Sleepless in Ponyville
“She certainly seems to have imprinted on you, Valiant.” Twilight was reading from a book titled Young Foal Psychology.
I stared morosely at the blue unicorn filly, who seemed unaffected by my death glare. In fact, Trixie seemed to think I wasn’t her sworn arch nemesis. Like we had feared, her memory had pretty much been wiped. Twilight estimated her age at six years old.
“I can’t even tell her to get out of my hair by sending her to hang out with the Cutie Mark Crusaders,” I complained. “She’s a couple of years too young.”
“Well, somepony has to take care of her,” Twilight pointed out.
“And she’s a couple of years too old to just foist her off on the Cakes as an adopted third child.” I sighed. “This sucks so much.”
“What does that mean?” asked Trixie. It sounded strange for her to not be using her “Great and Powerful” façade.
“It means that it’s not a good thing,” I said.
She seemed satisfied with my explanation and went back to looking through the children’s section of the library. She was at least old enough to read.
“I hope you’ll watch your language around her,” said Twilight, giving me a look. “We certainly don’t need a foal that speaks like you. I mean, what will ponies think? She’ll be talking about hands and bacon, and none of the words that come out of her mouth will be politically correct.”
“Speaking of politicians, I know how we can solve this problem. I’ll go to the Princesses. You said it took powerful magic to do age spells, right?”
Twilight nodded reluctantly. “And I suppose if it doesn’t work, you can enroll her in the school for gifted unicorns. I stayed with my parents in Canterlot, but I know there were some dormitories for students that lived at the school.”
“I thought it was for gifted unicorns.”
“Well, regardless of how she used her power, Trixie’s cutie mark was for magic.” Twilight shrugged. “I’m sure that counts for something.”
I sighed and glanced at the currently bareflanked Trixie. “I’ll also have to figure out why I’m not openly hostile to her anymore.”
“Well, it’s pretty clear that she isn’t really the same pony you had a grudge with.” Twilight grinned. “I think you might have a case of the feels.”
I glared at her. “If you ever talk about my feelings again, I’m going to murder you.”
“What’s murder?” asked Trixie.
“Why don’t you talk about that some other time?” suggested Twilight.
I sighed, somehow not able to be angry. God damn, having feelings sucks. “I guess we’d better get started. The sooner this gets fixed, the better.”
The thought that I was trying to return Trixie to her usual state just so I could kill her was somewhat difficult to process. I decided to save it for later. “Come on, Trix.”
The little filly trotted after me as I headed for the door. Outside, I stopped short as Scootaloo went buzzing by on her scooter at a high rate of speed. Trixie bumped into me, her horn poking my side. I winced and stepped out of the way.
“That looks like fun!” exclaimed Trixie, watching the departing Scootaloo.
“She’s a pegasus and uses her wings to move forward.”
Trixie screwed up her face in concentration. Her horn glowed, and her hooves began to lift off the ground with magic. As she began to float away, I quickly pulled her back. “Maybe you want to practice that first. Where did you learn to use magic anyway?”
She shrugged, seemingly unperturbed by me yanking her out of the air. “It’s not too hard.”
Well, I suppose Twilight did say her talent was magic itself. I would have to be careful of that if I wanted my plans to succeed. I knew where I stood with old Trixie. This kid was going to drive me nuts.
I walked down the street towards my place. I was keeping an eye on Trixie and not really paying attention to where I was going. Her eyes were wide and staring at all the things around town. I wondered if perhaps I could instill in her some wholesome democratic values so that she would be skeptical and pessimistic about this magical little land. Maybe I could even turn her into a lil’ insurgent. I frowned as I thought about it. No, wait, insurgents were bad. Democracy was good. Turn her into a…uh…freedom fighter. Yeah, let’s go with that.
I thought that it was lucky Trixie had been returned to her natural, unmutated state when she had been changed into a foal. God, how creepy would a little filly with spider legs be? Not to mention how the townsfolk would react. I mean, I’m used to torch and pitchfork mobs, but they’re usually directed at me.
