• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,187 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

  • ...
74
 1,161
 10,187

Chapter Thirteen: Planning, Prep Talks, And Pressure Points

Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow huddled together in their train booth, looking at each other quietly. The train had been in motion for only a few minutes, but the momentary silence was needed for them to reflect on what Rarity had in plan for them tonight.

It seemed that from the instant that Rarity had stepped into Twilight's house that she had begun to weave together some grand scheme for later that night, much like what Twilight would have done if the strategy was in a field other than romance and sex. What was entailed in addition to going to Canterlot's clubs was anyponies guess, and Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow had begun to weave their own counter to Rarity's scheming to the best of their abilities. To say who was winning was anyponies guess.

It didn't matter though, because at the end of the night they all were going to hopefully be winners. Going to a high-end Canterlot club was usually a fun filled experience, and it was likely it would be one for the Elements of Harmony as well.

Or they would be extremely hungover, tired, and filled with regret and shame the morning after. That tended to be par for the course when ponies of their age bracket got drunk and flirted either successfully or unsuccessfully.

The silence between them had grown awkward, and it had to be broken.

Rainbow glanced at Applejack, swallowing down a ball of saliva that had collected in her throat.

"Applejack," she whispered, "I'm... sorry."

Applejack jumped, her mental concentration broken. She looked at Rainbow, raising an eyebrow at her statement. "Huh? What's to be sorry about, sugercube?"

Rainbow laid down on her side, her wild tail half hanging off of the seat. She flicked it up into the air out of interest, watching the bundles of colors move in a disorganized wave as they landed back onto the seat. "About taking the make out too far. I know it was part of the plan, but-"

Applejack sat down beside Rainbow, stroking through her mane. She smiled as she watched Rainbow's expression relax. "Dasha dear, ya gotta stop bein' so tense. Ya got more love in yer heart than ya take credit for, and ya just wanted ta show it. Don't be ashamed of it. It was part of the plan."

"And well..." Applejack clopped her forehooves together nervously, her cheeks quickly matching the red on her cutie mark. "Damn it, I'd be lyin' to twenty parts of myself if I said I didn't like it. Ya can kiss, Rainbow, and put on a show that'd turn a straight mare queer."

Twilight couldn't prevent herself from smirking. "I'll make no comment on Applejack's repressed sexual urges. None at all."

Applejack attempted to stare at Twilight, her red faced cheeks faltering as Twilight giggled quietly at her. She rested a forehoof on top of Rainbow's side, giving her a pat to deflect the faint grin that was spreading across Rainbow's muzzle. "I bet that Rarity has no idea in Tartarus what exactly is goin' on anymore, thinkin' that we might have feelings for each other with what we put into that kiss. It don't hurt that she thinks ya got real feelings for Twilight."

"Well... I do have feelings for both of you, and you both know that." Rainbow bit her bottom lip, glancing between Twilight and Applejack. "But we're the best of pals, AJ, and so many ponies think we're a couple and just don't admit it. I know we talked about this in the barn, and it felt... nice to kiss you like that, but when I think about it... I really don't want to do that again. And it's the same with you, Twilight. I care too much about you. You don't even know how much."

"Rainbow, you might be the most overlooked pony when it comes to complex emotions in Equestria," Twilight said.

"I love you so much, Twilight; and Applejack, you're so close to me that I can't even think of words to explain it." Rainbow stroked through her own mane, glancing down at the added length that rolled down her shoulders. "And now I have to think about falling in love with Rarity, of all ponies. It's just... a lot to think about."

Twilight took a firm drink of her lemonade, placing the bottle down to lean forward, her muzzle inches away from Rainbow's. "Whatever you do, don't force it," she stated. "Applejack and I aren't going to force it on each other, and while the plan is for her to get interested in you, I'm not going to force her to do it either. We just have to see if the chemistry between you two works."

"Exactly." Applejack kicked up her hind legs, resting them on Twilight's seat. "Rarity is double guessin' if you like me or Twilight, and isn't thinkin' about if we got anything up our manes. She'll be wide open to us pullin' her toward ya. I... think."

"And double guessing things is always a big mistake when I'm involved." Twilight smiled smugly, laying back in her seat.

She brushed through the locks of her mane idly, curling her tail around her side. "You just need to relax and enjoy the present, Rainbow, like you tend to do. I mean, look at me: I'm calm, and look what I was like only a few hours ago. We have this under control, and tonight is already shaping up to being something... well... epic. If I can borrow from your vocabulary."

