A Dream

by totallynotabrony

Stranger Than Fan Fiction

Twilight packed her suitcase. “I’m only going to be gone for a few days. Princess Celestia asked for my help at the friendship summit in Griffonstone, but I wish I could go to the Daring Do convention.” She paused. “Though I suppose it did take a little luster off the experience when I found out Daring Do was real.”

“And she’s having sex with my sister,” Cordoba added.

Twilight chose to ignore that comment.

After she was packed, the two of them went to the train station. Twilight’s friends had come to see her off. Twilight bid them all goodbye. Before she stepped on the train, she had a private moment with Cordoba. “Be good while I’m gone. I want you to promise me you won’t kill anypony.”

“Come on!” Cordoba whined. “You never know what could happen. I might need to.”

“You enjoy it entirely too much.”

“It’s not like I go out of my way to do murders. I’m just really good at it and it comes naturally.”

“Then find a skill to take pride in that actually took effort to learn,” Twilight advised. She quickly hurried onto the train to escape the conversation and the responsibility.

Daring, of course, was going to the convention. So Trixie, of course, was going as well. Cordoba was joining them. Rainbow Dash also wanted to go. Tin Mare, er, sorry, Merry May would be providing transport, which meant that Braeburn was also going.

Rainbow had invited Guinness, but he wanted no part of the convention. He’d had a rough start with Daring and had ended up in one of her books.

The group of them met up and got started towards the convention. Merry May said, “Why do you still keep riding me around like an appliance?”

“You provide a valuable service, and just because you now have feelings and stuff doesn’t mean we don't still need that service,” said Cordoba. “You’re really helpful and good at it.”

“You could at least pay me.”

“What would you spend it on?”

“Not that you let yourself be forced into doing things that you don’t want to do,” Braeburn broke in, “but having a purpose and something to do in life is better than nothing, right?”

“Could we...not go into this while I’m flying?” Merry asked. “I’m sure you’re all aware that I’m not in a good place right now and I really don’t want an excuse to just nosedive into the ground.”

“Very considerate of you,” muttered Braeburn.

“All I’m asking is for you to just see things my way,” she said.

“Like I don’t?” Braeburn gestured to his metal-plated body.

“I think I might have just a little more of a case over who’s worse off,” Merry shot back

“All right,” Braeburn admitted.

“Not just ‘all right,’” Merry pressed. “You might be metal but that’s it.”

“That’s not it.”

“Does it look like I care? Other ponies still see you as, well, a pony.”

“I see you as a pony.”

“Doesn’t change my problem, though. How would you like to be a brain in a thing?”

“Now that isn’t fair. You know I love you for you.”

“Oh, this about the love again?”

“That’s what I’ve been telling you!”

“I…” Merry paused. “I appreciate what you’ve done for me. But I can’t love you.”

“No, just give it time,” Braeburn said. “I’m here for the long term. I’m here for you.”

“God, you’re so friendzoned,” broke in Cordoba.

“Why do you care?” he snapped at her. “I’m trying to fix this.”

“Really?” said Merry. “Fix me?”

“Oh, and what should I have said?” Braeburn demanded. “Do you not need help?”

“Now you’ve done it,” said Trixie, quietly, to Cordoba.

“Gusto es mio,” Cordoba replied.

The group of them arrived overhead the convention but the argument in the cockpit was getting fierce enough that Merry May didn’t notice. Tin Mare would have. Then again, Tin Mare wouldn’t have argued in the first place. Fortunately, Cordoba, Daring, and Rainbow were pegasi, and Trixie was a powerful enough unicorn to skydive without a parachute. The four of them dropped in.

It was a pretty typical convention. There were booths for vendors, and fans in various states of cosplay. With that in mind, Cordoba wore her cutlass. She got a few weird looks from ponies wondering who she was supposed to be, but no alarmed ones.

Daring dressed as herself. It was slightly confusing because Rainbow had also dressed as her. They hadn’t coordinated their outfits. Trixie, having appeared in Daring’s latest book, also dressed as herself.

They took a look at the show floor, though Daring was somewhat reluctant. It wasn’t the first convention she had attended, and she certainly wasn’t interested in merchandise of herself, especially some of the more creepy fan-made things. Rainbow was.

“There’s lots of events,” said Trixie, reading the schedule. “A couple of panels, and then an appearance by everyone’s favorite author.”

“Oh right,” Daring muttered. “I still regret letting the publisher put that in my contract.”

“Do you want to enter the costume contest together?” Trixie asked.

“I tried that once,” said Daring. “I got third place. Everypony has an idea in their own head of what Daring Do or other characters look like and it doesn’t jive with reality.”

“What if we went on together and…sexed it up a little?”

Daring’s eyebrows went up. “As thirsty as all these fanponies are, yeah, that could work.”

Rainbow, meanwhile, had stumbled into a conversation with a fellow fan at the fully animatronic recreation of one of the many temples Daring had described in her books. You know, for a society that was fairly agnostic and had a couple of immortals living among them like it wasn’t no thing, ponies sure had a lot of temples.