I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the Black Twins until Trixie and I had practically walked into them. I stopped in my tracks. Trixie ran into me again. I might be developing a bruise from her horn.
“We’re here to inform you about our intent to stop Fluttershy and Pinkie’s wedding,” said Woody.
“What the hell does that have to do with me?” I asked. “The two of them are going to Las Pegasus to find a quick-n-easy method because everything else so far has gotten ruined. I’m not involved this time.”
Beauty nodded. “By terminating their planned ceremony, it will force them to hold another at a later time. They might decide to have it in Ponyville, which will get you involved.”
I stared at the two of them. “What sort of convoluted plan is that? What type of idiots are you to tell me this? Futhermore, what kind of evil bitches ruin a wedding on purpose?”
“What are bitches?” asked Trixie.
“Not now,” I told her. I turned back to the Black Twins who stared at me impassively. “And didn’t you say you were going to destroy my building? It hasn’t happened yet.”
“We said we’d do it in a week,” explained Woody.
“And next week, we will,” promised Beauty. She glanced at Trixie. “Cute kid.”
“She isn’t mine.” I watched as the two of them turned and walked away. I stared after them with rage. I do have a few honor standards, but at this point if my gun was ready, I would have shot them in the back without hesitation. The nerve to think Trixie was my daughter.
I debated working on the Desert Eagle now, or wait until I had taken the filly to Canterlot. I didn’t know if I could work with the distraction of her around, so I decided to make the trip first.
Trixie stared with wonder at the Monstrosity aircraft. Admiral Falcon fluttered over and took up position in the copilot seat while I made a few preflight checks. Trixie clambered through the rear door as the engines started.
“This is fun!” she called.
“We haven’t even left the ground yet,” I said. After advancing the throttles, the aircraft lifted off. Trixie squealed with excitement and wrapped a harness around her body so she could lean out the open door without fear of falling.
“Something strange about that kid,” I remarked to Admiral. He shrugged noncommittally.
The flight to Canterlot didn’t take long. I landed in the castle courtyard and took Trixie up to see the Princesses. Only Luna was available. I started in on the story of how we ended up in this situation.
“…and that’s how I ended up with this.” I finished the narrative and gestured at Trixie, who was busy reading a book that was lying on Luna’s desk.
“If an age spell isn’t reversed immediately, then there could be unintended consequences of trying to undo it,” Luna explained. “The spells slowly wear off, and it becomes harder to compensate for that the longer you leave it.”
“So…she’ll eventually return to her normal age?” I asked. Luna nodded. “So how long will that take?”
“It’s hard to say. I could explain, but—”
“Magic, yeah.” I rolled my eyes.
Luna smiled. “Don’t feel bad. There is a lot that even I don’t know about it. For instance, I’m still slightly confused about resuming my role as Royal Dream Moderator.”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“I enter the subconscious of sleeping ponies to help them have healthier, less scary subconsciouses. A kind of nighmare patrol, if you will.”
“So you’re some kind of dream police? That’s a cheap trick.”
Luna shrugged. “I want you to want me to help. Just surrender your doubts.”
“Don’t forget that for a long time I thought that Equestria was a dream. Two can play at this game.”
The Princess nodded. “Very well. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”
“What? Aren’t you going to fix Trixie?”
“No. It would be best if we just gave her time to re-grow up.”
“Well, can we enroll her in the gifted unicorns school?” I asked.
“We have a standing policy about admitting students who are currently under the effects of spells.”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
Luna looked thoughtful. “Raise her?”
“Do I look like I’m qualified!?” I shouted.
“There’s no reason you can’t learn,” Luna suggested. “Why don’t you just go back to Ponyville. I’m sure there are plenty of ponies around there who could help you.”
“You’re insane. Come on Trixie, let’s go before the insanity spreads.” I got up and Trixie closed the book, which I recognized as one Luna had had around her office before. It had a dark cover and faint markings of stars and swirls. Then I tripped over a bearded lizard and went sprawling to the floor. The reptile scurried away.
“What the hell do you have those things in your office for?” I demanded.
Luna shrugged. “It’s an ancient castle. Sometimes things just get in.”
