• Published 25th Jul 2013
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Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website - RainbowBob



Trying to spice up Celestia's love life, Luna signs her up on a dating website. Now Celestia has to go on a series of dates with other immortals. This should end nicely.

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Guest Chapter: Fool (Dawn Flower)

Celestia peeked over the top of her menu to get another look at her date for this evening. It was a simplistic anthropomorphic creature, whose diminished stature only came up to where her legs met with the rest of her body, and that was including the tall top hat it wore atop his head. Its misshapen facial features were comprised of bulbous eyes that looked like a failed arts and crafts project. It also had a prominent upturned snout while the remainder of its small white body displayed slender limbs and feet strangely akin to those of a rabbit. Despite those features, it had a slight indication of prestige with some high quality attire, consisting of a white top hat that nearly equalled it in height and a similarly coloured shirt with a frilled ruff worn under a white jacket.

He sat on the other side of the table to her, with a menu in his hands, and a cane resting beside his chair.

Celestia was still amazed that she had been able to get a reservation at a restaurant so easily, what with all the chaos that had happened during almost all of her other dates ruining her reputation across several worlds.

Taking it as a sign that this date might possibly go well, she decided to start things off and address her date. Putting her menu back down on the table, she cleared her throat and got ready to speak. “So, mister Excalibur, is it? Why don’t you tell me a little more abou…”

“Fool!” He suddenly cut her off, with his cane, which seemed to somehow instantly appear in his hand, pointed right in her face. He then quickly leapt up so that he was now standing on his chair; though this still only brought him up to eye level with the still sitting alicorn. “There are one thousand provisions for a date with me that you must abide by if you wish to continue the pleasure of being in my company.” Celestia was already regretting this date, which wasn’t anything strange for her at this point, but it still came much sooner than usual, which did not bode well for her. She already couldn’t stand this creature; but she decided to at least tough it out for a little longer.

“Provision No. 402: I am to be the one to start off every conversation, except for the times when I do not want to talk.”

Celestia was confused. “But how am I supposed to know…”

“Fool!” He cut her off again, again pointing his cane right in her face. Letting out an annoyed sigh, Celestia simply pushed the cane away from her.

“Now then,” Excalibur started again, bringing his cane back down and positioning it in front of him, holding it with both of arms. “Provision No. 001: I start off every date with a cup of coffee with cream.” Excalibur stated.

At this, Celestia took a confused glance at the cup of tea that was sitting in front of her date for this evening. “But you’re drinking tea…”

“Fool!” He again cut her off, pointing his cane in her face once again as well. Placing it back down in front of him again and putting both hands on it, he then turned his head to the side, looking away a little, with an air of superiority about him. “Like I said: I start off every date with a cup of coffee with cream.”

Celestia let out another sigh of annoyance. That kind of thing had become a regular breathing exercise for her lately. She was again considering bailing on this date already, but if she was being completely honest, she had still had worse dates, so she could at least stick it out for a little bit longer.

Trying to compose herself, using the same breathing exercises that she taught her niece, she breathed in and then out again. Once she felt that she was in a better frame of mind, she put on a friendly smile, and returned her full attention to her date. “Alright then, now how about you tell me…”

“Fool!” He cut her off again.

Celestia’s face slumped. “Five more minutes.

Trying again to regain her composure, Celestia let out yet another sigh. “Like I was trying to say…”

“Fool!”

“I’m just trying to…”

“Fool!”

“But I…”

“Fool!”

“Just tell me about yourself!” Celestia screamed at the top of her lungs. She was nearly at her wits end with this guy.

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so.” Her date said in a suddenly more composed manner.

Celestia simply slumped back into her seat, rubbing at her temples with both of her hooves, to try and stop her brain from herniating itself. “Four more minutes.

With the conversation now on him, Excalibur sat back in his chair, comfortably, with his cane between his legs. “My legend dates back to the twelfth century, you see. My legend is very old; the twelfth century was a long time ago. As you can no doubt tell from that, I am quite famous, indeed.”

Celestia sat up straighter at that remark. The twelfth century was only nine hundred years ago. If that was when his legend first arose, that would make him quite young for an immortal. She supposed she could always chalk up his strange mannerisms to his youth. At least she hoped.

“Would you like to hear more about my amazing exploits?” Excalibur asked, his words dripping with pride.

Celestia let out another sigh again. “Sure, why not?”

“Well you don’t sound all that enthusiastic about it, but alright.” He spoke in a rushed tone. “My legend dates back to the twelfth century.” He continued, in a much hammier tone.

