• Published 2nd Mar 2012
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A Dream - totallynotabrony

A not so standard human-in-Equestria story including but not limited to: democracy, tequila, and robots.

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Call of the Cutie

I couldn’t move. It wasn’t enforced, I just didn’t have the ability. I lay on Twilight’s couch unable to do anything but stare at the ceiling.

“Oh good, he’s awake,” said a voice.

“Who’s there?”

Six ponies came into my sight. “Help,” I said. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“No, you’re just temporarily stunned,” said Twilight. “We’re giving you an intervention whether you like it or not.”

Okay, so the paralysis was enforced.

“I don’t need an intervention.”

“Should’ve stunned his mouth too,” said Rainbow, rolling her eyes.

“Valiant, you need to be a better pony. You’ve been so unpredictable since you showed up here.”

“What can I say? I’m chaotic neutral.” I thought for a moment. “Wait, so you aren’t still worried that you’re a character in my dream?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Look, I understand that you might still have some issues there, but even if you are dreaming, doesn’t it make you feel bad to know that you’re causing so much trouble?”

“I…I never really thought about it.”

“Look here,” said Applejack. “Ah know that this is all real, but for the sake of argument, can you think about someone other than yerself for once? Stop bein’ a nuisance.”

“Well, when you put it that way, I do feel kind of like a dick.” Darn it, now I’m going to feel guilty about planning the deaths of those who wronged me.

“All right, I’m going to let you up,” said Twilight. She released the spell that held me.

“Look at the time,” said Rarity. “I have to get back to my shop.”

“It’s time for the animals’ afternoon feeding,” said Fluttershy.

“I’ve got clouds to move,” announced Rainbow.

“The Cakes want me back at the bakery,” said Pinkie.

“There’s a whole orchard of apples to buck,” said Applejack. “Dang it, I have to go pick up Apple Bloom from school.”

“I can do that,” I said.

“No way—”

“Come on Applejack,” interjected Twilight. “If he’s going to turn over a new leaf, you’ve got to give him a chance.”

“All right, but no funny business, y’hear?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Applejack left for her farm. I trotted over to the school to see if I could find her sister.

I could have picked something worse to start off my new period of being good. Apple Bloom seemed to tolerate me. I doubted that they had pedophiles in Equestria. Nobody seemed to mind an older male hanging around the school.

When I found Apple Bloom, she and another filly were arguing with two others. Something about cutie marks.

The two antagonizing fillies spotted me, and made some excuse to leave. “Howdy Valiant,” said Apple Bloom. She introduced me to her friend, Twist.

“You’re the pony with that strange machine, right?” said Twist.

“Used to be. It’s at the bottom of the lake now.”

“Were you running hydraulic or mechanical connections?” asked Twist eagerly. She pushed her glasses up her nose.

“It was hydraulic.”

“Was it a magic power source or windup?”

“Steam, actually.”

“Ooh! Did it have superheaters on the boiler?”

“The boiler was the thing with the fire, right?” asked Apple Bloom.


“Actually, the actual boiler is the place where the water gets—”

“Shut up, Twist. Nobody likes a nerd.”

I regretted the statement because I had recently said that I would try to be nicer, although I wasn’t sure if it really counted because Apple Bloom laughed.

“You’re funny, Valiant. Anyway, what’re you doin’ at the school?”

“Your sister’s busy and wanted me to take you to the farm.”

“All right. Goodbye, Twist.”

As we walked, Apple Bloom asked me when the new exoskeleton would be ready.

“I don’t know. Can you keep a secret?”


“Once the new one is built, I’m going to use it to kill Twilight, Rainbow, and Pinkie.”

She gasped. “What in tarnation for?”

“They’re responsible for the old one sinking in the lake.”

“It don’t seem like they deserve that, though.”

“Once you take away a man’s giant robot, he has nothing left to live for but revenge.”