Grumbling about a suspicious lack of exterminators in Canterlot, I led Trixie back outside. She said, “I’m hungry.”
What the hell was I supposed to feed a kid? I looked around. Aha, the donut shop. We went inside. Joe asked, “Are you really sure you want to just feed her this much sugar?”
“It’s your fault for not making healthy donuts,” I pointed out.
Joe made a face. “I think you’re looking for the bagel shop.”
Trixie and I headed that way, but found a proper restaurant first. They had a kids’ menu. I stared at the little filly as she ate, seeing absolutely none of the Trixie I had grown to hate. Where had her life taken a turn to transform her into such a bitch? Was it something that could be avoided by a different lifestyle?
A while later we were back in Ponyville. My plan to show Trixie the boring drudgery of interacting with heads of state had failed. She told me that she enjoyed the experience of simply hanging out with me.
“Well, make yourself useful and hold this.” I gave her a few small parts of the Desert Eagle and picked up the frame with my hooves. “Now, put them in here and here.”
Trixie concentrated, her tongue sticking out. With magic, she inserted the parts into the proper places. I was a little envious, actually. Being a unicorn would up my weapons production considerably.
There was a knock on the door and Applejack stuck her head in. “Hey Valiant, I’m goin’ camping with Apple Bloom. Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Rainbow, and Scootaloo are coming too. We can take Trixie if you want.”
Trixie sqeeed with excitement and tugged on my hoof. “You should come too. Please?”
“I don’t have a tent.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “The one Rarity brought has two floors. She’ll probably let you stay. Besides, you should get out of town soon. Pinkie and Fluttershy are coming back from Las Pegasus soon.”
“What, and miss the wedding afterparty?” I said.
Applejack shook her head. “Nope. We heard that the wedding was called off ‘cause Las Pegasus was destroyed.”
“What, like…all of it?”
“Sounded like it,” Applejack confirmed. “They’re sayin’ it’s the worst disaster in Equestrian history. There were almost a dozen injured.”
Holy shit. Mathematically, that made the Black Twins worse villains than Nightmare, Discord, Chrysalis, and Sombra put together. I wondered why Applejack hadn’t mentioned the Twins. Maybe they’d done it secretly? That was why they had told me about it-I wouldn’t have known otherwise. And everyone thought I was a sick bastard.
I packed up a few things and Trixie happily pulled me along to go camping. After walking for a while into the woods, we set up camp. Applejack used a bow fire drill to light up the camp fire. It was an interesting piece of field craft, but I couldn’t really show her up because I had forgotten to bring any napalm.
As we sat around the fire, Rainbow started to tell some scary story. I wasn’t really paying attention. Trixie was leaning on me, and at particularly intense moments of Rainbow’s story, she would sometimes tense up.
Later that night, the two of us crashed in Rarity’s tent, which was more than big enough. Trixie had her own sleeping bag. She smiled at me. “Thanks for everything. This was the best day ever. I love you, daddy.”
My eye twitched, and my whole body followed suit. I heard Rarity come stomping down the stairs. “Valiant, what is that awful noise you’re making?”
“I…I think I’m having a heart attack. I hope I am, because that would be way more manly than the alternative.”
I did not die, however, and in the morning had mostly managed to forget about the incident. After packing up, we kept walking. The trees were getting thicker. Our ultimate destination was a waterfall. I didn’t know much about the place, but I had been promised rainbows. I hate rainbows, especially the pegasus variety.
Dash hadn’t done much to annoy me today, and for that I was happy. It gave me more time to concentrate on Trixie, who was busy frolicking. I couldn’t tell, but she might have been slightly taller today. I figured it was the spell wearing off, like Luna said. At this rate, she might be back to normal in a few weeks.
After walking all day, we made camp in the evening inside a cave below the falls, intending to walk up there in the morning. At some point in the night, Trixie nudged me awake.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Princess Luna was in my dream. She told me to tell you that Scootaloo might be in trouble.”
I sighed. “All right, let’s go.”
