The bathwater sloshed around sickeningly as Celestia rolled over. She glared at the water. It did not return the favor.
It was too early and Celestia was too hung-over for sloshing. She considered leaving the bath, but decided instead to sink once more beneath the tiny waves of her alicorn sized tub. The water, she thought, would at least keep Luna and her blasted computer from disturbing her once more.
Minutes passed before the sun princess resurfaced, her mane plastered to the side of her face. She left it there to block out the light and save her brain the trouble. With a sigh, she reached for the door into her chambers. She was interrupted by a twitch of her left ear.
Instinctively, she tilted her head in the direction of the sound, which was quickly gaining intensity. Using magic to dry herself off, Celestia popped her throbbing head out of the bathroom window and gazed skyward. After a few seconds, she was able to make out a rapidly accelerating item flying right for her tower.
She screamed. The noise hurt her head, so she stopped screaming and pulled it back into the room. Scrambling backwards, she tripped over a towel and fell into the tub. As she lay there, she decided to curse Luna—who else but her would put her through something like this—and wait for whatever was coming for her to just get it over with.
Celestia waited for several waterlogged moments before realizing that nothing had actually happened. This concerned her somewhat, and she climbed out of the tub, once again with a matted mane. As she absentmindedly dried herself again, she heard a loud crash coming from inside her chambers. She rushed in to confront the intruder.
As she entered her quarters, two things stood out. The first was that her tower was very much still standing. She took a second to appreciate this fact before moving on to the second, and, she figured, more important peculiarity. After blinking stupidly a few times, she came to the conclusion that there was an alien space craft on her balcony.
It was silver, oblong, and resembled an overturned bottle of Celestia’s favorite whiskey. Three struts extended from its lower half, and a ramp slowly extended from what she guessed was the entrance hatch. She walked slowly towards it, her hangover being pushed from the front of her consciousness. It throbbed jealously in return.
The ramp fully extended and the spaceship’s hatch crept open. Something stirred within. Celestia peered inside to see a tall figure emerge with a dignified air. Celestia stepped back wordlessly.
She realized that the creature, a tall, grey biped with a score of golden collars circling around its neck, looked just like what she thought an alien should look like. Were she to write a book about him, she would have noted with distinction his pale gray green alien skin that had that lustrous sheen about it that most gray-green races can acquire only with plenty of exercise and very expensive soap. She began to speak, but the creature raised a hand to silence her.
“Celestia,” it said with a sophisticated accent, “you are an equine land whale. A total lardass. I suggest you try a light beer once in a while.”
And with that, the alien turned, entered his vessel, and departed in a large blast of hot air. Celestia, wishing she still had the hangover, sat on the balcony and watched him leave. She gazed in silence until her bedroom door burst open.
“Wowbagger! Waiiiiiit!”
Luna ran onto the balcony and trained her eyes on the rapidly accelerating space ship. She frowned.
“Jeeze, you could at least stop in to say hi. . .”
Celestia moved from wishing she was still hungover to wishing she was still drunk. She stared up at her sister. A feeble “Wha?” was all she could produce.
Luna sat down angrily. “You didn’t tell me you were seeing him!”
“Seeing who? That jerk? He came down here, scared me half to death, called me fat and—”
Luna interrupted her. “He called you fat?”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes, Luna, your buddy called me fat. Then he just took off, and—”
The moon princess burst out laughing. “Wait, Celly, tell me—what exactly did he call you?”
Celestia glared at her sister, who recoiled slightly.
“Never mind, I’ll ask him later.”
Celestia grabbed her giggling sister. “You know that creep?”
“Know him? I dated him for a while! His name is Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged. He became immortal after an industrial accident a couple millennia ago, and has spent the last few centuries running around the galaxy insulting sentient beings. Guess it was your turn.”
Celestia stared at her sister. She turned to the sky, and back to Luna.
“He became immortal... and didn’t know what to do with his time... and goes around the universe insulting living creatures..." Luna paused, then shrugged. “In alphabetical order, I should add.”
Celestia closed her eyes. “I see.”
She released Luna and rose, slowly. She could hear the bathtub calling for her to return to its silky embrace. She turned to Luna. “Do you still have his number?”
This time it was Luna at a loss for words. “What?”
“His number. I want to date him.”
“But why? He called you fat!”
Celestia glared again. “Yes, he did. And I will be sure to have a... polite conversation about his choice of words. But I have to guess that a man as... well traveled as he must know a thing or two about how to please a lady. Plus, he wasn't too bad looking either."
Luna lost her battle with the giggles and flopped on the floor in hysterics. Her sister scoffed and decided that another bath would be a good idea after all.
yay a hitchikers refrence!
… I feel like I should know what he's from, but I can't quite put my finger on it...
The Energizer Bunny. He just keeps going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going...
Wow, Wowbagger got up to the C's? Good for him!
4458032 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy series.
Huh. I wonder if Arthur will randomly teleport in on a couch, which just so happens to fall on a mostly innocent and totally normal pony with the name of Agrajag
It'd never work out. He's married to his work.
In any case, kudos to Colgate is best pony for both an Adamstastic chapter and sneaking his opinion onto a RainbowBob story's table of contents.
4458068
Logically, it can be deduced that Equestria existed tens if not hundreds of millions of years in the past. Assuming, of course, that Wowbagger is going by last name when applicable.
4458068 or the G's if he's going by last name (the last time we saw him, he was insulting Arthur Dent in a cricket match in (Bristol?))
I only use dating sites for trolling
I'm going to continue to recommend Gwyndolin from Dark Souls. Especially now that a chapter was done on a Dark Souls character...Well, that was last chapter, but oh well.
