Power Ponies
I stared at the six mares and Spike. I made sure to give them a disapproving look to make sure they understood just how disappointed I was.
“So...let me get this straight. All of you were sucked into a magic comic book that transported you to another universe where you were superheroes and had to fight to defeat an insane evil villain. And you didn't take me?”
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Just kidding. Here's what actually happened.
I was hanging out with Trixie and Daring Do one morning at Trixie’s place while the two of them discussed Daring’s next book. While they talked, I was in the process of putting together a system of linkage to build a pantograph; a scissors-type mechanism if you aren’t familiar.
I was planning to put a boxing glove on the end. I’d always wanted a cartoon extendo boxing glove so I could punch people in the face from a distance.
There was a knock on the door and I went to answer it. Guinness was there along with Sir Win. It had been a while since I had seen the demon. He was still flaming.
And no, I’m not tired of that joke yet.
Guinness said, “I’ve been thinking about Rainbow Catcher and I’d like to have her looked at by an expert.” He gestured to Sir Win.
I nodded. “So why do you need me?”
“It just seemed like something you would be interested in,” Guinness said. He looked past me into the house. His eyes went wide and he started to back up.
I looked over my shoulder. Daring had spotted Guinness and was walking to the door. “Hey, I remember you.”
I looked at Guinness. “You know each other?”
“Uh, yeah,” Guinness stuttered. “She was clingy and stuff while we were slaves to a theater together in Saddle Arabia. Then she took the play I wrote and claimed it as her own.”
“Hey, I helped write it!” Daring protested.
“You just inserted sex scenes as an excuse to get closer to me!” Guinness argued.
“You wrote a play?” I asked.
“We,” Daring interrupted.
“No, it was me,” Guinness argued. “The Pirates of Steampunk Middle Earth Fight the Evil Star Empire on a Planet Full of Apes While the World Falls Into a Post Apocalyptic State. You’d love it, Valiant.”
“And you were slaves to a theater?” I asked Guinness.
“That’s not-” Daring started to say, but Guinness talked over her.
“It’s a long story. I had to write the play in order to earn my freedom.”
“Really?” I asked.
Daring tried to break in again. “I can write, too. Perhaps you’ve heard of A.K. Yearling?”
“Heh,” Guinness chuckled at the similarity of her name to another author he’d heard of.
“It is a nice pun,” I agreed.
Daring said, “It’s not a-”
I looked at her. “Shut up, Daring. We don’t need your shit making this more complicated. Go be fictional.”
She huffed and turned around to go back to the conversation with Trixie.
Guinness sighed. “Thanks. I really didn’t want to see her again. What’s she doing here?”
“Working on a book deal with Trixie.”
“Hmm. Well anyway, back to my possessed kid.”
“Let me know how that goes,” I said. “I’ve been a little suspicious of Daring myself. I think I’ll hang around and watch her.”
Guinness and Sir Win left. I kept working on my extendo-glove. Daring concluded her business in a few more minutes and went back to her hotel.
Twilight arrived in Ponyville later that morning to collect her friends. They were headed to the old castle in the Everfree Forest to do some spring – er, millennium – cleaning.
They stopped by Trixie’s place to see if either of us wanted to go along. Trixie thought about it for a moment. “No, I have some writing to get done. Daring asked me to pen out a few things.”
“I’ll go,” I said. I could use the exercise.
We went into the forest, heading for the castle. From what I remembered of the building, the roof was missing in places, but most of the underlying structure was still good. Otherwise, I would have recommended a complete teardown and new construction.
Twilight did seem intent on fixing the place up. I wondered if she was planning to move into the old castle. I supposed that made sense. That way she could stay closer to Ponyville. It was pretty obvious that she didn’t like staying in Canterlot.
The six of them said they didn’t need my help so I didn’t help them. Spike got the same message but seemed a little put out about it. He stayed up in one of the old towers reading comics.
I was content to hang with him and read over his shoulder. Comic books are something you don’t outgrow.
We got to the last page and discovered that it was blank except for tiny printing.
Spike and I looked at each other. I said, “Probably just an advertisement to sell you fake x-ray glasses or something.”
“Hmm, I know I saw a magnifying glass around here somewhere,” Spike said, checking the room. He found it and came back to read the small print. “You can return to the place you started when the Mane-iac is defeated. Take a closer look to join the adventure in this book.”
“The hell does that mean?” I wondered aloud.
Just then, the comic book lit up with a magical blue-white glow.
Let me be perfectly clear: I’ve seen a lot of shit. Literally facing your fears in space (where no one can hear you scream) effectively enables you to pass most things after that off as not too serious. It may have been slightly boastful to tell Luna I was now fearless, but my point stands.
