Chapter 38: Intermissions The Second
“Strange…”
Solaire slammed the back of his helmet against the stone confines of their cell. “Oh please, not again!”
“What?”
Twilight sighed. “Deadpool, shut up.”
Deadpool glanced at Twilight, his veiled eyes bulging out. “Shut up? Shut up!? That’s hardly something you say to a dear and near friend of yours, Twilight. I am expecting a friendship letter about this by the end of the day.”
Twilight scowled at him, her hooves unfortunately bound together to prevent her from strangling him. Or punching. Or at least kicking him in the groin.
“Deadpool, you’re definitely not dear to me from what you’ve put me through, you’re only near to me because you were chained up right next to me, and I don’t even know if we’ll be alive at the end of the day for me to write a friendship letter!”
A few second’s pause followed this rant, which was soon unmercifully broken by Deadpool. “So I am getting that friendship letter!”
Solaire tugged useless at his iron cuffs that were chained to the back wall. Similar conditions had befallen Twilight and Deadpool, all three of them chained in a dim holding cell.
“How did we even end up here?” Solaire asked. “Everything was a blur.”
“Yeah, time travel usually does that,” Deadpool said, “along with fuzziness, nausea, seizures, internal bleeding, and kidney stones.”
“All I remember was that we stepped into that… ugh.” Twilight shook her head and shivered. “That portapotty time travel machine you use. Which, I might add, has never been emptied.”
“And then we ended up in this cell and shackles when everything went black.” Solaire leaned against his shackles, a low growl traveling up his throat. “Agh, I feel useless! Give me an enemy to fight with my companions! That’s fair! Being chained up… it’s despicable.”
“Well, bad news is that there’s no getting out of here.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I kinda guessed that already, Deadpool. Something is preventing me from using magic.”
“And these shackles are tightened too much for me to break my wrist and fingers to slip them through.” A couple of pops followed this statement, along with a breaking noise or two that sounded similar to a snapping twig. “Yup, didn’t work.”
“You could have just tried it out with one hand you know!” Twilight belittled him.
“Go big or go home, that’s what I say,” Deadpool said.
A coarse laugh followed Deadpool’s words. A few steps could be heard in the shadows directly before the trio, until a figure appeared out of the darkness.
“Oh, I could not agree more,” the figure said, finally appearing in the low illumination. He was a lanky man, his skin pale to an almost sickly degree. He wore a strange black cap that covered much of his head and sideburns. He wore what could only be described as a futuristic parish outfit, or better yet, a funeral home director’s mourning suit. The darkness appeared to stick to him like a second skin, his shadow almost alive as it danced around his feet. A smile that felt like it was from a ghost touched his lips, though it neither brightened nor warmed his face.
“What strange apparition is this?” Solaire questioned.
Twilight gulped, her throat drying more and more the closer the dark stranger approached. “I think that’s our kidnapper.”
Deadpool leaned forward, his eyes scowling. “Wait a second…”
The stranger raised his from within the hem of his long flowing black robes. “Indeed, it is I who snatched you from your own dimension once you entered your time traveling device. For you see, I—”
“You’re the guy who sold me that portapotty on craigslist!” Deadpool shouted.
“Wait, I thought you got it from Amazon?” Solaire said.
Twilight shook her head. “No, that’s where he got those explosions that one time, remember?”
“I recall that being eBay.”
“Wait, no, that could have been the craigslist one.”
“Then what did he get from Amazon?”
“How should I know? Deadpool doesn’t even have Amazon Prime,” Twilight said. “Which I kept on reminding him to get if he wanted to save money, but he’d never listen.”
“I mean, why should he? What’s the benefit of Amazon Prime? Seems like a ripoff of good souls to me.”
“Oh, please, you are your souls! They don’t even accept souls on Amazon! Although on eBay I’m pretty sure they do.”
Deadpool groaned, smashing the back of his skull against the cell wall. “Okay, I was wrong. You two were made for each other. The ship has set sail and I was blind to see it!”
“There’s a ship?” Solaire asked.
A cough interrupted the group’s bickering, returning their attention back to the stranger before them.
“Now, as I was saying—”
“You ripped me off on that portapotty time machine,” Deadpool interrupted him. “It couldn’t even go back to the eighties! How else was I going to go drinking with Iron Man before he sobered up and became lame?”
The stranger’s eyes flickered with anger momentarily, but his gaze soon returned with the chill from before. “Interrupt me again, and I’ll send you back to when the dinosaurs went extinct. Directly in the center of where the crater shall be.”