"The reason you're so calm, Twilight, is because you nearly pissed yourself laughing at me and AJ," Rainbow said, a smile tracing itself over the corners of her lips.

"And you're not calm from straddling Applejack?" Twilight said. "Or that could explain why you're so tense."

Applejack and Rainbow blushed brightly in unison, averting their gazes from each other.

Rainbow lifted up her forehooves. "Alright." She exhaled. "Okay, I enjoyed making out with AJ. Your new hair makes you about twenty times hotter than before, but I really need to get into the game of trying to get the hots for Rarity. She's kind of the last one of us I've thought about like that, so it isn't easy. We're kinda different, if you haven't noticed."

"Really?" Applejack said, "thought that'd be Fluttershy who ya didn't want to puff up."

"Yeah... about that." Rainbow laid her muzzle on top of her forehooves, letting out a nervous chuckle. "Let's just say... Flight School was more like 'Fondling School' to both of us. It was how we learned so much about each other and... things. Gilda and me were friends in the porn stash kind of way. We both had egos that were way too big to work like that. Flutters' and me..."

"You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to, Rainbow Dash." Twilight's horn faintly flickered to life, lifting up the end of Dash's muzzle. "You just have a lot of love inside of you that you repress. Don't be ashamed about it."

Rainbow wiggled the tip of her nose. "Nah, it's all good. We were young, cloppy, and just exploring things. There's no hard feelings between us about it, just like with me and Pinkie. I guess I'm just kinda moody from all the planning and being pent up and stuff."

Applejack nodded gently. "I'm sure ya're in shock from kissin' both Twilight 'n I today, Dasha. And now all of this is happenin'? It don't matter how often crazy things happen to us, but it always surprises me. We haven't done somethin' like this before."

"And Pinkie hasn't helped me either," Twilight mumbled. "The laughing has, but still. Biology is biology. Hopefully if we all get some tonight it'll defibrillate our systems and we'll become relatively normal again."

Twilight blinked rapidly at her choice of words, Applejack and Rainbow returning the gaze as she repeated her sentence in her head.

She blushed, stroking her tail shyly. "I... think I shouldn't say anypony is 'getting some' ever again."

"Please don't for my sanity," Rainbow said. "Don't try to be cool like that."

Rainbow, Twilight, and Applejack broke out into a loud laugh, ignoring the curious looks that Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity gave them from across the train car.

"Jeez, you are friggin adorable when you try to be cool or hip like that, Twilight," Rainbow snorted. "You-gah! Get off of me! What are you doing?"

Twilight had leapt across her seat to lay on top of Rainbow as if she were a couch, looking down at her with an evil smirk spreading across her muzzle. She didn't seem to regret jumping over to the now heavily occupied side of the couch, nor did Twilight seem to feel bad about resting on top of Rainbow.

"Deciding to defibrillate you early and more innocently," she said, dragging the tip of a forehoof across the base of Rainbow's ponytail. "Applejack told me a few things about you that could be useful in future situations if I feel that you are getting too pent up for your own good. Not to mention it helps me as well with the physical affection, so it's an added bonus. It's not my fault you have a thick coat, Rainbow."

Rainbow looked up at Applejack in disbelief as Twilight laid down on top of her, dragging her forehooves up and down Rainbow's neck and mane. She snorted at Applejack in the most mild expression of betrayal that Equestria had ever seen.

Applejack shrugged. She couldn't help but grin a bit more sadistically than she should have. "I thought it was a useful thing to tell her. Rarity'll find out eventually. So that means that the three of us will know how to tame ya."

"All of you will," Rainbow grumbled. "Fluttershy and Pinkie know I like massages too."

"That means we all just pounce ya when ya get angry and rub ya down like a dog," Applejack said, patting Rainbow on the tip of her nose. "That's a mighty useful thing ta know, if you ask me."

"Buck all of you with something really, really sharp." Rainbow muffled her protest incoherently, burying her snout into her forehooves. Her tail smacked onto the couch to join her boycott of the massaging, but she didn't seem to be doing the easily available tactic of just rolling Twilight off of her.

"And speaking of sexual activity," Twilight said, "I think you and Rarity will make an... oddly good couple; once the angry sex phase is over, if it gets that far."