What I’m getting at is that a magic comic book was something I hadn’t seen before, but unless it was about to explode in my face or something, I remained calm.
Then the pages sucked Spike in.
“Huh,” I said.
“Spike!” shouted Twilight, rushing past me in an attempt to save him. The other mares raced after her, forming a chain and trying to stop the magical sucking energy from hauling them into the book. It didn’t work.
Pinkie came skipping along after the rest had already disappeared and did a cannonball into the ball of magic. “Whee!”
“Huh,” I said again.
Just then, a hoof emerged from the glowing light. It looked kind of sketchy. Like, literally sketchy, as if it was a drawing come to life. It gestured to me, inviting me closer.
I looked at it skeptically. “What is this shit, Take on Me?”
The hoof gestured again, slightly impatient.
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Let’s get this over with.”
Walking forward, I took hold of the sketchy hoof and was immediately pulled into the comic book. After a brief whirl of colored light, I was deposited on top of a building.
“Somepony want to tell me what the hay is goin’ on?” asked Applejack. She was outfitted with superhero gear. Ordinarily, I would have just called it a costume, but the horseshoes in her holsters looked pretty real to be cosplay.
In fact, all of them were outfitted with superhero gear, including Spike. He named them off: “Masked Matter-Horn, Fili-Second, Zapp, Radiance, Mistress Mare-velous, and Saddle Rager!”
Spike pointed at me. “Mr. Guy!”
I checked myself. I had a sweet suit and tie. I took off the sunglasses that I had been wearing and gave Spike a look. “Who?”
“Well, he doesn’t appear in this issue,” Spike explained. “He’s usually kind of the go-to antihero in the city of Maretropolis.”
“Sounds like me,” I mused. “I don’t ever cross over into villain territory, though, do I?”
“Maybe sometimes,” Spike admitted.
“Well, you should have plenty of experience with that, Valiant,” Twilight muttered.
“Hey, that’s the kind of talk that makes antiheros go bad,” I cautioned. “Plus, if I was a villain, I’d be a supervillain.”
“What’s the difference?” asked Rainbow.
“Why, presentation, of course,” I said, drawing a look of appreciation from Rarity.
“Yeah, presentation is everything,” agreed Spike. “The Power Ponies didn’t come up with these cool costumes for nothing. I just wonder why we got zapped here and put in the place of the Power Ponies.”
Just then, there was an explosion. We all stepped to the edge of the roof and looked down. A building that I recognized as the museum from earlier in the comic book had just had its front entrance blown out and the Mane-iac came out with her tentacular hair.
“Power Ponies?” she cackled. “How kind of you to join us!”
She was holding the Electro-Orb that had been stolen from the museum. Spike spotted it. “That must be part of her plan! My comic book said the way to get back to where we started was to defeat the Mane-iac!”
“Sounds good to me,” I said. I pulled out my Panzerfaust. Good ol’ rocket launcher.
“Hang on,” said Twilight. “Aside from where did you get that, if we’re superheroes we’re not supposed to kill anypony!”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re that kind of superheroes? Fine. Do whatever you want.”
While we were talking about morality, the Mane-iac had used her hair tentacles to climb the building.
“She’s right there!” shouted Spike. “Use your powers to stop her!”
Twilight’s horn lip up. “Piece of cake. I am the most magical pony in Equestria.”
Seemed like a solid plan to me, but Spike shook his head. “This isn’t Equestria! No cheating overpowered ponies are allowed to mess with a perilous storyline!”
“What about Valiant?” demanded Rainbow. I gave her a trollface.
Just then, our little discussion was interrupted by the Mane-iac reaching the top of the building and attacking. There was a pretzel cart clenched in her tentacles and she used it to start smashing around.
The so-called Power Ponies got out of the way. The Mane-iac continued to giggle as she assaulted our position. I stood there eating a pretzel, thinking that I could use a little a-salt myself.
I suppose the Mane-iac left me alone because I wore dark colors and wasn’t moving. Basically, superheroes know nothing about camouflage and stealth.
She did pause to say hello, though. “Mr. Guy.”
I nodded. “Mane-iac.”
She went back to thrashing everyone else.
“You could help, you know!” Twilight shouted.
“You and I both know that I don’t really do less-lethal,” I called back.
The Mane-iac knocked them all flat and then strode away over the street, her tentacles latching onto buildings and lamp posts to keep her moving. She still hadn’t stopped laughing.
“We’ve got to go after her!” said Spike, getting up and pointing after the Mane-iac. “The only way to get back is if we defeat her!”
“Lead the way,” said Twilight.
