Best Night Ever
They said that the opening ceremony of the Grand Galloping Gala was pretty sweet. I wouldn’t know. I spent most of it locked in the dungeon beneath Canterlot Castle.
Security was tight. The Royal Guard ponies had confiscated my hydra-tooth necklace, my flint knife, and my pack of gum, for some reason. I bitterly regretted my decision to talk about overthrowing Celestia while I waited in line.
Once they got rid of the weapons and the gum, the guards had evidentially decided that I had nothing else of interest on me. I was marched downstairs and thrown into a cell.
They had missed a small piece of metal hidden in my mane, though. I had planned to use it to create sparks by striking the flint on it. I hoped I could burn stuff with it. Now, I used it to force the lock on the door.
Equestria’s technology level was very inconsistent and it sometimes drove me nuts. They had complicated brain scanners, but skeleton key padlocks. Even with hooves, it didn’t take me more than a few minutes to get free.
I slipped my sunglasses on. Just as I suspected, combined with the tuxedo I was wearing, they made me look amazing. Also, they gave me the added bonus of anonymity. The guards would never pick up on it.
Heading upstairs, I made my way to the Gala. I had missed the beginning of the party. It looked like everything was going full-swing now.
The six ponies and Spike had agreed to ride with me to Canterlot. I had made sure everything aboard was clean and sanitary so they wouldn’t complain. Dirty Hooker Took My Money was a respectable airship, after all. We couldn’t have the guests mistreated.
While we flew, all of them spoke excitedly about the things they would do at the Gala. Fluttershy wanted to see the animals in the Royal Gardens. Applejack wanted to sell junk food. Rarity wanted to pick up a stallion. Rainbow wanted to hang out with The Wonderbolts. Twilight wanted to have a nice intellectual conversation with the Princess. Pinky just wanted to party.
Spike wanted to visit his favorite donut shop, and while that sounded like a great idea to me, I had some things I wanted to get done first. Namely, anarchy. It was disappointing to have my plans fail so quickly thanks to the guards.
I slipped back into the ballroom. With my sunglasses on, nobody noticed. I saw Twilight standing with Celestia while the Princess greeted a long line of visitors. She didn’t look happy to be so close yet so far from her mentor.
Pinkie was dancing, but all the fancy ponies were giving her disapproving looks. Rainbow appeared to be trying to insert herself unsuccessfully into The Wonderbolts’ conversation. Applejack looked glum while sitting at her booth, a mound of unsold food piled up. Rarity seemed to be having problems getting one particular stallion to treat her like she wanted to be treated. From outside, I heard a scream of anger that sounded like Fluttershy.
Oh boy. It looked like my work was cut out for me. I didn’t have to give any of them help, but I’d rather see my associates happy than see Celestia’s party go smoothly.
I trotted over to the dance floor. Sideling up to a fashionable-looking stallion, I said, “Simply amazing, isn’t it?”
“I’m not sure amazing is the right word,” he said, glaring at Pinkie’s antics.
“You’re right. This new dance is simply the talk of Manehattan. So much energy! You can’t help but feel good. It’s also so simple to learn. You just put your right hoof in, your right hoof out…well, I’m sure a trendy pony like you knows all the steps.”
“Uh, yes indeed. Of course I do. Come on, my dear.” He led his wife out onto the floor. Soon, more and more of them were joining Pinkie.
I ambled over to where Rainbow was having problems. Soarin’, The Wonderbolts team leader, was distracted by the strange dancing going on, and I was able to slip up behind and collar him. He was a pretty big pony, but I had a leverage advantage and was able to put a little pain into the gesture while still making it look like a hug between friends.
“Hey buddy, Rainbow saved your ungrateful life. The least you could do is fall to your knees and worship her like she deserves.” It hurt me to say nice things about a bitch like Rainbow, but I figured I could stand it.
“Who are you?” he groaned.
“I’m the guy who’s going to kill you all if you don’t do exactly what I say.”
Soarin’s eyes widened. I ruffled his mane a little and let him go. I also snatched his wallet.
Over at Applejack’s stand, I bought everything.
“Wow,” she said happily. “What do you need all this for?”
“I’ve got a plan.” I wheeled the cart outside, snacking on an apple fritter. Fluttershy appeared to be having problems with the garden animals.
“They don’t like me,” she said. “I think I might be trying too hard.”
I shrugged. “Well, my original plan of eating all these snacks myself was kind of stupid. Maybe you can use them to lure the animals in.”
“Oh, that would be lovely!”
I left the cart with her. On my way back inside I encountered Rarity.
“Prince Blueblood is simply horrid!” I thought that he was probably the pony I had seen her with earlier.
“He looked like the stallion of my dreams, but he’s so snooty,” she said. “He refuses to eat commoner food or cross puddles of water without assistance.”
