A Dream

by totallynotabrony

What About Discord?

We’d really gotten lucky this week. Two holidays in a row leading directly into a three-day weekend. Granted, I worked for no one so it was kind of like every day was a day off, but still.

The worst part of all that was the advancing army that was totally boogering up our plans and ruining a perfect three day weekend.

Looking at the tactical maps I had posted to the walls of the back room in the pub, the army was pushing south out of the former Crystal Empire and encountering little resistance along the way.

That wasn’t surprising because they weren’t going through many cities along the way. The Royal Guard was posted at the perimeter of Canterlot, but it would be unwise for the Guards to attack and leave the city undefended.

That left us. Which was good, because the thousands of ponies coming our direction were, well, coming our direction.

“Why are they coming here?” Twilight asked, reviewing the maps with dismay.

I explained, “I mean, it’s not exactly a secret that we collectively are the greatest fighting force in Equestria and that we all live in Ponyville. Frankly, they’d be foolish not to make attacking us their first priority.”

“Based on satellite scans, they’ll be here tomorrow,” Sunset provided.

“So we should get defenses ready here and start doing long range strikes to wear them down,” I added. “This might be difficult. They might be weird equals-sign cutie mark ponies, but they still have their full intelligence. They aren’t zombies or meth heads like we’ve faced in the past. There are also thousands of them compared to-” I looked around the room, counting the girls, Sunset, Cordoba, Maud, Limestone, and Guinness “-the dozen of us.”

They didn’t take it all that well. I went on before any emotional outburst could ruin the moment. “All right, we’ve got six tanks. Maud and Limestone can dig fighting revetments for them outside of town. I know the rest of you haven’t been practicing with the tanks like I’ve been telling you to, so I’ll have to hold a remedial training session. I’m honestly starting to think it would have been better to construct another batch of fighting robots. But I considered the R&D of Tin Mare’s AI a priority. Plus family stuff.” I shook my head. “Yeah, look at me, being sentimental. And look where it gets me, an inferior army.”

“But I’ll shank more bitches to make up for it,” said Sunset.

I smiled. “That means a lot.” Turning back to the others, I said, “Okay, so if I’m doing tank training, I’ll need someone to assist Tin Mare with targeting. That’s you, Guinness. I need you to be a forward air controller.”

“I don’t know anything about that!” he protested.

I tossed him an earpiece and a laser pointer. “Whatever. Go mark targets. Tin Mare will tell you what you need to know.”

He grumbled a little. Rainbow broke in. “Hang on, who’s going to take care of Skyla while I’m being a badass and saving Equestria?”

“Well, why don’t you? Wouldn’t you rather have your child protected inside an armored vehicle with her mother instead of being the field getting shot at with her father?”

Guinness suddenly got up and threw on a pair of sunglasses. “He’s right. Sorry babe, I’ve got to go save the world.” He went out the door.

I glanced at Limestone. She gave me a subtle nod. I’d told her to dose Guinness with some of her crack before the meeting. Otherwise, I knew he was too straight laced to let irresponsible Rainbow take care of their kid. I hated to do it, but war is hell.

“Or we could leave Skyla with the Cakes,” suggested Pinkie.

“Uh, yeah, let’s do that,” said Rainbow.

Sunset and Cordoba left to go make preparations of their own. I’d fashioned a child-sized cutlass for Cordoba and she seemed eager for a chance to try it out.

That left me with the girls and their tanks. We knew Twilight and Rarity possessed the magic to work all the crew stations all by themselves. Applejack could do it with her duplicates. Rainbow and Pinkie were both fast enough to do everything at once.

Fluttershy was the problem. Her Discord-ness allowed her to change into a unicorn, but she wasn’t practiced enough with magic to operate the tank effectively. In addition, maybe the gunpowder would make her sneeze and change to a different race. She had started carrying around a little pouch of pepper to snort if she needed to sneeze, but that would be terrible if she kept having to change back in the middle of battle.

