Chapter 58: Slaying Ain't Easy
“You know,” Nameless said, ripping out the head of his axe from another vampire skull, “it doesn’t make much sense for vampires to be invading the castle in the first place.”
“Oh?” Luna ducked, barely avoiding the deathly sharp claws of an overeager vampire spawn. His was a kind of lesser bloodsuckers, just imps and pawns for the bigger fish to throw in the fryer, but still, he was an ugly one. Like a dried up marshmallow that had grown teeth, limbs, claws, and smelled like sour milk.
Nameless sidestepped a vampire charging right at him. He lobbed its head from its shoulders with a swipe as it passed on by, kicking the head out of the way as two more replaced its spot. “Yeah. I mean, doesn’t your sister control the sun?”
“True, true,” Luna agreed. “I am curious as to why my sister hasn’t already done that from the get go.”
“I have a theory,” Morte said in passing, right before he bit the ear off a sinister vampire spawn that had attempted to sneak up on Nameless’ blindside.
“If it is about my sister being incompetent, forget it.” Luna summoned forth a barrier of magic to repel a clash of a small group of vampires from overwhelming her. Said barrier pushed these vampires against the wall and then some, smushing them together like a squished bag of gummy bears, only much more bloody and less gummy. “I still do not know why you harbor such ill feelings towards her.”
“Because she’s a jackass, that’s why. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
“You don’t even have eyes.”
“That’s beside the point.”
Nameless growled with a deep, gruff voice, like his words were being suffocated by pain. Which wasn’t so far from the truth, seeing how a vampire was trying to rip his shoulder off with its teeth.
“I think the point is that we need to eliminate this vampire menace once and for all.” Nameless grabbed the shoulder-munching vampire in a meaty fist and crushed its skull inside his palm. He threw the slightly headless corpse to the side like a trash bag. “And currently Celestia is the only one who can help us achieve those goals.”
“But we’ve been fighting all through the castle and still haven’t found her. Not coat nor mane and not even her pompous yet huge ass!” Morte reminded him. “Where do you think Sunny Funtimes Princess has vamoosed to? Left us to lie hanging and die off is the way I’m seeing it.”
Luna rolled her eyes, right before a vampire’s disembodied head rolled off its neck. “Oh, please, don’t be ridiculous. My sister would never abandon me while I’m in danger.”
If Morte could arch a brow or even owned a brow he would have done so right then and there. “What about all the times you’ve done that to her?”
“Uh…”
“Also, what about the Nightmare Moon incident?”
“Come on, now you’re just getting political.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Nameless asked. He slashed downward with his axe, embedding it in the skull of a vampire who had conveniently opened its tooth-filled maw to attack him. He turned to the two of them, the vampire weakly struggling to pull out the axe from its face and mouth. “All we’ve been getting is the C-list vampires to fight. The losers, the weaklings, the undesired. Those who never stood a chance to win Celestia’s heart when the competition is so steep. If every big, bad, and downright despicable vampire on that website are gunning for Celestia, chances are they already found her.”
Luna stood still, barely registering the vampire feebly chomping on the force field between her and it. “Does… does that mean we’re too late?”
“It’s hard to tell,” Nameless replied. He shrugged, removing his axe from the still-standing vampire’s skull with a few tugs. “But I’d like to believe she’s still alive. Actually, I’m positive of it.”
“How do you know for certain?”
Nameless grinned, his smile spattered with blood spots. “Whoever is the brains behind this event doesn’t want her dead. Not be a long shot. Whatever their intentions are, it’s definitely one where they get Celestia in the end.”
Luna almost breathed a sigh of relief, but remembered group of vampires clawing at her shield, all of whom were dealt with by cutting off all their heads simultaneously with a single slash of her magic.
“Multi-kill!” Morte cried out. “Quick, quick, nuke these fuckers!”
Luna obliged. It was multi-kill, after all.
Her horn lit up and all three of them were enveloped in barriers of light, while the enemy were soon enveloped in barriers of fire, death, and third degree burns.
