Hurricane Fluttershy
“So it kind of sucks being the butt of all the jokes in Ponyville, right?” I asked the mule. Rainbow had just flown by and used the phrase “be cool or be mule.”
“Well, being the unholy offspring of a donkey and a pony caused me to have an uneven number of chromosome pairs which results in sterility,” the mule admitted.
“But hey, you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy issues,” I pointed out.
“There is that,” agreed the mule.
I looked at one of the flyers that Rainbow was distributing. All the pegasi in Ponyville were being called to create a giant tornado to lift water up to Cloudsdale. Sounded really inefficient to me. I mean, Monstrosity wasn’t configured for heavy lift capability, but I was reasonably sure that I could have done the job without going to the trouble of creating a freaking tornado.
“By the way,” said the mule. “I like your mane.”
“Screw you!” I walked away in a huff. The unwilling makeover Rarity & Co. had performed on me was getting attention. I hated it. I wanted to be an unkempt ruffian again.
I saw Fluttershy sneaking out of the pegasus meeting. “What’s up?” I asked.
“Oh, I’m not going to be participating in the tornado.”
I nodded, figuring the issue was over.
“I feel so ashamed,” she went on. Rather than hurt her feelings, I stopped to listen.
“I just don’t know how I could ever do well enough to be a part of it.”
“We’ve all got problems.” I tapped a hoof impatiently.
“I know I’m not a very strong flier, but I just feel so embarrassed when I can’t even function like a normal pegasus.”
“Are you going to whine to me all night?” I asked. “Because if you are, I’ve got a solution to your problem.”
“Really? How can you do that?”
“I’ve been working on a jetpack, and I think it’ll fit you. Come with me.”
The next morning, I had the first prototype robot ready for delivery to the Mares in Black. I had been instructed to bring it in for initial evaluation, so changes could be made if needed.
I had purposely downgraded the capabilities somewhat. There was no sense in tipping my hand, at least not until they paid me. As it was, the flight controls barely worked, and the rockets were severely underpowered. It looked good, though.
“It looks terrible,” said Luna, once I had arrived in Canterlot. “What kind of camouflage is this?”
“It’s not. It’s stars and stripes.”
“These are the colors of your homeland, correct?”
I nodded. “While not very useful in combat, this paint job makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”
“Valiant, regardless of your other principles, I admire your almost fanatical devotion to your country.”
“I prefer the term ‘rabidly patriotic’.”
One of the test engineers gave me a list of things to change. It was about what I expected, so I could slack off a little in fixing them.
I walked outside, glancing at the blackened window where there had been a fire in the Canterlot Archive. The version of Twilight who’d come to warn us about something last week had escaped the flames by traveling to our time. She’d forgotten to plan ahead, though, and dropped straight into the blaze upon her return.
We accidentally created a time paradox as a side effect, but through intervention by yours truly, our Twilight had been saved. It could have turned out better, though. She didn’t consider my statement, “I saved your life, so now I own you,” to be legally binding.
Speaking of Twilight…“Hey Luna,” I said. “Do you know anything about breaking anti-revenge spells?”
“A little. Why, is that what happened to your mane?”
“Yes, I got makeover’d, and Twilight cast the spell to keep me from killing them all.”
It was a very strange feeling knowing that I should be angry about something, but wasn’t. I hated not being able to hate.
“I will do what I can,” said Luna. “In the meantime, get to working on the robots.” She turned to go back inside.
“Hey, why do you want these things, anyway? Just what kind of great evil is coming?”
“You’ll find out. All in good time.”
Later that day, I was back in the library. “Twilight, does Equestria have a Freedom of Information Act?”
“What’s that?”
“The Government should not keep information confidential merely because public officials might be embarrassed by disclosure, because errors and failures might be revealed, or because of speculative or abstract fears. Basically, if it’s not life-or-death, they should tell us.”
“I’m sure the Princesses have their reasons.”
