Rainbow Falls
I knocked on Sir Win’s door early that morning. I had a plan, but I needed his help.
He answered and I explained what was going on. “I’m going to need supplies for a summoning.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “What kind of summoning? What are you trying to get out of it?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well you see,” he explained, “summonings come in all different kinds depending on what or who you’re trying to summon. Plus, it helps to know why you’re trying to do the summoning and what you plan to get out of it.”
“Okay, here’s what I was thinking.” I told him my plan.
He was kind of surprised. “With an accordion? Really?”
I nodded. “It’s that serious.”
“You’d better come inside, then.” He invited me into his building and we spent a while pulling together ritual ingredients.
By the end, I think Sir Win was getting a little nervous, even for a summoning-expert demon. What I was trying to do hadn’t been attempted before. “Is there anything else we can do to prepare?” he asked.
I thought for a moment. “What do you know about Singaporean hookers?”
“Not much, I’m afraid.”
I shrugged. “I guess that really is more of my kind of thing. Anyway, thanks for the help.”
I left, lugging along the summoning ingredients. The ritual wasn’t set to go off for a little while, but I had to be prepared. Equestria couldn’t afford for me to screw this up.
Jeeze, when had I become the white knight good guy? I frowned. Why didn’t I like to refer to myself that way? Because it wasn’t true? If it wasn’t true, then why was I busting my ass to save Equestria?
I put those thoughts out of my mind and got on with the task at hand.
When I had done all that I could, I decided to take a break. Somehow, that involved me getting roped into watching the qualifications for the Equestria Games.
The Games were apparently kind of a big deal. All across the country, qualifications were held to see who would get the chance to represent their hometown.
Rainbow Dash was fast enough that she could probably qualify for a team all by herself, no matter who her teammates were. She certainly had the ego of three ponies. It was too bad that her first choice for a teammate, Fluttershy, was still recovering from her burns in Canterlot. Pinkie was still there too, so the Ponyville team was also down a cheerleader.
Still, Rainbow had managed to find a few pegasi to sign up with her for the air relay: Derpy and a bulky white stallion whose name I had forgotten. I saw the three of them practicing as I was on my way to sign up for the event.
Rainbow came over. “Valiant, what are you doing? This is for teams! And pegasi!”
“I can still sign up,” I told her. “In fact, I’m guaranteed to qualify.”
“What? There’s no way!” she protested.
I grinned. “You see, you have to compete with the other Ponyville teams to determine who will qualify and be representing Ponyville at the Games. I’m the only one here representing Milwaukee, Wisconsin.”
She rolled her eyes. “But that’s not even in Equestria!”
“You’ve got griffons and other species competing,” I pointed out.
“At least griffons have wings for the air events,” she shot back.
I shrugged. “No matter. Even if I don’t do well there, I can make up for it in the other events.”
“You can’t be on more than one team!”
“Another loophole. As sole representative of my hometown, I am the whole team.”
Rainbow looked like she didn’t like that explanation, but changed the subject. “So what other events did you sign up for?”
“All of them.”
“What?!”
I shrugged. “Somebody had to. Now if you’ll excuse me.” I left her there and went on my way.
After getting registered, I went back to the library. Instead of practicing for the qualifications, I hung out and played my guitar for a while. I still wasn’t playing quite at the level I would have liked. In fact, I was going to have to take things up to eleven very soon. The fate of Equestria kind of depended on it.
Sunset poked her head into the room, her ears flattening against her skull. Her lips moved, but I didn’t hear anything. Probably because the guitar amp was dialed to eleven.
She retreated and I played for a little while longer before putting down my equipment to go get ready for the Equestria Games qualifications.
Rarity was still in Manehattan making stage costumes, so I had to make my own outfit. It didn’t turn out so well in the first few attempts. I vaguely remembered how to use a sewing machine from middle school home-ec, but those half-remembered skills did not translate well to using hooves and producing whole garments.
Still, when you’re working with red, white, and blue, you can’t go wrong. I got a nifty jumpsuit and warmup jacket put together. I must admit, however, that Sunset helped quite a bit. She was not my first choice, but Trixie was off with Daring, Twilight was doing Princess stuff in Canterlot, and Sir Win was too gay.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against being gay, but when you’re trying to design badass patriotic sporting outfits, gay might not be the way to go.
“Is it okay?” Sunset asked as we looked at the outfit.
I nodded and smiled. “Looks great to me.”
She smiled too. I turned away from her to put on the clothes. They fit pretty well, and they looked awesome.
I trotted in place for a moment, testing the flexibility and the possibility of hiding mechanical devices beneath the fabric.
What, you thought I was going to be using my only own muscles?
After making sure I was good to go, I boarded the train with the rest to head for the qualification grounds where teams were working in some last minute practice.