But with the fate of Equestria on the line, I convinced her to put her misgivings aside for the moment and get some help. Daisy, Lilly, and Rose certainly didn’t mind helping their master, even if Fluttershy did.

Outside town, I sat on a hill and watched the tanks in the meadow below. “All right now, pirouette.”

“Why are we doing this?” Applejack asked through the communicator.

“Because reasons.” Like how the tank treads were creating artwork by tearing up the grass.

“Are you making a picture or something by precisely directing where we go?” asked Twilight.

“Hey,” called a voice from above me. “Why are you drawing a self portrait with mechanical machines in a perfectly good field of grass?”

I looked up. It was the Wonderbolts. “So what if I am?”

“I’ve heard a lot of stories about you,” said Firefly. “And that thing that dropped that other thing on me because you ordered it? Not cool.”

“Well, your face isn’t cool,” I said.

The other Wonderbolts “ooohed.”

“Shut up!” retorted Firefly. “And for entirely unrelated reasons, I have this mask!”

She put it on and flew a little higher, beginning to circle.

Wind Rider, the leader of the reconstituted Wonderbolts, frowned. “What are you doing, Firefly?” The other Wonderbolts also expressed some concern.

Firefly had built up enough speed that water vaper was starting to condense from the low pressure. It was like creating her own cloud. She put a final twist on it and stomped on the top.

Four bolts of lightning struck the ground, a pony appearing with each flash. Firefly landed beside them. All were pink, mask-wearing mares. The new four had purple manes. Firefly’s was blue, but that was pretty close.

“Okay, I have to admit, that was a pretty cool entrance,” I said.

“We’re here to end you,” said masked mare number one.

“Yeah, I figured. I kind of suspected you guys were putting together some sort of supervillain team.”

“Wait, what?” said Wind Rider.

“Yeah, I used the Wonderbolts as cover for my activities,” said Firefly.

“Hey!” shouted Lightning Dust.

“So were you the one who stole from the castle treasure room?” I asked Firefly.

She nodded. “It totally got Rainbow out of the picture and I got some sweet new swag to finance our operations.” She gestured at the other mask-wearing mares.

“So what’s the deal with all of you?” I asked. You’ve got the color scheme down, well, except for Firefly.”

She covered her face, slightly ironic because she was already wearing a mask. “It was my one failing. I’m not perfectly colored the same as the others.”

“So are you trying to get everyone to be the exact same?” I looked at the one I thought was Starlight Glimmer. “Taking that whole equals-sign cutie mark thing to the next level.”

“It’s the new way forward,” she said. She may have sneered. Hard to tell when she was wearing a mask to hide the fact that her face had been melted off.

“So I suppose that makes you the five – well, if Firefly doesn’t quite match the color scheme it’s not quite five, more like four or four and a half, yeah that sounds right – the Four and a Half Horses of the Apocalypse. Could be abbreviated FHHA.”

“Shut up,” replied the one I thought was Spoiled Rich. “You don’t get to name us.”

“Now, now, don’t get your panties in a bunch.”

“We’re ponies, we don’t wear panties,” retorted the one that was probably Suri Polomare.

“So this little enterprise you put together, I recognize a few of you, but who’s this?” I pointed to the one that wasn’t Firefly, Starlight Glimmer, Spoiled Rich, or Suri Polomare.

The one I pointed at responded by rattling at me. My eyes opened wide. “Twi-minator.”

It made a lot of sense, really. The faded Twilight Sparkle colors had lightened to pink and purple, and the thing needed a mask to hide the fact that its face was coming off. Also, we’d seen building evidence that it was evil, or at least out to get me.

“So now you finally know who will be the author of your undoing,” said Starlight. “You just couldn’t leave well enough alone. You thought it was okay to be an individual. And we’re not going to let you get away with it.”

“Pardon me, but I’m not going to let you get away with being such Communists,” I said. “And I’m also kind of pissed that you have the nerve to still pretend to be in the right here.”

“What about all the times you’ve hurt ponies or spied on them with your huge network?” Starlight shot back.

