A Dream

by totallynotabrony

The Last Crusade

“Valiant, you gotta help us!”

I looked up from my place on Twilight’s couch as I read the latest Daring Do novel. Considering I wasn’t from this universe, I didn’t already know her adventures.

Okay, technically, I wasn’t from the other universe either, but it really takes one heck of an accidental universe mixup to make a place feel like home.

“Valiant, you gotta help us!” said Apple Bloom again.

“Huh? Oh.” I was distracted there for a moment. I closed the book.

Hearing the commotion, Twilight came into the room. “What’s going on?”

“We heard Valiant was good at solving problems, so we came to see him,” Sweetie Belle explained.

I pointed my hoof at the three Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Those that would lay down their liberty for safety deserve neither.”

“We, uh, were trying to figure out a way to stop me from moving out of town,” said Scootaloo.

“Oh. Well, in that case...” I turned to Twilight. “Remember what I just said for when you need my help to save Equestria.”

“I’m not going to-!”

Ignoring her, I turned back around to the kids. “Tell me what’s going on.”

They filled me in on the way to Scootaloo’s house. By the time we arrived, I knew everything.

“So your aunt is Ellen Degeneres?”

“I don’t know why you keep calling her that.”

“Because she’s a lesbian married to an Australian and Ellen Degeneres is really the only common denominator I know about lesbians or Australians.”

“What’s Australia?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“It’s a place where they talk like Scootaloo’s aunt. The Australian one, I mean.”

Scootaloo put her hoof on the door, but I stopped her. “Before we go in, there’s something I want to know. How did you guys know I’m good at solving problems?”

“There’s this new radio station,” said Apple Bloom. “They said you were good at solving problems.”

“A radio station? What’s it called?”

“They go by WMKE,” said Sweetie. “It’s kind of a weird station. They don’t do music or anything. A lot of numbers, honestly.”

“So why do you listen?”

“It’s still better than hearing about numbers in school,” said Scootaloo.

She opened the door and let us in, introducing us to her aunts: Holiday (Australian) and Lofty (Ellen).

“Oh, is this Valiant?” Holiday said.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“They provided your exact physical description on the radio.”

“The same station where we heard that Scootaloo’s parents want to make her move to Shire Lanka,” Lofty added. “Though we haven't yet heard that from them directly.”

“Just how does this radio station get their information?” I asked.

Just then, the doorbell rang. It was Derpy with the mail. Scootaloo opened the door and accepted a postcard from her. It was a note from Scoots' parents and they were coming home.

Holiday and Lofty said goodbye and headed out. They'd apparently watched Scootaloo for a little while since her parents were gone. Since they were coming back, there was no need for the aunts to house/babysit.

Given the circumstances, and with no adult supervision besides me, the CMC had already decided to skip school so I could help them come up with a way to keep Scootaloo’s parents from moving her away. Personally, it seemed a little presumptuous of her to think that was going to happen without hearing it from their mouths, regardless of the radio. Still, they’d asked for my help.

“Well, you have your cutie mark now, so being a legal adult you can just get a job and get your own place.”

“That’s...not how it works in Equestria,” said Sweetie.

“Plus, I sure don’t feel like an adult,” added Scoots.

“Wait, then what’s a cutie mark even for? Isn’t it a coming of age symbol?”

“We’re getting off track,” Apple Bloom pointed out.

“Okay, then if you aren’t a legal adult, sue for emancipation.”

“Do what now?” Scootaloo asked.

The time it took to explain that got us off track again. By then, Scootaloo’s parents had arrived. My first indication was when a cragodile burst into the house and tried to eat us.

A pair of ponies ran in after it, tacking the ugly thing. “Heh, sorry to make such an entrance,” said her father in an Australian accent after he had finished recapturing it. “Just brought back a few mates from our last adventure.”

“We couldn't wait another moment to see Scootaloo!” added her mother. “I hope we didn’t interrupt anything.”

“These are my parents, Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood,” Scootaloo introduced. “Their jobs are really important. They travel to the farthest, most dangerous places in Equestria to study unknown plants and fierce creatures. What they learn helps pony science and medicine. I’d go with them, but it’s too dangerous. Once, my mom had to wing-wrestle a wyvern, and my dad got trapped in a chimera’s cave for three moons! He still has the scars to prove it.”

“How long is a moon, again?” I said. Nobody answered as Scootaloo's parents wrapped her up in hugs and kisses, possibly to prevent her from telling any more potentially embarrassing stories. As I looked at them, I realized I was missing a much bigger point. Of all the vague celebrity parodies I had encountered in Equestria, I couldn’t believe I had never met the Irwins.

“Holy shit,” I muttered under my breath.

Snap pulled back from the hug. “Crikey! You’re nearly as tall as me now, Scoot!”

“It’s so good to see you,” said Mane.

