Feeling Pinkie Keen
For some strange reason, Rarity had neglected to make Spike an outfit for the Grand Galloping Gala. Twilight offered to help.
She had me stand with my awesome tuxedo to act as a model as she attempted transfigure some random objects into a smart-looking suit for Spike.
I was somewhat distracted by the sight of Pinkie Pie dashing around from one piece of cover to the other. She was wearing her strange umbrella hat.
“Pinkie Pie? What in the wide-wide-world of Equestria are you up to?” Twilight asked.
“Oh! It's my tail! It's my tail! It's a-twitch a-twitchin'! And you know what that means!”
“Actually, Pinkie, I haven't the slightest idea.”
“The twichin' means my Pinkie Sense is telling me that stuff's gonna start falling! You should better duck for cover.”
Twilight laughed. “Oh, Pinkie, it's not gonna rain. Why there's barely even a cloud in the—” she was interrupted by a frog to the face.
“Oh, I'm so, so sorry,” said Fluttershy from overhead. “Are you okay, Twilight?”
“Why are you carrying a basket of frogs?” I asked.
“The pond’s getting overpopulated, and I’m flying some of these frogs over to Froggy Bottom Bog.”
“Wow! That was amazing!” said Spike. “Pinkie Pie predicted something would fall, and it did!”
“Oh, come on. She said that something would fall, and a frog just happened to fall right around the same time. A coincidence, nothing else to it,” said Twilight. We began walking away.
“My tail! My tail!” shrieked Pinkie. “Twitch-a-twitch! Twitch-a-twitch! Somethin' else is gonna fall!”
“Oh, Pinkie, please.”
“Uh, Twilight?” I said.
“What, Val-aaah!” She turned to look at me and missed a step, tumbling into a ditch.
Applejack came walking up. “Twilight, what are you doin’ in that ditch?”
“Pinkie predicted it,” said Spike.
“Come on, I don’t think a twitchy tail has anything to do with this.”
“Uh, twitchy tail? Pinkie Sense?” said Applejack, looking worried. She started to run.
“Don’t worry, it’s safe,” said Spike. “The prediction already came true.”
“Whew.”
“Don’t tell me you actually believe that,” said Twilight.
“Ah know it don't make much sense, but those of us who have been in Ponyville a while, have learned over time that, if Pinkie's-a-twichin', you better listen.”
Just then, Pinkie came bouncing back up. “My ears are flopping!”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ll start a bath for you, Twilight.”
“This is ridicu—”
A hay wagon went by, showering her with mud. I think I was more shocked than Twilight. If I was going to eliminate Pinkie like I planned, things might be more difficult than I thought. This “Pinkie Sense” was something I needed to know more about.
While Twilight took a bath, I worked on AJAX-FF. The robot was almost ready to kick some ass, but now I was worried. Perhaps I had set a larger task for myself than I had originally planned. Twilight was arguably the most powerful unicorn in the area, Rainbow would not be easy to catch, and now Pinkie was psychic. I would need some serious firepower.
Twilight and Pinkie came walking back, discussing her Pinkie Sense. Twilight wanted to hook her up to some scientific equipment and observe. I decided that I should be there.
Nothing happened for a while. Twilight got frustrated and let Pinkie go. With no results from the machine, she decided to observe Pinkie from a distance.
I helped her make a ghillie suit to better blend into the bushes. We crept around in the bushes for a while but got no data. Well, perhaps Twilight learned that “itchy nose” means “attack by bees.” I got bored and left before then, heading back to the library tree.
I wondered how I could kill Pinkie. No dropping things on her, obviously. I hoped I could get my hooves on whatever information that Twilight managed to collect.
Spike ran in while I was drawing up plans for a Tesla coil weapon. It would take a lot of electricity, but I doubted Pinkie had a twitch for that.
“Pinkie predicted ‘a doozy’. It’s happening at Froggy Bottom Bog!”
“Isn’t that where Fluttershy went?”
“Right!”
“Well, I guess we better go.”
Spike climbed into the AJAX with me and we set off as quickly as possible.
“I hope Fluttershy is okay,” said Spike.
“So you don’t have any idea what ‘a doozy’ means?”
“No. What if…” his eyes went wide “…she exploded!”
“I don’t think that’s likely.”
We made it to the Bog at the same time the other ponies did. Fluttershy seemed to be okay.
“I’m so glad everything’s all right,” said Pinkie.
“Sorry, I know it's not nice to gloat but I told you there was nothing to worry about and I was right. Pinkie Pie said—”
“Uh, Twilght?” I broke in. A large, exceedingly ugly creature with four heads had reared up out of the swamp.
“Not now, Valiant. As I was saying…”
“Spike, press that big red button.”
He looked at me, surprised. Not as surprised as he was by the hydra that had just showed up, but he clearly hadn’t been expecting me to tell him to press the red button.
“I thought you warned me not to do that last week.”
“Yes, but that was under normal operating conditions. Shit is about to get really real, so for the love of God press that button right now.”