“You know, that would have been quicker and much more convenient around five minutes ago,” Nameless pointed out, though a smile could still be seen on his grim features.
“But not as fun,” Luna replied.
“The mare makes a point, Chief.”
Nameless nodded, then stepped forward once the inferno had died down and all that was left was ash and shattered bones.
“Fine, I contend to that. But finding your sister should be our top priority now.”
“Oh joy,” Morte muttered.
“Couldn’t agree more,” Luna said. “But where do you believe she’d end up at?”
“Well, vampires are always the dramatic, formal kind, aren’t they?”
Morte peered intently at the dusty black skull of one of the vampires, some fire still burning in the eye sockets. “Uh… usually.”
“Whoever coerced these events is definitely the dramatic type. Which means the show would have to happen where he’d have the best view available to enjoy all the carnage. And only one place has enough room for that in the castle.”
Luna paused for a second, then her face brightened up with a confident grin. “The ballroom!”
“BINGO!” Morte shouted. “B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O. And Bingo was his name-o!”
Both Nameless and Luna stared at Morte with looks that bordered on strange to creeped out and even morbid curiosity.
“Morte… what the hell,” Nameless muttered.
“What, a good tune can’t be appreciated in this day and age?” Morte rolled his empty eye sockets. “Jeez, cut me some slack here guys, just trying to pick up the mood.”
Luna narrowed her eyes. “Even with the possibility that my sister could have been kidnapped by some crazed vampire boss who wants to cause a bloodbath to happen in the heart of my kingdom?”
“What part of ‘pick up the mood’ did you not understand?” Morte asked.
“Just… just forget it. To the ballroom it is.” Luna hefted up her golden cross and dipped the sharpened end of it into some garlic dipping sauce typically used for pizza but was now instead about to be dipped into the living dead.
“I just hope they have my dance number there. Which, y’know, is pretty tough to properly perform, with the lack of legs and all, but I gotta tell you, with the right amount of intuition and belief in your own abilities, almost anything is—”
“Morte, shut up,” both Luna and Nameless said at the same time.
While Morte and Nameless walked on ahead, Luna stopped in her tracks, staring into the distance before she shook her head and rubbed her temples.
“Damn… why did I have a sudden feelings of déjà vu?”
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Speaking of cross shaped weaponry and immortal beings. We should have Vash the Stampede (Trigun) and his preacher friend show up to help kill some vampires.
I mean, preacher man's got that cross shaped monster of a gun which HAS to have at least a little bit of a Divine damage modifier and Vash is at least Ageless. I don't think he's actually Immortal but then neither is Celestia.
5623908
Don't forget Constantine and the cross-shotgun.
5623908 Nicholas Wolfwood is awesome, but he isn't immortal, sadly
You know, there is a loop hole to this: Characters who aren't immortal, but are ageless. See, if you're ageless, it means old age will never claim you, but you can still be killed. And a common interpretation of Celestia is her being ageless. So, I have two suggestions: Garlic Jr, who is Immortal, and Majin Buu, who is Ageless.
I can't remember if the Main Man Lobo has ever been suggested or given his own chapter. He can't die and even if they found a way to kill him, he's been banned from both Heaven AND Hell.
5624114
...You do realize that you've opened the door to the Norse pantheon. I can just imagine Loki showing up and being all charming until someone asks him why he looks nothing like the one from the comics/movies.
Thor would never date a pony. His uncle dated a pony once and as a result, his cousin is an eight legged horse. Odin would more likely try and push Sleipnir than date Celestia himself.
What this story lacks is Immortal Horses. Unfortunately, the only ones I can think of are Shadowfax and Sleipnir. I'd love to suggest Epona, but none of the Epona from Legend of Zelda are immortal or ageless. Better to go with the King of the Gerudo if you want a Zelda character.
Although I can't remember if we've had Prince Solaris, Prince Artemis or Prince Dusk Shine chapters. I can just imagine the looks on Twilight and Luna's faces when Celestia says that she tried dating their male counterparts.
