Guest Chapter: Beelzebub Has A Table Set Aside For Me (71NYL-5CR4TCH)
While many of her past dates had been misanthropes, Gods of Chaos, and even immortal power-hungry super villains, she had never been on a date with anyone that was widely considered ‘pure evil’ by ordinary standards. Even the more insidious immortals she had encountered were at least kind to her, or evil to an end. She could never date somehow who was purely malicious... right?
But he was so... hot…
Celestia continued to stare at the bright screen before her, and the notforeveralone.com account of Lucifer himself stared back. His profile picture was in human form, and featured a pale but handsome man with well-styled black hair, a small goatee, and a form-fitting black and red suit.
‘I always pictured him as red and with horns...’ she thought to herself. ‘After all, he is supposedly the most evil being in the multiverse! Aren’t evil things supposed to be... ugly? But he’s not... he’s so... oh damn, this one’s shirtless and sweet, I could do laundry on those abs...’
“I’m literally about to have a one-night stand with the devil,” Celestia spoke to no-one in particular as she began replying to his message.
“I must admit Lucifer, this is a rather nice restaurant…” Celestia spoke as her eyes wandered the establishment.
“Oh, I’ve always been a sucker for sushi, and this is the best place in my home universe!” Lucifer responded, chuckling aloud. “You must try their dragon roll... oh, I’m sorry, you’re vegetarian, aren’t you?”
“Mostly yes, but I can indulge in fish occasionally,” she replied with a smile. “I must say, Lucifer, you’re quite different from what I expected you to be.”
He scoffed. “Ugh, tell me about. It’s entirely bad PR and gossip from the big man upstairs. We used to be best friends a couple thousand years ago, but ‘no, how dare you question me, I’m God, bleh, neh, neh’...” he joked with a childish voice and goofy expressions. “After our little ‘disagreement,' he told me I could have Hell and we haven’t spoken since. But he keeps trashing me behind my back.”
Celestia giggled, and then sighed. “I’m sorry to hear you lost your friend that way, but you don’t seem to upset.”
“I’m not, really. At least, not anymore. I was at first because even down in Hell I had to follow his guidelines, but after the first couple hundred years I realized he never came down to check up on things so I just started running them my way,” Lucifer clarified, before picking up his menu. “Aw, hell, I already know what I want.” He smiled, and put the menu down.
“I suppose I’ll take you up on your recommendation and have what you’re having then,” Celestia replied with a smile.
Lucifer looked up, and smirked coyly. “Well, I was also planning on getting an order of hot sake... are you sure?”
Celestia gave a grin back. “Oh, I love sake.”
“And so then I just go ‘nah, c’mon lady, eat the apple, it’s mad tasty...' and guess what?! She fuckin ate it! Right off the tree!” Lucifer laughed, slamming his sake glass down while Celestia herself hooted in laughter.
“Wait... wait, why wasn’t she supposed to eat the apple?” Celestia asked between laughs, her cheeks a bright rosy red.
“No reason! Big man just said she wasn’t supposed to!” Lucifer giggled.
“Oh man! Did she get in, like, soooooo much trouble?” Celestia asked.
Lucifer sobered up a bit, “Yeah, turns out doing that made herself and every other human mortal and damned to my place for, like, thousands of years or something crazy.”
“Oh dear,” Celestia said with a straight face. “Why did you tell her to eat the apple then?” she asked, with growing concerns.
“Well, I didn’t know! I just thought it would make God salty. I never expected him to go so overboard! It’s why I challenged him in the first place, because I thought it wasn’t fair at all…”
“Wait, that’s why you became the lord of darkness?! Because you stood up for people?” Celestia asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, it’s why its so frustrating to be seen as such a bad guy. I mean, yeah, I control Hell, which is where all the evil souls are sent, but I punish them, not reward them! At first I had to punish everyone that came my way, but when I realized God wasn’t ever around, I changed the scenery a bit. I always hated the ‘fire and brimstone’ architecture the big man made, it looks a lot more like Las Vegas now. And I only punish those who are actually evil, not everyone who doesn’t love him like he wants me too, and even the actual people I don’t torture for all eternity, just long enough till they’ve served their time.”
“Wait... God wants you to torture people who don’t love him? Kinda egotistical if you ask me…” Celestia replied.
“Yeah, the rules are pretty backwards, but I try to soften the blow as much as I can,” Lucifer replied, taking another swig of sake.
“I must say, Lucifer, this has been a very pleasant date... I had no idea you were so... not evil,” Celestia swooned, putting her head in her hooves.
“My dear, I’m far from a perfect soul, but I am glad you think me kinder than most. I have had a lovely evening as well. If this date is to continue, I must warn you, I am a spirit of temptation…” He winked.
