Call of the Cutie
I couldn’t move. It wasn’t enforced, I just didn’t have the ability. I lay on Twilight’s couch unable to do anything but stare at the ceiling.
“Oh good, he’s awake,” said a voice.
“Who’s there?”
Six ponies came into my sight. “Help,” I said. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
“No, you’re just temporarily stunned,” said Twilight. “We’re giving you an intervention whether you like it or not.”
Okay, so the paralysis was enforced.
“I don’t need an intervention.”
“Should’ve stunned his mouth too,” said Rainbow, rolling her eyes.
“Valiant, you need to be a better pony. You’ve been so unpredictable since you showed up here.”
“What can I say? I’m chaotic neutral.” I thought for a moment. “Wait, so you aren’t still worried that you’re a character in my dream?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Look, I understand that you might still have some issues there, but even if you are dreaming, doesn’t it make you feel bad to know that you’re causing so much trouble?”
“I…I never really thought about it.”
“Look here,” said Applejack. “Ah know that this is all real, but for the sake of argument, can you think about someone other than yerself for once? Stop bein’ a nuisance.”
“Well, when you put it that way, I do feel kind of like a dick.” Darn it, now I’m going to feel guilty about planning the deaths of those who wronged me.
“All right, I’m going to let you up,” said Twilight. She released the spell that held me.
“Look at the time,” said Rarity. “I have to get back to my shop.”
“It’s time for the animals’ afternoon feeding,” said Fluttershy.
“I’ve got clouds to move,” announced Rainbow.
“The Cakes want me back at the bakery,” said Pinkie.
“There’s a whole orchard of apples to buck,” said Applejack. “Dang it, I have to go pick up Apple Bloom from school.”
“I can do that,” I said.
“No way—”
“Come on Applejack,” interjected Twilight. “If he’s going to turn over a new leaf, you’ve got to give him a chance.”
“All right, but no funny business, y’hear?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Applejack left for her farm. I trotted over to the school to see if I could find her sister.
I could have picked something worse to start off my new period of being good. Apple Bloom seemed to tolerate me. I doubted that they had pedophiles in Equestria. Nobody seemed to mind an older male hanging around the school.
When I found Apple Bloom, she and another filly were arguing with two others. Something about cutie marks.
The two antagonizing fillies spotted me, and made some excuse to leave. “Howdy Valiant,” said Apple Bloom. She introduced me to her friend, Twist.
“You’re the pony with that strange machine, right?” said Twist.
“Used to be. It’s at the bottom of the lake now.”
“Were you running hydraulic or mechanical connections?” asked Twist eagerly. She pushed her glasses up her nose.
“It was hydraulic.”
“Was it a magic power source or windup?”
“Steam, actually.”
“Ooh! Did it have superheaters on the boiler?”
“The boiler was the thing with the fire, right?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Right.”
“Actually, the actual boiler is the place where the water gets—”
“Shut up, Twist. Nobody likes a nerd.”
I regretted the statement because I had recently said that I would try to be nicer, although I wasn’t sure if it really counted because Apple Bloom laughed.
“You’re funny, Valiant. Anyway, what’re you doin’ at the school?”
“Your sister’s busy and wanted me to take you to the farm.”
“All right. Goodbye, Twist.”
As we walked, Apple Bloom asked me when the new exoskeleton would be ready.
“I don’t know. Can you keep a secret?”
“Sure.”
“Once the new one is built, I’m going to use it to kill Twilight, Rainbow, and Pinkie.”
She gasped. “What in tarnation for?”
“They’re responsible for the old one sinking in the lake.”
“It don’t seem like they deserve that, though.”
“Once you take away a man’s giant robot, he has nothing left to live for but revenge.”
We walked the rest of the way in silence. At the gate of Sweet Apple Acres, she turned to me, her mood seemed to have improved.
“How did you get your cutie mark?”
“No idea.”
“Well, what does it mean?”
“No idea, why?”
“Well, ah’m last in my class at school to get one, and ah feel like ah don’t know what my special talent in life is.”
