A Dream

by totallynotabrony

Triple Threat

In my efforts to kill Gabby, I had started to look for allies all over. Ember the dragon was at least the biggest potential ally I could hope for.

At least, if she wasn’t still doing her I’m-depressed-because-I’m-in-an-involuntary-symbiote-relationship thing.

Still, I could maybe send her an invitation anyway. I had to invite a lot of people to my Gabby Assassination Summit. I would have picked a different acronym, but there’s only so much you can do with a G.

I figured I should pull in Thorax. Changelings might know something about how to pull off covert stuff. Plus, the other half of the ambiguously gay duo, Sunburst, might be of help. He wasn’t as good of a magical scholar as Twilight, but he at least was willing to do magical scholarly things for me, unlike Twilight.

Spike, however, was a little unsure about the plan when I presented it to him at the library. “If the biggest dragon and the most senior remaining changeling don’t like each other, they could get into a fight. I know them both pretty well, but I can’t recommend this, Valiant! Otherwise, I would be the one responsible for a war between species that could ruin Equestria as we know it!”

I patted him on the shoulder. “It’s okay. You could do worse. I did.”

Twilight was standing nearby and gave me a dirty look. Brushing it off, I headed over to the Half Pint.

Thorax and Sunbust were already there. I wasn’t sure if Ember was going to show up. I knew she had some mobility problems being the tiny dragon partially eaten by a larger but braindead dragon.

Ember didn’t show, leaving me with just Thorax and Sunburst.

“So there’s this griffon. Her name is Gabby. She’s good at everything,” I explained to them. “And she’s going to take over the universe if we don’t stop her.”

“If she’s good at everything, is that bad for us?” Sunburst asked.

“It also means she’s good at things like enslavement and genocide,” I pointed out.

“Well, what do you expect us to do?” said Thorax. “I’m only in charge of what changelings remain because Chrysalis is gone because you killed her, and if you’re worried that Gabby is better than you, and you’re better than Chrysalis, and she was better than me, I don’t think I’ll really be able to help.”

I could see his logic, meandering as it was. However, before I could reply, a scroll popped in. I opened it and read it aloud. “Valiant, can’t make it. I wouldn’t want to come to Ponyville anyway. I had enough of bright colors and flammable substances the last time. Ember.”

“That’s...kind of a weird way to describe a town,” Sunburst commented.

“She’s used to rocks and ash. She’s a dragon; that’s probably why.”

Thorax shrugged. “I never got along very well with dragons. They’re kind of mean and territorial, even though their territory is just, well, rocks and ash.”

“That’s probably why.”

We talked a little more, but didn’t make much progress. I should have called a bigger group to deal with Gabby. I should have called people I knew might actually be able to help.

I wondered if we could put together some kind of elite fighting unit. Like maybe some kind of muscle bro force: Bulk Biceps, Whoa Nelly, all the Apples.

Eh. That would require training and stuff. That sounded like work.

You know, the really amazing thing about this whole situation was how my standards changed as I became more desperate. I was at least self-aware enough to see that. Currently, I would happily murder Gabby if given the opportunity, but was still putting a couple of things off because they sounded tedious.

Searching for rare magical artifacts sounded more fun. Unfortunately, now that Daring had been outed as a real person, acquiring those things got a little harder.

I dug out my list of possible stuff to get. There was a medallion that Tirek had given Discord. There was the rock Maud had mentioned that you could use to rule all of Equestria.

It was, uh, a short list. I was still working on it.

I left Thorax and Sunburst, exiting the pub. I passed by Fluttershy standing in her shed in the town square and generating electricity. Hmm, there was an idea. Maybe I could challenge Gabby to be the best at replacing Fluttershy. I’d have to be careful how I worded the request, though, or she might just build a proper power plant. Maybe something along the lines of “I bet you’re not the best at being a sad battery, and doing it forever.”

Maybe Fluttershy wouldn’t be so sad if Pinkie wasn’t still trying to hook up.

“I swear I’ll do it!” Pinkie threatened, holding a banana cream pie over her head as she stood outside the shed.

“That’s not really a threat, is it?” I said.

Fluttershy stood by quietly. She’d apparently managed to convince Pinkie that being a nuclear power plant also made her deaf. Pinkie, not being in the best state of mind right now, bought it.

“I know she can see me,” said Pinkie, still holding the pie and pointing it at her own face. “I swear to Valiant’s God I’ll do it, Fluttershy!”

That was a pretty serious swear. I became slightly concerned. “There’s no need to do anything drastic. Are you going to eat that?”

Pinkie ignored me. Well fine, I would go get my own banana cream pie.

I went back to my place. Sunset was hard at work on something. “There you are. I have an idea and I need help. We’ll need to go to the Rarity.”

Sounded good to me. The two of us and a body loaded up in the aircraft. Tin Mare’s processor was still out of it, so I had to fly manually again.

“What’s with the stiff?” I asked, gesturing to the corpse Sunset had brought along.

