Read It and Weep
I heard about Rainbow’s accident secondhand. Post Haste stopped by to deliver a package and told me that he’d seen her over at the hospital while making the rounds delivering mail.
I examined the box and asked if he knew what it was.
“No idea,” said Post. “No return address, either.”
“Hmm. Well, thanks.” I went inside the library to open it, but was interrupted by a knock on the door.
Two unicorns in sunglasses and dark clothes were waiting for me.
“Mr. Valiant, we need you to come with us.”
“Who are you?”
“We’re the Mares in Black.”
I looked them up and down. “So you are. Why do you need me?”
“We can’t discus that here,” said one.
“You have to give me some reason to go.”
“Have you ever heard of the Magic Migraine?” asked the one on the left.
“No.”
“It’s where two unicorns fry your brains with magic if you don’t cooperate,” said the other one.
“I see. Would you give me a minute before we go?”
They wouldn’t.
“When I hear ‘MIB’ I think comedy-action. Couldn’t you at least crack a joke or something to lighten the mood a little?”
They couldn’t.
Sulking, I followed them away from the library. “Will Smith would not be jiggy with this.”
They took me to an isolated spot outside Ponyville. One of them opened a rip in the air with a burst of magic. It looked like a freaking dimensional gate or something.
“Go through,” one of them told me.
“Ha ha…no.”
I was told that I had two options. I could either go through the portal or I could be subjected to another method of fast-travel that involved bondage and rectal insertion.
A quick portal trip later, I found myself in a government building in Canterlot. I was told to sit and wait for the boss.
The lobby was bare. Zero decoration of any kind. Some sort of secretary sat near the door, probably to keep me from walking out.
I tried to walk out. Yep, that’s exactly what she was there for.
Several minutes later, Princess Luna came in. It seemed that she was the boss I had been waiting for.
“I like you Luna,” I said, “but if you don’t start explaining what’s going on right now, things are going to get ugly. Even uglier than what happened the last time I was kidnapped.”
“Are you saying that you were brought here against your will?”
“Abso-freaking-lutely. Anyone who threatens to probe me is considered hostile until proven otherwise.”
Luna smiled. “I think you’ll change your mind when I tell you why you’re here.”
“Okay…”
“The Mares in Black are a secret research and development group in Equestira. I act as the head of the organization and coordinate them with the rest of the government and military.”
“It’s all very interesting,” I said, “but I’m still waiting to find out what I want to know.”
Luna nodded. “We recently came into some information that predicted a rather unsavory event in the future. Celestia authorized me to do whatever I deemed necessary. I’d like you to build us robots.”
I dropped to my knees, front legs raised in a manly victory pose. “Yes! Oh my God, I can’t believe it! My first government defense contract!”
“Contract?” said Luna. “Oh no, we’re still in the prototyping phase. If we decide that your designs are worthy of acceptance, then we’ll throw some bits your way.”
“Wha…but…how am I going to finagle money out of the government? It’s supposed to slip by unnoticed in the bureaucracy.”
“One advantage of Royal rule,” said Luna. She winked. “Small government.”
Well, I certainly wasn’t going to vote Libertarian now. Screw you, Ron Paul.
I turned to leave. “Oh,” said Luna. “You mentioned ‘the last time you were kidnapped.’ What happened?”
“I had to make out with Pinkie Pie.” I grimaced, thinking about my escape from the Buffalo.
“She tastes like stale chocolate,” said Luna, shuddering.
I was escorted back to Ponyville rather more cordially than I had been brought. I gave the two ponies a friendly wave as they departed. They hadn’t even erased my memory. Or would I have remembered that?
Anyway, I went back to the library. The whole gang was there. Of course I meant that figuratively. Twilight would make a terrible gang leader.
“Howdy Valiant,” said Applejack. “You’re just in time. We all got these strange boxes in the mail.”
“That’s weird.” All the deliveries had been mailed to each of us, Rainbow’s finding her in the hospital.
“I don’t know what it could be,” said the pegasus, shaking her box a little. Something inside thumped around. With her wings bound, she had problems keeping her balance on two legs, nearly dropping the parcel. I noticed that a lot of the feathers on one side of her back were still wrapped in bandages, so the doctors must have released her on a “take it easy” basis.
