Too Many Pinkie Pies
With all my money missing, all I had left in Las Pegasus was my stuff. Everything was paid for, at least.
The company would begin to put cash back into my reserves, but it would take a little while. My research pertaining to firearms would have to go on hold.
I had begun to develop cartridge weapons, although nothing too impressive yet. I hadn’t even figured out a way to carry them. While my money reserves were low, however, I decided to experiment with other things.
An alternate universe version of me had figured out how to grow blue agave plants to make tequila. I had no idea how that worked, but decided to give it a try.
I went outside and planted my hoof on the ground. Earth pony magic had never really been my thing. I couldn’t do Jedi mind tricks or anything with it. In fact, until that moment, I had never experienced it at all.
I felt something shift beneath my hoof. Lifting it, I found a sprout growing there. As I watched, it got bigger and bigger, shaping into the distinctive spiky leaves of the agave plant.
From a half-remembered documentary about tequila, I thought it took something like eight years for them to get big enough to harvest. The plant stopped growing when it was a little taller than I was.
“Cool.” I pulled the leaves off and was left with an egg-shaped bulb a little larger than a volleyball. After digging it up and cleaning off the dirt, I took it inside and plopped it in a cooking pot. I picked up a masher and set to work.
A couple of days later, I was left with a quantity of concentrated agave sauce. It was sweet and had an interesting flavor. It wasn’t alcoholic, though, and that’s where fermentation came in.
With the primitive alcohols I’d made in the past, I knew a little about the process, so it was simple to get the mixture cooking. I left it inside stainless steel vats that I’d bought for the purpose.
While I waited for the stuff to mature, I decided to swing by Ponyville and see how the PINP was doing. You can’t just leave a nuclear power station to go by itself without checking once in a while, even if said station wasn't actually operating yet.
I set the Monstrosity aircraft down outside the building and went in. The walls were all made of thick concrete. I wasn’t a total idiot when it came to power plants, even if the explosives rigged to the interior walls begged to differ.
Everyone I talked to had asked me why there was a destruction method already in place. I had decided that it was for emergencies, although exactly what kind I didn’t yet know. Hopefully the blast would be contained by the outside walls and just annihilate everything inside the building.
Checks finished, I went up to Canterlot. Something had been bothering me ever since the Crystal Empire affair. That something was Trixie still being alive.
I stopped in at the castle. My leg was still in a cast from punching Sombra so hard he exploded, and it made kind of a thunking sound on the floor. With that noise, I’m a little surprised Luna didn’t hear me coming.
As I walked into her office, she slammed a book shut. I recognized it as one I’d seen her with the last time I was in Canterlot.
“What’s that?”
“None of your business,” she said. “What are you doing here?”
“I just came about the ELF.”
Luna nodded. “Yes, the Eight Legged Freak. She’s revealed herself as Trixie, correct?”
“That’s right. I thought you sent her to the moon.”
The Princess looked bashful. “Well, I tried. She merely ended up in low orbit. I am not as powerful as my sister, after all.”
“It’s okay,” I reassured her. “I wanted another shot at killing Trixie anyway. First I have to find out where she got that robot, though.”
“And while you’re at it, could you perhaps determine how she was affiliated with King Sombra?” asked Luna.
“About that,” I said. “Just what kind of villain was he? I mean, Chrysalis wanted to suck love from everyone. Nightmare Moon wanted eternal night. Discord wanted chaos. What about Sombra? Did he just want crystals? Aren’t precious stones like a dime a dozen in Equestria? Was it actually crystal meth?”
Luna frowned. “You have to remember, a thousand years ago when he was here last, I was on the moon. You've already told me that he didn't say anything of importance when you met him.”
“Yeah, he just kind of mumbled. Okay, I guess I’ll have to find someone else to ask.” I paused. “It’s not actually a kingdom of crystal meth, is it?”
I was not able to get a suitable answer from Luna, and decided to go back to Las Pegasus. I saw a column of smoke as I approached and discovered that my building had burned to the ground. Written in the ashes was a simple message. Regards, Beauty and Blackwood.
