The bathwater sloshed around sickeningly as Celestia rolled over. She glared at the water. It did not return the favor.
It was too early and Celestia was too hung-over for sloshing. She considered leaving the bath, but decided instead to sink once more beneath the tiny waves of her alicorn sized tub. The water, she thought, would at least keep Luna and her blasted computer from disturbing her once more.
Minutes passed before the sun princess resurfaced, her mane plastered to the side of her face. She left it there to block out the light and save her brain the trouble. With a sigh, she reached for the door into her chambers. She was interrupted by a twitch of her left ear.
Instinctively, she tilted her head in the direction of the sound, which was quickly gaining intensity. Using magic to dry herself off, Celestia popped her throbbing head out of the bathroom window and gazed skyward. After a few seconds, she was able to make out a rapidly accelerating item flying right for her tower.
She screamed. The noise hurt her head, so she stopped screaming and pulled it back into the room. Scrambling backwards, she tripped over a towel and fell into the tub. As she lay there, she decided to curse Luna—who else but her would put her through something like this—and wait for whatever was coming for her to just get it over with.
Celestia waited for several waterlogged moments before realizing that nothing had actually happened. This concerned her somewhat, and she climbed out of the tub, once again with a matted mane. As she absentmindedly dried herself again, she heard a loud crash coming from inside her chambers. She rushed in to confront the intruder.
As she entered her quarters, two things stood out. The first was that her tower was very much still standing. She took a second to appreciate this fact before moving on to the second, and, she figured, more important peculiarity. After blinking stupidly a few times, she came to the conclusion that there was an alien space craft on her balcony.
It was silver, oblong, and resembled an overturned bottle of Celestia’s favorite whiskey. Three struts extended from its lower half, and a ramp slowly extended from what she guessed was the entrance hatch. She walked slowly towards it, her hangover being pushed from the front of her consciousness. It throbbed jealously in return.
The ramp fully extended and the spaceship’s hatch crept open. Something stirred within. Celestia peered inside to see a tall figure emerge with a dignified air. Celestia stepped back wordlessly.
She realized that the creature, a tall, grey biped with a score of golden collars circling around its neck, looked just like what she thought an alien should look like. Were she to write a book about him, she would have noted with distinction his pale gray green alien skin that had that lustrous sheen about it that most gray-green races can acquire only with plenty of exercise and very expensive soap. She began to speak, but the creature raised a hand to silence her.
“Celestia,” it said with a sophisticated accent, “you are an equine land whale. A total lardass. I suggest you try a light beer once in a while.”
And with that, the alien turned, entered his vessel, and departed in a large blast of hot air. Celestia, wishing she still had the hangover, sat on the balcony and watched him leave. She gazed in silence until her bedroom door burst open.
“Wowbagger! Waiiiiiit!”
Luna ran onto the balcony and trained her eyes on the rapidly accelerating space ship. She frowned.
“Jeeze, you could at least stop in to say hi. . .”
Celestia moved from wishing she was still hungover to wishing she was still drunk. She stared up at her sister. A feeble “Wha?” was all she could produce.
Luna sat down angrily. “You didn’t tell me you were seeing him!”
“Seeing who? That jerk? He came down here, scared me half to death, called me fat and—”
Luna interrupted her. “He called you fat?”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes, Luna, your buddy called me fat. Then he just took off, and—”
The moon princess burst out laughing. “Wait, Celly, tell me—what exactly did he call you?”
Celestia glared at her sister, who recoiled slightly.
“Never mind, I’ll ask him later.”
Celestia grabbed her giggling sister. “You know that creep?”
“Know him? I dated him for a while! His name is Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged. He became immortal after an industrial accident a couple millennia ago, and has spent the last few centuries running around the galaxy insulting sentient beings. Guess it was your turn.”
Celestia stared at her sister. She turned to the sky, and back to Luna.
“He became immortal... and didn’t know what to do with his time... and goes around the universe insulting living creatures..." Luna paused, then shrugged. “In alphabetical order, I should add.”
Celestia closed her eyes. “I see.”
She released Luna and rose, slowly. She could hear the bathtub calling for her to return to its silky embrace. She turned to Luna. “Do you still have his number?”
This time it was Luna at a loss for words. “What?”
“His number. I want to date him.”
“But why? He called you fat!”
Celestia glared again. “Yes, he did. And I will be sure to have a... polite conversation about his choice of words. But I have to guess that a man as... well traveled as he must know a thing or two about how to please a lady. Plus, he wasn't too bad looking either."
Luna lost her battle with the giggles and flopped on the floor in hysterics. Her sister scoffed and decided that another bath would be a good idea after all.