Where the Apple Lies
Cordoba flew over the Everfree Forest. It would have been nice to have Merry May as backup, but she was being an emotional wreck since Sunset had brought Cherry Jubilee back to life.
Cordoba couldn’t blame Sunset for doing that, to get Braeburn out of the way, but Cordoba still resented that it made Merry unavailable. This, of course, was after he’d made Tin Mare unavailable.
None of this would have been a problem if someone had just kept their coding to themselves.
Said antivirus experts.
But it couldn’t be helped and Twi-minator still had to be hunted. Everyone else was caught up in their own stuff, which left Cordoba to do it herself.
She was pissed.
The forest spread out below her. The thick canopy of trees made it near-impossible to see below. Cordoba circled lower, processing what she was seeing. Unless she was attacked, it was unlikely she would spot any sign of Twi-minator from the air.
Frustrated, she turned back for Ponyville.
When she arrived back at the library, Cordoba got herself a cup of coffee. In the main room, the girls were having flashbacks.
“What kind of stupid caca is this?” said Cordoba.
“Well,” said Twilight, “it all started when-”
“No!” shouted Cordoba. “You’re not doing this to me!”
But it was too late.
Twilight sat in the library reading a book about eugenics, which was a very strange and worrying thing to find. My Fight was a doubly strange title for such a book.
Rarity came in, looking distraught about something.
“Is something wrong?” Twilight asked.
“I have a crisis of conscience,” said Rarity. “On the one hoof, I don’t believe Applejack is a racist, but I can’t help but think her calling me a hornswoggler has something to do with being a unicorn.”
“How did this happen?” Twilight asked.
Rarity said, “Well, it all started a few minutes ago…”
The little bell tinkled as Applejack walked into the Carousel Boutique. That was so out of the ordinary, Rarity commented. “Why Applejack, what brings you here?”
“Have you seen my sister?” Applejack asked. “Is she with Sweetie Belle?”
“I haven’t seen Apple Bloom,” said Rarity. “But since you’re here, I would just love if you tried out this cute hat I just made.”
“I don’t need a hornswoggler,” said Applejack. “But it’s important that I find Apple Bloom as soon as possible.”
“What’s so important?” Rarity huffed.
“Well, you see, it all started this morning…”
Pinkie slammed open Applejack’s bedroom door. “I need cider!”
Applejack was an early riser, but the sun wasn’t even up yet. She said, “Go away.”
“It’s super important,” said Pinkie.
This time, it was Big Macintosh’s voice coming through the wall. “Go away.”
“The fate of Equestria could hang in the balance!” said Pinkie.
Applejack waited a moment to see if Apple Bloom would also chime in with a “Go away,” but that didn’t happen. She sighed and sat up in bed. “So what’s going on?”
“Well,” said Pinkie, “just a little while ago, I was sexing Fluttershy…”
“I’m busy!” Fluttershy protested as Pinkie went down on her.
“It’s the middle of the night,” Pinkie pointed out, somehow speaking clearly even though her mouth was otherwise occupied.
“Well, um, you see, I’ve been working on this project…”
“I need help getting to the Wonderbolts headquarters!” said Rainbow. “We’re supposed to have a super secret meeting today, but I can’t fly there since the whole wings thing.”
“That was pointless and I still don’t understand,” Cordoba deadpanned.
“I ain’t racist,” said Applejack. “Isn’t a hornswoggler somepony who makes clothes?”
“It's actually a haberdasher,” said Rarity.
“I stand corrected. I’m still looking for Apple Bloom, though,” said Applejack.
“She’s with the Crusaders planning a second honeymoon for Braeburn and Cherry Jubilee,” said Cordoba. “So I can finally get Merry to focus on something else.”
“Oh dear,” said Rarity. She and Applejack hurried away.
“Meanwhile, I’m still trying to get to the Wonderbolts HQ,” said Rainbow.
Cordoba pointed at Twilight. “You’re basically Princess of Fixing Petty Bullshit. Figure it out.”
“Young lady, that’s not how it works. I’m your mentor,” Twilight protested.
“Yeah, but the quicker you can get Merry’s mind back on taking out Twi-minator, the better.”
“Other than attempting experimental surgery with Coloratura, she hasn’t threatened anything,” said Twilight. “Certainly not tried to take over Equestria. I would like to sit her down and give her a talking to, but do we really need to kill her? She’s a robot.”
“What, are you trying to have a twin or something?” said Cordoba. “Let’s just imagine for a moment that you’re the Lowlander and there cannot only be one of you. And then let’s just imagine for a moment that that’s idiotic and so are you.”
“Um,” said Pinkie. “Not to interrupt or anything, but I still need that cider.”
“I might have some in the kitchen,” said Twilight. “Why do you need it?”
“To go with the popcorn.”
Twilight stared at her for a moment and then shook her head. She found an unopened jug of cider and gave it to Pinkie.
