Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website

by RainbowBob

Guest Chapter: Come And See (The Ponytrician)

Somewhere on the edges of reality, through the vast inky depths of space, swims Great A’Tuin the Star Turtle. Perched upon the massive, meteor-pocked and interstellar dust-rimed carapace are four only slightly less massive World Elephants. Turning slowly upon their backs rests the Discworld, which from a distance more or less resembles a great geological pizza; though with an abundance of mountains and seas, and not enough pepperoni (philosophers of the Disc have suggested that a pizza was what the Creator originally had in mind, and He or She just got a little carried away; the presence of anchovies is often used as supporting evidence).

Completing this picture of the Disc is a tiny sun and moon, held in an endless orbit around and under the Star Turtle and its pachyderm and pancake-planet payload. What Great A’Tuin thinks of this arrangement no one has ever thought to ask; or if they have, they died of old age waiting for a response.

Such weighty matters are of little concern for this story, which begins to unfold as the sun sinks behind the rim of the Disc and the lamps and candles flicker to life in the large seaside town of Quirm. The residents of the city-state are known as a passionate people, with those passions running primarily in the direction of the finer things in life, such as fine art, fine fashion, and fine dining. They are also known for holding their noses aloft at the neighboring city of Ankh-Morpork, thought that is probably because of the smell.

It is the fine dining, however, that is the focus of this particular tale, and the scene unfolds in one of the finest of the fine establishments of Quirm; the kind of eatery that hosts not diners, but clientele. The clientele of this place do nothing so crass as make reservations; they have people for that kind of thing, and even those people have had the cut of their clothes measured to the last stitch and the contents of their purses weighed to a fraction of an ounce before being offered so much as a haughty “Oui?” by the operators of the establishment.

There are some, however, who require no reservations and for whom no portal remains unbarred. Being steadfastly ignored by the other human, dwarf, and even troll clientele (because casual speciesism will quickly evaporate in the presence of vast quantities of money) are two such patrons as different from each other as night is from day. One is Death; the Grim Reaper, the Collector of Souls, the Harvester of Mortality, the Final Justice, who just so happened to look like a tall skeleton shrouded in robes and cowl of purest midnight. Two tiny blue stars burn intently in the endless depths of His empty eye sockets, as His unreadable gaze rests on the guest seated opposite Him.

She is Princess Celestia of Equestria, along with being the Princess of the Sun. She is an alicorn ruler of the magical land of ponies from whence she hails, and possessor of so much magical power that the majority of the Disc’s wizards would break into a cold sweat and go for a good lie down just hearing about it. Her resplendent pegasus wings lie folded against her coat of purest snow, tinged with the pink of sunrise; the stately unicorn horn protruding from her brow glowed with shimmering gold, as it holds aloft a soup spoon in her magical grasp. Her mane and tail, multihued and sparkling like the aurora corealis near the Hub, constantly dance in an ethereal breeze, and her large, expressive purple eyes studied the figure on the other side of the table.

“So… you must travel a lot, and meet all kinds of interesting people in your line of work?” Celestia asked politely, breaking the silence that had been slowly gathering.

LITERALLY EVERYWHERE, AND ONLY BRIEFLY, Death replied in a voice reminiscent of a heavy tomb door grinding shut, that passed straight into Celestia brain without even bothering with the medium of ears or sound.

“Ah, about that…” Celestia’s gaze drifted to the scythe that was propped against the back of Death’s chair, its blade translucent like frozen starlight. “If it’s not impolite of me to ask, you don’t actually, you know...?”

GRACIOUS, NO, Death replied. I AM MERELY THE PROVIDER OF A SERVICE, FACILITATING THE TRANSITION BETWEEN LIFE AND THAT WHICH COMES AFTER. Celestia visibly relaxed at this comment. IN FACT, YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY THAT I’M AT THE CUTTING EDGE OF MY CRAFT.

Celestia blinked.

THAT WAS A PUNE, OR PLAY ON WORDS, Death explained. YOU SEE, BECAUSE OF THE SCYTHE—

“Yes, thank you, I got that,” Celestia interrupted, hastily consigning the joke to a shallow, unmarked grave. “It was very amusing,” she offered after a moment of thought, placing a metaphorical lone flower of polite consolation on the burial mound.

