Things happen. Nothing happens in between these things. If they did, they'd simply be things with more nothing between 'em. So how do you measure the nothing? Two ponies, equally flawed, intend to find out together... no matter how far it takes them.

This is the story that won first place in /fic/'s eighteenth write-off competition. The original story--here, split into three chapters--was written and edited over a period of just seventy two hours. I intend to add additional chapters whenever the fit comes upon me. Do yourself a big favor and check out all the other awesome entries as well!

Like a stallion terrified of having children, they pulled me out of retirement. I was the best Special Agent they had, which was saying a lot, because I'm about as effective at my job as a mime having a stroke, and only half as hilarious. But I've been called upon to serve my nation again, and like the gift of surprise fellatio, I am bound to serve my nation well, and hopefully without any of the implied sexual humiliation. So I gotta buckle up and prepare for survivor's guilt, just like the time I had to go up against those racially-biased SAT questions involving graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content.
When you're in a noir situation like mine, you could only think in metaphors and similes.

THIS IS A DEAD FIC

Sweetie Belle awakens one day to find that Death has made a serious clerical error, and accidentally took the lives of every single other living thing in Equestria. Knowing that she might go insane if left alone, and needing her potent young unicorn magic, Death brings her along to journey on hoof to Canterlot, in hopes that they can revive Princess Celestia and, hopefully, repair the damage that Death has inadvertently done.

They say that getting there is half the fun... And thus, on the way to the castle, Death and Sweetie Belle engage in philosophical debate. For after all, who better to ask about life and living than one who has seen so man lives lost, for years almost infinite and forgotten?

Incomplete, further chapters are in progress, the philosophy begins in chapter two so otherwise you'll have to wait. Enjoy the introspectivity.

The erogenous 3rd edition. It's 30 percent longer, 300 percent better edited, 3000 percent more ethically dubious, and still narrated by Steven Fry.

It's that special time of the month again for the Elements of Harmony; the time when they get together for a Truth or Dare game of a more questionably pure nature. From long kept secrets, to reflecting on parties they can barely remember, their three years of friendship have changed them. For better or worse, they were still deciding on that.

This game will be different. Most likely for the worse, but that's what drinking before the sun sets can do. Or maybe them being hornier than usual. Or secretly planning each others sex lives. Or falling in love with each other. Or all four. Most likely all four.

Twilight wants to go out on her first date, but will alcohol and the raunchy advice of her friends help? Rainbow badly wishes to sedate her loins, or maybe she's looking for something more? What exactly, is Rarity planning for this night? Should they really add weed to the equation?

The Elements all have desires they haven't quite realized they have had, and a day long exchange of sex jokes and tension might lead to events that are out of their control. It was in their control once.

Our innocent little ponies seem to have sucked in too much Seth Rogen, but that's okay.

Right?...

It's Archer with ponies.

Inspired by fanart from artist Banshee42ru. Set a few years after Season 2 (pending future edits), the story follows the relationship of Spike and Apple Bloom. Their young love takes a serious turn when she finds herself pregnant with a half-dragon, half-pony foal. How will their family and friends react, and what will this halfbreed child mean for them and Equestrian society as a whole?

NOTE: Updates and new chapters tend to take a rather long time, but unless I actually put it as 'On Hiatus' I actually am working on it. It's not abandoned, I just have a really slow writing process.
Also, a while back someone sent this to Equestria Daily without asking me. I appreciate the thought, but they work on a strike system and I really don't want to be locked out.

Once upon a time, Spike went for a walk.

While on his walk, he was judged by an ancient alicorn, lodged with griffons, parlayed with air pirates, charmed a maiden of a mystical race, and dealt with the scourges of hate, fear, and racism while deliberately drawing the armies of myriad nations to the brink of global war.

Once upon a time, Spike went for a walk, and did all of this so that he could keep a promise to the one that meant the most to him... Twilight Sparkle.

In the first of three books, Pillars of the Sun (Chapters 1-15), Spike is devastated by Twilight's fate and grows more and more despondent as he attempts to understand what has happened to his dearest friend. A gentle nudge from a pony he trusts sends him looking for answers. When that nudge becomes a push he unravels ancient secrets... and risks losing himself before his attempt to rescue Twilight can even begin.

Commander Shepard remembers firing the crucible. She remembers she had to make an important choice. She remembers good friends, a lover, and plenty of loyal crewmen.

She just can't remember what her choice was. What the threat she was striving so hard to end was. Or what the faces of the most important people in her life look like.

She also has no idea how she wound up in the monster filled forest she's come to call home for the past eight months. Or how she picked up a snarky A.I. making its home in her omni-tool.

Pinkie Pie is visited by a strange customer whilst working at Sugarcube Corner. Hilarity ensues.

Zach, the Lone Wanderer, just returned after clearing out an alien mothership. With him, he brought some pretty interesting technology. After selling it off to Craterside Supplies's very own Moira Brown, the scientist/engineer/possibly-slightly-entirely insane woman tinkers around. Soon, she's off to a place full of new things to force her experiments on...

Take no more than one pill every six hours.
...oops.

Rainbow Dash accidentally gives Twilight a severe overdose of painkillers. Now, she and another visitor to the library must deal with the consequences of forgetting to read the label.

Rated Teen for drug references and strong pony language (Rainbow Dash uses the "b" word).

Accepted into Twilight's Library on 3/27/14.

Partial readthrough by Emporerson

~SPOILERS~
Click here to see the five references mentioned in the A/N.