• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,188 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Twelve: The Cutie Cannabis Cruise

Spike had never run so far away from a crime scene as he did from Rarity's house, and soon enough, from his own.

Today had been the most interesting and confusing day in his entire life. To think that he had at least a thousand years of testosterone fueled epicness ahead of him; but that was going to be a mild problem for his future self, processing all of that information. Didn't the years start to blend together?

Thinking wasn't something he really tried to do currently. His orders were strict and clear from Rainbow Dash: Steal as much weed as he could from Fluttershy's garden and inject it into the Cutie Mark Crusaders as swiftly as possible. Knock them out, take their food, hide the alcohol, and consume all of the leftovers for himself. Not a bad bargain.

Besides, with all of the running he had been doing, eating all of their candy would be that much more satisfying.

Although nipping at some alcohol would not be too shabby of an idea either.

His little feet carried him swiftly to Fluttershy's house, Rainbow having promised to tell Fluttershy of the situation at hoof. Once his nose was trained by a 'specimen' that Twilight had - which explained the weird smells he smelt around the basement from time to time - he dug underneath the large tree in front of her house, finding the caches of bagged weed hidden there.

Score.

"Alright," he panted loudly to himself, his claws covered in dirt, "Rainbow said I should take a tiny bag of 'Mooroccan Meadows'." His emerald eyes quickly scanned the dozens of bags of weed in front of him, ranging from the size of his smallest claw all the way up to a gold sized brick of dense green.

"Does she really need this much?" Spike said aloud. "Ponies smoke cigarettes, but if this stuff is as strong as that, than she has enough for a year! Maybe this is why you're so calm, Fluttershy."

He chuckled to himself. It was only earlier today that he knew so little about sex and weed. That had changed for the better, and it was glorious.

Ignoring the instructions that he was given to get enough of it for the four of them - plus a bit extra - Spike decided to grab a bag the size of one of his head spines, in case he needed something with a little bit more firepower.

You can never be too careful with those fillies, as awesome as they are, he thought, shoving in the pulled up dirt he had haphazardly mined. With a snide grin on his face he let out one of the softest mists of dragon fire that he could, aging the dirt to make it look like it had been there for years. Light green flame whispered in the air and over the ground, a beautiful aurora of ticking heat that hardened the ground underneath it. Tiny pebbles cracked and formed around the worn dirt, and to any detective who looked, it would have seemed like it was a grave or a meditation spot. It had meditation of a different sort buried underneath.

If Fluttershy had seen him and accepted everything that had recently happened today she would never have to worry about a possible drug bust again.

Other than the trees she grew. In her backyard. In the open.

It was time to act quickly, and Spike knew that the longer he delayed the more horrible the possible outcomes could be. With the plastic bag firmly in his claws, he dashed toward the Apple farm for hopefully the last time that day. He was growing tired of running everywhere.


He was really growing damn tired of running. His stubby body wasn't meant for this, and he hadn't received any wings yet, which just pissed him off that much more.

By the time he reached the Cutie Mark Crusaders' fort - considering they didn't think in hindsight to do their illegal activities elsewhere - he felt like he had joined Rainbow in one of her complete body workouts. He was a panting, wheezing, gasping wreak that was barely holding onto the mortal coil.

What both killed him and gave him renewed life was the laughing and moans of delight that echoed from the windows of the wooden bastion of decadence. It took all of the courage inside of him to walk toward the fort, but even that courage was not enough for him to muster enough willpower to look inside.

What he heard was a horror that nopony in Equestria should have ever had to subject themselves too.

"Oh my gosh, this caramel is so good, Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo moaned. "This totally is worth not getting drunk. Pass me some more? Thanks. Caramel to the horn! Now the strawberry milk is mine," she cackled.

"Ahh!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "That's my horn. You don't put things on that except for engagement rings. And stop laughing at me! It... feels weird... and... really good at the same time. And give me back my milk. I'll pour the chocolate on you!"