In this story, it's usually sun gods/goddesses who are the subject of a chapter. And I cannot remember if a moon god/goddess was used at all.
Really he should never get out of the As unless he has access to time travel. Or he operates under the rule that he can never go backwards, so if you are born Aaaaaaaardvark, and he is on Abner, you are safe.
4455420
Really? *Waits*
So, not really a date per se. Rather, the setup for one told in a unique way.
. . . Okay, that works.
~The lizardman now has an idea for a third guest chapter
I got this hilarious idea from something my idiot brother wanted to do:
He said it would be BEYOND hilarious if he made a profile on BlackPeopleMeet.Com. And the hilarious part? HE'S WHITE.
Now, what if a poor soul claimed to be immortal and was instead anything but? Poor Tia would be furious, no doubt!
WOWBAGGER?!
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/761/932/7be.gif
My reaction on Know Your Meme
Do Faust do Faust!
At first I thought it was Roger from American Dad.
4457768
The term is 'Vitalist', those who pick on people just because they don't have a pulse...
Colgate is best pony is a hoopy frood who knows where his towel is.
www.notforeveralone.com, is fake...
4458144 No no, I believe it was while he was trapped in prehistoric times. Then Wowbagger appears to him again later, momentarily forgetting he'd already insulted Arthur.
4458210 Time doesn't matter in the Hitchhiker's Guide logic. One character stated he'd watched the universe collapse several times, each from a different place to avoid the awkward conversation stemming from meeting himself.
... Squeeee...
This... fucking this... has made my fucking day so hard.
Okay, I have no idea what just happened, but it was hilarious.
So was he in the 'A's (alicorns), 'C's (Celestia), or 'P's (ponies)?
Hmm, Celey really needs to be smacked upside the head with a gold brick, wrapped in a lemon wedge.
Bwaaaahahahahahaha yay this is awesome.
4458756
I figured G for Goddess of the Sun, Celestia (as it would appear in the phone book)
Maker her date the immortal overlord of all things... Shrek
4458593
Yea but that's because the Restaurant at the end of the universe is Timey-Wimey.
Do Respawning!Steve, Herobrine, and/or Notch from Minecraft Fanfiction
4459183
I'm pretty sure he had something of that sort too. And who's to say that if you could travel to the end of the universe and back that other people, let alone an accidental immortal, cannot time travel as well.
Some suggestions for future chapters:
Kenny McCormick from South Park. He is reborn every time he is killed, but nobody remembers this. Sure he's only 9 but he's a huge pervert.
Sun Wukong from Journey to the West. The Most Handsome Monkey King and Great Sage Equal to Heaven, his guy beat up Chinese gods, erased his name from the Book of Death and consumed several immortality-causing items, rendering himself immortal. Interestingly enough, horses are drawn to him because he used to work as a Heavenly Stable Boy for the gods. Inspiration for Goku from DBZ.
Frieza from DBZ. In a few video games there were scenarios in which he beat Goku and wished for immortality from the Dragon Balls. Celestia needs to be careful to not upset him lest he throw a tantrum and blow up the planet though...
Kratos from God of War. He's not really immortal but every time he dies he just fights his way out of Hades, and it's implied he survived the ending of GoW3. You already had Zeus and Hades here, this might be good.
Thanos from Marvel Comics. Superpowerful mutant alien who achieved omnipotence a few times but always threw it away due to self-doubt issues. Cursed by Death itself to never die, even though he loved her. He's also a super-genius with all sorts of alien technology that helps him with his plans.
I want more of the insulting alien, as this date didn't end horribly.
4459527
Nice profile picture.
4455420 Alucard confirmed? *Commencing waiting procedures*
4458397
The greatest compliment that could be given under such circumstances.
OMG a chapter with a spore character in it! I loved that game!
4460299
Hell go Lust, I would pay to read that one.
4460299 All of my yes!!!
4458744
*almost everything
Soemtimes it was Posieden. Or one of the other gods.
Y'know, the only god who actual did their job 100% of the time, stayed faithful to their wife, and rarely (if ever) complained about it is the god who was tricked into taking the least likable Domain: Hades.
Yeah, the God of the Underworld, who was feared and hated because he was the one who took in the souls of the dead and made sure they didn't just leave, willy-nilly, who got tricked into taking that job by his younger brother, is the best god of all time.
At least the Romans gave him control of everything beneath the earth, especially its riches.
Also, he's married to the goddess of harvest's daughter, who happens to be the goddess of growing. His little domain is the center of life and death.
I could see Hades chaperoning a meeting between Thanatos and Celestia. After all, Thanatos is a quiet, studious sort, and I think he'd get along fine with Celestia. And according to mythology, he's really good-looking, unlike the Grim Reaper portraits.
TL:DR
Hades is Best Greek/Roman God, and Celestia should date Thanatos, with Hades chaperoning.
Even though the ship didn't match up I thought for a second the 'little green man' was going to be this guy.
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120703015243/destroyallhumans/images/0/00/Cryptoguy.png
Thank you for the kind words everyone, and thank you RainbowBob!
4459285
Which I am not saying as impossible. I was postulating that if he didnt possess that, so on and so on and so on
A very nice chapter, definitely keeps stride with the regular wackiness!
Also, if the previous chapter's any indication, Celestia's starting to build up a bit of a harem...
4462301
Hehe, innuendo.
Doesn't work if you spell it out.
loool
4459183
Eh, time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so.
4459017 4458756 Or maybe S for Sun Goddess?
I have no idea who this chapter was about. Oh well, next chapter.
I'm sure that accidentally immortal frood knows exactly where his towel is.