The distilling tequila in its metal containers had survived. Nothing else had. I took a sip of the beverage. It must have been the burning building or something, but it was the best firewater I had ever tasted.
The pleasant experience let me blow off a little steam so I could think a bit more clearly about my situation. I still had the company infrastructure. I still had a place of my own in Ponyville. I had Monstrosity. Most importantly, I had gallons of awesome tequila. Oh, and Admiral Falcon. He showed up a few minutes later, looking disgruntled.
“Good thing you’re here,” I said. “Someone needs to be designated driver. Let’s go to Ponyville.”
While leaving Las Pegasus seemed like giving up, I preferred to think about it as regrouping to plan a massive counterattack. And oh, what a counterattack it would be.
I had no idea what the Black Twins wanted from me. That was fine. I was going to kill them so hard they wouldn’t know which way was up. Hopefully they would get Heaven and Hell confused and go the wrong way.
I reviewed the advantages I had over them. The biggest was that they didn’t know I was from Earth. I had surprise on my side, and could do things that they would never expect.
Somehow I got to Ponyville without crashing. I was pretty hammered by then because it was hard not to partake in the awesome tequila. I stumbled into my building and collapsed into a happy stupor.
The next day I went to find Twilight. It was only fair that I should tell her I was back in town for a while so she could avoid me. I found her practicing magic. Pinkie bounced onto the scene and interrupted the unicorn, who accidentally turned a poor bluejay into an orange.
Rarity showed up with some kind of crazy outfit and listened to Pinkie freak out about missing so much fun. I would have offered her some liquid fun but had forgotten to bring a bottle. She dashed off and I had a chance to talk to Twilight.
“I’m back,” I said.
“Why?”
“I’m a victim of arson.”
Twilight and Rarity traded glances, actually looked concerned. “How did that happen?”
“You remember how I told you about the Black Twins? Yeah, it was them.”
“But why would they do that? They already took all your money.”
“I don't know, but my building in Ponyville is the only place I have to stay now.” I shrugged. “Anyway, I should probably go find Pinkie. I’ve got something that’s sure to be fun.”
I left before Twilight and Rarity could ask. I found Pinkie making out with Fluttershy on a couch covered with butterflies. I say “Pinkie making out with Fluttershy” because it certainly wasn’t the other way around. The timid pegasus still hadn’t told her fiancé that she didn’t want to get married.
The wedding was supposed to have been a little while ago, but the spontaneous appearance of the Crystal Empire had put it off. I learned that it had been rescheduled for that afternoon.
I coughed politely. Pinkie looked at me and waved a hoof, but didn’t disengage her mouth from Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash and Applejack showed up just then.
“I’ve got something fun planned this afternoon that I thought you might want to know about,” said Rainbow.
“I’m here for the same reason,” said Applejack.
“This is perfect!” exclaimed Pinkie, finally coming up for air. She brought her hooves together like a supervillian. “Everyone will now bring their fun to me.”
“Everyone?” I asked.
She smiled and nodded. “Yep! I’m borrowing a word from you, Valiant. Not all the sapient beings out there are ponies, after all.”
I nodded. That made as much sense as anything. I turned to go. There was no guarantee that Pinkie would still be there when I got back, but at least I knew where to start looking so I could give her some tequila. I was going to call it a wedding gift.
I encountered Cheerilee while walking back into town. She was sitting on a bench, wearing sunglasses to compensate for the cloudless sky. I noticed that she was reading a book.
“What the heck?” I said. “I thought you were illiterate.”
“That’s what I said so you would leave me alone.”
“This…this changes everything. Suddenly, you actually are qualified to teach.” I thought for a moment. “You’re still a vampire, though, right?”
She glared at me. That was answer enough. I continued on into town. Before I could retrieve a bottle of tequila and return to the butterfly couch, a crowd of Pinkies went by. I stood for a moment, dumbfounded. “What the…”
This sounded like a problem for Twilight Sparkle. I went over to the library and found her frantically searching for answers. Spike found a secret compartment and pulled out the book she was looking for. I was about to ask why they had never noticed the compartment marked with a golden horseshoe before, but Twilight rushed outside.