“Thanks!” Pinkie zoomed away.
“I hope that wasn’t for Fluttershy,” said Twlight. “The relationship they have really is unhealthy.”
“You’re worried Pinkie will use the cider inside her?” said Cordoba.
Twilight winced. “Don’t say it that way.”
“I have to practice the language somehow, and puns work,” said Cordoba. “It also helps my enunciation to be your frustration.”
“So...none of this helps me,” said Rainbow, who had been standing there the whole time.
“Why don’t you ask the Wonderbolts to get you to their secret HQ?” said Cordoba.
“Because then they would know that I don’t have wings anymore and there wouldn’t be any reason to still have me in the Wonderbolts!”
“At the same time, if you did manage to get up to their HQ and they wanted to go flying, you’d fall off the edge and die,” Twilight pointed out.
“So give me back my wings!” Rainbow pleaded. “Look, I’m literally on my knees! Plus, you’ll appreciate this, Twilight, just reversing the spell so I can fly and take care of things myself is the most efficient solution so I don’t have to keep asking for help.”
“I think she learned her lesson,” said Cordoba. “And wow, she even learned critical thinking.”
“All right,” Twilight decided, and reversed the spell.
“Sweet!” Rainbow flew away.
“I hope I won’t regret that,” said Twilight. “Then again, now that she knows her actions have consequences, hopefully she’ll keep that in mind for the future.”
“It’s Rainbow. Learning more than one lesson per day might strain her,” said Cordoba. She took a sip of coffee.
“Speaking of, you need to learn some lessons yourself, young lady,” said Twilight. “With all this cavorting around, you’ve gotten behind on my friendship tutoring.”
Cordoba let out an extended groan. “If you really want me to stay here instead of fighting evil robots.”
“It isn’t like it's your job,” said Twilight.
“But someone has to,” Cordoba pointed out. “So why don’t you come with me? We can exterminate this evil robot. Together.”
Twilight almost said yes, but shook her head. “You’re getting better at reasonable persuasion, but it’s not going to work. We have things to do.”
“We do have things to do,” said Cordoba.
“And it’s not fighting robots,” Twilight interrupted.
Rainbow Dash suddenly burst back into the library. “The Wonderbolt HQ is under attack by an evil robot!”
Cordoba looked at Twilight. “I’m not going to rub it in your face if you agree to come with me.”
“Fine,” Twilight grumbled.
Rainbow went to get the girls. Cordoba went to get Merry.
She found her parked nearby, quiet and somehow brooding as much as a machine was able.
“We need to go kill Twi-minator,” said Cordoba.
“I need some time alone,” said Merry. “Braeburn’s gone. I thought I had new lease on life, but I forgot leases have to be paid for.”
“I don’t care,” said Cordoba. “We’re going to Wonderbolt HQ and need you to take us there.”
“Didn’t you hear me?” said Merry.
Cordoba nodded. “I acknowledge that you are sad because your boyfriend realized his wife was still alive and went to be with her...BUT I DON’T CARE! I’m impatient that you’re holding us up once again over your personal problems. Twi-minator could literally threaten all of Equestria, and you don’t want to help because you’re sad. What happened to getting your shit together? What happened to wanting to be a productive member of society?”
Merry flinched as well as a helicopter could. Her engines started to spin. The others arrived, with Sunset, Trixie, Columbia, Cracker, and the CMC tagging along. They all loaded up.
“We’re going to the Wonderbolts HQ,” said Rainbow. “You know, the place they used to do training before they ceased to exist and were replaced by the new team led by Wind Rider.”
“That weird mountain place with a runway?” said Cordoba.
“It’s actually a floating island in the sky,” said Rainbow. “Common misconception, even I didn’t know that until recently. Most ponies just think it’s a mountain because it’s always surrounded by clouds.”
Cordoba put a hoof to her chin. “If it floats...we can sink it.”
“I’m pretty sure the Wonderbolts don’t want us to do that,” said Rainbow.
Merry landed on the runway and the passengers disembarked. Wind Rider came over and confronted Rainbow. “Why did you bring Twilight Sparkle here? You know she’s with the government, right?”
“Uh, yeah?” said Rainbow. “Is that a big deal?”
It was, because the new Wonderbolts were another regime-change group like SOS who were trying to fill the power vacuum left by Valiant. However, since Rainbow was Rainbow, she hadn’t paid attention to that part when they’d recruited her.
Wind Rider wasn’t about to remind her of that while Twilight and the others were standing right there.
Columbia broke in. “Don't like the government? Why not get a new one?”
“I was thinking about it,” said Wind Rider. “But first, about this robot...”
“Where is it?” said Cordoba.
“We saw it earlier, but I think it’s gone down into the caves,” said Wind Rider.
Cordoba processed that and turned to the others. “Who’s up for CQC in a cave with a killbot?”