Guinness and Rainbow Catcher had come to watch Rainbow. Sunset had tagged along with me. It was a little strange to see her outside the library, but I figured that she was starting to make more decisions for herself. It was a little interesting to watch her start to come out of the shell she had been in.
I noticed that Rainbow was flying with two of the three Wonderbolts from Cloudsdale. It made me wonder where the member she had replaced was.
Derpy and the rather bulky stallion looked a little hurt about Rainbow’s team switching. I looked around. With Twilight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie in Canterlot for various reasons, and Rarity in Manehattan, that left only Applejack to see Rainbow’s treachery. Since none of the rest of them ever listened to Applejack anyway, I figured that it wouldn’t really matter who Rainbow represented.
Applejack was a little distraught about it, though. “I made all those apple brown betties for no reason!”
“Apple treats?” asked a voice. I turned. It was a blue stallion in Wonderbolts garb.
“Well, I guess you can have ‘em,” Applejack said. She gave the goodies over and walked away. After she was gone, I punched the stallion in the gut. He spit out little pieces of brown betty, wheezing and attempting to catch his breath.
I put my hooves around his neck. “I need you to do something for me.”
He didn’t respond, being choked and all, but I had the feeling he was listening. I went on. “I don’t know why you gave Rainbow Dash your position on the Cloudsdale team. I don’t care. Mostly I want to see Ponyville succeed while simultaneously seeing Rainbow on a less successful team than the Wonderbolts.”
His eyes bugged out a little, partially from being choked, but also because what I said hadn’t made any sense to him.
I nodded. “Yes, yes, I know that sounds strange. Believe me, even I know that I have a very strange sense of right and wrong. I’m hurting you for something you did to help someone I hate, in an attempt to hurt said someone while simultaneously helping a town that I kind of like.”
“Got it wrong,” he managed to wheeze. “Didn’t give up my spot. Teammates replaced me.”
“Oh, so it wasn’t your fault?”
He nodded.
“Hmm, well I guess I should make this at least look like you were a victim of a random crime.” I started going through the pockets of his suit, taking stuff like the gold Wonderbolts pin I found. I paused, however, and had a closer look at his face. “Wait a second, haven’t I mugged you before?”
“Grand Galloping Gala,” he managed. “Name’s Soarin’.”
“Oh. Nice to see you again.” I finished frisking him and handed his neck to Sunset. “Here, take this. Rough him up a little and let him go.”
She looked a little uncomfortable, standing there and awkwardly choking Soarin’, but I thought she had the situation under control.
I walked away to find the rest of the Wonderbolts. They were kind of dicks for kicking out their teammate, and they were my personal enemies for replacing him with Rainbow.
Have I mentioned that even I think my brain works in mysterious ways? Back when I kept a hit list, Rainbow was on and off it more times than I could count. Nowadays, I just wanted to see her miserable.
Guinness showed up at that moment. His evil daughter Rainbow Catcher was on his back, her hooves wrapped in his mane. “Hey Valiant, have you seen Rainbow?”
“I saw her with the Wonderbolts. I’m on my way there, myself.”
“Okay, cool.” He fell in step beside me. I saw him eyeing my outfit. “What are you wearing?”
“I’m competing in the Equestria games.”
He opened his mouth to ask how Milwaukee fit into that, but just then we spotted Rainbow, Spitfire, and another Wonderbolt.
Sunset caught up to us just then. She was slightly flustered, but said nothing. She, Guinness, Rainbow Catcher, and I walked over to the Cloudsdale team.
I said to Spitfire, “So I heard you kicked Soarin’ out because you’re a heartless bitch who hangs out with regular bitches.” I pointed to Rainbow.
Guinness said, “What?”
Rainbow looked at Spitfire. “Is that true?”
Spitfire said to me, “Who are you?”
The other Wonderbolt said, “Is there a problem here?”
Just then, the Ponyville team showed up. “What’s going on?” asked Derpy. “Are you organizing something nefarious?”
Rainbow Catcher grinned. “This is going to be good.”
“Yeah!” agreed the white stallion. He frowned. “Wait, what?”
“You can hear her, too?” Guinness demanded.
“Who, Derpy?” the stallion asked.
“Wait, I thought you were agreeing with my kid?” Guinness gestured to the filly on his back.
“That kid isn’t old enough to talk,” Derpy put in.
“Yeah,” agreed the stallion. “Just like Derpy I was wanting to know what was going on but then I was confused by her comment about organizing something nefarious and asked ‘wait, what?’”
Guinness paused for a moment to take it all in. “Okay, I get it now.” He chuckled nervously. “Of course you wouldn’t have heard Rainbow Catcher talk. She isn’t old enough.”
Changing the subject, Rainbow said, “Go back to that thing about Soarin’.”
“You’re a much better flier than him,” Spitfire replied. “And since you’re from Cloudsdale originally, you can compete on our team instead of Ponyville. Arguably, you’re even more qualified.”