She quickly explained that there was a spell to reverse the multiplying Pinkies, but first we had to figure out which one was the original. Gathering them all together was the first problem.
“I have an idea,” I said. “I know how to get them all in one place.”
“You do?” said Twilight.
“Really?” said Fancypants.
“What the heck are you doing here?” I asked him.
The stallion from Canterlot shrugged. “Rarity was dressed so fancily earlier because she invited me to a little fashion show.”
I nodded. “Makes sense. Anyway, back to my plan. It’s going to take a lot of sacrifice on my part. I’m taking one for the team here. And someday, I’ll take it back. But until then, know that I’m doing you all a huge favor.”
I walked to the center of town and cleared my throat. “It’s my birthday!”
There was a collective gasp that echoed throughout the town as everyPinkie realized that I needed a party. That took precedence over the wedding, but some of the decorations could be reused.
Sir Win was a little unhappy that his preparations for Pinkie and Fluttershy’s wedding had been ruined a second time, but being the rather jovial fellow he was, he didn’t complain too much.
I have to say, it was the most fun, most exhausting birthday party ever. You have no idea how hard you can party until you have a couple dozen Pinkies forcing you to. At least I got some gifts.
Fluttershy got me a bag of falcon food. Applejack made me a pie. Rarity said she would help me redecorate my temporary quarters to be more livable. Twilight presented me with a book that I didn’t read. Fancypants had heard about my financial difficulties and gave me a small bag of bits. Rainbow got me a cloud.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” I demanded.
She shrugged. “It’s the thought that counts.”
My angry retort was interrupted by Sir Win. “Sorry, I didn’t have time to get you anything. I promise to make it up to you.”
“Can I have my soul?” I asked.
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Like a one-time free pass on death. Pleeeeeaaaase?”
“Well, I really shouldn’t, but I suppose I can make an exception just this once.”
“Cool, thanks.” I pulled out a bottle of tequila and grabbed Twilight. “Okay, here’s the next step of the plan. We get all the Pinkies drunk, and then whichever one stays true to Fluttershy the longest is the real one.”
She nodded. “I…guess that will work.”
I lined up a row of shot glasses and began pouring. Let me tell you, buzzed Pinkie Pie is way worse than normal. Luckily, they all progressed into mellow Pinkie pretty quickly and lecherous Pinkie soon after that. It’s a good thing Ponyville was mostly mares, because otherwise we might not have had enough to go around.
It scared the shit out of me when one of them sprouted fingers from her hoof in order to interact with the pony she was hitting on a little more thoroughly. Another one turned into a freaking horse in an attempt to provoke bestiality. I was happy to see that it didn’t work.
Twilight was zapping so many fake Pinkies that her horn had started to glow with heat. It looked like air cooling wasn’t keeping up, and I picked up the glass in front of me to douse her with it.
Wait a minute, is that what I really wanted to do? I set the glass down and picked up the bottle of tequila.
As Twilight’s head went up in flames, I spotted Fluttershy in a compromising position with a Pinkie. I could only assume that this was the correct one, and herded the two of them down the street away from the scene.
“So many v-vag…” moaned Fluttershy.
“It’s okay,” I said. “You’re safe from the Pinkie pussy now.”
“You can’t twat-stop me like that!” complained the Pinkie that was with us. I assumed that was the female equivalent of a cock-block.
“It’s your own fault,” I said. “You were the one who started it, plus the other weird things that have occurred. I think for your sake that waiting until you’re married would be the best idea, just to make sure nothing else crazy comes up.”
Pinkie sighed. “All right, I’ll reschedule the wedding for next week. I hope nothing else bad happens.”
We walked by Sugarcube Corner. A Pinkie was making out with Mrs. Cake. Mr. Cake stood there, with a strange look on his face. I assumed it was the expression stallions used when a sudden boner led them to discover that their homophobia was misguided.
I heard later that Twilight burned for a while, but an unexpected splash of orange juice managed to get her put out. I wondered what poor creature had sacrificed itself for the good of Ponyville.
True to her word, Rarity got my building outfitted. I moved in shortly thereafter. Having no experience with security, Rarity hadn’t set up the defensive perimeter yet. I set to work on that.