"We know yer're a kitty cat, Sweetie Belle," Apple Bloom said, crunching loudly on chips. "And don't waste good milk. Even if it'd be kinda funny. I have to admit though, chips with peanut butter cups is-don't lick my stomach an' give me back my maple syrup fudge!"

Sweetie Belle giggled. "I'm only taking half of it."

Apple Bloom growled at her. "Fine. I'm takin' all the candy pumpkins then!"

"Why?" Sweetie Belle asked innocently. "I'm just gonna mush it up and-tackle Scootaloo and put it in her wings cause you've been mean today. Maple syrup crumbles attack!"

Scootaloo whickered in shock. "Gah! Don't-oh Wondebolt's don't stop, it feels so good," she panted.

Sweetie Belle hesitated. "Umm... Scootle's, can you stop smacking me with your tail? I'm just-I wonder if you taste like chicken? Not that I've ever tasted it. Oh! Maple syrup chicken! Let me try it."

"I'm not a-okay don't stop doing that." Scootaloo gasped, a heartily rumble escaping from her muzzle. "That is totally a no touch-oh screw it just stay there. Quack! I'm a chicken!"

"Scootaloo, let go of me!" Sweetie Belle cried. "This isn't-don't lick my horn that's... a no touchie... zone."

Spike couldn't act. His legs and arms knew that they should have dived into the fort in the most heroic, draconic, greatest, and most Spartan way possible. But he couldn't. The images in his head could have caused wars by the horrors that they placed inside of his mind.

Or most likely for him, result in his intestines being ripped out by his surrogate sister if he didn't act to stop the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

And yet despite his courage, despite his uncrushable will to face evil, seeing the Crusaders sexually active was just too much of a horror for his mind to handle. He could not move. He was shellshocked by the words and moans that vibrated through his eardrums.

It only got worse.

"Yeah," Scootaloo nickered lustfully, "now you know how I feel, Sweetie Belle. Here's another."

The dark rumble of delight that escaped from Sweetie Belle's mouth was one that sickened Spike to the very core of his soul.

"Ohhh, I feel so ticklish, and good-"

Both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo screeched at the pouring of chocolate milk on their coats, Apple Bloom growling at her friends in disgust. "Stop moanin' like my sister when she's with Long Tom. Had to waste good milk on ya two. Ya two do look kinda cute though; all wet like that and lookin' all silly in the face. Smell good too."

"Eww," Scootaloo whined, "now I have milk all over my fur. Why-Sweetie Belle stop licking... mmm... Nevermind, don't."

"I thought I told ya two-don't put vanilla fudge on my-hey!" Apple Bloom protested. "Don't you-why are you-okay, that feels kinda good," she sighed. "Sweetie Belle, that tongue sure is talented. This isn't fair! Why ya doin' this? What did I do... mmm... okay, ya are the cutest kitty. Sheesh girl, yer're somethin' special."

"See!" Scootaloo said. "She's good with her tongue. Now time for me to return the favor, Sweetie Belle. I wonder if you taste like birthday cake..."

"I do not!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. She slowly let out a shuttering, shivering sigh. "Scootles, that feels amazing. Oh don't stop..."

It was time for Spike to act. He should have acted a minute ago - or five - but raw evil had gripped his soul and wrenched his heart into a million pieces. There was no Tartarus like the moaning of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

It was up to him to be the greatest hero that Ponyville - no, Equestria - had ever seen. Diving into the fire that was the Cutie Mark Crusaders fondling each other wasn't an option that would save his life though. The scars he would receive from seeing such an abomination would be too great, even if all of equinity was on the line.

And so he had to improvise. He had learned much from Rainbow and Twilight: The leaders of making up plans on the fly.

He knew what he had to do.

Besides, he would look cool in the process.

"I'm a badflank," he chanted to himself. "This is the only shot I have, so I have to make it count."

