Guest Chapter: What A Pig (Razalon The Lizardman)
Celestia had been on a plethora of dates with immortals, and had met a plethora of different types of them as a result. Everything from gods of the afterlife, to space-time travelers, to beasts, and her least favorite of all, the dreaded Chaos Gods. Her experiences with these dates had just as much variety as they themselves were as well, from general insanity, to heartbreak, to shock and horror, and even death and resurrection.
But never, on any of her dates, had she felt absolute terror like she was feeling right now.
Princess Celestia trotted along a dark blue and purple pathway inside an underground cave system, splotches of glowing... something, littering the ground all along her route. She’d been told to come to her date’s native dimension and into this very cave system to meet him. From his profile, in spite of a (in her opinion) childish sense of humor, he sounded like a nice enough guy, which is why it struck her as odd that he’d choose to hang out somewhere as creepy as this place.
No, scratch that; the cave was more than just creepy. A whole lot more.
A deep, foreboding feeling burrowed its way into Celestia’s brain, wrapping around her psyche and holding it in a vice-like grip, and yet she had no idea why she felt this way. Sure, the cave was dark, weird, and a booming sound similar to thunder went off every once in a while, but that was stuff she’d learned to cope with since fillyhood. The feeling she felt as her stomach twisted into knots and sweat poured down her brow was something else entirely.
The cave just felt... wrong, to her, like there was something about it that should’ve been impossible and yet it wasn’t.
Discord, Apep, Cthulhu, and all the other Chaos Gods are definitely preferable to this place, she decided, yet continued on regardless, not wanting to disappoint her date.
After some time of traversing the caverns, all the while taking care not to step in the enigmatic substance littering the ground, she finally came across something unusual.
Resting at the top of a rock formation, a ladder running up the side for non-flyers, was a metallic, spherical capsule. It was slightly taller than her and—upon coming in for a closer look—Celestia noticed the object had a porthole window built into the front, underneath of which was a marking shaped like a pig’s snout.
It was this last detail that piqued her curiosity, as it seemed familiar to her somehow. After pondering it for a few moments, her eyes shot open when she remembered her date’s name.
Can it be?
Acting on a hunch, the solar alicorn quickly charged up her horn and, in a bright flash, reappeared inside the device. She immediately found herself face to face with a small, pudgy old man with faded blonde hair, wearing suspenders and with a face that reminded her of a pig’s muzzle. He sat inside a spider-like mech which was hooked up to a power cable that ran into a number of other devices, one of which being a highly sophisticated laptop.
The man grinned. “How nice to finally meet you, Princess Celestia,” he greeted in a hoarse voice, authenticating his ancient appearance. “It truly is an honor.” He coughed and then gasped for several moments after saying his fill.
Celestia flinched in response to his coughing fit, which resulted in her banging her head against the ceiling. Wincing at the pain for a moment, Celestia quickly realized just how cramped things were inside the capsule. Even without the addition of herself, the interior was already occupied fairly well by her date and his machines; she had to sit on her haunches and position her legs onto either side of the spider mech in order to fit comfortably.
“Are you Porky Minch?” Celestia asked once she’d made herself comfortable.
“Yes, that is me,” he replied with a slightly devious smirk and further coughing. “And this is my home.”
Celestia stared blankly at him for a moment before realizing he was referring to the capsule, to which she arched an eyebrow in confusion. “You live inside this?”
“It’s called the Absolutely Safe Capsule,” Porky clarified. His smirk fell away into a grim line as he continued. “It was built by some... old friends, I guess you could say.”
Celestia tilted her head. “An ‘Absolutely Safe Capsule’ you say?” she asked. “Does such a thing exist?”
Porky’s grin returned in full force. “It does exist, princess, and I live in it!” Porky then proceeded to let out an almost maniacal laugh which made Celestia attempt to back away from him out of fear, only to be met with the capsule’s cold metal wall. Porky continued laughing until he was cut off by another coughing fit, at which point he laid back on the spider mech to rest.
“So,” Celestia started, not sure if now was an appropriate time to speak, but decided to chance it anyways, “why must our date be set inside your Absolutely Safe Capsule? I mean, no offense, of course, but it is rather compact in here.” To demonstrate her point, Celestia attempted to unfold her wings to their largest span, only to be halted by the capsule’s walls halfway through.
Porky lightly chuckled. “Well, princess,” he sat up and stared at the white alicorn with a sinister gaze that sent chills down her spine, “that’s because I can’t leave.”
Celestia stared confused, to which Porky proceeded to explain.
“The Absolutely Safe Capsule is truly a piece of brilliance. It protects whatever is inside from every manner of damage conceivable. It’s been bombarded by lava flows, earthquakes, even a starstorm or two, and still it remains in perfect condition. But this protection is twofold, for once the Absolutely Safe Capsule closes it can never be reopened, to which whatever is inside can never do harm unto the outside world.”
