Chapter 29: End Of The World... Sorta
“...”
“...”
“...Uh…”
“Yes?”
“Nothing!”
“You were about to say something.”
“Um… maybe…”
“Something… about the face, right?”
“Perhaps.”
“And the suit?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, then simply say it.”
Celestia gulped, averting her eyes from her date for but a moment. “Anyone ever tell you the grey skin and blue lips look a smidge… creepy?”
Apocalypse smirked, the blue lines on his lips seemingly traveling all the way up to his ears. His skin had an almost metallic sheen about it, appearing to be really shiny grey when caught in the right light. Other than that, his visage was even more frightening as he was completely bald with strange blue markings atop his forehead and skull while his eyes glowed a sinister red that lurked beneath dark orbs for eyes. The rest of his get up was composed of a blue and grey costume that fitted itself snugly to his body that was positively ginormous. It was muscled with proportions considerably well beyond that of normal humans in his natural form.
“Well, typically no one notices it. Slips their mind when they see my other… unusual traits,” Apocalypse said, setting his elbows on the table so that he could cross his massive hands. Hands that could crush a human skull like an orange. “Though you’ll be happy to note I take no offense to anyone criticizing my appearance. It is a petty grudge to have against someone.”
“I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing… well, not all of it,” Celestia said hastily while holding up her hooves. “It… gives you a more striking figure.”
“I have been told of that, yes.” Apocalypse smiled again, his face consorting to a devilish grin as his eyes took on a more sinister glow. “Although, I must say, your appearance is quite… surprising, princess.”
Celestia looked down at herself, then back over the table to Apocalypse. “What exactly were you expecting from a pony princess known as Celestia, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Apocalypse shrugged, reaching down with his fork to spear a chunk of his steak. It was extra rare, to the point that blood dripped out from even the slightest touch. “Having gone through countless names over the centuries myself, they are almost meaningless in explaining to me the characteristics of someone. Ironically enough, I call myself Apocalypse, but I have no intention of ending the world, but ruling it.” He picked up his wine glass, swirling its contents while staring thoughtfully into his distorted reflection. “As for the pony bit, I have ridden many a horse in my lifetime, and know that any distant relatives of them would be a sturdy breed and strong all around.”
“Seriously? Not even the princess part threw you off at all?” Celestia asked. “Heck, that doesn’t exactly scream anything to be expected other than… well, what you see before you.”
“A princess indicates a position of authority. Your authority has reigned over your country for better over a millenium, indicating a strong leadership,” Apocalypse said, crossing his arms over his incredibly large chest. “Likewise, your achievements are most impressive. From defeating the mad god of chaos and usurping his rule and then several dark lords that dared to challenge your rule, to even banishing your own rebellious sister. Now that takes true fortitude in leadership.”
Celestia chuckled under her breath, scratching the back of her sweat drenched neck. “Heh, well, the entire banishment thing wasn’t exactly my doing and I certainly didn’t mean for the thousand year imprisonment…”
“Come now, Celestia, don’t sell yourself short.” Apocalypse leaned over the table, taking one of her hooves in between his massive hands. “Your might is greater than most of Earth’s champions. Magic so powerful it can harness the power of the sun!” Apocalypse grinned wickedly, staring deep into Celestia’s eyes. “Just think of what we can accomplish together! You and me, side by side!”
“In a loving and committed relationship?”
“While we rule over the world!”
Celestia slowly withdrew her hooves and got out of her seat. “Yeeeeeah, sorry, but I’m not all up for the whole ‘join and help take over the world’ aspect of the relationship, thank you very much.”
“What?” Apocalypse asked, taken aback. “Why not?”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Bad experiences, let me tell you. Too much to list right now. Plus, once you actually take over the world, there isn’t much anything else you can do with it. You’ve reached your peak. That’s it. Nothing else can ever be a bigger accomplishment than that. You’ve literally obtained the highest achievement possible and from then on in it’s a downward slope to mediocrity.”
Apocalypse hummed under his breath, slowly rubbing his chin. “Huh… I never thought about it like that. Truthfully, looking back on it all, my attempts at world domination could have all been summed down to my compensation for not having birth parents to look after me. And the only way I could properly relieve myself of this angst was through trying to take over the world plots.”
Smiling cheerfully, Celestia patted Apocalypse’s freakishly massive shoulder. “See, now you’re getting somewhere. I’m sure with proper therapy sessions you can work out the kinks of your parent problems, provided you—”
“Stop right there, Apocalypse!” a man shouted from across the restaurant, right after he had blasted his way through the wall, a doorway right beside him. He was wearing visor goggles that glowed a molten red and were visibly smoking, lasers from his eyeballs the most likely reason for the melted wall. He was dressed in a ridiculous garb of a blue and yellow jumpsuit with an ‘X’ symbol stamped on his chest.
