A Dream

by totallynotabrony

Molt Down

Maybe the worst part about running a school for children was the neverending puberty. Someone was always breaking out in zits and getting hormones and doing stupid, cringy shit with the opposite sex.

Today, Spike was the lucky winner. Or loser, maybe. Though, he hadn’t yet lost his virginity, so he was still technically a winner.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with any of that because not only was he solely Twilight’s problem and far away, but I was giving an orientation tour to our newest lunch lady.

Admittedly, hiring a dullahan and giving her a job in the cafeteria was perhaps a waste of talent. At least there was a sneeze guard to keep her face out of the food.

“So anyway,” I said, “As far as I know, we don’t have any special needs food requirements.”

“Not even with more than half a dozen different species around here?” Sugar Belle asked.

I shrugged. “Nobody’s ever complained about a problem. There aren’t problems. That’s what I do. I fix problems.”

She subtly adjusted her head as we walked. I glanced at her. “Can I...get you some glue or something?” We detoured into the development lab since we were passing by. “There’s probably some glue in here.”

I didn’t immediately find glue. There were Valiant-brand rolls of toilet paper in testing. Someone had also started making plushie dolls of me, weird as that was. I was mostly confused about the position of a strange orifice. I understand that ponies don’t have fingers, but that wasn’t a very good way to make a puppet.

“Well, it’s not always convenient, but I wouldn't want to fix it permanently in place” Sugar Belle said. “I do like having the option. It comes in handy sometimes.”

I shrugged. “Okay, but maybe we could do something temporary.”

I took her down the hall to Rarity’s world’s-most-exclusive-underwater-nuclear-powered-boutique. “Hey Rarity, do you have a collar or something that would keep a neck stiff?”

“Yes, but I can’t sell anything,” she said. “The store would lose its exclusivity!”

“You give shit away all the time,” I pointed out. “Not to mention, Sugar Belle isn’t looking for anything fancy, this is just for everyday wear.”

Sugar Belle nodded, but quickly stopped when her head wobbled just a little too much.

“Well, I suppose I could throw together a plain choker,” said Rarity. “Black, of course. It goes with everything.”

There, problem solved. I fix everything.

I slipped my autodarkening sunglasses on to walk away like a cool guy. I mean, it might have worked better if we weren’t on a submarine, but who’s counting?

Turning to go back to whatever I was doing before, I felt a small shudder go through the deck under my hooves.

I tapped my earpiece. “Cordoba, what was that?”

“How should I know?”

“I left you in charge! You have the conn!”

She grumbled something in Spanish and I heard a keyboard tapping. “There was a low yield explosion close aboard.”

“Whose explosion?”

“Let me check the cameras.” She paused. “A voluptuous swimming nun.”

“Say that again.”

“A voluptuous swimming nun.”

“I was afraid that’s what I heard the first time.” I sighed. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but I couldn’t imagine it was good news.

“All right,” I decided, “I’m going out.”

Though, you don’t just go out when you’re on a submarine. Particularly when you’re on your way to face an unknown, potentially an adversary. I kitted up in my finest power armor for the job, a set I hadn’t used for a while because it didn’t breathe very well. Well, now that was a good thing.

However, as I arrived at my personal office/workshop/trophy room/bedchamber/torture chamber/power armor repository/drinkery, I found Starburst already there reading my notes.

“The hell are you doing here?” I demanded.

He gestured. “The door was unlocked.”

Well, it was a drinkery.

“Get out.”

He put the notebook down and headed for the door. “I was curious, though, I read in there something about a soul in a jar.”

“Long story.”

“Is it?”

I sighed. “You’re just begging for a long story, aren’t you? Sit your ass down and I’ll bore you to tears.”

It wasn’t that long a story. I wouldn’t have told him if it was because I had to go see about this voluptuous swimming nun. But while the various robot arms around the room dramatically dressed me in the components of my power armor, I indulged Starburst for a moment.

“We killed someone, brought them back, and put their soul in a jar.”

“‘We?’”

“Someone was killed, Twilight - old Twilight - brought them back, and the two of us had some joint custody of the ghost for a while.”

“Whose soul was it?”

Just about then, the robot arms put the helmet on me and sealed it up. I pretended that I couldn’t hear Starburst and walked past him out of the room.

I was still wearing my autodarkening sunglasses under the helmet, but that was okay. Better than smoking or something.

On my way to the airlock, I ran across Twilight, Yona, and Owlowiscious. They scootched to the side of the hall to let me go by in my armor.

“Where are you going like that?” Twilight asked.

“Kicking some ass. Maybe. I should probably figure it out before I do.” I shrugged. “Outside.”

“We thinking of taking superhero team ambidextrous,” said Yona.

“Amphibious,” said Twilight.

I shrugged again. “All right, come on.”

They quickly ducked into a side room and suited up. They were getting pretty fast at it.

On our way to the airlock, we ran across Sugar Belle. She scootched to the side of the hall to let me go by in my armor.

“Where are you going like that?” Sugar Belle asked.

“Kicking some ass. Maybe. I should probably figure it out before I do.” I shrugged. “Outside.”