Rainbow snorted, opening an eye to look up at Twilight. "Come on. Really? How in the hay are we alike? And trust me: That phase will never stop. We'll get into a lot of fights, and that'll just mean we'll tackle each other and just do it on her sales desk."

Twilight and Applejack chuckled together at the imagery. It would be the best soap opera that Equestria would never see.

"Would you like me to make a list, Rainbow?" Twilight said, digging her forehooves into Rainbow's toned neck. She smiled at Rainbow's grumbling giving way to little nickers of content at the free massage. Twilight would also be lying to herself if the firm and yet furry couch she laid on top of wasn't a secret delight as well. "We can begin with the egos right from the start."

"We both have half of the ponies in Ponyville chasing us for a one night stand?" Rainbow grinned widely. "I can't blame them. We have the nicest butts around. You're a close third, Twi'."

Twilight sighed darkly. "My point stands," she gritted between her teeth.

"We both totally have them. Pretty sure mine is bigger, but she can be pretty airheaded when it comes to her clothing. Not that she isn't as talented as she says she is."

"I have to agree with Twi' on this," Applejack said, cracking open a bottle of sweet tea. "You're half as tough as ya say ya are, which still means ya can kick tail like nopony I know. And despite how lazy ponies might think ya are, I don't know a pony in Ponyville who trains their body like you do, Rainbow."

"And I know exactly why." Twilight looked down at Rainbow, a proud smile spreading across her lips. "Both of you are never satisfied with what you do. Nothing you produce is ever good enough, so you both strive to become better and better at what you love. You're afraid you will let down your peers by not giving a hundred and twenty percent, so you hide that fear behind your egos. The rest of us are happy with our jobs and lives, but you two chase your dreams and will damn anypony who says you aren't talented enough."

"To ponies who don't know ya it'd seem that you'd be a match made in Tartarus with your egos," Applejack said. "But we know that under the thick skin ya both have are two mares who'd give up those dreams to protect a pony. I know that she'd drop her business to save us in a flash, and if she had the chance afterwards she'd build it back up stronger than ever just to show everypony what she's got."

"And I'd give up the Wonderbolt's and my freaking life to save you guys," Rainbow said. "I don't even have to think about it."

Twilight stared down at Rainbow. "Rainbow! What-"

Applejack pressed a forehoof to Twilight's lips, shaking her muzzle from side to side. "If ya think you're gonna convince Rainbow not to do that then you don't know Rainbow anymore, Twilight. She's a stubborn son of a bitch, and I know full well she'd haunt me from the Summer Lands if I even thought of stopping her from givin' her life to save us."

Rainbow was gleaming for more ways than one.

It wasn't just the honest praise, although that certainly helped. It was her seeing the dots that were forming in her mind of how Rarity and her could connect. Of how they had a united ambition that could... work. Really work. They had a united drive toward unobtainable perfection, and they needed a pony who knew what that call was like.

Sure, they would certainly fight each other; they already traded verbal blows almost as much as she and Applejack dueled it out. But Rainbow... enjoyed those exchanges with Rarity. And as much of a huffing and puffing show Rarity put on, Rainbow had a hunch it helped Rarity vent in her own way as well.

And damn did Rarity have a sense of snarky sarcasm that just made Rainbow wet.

Although Twilight's was good in some ways and even better than Rarity in others too. It also made her wet, and she couldn't have them both intimately.

Rainbow's life sucked.

Although with Rarity's silver tongue, things could happen...

"And the last thing you guys want is me haunting you when you are taking a dump." Rainbow laughed, looking up at Twilight. "I'd do it, Twilight, and even you complimenting me isn't gonna save you."

Twilight groaned loudly in disgust, pulling herself off of Rainbow to sit beside her. "That's how you take our prep talk? And why are my friends so stubborn? And as if that kind of humor is going to attract Rarity to you?"

Applejack and Rainbow coughed in unison.

Twilight was not amused. "What? I'm not stubborn!"

Applejack pat her throat, coughing once more. "Dasha, I think somethin's in my throat."

"Yeah," Rainbow said, "might be the horsecrap. Train air filters 'n all."

"I'm not stubborn," Twilight hissed between her teeth, stabbing a forehoof into Rainbow's neck. She winced at Rainbow's neck muscles absorbing her blow. "I'm persistent."

Twilight's two friends stared blankly at her.

She stared back, her eyes violet slits of contempt as she folded her forehooves across her chest. "I hate both of you..."

