Chapter 16: Geez Louise! That's Your Name, Right?
Celestia glanced at the clock on the restaurant wall. Half past nine. When her date was supposed to meet her at eight. Sighing, Celestia pressed her face against the table and groaned loudly. “Great, just great, another night down the drain for a no-show date!”
“Madame princess?” a waiter asked, appearing by her side.
Celestia didn’t bother lifting her head up. “Unless you’re gonna offer me another bottle of wine, I’m not in the mood for more dessert.”
“It is not that.” The waiter placed a plate before her, a golden lamp of foreign origin sitting on top. “Your date said for you to rub this.”
“Rub it?” Celestia asked, picking the lamp up with her magic. “Like, with my hoof?”
“He slipped me a twenty. I’m not about to ask why he wants you to rub it.” And with that, the waiter departed, leaving Celestia and her very strange lamp alone at the table.
Inspecting the lamp closer, Celestia narrowed her eyes as her obscured reflection off its bright and shiny surface. “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” Celestia tapped her chin. “Oh yeah, because I’m not a complete and utter moron.” Yet still, she had nothing better to do, and if nothing else it would hopefully reveal the contrived reason for why her date didn’t show up. “The hindsight is gonna bite me hard on the ass, I just know it,” Celestia muttered, rubbing the lamp gingerly with her hoof.
As soon as she rubbed it, a large blue… thing shot out of the top. With a curvy beard and a long wispy tail, Celestia’s date appeared to be the person she least expected to meet on a date. “Helloooo there!” He greeted, sinking down into the chair on the other end of the table. “I see that my good friend was on time with his delivery, was he not?”
“You’re an hour and thirty minutes late,” Celestia pointed out. “And your good friend swindled you out of twenty bits.”
“What?” The blue creature’s eyebrows literally shot off his head. “But I told him to be here right on time!” A watch popped onto his wrist as he gave it a meaningful eye. “Gah! You’re right! So sorry about that, Princess.” The watched poofed out of existence. “My name’s Genie, but you can call me ‘Gene’ if you like.”
“That’s quite alright… Gene.” Celestia finished off the last of her wine in her glass, having not even bothered to keep count on how many she consumed. The hangover was going to be a killer one, this she was sure of, but that was future Celestia’s problem. “Sorry I’m not in the best of moods. I thought you had stuck me up.”
“What? Me?” Genie asked, pointing a thumb at his chest, suddenly causing hundreds of random hands to point at him. He snapped, and the hands disappeared. “That’’s like denyin’ a wish, I can’t do that!”
“So, you’re an actual genie?” Celestia asked, a small smile parting her lips. “Kind of weird to be named after what you are, don’t you think?”
Genie shrugged nonchalantly. “One thousand years in the Cave of Wonders can make anybody forget their real name, wouldn’t you agree?”
“You were in a… wait, no, I’m not even going to ask,” Celestia said, shuddering. “The only guy I know who’s been trapped in a prison for a thousand years and still managed to remember his name was Discord, but he’s already so loony I’m not sure how his mind works now.”
“Ah!” A large computer monitor appeared, showing a long row of comments. “This is where I mention the academy, right? Bring some continuity into this story, maybe give the readers a slight giggle?”
“Wha—”
“Wrong!” Genie screamed into a megaphone knocking the Princess’ drink over. “I actually met him at an ice cream parlor when I still did the whole ‘three wishes’ gig. He just asked for complete control over some weird place called Equestria, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say yes?”
“You gave a complete stranger you just met at an ice cream parlor control over a place you’ve never even heard of?” Celestia asked slowly. “And he’s your friend?”
“Of course I gave him complete authoritarian control!” Genie laughed at the memory. “I mean, it’s not like I would ever go on a date with their ruler or anything. He actually said something like…” Genie’s head turned into Discord’s as he tried to do an impression of the chaos spirit.
“Help me dethrone that stuck up, boring, unattractive, fat, smelly, princess…” Genie slowly realized what he was saying. His head popped back to normal, cautiously eying Celestia’s enraged expression. “... Oh.” After a very uncomfortable silence, he spoke again, “Yeah, and we’re friends.”
Celestia took a deep breath in, then released it in a long exhale. Looking disappointingly at her empty wine glass, Celestia frowned. “Well… that certainly explains a lot. And yeah, looks like hindsight was right once again.” Celestia’s brows furrowed. “That cruel, heartless bitch.”
“Oh!” Genie’s enthusiasm seemed to snap right back to him. “He called you that too.”
“Oooooof course he did.” Celestia rubbed her temples and groaned. “Well, this date sure did a number on my already building migraine tonight. Wonderful.”
“Hey,” Genie floated over to Celestia. “Discord, Q, and I were thinking about hanging out in Las Pegasus this weekend, want to meet us there?”
“... Will there be free drinks?”
