Chapter 14: Sharply Smart
Celestia was having a strange sense of déjà vu, which surprisingly enough seemed to be a common feeling when it comes to immortals. Only now, that sense was not so much as strange as predictable at this point, and it only got worse still as the date went on.
Waving a hoof in front of her muzzle and coughing, Celestia asked, “Would you kindly not smoke while we’re eating, please?”
Her date arched a brow, scratching his unshaven sideburns that made him look like a dirty hobo in a nonchalant manner. Under her scrutinous glare, he shrugged and doused his cigar in his drink.
“Sorry ‘bout that, bub,” Wolverine said.
Celestia grimaced, but still tried to show him a pleasant smile… or at least her best attempt at one. “It’s no problem, really. I’ve just had… really bad experiences in the past with smoking.” She shuddered. “Never again.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry ‘bout nothin’ with that when you’re out with me,” Wolverine assured her, a cheeky grin on his chiseled features. Before Celestia could appreciate his strong jawline or his deep, hazel brown eyes, Wolverine unsheathed three metallic claws from the back of his hand, and stabbed his half-finished steak with them, not even bothering with the fork and knife next to his plate. Chewing on the greasy cut of meat impaled on his claws, Wolverine asked, “You gonna eat or what?”
Celestia stared down at her plate, which was filled with all manners of greasy, meaty, oily, unappetizing and overall disgusting foods to choose from. Looking up and observing their date site, which was a seedy bar that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned since it opened, Celestia wasn’t surprised.
Pushing her plate to her ravenous date, she said, “No… I think I’m good for now.”
Shrugging, Wolverine just dumped her plate onto his and began diving into his meal like a wild animal.
Holding back her utter revulsion, Celestia hoped her date was a better conversationalist than an eater. “So… is Wolverine your actual name, or…?”
“Name’s Logan,” Wolverine answered simply. “Most people call me Wolverine though.” He smiled, showing off intimidating canines that added onto his overall feral look with his unkept hair and sharp features. “Haven’t a clue why, myself.”
“I, uh… can come up with a couple of guesses.” Gulping back some vomit that had tried to sneak past her tonsils, Celestia’s smile dripped down to a moot half-grin. “So… Logan, is it? What do you do for fun?”
“I beat up bad guys,” he answered simply. He used his claws to dig out a piece of stringy meat stuck in between his teeth, the process making Celestia gag. “And good guys on the occasion. Both hit the same pretty much, so I ain’t picky.”
“Well, isn’t that… energetic.”
“Oh, and I like building and customizing custom choppers. Nothin’ like cruising along in a bike you built yourself,” Wolverine said, a bit of pride shining in his words.
Celestia smirked, though this one was much less forced than before. “That actually sounds quite nice. So, what type of—”
Before she could finish her question, Celestia’s words and her head were cut nearly in half when a katana stuck itself point deep into the table, the sharp edge inches away from Celestia’s muzzle.
Wolverine’s other pair of claws came out in a flash, a deep growl sounding from him as he jumped atop the table, looking all around at the bar. “Okay, who’s the wise guy who thinks he can interupt my date?”
“Your date?” a figure from the shadows spoke. The figure stepped into the light from a single hanging bulb. “I think you mean my date!” Deadpool said, decked out in his usual red and black jumpsuit attire, along with complementary bowtie to complete the look. He held a box of chocolates—Celestia’s favorite—and roses in his hands.
“Oh for the love of…” Celestia sighed deeply, rubbing her brow with an agitated hoof.
“Son of a bitch,” Wolverine grumbled, glancing sideways to Celestia. “Don’t tell me you agreed to go out with this guy?”
“Only once!” Celestia stated, pulling at her mane while gritting her teeth. “And I haven’t been able to get rid of him since!”
Wolverine sniggered. “Yeah, sounds like Deadpool, alright.”
“You’ve gone too far this time, Wolverine! First it was my car, then my house, then my mother, and finally my girl?” Deadpool cast away his trifle tokens of affection and pulled out his other trifle tokens of affection, which came in gun and bullet form.
Wolverine held up a hand. “Okay, first off, I already apologized… well, sorta, about blowing up your apartment. Your car was actually someone else’s you stole and I crashed. At the time, I didn’t know the woman was your mother, and I seriously still doubt that since you’re about a decade older than her. And lastly, Celestia agreed to go on a date with me, not you.”