Several other costumed freaks followed the first man through the broken down wall: a hairy blue beast that was in desperate need of a haircut, a metal man that was shinier than even Apocalypse, a dark skinned women with white hair that was floating off the ground, a man that was seemingly made entirely of ice, a fairly typical looking short women that actually phased right through the wall rather than through the giant hole, and then a blue skinned, devilish creature that had teleported out of nowhere, clinging to a table.
“So, if it isn’t the X-Men, here to foil another one of my plots!” Apocalypse laughed. He got out of chair, needlessly throwing his table across the room upon his rise.
“Wait, hold up, I’m confused here,” Celestia said, backing away from the strangely dressed superhumans and… whatever else they were.
The man with the strange goggles who appeared similar to a cyclops approached Apocalypse. “The X-Men won’t allow you to carry out your nefarious ways, Apocalypse. Your reign of evil ends here!”
Apocalypse spread out his arms, gesturing with his finger for the team to attack. “Stop wasting my time and hurry up with it. Every action you’ve made has played into my hand, no matter what you do.”
“But Apocalypse, what about the parental issues and therapy!” Celestia called out.
“Too expensive!” Apocalypse shouted, already getting busy with driving his fist repeatedly into the visor guy’s face.
Celestia sighed, walking away from what was quickly becoming the ruins of another restaurant destroyed by her date’s antics. At this rate, they’re going to practically name an insurance plan to cover the expenses of her dating life.
Walking to the hole in the wall—because at that point she realized that doors were meaningless—Celestia accidentally bumped into a familiar face.
“Damn costume takes forever to put on!” Wolverine bellowed, right before he ran straight into Celestia. The princesses was thrown off her hooves and to the floor, while Wolverine was merely halted a few seconds. Staring down at his former date, Wolverine frowned. “Wait, Celestia? What the hell are you doing here?”
Celestia grunted from her position on the floor. “I was just about to ask you that.” Looking up, she arched a brow at Wolverine. “Along with what exactly you’re wearing?”
Looking down at his costume composed of bright yellow with blue markings, Wolverine tugged at his black mask and shrugged. “It’s… uh… the team colors, okay?” He reached down and helped Celestia back to all fours. “Not exactly my choice, but eh, I’m not much of a complainer.”
“No, you most certainly are not,” Celestia agreed. Looking back to the epic battle between the X-Men and Apocalypse, who was currently having his teeth pulled out by the blue beast man, Celestia grimaced. “So, I’m guessing you’re with them?”
“And I’m guessing you’re with him?”
Both of them answered with “sorta” and then laughed.
As his laughter died down to a mild chuckle, Wolverine pointed over his shoulder with a thumb. “So, seeing how your current date is pretty busy, you don’t mind going out for a drink or two? I could use the company from someone without an ‘X’ stamped to their chest.”
Celestia winced as an explosion rocked the earth close behind them. “You sure you don’t need to help your team out?”
Wolverine smirked and shook his head. “Nah. The X-Men have this under wraps. Besides, the fight’s probably gonna be over in less than five minutes, ending with Apocalypse saying something cryptic in a jerkass kinda way about how he already won, and then he’ll teleport outta here. After the fifth or sixth time you stop caring.”
Mulling it over, Celestia shrugged and nodded her head. “Heck, sure, why not. It’d be nice for a change to go out for drinks with someone who isn’t a date.”
“At least not a current one,” Logan laughed.
Celestia stifled a giggle. “At least now I’m sure that the bar won’t be randomly exploding anytime soon.”
“Yes?”
“Luna!”
"Yes, this is her."
“I need you to pick me up!”
“Who is this?”
“Who else could it possibly be?”
Luna stared into the receiver end of her phone and smirked. “Twilight, is that you?”
“Luna, I’m dead serious here!”
“No, no, I agree,” Luna said, staring nonchalantly at her hoof. “You rarely call nowadays, Twilight, so this most certainly is important.”
“Luna, this is Celestia! The bar I was at exploded! I can’t explain all the details here, but I need you to pick me up, and bring some burn salve as well!”
Luna rolled her eyes and sighed under her breath. “Do you want me to fill the bathtub with ice again?”
“Extra ice!”
“Damnit,” Luna muttered, flipping her phone closed with a deep scowl on her face. “I hate being on ice tub duty.”
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I DEMAND that you have Celestia go on a date with Kenny from South Park! If you don't...I will send THIS PONY AFTER YOU!!!
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/359/0/4/a_fluffle_puff_meme_by_mojo1985-d6zcj8u.jpg
I lost it at that.
Nonsense! After you conquer one world, then you have to hold on to it, which is vastly more complicated. And then, once you've stabilized your rule, you go find a new world to conquer. Come on, this is Megalomania 101 here!
