The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows
“Five hundred and sixty six, five hundred and sixty seven, five hundred and sixty eight... I am so close to breaking my personal cupcake-icing record! Pretty impressive if I do say so myself,” said Pinkie, saying it herself.
“I mean, not really if it isn’t even your personal record. You make cupcakes all the time,” I pointed out.
“It’s more cupcakes iced than I’ve ever seen,” put in Sir Win mildly. We were in his lair. Pinkie had asked to use the oven.
Sir Win, meanwhile, worked on a few other things. He made a damned good cup of joe. I took a sip of my coffee that he had made. Cordoba took a sip of hers. Along with the eyeliner she wore, it made her look slightly older. Well, maybe if it wasn’t so heavily applied. Cordoba was kind of in her rebellious youth phase. That was okay. You can stab someone with an eyeliner pencil.
“You know, coffee will stunt your growth,” said Pinkie, grinning and ruffling Cordoba’s blue mane.
“Then my enemies will die even more embarrassing deaths.” Cordoba glared at her.
Sir Win chuckled. “I was skeptical at first, but she’s certainly one of yours, Valiant.”
Cordoba muttered something under her breath.
“What was that?” I asked.
“I said pinche idiota.”
“Oh, okay.” I didn’t speak Spanish.
Pinkie finished her cupcake business and headed for the door, but bumped into the mailpony.
I hadn’t bothered to learn the new one’s name. Between Derpy and Post Haste, we seemed to go through a lot of them. The mail today was a scroll for Sir Win. However, Pinkie fumbled it and the paper unraveled across the floor. I caught the words TOP SECRET across the top.
Pinkie gathered it up, blushing, but having already speed-read it. “Wow, that’s a super secret!”
Sir Win glanced at the paper. “Indeed. Shining Armor and Cadance are coming here to break the news.”
“A top secret surprise?” Pinkie’s face fell. “That means I have to keep the news to myself!”
“Well, you know how loose lips sink ships,” I commented.
“Like the good airship Dirty Hooker Took My Money?” said Pinkie.
“In a manner of speaking.”
“What is this?” Cordoba asked.
“Oh, it was before your time,” I said. “Cool story, though.”
As we left, I told her my exploits aboard my first airship, one that Pinkie had a hand in naming. When I mentioned how I’d ridden it into a fiery inferno in the castle statue garden, she seemed impressed. Good to know she looked up to her dear old dad.
Cordoba herself was respectable enough. For being a filly who’d just gotten her cutie mark applied, she took no shit. I was still trying to figure out where the bilingualness came from.
Walking down the street, we spotted Applejack coming into town. She said, “Twilight’s called a meeting. I figured you’d find out and crash it anyway.”
“That’s thoughtful of you. You’re probably right, but it’s nice to have a shortcut. Being the government is hard work, you know.”
Applejack frowned at that, but didn’t reply.
We walked into the meeting. Twilight frowned at me. She frowned a little more at Cordoba. “Before we begin, Valiant, where did you get that filly?”
“What do you mean? She’s my daughter, isn’t she?”
“Well, so is Trixie and she’s adopted after she went insane while using the Alicorn Amulet and got one of her own age spells reflected back onto her.”
“Why does that make a difference?”
“So you’re saying Cordoba is adopted?”
“Why would you think that?”
“Well, to start with, she’s a pegasus. Sunset’s a unicorn, and I honestly have no idea what your genetic makeup started out as, much less what it might be now.”
“So? Cordoba has a hood ornament cutie mark similar to mine, Sunset’s eyes, and nearly the same colors as Trixie, just inverted.”
“Even Trixie, who isn’t biologically related, is a unicorn.”
“So? The Cakes - earth ponies - had a unicorn and a pegasus in the same birth.”
“Daring is a pegasus,” suggested Rainbow.
Twilight frowned some more.
“Trixie told me Daring wasn’t a fan of biological kids,” I replied. “Said something about having an escape plan. This is despite the magical lesbian offspring conundrum.”
“Well, if she’s biologically yours, that still doesn’t explain how she’s old enough to be going to school and getting her cutie mark,” Twilight said.
I could explain, but instead I merely grinned as widely as possible. Twilight would probably accuse me of playing God again anyway.
Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Back on topic, I called you all here today to tell you some wonderful news. Somepony special is coming to visit Ponyville, and I need your help getting everything ready. It’s-”
“Shining Armor and Cadance!” said Pinkie.
Twilight went on. “Yes, and they're coming-”
“Tomorrow!”
“They have-”
“Something very special and important to tell us!” Pinkie finished.
“That’s right,” Twilight confirmed.
“And its…” Pinkie baited.
