Luna Eclipsed
“Are you completely sure about this?” whispered Rarity.
“I think the question is, are you completely sure?” I said. “I’m ready to stake a vampire.” I nodded to the building we were hiding outside of.
“Did we have to be so dramatic about it? I mean, it’s Nightmare Night.”
“No, it’s vampire-staking-night. It just happens to also be Nightmare Night.”
“I don’t know…”
“I think you’re just scared.”
“How dare you!” she said.
“You haven’t proved me wrong.”
She glared at me. “Fine. I’m going in.” She leaped through the nearby window.
I don’t know if she expected it to be closed or not, but the resulting shower of glass rained down on me. I kept my eyes closed and somehow escaped injury.
I heard a scuffle from inside. Rarity said, “Well, I never…!” There was a faint shriek and then the noises stopped.
She came back out, covered head to hoof in blood. She looked rather cross. “Valiant, do you know what happens when a vampire gets staked?”
“No, what?”
“He blows up.”
“Oh. Um, let me get you a tissue.”
We’d come to Baltimare for the staking practice. I led Rarity out of town while she attempted to clean herself up. Our transportation was waiting.
The Cargo Helicopter Of Pony Assembly was my latest gadget. It was rough around the edges and barely flew, but you can’t just build a high tech aircraft and expect it to work right the first time.
Unfortunately, the acronym was CHOPA. I couldn’t think of any way to insert an extra P so that the phrase “Get to the CHOPPA!” would make sense. Schwarzenegger had a screenwriter for problems like this.
We made it back to Ponyville without any problems. I set the helicopter down beside the library rather roughly. Choppers are hard enough to fly even when you do have fingers.
“You’re back just in time!” said Twilght. She was wearing a robe with a matching hat and a fake beard.
“Are you a wizard?” I asked.
“Well, kind of. I’m Star Swirl the Bearded.”
“Ponies can have beards?”
“Obviously. Did you even read that book I gave you about obscure unicorn history?”
“No.” I had been too busy trying to figure out why I had found a robot clone of Twilight in the Everfree Forest.
“Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!” sang a group of school kids.
“Oh my, what great costumes!” said Twilight.
“Enough chitchat! Time is candy!” said Pinkie. She was dressed as a chicken.
“Aren't you a little old for this?” asked Twilight. I wanted to point out that she was in costume, too.
“Too old for free candy?” snorted Pinkie. “Never. Great costume, Twilight! You make a fantastic weirdo clown!” She grabbed her ration of candy and bounced away.
Twilight mumbled something about how much unappreciated work she had put in to her Star Swirl the Bearded outfit. She turned to Rarity.
“Oh, that’s a fantastic vampire costume! You must have spent so much time on it.”
“Um, yes. Quite a lot.”
“Come on,” I said, changing the subject. “Let’s take a look at the town.”
Nightmare Night was suspiciously like Halloween. I didn’t bother trying to tell the ponies about it. Despite the Twi-minator I had found, I was beginning to lose hope that anything I said or did made a difference. Regardless of whose dream it was, it was kind of a downer.
All the buildings were decorated and festivities were being held. Tom Rock, still sitting in the middle of the street, was dressed as a ghost. I wondered where a boulder would get a sheet.
Unscheduled lightning flashed, and a black chariot dropped out of the sky.
“Ohmygosh, Nightmare Moon!” shouted Pinkie Pie. She and some other ponies standing nearby seemed rather frightened by this turn of events.
“Well, I would suggest getting to the CHOPA, but it’s so slow that I doubt it would make much difference. It doesn’t even have guns.” I clopped my hoof to my forehead. “Ohmygosh, I should totally build a gunship! Don’t know what for, but it would be totally awesome!”
I looked around. The carriage had landed, and all the ponies in town were bowing to the passenger, who now stepped out.
She threw her hood back. It was Princess Luna.
“Citizens of Ponyville! We have graced your tiny village with our presence, so that you might behold the real princess of the night! A creature of nightmare is no longer, but instead a pony who desires your love and admiration! Together we shall change this dreadful celebration into a bright and glorious feast!” She shouted it all, and darned near blew a couple of the smaller ponies away with the force. Lighting crashed behind her to punctuate her statement.
"Did you hear that, everypony? Night Mare Moon says she's gonna feast on us all!” shrieked Pinkie. She and the rest of the ponies fled, leaving me, Twilight, Spike, and Princess Luna behind.
“Some entrance,” I said. “You’ve got to work on the ‘say it, don’t spray it’ part, though.”
“Who art thou?”
“I’m Valiant, seventh fiddle to the Elements of Harmony. Mostly, I show up and crack wise while everyone else does stuff. Sometimes I save the day, though.”
“Name one time when you’ve saved the day,” said Twilight.
“I beat Discord.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Well, I provided the proper motivation necessary for said beating. I certainly contributed to it more than you did.”
“That’s not fair! I was…”
“Where were you?” Finally, we would get to the bottom of this.
“I don’t—”
Twilight was saved by Luna butting in.
“We have heard many tales of you, subject Valiant.”
I cut her off. “No, not ‘subject.’ I am a citizen, and not of your country.”
She nodded. “Word of your unusual political views also gets around. Pray tell, of what country do you hail?”
“The United States of America. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. Get any visitors up on the moon? Yeah, that was us.”
“I do not believe anypony other than myself has ever traveled to the moon.”
“The last person who said they didn’t believe in the moon landing got Buzz Aldrin’s fist up his nose. I ought to—owowowowow.”
Twilight dragged me back to the library. I didn’t want to go, but I also didn’t want her to rip my ear off, either. She pulled me inside and let go.
“What are you thinking, talking to the Princess like that?”