“Wait a moment,” I said. “His name is Blueblood, he’s really good-looking, doesn’t eat, can’t cross water, and acts all better than you? Uh, Rarity, I think I know why you don’t get along with him.”
“Why’s that?”
“He’s a vampire.”
“Good heavens! What should we do?”
“We have to stake him. Unfortunately, I don’t have a stake available. However…” I looked at her horn.
“What? You can’t be serious!”
“It has to be done. I would help you, but I’d probably only get in the way. You know how clumsy I am. Besides, isn’t it beauty that overcomes the beast?”
“Yes, I suppose.” She drew herself up. “I shall do my best. For Equestria.”
“For Equestria,” I agreed. She walked away to find the Prince.
I burst out laughing. She actually believed me. Oh, and I was doing so well helping everybody, too. It’s okay, can’t win ‘em all.
Now, how to get Twilight and the Princess separated from the crowd. Ideally, I would be able to kill at least one of them.
I stepped up to the head of the line. “I'm from the security team. Everypony has to leave now. There’s a plot to overthrow Princesses Celestia and Luna.”
I turned. “Princess, Ms. Sparkle, please come with me.” I whisked them out the door into a bare hallway.
“What is the meaning of this?” asked the Princess.
“Who are you?” said Twilight.
I took off the sunglasses and menaced them with a sharp stick that I picked up out in the garden.
“Celestia, I’m holding you for crimes against freedom. Twilight, you’ve wronged me, so I guess that makes this a personal vendetta.”
Celestia began to laugh. “This is the most amusing thing that has ever happened at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Maybe you don’t understand. I’m threatening your life, here.”
“Oh, I understand. I also watched you cause all that trouble earlier. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the fops and dandies ever look so silly dancing, or The Wonderbolts begging for forgiveness, or all the garden animals on a sugar high. It’s all really quite entertaining, even if your purpose here is rather grim.”
I hadn’t expected her to react that way. Most leaders are reluctant to lose their power, but Celestia seemed content to watch things burn.
“Valiant, what are you doing? Stop this!” said Twilight.
“Quiet, my little pony,” said Celestia. “The grownups are talking.”
It hit me, then. “You troll! You’ve been doing all this for teh lulz!”
Celestia smiled. “While I’m not familiar with your words, I will admit that I enjoy a good laugh at another’s expense.”
“You’re…you’re my new best friend.”
“Come, let us join Spike at the donut shop and ditch this drag of a party.”
We all arrived back in Ponyville quite late that night, or perhaps it was early morning. I’d talked and laughed with Celestia while she told me about some of her greatest moments of trolling. Twilight was still on my shit list, but I could deal with her later.
All the ponies seemed to have had a good time at the Gala. Spike overdosed on donuts while waiting for us, and was still in the hospital in Canterlot. It looked like he would be okay, though.
I had noticed that Rarity was very quiet on the ride back. Her horn also displayed a suspicious lack of gore.
When I parked the airship, she was the last to leave. “Can I tell you a secret?” she asked.
“Prince Blueblood’s charm overcame your good sense and you slept with him, right?”
“No, Valiant. He’s a vampire.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I was just screwing with you.”
She hissed at me, showing off two very real fangs.
I fell over. “Jesus M. F. Christ! What the fracking hell?”
She broke down crying. “I’m so sorry. I tried my best to stake him, but he was just too strong. He...he bit me.”
So, vampires actually did exist in Equestria and I had fingered one completely by accident. Hoofed one. Whatever.
“I’ll do whatever I can to help,” I said. “I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
She smiled, keeping her mouth closed. “You’re a great friend, Valiant.”
I sat down in the cockpit of the airship as Rarity walked away. It was at that moment that I realized that I really did have friends here. Rarity had confirmed this, but even if she hadn’t, why would I have done what I did at the Gala to keep them happy?
The rest of the event hadn’t really been bad, either. I almost couldn’t blame Spike for the situation he had gotten into. The donuts afterwards were amazing.
Sure, there had been downs as well as ups, but I suppose it really was the best night ever. I didn’t believe that friendship was exactly magic, but it sure was awesome.
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...You know, when you lay it out like that... Blueblood might very well be a vampire. Pity Rarity failed to stake him and was turned, but at least she was a virgin(?), so she's not his ghoul... unless, of course, you're not working off of Hellsing or Rebirth rules. Either way... set up for more shenanigans, with Rarity as the thrall of Blueblood? Or are you just going to use Rarity for "sexy vampiress" jokes?
Also, Trollestia and Valient, BFF. That's just... I don't even... I mean... wha?!
Awesome fic. Can't wait to read what you have planned for Season 2.