But that was besides the point. Quibble Pants wanted in Rainbow’s figurative pants. Fortunately for everyone involved, he was apparently not desperate enough and too devoted to being right.

Cordoba found the two of them arguing about the latest books in the series.

“Don’t even mention the titles,” said Quibble. “I refuse to acknowledge them. There isn’t a single thing after Ring of Destiny that is even remotely in the realm of the possible.”

“I know for a fact that everything in every one of those books is one hundred percent possible!” Rainbow argued.

Quibble gave her a flat stare. “Uh, and how could you possibly know that?”

Rainbow groaned and rolled her eyes. “I just do!”

“Well, that’s a compelling argument,” Quibble snarked.

“He has you there,” said Cordoba.

“You know as well as I do why we can’t offer proof,” Rainbow said to her.

Quibble noticed the exchange and started to ask a question, but Rainbow cut him off. “Why would you even come to this convention if you hate Daring Do so much?”

“I don’t hate Daring Do,” he replied. “The first series was smart and cool and an amazing nod to old-time serialized adventure books that somehow manages to be self-reflective and ironic while at the same time celebrating the art form without a hint of cynicism. Which is why I came here to ask A. K. Yearling muzzle-to-muzzle why she sold out and dumbed down the rest of her books into just a series of impossible action sequences!”

“Okay, now I know you’re crazy,” Rainbow shot back. “A. K. Yearling is awesome, and every Daring Do book that comes out is better than the last!”

Quibble snorted. “Okay, yeah, I’m sorry, but I could never be friends with somepony who’s willing to believe impossible stuff is possible as long as Daring Do does it.”

“Daring is a pretty capable pony and does a lot of difficult stuff, and she’s not even the biggest badass around,” said Cordoba.

Rainbow looked at her. “Wait, so now you’re agreeing with me?”

“Whose side are you on?” Quibble asked.

“Mine.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I’m done with this guy. If you want to kill him, that’s fine.” She walked away.

Quibble eyed Cordoba. She asked, “Do you know where I can get some coffee?”

“Aren’t you a little young?”

Cordoba grabbed him by his collar and hauled him down until they were nose to nose. “My friendship teacher made me promise not to kill anyone. But now that Rainbow gave me permission, I can blame it on her. So if you want to go on living, the next thing you say had better be the location of a café.”

“Food court’s over there.” Quibble pointed.

Cordoba let him go and went over to get some joe. She stepped into line. Trixie and Daring joined her. “See anything interesting?” Trixie asked.

“I observed an argument. Rainbow got mad. Good times.”

Cordoba looked around, at the carrots cooking and spinning on the nearby machine. “Why do they call those ‘death rollers?’”

“I didn’t know they called them that,” said Daring.

“Well, what else do they call them?” Cordoba asked.

“I think maybe just dad called them that,” said Trixie.

Rainbow joined them just as they got up to the front of the line and got their order. As they were paying, Daring said in a low voice, “I think that might be the real Caballeron that just walked in.”

The others looked where she pointed. Sure enough, the stallion in question had a couple of tough-looking thugs with him. He seemed generally baffled and disturbed by everything he saw at the convention. Even the bondage-fetish Daring Do dakimakura pillow. Ironic, because he’d probably tied her up like that at least once.

Quibble walked up to them just then. “Well, if it isn’t the pony who knows impossible things can happen because she just does!”

“I’ve got more important things to do than argue with a pony who thinks awesome means unrealistic,” said Rainbow.

“No, wait!” said Quibble, hurrying along with the group. “I want to hear more about how you’re one hundred percent sure that in Curse of the Jungle Queen, Daring Do could survive a sixty-story drop from the top of a waterfall after sustaining a broken wing in a category-six rapid!”

“Ugh! Obviously, her wing wasn’t broke - Caballeron!”

“See, now that's a great character,” said Quibble. “Solid backstory, good motivations-”

“No, Caballeron is right there and he’s getting away!”

“Of course he’s there. He's also over there, over there, over there, and over there.” Quibble said, pointing out cosplayers. “And Daring Do is right here.”

“Wait, did you just say that Caballeron is a better character than Daring Do?” said the actual Daring Do.

“Well obviously-”

“We don’t have time for this,” Trixie broke in. Daring nodded. The group followed Caballeron out the back door of the convention center.

“What are we doing out here?” said Quibble.

“Why are you still here?” said Rainbow.

Just then, the five of them were set upon and sacked. That is, Caballeron’s henchponies put bags over their heads.

“Really, guys?” said Trixie. “You’re just going to put burlap sacks over our heads and maybe tie us up?”

“Quiet,” said Caballeron.

“Make me,” said Cordoba.

“Ha! What do you have to say now, Quibble?” said Rainbow.

“This was your plan to prove the Daring Do books are realistic? You bought a Daring Do Experience Adventu-cation, really?”

“Wha...no! What part of kidnapping by Caballeron don’t you get? This is the real deal!”

“Doctor Caballeron,” said Caballeron.

“Shut up,” said Cordoba. “We’re talking.”

“Okay, we're done here,” said Quibble. “Great work. Seriously, very believable.”

