Pinkie Apple Pie
I sat in Luna’s office on the receiving end of the most scathing diatribe she had ever delivered. Her amplified voice echoed off the stone walls and the windows rattled. I yawned and rolled my eyes. It had been several minutes of continuous yelling and I was getting bored of waiting to get a word in edgewise.
“I specifically told you not to invade Manehattan with ancient races,” she roared.
“Have you stopped to consider that maybe I didn’t?” I finally managed to interrupt.
Luna gave me a glare. “It was plain as daylight. Seaponies invaded Manehattan.”
“Yes, but they didn’t get very far,” I reminded her.
“If you somehow knew of the attack beforehand, why did you still let it happen at all!?” she demanded.
“One, you have to admit that it was one hell of a distraction,” I said. “Also, I did all I could to limit the damage. Who do you think advised them to only send a few dozen troops?”
Luna’s rage was now tempered by curiosity. “Again, I ask why you didn’t simply stop them.”
I shrugged. “You’re lucky that I conveniently forgot to tell the seaponies that they needed a reverse-scuba to be able to breathe on the land.”
“How did you communicate with them?” Luna asked.
“When I was in space, I invented a device that produces extremely low frequencies and is capable of traveling long distances and through water. It resonated with natural underwater crystals and had enough power to allow for two-way communication with just energy input from one side.”
Luna stared at me. “Are you serious?”
I grinned. “Remember what happened the last time you asked me that?”
She turned away, shaking her head. “Get out of my office.”
“One thing before I go. I need an audience with Discord.”
Luna looked at me sharply. “What for? The last time you interacted with him, nearly all of Ponyville was destroyed.”
I nodded. “This is more important than my personal grudge against him.”
“I have the safety of Equestria to think about,” she said. “I can’t allow it.”
“Believe it or not, I am thinking about Equestria,” I said. “Please, I need to talk to Discord.”
I think my use of the p-word rattled her a little, but still she shook her head. “I forbid you.”
I put on a smirk. “You forbid me? You aren’t my president. You aren’t my mother. Hell, you aren’t even my girlfriend.”
“I can take sanctions against you,” she said. “Your income, your possesions.”
“I only work for you because I like to. Most of my stuff is unused in storage right now, and I could just build more even if you did take it. And you forget, Luna, I just don’t give a shit. You and I both know that there’s literally nothing you can threaten me with. Now, get me Discord or I’ll do it myself.”
Luna held her poise for a moment longer before relaxing. “If I could. He comes and goes at his own whim.”
“Just let him know that we need to talk,” I said. I left the office.
While I was in the castle, I stopped by the medical wing to see Fluttershy. Pinkie was still with her. Fluttershy’s fur and feathers were slowly growing back but it would be a while before she was all better.
It was just lucky that we’d discovered the lingering vampire bat teeth before it could be a problem. Fluttershy might be a little crispy, but she was back to being 100% pony.
Pinkie was going on about something to do with genealogy and how she and Applejack were surprise cousins. I supposed it was better than with Fluttershy.
Applejack showed up just then, having gotten a letter from Pinkie. They both seemed to take to the cousin idea and I left before the sqeees got too intense.
I left the castle and headed down the street to the House of Enchanted Comics. It was closed. At least, that’s what the charred pile of wreckage indicated.
Just like I had promised, I had bought it out with my wallet, not with arson. It was only after the deed was in my hooves that I’d torched the place. It turns out that magic comic shops are insured for quite a bit of money.
The magic comics were among several reasons why I wanted to talk to Discord. A lot of weird shit – weird for Equestria standards – had been happening lately. I had a problem with that. This country, hell, this world, had never been very stable. Was it so wrong to want things to just get on with the status quo?
I was tempted to ask Twilight for a ride back to Ponyville, but I didn’t want to use her magic alicorn seatbelts. I’m not sure she would have let me anyway. I took the train.
Back in Ponyville, I left the station. Rarity’s shop was dark. She was still in Manehattan making costumes for shows.
