• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,184 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

  • ...
74
 1,161
 10,184

Chapter Three: Fidgeting Frisky Fillies

Applejack had known Rainbow Dash for several years at this point, and considered her to be a borderline sister in the best - and worst - manner. She didn't know Rainbow inside and out - and was keen to keep it that way - but there was something rolling around in her friend's head today. She could feel it in her gut. Perhaps a slightly damaged brain, but honest troubles too.

What was odd was both the raw need that Rainbow was hiding away and that she was... hiding it away. Applejack could not shake off the feeling that something more was afoot. It was more than a craving for a hoedown of the more moonshine kind. Seeing Rainbow craving a bit of attention to her plot was nothing new nor unusual. It was a legendary trait that Rainbow had that everyone around her knew about.

In fact, the more Applejack thought about it, it was rare when sexual conversation came up for Rainbow to not mention her own posterior in some manner or form. Or, in fact, her physical sleekness period. Rainbow just liked her body.

It is a very cute body, Applejack thought.

The moment those words tossed around in her head Applejack lassoed them back into the chain-gang section of her worst daydreams, not keen on thinking of her sister from a different mares' body strutting itself about in a sexually charging manner.

Sadly, the thought just kept on repeating itself over and over inside of her head. It was why she drank from time to time. The last thing she wanted on her mind was Rainbow finding creative positions and poses with a fence post.

“Feelin’ better after yer power nap?” Applejack said, flicking her thick tail idly behind herself.

Rainbow rested on her side with a soft yawn, content to make the grass beside the dirt path a momentary resting spot. She pulled herself up onto her hooves before letting her famous wings bring her frame to an idle hover.

"And thank you for actually wipin’ yourself off," Applejack said. "I take that kindly ya have some decency in you this mornin'.”

Rainbow opened her mouth, clearly intending to break that spell of decency with a good vulgarity or two. Instead, she rolled her eyes with a dismissive huff. “I did more than wipe myself.” The hidden subtext would do.

Pinkie squished her snout into her neck in honest shock and even a bit of disgust. “Way too much info too early in the morning, Dashie. And that’s coming from me,” Pinkie twitched. “Although... that would explain why you took so long. You’re holding us up.”

As quickly as she was shocked, her mood flipped into anger. Pinkie stabbed her forehoof into Dash’s snout, Rainbow squishing her muzzle into her own toned neck in fear.

You, are holding, ponies, up," Pinkie said. "How dare you, Rainbow Dash. How could you hold hostage to our time?”

Applejack simply blinked in confusion.

Pinkie Pie was random; she was the definition of random. Uncontrollable. She was literally out of the world at times, and her moods and ideas could swing wildly depending on what was going on, or simply on her own whim. To see her half interrogating Rainbow was a bit frightening.

“Now, Pinkie-”

“I-I-I uhh... have never slowed anypony down ever have I?” Rainbow softly whimpered. Pinkie nodded in the affirmative, her stern glare leering Dash down.

Rainbow's wings flapped harder with every passing second. “W-w-wow, I don’t like to waste your time! Crap. L-l-let’s get a move on, yeah? Busy day and all! We got a-”

“Oh no you don’t!” Pinkie dug her forehooves into Rainbow's thick, husky coat, gripping firmly into Rainbow's hair as if she had mugged a child. “You just totally rub a dub dubbed your pegapuff on a fluffy cloud and filled it with Skittle sugar. Now I’m sure you do that from time to time but this early and today, Rainbow Dash? Something is tickling under your tail and we wanna know what made you squirt!”

Applejack wasn't so sure that the imagery of Rainbow moaning in sexual release was one she wanted in her head. Sadly, it stayed there, and a small, decrepit part of her enjoyed it, put it under her bed, and kept it for future use.

“Umm... Pinkie,” Applejack interrupted, tapping Pinkie on the shoulder, “I think yer're bein’ a bit rough on Dash here, and I really don’t wanna know what yer're wantin’ her to talk about right now. Ya know, early in the mornin' and not enough cider in me.”