Scootaloo’s sleeping bag was empty. The two of us walked out of the cave. Trixie cast a soft light from her horn that helped me find scooter tracks on the ground. From behind, I heard a snort that sounded like Rainbow was choking on air and/or snoring like a horse. Maybe that’s why she wore earplugs, to stop from waking herself up.
We walked through the forest, carefully keeping to the path Scootaloo had taken. I was brought up short, however by a sword stuck in the ground behind a bush. It was the one I had forged with the intent of killing the Black Twins. I thought it had been lost forever.
“What’s that?” asked Trixie.
“It’s a sword. I made it myself.”
“Neat.”
I carried the blade carefully and we kept walking. Overhead, I saw Rainbow go by. The pegasus pulled up short. “Hey, what are you doing out here?”
“Looking for Scootaloo,” I answered.
“Did a dream wake you up, too? Did Princess Luna show you—” She shook her head. “Never mind.”
“No, I want to hear this,” I said. “What did she show you?”
Rainbow flew away without answering. Trixie and I continued on, still following the tracks. In a few minutes, we came to a river that ended in a waterfall. Rainbow flew up from under the cliff, carrying a wet Scootaloo.
“Ha!” exclaimed Rainbow. “Look who’s fastest at saving lives.”
“You think you’re so great?” I asked.
Rainbow puffed out her chest. “Yeah. I’m better than anypony.”
“I know a good way to even things up. Death is called the great equalizer for a reason-the rules are the same for everyone.” I glared at Rainbow. Once again, she took off without comment. I realized she still hadn’t told us what Luna had showed her.
This was just Rainbow being Rainbow, and I could hardly add her to the kill list for being her usual self. Didn’t mean she wasn’t close to being added anyway. I mentally reviewed who was on it. Oh yeah, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were near the top. The Black Twins, on the other hand, had received so much of my hate that they practically had their own list.
Hopefully this sword would serve as an interim offensive measure until I could get the handgun finished. The Desert Eagle was my master plan, but I would certainly settle for killing them with a blade.
With Scootaloo saved and in good health, Trixie and I walked back towards the cave. She looked at the sword. “Can I hold that?”
“It’s pretty dangerous.”
“I’ll be careful, I promise.”
Well, if I could trust three fillies with a robot, I could probably trust just one with a sword. That reminded me, I still needed to pay the Crusaders back for using their robot to put a stop to the rampaging spiderbot Trixie had been piloting. That reminded me that I still needed to visit Fillydelphia Cybernetics.
Trixie experimentally swung the sword in front of her with magic, slicing off a few vines and even tree branches. It was a little hilarious to watch, since it was a rather large sword even in my hooves. For her, it was longer than she was tall. I quietly managed to suppress a laugh so I wouldn’t have to explain to her what I thought was funny. I didn’t stop watching, though.
The next morning, we all headed to our main destination. As we walked, I noticed again that Trixie might have grown an inch in the night.
The falls were all technicolor and stuff. Speaking of rainbows, I asked Rainbow again what Luna had shown her. She was reluctant to answer.
“Uh…distraction!” Rainbow kicked a low-hanging cloud and rain showered down on Trixie and I.
The dripping wet filly growled. “You’re a bitch, Rainbow.”
In spite of myself, I grinned. “That’s my girl.”
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...stars and swirls. Then I tripped over a bearded...
I see what you did there.
1763628 Bearded lizard
And no mention of Cheap Trick? You're usually the kind who spots stuff like that.
Oh god, loved this chapter. I have a feeling Trixie is quickly going to become my favorite character with Valiant 'teaching' her.
1763668 I sense a future story: "The Adventures of Trixie, If Her Father Was a Badass Alien"
1763687
That sounds so amazing. I'd read that religiously; and the title just rolls off the tongue.
I felt really bad for Scootaloo during the actual episode... You make everything so much funnier. You're just great.
That scene in the tent all I can think of is, Valiant stars in My Little Trixie.
I'd like to think this is the longest fanfiction i've ever read. I've got no life
The black twins for some reason remind me of agent 47 from hitman, because there so sneaky.... oh and before I forget FUCKING BERRET CAL WITH INCENDINARY ROUNDs... fuck gramar
The raising Trixie plot device is actually interesting.