We walked the rest of the way in silence. At the gate of Sweet Apple Acres, she turned to me, her mood seemed to have improved.

“How did you get your cutie mark?”

“No idea.”

“Well, what does it mean?”

“No idea, why?”

“Well, ah’m last in my class at school to get one, and ah feel like ah don’t know what my special talent in life is.”

“I’m not really who you should be talking to about this. I’m new to the idea, myself.”

She walked through the gate and I turned around to head for town.

Twilight was not in the library when I got there. It was getting on towards dinner time and so I decided to try making some. There were many foods that I missed. I mean, it had been such a long freaking dream that I was actually hungry for some old favorites.

After taking stock of the ingredients available, I realized what I could make. I set to work. Not to brag, but I’m a decent cook when I can be bothered.

Twilight walked in when everything was almost ready. I had somewhat misjudged the portions, and as it turned out there was plenty for her, too.

I figured my purposes were three-fold. One, I would get fed. Two, I would seem like a nice guy for feeding Twilight. Three, it would lull her into a false sense of security.

“This is interesting,” she said looking at the dish. “Diced vegetables with some kind of white sauce. It smells great. What is it?”

“It’s human food. They call it Alfredo.”

She took a bite. “This is really good! Where did you get the recipe?”

“It was just knocking around in my head. Just call me the sauce boss.”

“It was nice of you to make dinner.”

“It’s good stuff. Oh, I know what would make this better. Bacon.”

“What’s that?”

I facehoofed. “I shouldn’t have said that. You don’t want to know.”

“Come on, tell me.”

“It’s pig flesh that’s been smoked and cured to give it flavor.”

“I…don’t think I’m hungry anymore.”


She eyed the Alfredo. “What was in this stuff again?”

“Butter, cream, garlic, cheese.”

Twilight relaxed a little, but pushed the plate away. “It’s okay. I got plenty to eat at Diamond Tiara’s cute-ceañera party.”

“Who, what?”

“A filly celebrating her cutie mark. She invited half the town.”

“Apple Bloom was asking about my cutie mark today.” I made a mental note to come up with a less un-manly term for cutie marks. Also, a more grammatically correct term than un-manly.

Twilight cocked her head. “What is yours, anyway?”

“It’s a hood ornament.” I quickly added, “A decoration on some cars, which are these mechanical transportation devices that move on wheels.”

Twilight looked like she couldn’t think of anything else the mark resembled. “What does it mean?”

“Well considering that there are no cars in Equestria, I haven’t a clue. I don’t think it has anything to do with me being a bad pony or an epic chef.”

“Oh, you aren’t a bad pony.”

“Do you believe that? After all the trouble I’ve caused?”

“Yes. I think you made some bad choices, but you’re good at heart.”

I stared at her for several seconds. I really must be chaotic neutral, because I felt the urge to stir things up just to see what would happen.

“What if I told you that I want you dead?”

She laughed. It was interesting to hear her tone shift from amused, to awkward, to nervous, and finally stop.

“Why would you say something like that?”

I shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know, but I did.”

We sat there awkwardly for a little while. “You need help, Valiant,” she said.

I sighed. “Yeah. The conversation we had this morning made me realize that I truly don’t want to be bad. I just like watching things burn, so to speak.”

“You need to channel that into something creative,” she said nervously.

“What do you think I’ve been building a robot for? Now it’s gone.” I stared at her a little more intently.

“I promise to help you work through this. I know that there’s something not right about you, and I want to fix it. I know you may think that everything’s fine and resent someone trying to change you, but I’m only trying to do what I believe is right.”

“I understand.” She looked a little surprised. I continued. “Unfortunately, it looks like neither of us is going to budge in our opinions.”

“You’re going to fight me every step of the way?”

“That’s correct. I’m doing what I believe is right.” I nodded to her. “I accept your challenge as a worthy opponent.”

She squirmed nervously. “Why don’t we talk about this again in the morning?”

I grinned toothily. “Sleep tight.”

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