Pulling herself up from her stomach - despite the wonderful feeling of her warm and relaxed neck and shoulders content to be where they were - Rainbow wrapped each of her wings around Applejack and Twilight. The faint squeak that Twilight made at her pout being interrupted as she felt both Rainbow's wing and forehoof wrap around her shoulders made the smile across Rainbow's muzzle that much bigger.

"Ya know that I just use jokes to cover up my weak spots, Twilight," Rainbow said, rubbing her cheek gently into Twilight's own. "Seriously: What you just said to me is... like... really sweet. The sweetest thing anypony has ever said to me. Ever. To know that you think so much of me is like... incredible."

Applejack prodded Rainbow's cheek gently. "Ya think for a second that we don't, RD? Ya train yourself 'n push yourself as hard as I love my family an' Twilight loves her books. If you think for another second that we doubt you'd fight for us till the last ponies' standin' and that we don't love ya with all our hearts I swear I'm gonna break yer jaw right here 'n right now."

Twilight nodded firmly, ruffling Rainbow's mane. "What Applejack said. Just with significantly less violence and more verbal scolding. You don't want me to scold you like I scold Spike, Dash."

"You two are literally clones when it comes to teaching morals," Rainbow laughed, squeezing Applejack and Twilight. "It's kinda creepy, but it just shows how you two really work well together, you know? Thanks, guys."

"And why in the hay are ya so tough on Spike, Twi'?" Applejack said, sipping her tea. "That little guy works his tail off for ya."

"It's a hyperbole," Twilight mumbled.

Rainbow snorted, grinning at the glare Twilight gave her as she took a sip of Twilight's lemonade. "She's just preparing for when she becomes a tiger mom, AJ. You thought Granny Smith was bad? Twilight in ten years will be worse."

Applejack barely swallowed down the ball of tea that wiggled down her throat.

The glare that Twilight gave Rainbow was one that she had mastered over three years of friendship. It was a scowl of silent, evil hatred that she had become well used to giving to the everlasting stupidity that happened around her.

It had no effect on Rainbow Dash.

"You know it's true, Twi'," Rainbow said, wagging her eyebrows. "If ya ever have kids, you are totally gonna ride them harder than AJ at a rodeo."

"I... I can't lie, Twilight," Applejack wheezed, "but ya would do that to yer foals. An' I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing."

Twilight inhaled and exhaled from her muzzle in the manner that Cadance taught her too. "Accept the objective truth that your future date is giving you, even if it doesn't help her win your affections. And also accept that hopefully she and her best friend will grow from what their partners bring to them. You can handle this, Twilight."

"Just relax, Twilight," Applejack said. "Dasha brings out that playful side of me and ya know that. Rarity'll do her good when it comes to social manners. Just like you 'n I keep everypony else in line. What's the worst that can happen? Rainbow 'n Rarity'll get drunk an' fight an' roll in the hay; just like we Fruits do. Sure they might break a bone or three and crack some teeth, but they'll help each other. Maybe..."

She bit her bottom lip. "Okay... now I'm not so sure that my idea of them datin' was a good one anymore. Can... can I take it back? Fashion'll drive Rainbow nuts, and Rarity'll go coo-coo over Dash an' her energy."

Twilight blinked at the complete reversal of Applejack's confidence. "W-wow, Applejack. That's not optimistic at all. That's even worse than me. You could have at least added some sarcasm to it. If you don't mind me saying this: That was a very good way to be a plothole to Rainbow."

"Nah, don't worry about it, Twilight," Rainbow said, patting Applejack's side with a wing. "She's just pissy from missing the bitter taste of Big Mac's cum clogging her throat and comin' out of her nose. You just can't compete with him. And where do you think she got her accent? Gargling it, duh."

Twilight should have been ashamed of herself for finding such an off-color and vulgar joke funny, but her friends had ruined her sense of comedic decency for the sake of her own sanity.

Besides, she had always been a fan of personal insults. She just had the decency to make them more clever and subtle.

She grabbed onto Rainbow's side as she giggled profusely from the depths of her stomach. "You two are awful to each other uncensored. Is this what you do to each other all the time? And I thought around us it was bad!"

"Somethin' like that," Applejack said. "I forgive her for bein' so damn adorable at times though."

"And the whole 'me being your best friend, protecting you' part too," Rainbow said. "Can't forget about that part, Applejack. Kinda important."

