Pinkie sure knew how to throw a party. I hated to admit it, but my time in Equestria had really helped me loosen up and become more social.
It was a birthday party for Gummy, Pinkie’s pet alligator. While I didn’t know him personally, we got along. He didn’t bite. Hard.
“I’ve been meaning to ask,” said Twilight. “How did meeting your father go?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
“What?” She knew about my secret-keeping business. “But why did he want it to be a secret?”
“He works in mysterious ways.”
“So you’ve accepted him as your real father?”
I smiled and said nothing.
Twilight smiled in return. “You look happy. I’m happy for you.” She moved away into the crowd of ponies on the dance floor.
As the party wound down, ponies began leaving. As I headed out the door, Twilight caught up with me. “We’re planning a party for Pinkie tomorrow. It’s her birthday.”
“A party for Pinkie? She might not be impressed. She’s the expert, after all.”
“It’s going to be a surprise party. Don’t tell her.”
“All right.”
“I think the rest of us have everything set up just right. We’ll meet at Applejack’s barn in the afternoon. Pinkie might get suspicious, so do anything you have to in order to keep the secret.”
“Anything?”
She frowned. “Coming from you, no, not anything. Just use your head.”
I supposed I could do that. I had something else to use it for at the moment, though. The airship was still in testing phase, but it had completed a few circuits of Ponyville successfully. I was still trying to think of something to christen it.
Pinkie showed up the next morning with invitations to a party that she was hosting that afternoon, the same time as the party that was being planned in her honor.
“Not going to work,” I said. “Sorry.”
She looked a little hurt, but said that she was sure the rest of her friends would come. I went back to distilling more fuel for the airship.
Later that day, I went over to Sugarcube Corner searching for something sweet. Mrs. Cake asked me if I would be a dear and check on Pinkie. She had apparently locked herself in the room upstairs since no pony had accepted her party invitation.
I knocked on the door. “Hey Pinkie?”
She answered. Her mane appeared to have gone limp. As I watched, one of her eyes twitched.
I was somewhat taken aback. “Um, are you all right?”
“I’m spending time with my real friends. Isn’t that right, Madame LeFlour?” She spoke to a bag of flour that was wearing a party hat. Also sitting around the table in the center of the room was a bucket of turnips, a pile of rocks, and a large piece of lint.
Ask any pony and they would tell you that Pinkie Pie was weird. Still, this was just a little out of the ordinary, even for her. Luckily, I knew what to do. When faced with a strange thing, cause some sting.
Her back was turned, so I grabbed a potted plant from the corner and broke it over her head. She fell limp on the floor.
“What was that, dearie?” asked Mrs. Cake as I came down the stairs with Pinkie lying on my back.
“I’m, ah, taking her to a cake convention,” I said. “She wanted to sleep on the way.”
Could nobody showing up at her party have caused her to snap? I had no idea what went on in Pinkie’s mind, but I concluded that it was possible. I had to remove her from the situation, while at the same time hiding from her the surprise party that had been planned.
So, I loaded up the airship and set sail for Trottingham.
“Woooo!” cried Pinkie. “Did you see that flank on her? Did you, Valiant?”
“Ugh,” I muttered. “I can’t believe I thought of this.” Pinkie had insisted that we sit right beside the stage. She tossed a hooffull of bits at the dancer.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” she said between acts. “How did meeting your daddy go?”
“Well…” I had a flashback.
“I want answers, old man.”
“Naturally.”
“Why don’t I know who you are?”
“You’ve got amnesia.”
“How come you know so much about me?”
“Well, I am your father.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe it. I literally can’t.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. It will take time. Come on, let me get you some candy and we’ll talk.”
“I like candy,” I admitted. We went into a café and he ordered for me a chocolately treat called a Turtle. I munched on it quietly as he told me about what he had been up to since he’d disappeared. It could have all been tall tales, as far as I knew. I didn’t remember him.
I began to notice that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t feeling quite right. I glanced at the half-eaten Turtle. Walnuts? Pecans?
“You tried to kill me!” I roared as loudly as I was able. Already, my voice was being cut off by my swelling throat. “Any father of mine would know that I’m allergic to nuts!”
“Good thing you’re straight,” remarked the waiter. I shot him a look that said you’re next.
The pony who claimed to be my father ran. I collapsed into a twitching heap on the floor. The wait staff worked around me for an hour or two until I had recovered. I begrudgingly paid the bill and left.
I caught up with the imposter on the other side of town. He didn’t see me coming, and I dragged him behind a building before he could fight back. I pinned him on his back.
“Please don’t hurt me!” he said.
“Muph wu.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
I spit out the flint knife I had been holding in my mouth. Stupid lack of fingers.
“You obviously went to a lot of trouble to learn about me. Why?”
“I can’t help it. Whenever I move to a new place, I have to impersonate someone. I thought that if I could be a father figure to a local nutcase, nopony would be the wiser.”
“What’s your real name?”
“Just Anne Actor.”
“That's quite a middle name for a stallion.”