I stopped at the The Half Pint. Guinness was serving drinks. I noticed that he was particularly focused on one couple who were sitting at the bar.
He came over. “What will it be?”
I noticed a little bit of false Irish lit in his tone but ignored it. “A beer.”
“You’re a little early for that,” he observed.
“You gave those two ponies some,” I said.
“That is different.” He grinned. “It’s love. I just say ‘Why don’t the two of you have a drink together?’ and half the time they end up dating. It’s practically a public service I’m running.”
I grunted noncommittally and took a swig of the beer. The bastard had served it warm. Authentic Irish, maybe, but kind of annoying. At least it was so dark I couldn’t see my tongue protesting.
There’s an old saying: ales come from the top of the tank, lagers come from the bottom, and stouts are scraped from the bottom.
I mentioned to Guinness about the fact that Pinkie and Applejack might be related. He nodded. “Yeah, Pinkie sent a letter. She knows about my dating service and wanted me to know so I didn’t try to hook up anypony from their families.”
I nodded. “Speaking of families, how’s your demon baby?”
Guinness winced. “Learning to walk, actually. I think she’s growing faster than a normal foal.”
“Sucks to be you.” I left him with that thought and went back to the library. Trixie and Daring were there, working on some project or the other.
“Hi dad,” Trixie called, hefting a load of books. “We’re doing some research about our next adventure.”
“‘Our?’” I asked.
“I like Trixie’s company,” Daring explained. “We’re about to head off on an adventure together.”
“I’m packing my bags,” Trixie agreed. “We’ll have a quick lunch at the pub and then depart.”
“I’ll go prep our order,” said Daring. She paused to nuzzle Trixie and then headed out the door.
“There’s something I want to ask you,” Trixie said to me. “I heard about Pinkie and Applejack being related. Guinness mentioned to me that he might have met my grandmother at one point. I guess I’m curious about where I came from.”
“Hmm.” I considered that. All adopted kids eventually wanted to know about real family, right? I wasn’t worried that Trixie would disown me – there’s no way her folks could be more awesome than me.
Trixie went on. “I’d just like to know about my biological family – well, with the mutations they probably aren’t even that anymore, but if there’s anything you could dig up I want to hear it.”
I nodded. “I’ll see what I can do while you’re gone. Have fun with Daring.”
Trixie gave me a hug and went out the door. I turned towards the rest of the library, thinking idly about what I was going to do with the rest of the day. In the back, I spotted the pegasus I had seen before who had Rainbow Dash’s same colors, if not the same pattern.
Aha, a good opportunity for answers. I went over to her and introduced myself.
“Why are you choking me?” she sputtered.
“Start talking,” I said.
“Um, I was just reading this good book. Isn’t the weather nice today? The local gossip is-”
“Start talking about something I care about,” I growled. “Who are you? What are you and your five friends doing here?”
“We’re fill-ins!” she wheezed.
Since we were finally getting somewhere, I let off the pressure so she could breathe. “Go on.”
“We’re similar to, but not the same as, the Elements of Harmony. When they get called away to do stuff, we fill in.”
“You're like some sort of B-team? Explain.”
“Okay, so Twilight Sparkle is doing her Princess thing in Canterlot. Her fill-in, Morning Matte, is busy making all the checklists and planning that Twilight Sparkle would have done if she was here in Ponyville.
“Shovelshy took over all the coal shoveling that Fluttershy would have done before she ended up in the hospital.
“When Rarity stayed in Manehattan to make dresses for the show, Celebrity took over all her drama and fancy behavior.
“After Fluttershy’s incident, Pinkie went to Canterlot to be with her. Bakey Pie took over all her pie-baking duties.
“Then, Applejack also went to Canterlot to see Pinkie. Her counterpart, Appletack, is busy seeing to all the building and mending projects Applejack would have done.
“And my name’s Reading Rainbow. If Rainbow Dash ever leaves Ponyville, I’ll take over all the novels she would have read.”
I stared at the mare for several seconds. “So you’re like some kind of backup Elements of Harmony?”