Rainbow looked like she was about to urinate herself. Her wings flapped rapidly, and yet Pinkie's hold on her did not budge, despite the strength in Dash’s wings.

“Please, Pinkie, you’re scaring me,” she whined. Her ears wilted to the side of her muzzle, fear creeping along the corners of her cerise eyes. Despite being more than capable of being able to pull herself away, she was shell shocked. “This isn’t funny. I'm just a bit horny, alright? Okay, really horny today. Put me down?”

“Who or what made your bell ring, Rainbow? Get it out now and save yourself punishment!” Pinkie said.

“Pinkie, that’s enough,” Applejack said sternly, nosing Pinkie to the side. “Come on, Pinkie, you’re not actin’ like yerself.”

Who dashed your driveway!?” Pinkie roared.

“Shining Armor filling me like Joe’s icing filled doughnuts!” Dash cried.

Pinkie immediately dropped Rainbow, blinking rapidly in amusement. “Well... this is going to be a very awkward conversation, and that’s coming from me!”

“Pinkie, you’ve crossed a line and hurt poor Rainbow’s feelings,” Applejack said, stuffing a hoof into Pinkie's mouth. She turned toward Rainbow, folding her ears in shame. “She’s been mighty calm, even for herself this mornin’, and I should've known somethin’ was up, RD. Maybe her gumball machine needs a quarter inside of it too. Maybe that’s why she wanted to know the details,” Applejack said sharply, her hazel eyes staring into Pinkie's own.

With a shake of her head, Rainbow pulled herself back up into the air, brushing herself off. She looked emotionally relieved and damaged at the same time.

“No, Pinkie’s right,” she said dejectedly. “If she hadn’t done that, I'd have dodged the question. You gotta know when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object something happens. Come at me head on with my problems, you know?”

Somethin' else is up here. I can feel it. Rainbow Dash is awful at hidin' her emotional troubles when they boil over, and somethin' is ruffling her feathers. Applejack had to find out. For her friend not to be excited about the one day where she could let herself loose even more than usual was concerning, to say the least.

See?” Pinkie removed Applejack's hoof from her mouth, petting the hoof idly. “There’s a method to my madness,” she chirped. “If Fluttershy or Twilight was here I wouldn't have done that, but since it’s the three of us, I had to act!”

Or you could've just let me take care of it, but you’re about as impulsive as Dash, Pinkie. And dang it, where’s an energy drink to calm you down? The irony of the statement was a theory Twilight was still testing out.

“I had it handled,” Applejack stated, resulting in a slight wince from Pinkie. “Rainbow’s clearly 'n need 'n more ways than one, and while she and I can take a mighty beatin', there’s more to this than I think she’s lettin’ on. Right, Dasha?”

For a moment, it didn’t look like Rainbow would answer. Her eyes looked at the ground as she quickly landed. She began to scoff at the grass in the manner she had picked up from Fluttershy out of nervous habit. “I... damn it, yeah, I got more problems than me just needing a lay, I think. Maybe. I’m not exactly known for being a thinking kind of pony.”

Pinkie slid herself besides Rainbow, wrapping a forehoof around her supportively. “Come on, Rainbow, you know if you got a real problem, we’re here to help you! You know that I love you, and we love you. So what if you got the urge on Twilight’s brother? He’s your kinda colt, and it’s not like anypony can read your mind or you’d do anything to hurt her."

"And... well... don't tell anypony, but he's... really cute too.” Pinkie let out the infamous squee that while she was not the inventor of, was its most vocal supporter. It didn't however cover the red that was beginning to work its way across her cheeks.

Rainbow’s wings flapped rapidly, as if they were pleading her to take off toward the nearest bastion of clouds she could hide behind.

I was right, Applejack thought. But I don't think she's in heat either. Somethin's still not bein' said.

