Baby Cakes
I read the note I had received carefully, trying to decide if it was a trick. Mr. and Mrs. Cake wanted me to babysit for them.
Their twins had been born recently, and up until this point the Cakes had had no problems taking care of them. Today they had a big catering order to take care of, and apparently I was on the list of potential babysitters.
I really couldn’t imagine how that had happened. I would have picked me last for the job. In addition, this whole gender-getting-flipped thing made me suspicious of everything. I thought that was just a subconscious reaction instead of anything having to do with being female, but then I’d never been female before.
Still, I did feel responsible enough to at least go tell them no. As I crossed the street, the Cutie Mark Crusaders came stomping up in their robot.
“Hey Valiant!” called Scootaloo. “We wanted to talk to you about retrofitting this thing with a quicker-response hydraulics system.”
“And adding nitrous!” exclaimed Apple Bloom.
“Are you just repeating things you read in some book?” I asked.
Sweetie Belle rolled his eyes. “Yes they are.”
I laughed. “It’s okay. Give me a minute, and I’ll be back.”
I walked in to Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie greeted me.
“Did the Cakes ask you to babysit?” he asked.
“Yeah. How come you weren’t first in line?”
He thought for a moment. “You know, they never really said. Hey Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Valiant is here and wants to talk about the babysitting!”
“Just a moment,” replied a voice from the back room.
As we waited, the door opened and Caramel came in. “Just came for some cupcakes,” she said. Pinkie helped her with an order.
“There you are,” said Mr. Cake, walking into the room.
“We want to talk to you about the babysitting,” said his wife.
“I kind of wanted to know why you think I’m capable.”
“Well dear, you were the first mare we thought of.”
It was true that Ponyville was kind of a sausage fest in this universe. My first brush with sexisim was not at all what I thought it would be like. You lied to me, Don Draper.
“But that makes you trust me more than, say, Pinkie?”
“Do you want the job or not?” asked Mr. Cake.
Well, if he was going to be mean about it, the least I could do was horrify him. I grabbed Caramel and planted my lips on hers.
“Heathen!” shrieked Mrs. Cake.
“Get out of here!” roared her husband.
“I’m freeeee!” I said as I ran out. Lucky for me, the Cakes were homophobic in this universe, too.
“Hey guys,” I said the Crusaders, who were still waiting for me outside. “Think I could get a ride?”
“Hop on,” said Scootaloo. “We were just going to go over to Rarity’s.” I climbed up and surfed the robot down the street.
“In response to your earlier questions,” I called, “quicker-response hydraulics and nitrous would be awesome. Not sure exactly how you plan to do that since this thing is steam-powered, but I wish you the best.”
They parked the ‘bot in front of the boutique. Tactical supplies available here said a sign in the window. Rarity’s fast-roping into the Canterlot Garden Party a while back had made the demand for such things skyrocket among fancy ponies. Like most “tactical” things in the human world, 99% of the stuff would be used to look cool instead of seeing the action it was designed for. Tacticool.
I said hello to Rarity and asked when he would be ready to do the thing at the place. Sweetie Belle knew what I was talking about, and managed to keep his friends from taking an interest in the conversation.
Rarity told me that he needed a little while longer. I nodded and went back to the library.
Twilight had a sample of alcohol from the still and was testing it with various scientific processes.
“Have you tried any?” I asked.
“Well, after the reaction that Spike had, and the look on your face when you tasted it, I thought I should be sure of what I was getting into.”
“What did you learn?”
“Well, it was really contaminated. I managed to extract all kinds of impurities.”
“Awesome. Let’s make cocktails.”
“Are you sure?” He looked at me, clearly disapproving.
“I’ll drink if you drink.” I got a couple of bottles of fruit juice out of the fridge.
I mixed up a blend and took an experimental sip. The pure ethanol probably wouldn’t add much flavor. What was missing? I tried a little cinnamon and vanilla, with a little malt thrown in. Oh yeah.
I set one of the glasses down in front of Twilight. He stared at it.
“Nothing to it,” I said. Gulp.
Twilight’s eyes widened, watching me highball my drink in one pull. “I thought this was supposed to be really potent.”
It was. I had to be careful, as not only was my body weight lower than normal, but my poor pony liver didn’t know how to handle alcohol.
“Try it. You might like it.”
He took an experimental sip, and then a larger one. “This is better than I expected.”
“Want another?”
