A Dream

by totallynotabrony

The Saddle Row Review

Everypony’s busy today, with Rarity’s new store opening. I don’t know where this dictation tape recorder came from, but finding it is most opportune. I was considering starting a diary.

I don’t know who would want to read it. I thought about a autobiography book deal. It would probably sell well, but after what happened...I think I might be done with the public eye. Er, I mean scene! There’s just something to be said for the quiet life.

If I could actually get that. This morning I woke up with wires sticking out from under my eyelid. I can’t imagine who keeps doing this or why, but it’s like they’ve abandoned all care, like they don’t mind if I notice.

And the scary part is, I don’t think I could do anything about it. I tried tugging at the wires, but they seemed well attached and I certainly didn’t want to hurt myself. I folded them up and hid them under my eyepatch.

I had breakfast with Applejack and she told me about a trip that her friends were taking to Manehattan. It sounded lovely, a perfect thing to distract me. The catch is, they were going to help Rarity set up a new store. Well, how hard could it be to hang a few dresses on hooks?

Very, as it happens. What was it that Valiant once said? Something about “Taking a dump just got a lot easier, because this thing tore me a new one.” I’m not one of the more urban musicians, but that quote fits the mood quite well. Setting up the store was a narrowly-avoided disaster.

From what I’ve heard about Valiant from everypony, I’m not sure I should even be quoting him. I personally saw him only once. I don’t know the full extent of what he did, although most everypony tells me I don’t want to know. I heard that he apparently helped my old manager, Svengallop, launch a career of his own as a soprano.

I am aware that Valiant had something to do with Tin Mare, the flying machine. She seems nice enough, although I can’t figure out how she talks and thinks. Or flies, for that matter. She’s lucky she has somepony as devoted as Braeburn after her.

Tin Mare gave all of us a ride to Manehattan. Braeburn came along, as did Maud to support Rarity and some new mare named Cracker. She has an unusual lingo. After everything that’s happened, and from what I’ve seen about secret evildoers, I don’t know why everypony is so willing to trust new faces. But I suppose if the Elements of Harmony are willing, I have no excuse not to.

Sir Win also came with us. He’s a demon. Nopony seems to think this is strange. I’ve heard that his rival in town is a stallion named Bible who used to be a holy book from another universe. Again, Ponyville seems to have just accepted this.

That makes me feel slightly better about myself. A former pop star with a disfigured face is the least interesting pony around. Well, I suppose I was looking for peace and quiet to enjoy my millions in retirement.

Speaking of ludicrous money, we arrived at Saddle Row in Manehattan. As Rarity put it, it’s where the most fashionable boutiques in all of Equestria were found, including her new shop. In my opinion, “Rarity For You” is a rather unimaginative name. Then again, sometimes name recognition is more important than magnifique. Fame is a fickle beast.

Tin Mare had to stay outside, of course. She parked across the street and folded her wings. Braeburn decided to stay with her.

The rest of us went into the shop and it turned out to be a trash heap. Apparently Rarity hadn’t bothered to even look at it before agreeing to rent. I can’t imagine what she must have been thinking. Or as Twilight tactfully put it, “Are you sure you’ll be ready to open tonight?”

That question was even more pressing when Rarity’s landlord showed up. Mr. Stripes looked like his name, with the tacky tracksuit he wore. He forced his daughter on Rarity, something I’ve seen too many times in the business, ponies going places they have no business being because of their connections, and also their miniature doll furniture.

Still, an incompetent assistant couldn’t hurt much, especially when Rarity already had so many friends to help. Plaid Stripes’ ideas were off the wall, things like spoon clothes and glow in the dark teeth, but I can appreciate some of that. The difference between a non sequitur and a pop culture genius is how you sell it. To quote Valiant again, “The Emperor has no clothes, and he knows it. But he’s not pretending to have clothes, and he plays to the crowd, who appreciate his honesty.”

We all noticed a beat coming from upstairs in the building. I remembered that the Club Pony Party Palace was in this neighborhood. It sounded like DJ-Pon3 at the controls.

Twilight set it to simplistic lyrics to accompany sweeping the floor. It wouldn’t have sold records, but it might have developed earworms.

Rarity called Fluttershy to take care of a family of racoons who had taken up residence in the stock room and then went upstairs to try and stop the music. It didn’t help. She might have asked me to say a few words, though if I know Scratch, she wouldn’t stop for anypony.

The hired help Rarity had planned for called in sick. It was around this time that Rarity began to lose faith that things would go well. Still, she’s surrounded by a good group of friends and they all pulled together to take up a task. Honestly, I think this is why I hang around AJ & co. They care about each other, even if, according to Valiant’s notes, they’re actually terrible at the concept of friendship.