Excalibur then used his magic power to create a flashback that they could both see, in the middle of the table, between the two of them. It appeared before them in a small mist, which began parting out from the centre, revealing the images inside.

In the flashback, there was a strong, dashing warrior, clad in silver armor with red cloth flaps, riding atop a magnificent steed. Celestia had to admit, that she would rather be on a date with this warrior right now. Next to the man, stood Excalibur, who in the flashback, sported a beard and moustache that ran all the way down his long snout to his chin. He had a composed and serious look on his face, with both hands placed on his cane, planted firmly in the ground in front of him.

The two of them both stood on the edge of a cliff, overlooking a battlefield, where a large army stood against them. The two of them were the only ones on their side, facing off against this mighty horde of enemies alone.

“Our enemies have amassed a great army to fight against us, it seems.” The warrior exclaimed.

“Yes. This will indeed be a battle for the ages.” Excalibur replied, also keeping his gaze straight forward, on their enemies.

“This will not be an easy fight to win.” The warrior then looked down from his horse, towards his comrade. “Excalibur, will you lend me your power, so that we might purge these invaders from our home?”

“Right!” Excalibur nodded affirmatively, with stalwart determination evident in his voice.

Celestia would have preferred that she were on a date with this Excalibur right now. He seemed like a true and respectable gentleman; chivalrous and rational, unlike the ten pounds of pure ego crammed into a five pound body, sitting in front of her right now.

Then was then a flash, and Excalibur’s body was suddenly engulfed in a majestic, golden light. The beam of light then shot straight into the warrior’s outstretched hand, coalescing into a radiant, golden broadsword of unparalleled beauty and unsurpassed symmetry.

Gripping Excalibur tightly in his hand, the warrior readied his steed and charged forward into battle, letting loose a mighty battle cry. As he neared his enemies, he let loose a single swipe of his sword, rending the very space in front of him, crushing rows upon rows of enemies, as he single handedly defeated an entire army.

After that scene had played out, the flashback faded away, disappearing in a puff of smoke. Celestia had to admit, that that was pretty amazing, and no doubt worthy of legend. However, she also found it strange, with how contradictory the Holy Sword’s personality seemed between then and now.

“Well,” Celestia started, now sounding more intrigued and wanting to know more about him. “That was certainly…”

“Fool!” Excalibur interrupted her yet again, pointing his cane right in her face, just inches away from her muzzle. “Provision No. 211: Never give me an answer before I ask the question first.” He then withdrew his cane from her face, brought it back in closer to his body, then turned his head slightly away to the side, and started humming gently to himself.

Celestia had to raise her hoof to her face to force herself to remain composed now. She was almost at her wits end, and her anger from before was now back and bigger than ever. “Who could ever tolerate this guy for more than a few minutes? Which reminds me; two more minutes. But how am I supposed to know wh…”

“Fool!” Excalibur quickly turned around to face her again, pointing his cane at her. “Provision No. 058: Never talk to me while I’m humming to myself.” That was the first time that he actually sounded agitated.

*Snap* (That was Celestia’s patience.)

“Would you kindly shut the buck up for once and stop being so obnoxious!” She screamed at him, using her Royal Canterlot Voice, her nostrils flaring. She hasn’t used that voice in over a thousand years, but this guy was so intolerable that she made an exception and fell back into old habits. Her first mistake was talking to him. No wait; her first mistake was agreeing to this date. But talking to him was definitely a close second.

“Fool!” Excalibur immediately retorted, quickly jumping back up to his feet. “You have just broken the most important provision for a date with me. Provision No. 111: Never speak out of turn.”

Celestia was now visibly shaking with rage, and her left eye twitched. “Here’s what I think of your stupid provisions!” She hissed through her teeth.

Converting all of the anger that she felt at the moment into raw energy, she then channelled that energy into her horn as it lit up in a golden aura, and she grabbed Excalibur’s cane. Resting easily from his grasp with her anger-enhanced strength, she then lifted it up into the air, between the two of them, and, with all of her rage fueled strength, she snapped it in two.

Feeling extremely refreshed after having gotten much of her stress out of her system by breaking her date’s cane, she smiled jovially to herself and dropped the two pieces of the accursed cane back down on the table. “Be thankful that wasn’t your spine.” She spoke with a proud smile on her face.

Simply staring back at Celestia, blinking once, and then looking down at his broken cane and blinking again, he then simply said, “You realize that you have to buy me a new cane now, right?”