“Well, you certainly are very…” Celestia’s eyes wandered over his figure once again before meeting back with his deep red eyes, “tempting. Which makes me wonder... what is your deal, huh? What’s your thing?”
“My... thing?” Lucifer seemed genuinely puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s just that as soon as a date goes spectacularly well, something horrible happens. So I’m waiting for either you to break the bad news, or someone else to break my bones,” Celestia deadpanned.
Lucifer sighed. “I suppose I must come clean with you then. I have a catch that had to come up sooner or later.”
Celestia rubbed her temple with a hoof. “Alright, let’s hear it…”
Lucifer picked up her other hoof with his hand, “Celestia, I can’t love you. Not just you, anybody. I can’t love living souls… it’s the way I am. I can be fond of you, empathize with you, even lust for you, but I can never love you. My soul is incapable of it. So, if our relationship were to continue we’d... we’d be closed to sex-buddies, not lovers.”
Celestia blinked. “So you’re telling me that we’d just be friends... who sometimes drink and have sex together?”
Lucifer sighed, “Essentially, yes. I can pretend to love you, but it wouldn’t be real. I’m sorry if that isn’t what you’re looking for, and I understand if it’s not.”
“Just... sex. With you. No strings attached? That’s it?”
“Yes?”
Celestia paused. “Yeah I can live with that.”
Celestia creeped back into her own castle like a foal sneaking home after being out past curfew. After just a few steps, a lamp turned on to reveal her sister sitting in an arm chair with a critical gaze. “And just where have you've been, young lady? And why is you rump redder than your face?”
“I was on a date, Luna,” Celestia sighed.
“Ohhhh, you naughty thing! I had no idea you were into that kinda stuff,” Luna said in a sultry voice.
“Yeah…” Celestia sighed, rubbing her backside while inhaling sharply through her teeth, “neither did I…”
“Hmm... o do we have a match? Will there be a date number two? Who’s the lucky guy?” Luna asked, elbowing her sister.
“No, sister, I do not think there will be another date, and the latter part is none of your business.” Celestia answered harshly. “Oh, on an unrelated note, Lucifer may be dropping by from time to time to uh... store excess tortured souls from his dimension, so if you hear some screaming from my room, it’s probably them.”
“What?”
“Also, do we have any ping-pong paddles?”
“What?”
“Night!”
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The portrayal of god annoyed me but this is a comedy/crackfic so *sighs. I suppose that was to be expected.
This only works because Lucifer here is lying about everything he told Celestia.
Its how he rolls.
Because heaven and hell and most of all God obviously don't work like that
Also the Canon Devil doesn't have any genitalia and can't breed
A glorious chapter. I love the reference in the title.
For some reason, I saw Dio for the devil:
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121002174935/jjba/images/thumb/e/e6/Dio_Adult.png/511px-Dio_Adult.png
And when she mentioned ping longs, THIS played in my head:
By the way, I have another immortal for the list:
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090717001617/bionicle/images/f/f1/CGI_Toa_Mata_Nui_Titan.jpg
The Great Spirit, Mata Nui. In his Mask of Life form, preferably, because Sunbutt can't exactly date a robot the size of an island. Wait, CAN she?
Man, I love it when people portray Satan as totally chill, it's one of my favorite versions along with the South Park one
4517893
Please, put Dio in as a potential suitor.
I would like to see him try to go on a date, only for the Joestar family to butt in on his business.
So good mate.
Feels good man.
If you actually read the scripture for what it says and not for what everyone claims it says and with the eye of literary criticism...
This is upsettingly accurate.
Enjoyable chapter, though.
Best chapter EVER
or my top favorite 
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/193/750/357s2y.jpg
4517893 Pfffff...before I opened that picture, I thought you were referencing Ronnie James Dio, the godfather of metal.
I liked this one. Reminds me of White Wolf's old "Demon: the Fallen" game line. Come to think of it, Lucifer becoming Celestia's friend-with-benefits might explain his absence in that universe...
About time the Bible got some flak
That would make me all the more comfortable as I go on in my life, so long as I stay morally sound
4517950
Shenanigans at the reader's expense is what I thrive on.
Nay, that'd be this fellow right here:
fc08.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/307/e/3/It__s_Giygas_by_RiboZurai.gif
~The lizardman is finished
4517876
In Islamic lore, angels bred with women, creating Cyclops', so whatever devil you look at, he might have something swinging between his legs.
Good chapter but did she ever go out with jack?
OK, this chapter was already epic from Bohemian Rhapsody reference that is the title.