“Why don’t we open them together?” suggested Twilight. They gathered in a circle.
I grabbed my box and joined them. For some reason, mine was the biggest.
“I’ve got the largest package,” I said.
“…ladies,” said totallynotabrony.
All of them began opening their boxes. One by one, they let out startled little shrieks.
Rainbow and Fluttershy had each been mailed a severed pegasus wing, rolled up neatly and stuffed inside the box. The rest had each received a hoof, which judging by the coloring came from the same victim.
I got the head. “Is somebody trying to make us an offer we can’t refuse?” I asked, trying for casual.
Fluttershy fainted and the rest looked horrified. Blood began to seep from the boxes to the floor.
I noticed Rarity paying quite a bit of attention to the puddle. “Hey,” I said to her. “Go get something to clean this up.” Her attention diverted, she nodded and ran off to get her OCD sterilization kit.
I turned to Rainbow. “Do you know who this pegasus is? Er, was?”
She glanced at the face and then quickly away. “I think it’s Merry May. Remember Twilight? She was part of that moving crew that dropped the stuff on you.”
“Well gang,” I said, “it looks like we’ve got a mystery to solve. Pardon me just a moment.” I went out behind the library and was violently ill.
The next morning, Rainbow came by to borrow a book. I hadn’t figured her for a reader, but gave her what she wanted. We had to work our way around the police investigators who were battering Twilight with questions, most of which had nothing to do with the mysterious packages. I suppose I couldn’t blame them for being terrible at their job. Ponyville PD didn’t get many murder/dismemberment cases.
Boy, I sure had a lot of things on my mind lately. The murder, obviously, was in the forefront, but a lot of other stuff was jockeying for position.
Twilight had basically accepted my humanity, although our conversation after that had stalled. Maybe with these new robots I could get that dialogue reopened.
I went to work on the design, glancing at the letter of requested specifications that Luna had sent. It took my mind off my other thoughts.
Where had the ugly rock come from? Who was screwing with me? Why? For what purpose? How come? To what end?
What was the deal with the murder? Had Merry May done something wrong, or merely been at the wrong place at the wrong time? What message was someone trying to send the seven of us?
What was the unpleasant future event that the Princesses were preparing for? How could it be bad enough that they’d ask me of all ponies to whip up some experimental technology for them? Also, when had Luna made out with Pinkie?
I kept working and kept thinking. I was honestly a little freaked out, and getting slightly paranoid. More motivation to build a new robot. Until it was complete, I had no idea how I would cope or who I could trust.
One thing was for sure, though. I was going to change my mailing address.
Author note:
Please feel free to speculate wildly about any of the questions in Valiant's head. While I do have answers for all of them and a plan for how I'm going to end this season, maybe you'll come up with something I hadn't thought of.
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fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/320/d/9/shit_just_got_real_by_dbzsgtjustin-d4ge0j2.jpg
"An offer we can't refuse"...
...Meh, I prefer Scarface's "Say hello to my little friend!" More versatile than Godfather...
I have no idea where you're taking this fic, but it's still awesome. Keep it up!
...Also: FIRST, BITCHES!!!
Don't fux wit Ron Paul...
But funny as always
“…ladies,” said totallynotabrony.
Best 4th wall break I've seen.
Well done sir.
*takes off sunglasses*
MOTHER OF GOD
Screw you Ron Paul!
new update
wtf dead pony 
reading
reading
umm not sure if gusta?
409550
Erm, well, I promise to make it funny somehow. Maybe.
I know it makes sense in my head in the long run, and I'm really trying to tell a story here, not just create laughs. Truthfully, I probably could have handled that better, though.
Me confusta.
409657
understood it just got a little real there ima still keep my eye on this.
:-/ the fourth wall break was unfunny, painful, and broke the flow of the story right as it got dark, so the severed body parts just seemed like the buildup to a joke that never came. Please don't do that, I like your writing, so I hate to hate a whole chapter.
411166 But getting severed body-parts in the mail is funny.
411166>>411605
What I've learned is that I can't please everyone. While I agree that I really should put more thought into these things before I post them, sometimes off-moments are a given no matter how hard I revise. I apologize.