This chapter made my 3AM. :)
Awsome chapter... Now, I'm going to go get my vampire hunting kit.
324672 When you say "Helsing", do you mean the 2004 movie (directed by Stephen Sommers, starring Hugh Jackman), Or are you refering to the Japanese Anime series? I asume that you are refering to the anime (It's much better than the film, in my opinion).
This was a funny, if fairly average story right up until the last few chapters. I think the thing is that you've gone completely off the rails with some of the characterisation. Pinkie as a lesbian prostitute-hirer (there's gotta be a better word for it, but I can't think of it), Blueblood and Rarity as vampires, BFF Trollestia.....this is great. You're writing crack dude. Embrace it.
326854
Helsing is the movie. Hellsing is the anime.
“You troll! You’ve been doing all this for teh lulz!”
Best. Line. Ever.
This is probably the best FIM Fic series I have ever read. EVER.
I'll never get why this isn't on top of the popular stories list every day. Have you sent this to EQD?
Goveruptcy - Valient Thorr
dang... was totally wrong with my assumption.
“You’re…you’re my new best friend.”
That moment just cracked me up for some reason. And although the thing with Rarity being turned was hilarious too, that moment of camaraderie between Valiant and Celestia as fellow trolling sociopaths just takes the cake.
Somehow I assumed that he'd end up turning the Gala into an even bigger disaster than it was in the show, yet somehow he managed to actually mitigate all the disasters, help out his "friends", make most of those attending look like fools, and befriend Celestia herself in the process, without completely destroying the Gala. Bravo!
"Twilight was still on my shit list, but I could deal with her later."
Best. Typo. Ever.
422202 Close, but no. Hellsing is indeed the manga, but the movies is Van Helsing... unless I'm just completely out of the loop and making myself look like an idiot...
Hmmm... If an Equestrian vampire is bitten by a Timberwolf, would that be more equivilent to a wooden stake or a werewolf bite?
712912 that's called a tree bite
325114
this chapter made my 5 AM
lol to vampire rarity
Vampire Rarity .. >_>;;; hmm...
Rarity a vampire??? hmm the implications....
One sec gotta write a new hit story.
So, it's Trollestia?
Not Celestia?
-.-
Yeah, you killed my high.
skythekidrs did it for the lulz too
Where is he getting all this money from?!
2135108
Well he did take Soarin's wallet
This story continues to be one of the funniest things I've read in a very very long time. Glad I started it. Seriously, it's hilarious
I can cure her if you get me a filled black soul gem.
so rarity's a vampire?
'Dis vwill be goood yes?
It has been a while since I have laughed that hard while reading
good job sir
Blueblood as a Vampire...
Hm...
Well, he was already enough of a bloodsucker in the show.
hayabusa.org/forum/attachments/random-thoughts/31413-why-god-made-menopause-bazing.jpg
778081 This chapter made my 12PM the next day.
2136201 and soarin is a celebrity, so there's gonna be quite a few bits in it
3450900 No can-do suh.
>>>“I’m the guy who’s going to kill you all if you don’t do exactly what I say.”>>>
This is now painful Gary Stu territory. It's not even done for the point of humor. It's simply sheer jackassery.
Even some of the agonizing vampony and Nightmare Moon wanker fics were better constructed.
I keep waiting for the point where the author has learned how to write an interesting character, and instead the story seems to be steadily degenerating.
So let me get this straight, Valient (however the fuck his name is spelled) befriends the Princess, Rarity becomes a vampire, Prince Blueblood is a vampire, and The locks are stupid?
...Ya know a Dark tag would not be out of place on this story...just saying.
7242387 Old comment is old. However, I vaguely recall making it and after rereading the chapter I can remember why I thought it appropriate.
img.pandawhale.com/post-27873-joey-from-friends-eyes-wide-op-gcTr.gif
Well. That took a turn.
she's a vampire!
Oh.. I like this version of Celestia! She can really take a joke
6157826
More like a Jesus Christ Who The Fuck Decided This Was A Good Idea To Write About On This Website tag.
actually, that's everything.
4294906
That's the gist of it I guess. He lost his tooth necklace though. His flint shiv can be replaced easily enough, but the tooth?!
"That came from the thing that ate me!!! Which I then killed!!! I earned that through battle, honor, and blood!!"
Jesus this part onward... no words to describe, lmao
i saw Val's reaction and i could think of was Monty Python
Hmmm leans into the absurdist humor a bit more than I thought it would. Not that it's not enjoyable, it is, but I feel like the tone shifted even further starting from "a dog and pony show" (quite an arbitrary line it's not exact). It's not drastic enough to be a detriment but enough that someone who preferred the first chapter might like it a tad less. Not sure where I stand atm. I might drop a comment for every season or two covered.
Yep. This is definitely a grade a crack fic.