“I actually don’t have a middle name. I was…just acting.”
“Why don’t you tell the truth once in a while?”
“I am! Valiant, I am your father!”
I stared at him.
“Okay, fine, I’m actually your son!”
I let him up. “Look, you clearly have even more issues than I do. I recommend that you seek professional help.”
“I’m sorry I lied to you. I was hoping I could finally find some place to belong. Some place where I could settle for a while.”
“You’ve got two options,” I said. “Get yourself to the local mental hospital, or get out of town. If I see you again, insane or not, things won’t end well.” I picked up the knife and put it in its sheath as I turned to walk away.
“Who gave you the right to decide that? Aren’t you just as crazy as I?”
I stopped. He had a point. Why wasn’t I locked up? I had clearly been doing things to deserve it.
Without turning around, I said, “The difference between you and me is that I can tell right from wrong. I don’t always follow that, but at least I know where the line is.”
“But…but…I’m your father!”
I started walking.
"Please," it sounded like he was crying. "You can't tell anyone this secret."
From one lunatic to another, I supposed I owed him that.
“Wow, are you all right?” said Pinkie. We were walking back to where I had parked the airship. It would be time for the surprise party soon.
"Wha...how did we get here?"
"You spaced out there for a second. It's like you were reliving something that happened to you."
"As it happens, that guess was right on the money."
"I like money! So what was it about?"
"I can't tell you. I did some stuff, but I don’t know if I made the right decision,” I said.
“Do you feel bad about it?”
“Yes.”
“Would you do something different if given a do-over?”
“No.”
“You made the right choice! Congratulations!” she said, throwing a handful of confetti into the air. I had no idea where she’d gotten it.
“Thanks.”
“Glad to help. I guess we really should be getting back to Ponyville now. I’m so excited to ride on your airship!”
“You rode on it coming here.”
“Yeah, but that was back when I was unconscious. How did I get that way, anyhow?”
“Uh, blood sugar swings caused by diabetic reaction to all the sugar you eat.”
“Oooh, sounds serious. I hope it doesn’t happen again and I miss the ride back! It’s a really cool looking airship.”
“Thanks. I'm still trying to think of a name for it.” We strode onboard and I began getting the engine fired up.
“I’m sure you’ll come up with one.” Pinkie suddenly checked herself. “That dirty hooker took my money!”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” I said.
I spent about 5 minutes staring at the last paragraph.
Then I spent about 5 minutes laughing myself silly.
And here I am now
i love this fic.
ALL ABOARD THAT DIRTY HOOKER TOOK MY MONEY
ALL ABOARD
That's the best name for an airship I've ever heard! I'll have to use that sometime.
Aaaaaaaaawwwwww i thought for sure he had killed his so called "father."
Omg, I've got to say this is one of my favorite HiE comedies ever. It's not serious but it's still realistic, I love it.
Pinkie supports prostitution...and hookers....mare after my own heart.
Oh my God, that last paragraph's awesome.
595041
You just made my day.
Luke, I am your father!
Fuck you, Vader.
That's not supposed to be until S2! Stop messing with the timeline, Valiant!
Anne Actor.
img.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/174374/I%20see%20what%20you%20did%20there-700x560.jpg
I- I just- are- are you the god of jokes or something? Are you the reincarnation of George Carlin? WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
I don't know why but I laughed more this time then when Spike did it.
321970
How do you feel?
YOU'RE NEXT
>>>Without turning around, I said, “The difference between you and me is that I can tell right from wrong. >>>
Says the guy plotting to murder Celestia... who still thinks everything is a dream...
I don't honestly know how much more of this I can read. I thought the claim was that this thing got BETTER as it went on, not progressively worse and more ridiculous.
4284918 Well, apparently, despite that, we're both still reading it.
Not sure what that says about the story or us.
Personally, I think it's a little funny. Kinda wierd, more than a bit dark, not very well written, but still kinda funny. I needed to read something interesting and weird. (In case you were wondering, last time I just read "FImfiction Writes Ponies")
4284918 Technically, he is planning to overthrow her, not kill her. Admittedly he likely has a contingency of her death, but killing her is not his explicit goal. also about his skill with machines, that could very well be his special talent, so he is getting a boost there, since I noticed you seemed to have a problem with that story aspect.
He killed him, didn't he?
Twilight and her friends destroyed Ponyville with Parasprites, so...why aren't they locked up?
Also kind of a pity that the father was only a nutcase. I had hoped for some spy action!
WHY THE HELL DO PONIES HAVE STRIP CLUBS
GIVE ME ANSWERS
I WANT THEM NOW
Okay, not a fever dream.
I've just got to remember the motto of this story.
"How far can we take it."
This is getting so out of hand, I think it would be best if I treat it like SAO the second time I watched it through after learning how bad it was.
Don't take it seriously and have fun on the ride.
This is great so far, lets see where we end up.
9417748
Thank you for believing in the story. It even took me a while to realize that this wasn't going anywhere sane.
9417748
Yep
I personally hope for freedom lasers