In any case, looking forward to more. May you never be on ice tub duty.
I agree that Kenny needs to be a date.
Quite a few spelling & grammar errors here, but still a funny chapter regardless.
4648548 best ways to die:
1.dying during mass orgy as emperor of the universe.
2. Being smothered in your sleep by a fluffy pony that's trying to hug you.
3.Going peacefully in your sleep of old age.
I still think Papa Smurf. He may not be truly immortal, but as long as he gathers the special Smurfquest ingredients every 500 years or so, he may as well be. Plus having Gargamel and Azrael muddling things up could be amusing.
4648548 That... would.. be... AMAZING!
4648548 omg yes just age him up a bit make it nice and legal
4648613 What would be amazing?
4648634 Well you could have Kenny go as Mysterion, his superhero alter-ego, since Mysterion's voice sounds like an adult.
4648652 The comment you posted, the one that I replied to...
4648583 Not to mention writing the top poni fic on the site, that's much more of an achievement then nmerely conquering the world!
4648659 Oh yeah. I still think it would be awesome to see Kenny go on a date with Molest-er i mean Celestia.
At leat the bar won't explode...
.
.
.
Damnit
Maybe Link, cuz sheer nostalgia will keep him alive forever
Slenderman maybe? I mean, he is immortal, and I'm pretty sure if he went on a date with Celestia it would be hilarious.
4648786 Isn't he on the reincarnation cycle or something? He dies and gets reborn over and over again alongside Ganon and... Vaati right? So he is immortal, he just has to go through potty training again every century or so.
Just hook her up with a male version of herself or let her date whoever she wants and if its a mortal, turn him into a cyborg, cyborgs are immortal after all.
Ghost rider?
HA!
Why does it seem Celestia clicks so well with people that want to take over the world?
Old Spice. You can pick between Mustafa Isaiah or Terry Crews (although Terry Crews has already kinda sorta been done.)
4648877 IDK, I'm not really into LoZ at all, all I know is that Nintendo will keep making the games until they stop making money, and they can make money off the series through sheer nostalgia, therefore, so long as the fans are alive, Link is pretty much immortal.
4648903 What about Nicolas Cage in general?
The Elemist from animorphs
Of course the X-Men had to screw this up, namely Cyclops. Meanwhile, Wolverine screwed Celestia in all the right ways
We need Ra's Al Ghul now. It just needs to happen
4648985 i dunno
… Is nobody going to say it? Nobody? Fine. I will. ARCEUS. Wait, did they do that already?
"What the What"
Hmm...Either ya buggered up Luna, or there's a new character named Lu'an...
4648839
Slenderman: ...
Celestia: So... How's it going?
Slenderman: ...
Celestia: Do you even talk?
Slenderman: ...
*teenage girl walks in*
Slenderman: !
*screen fades to static and many screams of terror ensue*
Celestia: LUNA! GET THE GUARD DAMN IT!
4648985 I just love his face. No matter what role he plays, he just has that "Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh" look that I crack up at every time!
I still think that father or hohenheim would be hilarious.
I think that Celestia should go on a date with Ahuizotl.
Bob, I have an immortal you'll want to put in this. You might love me for it.
Flying Dutchman.
What the hell happened to Celestia and why does she need burn salve? Why did the bar even burn down? Why did it randomly explode?
Is the line break and character switch here intentional? Both of these look like they're said by Celestia.
Anyway, short but sweet. Though at this rate, I'm beginning to wonder why Celestia is even allowed in any bar in the multiverse anymore...
Small detail: in a comic about Cable's past (and future) is shown that Apocalypse's bald-and-grey with blue lipstick look is actually a power armor built to keep him alive; Apocalypse is really a VERY old man as wrinkly as a prune and as weak as a newborn kitten. The reason why he's almost all-powerful is because his bodysuit was built by reverse-engineering Celestial (think "Divine", only better) technology.
Basically, Apocalypse's only real mutant power is that he's ridiculously smart.
Ra's Al Ghul. Now.
Celestia just had to tempt fate, as usual.
4649857
Oh dang, I forgot to mention the Celestial. The joke was just begging to happen!
4649644
It's because of two little things. The first is called Murphy's Law. The second, Tempting Fate.
4649038 Nope, so why not write it yourself as a guest chapter?
4651644 Really? OKAY, THEN!
4648548 why not satan from south park
or maybe eragon
4652966 my god, eragon, yes! that! complete with a celestia saphira jealousy conversation!
4648657 Princess Kenny-san needs to go on a date with a fellow princess, only for it to be spoiled by the evil wizard-king.
4649644
Noodle incident. But I'm guessing alcohol and flame were involved somehow.
Aaaaaaand you jinxed it.
Called it!
4662544
Noodle incident indeed.