Genie snapped, a tray of all sorts of alcohols appearing on the table. “Your wish is granted.”
Celestia stared at the tray of free booze, then back at Genie, than back to the tray again. Shrugging, Celestia picked up a gin and tonic and started guzzling it all down at once. “Hindsight can kiss my ass!”
“Yo, Luna, phone for ya,” Deadpool called out, throwing Luna’s cellphone up in the air.
Luna caught it in her magical grip, sticking some more popcorn in her mouth as she answered in a muffled, “Hello?”
“Luna, I need your help!” Celestia said on the other side of the line.
Luna gulped, wiping away some buttery residue on her coat. “Is this the type of help that involves me picking you up somewhere from an unknown location out in the middle of nowhere? Because I’m trying to catch up on Breaking Bad and I’m on the final season.”
“Luna, this is important! Is some television show more important than your own flesh and blood?”
Luna hummed under her breath, taking her sweet time to think over her answer.
“LUNA!”
Wincing and pulling her phone away, Luna said, “Fine, fine, I’ll come pick you up. I’m nearly at the final episode anyhow.”
“He dies at the end!” Deadpool shouted from inside the kitchen, walking into the living room with a fat stack of sandwiches joined together in a giant, snack-food entity of monstrous proportions.
Luna picked Deadpool up in her magic and promptly threw him out the nearby window, sandwich and all.
Groaning and shaking her head, Luna asked, “Okay, you mind telling me where you are?”
“I’m not exactly sure. One second I was with Discord, Genie, and Q partying it up in Las Pegasus, next thing I know I woke up laying on the floor in the worst hangover you could possibly imagine with a live manticore in the room and a tattoo on my rump!”
“Don’t you already have a tattoo on your rump?”
“Not one where there’s a troll face on my sun!”
Luna tried her best attempt at holding back a snicker, but couldn’t control herself as she burst out laughing. “Oh man, are you serious? How in Tartarus’ name did that happen?”
“I’m not quite sure, but I am sure that I’ll never go on another date with Genie again!” Celestia said. “Him, Discord, Q, the lot of them! All the same stuck-up jerks or lunatics!”
“You should really try branching out more, dear sister,” Luna pointed out to her.
Celestia huffed. “With immortals, that’s practically impossible!”
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FOR REAL.
Just... Lulz. That's all. Lulz.
Sad, but true. Most immortals are either insane, or jerks, and the decent ones don't use dating websites.
I had a feeling of where this was going after "rub this", which can sound horrible out of context. That also explains how Discord inexplicably took over everything. But seriously, Celestia really needs to screen out alumni from Chaos Academy. Or at least cross-reference anyone Discord had an adventure with.
Me: "Is it who I think it is!? Is it Genie!?"
*keeps reading*
~The lizardman is a happy reptile
Sorry Bob, but I didn't like this one. Probably because, unlike everyone you have done so far, Genie is VERY out of character here, unless you were going with the trickster that it was in the original Arabian Nights, rather than the Disney version. Then I could see it, somewhat. The original was less of a trickster, and more just greedy.
60s spiderman
Why no jack harkness?
If I don't get him soon this will happen 
quickmeme.com/img/ff/ffe5c7ee56c853504e660185a71ce21ee1819f83080ad56bb685867490dcfcf9.jpg
I can't believe I haven't suggested my #1 sun-bro, Solaire of Astora, yet! If you haven't played Dark Souls, I can give a quick rundown of his story or a quick google search would turn up plenty to work off of. Plus, his immortality is handled in a fairly interesting way. The idea of a warrior who literally worships the sun and whose main reason for living is to gain a sun of his own going on a date with the princess of the sun sounds hilarious.
Praise the Sun!
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/006/b/7/praise_the_celestia_by_romaniz-d4lhtsm.jpg
4396288 Lizardman, you wouldn't happen to know another of your kind named Aeon, would you?
4396380 I have no idea who that is, so no.
~The lizardman isn't really a social person, don'tcha know
4396393 Oh, well he's the Lizard man from Soul Calibur and I was wondering if you could explain is seemingly random sprouting of bird wings on occasion.
4396354
Picture failed to load for me, but I'm 99.260879% sure that we have the same ideology involving jack harkness and this story.
Ah, Aladdin.
images.wikia.com/megamitensei/images/archive/1/1a/20080816042106!Igor.jpg
Im just sayin...it would be interesting, date in the Velvet Room with Igor.
4396354 Same! I was just saying...
I'm still going to say that either Connor MacCleod or Capt. Jack Harkness would be good for this story...
4396374 1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/tg/image/1337/83/1337835972957.png
4396403 Darn right!
4396623 fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/336/5/e/sunbros_sr_by_savagesparrow-d6wiav9.jpg
Mysterion. Or Kenny. From South Park. My god would that be awesome!
