Chapter 26: Back In Jack (Part 2)
“Well, that certainly was the strangest form of time travel I’ve been through,” Harkness muttered under his breath. “And that’s saying something.”
“For me, it doesn’t even rank in the top ten,” Deadpool said, following Harkness out of the portapotty.
Solaire was the next to walk out, some toilet paper stuck to the heel of his foot. “Do you guys happen to have any hand sanitizer on you per chance?”
Deadpool opened up one of the countless pockets attached to his utility belt and pulled out a small bottle, passing it to Solaire. “If you need wipes, it’s the third pocket to the left of my groin.”
“How did you even get a functioning time traveling device, much less one in a portapotty?” Harkness asked.
“Craigslist,” Deadpool answered, adjusting his tie as he sauntered down the brightly lit road in Canterlot.
Harkness arched a brow, a wry smile on his face. “You can’t be serious.”
“It was either that or eBay.” Deadpool leaned close to Harkness and whispered, “And truth be told, I don’t trust that site after the dead Bigfoot body I bought turned out to be a gorilla costume full of grinded up cow intestines.”
“Ever try Amazon?” Harkness asked.
Deadpool shrugged. “Eh, their shipping rates are too rich for my blood. Especially when you try to buy blood on that site. Outright outrageous prices for virgin blood, I tells ya, and then it turns out it wasn’t virgin blood in the first place!”
Harkness was struggling to hold back a laugh, his shoulders visibly shaking. “How’d you find that out?”
“Damn Dracula didn’t blow up when I performed that blood ritual,” Deadpool replied. His masked eyes narrowed and he tapped his chin. “Although, on the other hand, it did give him a nasty case of the flu and my sword impaling him through the throat, so I guess you win some and kill some.”
Harkness shook his head slightly, then patted Deadpool on the shoulder in a playful manner. “Deadpool, I must admit, you definitely have something interesting to say all the time.”
“It’s the all the time part that seems to irk some people,” Solaire said behind the pair. “Why, I remember Mistress Luna being greatly disgruntled one time over a game of Scrabble when Deadpool here kept on insisting that ‘quone’ was a word, even when the dictionary proved otherwise.”
“I still say it’s an actual word, language professors be damned!”
“Wow, you guys sure do mention this Mistress Luna often enough,” Harkness said, wiggling his eyebrows. “So, to which of you is she the girlfriend of?”
“I believe the correct term in this world is marefriend,” Solaire said. He then pointed to Deadpool. “As for her suitor, that would be none other than Deadpool himself.”
“Just for tonight, that is!” Deadpool quickly intervened, turning to the two with his hands held up. “We’re not serious, okay.”
Solaire nodded. “Oh right. Mistress Ce—”
Deadpool flicked his finger against Solaire’s helmet, causing the warrior of the sun to stagger as his helmet shook uncontrollably from the vibrations.
As Solaire struggled to not fall to his knees as he tried to hold his helmet still, Deadpool threw his arm over Harkness’ shoulder and drew him close, picking up their pace. “Anyway, for tonight’s date, I’m stuck with Luna, Solaire here gets Twilight, the new girl, and you, you lucky dog, get the biggest prize of the lot: Celestia herself.”
“Well, if future me thought she was worth the hassle to chase after, then she must be some prime dating material.” Harkness pulled down his collar and smoothed out his shirt. “So, what can you tell me about this Celestia girl? She the usual royalty type?”
“Well, she has better teeth than the usual, I can tell you that.” Deadpool spotted the restaurant directly before them, and then started dragging Harkness to the entrance as fast as he could. “Also, she’s funny, witty, smart, playful, beautiful, bodacious, attractive, curvy, pretty, princessy, elegant, magnificent, voluptuous, luscious, and most of all, horny. When you have a mare over a thousand years old holding onto so much pent up energy while on the throne, you better believe she’ll be all over you!”
“A mare?” Harkness inquired.
“Ponies, man, and she’s the princess of them.”
Harkness grinned, his smile only widening as Deadpool threw open the doors of the restaurant. “Well, good thing this isn’t my first rodeo.”
“Well, well, sister, looks like you’ve lost the bet,” Luna said, her head turning to the front door just as Deadpool and Harkness burst through into the room.