"And that ya can snap me in half part," Applejack said. "And that's comin' from a mare who can snap most ponies in half, Twilight."

"With your thunder thighs," Rainbow snorted.

"Says the mare with thunder on her thighs," Applejack sneered.

"They are lightning bolts, AJ. Lightning, bolts. I know it's hard for your brain to comprehend the difference."

Twilight looked between Applejack and Rainbow, leaning forward to objectively analyze the muscles, fighting styles, and the forms of their bodies. How lithe and toned Rainbow's core and thighs were from nearly a decade of martial arts, fitness training, flying, and stamina building exercises. How stout Applejack's flank, withers, and shoulders were from applebucking and carrying heavy weights on her back...

No unpure thoughts went through her mind about how she had seen them after their routines. Of them dunking themselves in water to clean off.

None at all.

"Applejack," Twilight said, "you're the strongest mare I know. I-I don't mean to imply anything about your flank, but your hind legs-"

"Mean nothing with Rainbow's speed, agility, and I don't know Kung Fu, or how to exactly resist gettin' hit with a staff." Applejack took a sip of her sweet tea. "Moment I can take a hard staff to the side repeatedly an' not cough up blood I'll tell ya. We Earth ponies may be tough warhorses, but if you smack my back with a stick a few dozen times I'm not gettin' up any time soon."

Rainbow shuffled slightly in place, averting her gaze. "Y-y-yeah. I know how to fight with a quarterstaff. Both airborne and ground based. If like... AJ was brain washed to kill me - and even if my wings were tied - I could pretty much dodge everything she throws at me if it was life or death. Hit her knee or shoulder a couple times, nail her in the back of the head. You get the idea."

"W-w-well," Twilight chuckled, tapping her forehooves together, "I'm glad to know that you'd kill for us if the world goes to a haybasket, Rainbow. Glad to know that you have such... 'knowledge'."

Dash perked up her ears at the compliment, smiling at Twilight. "And I'm teaching myself how to use a halberd, in case I need something with more power. You never know."

"A halberd?!" Twilight croaked, gagging on her own oxygen. "Does Equestria need you with a sharp weapon?!"

"I think the answer to that question is an undeniable yes," Rainbow replied, sticking out her tongue. "But that I'm teaching myself. It's just like a quarterstaff that can be a spear. And an axe. A spearaxe. I just have to make sure I don't slice off my own wings, so I can't dance with it like I can with a staff."

Twilight dragged a forehoof across her snout slowly, shaking her head. At least Dash's motives were in the right place. "So the next villain we face you are just going to impale it if you can?"

Rainbow's smile turned into a beaming grin. "Yep! Nothing solves evil god problems like a hoof long titanium blade in the neck. Besides, I'd do it 'cause I don't want you all to feel that guilt of having to kill some god, so I'd take it for you. Besides, killing gods is a hay of a way to be remembered in Equestrian history."

Twilight could not sit in the same seat that Rainbow was in at the current moment, and so she simply sat on the floor, stroking her temples. It was the best thing she could do with how childish and adult-like Rainbow could be from one minute to the next. "I'm not sure if you need a therapist, I should be thankful, or just realize it's you."

"Anyways," Applejack said, twirling a forehoof through her blond mane, "this is exactly the kind of thing Rarity can help ya with, Rainbow, if ya two don't kill each other. You're not as... uhh... 'twitchy' as ya used to be when it comes to glory seekin', but ya still need to learn how taocontrol yourself."

"I guess," Rainbow shrugged, laying down on her side to reclaim the warm spot that Twilight had vacated. "I've always been like that. Not as bad as I used to be, but hey, I get easily excited for adventure and fame, you know? Still not as bad as Pinks."

"Pinkie doesn't count," Applejack chuckled, folding her forehooves behind her shoulders. "Maybe Rarity can help ya from doing somethin' stupid from time to time, just like ya can stop her from goin' haywire and calm her down."

"Rainbow's stupidity is a chronic illness, Applejack," Twilight said. "I'm not sure it's something that can be cured. It can only be managed."

"Hey!" Rainbow shot at Twilight, "I thought you were defending me earlier!"

Twilight grinned smugly, folding her forehooves across her chest. "I can't defend you from the truth, Rainbow. Mare-Do-Well should have taught you that."

Rainbow fumbled for words. "W-w-well your CORAD is a chronic illness."