Sunset and Trixie raised their hooves. The responses from the others were muted, to say the least. In the end, Applejack volunteered some meat puppets. Rainbow, trying to get into the Wonderbolt’s better graces, also volunteered.
“Why does this place have caves?” said Twilight. “It doesn’t look big enough.”
Wind Rider shrugged. “Maybe being hollow helps it float.”
Cordoba led the group towards the entrance to the caves. As it turned out, they didn’t need to go much further. Twi-minator was waiting for them.
Cordoba walked up to her. “Stop it.”
She turned to Twilight. “See, nonviolence first?”
“Very good,” Twilight acknowledged.
Cordoba turned back, and was met with a metal hoof to the face that knocked her across the cave’s front chamber.
The assembled crowd gasped and Sunset started forward, murder in her eyes.
Twi-minator threw a switch, and a sudden forcefield of Tesla coils sprang up, sealing the cave entrance with a wall of crackling electricity.
“We have to get in there!” Twilight said.
“This is advanced technology, not magic,” said Trixie. “You’re useless here.”
Sunset paced outside the barrier, swearing under her breath.
“Wait, it’s just electricity?” said Rainbow. “I can handle lightning!”
She zoomed towards the forcefield. It shocked the shit out of her. It sounded like “Bleluzlzulzulzulzuzluzzluzlulzuluzuzsfleufzezuezluzluedze.” It looked even funnier than it sounded.
Rainbow fell back, dazed and smoking.
“Merry? Can you get in there?” asked Twilight.
Merry had parked behind the rest of them outside the cave. “No. I’m not grounded well enough to handle that kind of amperage.”
“You’re depressed and want to die,” said Sunset. “Why not try it anyway?”
“I-I…” Merry searched in vain for something to say. It was just then that Cordoba got up.
Inside the electric battle cage, Cordoba swayed a little and bled from the nose, but started forward towards her opponent. She growled, “Chupe mantequilla de mi culo, you sucker-punching metal asshole. You’re going down. Way down.”
“That isn’t very nice,” said Twi-minator.
“What I’m about to do to you isn’t very nice,” Cordoba shot back. “Hacking up Coloratura, helping Quibble Pants, sabotaging my derby car, getting your hooves on this Tesla technology which I’m sure you stole from my dad.”
“I have used it to much greater effect than he ever did,” said Twi-minator. “Now it’s time we faced each other one on one, so that I can demonstrate that I am better than anything he could do.”
“Screw you, Bitchcraft.” Cordoba drew her cutlass. “Let’s get it on.”
Half a dozen steel claws unfolded from Twi-minator’s hooves like switchblades. Cordoba didn’t wait, leading with her cutlass and kicking forward with her wings for extra power.
Twi-minator managed to get one armored foreleg up to deflect the blow, sparks showering across the cave floor. The ceiling was low enough that an aerial battle would not be possible, but both combatants used their wings for added maneuverability.
Cordoba changed direction, this time trying for Twi-minator’s optical sensors. The robot tossed her head at the last second, catching Cordoba’s cutlass across her metal horn. She tried to yank the sword away with magic, but Cordoba did a backflip and kicked her in the face, spoiling the spell.
Twi-minator shook her head and started forward again, slashing with her claws. Cordoba parried, but couldn’t keep backing up with the cave wall coming closer. She opted to jam her cutlass between the claws and twist Twi-minator’s foreleg out of the way.
It worked - too well. As Cordoba twirled free of the the clinch Twi-minator had been pushing her into against the wall, the metal mare stomped her hoof down, reversing the leverage of the sword. She spun her hoof, pressing Cordoba’s blade against the floor. The cutlass snapped.
Cordoba let go of the pommel, but was too slow in getting clear. Twi-minator drove forward with everything she had, stabbing through Cordoba's body with all six of her claws, the bloody tips bursting out her back.
“She’s fine,” said Merry.
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It's just a flesh wound!
yup
Ok Trixie, now would be a great time to empty all of your magazines into that thing and get Cordoba some medical attention.
such a bitch. really need the tin mare that hella cared more than this one.
merry also doesnt say hella enough.
So, when's the Deus Ex Machine Guns?
7634165 What are you going to do, bleed on me?
7634724
I'll bite your ankles off! Am-nom-nom!
You know... Merry has a conductive metal chassis, right? So, that means she could just carry anyone through the field, with her armor acting as a faraday cage.
7639206
Let's be honest. We all knew the old base will crash down in a rain of glory the moment it was mentioned to be a floating island.
7639912 Nah, need something worthy to crash down upon.
7640033 Will still crash though, I hope. Like, I don't know... on a certain alicorn.
This is known as "security through obscurity" and is a fallacy in the cybersecurity world. "Security experts have rejected this view as far back as 1851, and advise that obscurity should never be the only security mechanism. [link]
Oh dear.