“Don’t count your winnings yet, Luna. The date isn’t even over yet,” Celestia reminded her.
Deadpool quickly made a run to the trio’s table, dragging Harkness all the way. Eventually Solaire entered the restaurant as well, staggering about like a drunk as he held onto his helmet closely.
“Sorry we’re late, ladies,” Deadpool said breathlessly, slumping into his chair directly before Luna in their booth. “You know how congested time traveling can get at this hour.”
“Oh please, don’t be, we’re just glad the three of you made it,” Twilight said, her eagerness having to make up for the other two. Luna just stared dully at Deadpool, her deadpan expression the only thing she needed to convey her true feelings about her date’s tardy, while Celestia was too focused at watching her wine slosh around in her cup.
Solaire was the last to join the group, falling into the booth alongside Harkness and pinning him against Deadpool.
“Easy, fellas, easy,” Harkness said, scooting forward so that he wasn’t crushed. “It’s always been my dream to get pinned between two handsome gentlemen, one of who is fresh out of Comic-Con and the other from a larping tournament, but we have ladies present.” He looked to Twilight and winked, holding out his hand. “Speaking of which, hey there, I’m Captain Jack Harkness.”
“Yo, Romeo, your date is right there,” Deadpool whispered, pointing to Celestia.
Harkness looked to Celestia and smirked, crossing his other hand over his first one to shake with her and Twilight. “And hello there, Celestia, isn’t it? I’m Captain Jack Harkness.”
Solaire looked to Harkness leaning over the table, then shrugged. He held out his hand to Twilight. “Fair greetings, maiden of the time between day and night. I am Solaire of Astora, a Knight of Sunlight.”
Twilight smiled uneasily at both Solaire’s and Harkness’ hands presented to her. “Um… Solaire, I already know who you are.”
“I’m just doing it to fit in,” Solaire whispered. “Please don’t make this anymore awkward than it needs to be.”
“And I’m Deadpool, ‘The Merc with a Mouth!” Deadpool shouted, jumping atop the table and catching the attention of many of the restaurant guests.
“I think you meant ‘The Merc with Only a Mouth’,” Luna muttered under her breath. “And for pete’s sake, get off the table, ponies are starting to stare.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I get it all the time,” Harkness said with a hearty chuckle. He winked at Celestia, holding his hands behind his head. “Not that there’s anything wrong with watching, of course. In fact, watch to your heart’s content.”
Celestia merely rolled her eyes, taking another sip of her wine.
Solaire leaned across their booth, holding a hand over his mouth area of his helmet and whispering, “Deadpool, what do we do now? Celestia is sinking further and further into depression. How exactly are you going to save this date?”
“Through ingenuity,” Deadpool whispered back. He pulled out a remote from his pocket, pressed the big red button, then slyly withdrew it back. “Also, in about five minutes, a favor that’s finally going to be paid off.”
“What type of favor?”
“The one that keeps you from getting canceled,” Deadpool replied. Raising his glass, Deadpool burst out, “And to get this date started, I propose a toast! To good fortune!”
Solaire, Twilight, and Harkness were the only ones who were genuinely cheerful about raising up their glasses for the toast, while Celestia just finished the remainders of hers off as Luna stared at Deadpool with annoyed glare.
“Also, just wanted to be sure, no one has any peanut allergies here, right?” Deadpool asked. When the group collectively shook their head, he got back into his seat, clapping his hands into excitement. “Ah, good, I’d just hate for that to ruin our night for the next five minutes.”
“Five minutes?” Luna asked.
“Actually, probably four by now.” Deadpool looked to the ceiling, humming a light-hearted tune under his breath. “Perhaps three and a half, I just have a terrible sense of time.”
“Oh, by the gods, it is going to be the ceiling,” Celestia muttered while dragging a hoof across her face. “In hindsight, I should have bet more!”
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I don't even know what's happening!!
And. I. Love it.!
I say Celestia should date RainbowBob, because only a god has the capacity to write a comedy of this magnitude.
I wonder if Future!Jack is ever gonna show up later on.
Sooooon. Also, Harkness's charms not working? What blasphemy is this?!