The Black Twins worried me, honestly. I didn’t fear them, but they were actively targeting me, and I hadn’t managed to figure out why.
That was put out of my mind for the moment as there was a knock on the door. It was Twilight.
“I hope you’re happy,” she said. “It’ll take weeks for my mane to grow out again.”
“It was still a successful anti-Pinkie party,” I pointed out.
She nodded. “I guess you’re right. Hey, wait a minute, how can it be your birthday? I thought time passed differently here than on Earth.”
I shrugged. “It’s complicated. Or is it? Honestly, I just thought of it on the spot and it worked out pretty well.”
Twilight nodded and turned to go. She didn’t ask for the book she’d given me back, since it wasn't actually my birthday. That was fine, because I had tossed it somewhere and still hadn’t read it.
A little while later, Sir Win came knocking at my door.
“I was hoping we might hold the wedding here,” he said. “You have the room for it, and with the rescheduled event, our intended venue is not available.”
“Can I charge a fee?” I asked.
He hesitated. “I’m still new to the whole ‘friendship’ thing, but I think that would be a rather unpleasant thing for you to do.”
I did feel a little bit like a dick for that, but said, “Do you realize I just lost my life savings?”
He nodded. “Well then, I suppose exceptions can be made. Could I at least ask you to help?”
“I suppose. I’ve never helped with a wedding before.”
Sir Win smiled. “I can promise that it’s more badass than you think.”
“Really? Okay, I’m in. What are we doing first?”
“I was just about to make the cake,” he said. “I’ve got the oven ready to go and everything.”
I stepped outside. “Okay, I’ll come with you.”
He turned away and I followed him. While I was still skeptical that preparing a wedding could be awesome, I’d never known Sir Win to lie to me before. I hoped making a cake would be a cool thing to do.
Oven, prepare to meet your baker.
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Well that was fast.
My first opinion of this fic is:
*sunglasses*
It has a lot of lampshading.
YEAAAH!
Worth it for the last line.
that was fast, and also, nicely inane hes observing and experiencing but not in the way! good work
Puntastic. And you just noticed that 'everyone' is used interchangeably in the show?
1632625 I was distracted by Pinkiefingers.
1632638
Yeah... that was disturbing. Then I read this and become 'not sure if still disturbed or want to laugh'.
I laughed far harder at Valiant setting Twilight on fire than I should have. You must be a bad influence on me. I'm also kind of surprised that he didn't try to duplicate his bag of bits a hundred times over with the pond.
1632647
Personally, I was more disturbed by:
1 - mass murder
2 - hair-pin trigger on the murdering, including for pinkies who just jolt-reacted to others failing meaning that she wasn't being careful at all as to whether or not the real pinkie would get "sent back"... which implies some very bad things about the value Twilight actually places on her friendship with Pinkie, even if you wave away the "clones don't have a right to exist" bullshit
3 - the premise of the test not actually being a sure-fire thing, especially since Twilight doesn't actually know about the differences between real pinkie and the clones by that point
4 - the earlier dismissal of Pinkie Pie's ability to experience emotion other than crazy bounce-everywhere manic
It's enough to make a guy declare discontinuity, frankly. Feeling PInkie Keen's lopsided moral has nothing on this.
As for this chapter, I'm sad that Valiant didn't think to make an army, if not out of the already existing pinkie pie clones, than using the cloning pond. Such wasted potential...
1632915 fixed.
1632917 Didn't make an army? I have a quote to go for that. It comes from earlier in the story when we were dealing with vampires.
“So you’re…creating an army of evil to stop evil?”
“Well, I’m not such a dick that I’d force this on anyone else, but if I was, I would prefer the term ‘militia of the damned’.”
That. Is. AMAZING!
Best line I've seen.
I just noticed,the chapters are the episode names
1632917
Yeah, I really did get a little annoyed at the other Pinkies being whisked away at a suprised reaction.
As for not noticing the real Pinkie being depressed before, well, yeah, it's obvious. But then the episode ending wouldn't have hit Pinkie more than it did. Or also, in basic terms, "we wouldn't have much of a show".