“That’s why I know I’m in the right. I know everything. And while we’ve been talking, I’ve been surrounding this hill with armored vehicles.”

“About that,” said Applejack in my communicator. “If you wanted us to do some maneuver you should have clearly said so instead of just talking and hoping we’d take the hint.”

“And since I ordered six tanks to surround the hill they should be arriving any second now,” I said.

“Well, why should we?” said Twilight through the communicator.

Still trying to conceal the fact that I was having a covert conversation, I pointed at the FHHA. “If anyone wanted to take over Equestria and make everyone the same by stripping them of their cutie marks, it would be the Four and a Half Horses of the Apocalypse who have come to Ponyville as is tradition for villians.”

“You could have just said so,” remarked Rarity. At least I finally heard the sounds of engines moving.

“You think you can just surround us?” Starlight sneered. Again, I used my imagination for her expressions. “We didn’t create an army and invade Equestria by being surroundable.”

“Well, your army isn’t here,” I pointed out. “And now you’re pretty surrounded.”

All six tanks crested the hill just then. I imagined Starlight looked surprised.

Just then, Limestone and Braeburn appeared. She wore her usual look of scorn and he seemed worried.

“Valiant, where is Tin Mare?” Braeburn asked.

“I’m kind of in the middle of something,” I pointed out. “Like, really potentially world-rending stuff.”

“I’m just worried about her,” he said. “I heard there’s a war and that she’s fighting in it. I found Limestone and got her to bring me to you.”

“I wanted to see where you were because I thought there might be ponies to fight,” said Limestone. She glanced at the five masked mares. “Looks like I was right.”

“Yeah, Braeburn, Tin Mare is off fighting the war. That’s literally what she was built for. She’s good at it. Why are you worried?”

“I just…” He shook his head. “Never mind.”

He walked away and I turned back to where Limestone was staring down the FHHA, who were nervously staring at the tanks. Again I had to imagine the nervous expressions.

“Anyway, back to business. I believe we were in the middle of stopping you all,” I said.

Starlight looked at me. “You really thought we’d come here and let you stop us?”

I held up a hoof. “I mean, yeah, I kind of did. I am sort of God around here.”

“Well, I bet you didn’t plan for this!” Starlight lit up her horn and they all vanished in a flash.

I frowned. No I hadn’t. At least I quickly came up with a pretty good comeback line. “Cowardly running away? I guess I’m more intimidating than I thought.”

“What just happened?” said Wind Rider.

Rainbow peeped out of her tank, but managed to keep her rampant fangirling to herself. Firefly had just admitted that she’d been the one to actually do the crime, but I wasn’t about to let Rainbow know.

“So, we’re in the middle of a fight with an army of ponies who want to take over Equestria and remove everyone’s cutie mark,” I said.

“You called them ‘Communists?’” said Lightning Dust.

“It’s an easier way to say ‘an army of ponies who want to take over Equestria and remove everyone’s cutie mark.’”

I turned to Limestone. “How are the fighting positions for the tanks going?”

“How should I know?” she said. “I’m not there.”

“What about Maud?”

“I’ve been with Rarity,” said Maud, coming out the hatch on Rarity’s tank. “Dirt by itself isn’t very interesting. She’s a lot more interesting than dirt.”

Rarity made a grumbling noise.

“So we don’t have anywhere safe to park the tanks to wait for the invasion?” I said. “Great. So we might as well just go meet them head-on.”

“That sounds like a terrible idea,” Rainbow protested. “Worse than that time Guinness bought me engagement ring that was sized to fit a horn.”

“What now?” I said.

“It happened while you were in space,” said Twilight. “We sometimes joke about it. It was funnier if you were there.”

“A joke I don’t get? Funnier if I was there?” I shook my head. “Since when have you guys had inside jokes? I didn’t think you were that cool.”

“We’re that cool!” Twilight protested.

“Yeah right. Well, I have inside jokes too.” I tapped my earpiece. “Hey Guinness, what's the difference between OJ Simpson and Colonel Sanders?”

