• Published 2nd Mar 2012
  • 27,372 Views, 4,215 Comments

A Dream - totallynotabrony

A not so standard human-in-Equestria story including but not limited to: democracy, tequila, and robots.

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Author's Note:

Every ponyfiction writer needs to do a self-insert at some point. It's my turn. Depending on the reactions, I may continue to write a chapter for every episode in the TV series. To make things interesting, the character is not aware of MLP:FIM.

Every ponyfiction writer needs to do a self-insert at some point. It's my turn. Depending on the reactions, I may continue to write a chapter for every episode in the TV series. To make things interesting, the character is not aware of MLP:FIM.

The sunlight is trying to get through my eyelids. Wait, what? I thought the blinds in my bedroom were closed. Still not a bad way to wake up.

Actually, now that I open my eyes and sit up, I can see that I’m not home. Trees? An orchard? Jesus Christ, I must have really tied one on last night.

Now that I think about it, I must still be dreaming. The distinct lack of a hangover is a clue. Also, there’s...what the...hooves? Fur? Yep, definitely still asleep.

Well, if I’m going to dream I might as well make the most of it. Let’s take a look at what else the ol’ mind has cooked up.

I’m quadrupedal and covered in coat of bright orange. A tail? Oh boy. It’s black and somewhat rumpled from sleeping on the ground. I reach my arm – front leg – up to scratch my ear. It’s not in the same place it used to be. The hair on top my head is longer. I brush some down so I can see it. It’s black, too.

I catch a glimpse of something. What’s that on my ass? It looks like a hood ornament. Oh great, it’s going to be one of “those” dreams. I can’t seem to brush the mark off.

It’s really quite a vivid experience. I actually hope I remember it when I wake up. Better start thinking in past tense so I can tell the story later.

I got up and tried out four legs. It seemed natural, why shouldn’t it? Off in the distance I heard a faint thwack. Having no other direction to go, I headed for the noise.

There seemed to be quite a few apple trees around. Not a small orchard. Up ahead, I caught sight of something. It looked like a horse. No, maybe not, wrong proportions. A pony? Sounds right. I guess that made me a pony, too.

As I drew closer, the facial features and general manner gave me the impression that it was a female. The other pony was orange, although not quite the same shade as me. She also appeared to be wearing a cowboy hat. It made me wish for a hat, too. It’s my dream, maybe I can get one later.

As I watched, she kicked a tree with her back legs. A shower of apples rained down into conveniently placed baskets.

“Hi there,” I said as I walked up.

“Well howdy,” she said, grabbing my hoof and shaking. “You’re the second visitor ah’ve had today.” She had an accent. Good thing I speak fluent redneck. I knew having Southern relatives would pay off eventually.

“Busy, huh?”

“That’s right. There’s a lot to do to get ready for the Summer Sun Celebration.”

“What’s that?”

She gave me an odd look. “Aren’t you from around here?”


“The Summer Sun Celebration is, well, exactly what it sounds like.”

“Makes sense. I guess I'll be going, then. Have a nice day, uh…”

“Applejack. What can ah call you?”

Think of something cool, think of something cool…

“Valiant. Plymouth Valiant.” Eh, could have been worse.

“Well you have a good day too, mister.”

I followed a path that lead away from the orchard. In not very long, I came to a small town. A sign said “Ponyville.” Sure enough, there were ponies everywhere. I noticed that some were unicorns and some were pegasuses. Pegasi? Whatever.

I passed close by a pink pony with a curly, tangled mane. She gasped.

“Two new faces in one day? This is almost too good to be true!” She dashed away before I could say anything. Applejack had also mentioned a second visitor. Interesting.

Overhead, a rainbow-colored blur was smashing clouds. When it briefly slowed down, I saw that it was a pegasus pony. I hadn’t thought I took LSD before going to bed, but I sure was seeing some wild things.

I was watching the aerial show and not paying attention to where I was walking. I thumped into someone.

“Sorry!” I said automatically. I had knocked over a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. “Here, let me help you up.”