"A Pinkie was making out with Mrs. Cake. Mr. Cake stood there, with a strange look on his face. I assumed it was the expression stallions used when a sudden boner led them to discover that their homophobia was misguided."
This made me laugh so fucking hard.
Also, yeah, a lot of Pinkie's antics were pretty freaky. The fingers, the spontaneous G3 face, and in all honesty, I thought that the way the spell returned them to the pond was pretty messed up too.
1640943
True 'nough.
When that happen in the episode, it scared the CRAP out of me.
It scared me so much that it deserved the use of a swear word, something I never do...
Because that is AAAALLLLL we care about!
1653891
Now that made me feel better about this.
from where did sir win come from O.o??
1666646 Science, Steam, and Beer
I just spent the last 20 hours reading all the Valient-related stories to catch up to here.....
Saying I'm tired is a understatement.
1668704 I appreciate your enthusiasm. New chapter tomorow.
1632917
Are... are you serious? There's nothing at all in the episode that implied Twilight was killing them. That would have been an incredibly stupid thing for the writers to do. Which is why they didn't do it. They went as far as to show that the clones were sent back into the pool. They didn't die.
The only thing "sent back" implies is that she was sending them back. As in, not killing them. As in, even if she got the real Pinkie (which she wouldn't have, since, you know, the test made to prevent that?) she would be able to get her back. But yeah, going through all that trouble obviously means she doesn't care about Pinkie. It's not like she was trying to help her or anything.
1668865
If she could have brought them back, there would have been no dramatic tension from the possibility of the real pinkie pie being "sent back". I mean, picture in your head somebody freaking out over the possibility of making a completely reversible mistake over something that is in absolutely no way time sensitive. Makes no sense, right? That spell was a one-way trip... or if not, the writer wanted the audience to be confused into thinking that it was, without ever informing them otherwise; an incredibly unlikely alternative. That calls into question the entire "sent back" premise.
Why would it do that? Because if the author of that book could not bring them back or otherwise communicate with beings "sent back" to the pool(and we must assume this to be the case since Twilight did not find any such spells for doing so, hence the dramatic tension), then the author had absolutely no way of knowing what happened to clones(or real ponies!) after being "sent back" into the pool. Absolutely no way of verifying if they still exist in any form you might call "living", and thus no basis to claim that the target of the spell remains alive.
This of course makes the charitable assumption that "sent back" implies merely returning to a prior physical location, rather than returning to a prior form. The show doesn't let us know what happens to them after they disappear into the pool, but the most straightforward interpretation, because this is all we see, is that they turn back into whatever they were before pinkie approached the pool. That brings up an entirely new question: what, if anything, did the pinkie clones exist as prior to being taken out of the pool? What would actually happen to the real Pinkie if she were "sent back" to that existence? Could you define it as life?
We don't know, the author of that spellbook didn't know, and Twilight didn't know... and she used it with absurdly little caution at the risk of one of her best friends anyways. If that's her idea of helping, then she desperately needs to learn the concept of "first do no harm".
1668936
See, there's the problem. You're making too many assumptions. You're assuming that Twilight has suddenly had a 180 flip in personality, that the spell didn't do what it was meant to do (which we know by way of Twilight saying it), that the entire scene of the first one being sent back into the pool (in other words, whereever it was before coming out), that being sent back somehow means that they no longer exist (though there's nothing that supports this), that the writers had no idea what they were doing, and that Twilight suddenly stopped caring about Pinkie (which goes to the first point in a way).
Seriously, the only way it could have been made any more clear would have been to add a massive info-dump to spell out that no, Twilight did not suddenly become a murderer, and no, they did not cease to exist.
In fact, the writers probably didn't go further than having Twilight briefly explain it as well as having a quick scene of the first Pinkie being sent back because I really doubt they could have expected someone watching it to suddenly assume, "Wow, Twilight just committed mass murder! Man, the writers obviously suck at their job even though they provided no evidence to support anything like that baseless claim."