Twilight hesitated, but apparently didn’t feel any ill effects. “Sure.” He finished the rest of the first glass. When I made two more drinks, I kicked up the alcohol content a little.
In not very long, we were lit. Everything was considerably more funny. That is, until Twilight scooted a little closer to me on the couch.
“What are you doing?” I asked. I may have been too drunk to walk, but I could see that something very bad was about to happen.
“Oh, nothing.” He smiled.
There was a sudden flash of light and an orange pony appeared out of thin air. She bucked Twilight in the head and he fell over, out cold.
“You must be the Valiant that’s supposed to be in this universe,” I said.
“That’s right. I came to protect your virginity.”
“For the record: yuck. But thank you. How did you get here?”
“Oh, I just discovered the secrets of time and space. No big deal.” Wow, I hoped I didn’t actually sound that condescending.
“So did you find out who's been screwing with me? Us?” I struggled to get off the couch. “You want something to drink?”
“No time, this is important. I discovered who’s behind all this.”
Before she could tell me who, I stumbled and had an unpleasant meeting with the floor.
It was now six-thirty in the morning on Earth. Daylight was starting to creep in around the window shade. My hangover was slightly better than it used to be. Probably better than pony-me was about to have, in fact.
I tried to remember what had happened on Earth the night before, when this whole adventure started. It had been a Friday. There had been alcohol, obviously. Knowing me, probably tequila. The Mexican Monster always seemed to play a part in my escapades.
There had been a girl I’d hit on, although she seemed rather cold. Never even took off her sunglasses.
I shifted a little and felt something brush my arm. Beside me in bed was a girl. I honestly didn't know if she'd been there the whole time and I'd missed her in my drunkeness, or this was something new.
I poked her in the arm. "Hey," I whispered. "What was your name again?"
She stirred a little. "Twilight."
Author note:
I've got some big news. A Dream has had 500 unique viewers! I'm so excited.
More importantly, I've got a new story about Valiant. It's called More Dreams. It doesn't follow the show, so we don't have to put up with things like plot. I'd appreciate if you take a look and maybe spam your friends with a link to it. Thanks.
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Oh lordy. I can't see exactly where this is going, but it's going to be funny to watch Valiant freak in any case.
This entire thing is fucking great, but I think I enjoy the slow descent into madness over it's course the most. Starting out mostly with snark and then descending into the utter lunacy of the present. It also sort of fits in with the idea that this may well be some sort of deranged dreamworld that's going increasingly off the rails as the character loses his grip on reality. I do struggle to see how this will ultimately be resolved in anything besides a huge handwave and a shrug of god, but then again given the story so far that would ironically probably be the most logical and funniest conclusion.
Until such time as that comes to pass though keep this shit coming and I'll keep reading it (in the name of AMERICA and FREEDOM of course).
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-QIr0Xpkpi7c/T3bkZo5uqhI/AAAAAAAAAOU/SO8cjamRmUA/s800/what_a_twist.jpg
388442
I'm actually planning for the end even now. As much of an end as it can be, anyway. Season 3 is confirmed, right?
388530
You're already up to chapter 30? I clearly have underestimated your reading speed.
388587
Like I said, I actually do have a plan for the end. (It's going to be awesome, btw)
AMERICA and FREEDOM are the exact reasons you should be reading this!
388619
Valiant's concern for his liver is not entirely unfounded.
"The pure ethanol probably wouldn’t add much flavor."
If I am correct, you can't get "pure" ethanol. It always has a small amount of impurities in it (namely the chemical methanol; that's what makes you go blind when you drink industrial alcohols).
388610
Actually, I'm already done. I can do a sonic rainboom with my eyes.
388623
So you know, I'm rewriting the next chapter just so I can use that line.
yeah, season 3 is confirmed, also this story needs way more views.
Beer goggles and tacticool, FTW.
SO...MANY....TWISTS!
My reactions
IM SO CONFUSED!
AND I LOVE IT!
My mind is so filled with fuck right now...
My mind just died ...
I wish i could put this into greater context, but...
Holy motherfucking shit.
In slightly greater news, however remarkably useless, I've recently gotten Fighting is Magic: Tribute Edition. So here's something to celebrate:
FiM:TE
And Vampire Rarity is officially best FMP.
4873551 This story does have that effect on people.
Aaaaauuuugggghhh! No more!
Oh you cock blocker! >~> Give the damn ponies a chance to seduce you!