“I think I’ve developed a new process for reanimation, but it’ll probably only work for this one individual.”

I decided not to ask. I wasn’t in the mood for advanced magical shit at the moment.

Upon reaching Rarity, we unloaded. Sunset took her body and went off to do whatever she was going to do.

“What’s new?” I asked, walking over to the shore.

“Nothing,” said Rarity. “I’m the ocean.”

“Fair enough.”

“I did have an idea about what to do about Gabby, though,” she said. “What about calling for help? That seems to have worked well for you in the past.”

“Maybe,” I admitted.

Sunset returned just then, lugging the body. “I’ve got all the magic set up and ready to go. Now for the final ingredient: a ton of salt.”

She dunked the body in the ocean like a baptism, and said, “The guy who invented alicorn Twilight, you are recalled to life!”

I was too surprised to speak. I couldn’t believe we still had this guy’s body. Moreover, I’d locked out my exes and the dev team behind this world. Apparently, Sunset had found a loophole.

He sat up in the water, groaning and holding his head. Twilight had borrowed one of my guns and shot him in the face, as I recalled.

“Wow, if this guy has anything useful to say, we could have used him last week,” I said.

He looked around. “Is this Hell?”

“Depends on what you tell us,” I said. “We have a little problem. One of the NPCs is getting uppity. We’re looking for a permanent solution, if you catch my drift.”

“Trolling,” he said. “They hate that.”

“Well shit, why didn’t I think of that?” I said. “Some sarcasm intended, but still, my statement stands.”

“Good, now can I-”

Sunset pulled the Desert Eagle out of my holster and blew out his brains.

“Ew!” cried Rarity. “That’s my water you’re tainting!”

“Big deal. Fish shit in you all day every day,” I said.

“You’re always such a pragmatist,” she grumbled.

“Thank you. Since you’re here, any idea how I should go about trolling the shit out of Gabby?”

“Well, if you’ve just called up one inter-universal contact, why not another?” she said.

“Did you have anyone in mind?”

“What about your friend, that Weird Alfred?”

“Not a bad idea, but we need someone weirder. Someone more confrontational, more controversial. This is not simply a problem we can laugh away. We need advanced trolling.” I shook my head. “It’s probably moot.”

“What is?”

“You mean who.”

Sunset looked at me. “You’re not thinking…”

I sighed. “I’ve done a lot of things, but I’ve never done that. But I might have to.”

I sighed again, longer. “We’d better get going. I’m going to need to be drunk for this, if only so I won’t remember it later.”

We went back to Ponyville. Sunset set up the summoning spell. I started drinking.

A couple hours later, I walked into the town square. I was having a hard time walking in a straight line. Twilight saw me and came over. “Valiant, are you drunk?”

“Ye.”

She cocked her head. “You now, it is really weird, I usually can’t tell. I guess you must really be in the bottle today.”

“Ye.”

“What’s going on?”

“Buildin’ a hate machine.”

That got her attention and she quickened her pace to catch up with me. “Excuse me?”

I decided not to explain. It would be pretty clear soon.

We walked into the town square, where Sunset had been busy setting up the spell. She held a piece of chalk and turned as we approached. “It’s ready.”

I nodded. I put down my half-empty bottle of tequila and a can of shoe polish. I took a breath. “Do it.”

Sunset made the last mark and the spell came to life. I shouted, “Christopher Poole, I summon thee!”

It was moot.

Or it would have been, had I not gotten his answering machine.

“I’m out right now, so leave a message after the beep.”

There was a beep, and I started to say, “Mr. Poole, I need-”

“We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so do I.”

I swore.

“What do you need?” he said, cutting off the music. I could hear the grin in his voice.

“I need the best troll you’ve got,” I said.

“You’re gonna have to be more specific,” he said. “Trolling is a art.”

“An art,” said Twilight.

I shot her a glare before going back to the conversation. “The best troll you’ve got. You know who I mean.”

There was a long pause. When he spoke again, the mirth had gone out of his voice. “You don’t know what powers you aim to control.”

“I wouldn't be asking if it weren’t an emergency.”

“Well, if you’re sure, I’ll make contact for you. But you know how this works. Summonings come at a price.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

“My usual fee,” he said smugly.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I should have been even drunker, I realized. I picked up the can of shoe polish and spread a thin patch of it between my nose and upper lip. I raised a hoof. “Die Juden sind unser Unglück!”

“There it is,” he said cheerfully. “All right, you got it.”

There was a click, as if a call had been transferred. Modem sounds began.

“What happens now?” Twilight asked, worriedly.

“We’re all going to Hell,” I muttered, taking a swig of tequila. I had an uneasy feeling that you don’t know what powers you aim to control would turn out to be too real a prediction.

The modem noises continued. I shifted where I sat, mentally preparing for what came next. Sunset gave me a supportive look. I appreciated it.

We kept hearing the screech of the modem. I checked my watch. It had been like three minutes now. God, this was annoy-

I shook my head. Save it for when it mattered.