He did everything he could to pump himself up. He thought about not being eaten alive and used as a soup by Rarity for watching Sweetie Belle degenerate herself into some sort of sexual fiend.

Spike didn't think of the simple solution of just running up to the window to do his epicness. No. Such lameness would have made the gods of awesomeness frown on his manly being for all eternity.

Opening up the entire bag of weed into his claws, he gently let out the softest puffs of his draconian flame dance over the cannabis. He mushed the massive bundle of leaves together as they sizzled sweetly in his grip.

The baseball of pot was ready. His mind was slowly becoming clouded by the chemicals nipping at his nostrils. He had only one shot.

"For future sex with Rarity!"

That, was worth marching through death for.

"Rarity!?" The Crusaders called.

Spike ran forward to gather his momentum, pitching his right arm back to throw the orb of hardened cannabis at the window. Following the trail of pot was a beautiful ethereal blade of dragon flame ready to light up the substance the moment it entered the fort.

His aim was so good he could feel the gods saving a spot for him by their side in the afterlife as the twirling sphere of green sizzling leaves went straight through the window.

There was a problem thorough.

Spike had just tossed half a pound of marijuana into the small fort. The amount - and quality - alone was surely a massive waste of fine grass.

The second problem was the mystical quality of his breath. Dragon flame and drugs were something that the world was never meant to have merged together.

With a furious pop of compressed air, the tickling fire broke apart the leaves into a shrapnel of flickering, melting chemicals. The ivory smoke from his improvised weapon hissed in the air like a leaking fire extinguisher, wafting out of the fort in a thick, steamy wave of magically infused THC.

“I did it!” he cheered, shaking his rump and short tail from side to side in a makeshift victory dance. “I am-”

His victory was cut short by the loud, thick coughs of the Cutie Mark Crusaders choking on the steam tickling their noses, sending a raw aura of fear across his body.

"Oh man," Scootaloo gagged. "Is the fort on fire? Cause this doesn't smell fire to me. Or... did we just die? Are we dead? In Tartarus? Did we die licking each other? I thought liking mares wasn't a crime!"

"And it don't smell like burnin' wood ta me," Apple Bloom said, coughing loudly. "An' I didn't fart. Oh wait... I just did."

"Eww..." Sweetie Belle choked, wheezing through her mouth. "Do... do you all feel fun-oh, my goshie! I can see Mooscow from here! Can't you see it?"

"Oh, my, awesome Dash plot, I can see Sto-vo-kor!" Scootaloo cheered. "We are dead. We're so badflank we went to Sto-vo-kor and didn't need to kill anypony! I wish I got to nuzzle into Rainbow's stomach one last time though."

You know, I'm not sure going in there even for Rarity is worth it.

Spike reflected on his statement, pondering if those words really were just recently thought, but they were. They really were. He thought he would travel through all of eternity just to see Rarity's lifted tail once more, but...

I think there's a line a man should set up, and seeing the Cutie Mark Crusaders like this just isn't something I'm going to waddle into. Even for free food. Even for Rarity.

He nodded to himself and his thoughts. There's hearing it, and then seeing the Cutie Mark Crusaders like this, and I just can't take that risk of being scared forever.

Spike folded his forearms together, leaning on the tree supporting the fort idly. He gently inhaled the musky and thick scent of Fluttershy's beginners grade weed into his nose. He could feel the humming in his ears growing with every moment that passed.

Even the very throbbing need to grab Rarity's behind, pin her to the ground, take her like the dragon he was, and use her like she always wanted him to just seemed less important. Or more important. He couldn't quite decide. If she were here, he'd give a more concrete answer.

"Ya both are stupid," Apple Bloom huffed, "we're in the Pegasi Yggdrasil." She pondered, something - much like Applejack - she didn't excel at. "For... some... reason. Oh, no. I ain't a Pegasusus! I ain't supposed to be here!"

"It's Asgard, Applebutt," Scootaloo growled. "And it's Pegasi. Don't tell me how I know that."