“I’m not really who you should be talking to about this. I’m new to the idea, myself.”
She walked through the gate and I turned around to head for town.
Twilight was not in the library when I got there. It was getting on towards dinner time and so I decided to try making some. There were many foods that I missed. I mean, it had been such a long freaking dream that I was actually hungry for some old favorites.
After taking stock of the ingredients available, I realized what I could make. I set to work. Not to brag, but I’m a decent cook when I can be bothered.
Twilight walked in when everything was almost ready. I had somewhat misjudged the portions, and as it turned out there was plenty for her, too.
I figured my purposes were three-fold. One, I would get fed. Two, I would seem like a nice guy for feeding Twilight. Three, it would lull her into a false sense of security.
“This is interesting,” she said looking at the dish. “Diced vegetables with some kind of white sauce. It smells great. What is it?”
“It’s human food. They call it Alfredo.”
She took a bite. “This is really good! Where did you get the recipe?”
“It was just knocking around in my head. Just call me the sauce boss.”
“It was nice of you to make dinner.”
“It’s good stuff. Oh, I know what would make this better. Bacon.”
“What’s that?”
I facehoofed. “I shouldn’t have said that. You don’t want to know.”
“Come on, tell me.”
“It’s pig flesh that’s been smoked and cured to give it flavor.”
“I…don’t think I’m hungry anymore.”
“Sorry.”
She eyed the Alfredo. “What was in this stuff again?”
“Butter, cream, garlic, cheese.”
Twilight relaxed a little, but pushed the plate away. “It’s okay. I got plenty to eat at Diamond Tiara’s cute-ceañera party.”
“Who, what?”
“A filly celebrating her cutie mark. She invited half the town.”
“Apple Bloom was asking about my cutie mark today.” I made a mental note to come up with a less un-manly term for cutie marks. Also, a more grammatically correct term than un-manly.
Twilight cocked her head. “What is yours, anyway?”
“It’s a hood ornament.” I quickly added, “A decoration on some cars, which are these mechanical transportation devices that move on wheels.”
Twilight looked like she couldn’t think of anything else the mark resembled. “What does it mean?”
“Well considering that there are no cars in Equestria, I haven’t a clue. I don’t think it has anything to do with me being a bad pony or an epic chef.”
“Oh, you aren’t a bad pony.”
“Do you believe that? After all the trouble I’ve caused?”
“Yes. I think you made some bad choices, but you’re good at heart.”
I stared at her for several seconds. I really must be chaotic neutral, because I felt the urge to stir things up just to see what would happen.
“What if I told you that I want you dead?”
She laughed. It was interesting to hear her tone shift from amused, to awkward, to nervous, and finally stop.
“Why would you say something like that?”
I shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know, but I did.”
We sat there awkwardly for a little while. “You need help, Valiant,” she said.
I sighed. “Yeah. The conversation we had this morning made me realize that I truly don’t want to be bad. I just like watching things burn, so to speak.”
“You need to channel that into something creative,” she said nervously.
“What do you think I’ve been building a robot for? Now it’s gone.” I stared at her a little more intently.
“I promise to help you work through this. I know that there’s something not right about you, and I want to fix it. I know you may think that everything’s fine and resent someone trying to change you, but I’m only trying to do what I believe is right.”
“I understand.” She looked a little surprised. I continued. “Unfortunately, it looks like neither of us is going to budge in our opinions.”
“You’re going to fight me every step of the way?”
“That’s correct. I’m doing what I believe is right.” I nodded to her. “I accept your challenge as a worthy opponent.”
She squirmed nervously. “Why don’t we talk about this again in the morning?”
I grinned toothily. “Sleep tight.”
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very good. you have earned a mustache or 8
304521
I would have thought someone with a username like yours would have commented on the Epic Meal Time references.
oh Bacon96 is also my minecraft username so why not use it for this?
I cannot read your cry for help without thinking of Sweetie Bot.