Twilight looked confused. “The letter didn’t say.”
“It didn’t?” Confusion went across Pinkie’s face.
“It was kind of a surprise visit, though,” said Twilight, “so I decided to set up a surprise of my own. I’ve decorated the guest room with some things Shining liked when he was a colt.”
“Sure, you set up a guest room for your brother when he comes for a visit but let me sleep on the couch for so long,” I said. “Why is this so special, anyway? If it’s a surprise visit, why did he tell you a day ahead of time? Don’t he and Cadance come through Ponyville every so often? You know, since they don’t have an empire to rule anymore?”
“Well, he said he had some special and important news,” said Twilight. “I just thought I should make the visit special.”
“It’s special and important all right,” said Pinkie.
They all looked at her, but Pinkie suddenly clammed up. “Which, uh, if it’s a surprise he should totally be the one to deliver.”
“I suppose I’m okay with that,” said Twilight. “Will it be hard for you to keep the secret, Pinkie?”
“Uh, nope!” However, Pinkie had started to sweat.
“Well, that’s good enough for me,” said Applejack.
“Must not be too special or important if it can wait a day,” decided Rainbow.
“It certainly builds the suspense,” remarked Rarity.
“ But...what if the surprise is something so incredibly exciting that a pony can't keep it in any longer, and she has to tell the pony standing next to her what it is or she might explode?!” Pinkie shouted.
“Just…don’t explode twice?” Fluttershy suggested.
The group broke up. Pinkie let out a sigh. “Whew, for a second there I thought I was in danger of telling somepony. It’s such a special and important secret, but that almost makes it harder to keep!”
“Good luck with that,” I said. Cordoba and I left.
“Would you like to bet that she keeps it?” Cordoba asked.
“Hmm. Knowing Pinkie, she’ll beat herself and others up to do it, but I bet she doesn’t tell.”
And Pinkie succeeded. As I predicted, she had to contort herself quite a bit, but she kept the secret. I settled down at my government roleplaying station to watch. Pinkie kept herself occupied. She worked extra hard mixing Gummy into cake batter, doing her public service to build up the tolerance to Salmonella of the local residents. In her haste to get across town to deliver some baked goods, she rammed into Fluttershy, and then rammed Fluttershy again later in private. She even delivered some pastries via crossbow.
I bet she wasn’t expecting me to reply with a crossbow of my own, but I heard her laugh.
Down at the school, she made balloon shapes for kids. Scootaloo asked to be surprised. Pinkie did.
“Is that a baby bottle?” Scootaloo asked, “that long tubular white and pink thing?”
Pinkie winked. “It’s what you make it.”
She had another suggestive conversation later. After organizing city hall’s filing system, the Mayor commented that Pinkie was Ponyville's best kept secret.
The Mayor leaned in a little closer. “Speaking of secrets, have you ever known somepony else’s secret? A surprise that was so big and exciting that it was all you could think about?”
I opened the filing cabinet next to my desk and looked up the Mayor. My eyebrows went up.
Pinkie waltzed away from the conversation with the Mayor and spent some time helping a furniture store owner set up a wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube mare.
In fact, she kept so busy because she’d made so many promises to everyone that she had basically no time for herself. Sounded like the moralistic plot of a TV show if you ask me, one that we’d seen before.
I spotted something on one of the monitors at the outskirts of Ponyville near Sweet Apple Acres. I frowned and zoomed in. Tin Mare was airborne nearby and I asked, “Are you seeing this?”
It was a moment before she responded. “It appears to be Shining Armor and Cadance.”
“Yeah. I wonder why they’re a day earlier than they said.”
“Braeburn is working the orchard nearby. I could have him ask them.”
I remembered what she had said about using the cyborg as another set of sensors. “Tempting, but nah, just wait awhile.”
“I have also detected five fast-moving airborne contacts coming in from the north,” Tin Mare reported. “They are uniformed. I suspect they are the new Wonderbolt team.”
“Interesting. Keep tabs on them.”
I watched Shining and Cadance go into the library. Twilight was surprised. “What are you two doing here a day early?”
“Well, it is a very special, important piece of news,” said Shining. “But first-”
“I just have to show you the place I set up for you!” Twilight interrupted. She hustled them into the guest room.
Shining must have been very surprised. He made horse noises.
In all seriousness, it looked like he and I had at least one thing in common. We both liked trains.
When he was over the surprise, he said, “Cadance and I want you to get your friends together in the town square. We’ll tell you what we want to tell you there.”
Twilight agreed and went to round up her friends. However, when they met in the town square, Shining and Cadance weren’t anywhere to be seen.
