A Dream

by totallynotabrony

Daring Doubt

Since I’d discovered the Saturn V in the cave, I didn’t really need the life insurance payout to buy materials to build a rocket, but there was no reason not to accept it. Apparently blackout-me had set everything up.

It might not surprise me if that had been the plan all along, getting Lemon into enough shit with me that she would eventually go along with it. That sounded like something I would do.

One thing I couldn’t figure out, though: I could pull off life insurance scams perfectly well on my own, so why do it behind my own back? Why sneak around and wipe my own memory?

Surely it wasn’t so I could pass a lie detector test because I didn’t remember what I was lying about. Twilight had called me a sociopathic pathological liar before, which felt unfair, but also indicated that I could probably fool a polygraph. I felt confident.

So I still didn’t know why I was purposely hiding things from myself. But my best guess? The plan wasn’t finished yet.

Now that I had accepted that, boy was I looking forward to seeing where this went.

In the meantime, I had to get things ready for my moonshot. Part of that was arranging good weather and a no fly zone. For that, I had to begrudgingly go see Rainbow Dash and see what she wanted for the favor.

I arrived outside her house. She probably knew I was there because of the diesel-powered B1R airship. Sure enough, the door opened as I approached.

“Valiant, I need your help!” Rainbow said, brandishing a book.

Well, this was unexpected.

“There’s this book, Daring Do and the Fallen Idol. Some guy named Groom Q. Q. Martingale wrote it and it paints Daring Do in a bad light!”

“Wait, is it one of those licensed books that are like 'A.K. Yearling’s Daring Do as written by so-and-so?'”

“No! It’s not even about Daring Do. Well, it is, but she’s the villain!”

“But it has nothing to do with A.K. Yearling.” I put my hoof to my chin. “So it’s copyright infringement. Unless they can prove parody law.”

“It’s not even funny! It’s written from Dr. Caballeron’s perspective and it only talks about her destroying temples and being mean to him! Not only that, but he claims she’s real! That’s supposed to be a secret!”

“So why did you write it in the friendship journal you published so all of Equestria could see it?”

Her face blanked. “What?”

“Did you forget? You and the girls compiled all your friendship reports and published them.”

“That’s what that was?” Rainbow shook her head. “Nevermind that, we need to stop Martingale!”

“It’s Caballeron.”

“What?”

“Think about it. A.K. Yearling is really Daring Do, and she’s writing books about her adventures. Just who do you think would write a book about smearing Daring Do?”

“See, this is why I wanted your help,” she said. “Could you...do something about him?”

I smiled, “Sure, but you’ll owe me a favor. I need perfect weather and a no-pegasus zone around the friendship school.”

“Deal.”

I went downtown to the Daring Do book signing. On the way, I stopped by the bell-shaped hair-salon (patent pending). The business seemed to be doing quite well. I hadn’t even had to buy out any competitors recently. Though, now that I was flush with insurance scam payout, I might even be able to do it with actual money.

I sidled into the bookstore and found myself standing at the end of a long line of ponies. All of them seemed to be talking at once, and many of them were holding copies of Martingale’s - Caballeron’s - book.

“I’ll pay you all five bits to get out of my way,” I announced.

It worked. Whatever tiny satisfaction they hoped to gain from berating Daring was apparently sated by enough money to buy a couple of cherries.

I swaggered up to the front table, where Daring sat in her A.K Yearling outfit. “I’m here to fix your problem.”

“The...Martingale problem?” she said. One of the reasons I respected Daring was that she was one of the smarter ponies out there and grasped the situation immediately.

“Yep. It’s actually Cabelleron.”

“That...makes a lot of sense, actually,” she said, putting a hoof to her chin. Realization caught up with her and she looked up. “But who are you?”

“Well, your father-in-law, one universe removed.” Daring opened her mouth, and I waved a hoof. “Not important. Come on, maybe you can write me into your next book.”

Caballeron had conveniently set up shop for a book signing right across the street. Boy, that sure made my job easier. We waltzed in, me shoving the crowd aside with a “Official business, please stand back.” Daring followed along in my wake.

“Groom Q. Q. Martingale?” I said as I reached the front table, addressing Caballeron, who wore a fake beard.

“Yes?” he said.

“I’m here to sue your ass off for copyright infringement. Daring Do is a trademarked character.”

“If you’d actually read my book, you’d know that Daring Do is actually real and therefore cannot be trademarked.”

“Then I’m here to sue your ass off for writing an unauthorized biography and misrepresenting it as fiction.”

“Ah, but you can’t sue me because I’m not Groom Q. Q. Martingale.” He whipped his disguise off. “If Daring Do is real, then so am I! I’m actually Doctor Caballeron himself!”