Celestia couldn’t even form a response to that in the state she was in now, and her left eye started twitching, as her earlier rage started to return again.

“That was from the twelfth century, when my legend first arose. It’s not going to be easy to replace.” Excalibur stated matter-of-factly.

Looking back up towards Celestia, he could see her face literally turning red from anger, dangerously close to performing one of her faithful student’s so called ‘rage shifts’. Before she could explode however, he abruptly cut her off again, but it was not in the way that she expected. “Alright, I admit that perhaps I have been a little insensitive on our date so far, and I apologize for it. Please allow me to make it up to you.”

Celestia’s fuming red face suddenly softened, and returned to its usual splendid white. She blinked once. She certainly hadn’t been expecting that response. Perhaps maybe she had been too hasty in judging him, and…

“…with a song and dance number.” He suddenly piped up, in his usual over-the-top demeanor.

Celestia’s face immediately slumped again. There goes that thought.

Excalibur then once again stood up in his seat. “There is no creature alive that is not utterly captivated by my exquisite singing.” Excalibur stated, his voice dripping with pure, unadulterated ego.

He then pushed his chair out from the table and hopped off. When he had landed on the ground and walked a good distance away, so that he had enough space to dance, he then leaned forward, with one hand in the air, balancing on one leg.

Suddenly, he then hopped forward, in a rhythmic fashion. “♪Excalibur. Excalibur.♪” He started singing, in his normal speaking voice, while hopping and spinning around erratically, dancing, which probably would have looked better with the cane. “♪Excalibur. Excalibur.♪

While in the middle of his singing and dancing, he then suddenly froze in place, completely silent, perched on his toes, leaning forward, balancing on one foot.

“So are you don…”

♪Excalibur.♪

“You can stop now.”

“Fool!” Excalibur retorted, his hand pointed towards her face, as if he still had his cane.

Celestia just rolled her eyes, grunted in irritation, and facehooved hard. Why is it that she can only get a reservation at a restaurant these days for the dates that turn out horribly?

“One more minute.”


Luna sat on the couch in her chambers, with a pack of Cheetos lying next to her, spilled out on the couch. She had her controller held in front of her in her magical levitation, playing Legends of Equus Online.

She leaned forward in concentration. “Masher, cover me while I take out the objective.” She said to her teammate, through her headset.

While she was moving her character into position, she then suddenly heard the sound of hooves clopping against the marble of the castle floor, just outside her room. Given the late hour, as well as the orders/royal decree that she had given her guards not to come near her room during a gaming session, she figured that her sister must be back from her date now.

“NightWalker is A.F.K.” Luna spoke into her headset. She then slipped it further down her neck, as she picked herself up off the couch and made her way over to the door.

Poking her head out, she spotted her older sister having just walked passed her room, looking… well, pretty much the same way she always looked after one of her dates.

“Oh, Sister, you’re back. And how was your date this evening?” She asked, wanting to know all the details.

Stopping where she was, Celestia just stomped loudly, showing just how not-in-the-mood-to-talk-about-it she really was.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Luna.” She said in an eerily quiet tone. She then turned her head back to face her sister. “EVER!”

Normally, Luna would start badgering her sister for all of the details of her date, especially if they had gone badly; however, simply from the look that her sister was shooting her right now, she quickly shoved those thoughts aside and slowly backed away into her room, without disturbing her sister any more, and focusing on not gaining her ire.

After she retreated back on to her couch, she continued playing her game. “NightWalker is back online.” She said to her teammates, slipping her headset back over her ears.

As she continued playing her game, she thought back to the expression that her sister had on her face when she looked at her just now… and she shivered. “That was one scary look she gave me just now. I wouldn’t want to meet the immortal that could make my sister make that face.” She said to herself.

As she returned to her game, she then thought to herself, “I wonder if I could use that face for my Nightmare Night costume. It’s certainly scary enough.

A moment later, she shook her head to get rid of those thoughts. “On second thought, that would be a very bad idea. I want to scare young foals, not traumatize them.

Author's Note:

First off, the story is alive once again! Different update schedule as well. New side stories as well once Dating Of A Godly Variety is done. Hope you guys are excited as I am! Also, looking for more guest chapters if anyone is willing to jump in on the fun (and also free story/author promotions)!

Guest chapter written by the immensely amazingly awesome Dawn Flower. Go check his stories out, such as Caged if you liked this chapter!

Excalibur is from Soul Eater, which can be summed up by this video.

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