4396654 It's dangerous to go alone, take this!
cdn3.vox-cdn.com/entry_photo_images/9423969/White_Sign_Soapstone.jpg
4396803 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;" -Psalm 23:4 (presumed to refer to Solaire of Astora)
So I'm guessing this isn't Disney Genie? This seems more like the original version of him.
4396725
Princess Kenny!
4396803
I can never hear those words the same way again.
4396964 Let's take it a step further, lets get the New Kid form the Stick of Truth in here, I don't care if he's mortal!
Totally either Gabriel or Castiel from Supernatural!!! I'm going Gabriel, though, as he loves sweets and is a Trickster. Would fit well into your theme, wouldn't he?
Hmm.. Sun Wukong!! The Monkey God himself!!
Oooh, and Sleipnir!! Loki's eight-legged horse-son!! Not Odinson, Horse-son!!
Oh, about Hellboy? Not sure if he's immortal, but he's cool.
Did I mention Superman yet?
and... Discord?
Oh, how about Sombra, but forced to dress up like the alternate universe Sombra! It'll make Tia so happy!
lord death from soul eater!
Would still want the Chosen undead from dark souls or the Monarch (player character) from dark souls 2.
4397003 0:50-1:15 my favorite part. XD
4397353 been done
Why not solaire he is inmortal,right?
4397160
Wait... another Sleipnir supporter? YESYESYESYESYES!
Seriously though, Sleipnir please? As a promising possibility, who would be a great coltfriend except that he's away all the time, so Celestia doesn't just decide to give up on dating and, y'know, EVERYTHING.
P.S. If there is Sleipnir, he'd better be the kind of stallion who'd satisfy Rarity's dearest dreams.
Hmmm... Next time, Celestia should go out with:
1- Arceus
2- Captain Jack Harkness
3- Abridged!Alucard
4- Vandal Savage
5- Hades
6- King Kai
7- Mr. Immortal
8- Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged
Ancalagon the Black, the largest dragon in Lord of The Rings.
37.media.tumblr.com/26048bda43f721c1ad5684341977538f/tumblr_n1chzpAKzt1tofk3no5_1280.jpg
Make it happen.
Captain Jack Harkness- Some how ending with her and Luna waking up in the same bed no Jack in sight.
Sleipnir pls.
Sleipnir Sleipnir Sleipnir Sleipnir Sleipnir
Sleipnir
Still waiting for my three...
But maybe they won't appear.
Nostalgia critic: A man who had a chance to join the real world, but threw his life away to save the very people he liked and hated. He sucked up a giant plot hole that could destroy his world. Becoming one with it, he was flung into purgatory where he slowly forgot who he was. Than pulled back into the world to help save it again. Before all of that, he was a mortal man, who reviewed the worst movies ever. Slowly his world took on a different view. With time-travel and dimensions opening up. He became a king only to be defeated by his teammates and forced to give up the title. Becoming a banished king and saving them from the plot-hole. Now he has meet the devil and babysat for him. Has meet santichrist and become friends. While dealing with unknown dangers and new powers. As he reviews even more terrifying movies. As an immortal who carries a powerful 45 and has the ability to destroy cities. He is one powerful Anti-hero who can not die. Because he is and will forever be a plot hole.
Duncon McCloud from highlanders: and immortal unless another immortal chops his head of and claims his power.
Clockwork: The wise and powerful ghost of time. He has a student and ward that he watches over named Danny phantom. That would be funny if twilight and him meet. Because Danny would drive her nuts. Being laid back yet still being able to maintain and intelligent level of knowledge. Where she actually works for it.
I could only hope, but I feel it will be crushed.
4397991 Okay, first: this.
Second: Epona(can't go wrong with a fertility god)
Third: Twilight Sparkle because its not an addiction I can quit Twilestia anytime I want
4396374
I mentioned it fiiiiiiiirst...
Top 3 I want to see
1: Madara from Naruto
2: Death from Discworld
3: Alucard from Hellsing Abridged
4397512 I won't be surprised if Sleipnir satisfies EVERYPONY'S dearest dreams...
...
...
and wet ones too.
Before I read, what season is the spoiler from?
4398824
The only one that matters.
The last!
4398748
Well, he's practically an eight-legged, half deity version of Big Mac. Plus, Asgardian heritage tempered by a lower position = very regal but still humble.
I'm pretty sure Robin Williams is the avatar of some chaos god or another.
In any case, all this talk of hindsight makes me want to see Celestia date Prometheus. Though the whole "stole fire from the sun" thing might be a touchy subject, to say nothing of his nephew...
Regardless, looking forward to more. (Also, you may want to look over the previous chapter. There's a lot of awkward phrasing there.)
We're all waiting for Captain Jack Harkness. Or the Doctor.
4398964
Yeah, I need to get back from my editor. Usually I get the chapters edited after I post them, since the tight updating schedule doesn't leave me enough time to do so right when I finish.