“Then I’m here to sue your ass off for property damage and assault as described in numerous novels happening between you and Daring Do which you have just admitted are real people.”

“I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today,” he called to the room. “But take a free copy of my book on the way out.”

The crowd seemed eager for that and left us alone while Caballeron invited me behind the table. “You don’t understand. My team and I were only ever interested in researching artifacts and taking them to our museum where other ponies could study them. But Daring Do always seemed to get there first with her own plans. I offered to team up with her, but she refused. She had her own ideas of where the treasures belonged.”

“Like where?”

“Have you ever noticed how many artifacts are on her shelves at home?”

“But don’t you sell things to the highest bidder?”

“Only because I had to. Since Daring Do kept taking our artifacts, our museum closed. We were desperate for money to keep it open. Plus, she destroys so many ancient sites. And kicks puppies.”

“One time! On accident!” Daring protested.

He gestured to the room, where ponies were scrambling for free books, despite the fact that most of them had brought a book there that day for him to sign. “It’s already true in the mind of the public.”

A single book by a different author upset the entire public consciousness of a series that Daring had built. Damn, ponies were gullible.

Good thing Caballeron was a pony. I nodded to Daring. She surreptitiously removed her glasses and opened her cloak to show Cabelleron who she really was, but kept her back to the room to avoid blowing her cover to the crowd.

“What!?” Caballeron gasped. “This whole time, it’s actually been-”

“Yeah, and if you don’t pay up here and now she’ll kick your ass here and now in front of all these people.”

Caballeron stammered for a few seconds, and then said, “I have a proposal. Why don’t we mount an expedition to retrieve the Truth Talisman? Then we can use it to prove whose side of the story is real?”

“I was meaning to go after that,” said Daring.

I was all for going to a remote place. If nothing else, it would make Caballeron’s body easier to dump. I grabbed my airship.

The group of us got going, soaring out over the jungle. Daring and Caballeron were keeping their distance, pretty much as far across the airship as they could get.

“So you guys have never once teamed up?” I said. “As often as you’ve come in contact, I would have thought that would have been painfully necessary at least once.”

“Didn’t you say you’d read all my books?” Daring asked.

“Well, the Daring I knew occasionally embellished or omitted things. I threatened her when she started dating my daughter that I wasn’t going to tolerate that shit anymore.”

“What is he talking about?” Caballeron asked quietly.

“No idea,” Daring replied.

“Why am I here?” said Applejack..

“We have to get the Truth Talisman from a high place, so I picked you up because I thought you and your rope would be perfect for the job.”

She nodded.

The temple appeared in the distance. It was pretty tall with a lot of steps. Airship don’t care.

Caballeron had some kind of gem that opened a solar-activated portal and we went into the temple.

Ahuizotl was there, because of course. “Daring Do, my old nemesis!”

I punched him in his creepy little face and we went on.

Applejack snared the Truth Talisman and made it look easy. She gave it to Daring, who suddenly tossed it at Caballeron.

He hastily caught it and Daring demanded, “Isn’t it true you were just smearing my reputation with that book?”

The artifact glowed. Caballeron said, “Well yes, but-”

I pulled out my obsidian knife - kind of appropriate for the temple setting - but stopped. I shook my head. “You know, I don’t know why I even bother. I knew you were a bad guy. You aren’t even good at it.”

I shook my head, sheathed the knife, and kicked him in the nuts.

The Truth Talisman went up in the air as he fell. Ahuizotl came in just then, bloody but apparently mobile, and grabbed it. “You dare to steal the Truth Talisman?! I’m in charge of protecting this jungle. If another artifact goes missing on my watch, I’m going to be in so much trouble with the other guardian creatures.”

He clamped a hand over his mouth, apparently not intending to say so much.

“Wait,” I shook my head and looked at Daring. “If that’s the truth, then that kind of makes you a bad person for stealing things.”

“Um…” she said.

I turned back to Ahuizotl. “But wait, if you’re actually a guardian, then why were you using the Rings of Scorchero to usher in eight hundred years of unrelenting heat?”

“I’m…” Ahuizotl paused and screwed his face up, but apparently couldn’t resist the magic of the talisman. “Trying to end the world because I hate my job.”

I punched him in his creepy little face again, this time knife-first because if we’re being honest I’d really been itching to kill Ahuizotl for a while now.

I turned to Daring. “You’ve got some stuff to work out. Just being the least-worst today doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.”

“But...but…” She fell to her knees, wearing the look of someone who’d just had their notion of reality shattered. Congratulations, all your adventures were for a bad cause, you’ve just realized you might not be a good person, and your chief rival was never threatening and is now even less so with crushed nuts.

