• Published 2nd Mar 2012
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A Dream - totallynotabrony



A not so standard human-in-Equestria story including but not limited to: democracy, tequila, and robots.

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Sweet and Elite

I was engaged in a starting contest with Rarity’s cat, Opal. Fortunately, she couldn’t tell if I was blinking or not. I love sunglasses.

We were at a small restaurant in Canterlot. Rarity had wanted to make a special trip to get some fabric. We hadn’t yet managed to figure out a way of getting at Prince Blueblood, which was a disappointment. I could even see the castle from where I sat.

A well-to-do pair of ponies came walking over.

“Please excuse our interruption. I'm Jet Set and this is my wife Upper Crust. We saw you from across the café.”

“Where did you get that simply marvelous chapeau?” asked the other pony. Both of them spoke like they were trying to sound haughty. Up until that moment, I didn’t know there was anyone who did it better than Rarity.

“Oh, this old thing? It's just something I—”

“Hey Rarity! It's me, Hayseed Turniptruck! We met at the big hoedown in Ponyville last month.”

“I don’t believe you,” I said, standing up. “No mother would name their kid something stupid like that. Furthermore, you’re ugly.” I turned him around and gave a shove.

“Oh my, a mare with her own security detail?” said Jet Set. “You must be very important.”

“You’re about to find out how important,” I said. “Back off.”

“Oh no, Valiant, don’t…”

“I’m terribly sorry to have disturbed you, miss.” said Jet Set. “If there’s any way I can make it up to you, please don’t hesitate to ask.” He laid his card on the table and departed with his wife.

Rarity shook her head. “I don’t understand how you intimidating ponies always seems to work out in the end.”

We walked back to the castle, where we were staying. Despite being on good terms with Celestia, I doubted that she would be okay with me trying to stake her nephew, so I kept it to myself. I planned to sneak out at night and see what I could find.

“Twilight’s birthday is coming up,” said Rarity. “I’m going to make her a fabulous outfit.” She made a few quick sketches. It looked a little too fabulous to me, but then what did I know about fashion?

Rarity made a list of things she would need and then dragged me back out of the castle to go shopping. Sequins, lace, and bolts of fabric. She got me to help carry it back.

“I have to get started right away. This new design is very ambitious, and I've already written to Twilight to let her know she'll have something beyond fabulous to wear—” Not paying attention, she ran into a stallion walking down the street and dropped everything she was carrying.

“Oh, I’m so sorry…Fancypants!” He was apparently important if Rarity knew him on sight.

The stallion appeared to have money. From his clothes to the sharp monocle he wore, everything about him said “rich bastard.”

There was a thin mare with him who looked very made-up. She helped him dust his jacket off.

“I say, that’s one way to make an introduction,” remarked Fancypants.

“Oh goodness, I am so sorry. I didn't see you there, I've just got so many bags and I was trying to get back to my suite at the castle and—”

“You’re staying at the castle?” he interrupted.

“The Princess invited me to stay in one of the suites.”

“You know the princess?” I could already see where this was going.

“That’s about enough,” I said. “Shove off, moneybags.”

“No, Valiant, it’s quite all right,” said Rarity. She smiled apologetically. “My security is very tight.”

“Well, you are obviously somepony worth bumping into!” said Fancypants. He and Rarity began talking, and neither appeared to care that I was still there.

I was left alone with Fancypant’s companion. “Hello,” she said. “I’m Fleur de Lis.”

“That’s nice.” Something about her style and appearance suggested to me that she was some kind of model.

“So you do security work?”

“I also build robots.”

She laughed, daintily. “That’s fascinating. I saw that picture of the three fillies from Ponyville with their robot.”

“Allow me to monologue.” I cleared my throat. “I’m an engineer. That means I solve problems. Not problems like 'what is beauty?' because that would fall between the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems. For instance, how am I going to stop some big mean motherhubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer: robots. That one you saw a picture of was designed by me, built by me, and you best hope not pointed at you.”

After an appropriate pause, she said, “Wow. So that was your robot?”

“That’s right. Photo Finish only took a picture of it because I wouldn’t let her take one of me.”

Fleur smiled. “I think I’d like to get to know you better.”

“Sorry, I don’t do bestiality.”

She frowned so hard I thought her face was going to come loose of her skull.

“See you there, Rarity!” called Fancypants. He dragged the stunned Fleur away.

“Oh, that was wonderful!” exclaimed Rarity as we walked on. “He invited me to the Wonderbolts Derby.”

“Sounds fun. Have fun. I’m not going.”

“Why not? I owe you.”

“I hate rich people.”

“Rich ponies?”

“Same difference.” I went back to the castle to plot. Plotting made me feel better. Sometimes I plotted how I was going to kill Blueblood. Sometimes I plotted how I was going to become an oil baron. Mostly I just plotted. Dat plot.