There was a pregnant pause, which gave birth to an awkward silence (the awkward silence grew rapidly and tried to make it on its own as a thoughtful brooding, but quickly ending up moving back in with its parents because have you seen the cost of rent these days?).

Celestia, realizing that no response was forthcoming, decided to break the silence yet again. She nodded at the other diners and the busy wait staff, who had apparently decided that they didn’t exist. “So, would you care to explain how come no one seems to be really noticing us? I would have expected at least a few comments, or even some strange glances.”

THE MINDS OF MORTALS ARE CURIOUS THINGS, Death intoned. THEY SPEND THEIR WHOLE LIVES IGNORING THE REALITY AROUND THEM AND SUBSTITUTING IT WITH THEIR OWN THOUGHTS, THE ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH AND A MAGICAL PONY PRINCESS BARELY REGISTER WITH THEM. THERE ARE NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS; THE MAGICALLY INCLINED, FOR EXAMPLE, SUCH AS WITCHES AND WIZARDS. AND CATS. I LIKE CATS. THE MAJORITY OF MORTALS INSTEAD FILL THEIR LIVES WITH NEEDLESS COMPLICATIONS. He gestured to the array of cutlery in front of Him that less resembled eating utensils and more closely resembled a torturer’s tool rack. SEVEN DIFFERENT FORKS? NINE DIFFERENT SPOONS? A MINIATURE HAMMER? He raised an odd-looking utensil that looked like forceps from a surgical theater. AND WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS EVEN IS?

“Zat is ze pinces à escargots, m’sieur,” a passing waiter whispered, then walked away with the expression of somebody who is wondering why they are talking to themselves.

“Well, he seemed to notice us,” Celestia observed.

REFLEX, Death remarked. INGRAINED FROM YEARS OF RESPONDING TO THE SAME QUESTION, THE BODY NOW RESPONDS WITHOUT EVEN REQUIRING THE INTERVENTION OF THE BRAIN. Death nodded approvingly. YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE A PROFESSIONAL. He went back to examining the cutlery piece by piece.

A sudden realization clicked into place for Celestia. She reached a hoof across the table and, ignoring the chill that emanated from him, placed it upon his bony hand. “It’s okay, I understand,” she said calmly. “This is your first time using the website, isn’t it? First date jitters, am I correct?”

Death let out a sigh between his teeth, because he didn’t have much choice in the matter. CELESTIA, I’M AFRAID THAT I MUST APOLOGIZE, AND CONFESS TO AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE FOR BRINGING YOU HERE.

Celestia couldn’t help herself; her gaze immediately flicked to that horrifically beautiful scythe, watching as random motes of dust flared out of existence as they annihilated themselves against a blade edge sharper than the crack of breaking ice to someone traversing a frozen lake in the dead of winter. If Death noticed, he did not comment.

I MUST CONFESS THAT I AM NOT YOUR DATE FOR THIS EVENING, Death continued.

Celestia’s eyes snapped back to stare into the near-empty sockets of Death. “You’re not?” she asked, obviously puzzled. “Then who is?”

Something warm and slightly wet blew into her ear. Celestia spun around to behold a horse —nay, a stallion—beside her. The milky white coat that covered the rolling muscle of his body almost glowed with a luminescent realness that seemed to cause the rest of the room to fade into the background. He was the very epitome of a stallion; primitive humans of the Disc had carved the likeness of his ancestors into chalk cliffs and into cave walls out of respect. He nickered at Celestia.

PRINCESS CELESTIA, MEET BINKY, MY STEED. BINKY, MEET PRINCESS CELESTIA.

Celestia’s jaw sagged slightly at the sight of this horse, this Binky. “I, uh,” she managed. He was definitely one hundred percent—she looked again—make that one hundred and ten percent, pure stallion.

Binky reached around to the table behind him and with his teeth relieved the diners of their salads, the table of it’s floral centerpiece, and one of the clientele of her corsage. He dropped it on the tablecloth in front of Celestia and nudged it forward with a gentle whinny.

Celestia stared at the collection of greenery and petals.