“I say we celebrate with ice cream sundaes,” said Snap. They don’t have those in the jungle, that’s for sure.”

“Why don’t you all come? Our treat,” said Mane.

I shook my head in wonder. Why the hell didn’t Scootaloo want to live with these people?

At the ice cream shop, Snap explained why they’d been gone. “We never planned to be away for so long in the first place. We just kept discovering things that could help Equestria.”

Mane continued. “But with all that’s happened lately – Sombra’s return, the destruction of the Tree of Harmony – we decided our family should be together. In Shire Lanka.”

Okay, I could see that. I’d never heard of the place, so it must have only a fraction the disasters that Ponyville had.

“But all my friends are in Ponyville,” Scootaloo pointed out.

“You can come back and visit ‘em,” said Snap. “Or they can take the train to us. There’s one every month.”

A practical sort. Plus, I could listen to his voice for days. God, I missed Steve Irwin. Granted, this wasn’t actually him, but I mean, shit, any replacement for Steve Irwin - no matter how equine - was better than no Steve Irwin at all.

Scootaloo didn’t share my enthusiasm. She turned to me. “Help me out, Valiant.”

“Do you...want me to make more trains to Shire Lanka or something? Do you want me to kill your parents? I guess then I could kill Sweetie Belle’s parents too so the three of you would match.”

“What’s this about killing parents?” said Snap.

“And who were you again?” added Mane.

I glanced up. “You said we were getting ice cream. I thought that implied me too, since I was standing there.”

It did not, as it turned out. At least I got ice cream.

With nothing else to do, I decided to see if I could find that radio station. Strangely, I couldn’t find a radio in the castle. I mean, there used to be one before I stripped it for parts to build the interdimensional telephone.

I vaguely recalled that the Crusaders had one. By the time I made it out to their clubhouse at the edge of town, they were already there.

It seemed that in my absence they’d been trying all kinds of ideas to keep the three of them together. Apple Bloom had even come up with a potion.

She was reading the label as I came in. “On this potion, please depend. Any separation, mend. Friends together ‘til the end.”

“So it’s a suicide pact potion?” I said.

“Uh…” Apple Bloom looked the label again and then quietly put the potion away.

“Well, we have to figure out something!” Scootaloo complained. “It’s not fair! I can’t move away. They’re making me pick between my family and my friends!”

That was a surprisingly well-worded argument. However, it still didn’t reveal which she should pick, nor did it involve a compromise that would make the choice unnecessary.

“Forget this,” said Scootaloo. “I’m going to go hide out at my aunts’. You heard my parents: there isn’t another train to Shire Lanka for a month. If I’m not on it, they’ll have to go without me.”

“Then we’re comin’ with ya!” said Apple Bloom.

“Are you sure?” said Scootaloo. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

Sweetie waved a hoof. “Rarity won’t be mad.”

“Applejack neither,” said Apple Bloom.

“Knowing Rarity and Applejack as I do, I seriously doubt that,” I said. I pointed my hoof at them. “I strongly advise the three of you not to run away from home.”

I turned. “Now if you want to run away from home, I can give you a ride to your aunts’ place.”

“Wait, I thought you just said we shouldn’t?” said Scoots.

“Yeah, and that’s what I’ll tell Twilight when she inevitably asks. ‘I did tell them not to.’”

The three of them loaded up with me into the ATHSS. Scoots gave me directions to her aunts’ place and I dropped them off there.

I had remembered to pick up the radio from the CMC clubhouse and started to tune it in as I headed back for Ponyville. My search plan to find the station would be formed from some crudely-wired direction-finding equipment and a visual search from the air for the broadcast tower.

I had a sudden thought. Scootaloo’s father and aunt were Australian. I finally realized why all her life Scootaloo had never been able to fly - she wasn't a chicken, she was an emu.

In thinking about it, I nearly missed the radio station I had been searching for. I checked the time, seeing that it was the top of the hour. Just then, I heard the station identification, the callsign spoken across the airwaves.

My hoof stopped twiddling the dial and I paused to listen. I knew that voice.

Comments

[Lithl]

Of all the vague celebrity parodies I had encountered in Equestria, I couldn’t believe I had never met the Irwins.

FWIW: Mane Allgood is based on Jane Goodall, not Terri Irwin. (Snap Shutter is based on Steve Irwin, though.)

I had a sudden thought. Scootaloo’s father and aunt were Australian. I finally realized why all her life Scootaloo had never been able to fly - she wasn't a chicken, she was an emu.

Hah, I love it!

[WanderingPony]

Emuloo sounds terrifyingly dangerous.

[Salty Milk]

As an australian, I resent Ellen for marrying into our beautiful bloody country.

[TartarusFire]

she was an emu

Wow, this is an amazing explanation. I never considered this when I saw the episode, GG