Dash was doing everything in her power to keep the urge to run away inside of her. Applejack knew her well enough that the ability for her friend to do that had long since passed. She was going to tell her friends the truth in the shielded manner that Rainbow did to protect her ego.

"I... it’s more than me just wanting Soarin’ or any good looking pony for the night or a month. I... I think I might have a crush on Shining Armor, guys. Not the hots. A crush. A 'I want to be your mare and make you breakfast' kind of crush."

And there it is. That explains-

Pinkie choked back a laugh, her thought process clearly only catching the words she wanted to catch. "You can't cook anything well except for waffles, Rainbow! Silly. You'd kill him through mustard gas!" She stroked her chin in contemplation. "I don't know where you'd get mustard gas, but your cooking is almost as bad as Sweetie Belle’s!"

"Now, Pinkie, I think here Rainbow Dash is being honest and isn't jokin' around for once," Applejack said. Dash nodded quietly, her hooves twitching by the sides of her lean frame. "I really do think this is more then you gettin' a bit antsy and needin' a good release, Rainbow. You just might need to settle down after what Tesla Coil did to ya, sugarcube."

There. That was the issue. When the words escaped from Applejack's mouth was the moment she noticed that Rainbow's frame began to slowly relax. The core issue that Dash had been hiding had been exposed, and one of her closest friends was helping her address it. Personal emotional tension and Rainbow Dash did not mix. Applejack would happily fix that.

Applejack continued with her prep talk, joining Pinkie Pie with a forehoof wrapping around Rainbow's shoulder, forming a security blanket around Rainbow. "I know you’ve certainly grown frisky ‘n are known for bein' that - and that’s yer prerogative ‘n all - but sex just doesn’t cover it I think for you anymore. Shinin’s a good stallion and should be the ideal you're aimin’ for. And if I may say so myself he’s as noble of a colt out there as any I’ve seen. I don't think you have a crush on him though; I think you got a crush on a pony like him. Ya want somepony who's kinda like what Rarity's after." She chuckled quietly. "Shoot, girl, you just want yourself a noble, modern knight who can kick tail."

Rainbow quickly perked up, her ears flicking upward as her wings spread in contentment. “Thanks, AJ," she said, giving her friend a gentle cheek nuzzle. "I think you helped me realized what I meant. I’m just looking for a pony who kinda won’t treat me like a clop object, not that yours truly isn't the best clop object ever,” she added, scoffing at her own chest.

"I'm... not sure that was part of the talk," Pinkie said, raising an eyebrow.

I will keep the satisfaction of knowin' that Pinkie Pie acted completely normal for about five seconds simply to myself, Applejack chuckled.

Applejack rolled her eyes at Rainbow's ego returning to the playful showmanship that she did to protect herself from her own emotional weakness. She was a friendly mare to newcomers underneath her boastful, prideful, and sarcastic exterior. She truly was, but she slipped into what others might call a 'bitch' to protect her weak points if they got prodded enough. Dash's friends knew she had a heart of gold and steel at the same time, much like Applejack herself.

Ponies just don’t realize there’s a lot more tickin’ in that head of Rainbow’s than flyin’ and braggin’, Applejack thought. It could be the mare may need somethin’ to stable her in.

Celestia would that be nice to see her stabled and reined in like a Germaney punk rocker and her ear pierced master, her more snide side replied.

Now you watch it head, she warned mentally. I’ve never had as much fun in my life as I’ve had around her; she helps me unwind better than anythin', and you know it too. We’re both physical fillies, and she just knows how to make us laugh and enjoy life, much like Pinkie Pie does. Dasha just does it in her own unique way. Like... Pinkie.

Dang it, her snide side sighed. Why do ya make good points?

Cause that’s what we do.

“Jackie has a good point, Dashie.” Pinkie stroked through Rainbow's wild mane. “You might have shaken your plot too much, and would rather have a pony tug on your heart instead of your mane."

The wave of tittering giggles escaping from Pinkie's mouth was infectious on Applejack, who joined in with Pinkie as a soundboard. "Aww, that’s so cute! You’re totally adorable when you’re in love or want to be loved. Let's hug more. Huggies!”