She wimpered quietly and seemed to curl into a fetal postion. “Are you hurt?” I asked. No reply.

“What’s wrong?” Other than slowly edging away from me, she didn’t respond.

“Um, sorry again,” I said awkwardly. I had never felt so bad for anything I had done in a dream before. The pony just seemed to inspire that. I decided to put it behind me and walked away.

I found myself in the town square. A pavilion was set up, and everything looked like it had been decorated. A white unicorn with a purple mane was hanging ribbons when I walked by. She glanced at me, and then her eyes widened in horror. I glanced around, trying to see what she was looking at.

“Oh my! You look like you’ve been sleeping on the ground, you poor dear.” She began brushing leaves and dirt out of my mane. “I simply must help you get cleaned up.”

“Whoa,” I said, stopping her with a raised hoof. “This is the first dream I’ve ever had where I didn’t feel embarrassed to be naked in public. If I’m dirty, so what?”

I left her standing there, apparently flabbergasted by my words. I smiled a little as I walked. The dream was going pretty well. The conversations seemed so real, and the visuals were stunning. TV looked dull compared to this. When I woke up, I’d have to call my cable company and ask them to upgrade me to HD.

I spotted a purple and green dragon riding on a purple unicorn. The timid pony from earlier was talking to the dragon. I fell in step beside her, intending to apologize again, but she didn’t seem to notice.

We approached a large tree that appeared to have been converted into a building. The unicorn seemed to brush the other pony off and quickly entered with the dragon. There came a chorus of “Surprise!” from inside.

The door slammed open. It was the pink pony from earlier. “Why weren’t you at the surprise party?!” she shouted at me.

I shrugged. “I didn’t know I was invited. I am surprised, though.”

She instantly smiled. “Come have some cake!”

“All right!”

“By the way, I’m Pinkie Pie. You’re new here, aren’t you?"

"Just got in from dreamland. Call me Valiant."

"Dreamland! Of course you are! That’s why I’ve never seen you before.”

“Stop. Less talk, more cake.” I walked past her through the door.

Inside the tree, there were dozens of ponies. I hadn’t been introduced to most of them, but didn't care. I was dreaming about delicious cake and punch, and it wasn’t costing me a single real calorie.

A couple of the ponies I’d seen earlier came in while I was on my third slice of cake. I said hello to Applejack.

“How long is this party supposed to last?” I asked.

“All night! We stay up and watch the sun rise for the Summer Sun Celebration.”

“Sounds good to me. Of course, I’ll eventually wake up and realize I’m not actually at a party with talking ponies, but until then, I’m having a ball.”

She cocked her head at me. “Are you feelin’ all right, sugarcube? Didja just say you’re going to wake up from this?”

“Sure. I’m dreaming right now, and none of you are real.”

“Pfft,” said the rainbow pegasus from earlier. “I know I’m real. I wouldn’t be the coolest pony in Equestria if I wasn’t.”

“What now? Equestria?”

The pony gave me a confused look. “Uh, yeah. You know, this country? Ruled by Princess Celestia?”

I shrugged. “Politics don’t belong in my dreams, thank you very much.”

The two ponies looked at each other. “Rainbow, maybe we should go find him some help,” suggested Applejack.

“I don’t need help. I’m having the time of my life right now.”

I headed for the refreshments table again. Through an open door, I heard “All the ponies in this town are crazy!” I poked my head in. The dragon was wearing a lampshade on his head and trying to convince the purple unicorn to get out of bed and come to the party.

“Hey man, if she doesn’t dance, she doesn’t dance,” I suggested.

“You really should lighten up, Twilight,” said the dragon, leaving.

“Thanks,” said the pony to me. "It's just been a little intense since I got here."

“I completely understand,” I said. “If I were awake, in the real world, I would be sitting in the corner not enjoying myself either.”

All I got for a reply was a stare. Clearly, she now grouped me with the aforementioned crazy ponies.

I closed the door and went to play pin the tail on the pony. I learned that the dragon's name was Spike. He offered to let me wear the lampshade.

The party kept going until the early hours of the morning.

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