Did you miss the entire point of the test? They knew the real Pinkie would pass, because only the real Pinkie actually felt anything beyond extreme hyperactivity. Even not counting that, there's no reason to assume that Twilight, the author of the book, etc. didn't know what it did. That would be stupid, considering the spell was made by whoever wrote the book.
I'm sorry for the rant, but I'm just getting annoyed with the stupid pictures that have started popping up which are overly-dramatic scenes of Twilight killing everyone, and even more annoyed at the people who actually think that crap's true.
1668936
Anyway, I'm horrible at explaining things, so here's a quote which sums up why Twilight knew what she was doing.
1669007
1669043
Your friend is making wild assumptions about the contents of that book, and your use of it ignores the crux of my argument - that the author's inability to reverse the spell(and thus Twilight's inability to reverse it, the source of dramatic tension in the episode's last act) meant that neither he nor Twilight could verify what actually happens to the clones targeted by the spell after they are "returned" to the pit. Whether or not keeping them alive in whatever form he takes was the intent of the spell's author is irrelevant; he had no way of knowing if it was true, and assuming that there is some complex mechanism by which he could that we are never informed of because otherwise it would mean bad things is ridiculous.
Just to review, this is what we know about the book:
1: It was hidden, though we don't know why.
2: It contains some form of the legend Pinkie Pie used to find the pool.
3: It contains a practical description of and instructions to cast the spell to get rid of the clones.
And, if you count speculation, 4: It has an index, inferred from Twilight quickly finding what she wanted.
We don't even know if the book was about the pool or not; it could just be featured as one part of a larger spellbook or encyclopedia. Either way, Twilight only read a tiny part of it before learning everything we are ever told about the the spell for the rest of the episode. Also,
We know for a fact that she doesn't, since she did not know that the clones did not share Pinkie Pie's knowledge; if she did, she could have interrogated them one-on-one to find the real pinkie pie, instead of... well, I'll get to that in a moment.
They didn't know either of those things. Twilight doesn't know anything about the clones other than that they're a nuisance, and earlier characterized Pinkie as being completely unable to sit still as a reason for doubting the real pinkie pie before devising the test, meaning that Twilight believed the clones might be able to stay in one place and mope while the real pinkie might not be able to! That belief completely blows the premise of the test out of the water, and even if it didn't, the idea that the clones are fundamentally incapable of any specific behavior is, itself, an assumption. There was no test Twilight could have made at that point that she could know would separate the real Pinkie Pie from a clone, in order to get to that point she would have to run other tests to try and find differences between the clones and the real pinkie that she could test for. Had she done so, she would have stumbled across how the clones didn't share Pinkie Pie's knowledge.
That said, Twilight didn't even properly implement her own test as described; knee-jerk reactions to unexpected stuff happening 2 inches from your face has no relevance to whether or not somebody can focus on something. Yet Twilight blasted them anyways; the real pinkie pie easily could have gone poof because of an involuntary response.
Congratulations to your friend on identifying one of the reasons I hate the episode's finale. Since this was actually an attempt at a counter-argument however, I have to remind him that you can't use your own ideas on who the character is, no matter how rooted they are in the show or even who the character is intended to be by the writers or Lauren Faust, to deny what the character does on-screen.
1669175
As fun as it would be to argue this, I'm afraid we'll have to agree to disagree.
You think Twilight suddenly became a murderer because why not, and I think enough evidence was shown to prove that this wasn't the case.
Sadly enough, what I really hate about this is the fact that it might end up the same way as Princess Celestia being turned into Tyrant/Mol/Troll/etcestia by people reading too much into things. Sometimes this fandom really irritates me...
Anyway, rant done with. Sorry for wasting your time.
A perfect track record? That's the perfect setup! I can't wait to read about the killer oven from hell!
1669238
1669175
Are you two having a legitimate augment of authenticity... on this story.
This story is, one, fiction; two, insane; and three, most likely written drunk and for the lulz.
Therefore,
popgoesdad.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/quit_your_bitchin.jpg
Pretty sure Luna was around when they banished Sombra. As it was her and Celestia that did it.
I am half tempted, to kill those Lutece Twins knock-offs.
At least the original ones weren't THAT bad.
She deserved it, lol.