I’M AFRAID THAT HE’S HAD SOMEWHAT OF AN ATTRACTION TO YOU EVER SINCE HE SAW YOUR ‘PROFILE’ ON THAT HEX DEVICE AT UNSEEN UNIVERSITY, Death explained, oblivious to Celestia’s current lack of coherence. HOWEVER, NOT BEING IMMORTAL, MERELY LONG-LIVED WHILE IN MY SERVICE, BINKY DOES NOT MEET THE CRITERIA OF THE DATING SERVICE. HE WAS SO INFATUATED, IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO TO SIGN UP IN HIS STEAD AND GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MEET YOU.

“Buh,” Celestia blurted.

AND NOW, Death stood, gathering up his scythe and pulling his robe and cloak about him. THE DUTY CALLS. He reached into a pocket and pulled out two odd-looking hourglasses; there was very little sand left in the top bulb of each, and it was decreasing by the moment. Celestia imagined that she could almost hear a gentle hiss of falling sand and noticed something inscribed in the base of each hourglass; it looked like names. Death examined each hourglass carefully. LOOKS LIKE A NATURAL CAUSES IN THE SHADES, AND A DRUNKEN HIPPOPOTAMUS IN HOWONDALAND. He carefully placed the hourglasses back in His pocket and turned to Celestia and Binky. YOU TWO CRAZY KIDS HAVE FUN. He tilted His head and one of the tiny blue stars in the inky depths of the eye sockets briefly dimmed and flared back into brightness. Celestia realized with horrible clarity that Death was winking. I WON’T WAIT UP.

As Death turned and strode away, a small, dark shape scurried from the restaurant kitchen, scrambling up Death’s robes and onto His shoulder. Celestia saw a large, skeletal rat, dressed in similar attire to Death, with a tiny scythe clutched in its bony jaws. It removed the scythe and stared at Celestia with tiny blue star-like eyes. SQUEAK, it offered, as the pair passed through the restaurant walls as if they offered no more resistance than shadow.

Celestia turned her gaze back to Binky, who was surreptitiously trying to nuzzle up next to her. She shrugged to herself.

“So, Binky... do you dine here often?”

---

Princess Luna pause her game and levitated away her headset. There it was again; an unsteady clip-clop-clip of somepony trying—and failing—to sneak past her bedroom door. She peered out her window where the sky was rosy with the first kiss of dawn’s light. Luna grinned broadly and strode to the door, flinging it open with a crash.

“And what time do we call this, young lady?!” Luna exclaimed in her best Royal Canterlot Voice.

Princess Celestia pause mid-sneak, a guilty expression pinned to her face. “Luna, I…” she began.

Luna took in Celestia’s disheveled appearance and slightly unsteady stance, and her grin widened. “Oh-ho-ho!” she chuckled. “We know a Trot of Shame when we see one!”

A blush crept across Celestia’s face, the bright pink in her cheeks mirroring the sunrise outside. “Luna, please…”

“So, La Grande Mort provided a bit of La Petite Mort, did he?” Luna teased, waggling her eyebrows.

Celestia’s blush deepened. “Just… Luna, please be quiet!”

“I thought you preferred them with a bit more meat on their bones, but it seems that he was meaty enough in the right places.”

“Luna, please shut up; before you wake up everypony in the castle!” Celestia hissed, racing over to cram a hoof in her sister’s mouth.

Luna evaded the out-thrust hoof. “Sister,” she asked, nose wrinkling. “Why do you smell of stallion?”

There was a muffled thump behind them. Both sisters’ heads swiveled to face the open door of the guest bedroom; there Deadpool, attired in knee-length nightshirt and pointed nightcap and clutching a plush pony that greatly resembled a certain white alicorn, had slumped to the floor.

“NOOOOO!” he exclaimed in despair. He raised his head to the sky and hugged the plushie to his chest, eyes closed as if in pain. “Betrayed by my own waifu!”

Celestia buried her face in a hoof. “Why me?”

“I shall forgive you, my Princess,” Deadpool declaimed dramatically. “My love for you burns brighter than the sun itself!”

Solaire poked his helmed head out from the doorway of a second guest room. “Did I hear somebody mention the Sun?” he asked hopefully.

Celestia rounded on Luna. “You gave him a guest room? Why in the name of Equestria did you give him a guest room?”

Luna gave a nonchalant shrug. “It seemed the hospitable thing to do. We needed a fourth for bridge, and you were out on your date; and the games did go rather late… or early, as the case may be.”

Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “Wait a moment—a fourth? Who is the third?”

On cue, the guest bathroom door opened in a cloud of steam. Discord, towel wrapped about his waist and shower cap upon his head, strolled out of the bathroom whistling a merry tune. “Bathroom’s free!” he cheerily exclaimed, holding up a rubber ducky and squeaking it for emphasis. He winked suggestively at Celestia. “Though from what I heard Luna say, I think Ms. Eau de Roll-in-the-Hay has next dibs.” Producing a square yellow bath sponge, he placed it on the tip of Celestia’s horn. “Ta-ta, folks!” he waved at Solaire and Deadpool as he strolled past, trailing a cloud of soap bubbles.

Celestia’s eyes rolled up to glare at the sponge balanced precariously on the end of her horn. “What has my life come to?”

Author's Note:

With all apologies to Sir Terry Pratchett.

Guest chapter written by the pretentiously perilous yet perfectly perverted The Ponytrician. Go check him out if you enjoyed this chapter!

Comments

[ParadigmShift]

...Oh, if only Blinky was immortal...

EDIT:

*Binky

I think i'm going insane.

[Harmony Charmer]

Dear Lord, yes. Sooner or later, the castle is going to be filled to the brim with Tia's dates!

[King Kenya]

I am literally quivering with joy. This is genius. Ponytrician, you have outdone yourself! I didn't think of Binky originally, but oh it's Brilliant! I am going to pour myself a large whisky to toast this masterwork. And once I've done that, I'm just going to sit here and bask in the sheer marvellousness of this chapter.

[Lag Incarnate]

Solaire poked his helmed head out from the doorway of a second guest room. “Did I hear somebody mention the Sun?” he asked hopefully.

YES! That makes me so happy.

[1eragon33]

Herobrine, Respawning!Steve and/or Notch please

[RainingDashReborn]

[Mr Skeleton]

This was very sweet Still... I would have loved to see this guy instead:
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120105205610/bleachfanfiction/images/2/24/Darksiders_2_death_by_thegameworld-d3n0p75.jpg
They have so much in common

[tylerlego623]

I vote Khan from Metro.

I refuse to believe he is mortal.

[Toric]

Aizen on parole from bleach?
Or once again, Elvis?

[Tatsurou]

Okay, I have to admit that was perfect! The set up felt flawless to a Discworld novel, and the explanation had me nearly laughing aloud.

Although to be honest, until it was actually in the restaurant, I thought Celestia's date was A'Tuin.

[Dirty Bit]

[SOLAIRE has joined the party!]

Death was funny, and the twist even moreso

Does this mean that Solaire is a regular second to Deadpool?

[lunarstallion]

...

[Chaotic Note]

so they did the thing?

[RainbowBob]

4462762
I LITERALLY CAN'T STOP SUCKING—wait, no, this isn't reddit.
I can't stop adding side characters!

[Dirty Bit]

4462815 No shame whatsoever.

This merely adds to the fun and the perpetual pandemonium that plagues our pretty pony princess protagonist poorly...

[Razalon The Lizardman]

I would say this is a bit of a cheat, but then again I wouldn't care who Celestia was dating so long as the chapter's funny, which this one most certainly was.

~The lizardman is still thinking of writing a third guest chapter

[ImpossibleReflection]

4461236
I know where it's from, that's why I commented on it. It is also one of my favorites.
Ever watch the Maker?

[dadab22]

I love how Deadpool and Solare are engage in jolly co-operation.

[SpinelStride]

Binkylestia? I can ship it. Not being immortal, he can't really be her long-term solution, and he's only long-lived as long as he stays in Death's service - which means not having a whole lot of time to go dating Celestia. Still, it's nice to see her have a date actually work out well for once, and make a friend.

[The Nightmare has Come]

That was priceless!!! Terry Pratchett all the way!!!
P.S. Binky and Celestia, I ship it!

[Wroth]

4463029

I'm pretty sure if he asked, Deadpool would gladly become Grossly Incandescent alongside him.

[FanOfMostEverything]

You can always count on the Discworld to be enjoyable and bizarre. Excellently done, Ponytrician.

4462579
And then Pinkie sets up Celestia with one of her sisters.

[ParadigmShift]

4463113 ....Oh god.

What if..