"Ya are such a nerd," Apple Bloom growled back. Her attempt to fight Scootaloo ended with an abrupt torrent of giggles trundling out of her muzzle.

Scootaloo tittered with delight in return. "Hehehehehe... your butt is like an apple. Let me nuzzle it!"

"We all can't be at different places and not be at the same place at the same time; that's logically impossible." Sweetie Belle mused. "And this isn't special effects smoke, but... oh man, I'm dizzy as a ditsy doo dodge ball dance." She gasped. "I know how the universe is going to end! So when-oh I forgot."

Apple Bloom nickered seductively. "Mmm... Scootaloo, can ya lick me there later? I'm really enjoyin' that, but I'm tired. Like... oh nelly, breathin' in this stuff is like smellin' you all, or somethin' science like. You two smell really good. Come mere, let me lick ya'all once before I sleep."

Scootaloo belched in a manner that Rainbow would have been proud of. "Haha! Licking your butt means I get your gas, Appleblurt. But yeah... I'm just gonna push you over-"

"Ohh, mmm... floor-"

"-and totally lay on you. Oh man, you're kinda muscular like your sister. Heh! You're my pet pig now. I like you, bacon butt. Kiss!"

Sweetie Belle squeed loudly. "Kissie time! Let's make out after we wake up! We're the best of friends and kissing sounds amazing! Three-way snuggle sleep sandwich!"

You know, I never knew how cool I was until I thought about it right now, Spike said mentally.

He let the gentle beat of an electric guitar and drums trundle into the back of his mind, only adding to the sheer greatness that he radiated. It was for the best that he didn't think about what was going on in there, or how he should have smashed through the fort for his wonderful goal of Rarity groin, but the high going through his head was just so much better right now. The loudest part of his mind yelled at him for even thinking that anything but Rarity's withers was even possible, but the simple coolness and stoned peace that was flooding through his body relaxed him. Not having Rarity was alright right now.

He was taking the marijuana moderately well, from an observers point of view. Sure it inflated his ego within a mountain range of Rainbow Dash's, or should he say... confidence? Both perhaps?

It chilled Spike out in a manner he had never really realized he could be calmed down to. He felt older, wiser, more skilled; perhaps this is what he would feel like in the next few years, or hundred. He didn't exactly know he felt this way. Nor did he realize that despite his biology not exactly being meant to resist THC, it was doing it's best to fight off what toxins his draconic immune system had been trained by eons of evolution. It did a pretty decent job at it compared to the giggling, kissing, yawning fillies above him.

Rainbow and I need to talk. He nodded firmly to himself, his emerald eyes reflecting on his musings on life, the universe, and everything. And Twilight too. I got some ideas. Good ideas. I can manage their stock portfolios when they get older and have kids. Since I'm pretty much going to be here when industry takes over, I can see in the long view. I've got perks that no other pony is gonna have; I've got a lifespan they all don't have. Heh. I'll corner the market. I'll be the market.

As Spike was pondering the economic domination of Equestria with Rarity by his side and firmly implanted on his crotch for several decades, his ears and mind didn't seem to notice the suckling kisses that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were making above him. They lasted for about thirty seconds before they passed out from the raw overload of Fluttershy's introductory grade marijuana. In the end, he had inadvertently succeeded on a semi-successful level that could be leveraged in the morning. There was no way the foals would remember much from that night.

Hopefully.

For now, it was time to relax. The minor possibility of being killed by the Elements by having to deal with the Cutie Mark Crusaders' new found knowledge was okay, for the white cloud that hovered in a foggy mist around him had awoken the greatest economic mind that Equestria would see for centuries. The mind who would usher in the third industrial revolution, help send ponykind to the moon, colonize space, and become the undisputed tycoon and eventual prime minister for life of all of Ungulia.

As long as Fluttershy didn't beat him to death for burning nearly two thousand bits worth of weed.

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