I was a little surprised to see a couple of familiar faces from Ponyville show up. Twilight’s birthday party had been moved to the castle.

“Where did you find the time to put up all these decorations?” asked Rarity, staring at the ballroom.

“Oh, I never leave home without my party cannon,” said Pinkie.

“What? Have you been holding out on me? You mean to say that you had a cannon this whole time?” I stammered.

“Duh.” She fired it, spraying confetti and streamers everywhere. “Tada!”

Twilight’s party started. The dress that Rarity had made for her displayed a significant lack of the fabulosity I had seen on the initial sketch.

I noticed Rarity ducking back and forth between the ballroom and a garden party that had been setup next door. I recognized a few high-class ponies there.

As the evening wore on, Rarity appeared to be loosing her cool. Not only was the stress of two parties getting to her, but I hadn’t seen her eat any small creatures lately.

When she came back to Twilight’s party with a croquet mallet in her mouth, her friends finally noticed something was up. Through creative truth-telling, Rarity managed to convince them that it was a business deal.

“Cool, we should teach them how to party Ponyville-style!” said Rainbow.

Rarity looked horrified. I coughed. “Even I can see that this is a bad idea.”

“Ah’m sure it’ll be a good time,” said Applejack.

“Well, all right. But only if Pinkie brings the cannon.”

“Why wouldn’t I bring the cannon?” She rolled it out the door and the other ponies formed up behind her like some kind of artillery train.

“Oh my,” said Rarity, despondently. “Can’t you do something, Valiant?”

“I think the important thing here is that your friends are crashing a fancy party and you aren’t helping them.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start.”

“I’ve got an idea.”

Several minutes later, Rarity shouted “This is madness!”

“Actually, this is a human who looks like a pony flying a badass VTOL aircraft with a bird for a copilot getting ready to fast-rope you into a party.”

Captain Falcon, sitting in the seat next to me, nodded in agreement.

“I don’t even understand how this gear works!”

“Simple. Hang on to the rope and don’t die."

“I can’t believe you made me make this clothing just so you could make me wear it!”

“In all fairness, you look awesome.”

“Oh, you really think so?" she gushed. "Well, I suppose—”

“Drop zone,” I said. “Goodbye.” I rolled the aircraft on its side and Rarity fell out the open door. Luckily, she actually did catch the rope dangling in front of her and slid to a stop before hitting the ground. Realizing that all the fancy ponies were looking at her, she dusted herself off primly.

“Just thought I’d drop in.”

The rest of the ponies laughed. “You simply must tell me what you’re wearing,” said one.

“Oh, this is a tactical vest with built-in shock plates and webbing accessory loops. Everything is made to work as well as it looks. All of the fabric is triple-stitched and double-layered. The gloves and boots aren’t just for looks, either.”

At least that’s how I imagined the conversation went. I was too busy trying not to crash into one of the castle’s towers to worry about it. I had spotted a pony that might have been Prince Blueblood, and had spent too much time not looking where I was going.

When I got back to the ground, both parties were winding down. Even after the near-crash, I thought it was a pretty good time overall. I flew everyone home.

All of them seemed to be in good spirits. Applejack described some of the ponies’ reaction to seeing the aircraft almost smash into the castle.

“They called it a flyin’ monstrosity,” she laughed.

“Monstrosity,” I repeated. “I think we have a name.” I resolved to paint it on the VTOL as soon as we got back to Ponyville.

Sometime after I had bedded down on the couch in the library, something woke me up. Things were dark, so I knew it couldn’t be morning yet.

I sat up and my head swam. Was I intoxicated? I stared at my…fingers?

“Oh my God,” I whispered. I shouted, “Yes! I’m awake!”

“Shut up,” said my roommate through the thin walls of the apartment.

“Dude, I just had the strangest dream.”

“I would have thought you were drunk enough to stay asleep until morning.”

“I guess not.”

“Oh, somebody must have slipped a rock into your pocket. You were really excited when you found it.”

I couldn't remember the night before. “What rock?”

“Some ugly chunk of Basalt.” My roommate was both a geologist and a discerning aesthetics snob. “It might be still in your pants,” he added.

I had been wondering what that strange lump was. I dug in my hip pocket and pulled a small stone out. It was wrapped in a note.

Enjoy the multiverse, sucker!

“Do you know anything about this note?”

“No, now shut up. It’s four in the morning.”

My dream felt like weeks if not months had passed, yet it had taken place in just a few hours. Nice.

Well, my head still ached and the sun wasn’t up yet. Better go back to sleep. I wondered what I would dream about next.

As it turned out, ponies. I woke up back on Twilight’s couch.

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