Spike nodded and we followed him downtown to a shampoo factory. We gathered in the shadows. Twilight whispered, “All right Power Ponies, here’s the plan.”
Above us and in plain view of the factory, Rainbow shouted, “Come on out, Mane-iac, or the Power Ponies are coming in!”
“Leeeeeerrrooooyyy Jenkins,” I muttered under my breath.
The factory doors slid up and a whole crowd of henchponies came rushing out. They all had fantastic mane styles.
By now, the hero group had gotten its shit together in the superpower department and kicked a not unreasonable amount of ass. Honestly, I was kind of proud. Take away their usual talents, take away their Elements of Harmony jewelry, and here were six mares that were not afraid of fisticuffs.
The Mane-iac went through the usual routine of sending her underlings out to get squashed before appearing herself. She brought a giant spray can out, one that Spike identified with some concern as the Hairspray Ray of Doom.
He was right to be wary, because it froze solid all six of the not-so Powerful Ponies. The Mane-iac had a chuckle over this, of course, and wrapped up all six of the statue-like mares with her tentacles and carried them into the building.
I called after them. “Hey Twilight, can I start being a badass now?”
She didn’t reply.
“What are we supposed to do?” moaned Spike. “Neither of us have any powers. Twilight doesn’t want you to use your weapons. I don’t have any weapons.”
“What about that bucket you just stepped in?” I asked.
Spike looked down. “Hey, yeah! That’s something.” His smile quickly turned sheepish. “Um, if you could help me get it off, that is.”
After de-bucketing Spike, the two of us snuck into the factory. The Power Ponies were locked in a cage receiving periodic respraying to keep them immobile.
The Mane-iac was doing her little supervillian monologue thing. Despite her lack of hostility towards me, I found her movements around her hairdryer-shaped machine…disturbing. Tentacles never make things less icky.
“Once the Electro-Orb has powered it up completely, this cannon will amplify the power of my mane one million times, expelling an energy blast that will cause everypony in Maretropolis's mane to grow wild! You will be my weapon's first victims, and there is nopony who can save you from this fate!” The Mane-iac chuckled and did her little slithery thing on the machine.
“Ugh,” I said, stepping out of the shadows. “Quit humpin’ the laser.”
“Doomsday device,” Spike corrected.
“Whatever.” I turned back to the Mane-iac. “Treating equipment like that is gross.”
The Mane-iac did stop, but only long enough to shush me and begin another monologue. “Tonight, we stand upon the brink of immortality, for we collectively - though, mostly me - have finally defeated our most hated nemeses!” She gestured at the Power Ponies. “We have hurled the brush of badness into the now fearful face of goodness, and have struck a blow for freedom in the name of oppression! And nothing will stop us!”
“Wait, what?” I said. “Go back to that part about freedom.”
“It’s a trick, Valiant!” Twilight managed to croak, only to receive another shot of spray.
I stood there, my lips silently moving as I tried to remember the Mane-iac’s exact words. Struck a blow for freedom in the name of oppression… Oh. Freedom in the name of oppression. It didn’t make any sense. Probably because the Mane-iac was insane. Okay, I understood now. No sudden shift to democracy, just a lunatic.
Unfortunately, in the time I had been occupied, the Mane-iac attacked. I got hit in the face with a surprisingly soft lock of hair. I mean, it was still a tentacle and it still grossed me out that it touched me, but the touch itself wasn’t bad. It was the impact I experienced after getting knocked through the air that really hurt.
I slammed into a vending machine near the break area of the factory floor. Bottles of soda and juice rained down on me, spoiling my suit. The Mane-iac’s hair slid through the puddles, reaching for me.
I picked myself up out of the glass as a beverage-stained braid crashed through the place where I had just been.
The Mane-iac was closer now, her tentacles stained with various drinks. She swatted at me angrily. I avoided a cranberry juice-soaked tentacle and another that was wet with strawberry-kiwi. Another, orange-flavored tentacle almost got me. I carefully avoided tentacle grape, and got free, opening some space away from the juice machine and my own terrible puns.
While I distracted the Mane-iac, Spike bashed his bucket into the face of the pony controlling the spray can. The Power Ponies unfroze and got out of their cage.
The factory turned into a no-holds-barred wrestling match and a copious amount of ass was dutifully handed to its respective owners.
Then the Mane-iac made the mistake of hurting an insect and Fluttershy hulked out. Dear Lord, that was terrifying. I won’t go into any descriptive detail, but damn. It was no more mister nice guy.
I frowned. Actually, me being Mr. Guy would have been more fitting for that pun. Then again, I hadn’t really lost my temper or gotten to blow anything up.