How strange...
Your story is now 30% cooler. Never 20%.
Those last two lines. Perfect.
Sorry, but I really, really couldn't bring myself to read this chapter. It's not a problem with your writing, It's just that the CMC bore me to the verge of tears. I can quite confidently say that I did not watch today's episode. And I'm glad I didn't. Seriously. The mere presence of the CMC in a story makes me think twice about reading it. In my opinion, the CMC are the most repulsive, boring, obnoxious, pathetic and downright ridiculous characters I have ever seen or heard. If it were possible, I'd shove a live ANM-14 Thermite Grenade down each of their throats and watch the fireworks.
1763687Ha! Trixie the vampire slayer.
1763789 ahhh lil twixi DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW
1764152 oh god, i can see the headlines now...
THE REBORN AND NEWLY RAISED TRIXIE vs VAMPIRE CHEERILEE
...tnab, please don't write this. I dont even..
I have an insane theory about what happened to make Trixie bitchy. Of course, for this story, insane theories are more likely to be real than sane ones. Just in case it turns out to be right, in which case I don't want to spoil anything, I'll only say this much: Is Trixie a bootstrap or other time travel paradox?
I REALLY like the idea of Valient raising Trixie...., Dont let the youth spell wear off!
Other than that, just the standard screams of MOARRRR!
HELLZ YEAH!!!
I bet Princess Luna gave a dream RD involving se- *thump*
*dead*
Rainbow Dash: Eh-heh-he... Nothing to see here! Nope!
1764061
You should read it. Even though it takes place during the episode that aired today, almost all the focus is on Valient and Trixie. The CMC don't even have any lines in this chapter and are pretty much ignored.
THOSE TWINS!!!!
What is with them? I DEMAND EXPLINATIONS!!!!
Ha just great, Valient is best dad!
1764061
By my count the CMC (individually or as a group) are directly or indirectly the object of a whopping 14 sentences in this chapter, and none of them have dialogue. With 349 total sentences, that makes the CMC take up 4% of this chapter.
can valient keep trixie?
Daw... Soon she'll be making hit lists with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon at the top. Maybe even make a weapon with a little help from her 'daddy'
Heh, way things are going, my money is on Trixie wielding the Desert Eagle while Valiant is stuck with his sword.
1763651 How did I catch it? The Dream Police, they live inside of my head!
... I think. Haven't heard the song in a while... I really need to make a list of songs, albums, and bands I need to download illegally but legitimately.
THATS MY GIRL!!
Eeeyah!
Epic!
A great ending. Now what did rainbow see and what could possible happen when trixie grows up and will the eight leg thing be reversed some how? 
“So you’re some kind of dream police? That’s a cheap trick.”
soundsunlimited.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/CheapTrickDreamPol.jpg
nice one
And then, the Ponies in Ponyville say, Valient's heart grew three sizes that day!
Note the next episode is Were Rainbow dash goes to the wonderbolt academy so just a heads up,,, Oh and I was right about the magic duel wasn't I
1775603
Of course, since it was already the standard size of a healthy adult stallion, it proceeded to pulp his other organs, then break out through his sternum a la chestburster style.
1764061
Why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel?
Valiant. Hey, hey Valiant. Your feels want to talk to you.
Specifically they want you to cry your eyes out over the responsibilities of fatherhood, and at how adorable Trixie is.
reading that scene in Rarity's tent
static1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/4081379+_651e1c81fe0921d5ebab8938844fb541.gif
NOOOOooooo!! my heart! my poor poor heart!
1763651
You still have to use that one joke I made about watchers...I mean the joke you totally thought of.
1763687 better be a good story
Oh scrap.
I think the feels are infectious. 
1763687
Her father was the doctor?
I'm not even going to say anything about this chapter title.
'Worst' disaster? With nearly 12 injured? I think not.
4149975 That's the joke.
I'm beginning to wonder when Valiant is going to decide to tell the princesses about the black twins. Seriously, why doesn't he just call upon a royal Pwnfest from Celestia or the elements? *facehoof*
That's what you're concerned about?!
Aight.