Twilight looked quizzically at Rainbow. "That's no mental illness I know of."

Rainbow preened. "Compulsive, Obsessive, Retentive, and Anal Disorder."

"But I thought you're the one who likes rectal stimulation."

Dash threw herself into her seat, kicking at the one opposite of her in anger as Twilight rolled on the floor in a wave of glee. "Damn it! Trotted into that one."

Applejack soon enough joined in the laughter, receiving a firm stare from Rainbow.

"Oh buck both of you."

"Both of us at the same time?" Applejack cackled, falling over onto the ground with Twilight. "Now, Dasha, that's just greedy. And while Twilight an' her clonin' magics are mighty fine, you'll have to deal with stories instead of seein' it yourself."

"Cloning magic?" Twilight sighed, wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye, "that doesn't even-"

She gasped suddenly, sitting up in revelation. "Oh! So if I combined an ethereal projection spell with a quantum gravitation matrix spell and add in a subconscious mimicking subroutine I could possibly theoretically-"

"Nerrrrrrrd!"

Twilight whinnied in shock at Pinkie's voice resonating in her ears. She tackled Rainbow protectively, nuzzling into her as if Rainbow were her mother as she looked up at Pinkie giggling above her.

Applejack was simply content to massage her ears to stop the ringing.

"I sensed Rainbow being ganged up on, so I had to join her!" Pinkie chirped, hanging over Rainbow's and Twilight's seat. "I can't let Dashie be teased like that forever and ever. And you two would make an adorable couple. Isn't Rainbow soft, Twilight?"

"Damn it, Pinkie Pie!" Twilight yelled, glaring violet death at her. Pinkie beamed innocently back at Twilight, equally immune to Twilight's eyeball based death ray as Rainbow was. "What if I had a heart attack? Or peed myself? And do you have any idea how many times I've sworn today because of you all? More than I have in the last month combined!"

"Then while I'd totally smell of pee, I'd most likely join you in peeing myself from laughing to death." Rainbow chuckled, receiving Twilight's glowing stare. "Thanks, Pinks."

"No problem, Rainbow," Pinkie whickered, swishing her tail happily behind herself.

Rarity poked her head above the couch behind Twilight and Rainbow, joining Pinkie Pie in her curiosity at the commotion. "I sense screaming, silliness, and the three of you most likely planning something while Fluttershy, Pinkie, and I were talking," she hummed.

"Now why in Equestria do ya think we're plannin' somethin'?" Applejack said, pulling herself up onto her hooves. "And even if we were, it's clear ya three are too."

"Well, duh." Pinkie giggled. "Of course we're planning things. I mean... sure we were talking about pretty clothing, and cooking things, and what to do in Canterlot, but did you think we wouldn't plan on what's gonna go down? Silly fillies."

Rarity looked blankly at Pinkie Pie, followed soon enough by Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack perking up their ears in interest.

Pinkie shrugged. "What? It's true! We're all planning things in our not-so-secret corners. It's like, super obvious." She tapped her forehooves rapidly together. "It's a game of ponies!"

Dragging her left forehoof up and down her muzzle to massage her forehead, Rarity let out a soft, agonizing sigh. "Bloody hate you sometimes, Pinkie. Bloody hate you."

Twilight stood up to press her forehoof gently against Rarity's horn, nodding at her. "I know what it's like, Rarity. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie are the bane of organized planning. They throw a wrench into every possible scenario in ways I'm trying to stop thinking about, but I just can't. Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be alright tonight. I... think."

"And it's not like they know what we are planning," Fluttershy said, stroking a forehoof gently down Rarity's back. "So don't worry about it, Rarity."

"Thank you for joining us, Fluttershy, and for only adding credence to what Pinkie said," Rarity hissed between her teeth.

"Would you like a massage?" Fluttershy said, tracing her forehooves across Rarity's upper back.

"Or Applejack's sweet tea," Rainbow said, nosing the bottle toward Rarity. "With some rum of course."

"Hey!" Applejack growled, "that's my drink, Dasha."

Rarity flicked an ear, tilting her muzzle to the side. "Where... did you store rum? I don't see anywhere where you could have stored rum."

"I-"

Rainbow shoved a forehoof into Applejack's muzzle, her gaze firmly set on Rarity's own. "Cut the crap, Applejack, I know when Rarity needs a drink and she's just secretly denying it. She's working her tail off, and we all should've known this was happening anyways. Besides, Pinkie knows we are planning something too."