“What the heck. Maybe I should file for disclosure of the upcoming unsavory event. All you ponies just sit around not questioning your dictatorship. Maybe the records department would be so surprised by my request that they would actually tell me.”
“In the meantime,” said Twilight, “I’ve got a favor to ask you. The weather tornado is about to start soon, and I think it would be a great opportunity to study the phenomenon. Could you fly inside with instruments and collect data?”
“That sounds stupid and dangerous, and I don’t want to do anything for you. On the other side of that coin, it also sounds pretty rad.” I had been somewhat inspired by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. They were the guys responsible for flying into hurricanes and stuff just for the heck of it. They had major stormboners.
As ick as it was to be sexually aroused by severe weather, I totally wanted to do that. Captain Falcon thought I was nuts and refused to fly with me, so I recruited Braeburn.
“You’re doing what? he demanded.
“I told you, weather research.”
“You never said we were flying into a tornado!”
“You should have asked while we were still on the ground.”
Twilight’s test equipment had been loaded onto the Monstrosity and we were headed for nether weather. I made a low slow pass to check that everything was all right. Twilight, Spike, and for some reason the Wonderbolt Spitfire were on the ground nearby. They were trying to get Fluttershy to fire up the jetpack and join the twister. I knew that wouldn’t work out very well. While I’d been trying to train her to use it, she’d never once left the ground.
“Here, take the controls,” I said to Braeburn.
“Are you kidding me?”
“You’re a freaking cyborg and you don’t even know how to pilot a basic VTOL aircraft? You make me sick.”
“Hey, you were the one who didn’t build the capability into me.”
“Darn it. Anyway, give me that rock.”
It was the ugly chunk of basalt that had caused so many problems so far. It had been in the cockpit for some reason and I had finally found a use for it.
Note to self: find out if there’s a connection between the term “cockpit” and hurricane-related errections
I tossed the rock out the window and it hit the power switch on the jet pack. I wish I could have seen the look on Fluttershy’s face because it would have been epic. She zoomed into the tornado with fire trailing behind her.
“Now it’s our turn.” I pulled the control stick over and dove into the whirlwind.
Over the sound of the wind buffeting the aircraft and Braeburn’s screeching, I checked to make sure the data recorders were working. I’d closed the window again and everything was relatively serene inside the cockpit.
Then we hit Derpy. She didn’t spat on the windshield, really more of a squish. I asked Braeburn what he would describe it as, but he didn’t reply with anything coherent.
Well, we’d probably better get that cleaned off. I activated the wipers, but they just bumped ineffectually against the mare’s body.
“I’m going out,” I said to Braeburn. “I know you can’t fly this, but just hold the stick and you’ll be fine.” I reached for the window catch and flipped it open.
The wind was a whole lot stronger than I had figured and it tried to suck me right out of the aircraft. I just barely hung on, but realized that I might have a little problem.
Okay, it was actually a huge problem. If I let go, I was probably going to die.
“Um, guys? Hello?” I doubted any of the pegasi heard me over the wind.
“Braeburn?” The stallion looked at me and shrugged desperately. He was belted securely into his seat on the other side of the cockpit and out of reach.
At that moment, an out of control jetpack’d Fluttershy crashed into me, slamming me against the side of the Monstrosity. The aircraft was knocked off course and I was left wrapped around Fluttershy.
We exited the tornado on a ballistic trajectory straight towards Rarity’s boutique.
“Pull up!” I shouted.
“I can’t!”
I fumbled for the straps holding the jetpack on, and got them to release. Fluttershy managed to get free and flare her wings enough so we didn’t kill ourselves on impact with the ground.
The jetpack continued on and smashed into the boutique, spraying fuel everywhere. The whole building went up in flames.
“Well, that sucks,” I said.
Seconds later, Monstrosity plowed into the building.
I facehoofed. This really wasn’t my day.
There was a scream that sounded like Rarity getting her mane burned off.