“Oh yeah?” Deadpool pointed the barrel of his gun to where Celestia was sitting. “Let’s just ask her then.”
However, the seat was abandoned, Celestia having taken the smart course of action and jumping through the bar window when no one was looking.
Wolverine, still on the table with his claws unsheathed, and Deadpool, still armed to the teeth and then some, looked at one another in awkward silence.
“So…” Wolverine began, straightening up his back. “Yeah… uh…”
“Wanna fight and whoever loses the least amount of organs has to buy the other a drink?” Deadpool suggested.
Smirking, Wolverine jumped off the table, attempting a downward slash at Deadpool’s torso. “Sounds good to me!”
Deadpool started firing, laughing as bullets filled up Wolverine while his own chest was impaled by Wolverine’s claws. “Hey, you cheater!”
Both of the heroes—if they could even be called that—laughed and fought, while Celestia stood outside in the cold waiting for a taxi, questioning her life choices once again in the exact same situation.
Yeah, definitely a strange case of déjà vu for this date, that’s for sure.
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Bwahahahaha! Poor Celly can't get a break!
He's the best at what he does
You know who would be a good date? Broskandar.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/295/e/e/broskandar_the_great_by_andarion-d4dmusa.jpg
I am sorry Celestia.
Captain Jack Harkness.
I think Celestia might find this of interest on the dating site.
One thing's for sure. Guarantee, no problematic exes.
...just fangirls.
Have you become acquainted with defender2222 yet, RainbowBob? Because he also loves Deadpool, Discord, and general insanity in his MLP fanfics (as do I
).
~The lizardman has good taste
You know what would REALLY spice things up? Have Celestia become bisexual and start dating women.
Celestia x Han Solo.
4344890
But she did do that.
Well, in a guest chapter, but still... eh, I'll introduce a woman immortal eventually.
Could we get Chaos Witch Quelaag up next, please?
4344900
No, Darth Vader.
Well, I can't say that was unexpected, but it certainly ended more amicably than I anticipated.
Let's go for the obvious. Celestia x Luna. Princest is Wincest!
Celestia X post-Grail Indiana Jones could be good.
Celestia X some Persian soldiers working for Herodotus, only to have to explain that the website is meant for LITERAL immortals.
Celestia X Gaia from Captain Planet.
TZEENTCH...Or Fateweaver. Either one. {Khorne could be amusing too.}
Would she consider Alduin the World Eater? =3 I ask since I just got off a Skyrim bender.
EDIT: Ooh! Paarthurnax would be an even better idea!
4344867
*Gets on Knees*
Please! PLEASE!
It's been TOO LONG SINCE I'VE SEEN A GOOD
p^$$y
*Gets up and goes into the TARDIS*
I'm leaving. I've got to find some!
4344905
You have to find the sleaziest female immortal possible...
4341524
"Why, Jean-Luc, that's like asking me how many bipedal mostly hairless pale-skinned apes I know!... but this one is best pony, anyway."
For the first time I feel I must add a comment merely so I can make a suggestion, mostly because I just finished watching the DVD's of the first two seasons of the series. It is thus that I suggest none other than... MACBETH! The Immortal former King of Scotland from Gargoyles! He even has a beard.
I kinda wanna see Celestia on a date with the Chosen undead, or the Bearer of the Curse. The whole mute thing might be entertaining, though I don't know if they can count as immortal.
In all honesty, I expected Wolverine to be more pissed off upon seeing Deadpool
Now Celestia needs another immortal humanoid who is more...refined, as it were.
Ra's Al Ghul anyone?
Yeah, fights between regenerators are silly affairs. At least, they are for the combatants. Everyone else should move away from them with great haste.
Really, Tia needs to get a checklist going. And "Have you ever met Deadpool?" should be at the very top.
Looking forward to more.
Didact? From Halo 4?
Date request: spike from Buffy the vampire slayer
Or maybe urd from ah my goddess she's a goddess so technically she's immortal
4344991 YES! I totally forgot about him! God, I freaking love Gargoyles
Celestia dates a Zombie. Celestia dates Shadow the Hedgehog. And I'm probobly going to be killed for this but you cannot end this story without a Celestia dates Edward Cullen chapter. As much as I hate twilight, that has to happen and I'm sure everyone is waiting for that card to be played so we can laugh our asses off! And sponges are basically immortal. Think about that Mr. Bob.