“Do I at least get to hang out with the Flinstones before the whole crater thing?”
“Deadpool, shut up!” both Twilight and Solaire said.
The stranger smiled again, his grin never reaching his eyes. “Your friends are blessed with wisdom that is above you, Deadpool. And yes, I am indeed the salesman of the time machine you temporarily had in your possession before I… requisitioned it.”
Deadpool pulled at his shackles, attempting to jump at the bars. “Bullshit! Craigslist has no taksies-backsies!”
“The Valeyard does not follow the rules of craigslist,” the Valeyard—apparently—said. “And neither the rules of man or any other creature in this universe or any other.”
“Then why have you kidnapped us and trapped us here?” Twilight asked.
“So you do not interfere with my plans. You three are the variable that can throw my entire life’s work awry, and we couldn’t have that, now can we?” The Valeyard put his hands behind his back, puffing up his chest. “And because of this, you must be eliminated.”
“If we were to be eliminated, you would have done it already,” Solaire said.
The Valeyard nodded. “Correct. But that would skew the plans off even more, and the results would prove unfavorable to my odds.”
Twilight frowned. “And what exactly are those odds?”
“Why, Celestia finally getting a successful date for once.”
“You fiend!” Deadpool proclaimed, kicking at empty air right before the Valeyard. “You monster! You despicable animal! This shall not stand!”
The Valeyard laughed, his voice as icy as his appearance. “Complain all you want, it matters little to me. You three shall still prove useful to me. And once you aren’t, you’ll be disposed of.”
“You’ll never get away with this!” Solaire said. “It’s impossible for Mistress Celestia to have a good date!”
The Valeyard arched a brow. “And why do you believe this is true?”
“Buddy, we’ve gone through this situation nearly fifty times already. It’s gone beyond tedious to the point of mediocre expectation,” Deadpool said. “Heck, I’ve ruined a good number of them, so I’ve become the leading expert in this field.”
The Valeyard barked out a laugh. “On the contraire, Deadpool, I’m years ahead of you in study. I have been observing all of Celestia’s dates, right from the beginning, preparing myself for the time it shall be me who courts the princess!”
“But… Celestia is dating the Doctor now. I mean, at least another one of his versions.” Twilight tilted her head and stared at the Valeyard. “How exactly shall you court her?”
“When it is my turn, of course,” the Valeyard said, his devious grin widening. “And believe me when I say it won’t take long.”
“Your turn?” Solaire asked. “But Celestia is still deciding which of the Doctor’s many incarnations she shall be with. How exactly will your turn come up?”
The Valeyard opened his mouth, but was cut off once more from Deadpool, who was whining like a tantrum-prone toddler.
Deadpool groaned, repeatedly banging his head against the wall until his skull started fracturing into his brain. “Oh God, just get on with it! The secret isn’t even interesting or surprising!”
The Valeyard growled underneath his breath. “You see, my dear, I am one of the Doctor’s incarnations!”
“See, I was right!” Deadpool said.
“I am the last one, and true incarnation of the Doctor’s dark side he had carried upon his shoulder for hundreds of years! And by sabotaging my earlier incarnations’ chances, I assure that I shall succeed in the quest for the princess’ hand!”
“Hoof!” Deadpool corrected.
“It matters not!” the Valeyard said, dismissing Deadpool with a wave of his hand. He turned to exit, the edge of his robe brushing against the floor. “Once Celestia is mine, the power to change the entire universe and all universes shall be in my hands. And as for you three, your lives shall be burned away along with so many others in the new order I shall establish from the ashes of time and space.”
As the Valeyard left the trio alone, a heavy silence weighed down on the shoulders of the group.
“Well,” Deadpool said, “he is definitely going to get a bad review outta me, let me tell ya.”
A collective sigh from Solaire and Twilight filled the cell immediately after this.
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This is why I don't fully trust Craigslist
You know how to portray Deadpool very well, it's not shocking but I'm impressed.
Note to Deadpool, never buy a time travel machine online.
Instantly thought of this.
... How can this Valeyard guy be the final incarnation of The Doctor when The Doctor's final incarnation is Willy Wonka?
4853211
RETCONS!
4853218
http://www.reddit.com/r/FanTheories/comments/1bp3bg/willy_wonka_is_the_final_regeneration_of_the/
I suppose it's just a theory,
a Who Theory.
Thanks for reading.