5624231 Prince Solaris was one of the first chapters. When they realized they were dating themselves, they were suitably freaked out. It even referenced Dusk Shine, Artemis, and Eris.
After the vampires an very good (BAD) date would be HARBINGER from the Mass Effect game
Everyone say it with me! ALUCARD ALUCARD ALUCARD!!!!!
5624064 That's why he shows up alongside his ageless, if not immortal, buddy Vash The Stampede and not on his own. Hells, I'd be surprised if those chicks from the insurance agency didn't tag along too.
5624551
Why do I get the feeling that will all the expectations everyone has about alucard, the author is going to switch things at the last minute?
It NEEDS to be the original Dracula. The one, true creation of Bram Stoker. Or, failing that, Bela Lugosi's version. :D
I wonder when we will see Alucard
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzbNpXRMrRQ
5624586
Like when he introduced Captain Jack Sparrow instead of Captain Jack Harkness?
5624586
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT THAT WHACKY AUTHOR DOES NEXT!
Morte has eyes. He doesn't have much else, but he has eyes.
In any case, you're leading up to some kind of twist, but I'm not sure what. I look forward to finding out.
5625166
I am the twist master of twists.
5625039 Oh god, we're going to get a Dracula who talks backwards, aren't we?
5625187
5624007 hmm thats a good point that i should have thought about since animals like cows can speak in mlp
5624231 Sleipnir already got a chapter, as did Thor and Loki. Not sure if Arion the greek horse of legend has had one yet though...
However, since we're doing vampires, (hahahahahaha bad joke) why not toss Angelus into the mix. David Boreanas deserves a little representation here.
5624551
Actually, as much as I love Hellsing: Ultimate and Alucard, I honestly enjoyed the more Seras centric Hellsing.
If Millennium doesn't have anything to do with this then I will be very disappointed.
5624231
Immortal horses? Shadowmere. That horse just can't die. Arvak too, he's a spooky ghost horse. Both are horses from Skyrim.
5628131 Are you sure Shadowmere is immortal? I mean, he died like, REALLY quickly under my care. I mean, like maybe 20 minutes. Tops.
5624367 Is the harbringer immortal? I thought he was just like, some master collector. I also thought he was dead.
5625140 Except yours truly since, you know, you kinda told me everything you intend to do with this story moving forward.
5625140 You thought it was going to be Alucard, but it was me, Dio!
5630206
Hm, he never died for me. Arvak it is, then.
5630206
He (she? I forget) always comes back though. Shadowmere is a dark spirit that's been bound to the Dark Brotherhood. Yeah, you can kill him, but it doesn't stick.
5632386
I listed twenty versions.
There are only 12 currently recognized official timelines.
5625140
Still banking on Count Duckula,
I would love to see the reaction of someone, new to this story, that reads the first chapter and then this one.
After the vampire chapters an very interesting date to celestia would be HARBINGER, Reaper, from the Mass Effect game, and to the ones that dont know, yes he can die, but only if you blow something very heavy on him, perahaps a sun, and he is the oldest creature around in the multiverse, thousands of Harvests each in an space of 50000 years prove that he lived more than an million years. So Who likes the Idea of Celestia dating a gigantic genocide machine?
5641002 i want to see this
( and then Shepard comes in and uses biotic charge )
_________________
also, vampires and no alexander anderson?!
please man, im begging you here, i want some vampires to be thrown into the blood soaked, protestant hell!
__________________
5624551
anderson...
5647341
Normally, no. But these are basically gods so their genes are as close to perfect as you can get. Add in the power of alicorn Magic and any defects should be easily corrected
5648527
Ammy...
Which chapter? It's been a while since I read this story.
5653504 Thank you, Mr. Soong.
Just imagine if Dio Brando was involved.
Do this guy next:
I would look forward to seeing him in this story. But if you don't or do add him in please let me know ok.
Wasn't it said earlier that he only had eyes?
Not by a long shot.