I debated using the God Voice to tell them about the scroll I had observed Shining leave there, but they found it quickly enough.
“It’s a scavenger hunt!” said Twilight, reading it. “Shining Armor used to set these up for me when I was a filly! At the end, there was always a big prize, like a new book, or several new books, or-”
“We get the picture! You like books!” said Pinkie.
“Hello,” said Bible, appearing just then.
Twilight blushed slightly but managed to hide it. “Hello, Bible. We were just doing a scavenger hunt that my brother set up.”
“That sounds interesting,” said Bible. “I just went and bought groceries. Would you like me to put them in the usual place in the kitchen?”
“Oh, sure. I’ll probably be back later,” said Twilight.
Bible walked away. The girls all gave each other looks as Twilight watched him.
“So about this scavenger hunt,” Pinkie prompted.
“You’re right,” said Twilight. “Let’s go.”
They started to hunt the next clue, but Rainbow was distracted. “Hey, I think that’s the new Wonderbolt team I heard about!”
The girls all looked up as the five uniformed pegasi flew over. Rarity said, “I recognize Wind Rider and Lightning Dust.”
“Lightning Dust is a member?” Rainbow’s voice fell. “At least I recognize a couple others, real big shots around Cloudsdale. It looks like Firefly and Whiplash. And…is that Night Glider, from that crazy equals-sign cutie mark town?”
“It could be,” agreed Twilight. “Though it’s hard to tell with the flight suit.”
“Didn’t Wind Rider invite you to be on the team?” Rarity glanced at Rainbow.
“Well, uh…” Rainbow’s voice got progressively quieter as she spoke, “he said he couldn’t accept anypony with a criminal record.”
The Wonderbolts went on their way. The girls dropped the subject and went back to the clues. They went to the school and read a copy of the Foal Free Press, to city hall and read Applejack’s birth certificate, and to the furniture store to read a note that was taped to a crib. The last clue eventually led them to find their way to Sir Win’s place. Seeing that they were headed there, I called Cordoba. “Could you sit here and watch things for a while?”
“Do I have to?”
“The world won’t save itself, young lady.”
“Then it should learn,” she commented, but took a seat.
I went to Sir Win’s. I got there just as the girls were showing up. Twilight grumped, but at least she had stopped asking stupid questions like, “How did you know?” Good. My insistence that I was omnipotent was working.
Sir Win invited us in. Shining and Cadance were already there.
Twilight was confused. “Why did you bring us here? Where’s the book prize at the end?”
“We have something very special and important to tell you,” Cadance said.
“You’re having a baby!” Twilight burst out.
Shining and Cadance looked at each other.
“The clues were perfect!” said Twilight. “School...foal...birth certificate...crib.”
“Uh, no,” said Shining. “We arrived a day early, sent you on the scavenger hunt, used intentionally misleading clues, and ended up here in this demon’s lair to throw others off the path or make them not want to get close.”
Twilight was confused again. “But why? Why all the secrecy?”
“Twilight, we couldn’t afford for word to slip out before we were ready. The army of equals-sign ponies based in the Crystal Empire has grown to horrifying levels,” said Cadance. “And-”
“They’re coming to attack all of Equestria!” Pinkie broke in. She grinned. “It was sooo hard to keep that secret, but I did until you were ready to reveal it!”
“What!?” shouted Twilight. “Pinkie, if you knew that an army was about to invade Equestria, you can’t keep something like that to yourself! If we knew, we could have started making preparations sooner!”
Pinkie stuttered, but caught herself. “Well, if we have to fight, I have over five hundred sixty cupcakes with bad ponies’ names on ‘em!”
“And the Wonderbolts are in town!” Rainbow pointed out.
“I have an arsenal of sophisticated weapons and the most advanced combat AI ever built to employ them,” I said. “And, having seen this coming, I’ve been making preparations for battle. I humbly accept the nomination to be commanding general.”
“What makes you think you’re suitable?” Shining demanded.
“Please. You’re not part of the Guard anymore. We both know Soarin’ would lose a fight. And I have a pretty good record defending Equestria in the past. Who else do you want in charge?” I tapped my earpiece. “Tin Mare, get back to base and load up. We’re going to war!”
“Try not to be so excited about it,” Shining muttered.
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Fuckin' YEEEEES~!
Pfft.
Wasn't expecting that one.
Did not see that one coming.
Excellent twisting of the episode!
Btw did you know that the episodes actually are being aired out of order? Thematically this makes the order the chapters are produced tie into the fuckery of Dream-verse cleanly from post-S6 new reader's perspective.
I'm half excited for a war story and half scared of what Valiant will end up doing. Bravo, author man, bravo.
That's what I've been wondering.