I think I learned a lot by reading Book of 1001 Valiant Quotes, which I randomly came across, much like this tape recorder. Which is not to say that I’m going to be copying everything in there. I have to maintain my own style, after all. Plus, I wonder if he was kind of a kook.

AJ volunteered to keep Plaid Stripes out of trouble. It sounded like she might have her hooves full, so I helped her out.

It was harder than I expected. As I’ve said, if you need off-the-wall ideas, by all means, consult a hyperactive filly. The problem is, well, a hyperactive filly.

Even AJ liked Plaid’s spoon clothes idea. “Useful for eatin’ soup, stirrin’ gumbo, and diggin’ little holes.” Oh AJ, never change.

Rather than letting Plaid talk our ears off, we decided to do something a little more productive and took her down the street to a stage performers’ museum and hall of fame. Maybe looking at the costumes could give her ideas.

I was surprised to see Trixie featured. The exhibit looked brand new and hastily constructed. If she was in a hall of fame, then maybe I could get into one too, especially since I was now retired.

It was AJ’s idea about the hall of fame. Plaid seemed oblivious. She was a teenager, so even if she didn’t like my music, she still most likely knew who I was. AJ had introduced me as RaRa, though, so the recognition wasn’t there. Well, also the eyepatch.

Plaid did notice that. I could tell she wanted to ask. I decided maybe the horrified fascination most ponies seemed to show was useful for keeping her behavior in check.

When we got back, the store almost looked worse. Maud was undisturbed, methodically attaching sparkly jewels to clothes in the back room. Fluttershy was trying to herd racoons, Twilight was trying to keep Rarity stuck inside the window display, and Pinkie was complaining about the music. I had thought homosexuals were into the whole “unce unce unce” thing.

A couple of hopeful employees were hanging around. One had a head shaped like a trapezoid and another had a horrendous overbite. Can I say things like that? Probably, being disfigured myself.

Pinkie started to head back upstairs to do something about the music, and I tagged along. Even if Scratch wasn’t going to turn it down, I thought I should at least say hello to her. Going up the stairs, Pinkie suddenly stopped in her tracks. My depth perception being what it is, I ran into her.

“I just had the greatest idea!” Pinkie shouted in my face. There’s nothing wrong with my ears, thank you. “You should use your sway, one musician to another, to get DJ-Pon3 to turn it off!”

“I think you’re misunderstanding how musicians work,” I said. “Not playing music goes against what it means to be a musician.”

“Then instead, you and her should do a joint concert as entertainment for the boutique’s opening!”

“I’m retired from live performances.”

“Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

I actually flinched. But then, maybe she was right. What was the worst that could happen in Manehattan at a boutique opening - I glanced outside - that Tin Mare was guarding?

When we got upstairs, Scratch motioned me behind the turntables and we had a quick conversation. She doesn’t like to talk in front of the public. It’s part of her image she maintains, and I respect that.

Rarity was an up-and-coming designer, my impromptu performance that evening would clearly be limited edition, and the club had only about three dancers in it at the moment, so Scratch had everything to gain by joining the party.

Back downstairs, it was somewhat startling how quickly everything had come around. Twilight had presumably decorated with her seemingly limitless magic, the raccoons had been suited up as waiters, and somepony had made hors d'oeuvres. The ponies vying for jobs were given a quick test by Rarity, the expert, and she decided to hire all three.

We told her the plan for the entertainment. Rarity started to panic again. “There’s simply not time to get you properly attired!”

Fortunately, this night was all about all-new designs, so Rarity’s older garments occupied a back room. In just a few minutes, she’d modified a version of the Luna dress for me.

The Princess Collection, first displayed at Canterlot, still looked great. The Celestia dress was mostly green. The Luna dress was all indigo and sparkles, which Rarity tailored for me just enough to make it not apparent that it had come off the rack.

Something occurred to me and I asked, “Why isn’t there a Cadance dress?”

Rarity blushed. “It’s, ah...just garters and dental floss two sizes too small.”

She busied herself doing my mane. Without me even needing to ask, she left it long over my eye.

We walked out. Scratch gave me a nod. They’d found a piano somewhere and I sat down. I saw Plaid staring and her jaw dropped. I couldn’t help but smile, although it was mostly in amusement at her spoon outfit.

She came over. “Oh. My. Gosh! I can’t believe it’s you! That it’s been you this whole time!”

“Well, we wanted to save something for a surprise,” I said. Honestly, I was the one surprised. A performance, a piano, a Princess dress. Perfect night?