Rainbow’s cheeks began to quickly match the red in her mane. “Pinkie, stop it! I'm totally getting you back for today. Just you wait!"

And there she goes. Her fences up an' runnin' again and back to the filly I call my best friend.

"Oh, I will wait, Dash. I'll wait for you all night long." Pinkie growled seductively into her friend's ear, the raw cherry on Rainbow's cheeks glowing like a Hearthswarming decoration.

Rainbow shoved Pinkie away from her playfully, forcing out a squeak from Pinkie's muzle and an amused chuckle from Applejack's.

"Go buck yourselves, both of you," Rainbow growled, the blood on her cheeks not keen on going away anytime soon. "I need a pony after Tessie, and you're teasin' me, Pinkie! You're so creepy when you are teasin' ponies. Most likely cause... heh... you're good at it."

Pinkie Pie teases the manure out of ponies when she needs her doors greased, and Rainbow gets soft an' pissy at the same time. I've always known this, but I've never seen these two this bad before. I hope to Celestia this ain't somethin' ya catch.

The last thing Applejack needed was an injection of whatever was frisking up her friends. Either she was too busy from her work to really focus on her loins, or she simply had a small and playful rookus that usually wasn't on the tier of what her two friends were capable of. Usually.

"Look, can we get moving?” Rainbow scowled. The faintest of smiles creeped over the corners of her lips, giving Applejack that little hint she needed to know she had done a job well done.

Dash pulled herself up into the air with a loud crack of her back. “Sheesh, it's like half of Equestria is out to get me, including myself. Did I crap on someone's cloud or something?"

Pinkie Pie frowned shortly, scoffing at the ground herself. "I'm sorry, Dash, I guess AJ's right: I might need a bit of a pogo sticking too. Oh!"

She bounced into the air with a springing hop of glee. "I know! Let me take you out to our favorite place, Rainbow! There we can eat and talk and laugh and be silly fillies and plan on hooking you up with somepony! Or a party! A bachelorette party!"

Both Applejack and Rainbow facehooved in unison. "One step at a time, Pinks," they said together.

Slowly they turned their eyes toward each other. They laughed out loud at their mind melding, shaking their heads at what years of friendship had turned them into. Applejack wouldn't trade it for the world.

Except when she fought with Rainbow. Then she just solved her problems by punching her in the face. It worked half of the time, and it was better than nothing.

Rainbow shook her head once again, snorting out a little chuckle. She smiled happily. "You're insane, Pinkie, but free food is just the way to my heart! I do love food. But not quite as much as you or Twilight."

"Now come on, Rainbow," Applejack said, folding her forehooves in mock disgust, "can't ya wait till Twi's next to ya to make fun of her? Twi’ needs ta be able to defend herself and lower you down a notch. Cause you know full well that when she gets a goin' on ya hard, dear Gringolet she can bring ya down faster then a cannonade to a ships mast."

"But we were making fun of Rainbow before she got here, just like Twilight would," Pinkie chirped.

"It better be awesome calamari," Dash huffed, "or I swear to Celestia..."

She burst down the main road toward Ponyville, her wings leaving her peers quickly behind as a crackle of colored mist emanated behind her.

"You always say it is-wait up, Rainbow!" Pinkie pronged after Rainbow Dash, leaving Applejack alone to shake her head.

Ya know, this must be why Twilight says she's never having kids; because if I ever had one like these two, I'd quickly run out of bourbon. At least runnin' will build up an appetite.

With a disgruntled huff, Applejack galloped after the fading image of Rainbow Dash's form skyrocketing into Ponyville. Pinkie Pie wasn't too far behind, and that meant that Applejack had to sadly follow the laws of physics to catch up. She didn't have a chance in Tartarus to catch either of them, but that tended to be her lot in life. She'd have it no other way.

Most of the time.

Some of the time.

She tried to stay optimistic.

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!