"I don't know everything," Pinkie said, "just that when we split off into groups we're usually planning things! But... most ponies should know that. If that's my Pinkie Sense working she needs an oil change."

Twilight raised an eyebrow as she looked between Rarity and Rainbow looking into each other's eyes, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy following suit quickly after.

"You're up to something, Rainbow Dash," Rarity whispered. "You've put something in that drink. I am not oblivious, mare."

Rainbow grabbed the bottle of sweet tea, bringing it to her muzzle without a word. She took a deep drought of the drink, her throat contracting as she drank down a third of the drink in one chug, placing it down onto the table. "Are you happy? It's not Listerine. Sheesh."

With a casual thrum of magic, Rarity pulled the bottle of juice from Rainbow's hoof to take a sip. Content that it wasn't poison she took another swig, her sapphire eyes never straying away from the glowing magenta of Rainbow's own.

"Mmm. I can't taste the alcohol though, and while it's good, it isn't anything compared to what Applejack and her extended kin would make."

Rainbow couldn't help but faintly smile.

"I lied," she snorted quietly. "I put in natural cider. Natural cider. Train my body for the extremes, ya know?"

Rarity's muzzle turned a solid blue in disgust, her vision blurring at the realization that she had consumed Rainbow's urine.

Rainbow, Dash's, urine.

"Applejack just bought it like ten minutes ago!" Rainbow squealed, her voice cracking. "I-i-it's... You-you-you're face-"

Rarity's muzzle swallowed down the last bit of the non-urinated tea that tasted worse than any drink she had ever tasted in her life on reflex. All she could do was stare as Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow, and even Twilight laughed themselves hoarse at her own degradation and fear for her internal purity.

Applejack, Rainbow, and Twilight had collapsed into the middle of the booth, tears streaming down their cheeks as they huddled together in laughter. It stung Rarity that much more that her fellow intellectual had been broken by toilet humor.

Toilet humor.

She looked back to see Pinkie laughing on the floor behind her, oinking like a pig at Rarity's horror shaded muzzle. All who showed Rarity any form of support was Fluttershy, who simply covered her muzzle with her forehoof, doing her best to appear as small as possible.

"You bitch!" Rarity shouted, slamming her forehooves onto the back of her seat. "You furry, barbaric, wingjob giving bitch. I almost urinated myself in disgust. What if that was real? What if I got sick from whatever sexual disease you have from rutting half of the weather team?"

"Urine is sterile by default," Twilight giggled, burying herself into Applejack's chest. "It's okay, Rarity. It'd just be a different kind of 'mouth wash'."

"Oh my friends deserve to be raped by Diamond Dogs and have their ovaries eviscerated!"

Rarity blew out a torrent of air from the end of her muzzle as her friends bellowed themselves raw at her death threat, weeping on top of each other in bliss.

Here she was, spending her money and her effort to please them, help them, and guide them toward a night of happiness and fun, and they were abusing her good graces for their own enjoyment.

Rainbow panted drunkenly, lifting up a forehoof. "T-t-the funny thing is that Applejack really did do that to me once. And I drank the whole thing, thinking it was just some weird gin. So to get her back I kissed her with the last mouthful and forced her to taste it." She wrapped a wing around Twilight and Applejack, the three mares snickering at each other. "'Sides, Rarity, I h-h-heard that yellow wine was in season this year."

"Blow it out your arse, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity neighed to the renewed guffaws of her three soon-to-be-ex friends, growling darkly at them.

"I-I-I could always do that," Rainbow's voice squeaked, holding onto Applejack and Twilight. "I-I-I didn't know you were into that kind of kinky stuff-I can't breathe!"

Rarity could think of no solution to fix her anger other than to go to drastic measures. There were lines that a pony did not cross, and her friends forced her to retaliate in equal measure. It was the only way.

When the Elements decided to dive into Fluttershy's main source of income - otherwise known as her cannabis business - Rarity considered herself on the lighter end of the spectrum with how much she liked to consume. Twilight was in the same field, seeking only a minor high to nip the senses and lighten the mood. Now though... Rarity needed a heavier hit of cannabis than everything she had ever consumed combined.

She unlocked the box of royalty grade weed from Fluttershy's wing pouch, hovering the sealed container in the air. Fluttershy let out a loud gasp in panic, only to be hushed by Rarity sharply.