“Holy crap, Rarity’s probably in there dying a horrible death!” I jumped up. Fluttershy had turned into a crying fetal ball of uselessness, so I ran towards the burning boutique alone.
Just as I reached the front door, it slammed open, flying off its hinges. I got hit with it and knocked on my back, the door coming to rest on top of me. Braeburn trampled over the top, carrying Derpy on his back.
I crawled out from under the door. I didn’t think I was bleeding, and miraculously nothing seemed broken, either. Well, onwards and forwards, then, I guess.
The building was pretty much toast by now. I didn’t know how it was still standing. These thoughts only occurred to me after I was inside the inferno.
I spotted Rarity. It turned out that she hadn’t been burned or anything, she was just crying over some dress.
“Seriously? You have a big-time problem with your obsession with cloth.” Heh, clothboner. At the very least, we could say that the unicorn was…horny.
Damn, I’ve got to keep my mind from wandering. The whole “inside a burning building” thing required a lot of attention.
Rarity ignored my comments. It didn’t look like I would be able to persuade her to leave with normal methods, so I knocked her in the head with a heavy clay vase. Flowers went everywhere.
I dragged her limp form out the back door and sat panting heavily. All the action with the fire department was going on out front, and it seemed remarkably peaceful here with just us.
Rarity stirred. “What happened?”
“I rescued you from a fire.”
“Oh.” She raised her head, looking at the blaze forlornly. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”
I shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll get through it. Just do what you feel.”
So that bitch bit me.
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At least Valiant will get frost resistance now or something.
shit just got disastrous
...more than normal anyway
...I knew it!!! I knew you were going to have Valient's turning as an almost-second-thought event after you trolled us with all those times it seemed like Rarity had turned everyone!!!
...Now if only I had posted that as a comment before this chapter...
D:
PLOT TWIST!
Bwuahahahaha
That is all.
Dun dun duuunnnn
Eh, I still think he should kill them all. Probably with some kind of hand-cannon. Like this one, for example:
i4.photobucket.com/albums/y145/gbran/50BMG.jpg
It fires .50 BMG rounds.
447507
I knew it was only a matter of time before someone invented this. Human creativity sometimes oversteps the bounds of human stupidity.
447550 But then again, who doesn't like a stupidly big gun? And if people say you're compensating for something, you can just shoot them in the face.
"Yes, I got makeover’d, and Twilight cast the spell to keep me from killing them all."
Hehehehe
447566 Ah, Whooves. I might have something for you.
google.co.uk/url?source=imglanding&ct=img&q=http://i350.photobucket.com/albums/q432/mappster32/44_dalek.jpg&sa=X&ei=eiOIT_yDFemd0QXR9bXPCQ&ved=0CAsQ8wc4EA&usg=AFQjCNFPhe7VYNk6-Ud2dPu_ghfVTm5GHA
An improvement on the orginal design, don't you think?
447630
Why, thank you, Q! However, are you sure that outfitting the Daleks with greater weaponry than they already possess is a good idea?
In any case, perhaps it would be better to contact Davros with your plans - you can call him on 32535, with the area code for Skaro. Just mention my name, he'll be happy to help! Alternatively, I hear Derpy is doing deliveries to alternate dimensions now, so you could ask her. Just don't expect it on time!
Of course, if you want a personal model, I'm sure Valiant would be happy to make one... for a fee.
On a different note, call me The Doctor. 'Whooves' is a little bit secret-agentish for my liking.
447507
Why even bother with a three round cylinder? It's not like there are that many people with three wrists.
Now your gonna have to kill rarity
It's your fault, Valiant; you should know better than to say that to a vampire.
Does that mean he wasn't bitten before? I was kind of confused and thought a styled mane might be a vampire thing. Was any of the others bitten then? I guess I'm confused by the hints.
447562
hahahahaha
Pfft, speak for yourself. Storm chasing is the bees knees.