So... Is valiant actually going to go through with this death threat? Because that would be totally fucking awsome.
haha just thought what if valiant built some kind of flying contraption and "took to the air"
305875
Worth investigating. Ponies probably don't have the materials for heavier-than-air vehicles (the Pinkiecopter aside), so I suppose some kind of steampunky airship?
305975 worth brainstorming. since the fact that he's still in Ponyville the size would have to be considerably less than a blimp sort of structure. anyway keep up the work, makes me my day this story does
Was that... plot development? In this story?
I must be imagining things.
"Well, ah’m last in my class at school to get one"
Wrong. Im pretty sure Twist didnt have one at that point.
Metropolis Part 1: The Miracle And The Sleeper - Dream Theater
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Some Ponies, just want to watch the world burn.
licktheballs.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/gallery_max/image_gallery/1240931058785.jpg
She squirmed nervously. “Why don’t we talk about this again in the morning?”
I grinned toothily. “Sleep tight.”
*smirk* nice to see someone finaklly calling Twilight on a random BS she pulls. This is gonna be fun. so glad I waited til it was complete to read. Waiting for updates might've driven *me* crazy.
...Noo.... Nooo... NoonoonoonoonononononononoO~! D: I KNOW THAT NICKNAME~!
The plot finally goes somewhere, and falls flat.
Wow, considering what they say right after this, and how they've treated him up to this point, I nearly quit reading right there due to how completely stupid it was.
How exactly has he been such a nuisance? That would imply he's actually done anything important, which is kind of not true. This entire part came out of nowhere, felt completely contrived, and did nothing but reinforce the idea that the characters in this story are OOC to the point where it's not even funny any more.
And is this guy just stupid or something? I could understand the fact that he thought he was dreaming for the first couple of chapters, but by this point there's no way he could still think that way. And why is he suddenly so determined to blame everything on RD, Twilight, and Pinkie? He's not a five-year old, so he has to see that it wasn't their fault. To be fair, I would have been pretty angry at AJ for just saying "Well just make another one!" Yeah, isn't that the reason she thinks he's a nuisance?
I'm sorry. I'm obviously taking this way too seriously. It's just hard to keep up my suspension of disbelief in order to enjoy this fic when every other line seems to have something that nearly destroys it.
1653172 I congratulate you on making it this far. You're at the point now that things start to change (The point where I realized things were starting to go off the rails and just went with it.) Things do get wackier as we go along.
I love how he gets an intervention when everyone else (excluding Flutters) has been ignoring him for no reason. Valiant hasn't really done anything morally questionable yet. :|
Wow... he's really, REALLY stickin' to this whole 'dream' theory, isn't he?
2034709 63 chapters in, and I think I was dreaming when I wrote most of it.
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YUSH! D&D REFERENCES FTW
Also, he really is the friendly neigh-borhood psychopath. (You see what I did there? XD)
At this point I'm hoping that by Celestia's rule, at some point, he gives Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon their, just desserts.
Oddly enough that is either the only pony emoticon I have used so far, or it's my favorite, I'm not even that crazy,
at least that's what I want you to think.Why did they need to have an intervention? The worst thing Valiant did was cover Twilight with some oil. He's unpredictable, so is Pinkie, and I don't see them paralyzing her! WHAT THE HELL?!
*Alondro ARGS!! He stomps up to Valiant and stabs him through the leg with a hot iron poker. Valiant falls to the ground screaming in agony.* THERE!! You can't feel pain in a dream, so THIS IS NOT A DREAM!!! *Alondro stomps off again.*
(It must be noted that Alondro tends to solve problems in a very blunt-force, direct manner...)
4284218
"You can't feel pain in a dream..."
But what if you can, and your brain just erases it from your memory so you won't be afraid to go to sleep again?
5867429 I think my mind was blown by that statement.
5877440 Could you feel your mind being blown?
5917272 I could, It gave me a splitting headache
4003903 gotta agree with you on that. Valiant may talk weird (well, weird to them.), but he's not done anything that warrants being a bad Pony.
This just turned from what could have been the start of a good story, to a shite story.