Celestia stared wide-eyed at Porky, her jaw hanging unhinged. “You mean...” she started, struggling to form words, “you’re trapped in here forever? Why would you subject yourself to eternal isolation?”
Porky chuckled again. “I‘ll admit to being rather hasty in using the Absolutely Safe Capsule without knowing I’d never be able to leave it, but,” he leaned back again and stared up at the ceiling idly, as if reminiscing, “I couldn’t have asked for a better fate.”
Hearing that boggled Celestia’s mind. Just who is this man? she thought.
Celestia was tempted to just call off the date and teleport out of the capsule right then and there, but a growing curiosity within her brain kept her rooted to the spot as she tried to make sense of Porky’s statements.
“I suppose we should start this date in earnest,” Porky suddenly said, snapping Celestia from her thoughts. “Although, I must admit ignorance as to how these are usually conducted.”
Celestia arched an eyebrow. “You’ve never been on a date before?”
Porky shook his head. “Truth be told I’m quite ignorant for my age, which I don’t even know myself.” He burst into another coughing fit.
Celestia blinked. Then she adopted a curious expression before saying, “How about we start things off by getting to know each other, as that’s how dates typically start out?”
Porky smiled and returned her gaze. “Very well, princess.”
And so the two spent the next couple of hours exchanging anecdotes about each other’s past experiences, their hobbies, favorite foods (and other random trivia), and general outlook on life.
Celestia was initially appalled to learn that Porky had betrayed humanity and sided with Giygas, an alien being set on plunging the whole universe into eternal darkness, deeming all living things to be ‘the garbage of the universe’. It wasn’t until he went back even further and explained his early childhood that Celestia realized exactly why Porky was such a misanthrope. Both he and his younger brother Picky were horribly abused by their parents Lardna and Aloysius, who also held a deep resentment for the family next door for some reason involving money, but Celestia didn’t pay attention to the specifics. She was particularly interested to learn that Porky held this family’s son, named Ness, in good regards and, despite having fought directly against him alongside Giygas still considered Ness to be a good friend.
Continuing on, she learned that Porky had ended up inside the Absolutely Safe Capsule as the result of a foiled attempt to end the world using the ‘dark dragon’, so as to rid the earth of everyone who wouldn’t like him. It ultimately hadn’t been necessary, however, for Porky came to appreciate the total isolation afforded to him by being stuck inside the capsule. Though he would spend the rest of eternity sealed inside, at least he could be happy all the while.
When Celestia had asked Porky why he wanted a date if he was so content to spend eternity alone, he replied by stating he’d ‘grown bored of playing Mother’ and took to browsing the dimension-wide interwebs looking for something else to do to pass eternity by. Eventually he came across notforeveralone.com and figured it might be fun to try his luck with the ladies.
He really is still a child at heart, Celestia mused upon hearing his answer.
Eventually they finished talking, by which time all the previous nervousness and uncertainty Celestia had felt towards Porky was replaced with genuine sorrow.
“So, what happens now?” Porky asked, immediately going into another coughing fit.
“Actually, Porky,” Celestia replied, pursing her lips, “I think it’d be better if I left now.”
Celestia held her breath in anticipation of verbal backlash. She was pleasantly surprised, however, when Porky merely tilted his head in confusion. Letting out her breath, Celestia proceeded to explain.
“It’s not that I don’t like you as a person. I can look past everything you’ve done and accept you for the unfortunate soul that you are, but only to the extent of friendship. I’ll admit you are charming in your own way, but I’m looking for someone with more maturity than you to get romantically involved with.” She smiled warmly. “If you want, however, I’d be more than happy to take you with me back to Equestria. You could be free of the confines of this capsule and live in a world where people would be accepting of you. Regardless of your choice, however, I will respect your wishes.”
Porky stared back at her for a long while, clearly spaced out as he thought hard about the offer he was being given. Celestia waited patiently for his answer while he did so, all the while lamenting the loss of yet another guest room at the castle if he accepted her offer.
Eventually, Porky replied with, “Could I rebuild my empire of New Pork City?”
Celestia pursed her lips. “That... might be asking too much.”
Porky huffed and laid back down. “Then I’ll stay here.”
Celestia smiled wryly before leaning over and kissing Porky’s forehead, causing the ancient little scamp to blush profusely.
“If you ever change your mind,” Celestia said softly, “you know how to contact me.”
She charged up her horn and teleported out of the Absolutely Safe Capsule in another bright flash. No sooner had she left then Porky smiled, his cheeks still bright red.
“She digs me.”
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Good lord Porky Minch. Even dating somepony he still manages to make me hate him.
Poor Porky, living in his own little world.
I sure as hell wouldn't want to spend eternity in a capsule.
From the title I immediately thought Nintendo, but I was REALLY off on my guess. Also
Huh. That was interesting.
But is he actually immortal? The capsule may protect him from harm, but unless it somehow suspends time, he'd still age and die. There was never anything supernatural about Porky himself.
4493473 ...Actually, you were damn accurate.