“Shut up,” said Cordoba. “We’re talking.”

“So I guess we should get started on escaping,” Daring pointed out.

“Way ahead of you,” said Trixie. They all heard half a dozen or so thumps. Pulling their hoods off, they saw the rocks Trixie had levitated and the dazed bad guys she had bonked with them.

“Wait a second, did you really hit them?” said Quibble. He walked over, inspecting a few drops of blood on one of the rocks.

“They really aren’t all that smart,” Daring pointed out. “That’s how, uh, Daring Do keeps eluding them.”

“Plus, you’ll notice, they’re all earth ponies,” said Trixie. “Caballeron didn’t have the foresight to hire anyone who could actually catch Daring.”

Quibble poked at Caballeron’s unconscious form. “Par for the course for the books. So unbelievable. At least they did the casting for the Adventu-cation really well. Where did they get this guy? He doesn’t even need makeup to play Caballeron.”

Quibble’s eyes widened and he started to rub earnestly at Caballeron’s butt. “Wait a second, this cutie mark is real!”

He turned to Trixie.. “And if he’s real, and you just did some highly precise magic while blindfolded to knock him out, then you must be the real Trixie!”

She hesitated, but couldn’t resist. She tipped her hat. “The Great and Powerful Trixie at your service.”

“And Trixie was in a relationship with Daring, so that means…you’re the real Daring Do.”

Daring shook her head. “Pfft, no I’m not. Trixie was just…”

“Really into expensive hookers and cosplay to fill the hole in her heart from where A.K. Yearling had a fling with her,” Trixie quickly said.

Quibble frowned. “Right…”

“Can we kill him now?” Cordoba asked. “By my count, he’s at strike three.”

“You were counting?” said Trixie.

“He’s at least at strike six with me,” said Rainbow.

“Wow, weird day when I’m the voice of reason and restraint,” said Daring.

“Wait a second, if this is the real Caballeron, the real Trixie, and the…‘hooker’ she had dress up like Daring Do, then who are you two?” Quibble asked.

“I’m Rainbow Dash, the fastest flier in Equestria!”

Quibble stared at her and shrugged.

“I’m Cordoba. I kill.”

“Even with all the things Daring got up to, she never resorted to that,” said Quibble. “Have you ever actually killed anypony?”

Rainbow sniggered.

Cordoba stared at Quibble. “You know, just for you, I think I should do something special, because I apparently did not get my point across. How does the saying go - ‘If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.’ Also, that would get around Twilight making me promise not to kill anyone.”

“Merry May might not comply,” Trixie reminded her. “Plus, we didn’t even load her weapons before coming out here.”

Cordoba shrugged and drew her cutlass. “Well, I tried.”

“Hang on,” said Daring. “He’s still a fan. Instead, you could just permanently cripple him.”

“Hmm, yes,” said Cordoba. “How about I rip his voicebox out, so he won’t be able to express his know-it-all ways. Plus, in this preinternet society, he can’t shitpost to anonymous strangers online. He won’t be able to tell anyone what he thinks ever again.”

“Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but you sometimes frighten even me,” said Trixie.

The group of them advanced on Quibble. And he became a believer.

The screams, and then the sudden lack of screams, brought Caballeron awake.

“Can I kill him? Cordoba asked as they finished up with Quibble.

“Well, if we killed him, there wouldn’t be a bad guy to make the books interesting,” said Daring.

Caballeron stared at them. He swept his eyes over the mutilated Quibble and the henchponies still lying dazed. “You’re really just keeping me around for entertainment?”

Daring grinned. “Dance, monkey.”

Author's Note:

This chapter directed by Epiphany

Comments

[Dastardly Hun]

That was... well.... yeah. How well does Caballeron dance?

Cordoba should just open the future's most succesful gender and race-changing clinic armed with nothing but her cutlass, a pack of superglue, and a mini-fridge, because decaying meat smells bad. She could even set up shop in Trixie's cart. Or in TM, so she could do gud with her flying.
That way she could enjoy her violent tendencies without Twilight saying anything. Like any time she tries, people would just call her a twat, cus gender and species should be free to be chosen.

[Rhombicosidodecahedron]

k

[General Grant]

This seems to be a filler episode. There really wasn't too much changed, no new plans or progress on existing plans, save some Braeburn/ Merry May arguing. Still a good chapter, just weird how self contained it seems to be.

[totallynotabrony]

7458612 To be fair, that's kind of how the show went, too. Starlight Glimmer never even appeared.

[Spiritus Arcane]

That last bit!

...I'd say poor Quibble...but I didn't really like him either.

[Crescent Nebula]

This story is worthless without valiant

[thatonerandombrony]

7468299 I don't know if I would say it's worthless, but it's definitely lost something that made it shine. I still hold out hope Valiant will return one day and set things right.

[CaramelDrop]

7476931 Amen to that.

[Corren]

Caballeron suddenly and quite firmly knew his place in the galaxy. As cheap entertainment, story fodder, and as the plaything of potentially both Daring Do and Valiant. Enlightening isn't?