WHAT IF BINKY IS A MEMBER OF THE PIE FAMILY!?

[King Kenya]

4463157

It's been done my dear chap, and it's a Cracker!

Binky Pie by Miyajima

[FanOfMostEverything]

4463157
My boy, it's time to acquaint yourself with one of the classics of Fimfiction...

[ParadigmShift]

4463172
4463171

..That was kinda the reference...

That aside, imagine Celly's face when she realized that she slept with a member of the pie family...

Probably unprotected...A pregnancy scare..... Poor Celly would have a heart attack.

[King Kenya]

4463211

Sorry, irony is very hard to recognise in all-caps.
It would be mildly terrifying wouldn't it? Especially as that story says he's already married to Granny Pie. My god.... she'd give birth to Pinkie Pie's AUNT....

replygif.net/i/635.gif

[Necrogen Lord]

PRAISE THE SUN!

[PhysicsInvers342]

This keeps getting better with every chapter.

[Samurai_Shippo]

I need to go read diskworld now.

[Silver Page]

Let me just say that I loved this quest chapter. Terry Pratchet is one of my favorite authors, and I love all his books. Keep up the good work!

[FanOfMostEverything]

4463211
Sorry. Insincerity is hard to detect in text.

[Diamond Sparkle]

Poor Celestia, no true immortal love for her.

[dark stories]

How about Charles Ofdenson?
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080908224816/metalocalypse/images/2/26/Charles_Ofdensen.jpg

[SwimmingDalek98]

… I think I've lost my mind...

[frostfiresnow]

4463157

I knew that name sounded familar.

[MrAskAPirate]

toplel
For some reason this reminds me of that one quest from Guild Wars,

[Changeling-Drone]

hmmmm *smirks* chrysalis in disguise

One of the voices in deadpool's head

[The Ponytrician]

4462600
You're too kind, and most welcome. Thank you for providing the spark that ignited this idea.

4462753
The problem with a date with Great A'Tuin is that about a year would have passed by the time s/he got around to ordering an entrée...

4462887
The "bit of a cheat" is the idea that got me to write this story. I knew that a Discworld Death chapter had to be written at some point, but the problem I had was that Death seems to be more fascinated by humans than he would be by ponies. Binky, on the other hand hoof... what better favour can the Pale Rider do for His noble steed? And regular readers of Discworld know that Death isn't afraid to bend the rules on occasion.

4463031
I though it would nice to have a date go reasonably well for a change, if not quite in the direction that Celestia expected. Binky is best pony. Binklestia OTP.

4463455
Yes. Yes, you do.

4463618
If I see it in my travels, I'll try to point it back in your direction.

[BlueNinja]

hastily consigning the joke to a shallow, unmarked grave.

Oh, now that was well done.

... if the stallion is named Binky ... did Celestia spend all night with him in her mouth?

[Tatsurou]

4463912
That's the humor of it. Celestia sits down at the table and asks a question. Waits for an answer. Repeat until she gets bored and leaves. A'Tuin finally answers the question.

As far as a Binklestia pairing...ironic, since my favorite MLP/Discworld crossover on the site has Binky as Pinkie Pie's grandfather, explaining her crazy warping abilities.

[SwimmingDalek98]

4463912 Oh, trust me, that f*cker's LONG gone by now. He'll come back when he's ready. Until then I normally sit back and watch anime… or wait until more story updates on my faves list...

[Tomsketchit]

...
Hitchhiker's Guide
Discworld
All I need is someone from Xanth and I shall be complete.

Oh! Maybe the Demon Xanth himself even!

[RK_74]

That was awesome, amazing, just wow
A toast to the writer
Binky who doesn't age while in death's service and can literally go anywhere in any dimension
The best match yet

[meerkat8472]

YES! Celestia finally got some!

[M1Garand8]

Celestia’s eyes rolled up to glare at the sponge balanced precariously on the end of her horn. “What has my life come to?”

RainbowBob happened, duh.

[Smurf]

Terry Pratchet would be proud!

[Indigo Steel]

BRILLIANT! I loved this chapter!
I, too, was reminded of Binky Pie

[Wasabi-beans]

BINKY!! BINKY!!!!

[Wasabi-beans]

Is this actually a date gone right?

Is this ACTUALLY a date gone right???