Anyway, Fluttershy broke the doomsday device which kind of bound up the Mane-iac’s plan as well as the mare herself. She flopped to the floor in a tangle of her own hair. It didn’t stop her giggling, though, so it was kind of nice that a portal appeared just then and spit us out of the comic.
“That was awesome!” Rainbow exclaimed as we all appeared back in the old castle.
There was a general chorus of agreement. I certainly had had a good time. The Electro-Orb I had snatched before we got transported back would make a fine addition to my collection.
Twilight turned to Spike. “Where exactly did you get that comic book?”
“I got it in Canterlot at the House of Enchanted Comics,” he said. “I didn't know it meant they were literally enchanted!”
“I’m sure you didn’t,” I said.
Twilight gave me a look. Slowly, she said, “Valiant…do you know something about this?”
“Twilight, why would you think that? Are you saying that I went to a specific comic shop in Canterlot, planted this specific comic, and somehow influenced Spike to buy it, bring it here, and discover that it was a portal to Maretropolis so all of us could be sucked in?”
She appeared to falter slightly at the illogic but then remembered who she was dealing with. “Is that what you did?”
“No.” And it wasn’t. I paid Lyra and Bon Bon to do it for me.
“But enchanted comics?” I said, changing the subject. “I think I’d like to get involved with that.”
“I’ll give you the address,” said Spike.
“Great. I’ll go to Canterlot as soon as I can and buy them out.”
“Hang on there,” said Applejack. “You mean buy ‘em out, or buy ‘em out?”
“I’ll do it with my wallet, not with arson,” I assured her.
We all went back to Ponyville. I was deep in thought most of the way. The Mane-iac was unlike any villain we had faced before, and I made sure to pay attention. I could learn a few things. Things like how to get a plan going, and how not to have a group of ponies with different opinions dismantle it. There are things to be learned even from bad guys.
The disturbingly tentacular hair the Mane-iac possessed could be an asset. I was not about to expose myself to radioactive shampoo, but it did remind me that I wasn’t taking full advantage of being a pony. Applejack, for instance, could manipulate her lasso with her tail. I had barely learned how to point my ears in different directions.
Once I got back to the library, I set about attempting to learn earth pony ways. I looked at my tail and attempted to get it to move. Trying to figure out a new limb is not easy.
I could sort of wag like a dog, but I was looking for more dexterity. I frowned in concentration. What was that Chubby Checker had said about doing The Twist? Just shake your ass?
I was in the process of doing so when Sunset walked into the room from behind me, carrying a load of books. Her face went crimson and she dropped everything across the floor.
I paused.
Our eyes met.
“You know,” I said. “This isn’t the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”
“N-no,” Sunset agreed.
Then I remembered that I’d never given a damn what ponies thought about me and went right back to it.
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WHAT!?
How did I miss that when I watched this episode...?
So true. So very true.
3674357 MUCKLE DAMRED CULTI 'AIR EH NAMBLIES BE KEEPIN' ME WEE MEN!?!?
References to A-ha and Megamind. You do spoil me so.
I made the story page! Hazzah XD
Not one of my better comments but i'm wondering why mine stood out
Anyways, this is probably one of the craziest stories i've read, and i've read ALOT of stuff, but you do 'crazy' well
So daring:
You rip off Indiana Jones, Harry Potter, and now Shakespeare?
Lyra, you have a new assignment.
That Play sound like a metro-fusion of popular movies from the past....minus the steampunk.
My entry for getting a quote on the front page:
"Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
"
Nice Aha reference though. And don't think I didn't notice that "grape tentacle" pun
Was I the only one to wiggle around in their seat, trying to imitate what they were mentally seeing Valiant do?
3674288
Shame upon you. Not only for the 'first' comment, but also for thinking Iron Man was the first movie to use that line.
3691168
I'm sorry, I was going to pick your comment to pieces, but I can't stop laughing from the extraneous usage of bold italic and underline font options.
tl;dr
Nobody appreciates someone who 'first' comments.
3690253
its a super hero style episode tho so it was a quote from a super hero movie rite
3690253 no, no you were not
Correct logic is infallible
Dude
3691887 I believe that 'tl;dr' doesn't really apply on a FANFICTION site.
ESPECIALLY NOT IN THE COMMENTS OF THIS FANFIC!
Just saying...
4031901 what does that even mean?
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=djV11Xbc914]
Must be done.
3970368
my sides to me right now: "U w0t m8? U trin' laff? U gon' pai 4 dat, I swer on me mum!"
4977395
I think you mean [youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=djV11Xbc9
Okay, NOW I want to see art of Valiant dancing and Sunset staring and blushing at him.
Wait... how do you say " - "?
Lol, Valiant's hero persona is amazing.