How about Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged?
Oh my god, I can't believe I haven't suggested this yet, and I've barely seen anyone doing it as well, if any have at all.
The Doctor. 9-12. Doesn't matter.
Ganondorf `D
4345112 Aye! Gargoyles for the win! Man I am so happy I bought the series on DVD, I get to watch it whenever I want.
But how did you forget Macbeth? He's immortal, has a beard, was a king once, knows the pain of loss a thousand years over, and has been locked in eternal combat with a crazy red head out for total human genocide... sure he's been a villain every now and then, but usually it's only due to misunderstanding, and he has a noble and true code of honor unlike some.
Nearly twenty chapters in and STILL no Superman...
i.imgur.com/jVEnf.jpg
4345135 I second that.
Maybe Time Turner can show up in the middle of the date as well.
Luna and Celestia are out of character in this chapter; you make Celestia look all uptight and serious while you make Luna seem all care free and playful- the personalities are the other way, Celestia is not so serious, and Luna acts very serious. it's a good thought for a fic anyway though, I jut think Luna should be the one being put on the dating site, not Celestia.
You just know she's gonna end up with Deadpool. As time extends into infinity, the probability of Celestia x Deadpool approaches 1.
Celestia dates Captain Jack Harkness
Jareth the goblin king from Labyrinth
I parrot the motion that captain jack harness is next.
Ah, greasy, dirty, hairy, Canadian Wolverine. If anyone would be a match for Celestia (and probably no one is), it would be that guy. I kinda feel for Deadpool at this point though. He's like that guy that, I don't know what the word for it is, but he's the one who will never ever consider as an option, but you like having him around more than the people you actually go out with. Or not even like having him around, but you just can't get rid of him. "Frenemy-zoned?"
Anyway, if I may I've got a suggestion: Link. While not technically immortal, his spirit is reincarnated throughout several generations of heroes. And the idea of Celestia trying to get through a dinner date while deciphering a series of grunts and screams is just hilarious to me. And maybe get a little super-annoying Navi action in there too; I bet Pinkie would love her.
this is
AMAZIIING~!
Let's have lobo shall we? And let him bleed a little. (His blood creates clones of him, every. Single. Drop.)
4345203 Yeah, but then Rainbow Bob couldn't use Gamer Luna. That's just about the only reason I can think of why it shouldn't be Luna using the site.
Ooh, ooh, do Superman next.
Arnold J Rimmer from Red Dwarf.
4345307
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/297/d/d/mlp___applejack_is_not_amused_by_navi_pie_by_firebrandkun-d5ise8z.jpg
4345383 For goodness' sake, do we REALLY have to bring him in this story as well? Honestly, I'll never understand why anyone likes that overblown mime-skinned Gary Stu... he is basically a cross between an action D-Movie, Wolverine at his worst and a book on fart jokes, but has more fans than Superman...
4345496 who wouldn't like an immortal bounty hunter that likes to blow things up? He's basically the dead pool of DC, plus he has a kick-ass space bike AND a nuclear shotgun, with a chain
"they don't call me the main man for nothing"
quote from the main man himself, lobo, the one who went toe-to-toe with superman and almost beat him
4345525 The comparison with Deadpool is wrong... Deadpool is a trigger-happy violent nutcase, but has his good points (plus he got Squirrel Girl to keep him in line - girl can send THANOS whimpering home, she can leash Deadpool just fine), while Lobo once sent a radio message informing the inhabitants of a planet that he'd kill whoever was still on the surface in ten minutes - then laughed his ass off watching the population riot and kill each other in panic. Deadpool is insane, Lobo is a monster. Were I to compare him to a Marvel character, I'd say Carnage is closer to his style (both murderous psychopaths who shred people for the lulz). The ONLY good point about Lobo is that he always keeps his word, and still he'll find a way to pervert the letter of the agreement if he wants to. He's rotten to the core.
How about Emperor Palpatine?
Technically in the Dark Empire Star Wars comics, Palpatine had cloned bodies to live forever.
Palp voice: Dew it.
I don't see her finding an acceptable date anytime soon