“You don’t get used to it,” advised Applejack. She and I turned to walk away.

“Wait!” Daring called, getting up and rushing after me. “Please, I can’t-Daring Do can’t end like this! I get it, I hate to admit, but I get what you’re telling me. I just…” She gestured to the inside of the temple, and said in a small voice, “This is just such an unsatisfying ending. I...I feel a duty to readers.”

You know, she had a point. I thought about it for a moment. “I might have an idea.”

---

Daring lay on her back. She was strapped down tightly and couldn’t move even if she’d wanted to. Her breathing and bodily functions were regulated through tubes.

“First time?” I said.

“You know very well it’s my first time being in a spaceship!”

“Capsule, technically. This is a Saturn V.”

“I don’t care! I explore temples, not space! I want out of this!”

“Nobody gives a shit what you like, we only want to read your stories. You’re going to the moon with me.”

“I can’t-” she broke down just then. “I want to make amends, like you said. This doesn’t...I can’t see how taking off on another adventure does that. I still have to face everything.”

“Somebody once said you can’t just get on a rocket and fly away from your problems. Screw them. You totally can.”

“Um, are you ready to launch?” said Applejack’s voice on the intercom.

“Oh, right. Yeah, go ahead.”

Far down below, Applejack turned the keys and the Rocketdyne F1 engines ignited.

We were on a little bit of a time crunch. I wanted to get up to the moon and figure out where the mysterious radio signal was coming from as soon as possible. With that in mind, I skipped a lot of steps and before you knew it we were in the lander on the way down.

We came to rest upon the moon’s surface. I opened the door and dragged Daring out, both of us in space suits.

I glanced around the surface, not sure where to begin. It was the moon; there wasn’t much to see. However, far in the distance, I spotted a dark place. Curious, I headed that way.

I didn’t have any trouble carrying Daring against her will. Low-grav, you see.

By the time we got to the place with the strange dark-colored soil, she had quit struggling. I guess once the panic passes, you start to enjoy the view. I let her down and indicated what we were trying to learn.

The dark soil was crusty, as if heated or something. I realized we were on the far side now, out of view of the planet.

Spreading out, I tried to see more of the dark area. The edge seemed like a perfectly straight line. I came to a corner, still following it. There were a few more corners after that. In another few minutes, I realized what I must be looking at. The letter E.

E?

What the hell?

There was another letter nearby and we started tracing it. R. Then another E. Finally, we came to an H.

HERE?

I realized there were other letters beyond and kept walking. S...A...W

Next line. T...N...A…

Suspicion began to rise in my mind, but I kept going, walking faster. I fell to my knees as I reached the last letter, the horrifying implications crashing down on me.

VALIANT WAS HERE

Lasered onto the backside of the moon.

Oh my God.

I had no idea what it meant, but I did now know one thing for certain. Blackout me was an asshole.

I got up delicately and brushed off the moon dust. I could think about it later. Now I had to find the source of the mysterious radio signal.

Daring and I scoured the rest of the surface, but didn’t find anything. Frustrated, I eventually hacked together a direction-finding rig from the rocket’s guidance system.

It pointed me right back towards Equestria. The signal had originated from the surface, but done a moon-bounce, just like it would have from an actual satellite.

Well fine, blackout me, if you think that’s cute, wait until I crash a reentering Saturn V into it.

Author's Note:

Comments

[Lesolan - Rest In Peace]

GodDAMNIT I love this story...

[Dragon Turtle]

Before I complained that the overarching story for Valiant was taking priority to the point that the episodes were ignored. The next chapter after was "Going to Seed," where TNAB really righted that direction. But I think this chapter (coincidentally based on one of my favorite episodes this season) really takes the cake. But I suppose it's thanks to the silly, pulpy send-up nature of Daring Do. One minute we're in Fillydelphia, the next in the rain forest. So why not have Valiant kick people in the nuts and drag the protagonist into space?!

[Dragon Turtle]

Whatever tiny satisfaction they hoped to gain from berating Daring was apparently sated by enough money to buy a couple of cherries.

I love skits that illustrate how petty super-fan hate-boners super are.

derpicdn.net/img/2019/9/22/2149853/large.png

I turned back to Ahuizotl. “But wait, if you’re actually a guardian, then why were you using the Rings of Scorchero to usher in eight hundred years of unrelenting heat?”

Oh sure, when ponies get to change the weather, it's all fine and dandy!

It IS a rain forest, so you're actually SUPPOSE to be able to fill a kiddie pool with your ball sweat.