“So are you going to play that?” Plaid asked. “You do play the piano, right? You’re going to have to do something to get all the attention in here, away from all the ponies outside who are looking at that thing across the street.”

Tin Mare was parked outside, using her landing lights to signal and direct ponies towards the boutique.

“It’s almost time, everypony!” called Rarity.

Play the piano? I gave Plaid a smile, genuine this time. “I play to win.”

And Scratch and I rocked it.

Well, okay, that makes it sound like we had the place hopping. Probably not the atmosphere that Rarity was going for. But we did put on what I think might go down in history as one of the best live muzak performances ever.

It was nice. A chance to just let things go for a while and feel like things were right in the world. I lost myself for a while. It felt good.

When the party was over, and the customers were on their way out, Rarity came over to me. “Thank you so much! This was just the perfect thing!”

“I feel the same way.” I was a little hoarse from the singing, but it felt good. I got up and went to join her and the others. We were interrupted, however, when the lingering crowd outside the boutique all turned to face the sky, oohing and ahing.

Of course we had to go see what had happened. Stepping outside, a huge, glowy heart hovered over the building like a free-floating pink neon sign.

“That wasn’t part of it,” said Rarity, though she shrugged and applauded with the others.

As if signaling the finale, the crowd began to disperse. Rarity found Fluttershy and asked, “Be a dear and fly up there to see who set up that display.”

Fluttershy came back a minute later. “I found this card. It says, ‘Regards, the Love Meister.’”

“He’s here in Manehattan now?” said Braeburn, coming over.

Twilight frowned at the card. “Whoever this is doesn’t seem to be harmful, but I’m becoming concerned about his intentions. From experience, random, anonymous messages are never a good thing.”

“Oooh,” said Cracker, still staring at the sky. “Lovely.”

At any rate, it had been a good night and we all retired to the hotel. A reporter had apparently found out where we were staying and left Rarity a message, hoping for an interview, which she scheduled for breakfast the next morning.

I thought about going with the others. Talking to reporters didn’t sound so daunting anymore, what with the much-appreciated boost of confidence I’d enjoyed.

However, I decided not to go. A fashion column in a local newspaper wouldn't do me all that many favors. It also might run the risk of completely overshadowing the point: Rarity’s new store.

Still, when we got the next day’s paper, I owned the subtitle:

‘Rarity For You’ Enjoys Spectacular Opening on Saddle Row

RaRa Ooh La La!

I don’t know who told the reporter the nickname AJ had first given me. Probably Plaid. Still, it actually turned out to be a pretty fair and informative article.

Back in Ponyville, Rarity read it to us. “In the end, Rarity’s grand opening was a smashing success! True, it got off to a rocky start, but somehow this rag-tag group of ne'er-do-wells-” She paused. “Oh, heavens, I think he means you all - came together and created the perfect boutique. An exquisite performance by the one and only Countess Coloratura was the centerpiece of the opening, but the vision of Rarity combined with the expertise of her friends will last for the seasons to come. This reporter, for one, is a believer.”

Calling the Elements of Harmony, who as a group had done more to deserve fame than I ever had, “a rag-tag group of ne'er-do-wells” seemed rather insulting. Though strangely, it was almost exactly how Valiant referred to them, profanity aside.

But then I got a letter from the Las Pegasus Stadium Event Center inviting me to do a special concert and I forgot all about Valiant.

Comments

[Deadinlight]

i dont think valiant died. just went to through the trouble to make it seem like it and is hanging out in his Columbia home still watching and laughing at the elements until they admit theres something they cant stop without his help...

Valiant did nothing wrong.

[FourthWallAfroBrony]

Vote for Valiant. Make Equestria great again!

[Ultimate Bromaeda]

A: Please keep doing this from RaRa's POV, it was awesome.
B: Why do I get the feeling that Valiant made a A.I. of himself, so when RaRa becomes a cyborg, the Love Meister, or cracker, or whatever, will upload the A.I. into RaRa. This is why she found the recorder and a book of Valiant quotes.
RaRa will become Valiant Reborn.

[Lithl]

7252303
I dunno. You'd think he'd go after Braeburn, who's already a cyborg and not a chick.

[Ultimate Bromaeda]

7252989 yeah, but Braeburn already has ideals and a pre-established opinion of Valiant, RaRa, not so much.
Answer me this if you still doubt, why else would Cordoba, or Sunset or whoever, give this much of a crap about RaRa.

[totallynotabrony]

7252989
7253551
Careful what you say or you might make me have to revise the planned plot.