“What was she thinking acting all high and mighty like that?”
“She is high and mighty.”
“So?”
Twilight gritted her teeth and looked serious. It would have been more impressive if she hadn’t still been wearing the beard.
“Stay right here. I’m going to go talk to the Princess.”
I glanced out the window. “You missed your chance. She’s leaving. Looks sad.”
“Ugh! This is all your fault.”
“While I don’t concede that it was all my fault, I did play a significant part, yes.”
“Why do you keep doing this? Don’t you have any decency?”
“Well yes, but I think you aren’t taking into account the different standards of decency that you and I have. I refuse to be a victim and won’t let anyone, Princess or no, infringe on my God-given rights. Just like how Buzz Aldrin showed that he didn’t take crap from anybody when he hit that guy. You ponies are too passive.”
“You don’t have to be so mean about it, though!”
I sighed. “I suppose not. I know that I once said that I would try to be nicer. Maybe this whole Discord thing made me forget.”
She sighed. “Everypony makes mistakes sometimes.” She glanced out the window, where the moon showed through a gap in the clouds. “So, you say humans have been to the moon? How is that possible?”
I grinned. “Once upon a time, a man named John Kennedy decided to get into a pissing contest with the Communists…”
In the morning, Twilight had filled four notebooks and hadn’t stopped writing yet. It had been another all-night study session.
“And with that, Eugene Cernan hopped back in the Lunar Module. Space-hookers still had not been found, but at least they got a whole bunch of interesting rocks. The end.”
Twilight put her pencil down. “Wow. Just wow. Do you…do you think it would be possible to build a rocket?”
“Sure. As a matter of fact, if you agree to only use Valiantco® fossil fuels, I’ll agree to get stinking rich on the profits.”
She stared at me. “So…all it takes is money?”
“And now you finally understand! The only way to beat Communism is to outspend them!”
“Wait, you just spent all night telling me made-up stories about moon landings just to prove a point that you made the last time you spent all night telling me made-up stories about democracy?”
I glowered at her. “We went to the moon. We beat the Soviets. Somewhere along the way Buzz Aldrin punched some guy in the face for calling him a liar. Don’t you see how the American Way works?”
“Honestly, no.”
I walked out the door in a huff. “Don’t come looking for me. I’m going to the CHOPA.”
Author note:
Oh, nobody likes Luna? I've always wanted to get an emo pony in this...
These days, Buzz Aldrin is hanging out with Snoop Dogg. I wish I was joking.
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>These days, Buzz Aldrin is hanging out with Snoop Dogg. I wish I was joking.
That's it, we're boned.
And another awesome chapter of a parody that matches Beating the Heat in pure awesomeness. Have some mustaches.
...Oh, and FIRST!!!! w00t!!
I'm surprised you didn't really follow up on that whole Twilight robot thing.
336603
We've got a lot of chapters to go.
337100 A lot of chapters that I'll gladly be looking forward to.
"Get any visitors up on the moon? Yeah that was us."
This made my day.
Halloween - Helloween
nooo! not Luna!!!i.ytimg.com/vi/OA5n8pmK4jg/0.jpg
593753
Emo Luna?
Try reading the first few chapters of More Dreams. It gets all better.
Cargo Helicopter Of PINK Pony Assembly
Since Pinkie helped build it.
september11news.com/Oct11BushEmotionalPentServ.jpg
YEA!!! God bless a'merica!
-Paid sponsor of George Dubya Bush
595504 “Once upon a time, a man named John Kennedy decided to get into a pissing contest with the Communists…”
Sir, I want you to know that this is the best line I have ever read in my entire life.
Your story has the absolute best vampires ever. With the best line ever associated with them, too. 'He blows up.' That gives me the funniest mental image/scene ever. Ever!
595504 ...........................................................................what are you smoking when you write and were can i get some.
Poor Luna...
And poor Rarity-vampire
636027 Cargo Helicopter of Pony Powered Assembly. The assembly was powered by ponies.
EVERYPONY LOVES LUNA!
RIGHT!?!?!
3638799 Right!
3638807 ehhhh eggnog.
Whenever someone says "God-given rights" I feel the urge to strangle someone....
Pit stop!
17
Missing end quote.
20
Euphemism. Apparently, Euphuism was an Elizabethan prosaic trend rife with repetition, allotted alliteration, and equal enunciation.
28
Missing end punctuation
30
Perhaps Person/Pony Assembly, or Pseudo-Pony Assembly?
Valiant has completely fucked up the MLP universe…
4173745 And you're only on chapter 30? Oh boy...
4173779 At some point before the end of the story PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make Valiant ,combined with magic and genes transforming technology, a HUMAN. PLEEEEEEEEAAASSE!!!!!!
That is all
4117841 Same, but with a nuke.
LET HATERS BE THE STUPID HATERS!
4284843 So... Whenever a nuke says "God given rights" You want to strangle it?
Oh, sorry, you probably meant that whenever someone says "But with a nuke" You want to strangle them.
Or maybe whenever some says "God given nuke"?
"Nuke given rights"?
"God nuked rights"?
Hmm...
DUDE, TWO OF MY HEROES JUST GOT MORE AWESOME. THANK YOU OTHER PEOPLES GODS!
5874366 I call copyright on god nukes.
Who is Buzz Aldrin?
7225706 He's the dude from Toy Story.
simplyreference.com/Media/Ragefaces/n/happy-pfftch.png
reactiongifs.com/r/bullets.gif
How? He didn't run away screaming that Luna would feast on them. He just had a conversation with her. Sure he was rude, but he wasn't afraid of her, which was the entire issue. No fear means no blame. Twilight really should stop using him as a scapegoat.