Suddenly, a female voice spoke up. I could practically hear the eyeliner in her voice. “Hi, my name is Boxxy.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m calling you because-”

“So, um, I don’t like do these things that often or like at all, so, um, yeah, if you could just take a step back and totally not make things like that-”

I broke in. I had to, or we wouldn’t get anywhere. “Sorry to contact you out of the blue like this, but we have a serious problem in this universe and I hope I could-

“Um, so, yeah, I really like my own universe, and yeah, it’s not like yours because of all the stuff and the things, and, um you’ve got stuff-”

I tried to speed up my words to cram in more before I got interrupted again. “Stuff like Gabby griffon who will end this universe if she gets a chance and I need-”

“It’s like, I totally don’t do wars and stuff because, um, like, it’s bad, and, so yeah, so, yeah, so, um, yeah.”

“But I only need you to do what you do and make her-”

“But you see, it’s like, um, complicated and stuff, and I don’t do just everything, so yeah, and um-”

“Listen! I need your help to save countless lives and this whole universe! All you have to do-

“Do you like kittens? They’re, like, so fluffy and Oh! I could just squee they’re just so, yeah, and it’s Caturday-”

“Stop it! Listen to me! I need-”

“But, um, that’s totally your problem, so like, yeah. Kthxbai!”

Click.

I slammed my hoof into the pavement so hard I cracked four cobblestones.

“Ffffffffffourchan,” I hissed. I could practically feel the blood standing out in veins on my temples.

Seemingly unrelated, I heard a splat somewhere nearby. Even with teeth still clenched in rage, I decided it would be a good idea to at least see what that was all about.

I looked across the town square. Pinkie was lying on the ground near the shed.

“She self-pied!” someone shrieked.

Twilight hurried over, Sunset and I just behind her. The scene immediately took my mind off what had just happened. Pinkie lay where she had fallen. The pie pan rested beside her. There was so much blood.

I knelt. Pinkie’s eyes flicked briefly. I could just barely see a sliver of her eyes between the lids.

“Valiant…” she whispered.

“What is it?” I leaned close.

“What’s that thing on your lip?”

I hastily wiped at the shoe polish. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

Compared to the state Pinkie was in, it really was nothing. A crowd had already gathered.

The ambulance showed up. We let them take Pinkie. She needed it.

Twilight looked shocked, too surprised to even ask questions, which for Twilight was pretty damn surprised.

“Is she going to be all right?” said Fluttershy hesitantly.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “But you’d better be prepared for the possibility that she is.”

I looked across the town square again. A sudden melancholy overtook me. There was nothing left in the tequila bottle. My latest attempt at stopping Gabby had failed. Pinkie had been driven to do whatever it was that she had done.

I sighed. “I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.”

“What is?” said Twilight.

“It. All of it. This universe. Maybe I should just cut my losses and find another one.”

“And just leave us to deal with Gabby without you?” she said.

“Yeah. Then it wouldn’t be my problem.”

She grabbed my shoulder and turned me. “Don’t even think about it! You’ve built too much here! And that’s not even considering the rest of us. You’re trying to be a nice guy? Then you owe it to us. Anything else would be dereliction of duty.”

“I’d vote for that,” I said.

She glared at me. “Don’t cheapen the moment making a pun out of ‘dereliction.’ I know you know what it means.”

“You know I know that it annoys you.”

“I thought you were trying to be a nice guy.”

“Malaprop is hardly the worst thing I’ve ever done to you.”

Twilight sighed deeply, in the you’re-right-and-also-an-asshole,-Valiant kind of way that she had perfected. “At least take off that ridiculous fake mustache.”

I stamped my hoof. “I didn’t even put it on voluntarily! I would have had it off immediately, but shit just kept happening between then and now!”

I grumbled and headed back for my place, head down and hooves moving quickly.

This had not been a good day. On the scale from “good” to “forced to dress like Hitler,” well, I think you can guess what kind of day it had been.

Comments

[totallynotabrony]

Some of you may remember back in April when I teased the moot point.

[Sidetrack]

screw boxxy. summon the pepes.

[dragonstj]

Use Cordoba more. She's underused. plz. She kewl. If you dont use her more, I will steal your OC to write an actual book, not a shitty fanfic.

[frostfiresnow]

“Wow, if this guy has anything useful to say, we could have used him last week,” I said.

you just had to do it, didn't you?
You could of kept him alive for...reasons like un-liquifying Rarity or use him as bait for gabby.

[totallynotabrony]

8392128
There's a very specific reason we haven't seen Cordoba in a while.

[dragonstj]

8392313
o... ok

[General Grant]

Nice try Valiant. If anything could've defeated Gabby through trolling, it would be 4chan. Unfortunately you forgot about Internet rule #6, /b/ is not your own personal army.

[Coffee Toffee]

This chapter reminds me of a song...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

[Amos Anon]

“It also means she’s good at things like enslavement and genocide,” I pointed out.

Hmm... maybe she's the best at dying?