“Well, kind of. We each have the talents that are secondary to the Elements’ actual talents. Stuff they don’t have cutie marks for but are still really good at.”
Just then, Sunset appeared and saw me choking the mare.
“Hey,” I said. “Come over here and spot me.”
Sunset looked nervous but followed my command, taking over the choking of Reading Rainbow for me.
While Sunset choked her, I pondered. So…there was another Mane Six whose talents were similar to the secondary talents that the main Mane Six possessed. The new ones stepped in for when the old ones were gone, taking care of the little things that the old ones would have done.
Boy, that was convoluted. I turned back to Reading Rainbow. “Why are the secondary talents being filled in for rather than the primary ones?”
“Well, it’s better than nothing.”
“Why do all of this? Who put you up to it?”
“We just kind of decided that it would be nice. The Elements can’t be everywhere, you know.”
“It strikes me as being a little too arranged and perfect for being a spur-of-the moment thing,” I said. “Even your colors match.”
Reading Rainbow shrugged weakly.
“Let her go,” I said to Sunset.
After she was released, the colorful, literary pegasus dusted herself off and hurried out of the library.
“Something fishy is going on here,” I muttered. I turned to Sunset. “I bet you’re wondering why I didn’t kill her.”
“Um, actually that hadn’t crossed my mind,” she said. “But I'm glad you didn't.”
“It’s because that if I didn’t kill Rainbow all this time, it would be a little hypocritical to bump off her arguably less annoying replacement. Plus, if there’s a possibility I could somehow replace Rainbow with someone less annoying, I’d like to investigate it. On top of all that, if we let her go, she might lead us to who caused this new-six thing. It’s just one more cog in the machine of crazy that’s been happening around here lately.”
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “I hope I’m not the only one who can see that something’s wrong with Equestria. Because if I am, that means I’m the only one who can fix it. That would suck.” That was another reason I needed to talk to Discord.
“Well…maybe a little light reading would calm you down?” Sunset suggested.
“Yes, I like that idea. Bring me everything you have about…” I thought for a moment, “…sailing.”
I went to grab my bottle of tequila. Perhaps rum would have been more appropriate, but I wasn’t fancy.
I positioned myself on the couch. Sunset dropped off a pile of books on the coffee table that she had collected. “Are you sure this is light reading?”
“For me it sure is.” I opened the bottle and put my hooves up on the table. “Start reading to me.”
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3761397 that would take alot of time... Animating the whole series over again...
Why the same-day upload?
Yeah. This won't end well. I expect at least two more space time continuum paradoxes with a bit of reality breaking and maybe a mythological horror or 3.
Ya know. The usual.
...
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130420235018/dan-vs/images/1/14/Tumblr_md3aln4YVe1rjcnsro1_400.gif
I've just got this feeling that it's all gonna turn out to be Sunset's fault. Either she's still secretly evil and pretending to be a doormat. Or she just snapped because of all the crap Valiant's put her through since he got back.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
I like this Sunset, she is so helpful!
What's that old saying, a true, true friend is one who will help you hide a body? I'd like to think helping you choke a complete stranger ranks up there.
Is this a reference of some sort?
Hey guys! I just wanted to tell you all that TNaB is currently unable to access his computer, He has no idea when he will be back so just hold over until we hear word from him!
Why no chapters for Rainbow Falls or Three's A Crowd?
Sooooo.... is Valiant going to date Sunset Shimmer or not? Stop teasing me!
3877475 doubt it, if anything itd be one sided on shimmers side
3871643 I just got back. Those should be up in a few days.
i lost my shit
Okay, this chapter killed it.
I-in a funny way, not in a "killed-my-interest-in-the-story" way.
"We're laughin' all the way to the bank..."
Aaaaaaand this story makes sense to me again; it has since the first Season 4-related chapter. I'm about to read how Valiant interacts with The Wonderbolts, assuming he does.
Oh, you prick!
Oh, you jerk.
What a lazy prick.