Spike slammed his fist down on it. Ordinarily, the hydraulic system was downgraded in pressure so it would hold up. With the safeties disabled, everything went to full power.
Slapping my sunglasses on for extra cool, I kicked off and the AJAX flew into the air. I punched the hydra in one of its faces, crushing the skull in. As gravity carried the machine back down, I managed to grab one of the other necks with the robot’s steel appendages. It tore up the skin and crushed the windpipe, also slowing down our fall so we landed in the bog with a light splash.
I punched forward again at the base of the third neck and heard two cracks. It took me a moment to realize that one of them was AJAX’s arm.
The fourth head glared down at us. Spike fainted. Then the main hydraulics failed and the machine tumbled backwards into the bog.
The water came rushing in. I grabbed Spike and threw him onto shore. I hoped he wasn’t hurt, but at least he wouldn’t drown.
After that, this big toothy mouth swallowed me whole. It was dark inside, but I happily remained unchewed. After a quick trip down the esophagus, I ended up in what I figured what the stomach. Somewhere along the way, my sunglasses got broken.
“This is bad, this is so bad.” I felt around, finding what seemed to be the remains of a couple of animals. I also came up with half my sunglasses, a broken lens still clinging to the frame.
Suddenly, an idea struck, and I scratched the sharp glass across the wall of the stomach. I felt liquid gushing out, so I must be heading in the right direction. A few more swipes, and I felt the thick scaly hide from the inside. Scratching desperately, the skin suddenly parted and I pushed through into the light, my tuxedo covered in blood, parts of dead animals, and stomach acid.
Luckily, the bog was right there, and I fell into it. The murky water was not my first choice for a bath, but it would do. I surfaced, breathing hard. The Hydra was screeching and bleeding to death.
Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy stood there with their mouths hanging open. I stumbled out of the bog and fell to my knees, still gulping air. My mouth was scraped from holding the broken sunglasses, but other than that I seemed to be fine.
Applejack was the first to recover. “Valiant…what…”
“Did you see that shit?” I shouted. “I don’t even believe it. Some doozy, huh?”
Twilight managed to put together a complete thought. “Well, I definitely believe in the Pinkie Sense now. I don’t know how, but it obviously works.”
“Oh, that was actually the doozy!” said Pinkie brightly. “I knew it was something that you’d never expect to happen, and that was it! You believe! Oh what a doozy of a doozy it was!”
“Are you kidding me?” I said.
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I would have expected the ponies, fluttershy especially, to have flipper their shit when they saw valiant actually kill something, especially in the way he did.
Once again, I hope valiant goes through with his death threats... That would be hilarious.
That was awesome!
Oh that Valiant! I just realized that he's stopped the Aesop before it ever happens every time he's nearby!
422048 ..... Aesop? Meaning?
477189 The "Moral of the story". I never noticed this until Curious pointed it out, but he always gets the last word in right before someone outright states whatever lesson was learned in the episode...
And the hydra has fallen fatality
Human-turned pony belly burst!
Valiant is a Chestburster!
Looks like the hydra's just been *puts on sunglasses* Chestbreached.
Anyone who gets that reference, you deserve a Goo Goo Bar.
was what the robot thing looked like ever said?
311833 You are one sick bastard...........
So, has robo-suit version 2 been lost?
Too bad he wasnt missing a horseshoe.
3930309 yes
>>>I wondered how I could kill Pinkie. No dropping things on her, obviously. >>>
He's actively planning premeditated murder...
Clearly he's gone grade-A psycho and must be eliminated at once, as natural selection demands.
>>>Suddenly, an idea struck, and I scratched the sharp glass across the wall of the stomach. I felt liquid gushing out,>>>
Ok, I'm 15 chapters in, finding this whole thing increasingly absurd, regurgitated episode info... especially that this dimwitted human can actually build a functioning giant steampunk robot when he's supposedly from our Earth and isn't even smart enough to realize this isn't all a dream, and is plotting to assassinate their leader and kill a number of other ponies... and then this happens.
I truly cannot fathom why this has so many likes.
4284741 So bad it's good. At least, that's why I like it. It's not so terrible that it's unreadable, and Valiant's antics are fucking hilarious even if they don't make sense. It's stupid, pointless, and I can't stop laughing.
Plus, NINJA S-wait, spoiler. Shit. Erm.
MECHA. FIGHTING. A HYDRA. How can you NOT like something like that?!
you know, it's refreshing to see a self insert who's just kinda in the background doing their own thing most of the time, whether or not it's relevant to anything. Too many of them try to be the hero.
Yeah he has a few awesome moments, but he doesn't really change... well... anything. he's just there.
4800558 Yeah...that's not always going to be the case.
We must intervene more
We only need the flamethrower option with Spike in the suit now!
I love how this chapter... Well I love all of it, it's an awesome twist on the original, without being out of character.
7106805
We're going to need an anti-air gun.
Actually, with Pinkie in the mix, probably anti-tank as well.
Fuck it. you can't block it if you don't see it coming.
BACK-MOUNTED SMALL-BORE ARTILLERY!