"There is only one thing that a lady can properly do in this situation to lower her blood pressure," she began calmly.

The sounds of joy coming from her friends died down quickly as they watched Rarity do something she never did.

Rarity was about to take the first hit. It was an event the likes of which the other Elements of Harmony had never seen before.

Twilight pulled herself up onto the couch as Rainbow sat up on the floor, leaning forward to check if what was actually happening, was actually happening. Even Pinkie Pie had pulled herself back up to simply stare in wonder, watching Rarity's magic pulsate to life to separate the bagged cannabis from the cutting edge vaporizer that called that sacred box home.

Smooth, peaceful blue magic gently danced around Rarity's horn as she merged the faintly shimmering, vibrant green powder into the vaporizer. What better way to enjoy the purity of the potent chemical than through one of Fluttershy's portable vending sticks? She meticulously filled the silver cylinder to the brim, twisting and snapping into place piece by piece until the nearly snout long staff was ready.

Her friends were in awe.

It wasn't that she was capable of doing such a feat that was miraculous; Rainbow Dash or Applejack would have been able to perform the task as well. It was the simple sight of Rarity's eagerness to consume perhaps the strongest cannabis that the world had ever seen. If the nobles of Canterlot saw her now they would have disowned her as a country hick. It was a good thing they didn't know that she was doing a drug that the nobility across the Ungulian Ocean found to be a mystical substance when consumed at a fine enough grade and around the right group of friends.

It only added to the thrill.

"She's really gonna do it," Rainbow whispered, sitting up with a wing wrapped around Applejack and Twilight.

"Rarity!" Fluttershy said in a nearly normal speaking voice, "you can't! I should test it first. You're using too much, you'll-"

"It's nearly impossible to overload on tetrahydrocannabinol," Twilight said. "She'll most likely just pass out. You know, the normal reaction of getting too high, Fluttershy."

"Or trip her balls off!" Rainbow squeed. She was setting a world record for that sound in one day. "I'm still gonna laugh if she pees herself."

Pinkie looked down at Rainbow curiously, swatting at Rainbow's ear playfully. "What is with you and pee today, Dashie? Look, I know what we did last fall was fun-"

"Did I really get ya into that?" Applejack mumbled. "Damn, girl-"

Twilight stroked her chin in contemplation. "Well... as long as she watches her sodium intake-"

"Shut the buck up. All of you." Rainbow hissed.

Rarity couldn't respond in words. The agony of the thoughts that whistled in her head needed to be fixed instantly. The last thing she needed to know was the sexual limits of Rainbow Dash's perverted and deranged mind. There was one permanent solution.

Until the drug wore off of course, and then she would have to remember bits and pieces of that information for the rest of her life.

Her horn flared to life to furiously begin the chemical reaction of heating up and stimulating the marijuana, a massive plus for being a Unicorn. The look on panic on Fluttershy's face would have been slightly funny in another context, but for now Rarity needed to take her mind to another realm.

She knew the drug was ready instinctively. She could feel it through the response it gave to her magic. It was ready.

For her.

Rarity was known as a mare of risk in business, as was natural in her trade. But she was not one in her personal life and consumption of alcohol, food, narcotics, and other sins of the flesh. Except when it came to dark chocolate. Damn the dark chocolate.

At this pivotal time in history however she had decided to damn everything, including her friends and rational thought.

With a gentle tip to an unknown gentlecolt - and to block out the faint argument of Rainbow's sexual ethics - Rarity pressed on the golden button on top of the vaporizer, ready to take a hit and feel pure, clean, filtered THC flood her brain.

She didn't let go of the button for over fifteen seconds.

Author's Note:

Fixing the Twilight/Applejack/Rainbow prep talk was the only time in my life I had writers block. Ever. It took me eight hours and thinking over three days to redo just this one scene. I could write a Twi/Dash/Jack fic I think...

Heck, this whole chapter is astronomically different, and I've never put so much time in one chapter of anything. Perhaps fifteen hours and four days in just redoing this chapter? Sounds about right.

It's leagues better then what it once was. So much smoother transitions, plot explanation, romantic interests, character development, dozens of additional jokes, and flow. I think this is me at my best.

I purposely dropped internal dialogue in this chapter and the rest of the story, and yet decided to keep it in the older ones. It helped show their thought processes in how I write them, and it was becoming too cumbersome as the story went on.

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!