As to suggestions, Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. "So you're not immortal?" "No, just really bored with thursdays"
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
4548438 In Bob's defense, Jack never managed to charm the Doctor
Exist a list of the people Celestia already dated?
Also... Have to be a Male?
4548414 she already did
Let's hope it's not the Kool-Aid Man.
She dated Prince Solaris? (her male version of a alternate dimension)
Of for the love of....
4548544 eeyup
Dome fossil dome fossil!
Or Arceus
4548428 My guess is that we're about to head into the magical land of Paradoxia, where time paradoxes are a way of life to the point of being as important for survival as water or air.
Begin countdown.
Nope. It's going to be the floor.
4548549 What were you expecting?
4548544 Nah, they figured out that they were the same pony before anything regretful could happen.
4548549
I'm sorry, I just had to.
We're not even five minutes in and we're going to have a guest! Maybe they'll bring THEIR date and it could be a quadruple date! Might need a bigger booth though, it's getting cramped already and I doubt the princesses are keen on shrinking spells.
4548744
I'm still betting breadsticks, you can't go wrong with breadsticks.
Nightmare moon goes on a date with Freddy cruger
4548514
Jack and 9th totally kissed! D: Shhh.
4548803 I still think that it counted as just masterbation....
[youtube=LVPNXsc4wsQ]
4548350 Yes, YES! We'll call it, "The beauty and the sponge!"
4548515 Nope, Celestia's apparently bisexual in this fic.
You know, I used to ship Deadpool with every female character I could.
Poolcess WiLuna is probably the only time it's become an OTP for me, all because of this fic.
4549860 Great minds think alike
She dated them?
-King Sombra
-Discord
-Luna
-Twilight
-Tirek
4550459 It's adorable the way you think I care.
4548350 I upvote that comment and voice my support of this motion!
CAN WE PLEASE GET AN IMMORTAL THAT IS SEMI-SCARY!?!?!?!?!
I'M DYING FOR EITHER SLENDERMAN(E) OR ZALGO!!!! (pony versions would be interesting, but still
Poor Celly. She's just burnt out at this point. Well, hopefully Deadpool will be able to rectify this. I look forward to finding out.
I just
wastedmeaningfully used over four hours reading this entire fic. Hehehe totally worth it.4555035 Well I assume that Igor is immortal mainly because he was created to help the Wildcards on their journey's, also Igor has sated even he doesn't know what he is.
And as for Cashern, he is essentially a cyborg that no matter how badly he gets the shit beaten out of him, he will always revive. He also is essentially a fucking god of destruction because of how strong he is (Even if he does really just want to remember who he is and live a peaceful life.) So basically think of Zero from Megaman with less swords and blonde hair.
And as for Aizen...well who said he stayed dead? Or even died to begin with? Maybe...it was all just a part of his plan.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/082/2/3/This_Is_Part_of_Aizen__s_Plan_by_Lord_of_Hunger.jpg
Quone! Greatest word eva!
4551711
I assume you want either Slenderman or Zalgo?
4557675
YES YES ATHOUSAND TIMES OVER YES!!!!
4558848 Skipping rope to tie up, train to penetrate, car by car with the caboose at the very end. and the teddy bar... I've got nothing.
Robot devil futureama
4558815
4563826 Thanks!
4567898 Well actually, that really depends on which version of Deathwing we're talking here: Neltharion, the elemental aspect, or Deathwing, the avatar of chaos.
Although, I doubt that you'd want to get nerded out that hard, so I'm just gonna stick with my original assessment and say that yes, I believe the aspects are immortal. And if they're not, then they're close enough to being immortal that they could be considered it.
I'm waiting on a dragon ball z date. Piccolo or king kai. Hell, maybe shenron.
No, actually it isn't. Pet peeve with the ponyfic community is the insistence that this is correct. I'm not saying you can't use the term (it's kind of like the term lady friend instead of girlfriend; same implication with slightly different phrasing), but Equestria has the world "girlfriend."
Skip to 0:36 here. Sorry if I'm being kind of a dick about this, but this is a rant that's been building for about as long as that episode's been on the air.
Greed from full metal alchemist brotherhood
Presumably from a man named Banto Zame.
Oh boy, it's going to be hilarious if Celestia completly blows off Jack.