But to characterize Lucifer/Beelzebub/Satan like that was awesome. That's how I always figured he'd be, if Hell was real.
Also, Bohemian Rhapsody = Best. Song. Ever.
Did you quote queen?
Wow, first time someone had done the Devil in this. About time, so many opportunities came up with that kinda joke.
One quote I heard that I thought was very interesting was "The greatest trick the Devil ever did was to convince everyone he was God."
I'm not much one for theology, but I've heard Lucifer was actually SUPPOSED to be tempting Adam and Eve. Also, in theory, not necessarily in practice, a god who loves all SHOULD be fine if you're worshipping the wrong god, 'cause whoop dee doo, you only live for ~100 years at most anyway so boo hoo, drops in the ocean as far as cosmic worship time is concerned, since you come to him or Satan after eternity anyway, if that's your deal.
The devil isn't some 80's villain with the horns and pitchfork, that isn't even biblical
He's a damn charismatic guy who's still an angel of light and has a damn fine singing voice since he was the highest ranked angel before he rebelled.
He's a subtle type of evil that works on every aspect of life and has the charisma to make people think wrong is totally right
Also the Devil doesn't reign in hell, hes a prisoner getting the worst of the torture
4517893
I want to put in an "it was me" pic, but I can't find one outside of Flash Sentry.
Okay, I admit, I'm Mormon, and this made me laugh. XD
When I see Lucifer, I always see the version on the show, "God, The Devil, and Bob". Unfortunately, my computer isn't allowing me to post pictures to show you what I mean.
And, thanks to the title, I have Queen's Bohemian Rapsody stuck in my head.
Quick! Replace it with Led Zeppelin's Starway to Heaven!
4517986 I beg to differ.
happykatana.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/otto.jpg
This cute lil' guy right here? Yeah, he's the most evil thing that has ever existed.
4518160
I know, right?! I thought I was the only one! And now Queen is stuck in my head, too... NOW I GOTTA PLAY IT!
NOPE.avi
This is.....
i1.ytimg.com/vi/46z8jb8kg0o/maxresdefault.jpg
The nightmares man.
4517978 Mind if I write a sequel to this chapter?
4518283
happykatana.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/otto.jpg
See this guy? Yeah, is evil (unless you read creepypastas).
Pretty much sums up my personal religious beliefs.
Ping Pong paddles? Archer reference? Nice.
ok wow I just had an idea for one, Who else here has read Piers Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality series?
How about Chronos? The backwards man?
4518597
Nah man, it's cool. This story isn't here to slam religions, I'll make sure of that.
4518597
If one begins to critically examine any faith from an objective standpoint, all of them become ridiculous. That's why it's a matter of faith and belief rather than a fact people can agree on. Comedy bruises everyone equally, and the material of this chapter may not be right, but it's also not completely wrong about the material. Just food for thought.
4518597
I wanted to write Satan as he would portray himself in a way to sway others. It would be kinda hard to get others to back him if he told everyone he was the bad guy, of course his side of the story is going to make him look good.
* jaw drop*.........do I even want to ask what ping pong paddles are for also the god of demons is going at celestia big bubble, butt every now and then for some stress time..........oh that son of a bitch hit jack pot
Dat Queen Doe.
4518608 You must now have Celestia go on a date with Freddie Mercury.
His homosexuality not withstanding.
GET IT DONE.
I just think of Lucifer from Supernatural.
4518608 so no 'fight fight fight kiss kiss kiss'...?
On the other hoof... how about Spawn?
Or err... Megatron?
Madonna?
Maybe Mordekaiser from League of Legends! He has a band called Pentakill and he plays a GIANT GUITAR!!
Personally sometimes I think this is how it is when I read the Old Testament (except for Lucifer being good)
4518337 I guess so...THAT EXPLAINS YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT! OOOOOH!
No, no. I really don't care. Have a nice life.
How about... Ashera from Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn? Celestia could date her after seeing that she's a goddess of order, and thus thinking that she's "safe". Yune could show up too, and would end up being the only chaos god that Celestia actually likes.
4517924 I was considering pointing that out too, having actually READ the Bible, but I was wary of starting a flamewar.
Shin Megami Tensei in a nutshell, everyone.
4518283 You...what have you done?
You've contaminated the entire site!!!
Oh, thank the Fates. I have ALWAYS wanted to see Lucifer portrayed as a nice guy, essentially the jail warden of the universe, who just has really bad PR. I mean, if he's evil, then he's just gonna party with the bad guys' souls, and if he does his job and punishes the sinful, then he's a good guy. Thank you, guest author, for portraying The Man in Red as he should be.
4517893 A date with Mata Nui would be an interesting read.
A date with Herobrine