I mean, I can understand why he's grumpy. He's mostly been shoved to the sidelines at best and completely ignored at worst. (Chapter Look before you Sleep comes to mind. They left him out in the rain, AFTER he was struck by FUCKING LIGHTNING! Also, he was also there when Luna returned, why didn't Celestia give him a Bailey ticket!?)
So far, Valiant's role is just that poor Butt Monkey that makes me get mad at the Mane Six. I mean, he helped Zecora make the poison joke antidote, they barely acknowlege him.
Also, what trouble? He didn't cause any! All he'd done, was spray oil in Twilight's face and get a Cake smacking into Gilda's face! He didn't cause any real trouble! What? Are the Mane Six using him as a Scapegoat for the problems THEY caused!?
I mean, aside from verbal remarks and that oil incident, he. Did. NOTHING. WRONG. Every issue was the Mane Six's own damn fault! Unless he somehow burned down someone's house, was basically the Spirit of chaos or some shite, He wasn't a bad Pony, he wasn't any better or Worse than Pinkie Pie!
This story's just taken a Nosedive into the Shitter.
6676884 That's what you think of chapter 12?
Oh, my child, you have no idea how much worse it gets.
6676884 The comments about grinding cows into paste, what would YOU think if you were a sapient herbivore?
What trouble exactly? Twilight caused him more trouble than he did to her.
There was the lightning incident where they left him outside the night. He told the ponies how much of a racist they were and even followed Apple Bloom, pretty much making sure that she was ok. He was almost killed when his robot sunk into the lake. And no one even thought of helping him. Being trapped while sinking to the ground of a lake is a serious matter. And he helped herding the parasprites too. Parasprites he had nothing to do with and were led into town by the others which led to the destruction of said town. Valiant never destroyed the town. Twilight did. So how in the world can she lecture him about causing trouble! She sounds like a hypocrite! You are not making any sense here Author!
Why not "Emblems"?
Why the fuck would you tell a FOAL that?!
7509042 Chaotic Neutrals, man. They're all bananas.
That ending was brilliant!
9656525
I'm not sure what Valiant's kill count is over the next two hundred chapters, but probably at least dozens.
*Laughs maniacally*
304521
God your profile picture takes me back. I hadn't remembered that scene for YEARS.
It's so weird, reading this story's comments from 2012. Seeing things like "earned a mustache" from back then.
Him: not doing anything in story and not interacting with characters and being ignored most of the time
Mane 6: you are bad pony and we will hold you against you're will because you are crazy
H U H . . .
7106127
1653172
4003903
6676884
Huh... So not only i thinked that was making no sense HUH...
Awe, don't pick on Twist! She's an adorable nerd!
Reading these comments from like 10+ years ago is a trip and a half, lol. I'm honestly on the Mane 6's side on this one. Valiant is fuckin' nuts. He keeps to himself, builds weapons, treats ponies like shit randomly but at the same time is firmly against bigotry and racism, he makes death threats that he 100% fully intends to go through with and further tells a CHILD he intends to kill a bunch of ponies, while all the while keeps telling everyone that they're just figments of his imagination and that he's dreaming. It's no fuckin' wonder everyone's on edge when they're around him.
The fuckin' nutcase is unhinged, mentally. He needs professional help before he hurts someone, which he's already planning on doing. And yet everyone here is all like, "ah no, see, they ignore the raving psychopath instead of engaging in his delusions which makes his planned murders 100% justified. Chaotic neutral ex dee" and I'm just baffled.
I honestly don't have a problem with the story. It's these reactions that are so flippin' mystifying. I want to believe they're just memeing, but lord..
11400064
Thanks for the callback. Man, to read this comment on chapter 12 gave me a good laugh.
Valiant gets much worse.
I've attempted to keep things a little more even keel in the G5 version.
- MLP Gen 5
- Romance
- Comedy
Sometimes you have to give up on a dream. When that happens, the only thing to do is get a second dream, a new dream, a better dream where you get internet points for being an edgy horse.