“I’m a little busy right now,” he replied testily. I heard explosions in the background.

“Fine, I’ll tell you. Colonel Sanders cuts his chicks up before he batters them.” I laughed.

“I have lots of inside jokes!” said Pinkie. She grinned. “Mostly inside Fluttershy.”

Sometimes I think Pinkie really takes the “the” out of psychotherapist.

“Anyway, we should probably get going if we’re going to engage this army,” I said. “Come on.”

A few of the girls looked a little indignant, but dutifully followed me in their tanks. Limestone and I caught a ride on the fenders of Applejack’s, which led the column.

“So, war,” said Wind Rider, flying alongside.

“Shove off,” I said. “Air power never won a war without boots on the ground.”

“Um, isn’t that what Tin Mare is for?” Fluttershy contributed mildly.

“No, she’s a completely dominant force,” I said. “So advanced that there’s nothing that can touch her. Unlike these stunt pegasi.”

“Well, if that’s how you feel.” Wind Rider and the Wonderbolts flew off in a huff.

Under my direction, the tanks paraded through Ponyville. I wanted to stop and pick up Sunset, Trixie, and Cordoba.

I spotted the mysterious grey tank hanging around. It seemed to be having a conversation with an anthropomorphic red miasma. Strange.

But I had other things on my mind. We stopped at my place. The portable command and control gear was already packed up and Sunset lifted it up to me.

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to run our ops out of here,” I said to Applejack. “Tell your meat puppets not to touch anything.”

She muttered something under her breath, but let me set up the equipment to communicate with Tin Mare and download satellite feeds.

Sunset joined Twilight in her tank. Trixie went with Pinkie. I assigned Limestone to Rainbow. I could only imagine what two personalities like that would do when cooped up together, and I couldn’t wait to find out. Rarity already had Maud with her, so I sent Cordoba to ride with Fluttershy.

We got going again. I did a radio check. Riding off into battle, it seemed like it was time for some motivation.

“None of you are strangers to combat,” I began. “Feels like I’ve given this speech before, but it’s true. We’ve all kicked a lot of ass together.”

I paused. “We’re facing a challenge now stronger than anything we’ve ever dealt with before. Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but there’s still thousands of Commies out there that would like nothing more than to assimilate you.”

“I didn’t think they were really Communist,” said Rarity.

“We really needed something that was shorter and easier to say than ‘equals-sign cutie mark ponies.’”

There was a general murmur of agreement.

“So, onward we quest and in front of us lies gratuitous amounts of bad guys in need of a beating. We’re going to kill those Commie bastards and use their guts to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to go through the enemy like shit though a goose.”

“I don’t think intestines make very good lubricant,” Twilight commented.

“What has the goose been eating?” asked Fluttershy.

“That’s not…” I shook my head, but before I could speak again, I heard Braeburn hailing us. Applejack stopped her tank.

I stuck my head out. “What do you want?”

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“We’re going to the front lines. Tin Mare and Guinness are already out there, doing a little softening so we should be able to just roll up and lay the smack down.”

“I want to go,” he said.

I looked him up and down. “All right. Hop in.”

He joined me, Applejack, the equipment, and AJ’s meat puppets in the tank.

“Anyway, as I was saying, we’re going to go be badass now.”

We drove out of town. I was thinking about what I was going to say when I killed Starlight Glimmer. “Better dead than red” seemed nice, but she was pink. Eh, close enough.

So we went to war. And good times were had by me, which is all that matters.

Comments

[Frost Bear]

IT'S NOT PINK! It's light red!

[Lithl]

Dirt by itself isn’t very interesting. She’s a lot more interesting than dirt.

Reminds me of Mutually Earthblind.

[Trevor12300]

6644716 *clears throat* It's actually beige.

[djthomp]

So far this is a much better use of the chapter title than the actual episode.

Also, we’d seen building evidence that it was evil, or at least out to get me.

I dunno, if anything that might be evidence against it being evil.

Sometimes I think Pinkie really takes the “the” out of psychotherapist.

Yeah, that ain't wrong.