DISCLAIMER: I am neither the OP of that Reddit thread nor MatPat.
cant he just pull his arms out of his sockets?
why does deadpool not rip his hands off?
4853153 Ditto.
4853263
Can't he just make lewd comments toward his shackles and they'll strip off of him?
This was to be expected, naturally.
4853365 Maybe deadpool would break the fourth wall and get pinkie or something
I ship it so badlyWait, what?
Is this guy the Dream Lord then? That's my guess. . .
Celestia should date "The Immortal" Hulk Hogan. Brother!
4853144 I personally don't see a problem with it. It's how I got my precious violin
4853153 Me, too
4853413
Yeah that isn't a very good ship.
The Valeyard? Oh shit! Not good, not good at all.
4838792 Sadly, no.
4853567
The Valeyard showed up in the old series, during the Trial of a Time Lord serial. The Time Lords put the Sixth Doctor on trial with the Valeyard as the prosecutor. In the end, the Master (long story) reveals that the Valeyard is actually the Doctor, "an amalgamation of the darker sides of the Doctor's nature, from somewhere between his twelfth and final incarnation." The Time Lords had recruited the Valeyard to cover up some nastiness they had done, promising to make him the remainder of the Doctor's regenerations... basically, it's all timey-wimey.
The Dream Lord from the Eleventh Doctor story Amy's Choice is similar in concept, and I thought it was a nice call-back to the Valeyard concept. In The Name of the Doctor, the Great Intelligence also lists the Valeyard as one of the names the Doctor will go by before his end.
Um, yeah... wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey.
Here's an idea for a Celestia date: Rumpelstiltskin from Once Upon a Time.
I enjoyed this chapter. I loved how much of a major part Deadpool is playing in all this. This story deserved more Deadpool. I'm gonna stop now before I talk about Deadpool too much. Anyways, great chapter. Loved it. Gotta go now. See ya when the next chapter comes out.
Is... is that a semblance of a plot? One that isn't stuffed with cake? Well, will wonders never cease.
Also, it's nice to get confirmation that Deadpool is, in fact, morally opposed to Celestia having a pleasant date. I always suspected that was the case.
Looking forward to more.
4855341
To break up the repetitiveness of an awful dating history, this RainbowBob™ story shall now feature numerous convoluted plot arcs within plot arcs about plots. And perhaps arcs.
4855630
Clearly, we need to get some siege weapons in here, so that we can fire plots in arcs. And maybe load up a few ships, target some farms, and fire arks into plots.
Psawwwwwwwwww, the War Doctor could kick the Valeyard's ass any day of the week.
4854563
Thanks for your information, I haven't watched much of the old series yet. I thought the Valeyard was just what the Dream Lord was calling himself. . . .
4855630 You know, the traditional way to break up the monotony of a rom-com is with a beta couple... [cough]Twilaire[/cough]
4855804 true dat
I gave up this story after the Santa chapter, having Celestia potrayed as a slut was just to clichéd and disturbing for my tastes.
Not to say it was not.... interesting, but I got bored after awhile and that chapter put the final nail in the coffin.
Not one of you best Bob, but... yeah was pretty generic for a "multiple bad date scenario" story.
Meh out of eh on my rating scale
4868146
As the author of that particular chapter, I feel a little bad about comments like this; it was only ever intended as a bit of silly, immature fun.
Please consider my latest work something of an atonement, and my attempt to redeem myself from how I have portrayed Celestia in my guest chapters here.
Respectfully,
The Ponytrician.
4869620 I'm sorry if you thought it was an attack on you, I was just referring to the story's scenario itself, the whole bad date thing has been done so many times already in media, and better too then this.
(But I am angry at you for putting the permanent images of Celestia fucking Santa, his elves, and reindeer in my head. I hope your other stories push those mental images in the back in my mind.)
4869620 Read the story you linked, it was slow for me at the beginning, but when Celestia finally got to Twilight, I enjoyed the conversation they had.
My headcanon is that the "Fairy" is Discord covered in bells, tutu, and a ballerina uniform.
(But still those images from this story have not been purged from my mind, I need brain bleach)
Something I'd been wondering for a while: would a ghost or spirit count as a immortal? I mean, ghosts are basically souls that live on forever, but they already died at one point to become a ghost, so would it count?
4871215
Yeah sure why not.
4871309 Wouldn't that mean that practically anyone could sign up for the website?
I'm going to see if the site is real. If it isn't, I'll sue the site.
Presuming there is one.
Wait...
~Me
5228798
Lawl.