“But…but what about us?” Derpy asked. Her lower lip quivered.
Rainbow suddenly looked like she realized what kind of mess had just been created. I grinned at her consternation. “Well this has been fun. Have a nice day.”
I started to turn but the other Wonderbolt said, “Wait, who are you? What city are you representing?”
“Milwaukee,” I told her.
“Where’s that?”
“The United States of America.”
“Never heard of it.”
“Trust me, it’s the best country in any universe.”
She snorted. “I doubt it.”
My eyes narrowed.
Spitfire said, “What do they do there? Teach ponies to be maniacs like you? I’ll bet your Princess is a nut.”
I replied, “We don’t have royalty.”
“I’ll bet your freedoms are restricted,” she said.
“What a terrible government,” said the other Wonderbolt.
I punched her in the face. The bones in her nose audibly crackled, her sunglasses shattered, and she immediately dropped to the ground. I pointed at Spitfire. “Sunset, choke that bitch.”
Sunset did.
Rainbow Catcher delightedly clapped her hooves together as she watched the violence unfold. Her mother stood, mouth agape, as her Equestria Games team was put suddenly and completely put out of action.
“Um, I guess there’s still Ponyville?” said Derpy.
Rainbow’s face brightened for a moment. “That’s right. I guess I should be a better Element of Loyalty. But hey, with me on the team we’ll still do really great! I’m the best!”
“Yeah!” agreed the bulky pony.
I stared at him. “Agreeing with Rainbow – that’s a choking.”
I put my hooves around his neck and squeezed. Musclebound as he was, it didn’t really work. He looked at me curiously.
I said, “Open your mouth.”
He started to say, “Why?” but didn’t get the word out before I jammed a hoof down his throat and cut off his airway. If you can’t choke them from the outside, do it from the inside.
“But now what will Ponyville do?” Derpy cried as her teammate turned blue and fell to his knees.
Guinness looked side to side as if searching for someone else to volunteer. When nobody did, he tentatively raised a hoof. “Um, I guess I could fill in.”
Rainbow grabbed him in a hug. “Thank you! You’re totally the best husband ever!”
Well shit, I had inadvertently made Rainbow’s day. The best laid plans…
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They should not have angered him ... id say i feel bad for them but its there own faults.
Valiant recognizes ponies based on if he's mugged them or in some way hurt them. Very interesting memory,
well now i can understand things before i was like sea ponies where did they come from? and why am i on a stage?
So.
I'm getting the impression that Sunset has a crush on him.
...Awww yisss. Let's patriot it up!
3930013 Apart from the fact that it is partially his fault that they spawned a demon child.
Oh and...
GO MILWAUKEE!!! Do us Wisconsinites proud Valiant!
'Caused by [person]' and 'result of [person]' is the same thing
An alcoholic, psychotic, maniac steps up to represent Wisconsin.
Chest swells up with pride, cheese, sausage, beer, and freedom.
Valiant's really developing a thing for choking ponies, isn't he? And poor Sunset, she needs to do something about that doormat whammy the elements put on her. In any case, I can't blame him for wanting to choke the crud out of most of the Wonderbolts, they kinda turned out to be jerks. Well, except for Soarin.
All violins want to be cellos when they grow up...
So does this mean Valiant qualified for the relay? Also, nice loophole.
3930815 That's the joke
I was wondering when a new chapter would show.
3931792 Well, I am a bit of a dumbass.
"I bet your freedoms are limited."
World: Freeze frame.
Valiant: Sing national anthem.
"Oh say does that star-spangled banner still wave... over the land of the free... and the home of the brave."
Valiant: Punch Spitfire in the nose.
World: Proceed.
ITS BAAAAACKKKKKKKKKSAFSDF;LA;JGASFJLA;SFJALFJSALGFNAS;LKHFASLKFSAJLK;FASJ;FLAKSJ;FLDSAJFDASL
The best Equestria Games ever!
3931452
*Le Gasp* A Joke!? BLASPHEMY! No jokes allowed past this pi -
1024997 Also, "Griffon the Brush-Off."
Wisconsin is best state.
An accordion?
Do you happen to plan on summoning a well known musician who has quite a strange name?
Hey, welcome back. There's a new chapter of Giant Robots are Magic if you were interested. It has fighting and magic and DJs.
Once again, casual psychopathy is hilarious.
Middle school home-ec for the win.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/128/9/1/s4e24__equestria_games___deleted_scene_by_the_linker-d7hlahz.gif
4631136 I am American and I found it hilarious.
4631136 thank you bookwarm
3933673 not following
What a fucking sentence!
I still think Rainbow deserves some punishment....in the words of the ever amusing host of the Hydraulic Press Channel: "She must be dealt with."
7717107 Things do eventually happen.