Twilight glanced at me. “Didn’t you just say all that?”

“So?” I turned back to Sugar Belle. “Anyway, facing the unknown, possibly hostile, in the ocean.”

“Need help?” she asked. “I’m immortal and I don’t need to breathe.”

Handy. I invited her along.

The five of us squeezed into the airlock and it slowly filled up with water. The three superheros donned diving equipment.

When the outer door opened, we swam out into the depths of the ocean. My power armor had a comfortable amount of air around my body, and also utilized thrusters to keep from sinking. No, it wasn’t a particularly failsafe system, but that was for drowning me to think about.

We almost immediately encountered the fabled voluptuous swimming nun. She was, I guess. All three three of those things. Apparently.

Mystic, Super Cow, and whatever Owlowiscious’ superhero name was were on my left and Sugar Belle was on my right. We faced off with the nun.

“Who’re you?” I said.

Somehow, despite having the scuba regulator in her mouth, she spoke. “I am Constance Prudence, the fourth of the Seven School Superintendents.”

“Nice!” I said. “Okay everyone, let’s just get this over with-”

“I have come to avenge my fallen faculty,” Constance Prudence said, interrupting me. “Your evil shall not go unanswered.”

“What do you teach again?”

“Theology.”

“Huh. Didn’t think Equestria had much need for that.”

“We teach what the curriculum dictates,” she snapped. Her outburst caused certain parts of her to jiggle.

“Whatever,” I said. I glanced around. “Who wants to go first?”

Owlowiscious, apparently. He pointed his wings forward. A glowing ball of purple energy appeared in the water and slowly built.

“Hoooooooooo-!” he let it go and it zoomed towards the nun.

She arched her back, putting certain parts of her anatomy on better display. A small readout in my visor noted that the local gravity field was somehow changing.

Apparently that was what caused Owlowiscious’ spell to get reflected and come zooming right back at us. It hit Sugar Belle in the face and knocked her head off, carrying it away somewhere into the water.

“Jesus Christ, that’s a mother with some superiors,” I muttered.

I considered what I had seen. Maybe her special talent was gravity manipulation and that was enough to bend light which make it appear that she was curvier than she really was.

Eh. Whatever. I activated comms. “Cordoba, could you kindly fire a torpedo and vaporize this bitch?”

Sigh. “Okay.”

Teenagers, man.

A door slid open on In Need of Beaning’s bow and a torpedo shot out. It made a wide curve and zipped towards us, trailing control wires that allowed it to be steered. I grabbed Twilight, Yona, and Owlowiscious, pulling them away.

Constance Prudence saw the weapon coming and tried to swim away. She wasn’t going to outrun a torpedo, though, and exploded with six hundred and fifty pounds of torpex.

There wasn’t much left, but I did manage to find some of her clothes. What a bad habit.

Back aboard the submarine, we realized we’d lost Sugar Belle’s head. Uh oh. The ocean’s a big place. I did my best to calm down her body, but I don’t know if she understood. No ears.

Cannon Fodder was disappointed to have missed the fight, but since the flamethrower she’d adopted from Baby Cakes was of limited use underwater, she reluctantly conceded that it was probably for the best.

Speaking of Baby Cakes, I went to see her, taking along Sugar Belle’s body. Maybe she could be useful in the kitchen still.

The captured cake-baking Superintendent seemed to have settled in with her new job and life. Of course, I would have been stupid to just trust her outright, which is why I asked the CMC to keep an eye on her. This may have proven to be a mistake, as the CMC in high enough doses could turn anyone into a supervillain, particularly those who’d already been one at some point.

“I didn’t know Constance spent a lot of time swimming,” Baby Cakes said.

“Better than a flying nun, I guess. So if she was number four, who’s next?”

Before she could answer my question, Josephine Jokester came in. “Hey Valiant, I heard you killed a nun.”

“If you’re about to say something about a bad habit, I’m way ahead of you.”

“Bad habit? What’s that supposed to...oh.” JoJo frowned. After a moment, she shook her head and walked away, muttering, “Zonks.”

“Anyway,” I said, turning back to Baby Cakes. “Who’s next?”

“They might prove much harder to defeat,” she cautioned.

“Hmm. Maybe I can even the odds. We need a trap.”

I picked up the phone. “Get me Merry May.”

“Dad, I’m on the line!” said Cordoba.

Comments

[Coretz]

*cracks smile*
First.
*gets eviscerated by Valiant*

*ACHEM* So that I leave something of substance here, I'll admit my naïveté: What was this joke involving nuns and broken habits? The joke appears to have veered far off course, having come no closer to my head than one of Valiant's torpedoes.

In that spirit, could you come up with a LIDAR- & Heat-seeking guided joke? To go against my apparent stealth joke armor? Thank you.

[totallynotabrony]

9002339
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_habit

[Amos Anon]

She subtly adjusted her head as we walked. I glanced at her. “Can I...get you some glue or something?” We detoured into the development lab since we were passing by. “There’s probably some glue in here.”

Lol, there's glue all around you. You just have to kill it and processes it first. No biggie.