4493473
Got it.
4493485 Dude, by this point in the Mother timeline, he is anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 YEARS OLD. And that is BEFORE he seals himself in the Absolutely Safe Capsule. Which doubles as a perfect life support system, i imagine.
Lol Earthbound and Ness. Good times
4493508
I've only ever beaten Earthbound. Never played Mother, never beat Mother 3. So I don't know.
Hey! Earthbound! Oh, my LORD! It's been AGES since I last touched that series! Oh, the memories...
Well, at least he can't reproduce inside that thing.
Great, now I want to play Earthbound again. I have enough stuff on my plate without you dredging up my highschool/college pastimes, Lizardman!
PORKY!? FROM EARTHBOUND!? WTF!!! I HATE THAT GAME!!! WHY? CUS THE FINAL BOSS FUCKING RAPED MY FUCKIN MIND!!!! HE IS CREAPY AS FUCK!!! I COULND'T SLEEP WELL FOR A WHOLE MONTH AFTER LOOK AT SOME GAME PLAY FORM THAT GAME!!! GOD DAMN IT WHY...WHY PORKY!!!!
...but still funny chapter as always!
4493485
As mentioned by that other fellow, thanks due to his abuse of time travel he will exist throughout eternity, as the maker said "Even as the sun fades and dies, Porky will remain in the capsule alone"
4493473 Who were you expecting?
4493527 There is no Earthbound, only Mother 2. And a quick search on Wikipedia will tell you all you need to know if you have no intention of playing the other two games, which can be downloaded online until Nintendo officially releases them over here in 'Murica.
4493500 While I understand why you edited Porky's coughing fits, the reason I wrote them as various combinations of *cough* and *wheeze* and *gasp* was to emulate his speech in Mother 3. Just thought I'd let you know.
4493637 Yer wholeheartedly welcome, matey!
~The lizardman is finished for now
4493473 XD Same here.
If we're going vintage, gotta suggest Ganondorf again. Also, really hope he gets a death battle with Bowser by Screwattack. It would be epic.
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I know, but grammar wise they're incorrect in a story telling form, so I had to cut them out.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
4493748
I want to play them. I have Mother 3 on emulator/rom with the translation patch. I just never beat it.
4493763 I know, but don't you start thinking my grammar needs work. Ya here me, Raynebowobb? I is a master gramgram er!
4493527 ..You need to play Mother 3. I have an Emulator and a ROM with the Translation Patch applied....
4493835
As do I. I just never beat it.
The one aspect of the game that all the FAQs I read said was an important thing to master - the rhythm hits - I sucked at on emulator.
She totally digs him.
got bored of playing Mother
bored of playing Mother
of playing Mother
Playing
Mother
iseewhatyoudidthere.jpeg
Dr. Brackman HYPE!
Another great chapter, keep em comin' guys!
Ahh, nostalgia, jenus I haven't touched earthbound in a while.
4493748
This guy
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120306222603/powerlisting/images/1/12/Ganondorf.png
or maybe this one for the beard.
wikicheats.gametrailers.com/images/b/ba/Smash_Bros_Brawl_Ganondorf.jpg
You know Celly likes the beards.
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Yarr!
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YARR!
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static.fjcdn.com/large/pictures/a7/8f/a78fa4_2337236.jpg
Yar.
Herobrine, Respawning!Steve, and/or Notch. Please!!!! Flutershy begs you
4493848 Well thanks, that explains quite a bit.
Oh Celestia you dirty, dirty girl!
Check it, intelligence and traditional life-span aside, there has never been a recorded Death of an Ork which the cause was natural.
img.4plebs.org/boards/tg/image/1368/72/1368721941285.jpg
Fantastic Chapter, looking forward to more contributes :D
4493735
That is... really bloody dark
Nightmare Moon
Albert Weaker
4493846 ..You wanna know the secret? On Emulator, either the sound or the game itself will lag JUST enough to throw it off. You need to time it differently.
4495062
And I can never get it to work right.
Honestly, I wish someone would make up a music based FAQ, taking every battle music and listing the beat for the rhythm hits with it.
4495078 Well..In order to get past that..the best i can suggest is maxing out your level and getting the best armor possible..
4495155
That's why I spent time grinding for the rare equip drops, and backtracking for secret equips.
4493754
How about the Windwaker version?
This chapter really made my day. Cheers to a fellow Earthbound/Mother fan! =D
for a second I thought it said that Ness was Porky's son.
4495242
I prefer Ocarina of Time myself.
4494804
He doesn't mind it though, he was trying to destroy everything before because he found it funny and he'd still be alive then too.
I thought at first that you were going to be doing Ganon, which would have been awesome. This was still awesome though.
Could you please do Ganon?
I'm still in the mood for Dante from Devil May Cry 3
4495203 Also, make sure to get PK Ground
4496061 Yeah, totally thought it was gonna be Ganon, too.
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4495374 Kickass trailer is kickass.