411623 I rather enjoyed this chapter actually! I can't see anything wrong with it at all!
Alright, caught up. Pretty awesome story so far.
Hmmm, I'm intrigued. Possibly a 'war of the Worlds' need for giant robots? Someone else sending body parts to warn them away from the DOD contract? Possibly Air-Pirates from the Griffon nation invading Equestria? Alternate Dimension hopping Nazis? Who knows!
All I know, is I will stay tuned until the next hilarious installment!
409087
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3377-pinkie.jpg
-The Doctor
409453
3.bp.blogspot.com/-xiG9b5-cgRY/TbXlhSJWUpI/AAAAAAAACEE/DBbqXNKISmg/s1600/mother-of-god-super-troopers.jpg
The horrific event is probably the new villian coming in season 3. This could possibly tie in with the other worlds concept seeing how events in one world seem to effect another. What could possibly be bad enough to cause a disruption across the entire multiverse? I'd like to see a massive pony collaberation of the mane six and Valient in a A-Team fashion.
Or maybe this is just going nowhere. That is a very real possibility... jk lol.
Sorry Valiant, you need a permit for mystery solving and crime busting. You need at least 4 friends to apply with you, you must have a talking pet with you at all times, and you have to paint flowers on the Monstrosity.
500963
Ruh-roh!
I sense a paradox or a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not sure which one. Involving Valiant being the primary robot-builder being contracted to build robots because robots appear in the future.
..... wait
7 ponies. 7 packages. 2 were wings. you said the rest were hooves..... Did Merry May just keep a spare in the garage?
641392
#7 was her head
I can't believe nopony else has asked this yet, but...
You said you have an answer to all of the questions. Do you have an answer for when (and why) Luna made out with Pinkie?
More importantly, will you write it into a fic?
1594758 I wasn't, but you certainly can. Read more here.
I notice that at this point you aren't even trying anymore. I mean the noncannon plot isn't what I mean but I remember back in the first episode there seemed to be a method to his madness. however now he's just madness...actually no not even. YOu're just bullshiting his character along with most other things in the chapters. I mean you've begun adding yourself as the author rather than keeping the self insert thing...SINGLE ENTITIED?!?! I just don't know anymore...
1595838 Over the time that I've been writing this, the character really has grown seperately. Valiant isn't me - not anymore. I should probably modify the story description.
1595876
I for one find it quite entertaining, and I think it's gotten better with time. To be blunt, if I didn't know about your more recent stories I probably would have stopped reading this after the first couple chapters, but fortunately I expected (correctly) that the quality would increase. Early chapters were kind of bland and were just the episode with a couple random lines thrown in. But now it's gained a sort of life of its own, so it follows the episode topic while not just being a plain old self-insert.
TL;DR: Keep doing... this.
I LOL'd. Hard. You just out-4th-walled Pinkie Pie.
No! That's my job! NOPONY out-4th-wallseses the Pinkie!
What the... get out of my comment!
Not until you Pinkie Promise that...
Pinkie.
...you'll never make fun of my 4th-wall...
PINKIE.
What?
Can we continue this conversation elsewhere?
...
Okie-Dokie-Loki...
409009 eeyup
I'm just thinking of this movie -
wallpapers-diq.org/wallpapers/36/Se7en%2C_1995%2C_Brad_Pitt%2C_Morgan_Freeman%2C_Gwyneth_Paltrow.jpg
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxp3ngDC2T1r9di8co1_500.png
HOLY CRAP! ARE THE CHINESE HACKING EQUESTRIA?! (You should get the reference)
Close to the plot line eh?
yeaaaa NOPE!
1595876 So you're saying the AI we know as Valiant has grown a personality separate from his creator? Get to the Chopa!
I wonder if Valiant's big package will be in the plot.
Oh no, it's lik the head box in hatoful boyfriend. (That ending with the mystery and the box made me sick)
Cupcakes Reference?
Will he get assimilated by changelings?
I have a question about the series.. will there be much Dakka in the comming chapters? Because I like Dakka
8372604
Yes dakka
8372725
moar Dakka!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!