Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen

by KiltedKey

First published

What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

The erogenous 3rd edition. It's 30 percent longer, 300 percent better edited, 3000 percent more ethically dubious, and still narrated by Steven Fry.

It's that special time of the month again for the Elements of Harmony; the time when they get together for a Truth or Dare game of a more questionably pure nature. From long kept secrets, to reflecting on parties they can barely remember, their three years of friendship have changed them. For better or worse, they were still deciding on that.

This game will be different. Most likely for the worse, but that's what drinking before the sun sets can do. Or maybe them being hornier than usual. Or secretly planning each others sex lives. Or falling in love with each other. Or all four. Most likely all four.

Twilight wants to go out on her first date, but will alcohol and the raunchy advice of her friends help? Rainbow badly wishes to sedate her loins, or maybe she's looking for something more? What exactly, is Rarity planning for this night? Should they really add weed to the equation?

The Elements all have desires they haven't quite realized they have had, and a day long exchange of sex jokes and tension might lead to events that are out of their control. It was in their control once.

Our innocent little ponies seem to have sucked in too much Seth Rogen, but that's okay.


It's Archer with ponies.

Chapter One: Caffeinated Carnal Cravings

View Online

Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: Everything was going to be fine.

Or more accurately, everything should be fine depending on the variables of Rainbow, Pinkie, and well... all of her friends. Including herself.

One could never have enough contingency plans when alcohol was involved. Plans always fell apart when they came in contact with the enemy, and in the chaos, one had to improvise.

Sadly, improvising and ethanol happened to be mortal enemies.

Should I be concerned that my friends convinced me to start drinking? she thought to herself. Well at least it's not cocaine! It was a slippery slope argument that she'd have to debate at a future time. For now, such rational concerns could be thrown to the wind.

Twilight had never drank before she came to Ponyville, much like many of the pleasures in life she had only learned in the last few years. Many of those pleasures were of a more innocent nature: Picnics, joking around with her friends about their work weeks, the silliness of Pinkie Pie, what stupidity Rainbow Dash had trotted into, and inadvertently turning a normal day into a world saving adventure.

Alcohol had been introduced to her to help her fondly remember those times. She was reluctant at first, but eventually she was broken into enjoying the substance and what pleasant effect it had on her mind.

It also helped her forget what they did and had done both sober and drunk that she regretted with every fiber of her being. It was therefore a constantly needed poison in her life at this point.

Despite her more naive self that was fading into the past and screaming of a childhood innocence ruined she had come to the conclusion that breaking out of her shell had been for the better. She had grown up quite a bit thanks to her fillyfriends in the ways that she needed the most, when she thought about it.

She had also become used to the insanity and ever increasing amounts of immaturity that occurred around her.

It was a fair trade, baring any migraines that said stupidity often induced. Stupidity and Twilight were mortal enemies, and it would be the futile and everlasting war against it that would kill her in the end.

Twilight brushed through her nearly twilight colored mane with her kind of twilight colored brush, humming a fast paced power metal ballad that would have surely made her friend Rainbow Dash whinny in glee. She wasn't usually a fan of the rampant guitar solos Rainbow called music, but for the moment it encapsulated the mood of the day. As it stood, this Sunday deserved her optimism.

And pessimism.

Sunday was the day off - minus any critical research that needed to be done in case a world changing discovery was lost forever - for her, and the day she planned an open schedule with her friends. No matter what. The importance of this Sunday however, was that once a month, something very special happened.

This Sunday was the day that Twilight and her girlfriends cut loose to simply enjoy being young adults with the help of a very potent, and very mythical chemical. Sometimes, being tipsy made all the problems in the world melt away. At least until the morning.

The library was open late on Sundays for ponies who sought to enjoy some weekend reading, and Spike didn’t seem to mind most of the time having to cover for her. I pay him extra for it, she thought to herself, trotting down to the kitchen. Triple chocolate ice cream really isn’t that expensive of a bribe, so it’s not like he’s suffering or anything!

She paused as she finished the final step. So here I am, concerned about his eating habits, and I’m bribing him with ice cream for my own free time. He knows I need the time off too, but I could at least have given him something healthier. Why did I immediately go with the ice cream last year when this deal started? How can I be a good big sister to him if I compromise his health for my health?

She inhaled and exhaled in the manner Cadance had taught her. I need some tea, she concluded. It’s just once a month, and I’m excited and frantic because I’m suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Everything is going to be fine.

Caffeine was indeed the solution. The moment she poured her thick drought of chai into her thermos and took a deep, hot sip was when her mind relaxed just from the placebo effect. The simple ritual of making the substance was a way to calm her thoughts and - for once - not process information to the point of exhaustion.

When her mind thought about it without her consent, maybe the rice puffs she snacked on during her study hours also helped make her days more bearable. The cheddar powdered ones of course, as the normal ones were disgustingly bland. It’s not like they were awful for her or anything.

And maybe the baked sour cream and onion chips helped too. They were better than the processed garbage, so it wasn’t like she should feel guilty or anything. They were low in fat as well.

And maybe the mini chocolate chip cookies Pinkie made that Twilight didn't even bother to chew; she simply let them melt on her tongue, feeling the bread disintegrate inside of her mouth. The chocolate ooze over her lips. The taste tickle her throat.

Maybe those... weren't great for her, but Pinkie used some high quality sugar, and it wasn't like she ate the whole snout sized bag in one sitting. Usually. Maybe sometimes over a night of critical studying that resulted in her sleeping all through the morning and afternoon she might, but those moments were few and far between. Usually.

And maybe it was the brown sugar cinnamon rolls Pinkie made that were covered in maple syrup and roasted pecans. Those definitely helped with a long night of studying. With Twilight’s magic, she could peel the buns apart perfectly along the grooves. It allowed her to stare at the glittering crystals of melted sugar and glazed cinnamon merging together in a manner that made her shiver when she thought about it. How the pecans crunched and that maple syrup-

This, could be why I’m over two hundred for the first time in my life, she mentally groaned. I was once one eighty seven before I came to Ponyville, and now I’m around two o’ two! I’m too young to have a midlife weight gain!

But... at least it’s a very solid number. But it’s too high of a number! My BMI simply isn’t meant to be this high.

Although... BMI isn’t always a reliable source of muscle to fat ratios either. What do I do? I-

“Damn it,” she cursed, despite her best intentions not too. Gods and demons barely phased her anymore, but the thought of being above average in weight simply was not an acceptable outcome.

Her horn flared sharply around the thermos, contemplating the tickling urge to crush the metal into a ball and throw it through her fridge for the sake of destructive delight.

“Caffeine withdrawal," she said steadily to herself. "You’re supposed to curb hunger, not make me all jittery and want to binge eat.”

Except... that’s what caffeine can do, her logical mind replied. It is a hunger suppressant, but the nervousness it can cause could inadvertently lead toward food cravings for us. And we... haven't exactly been known for stress control under non-world ending events.

“I didn’t ask for your clarification right now!” she shouted to herself, stomping a forehoof on her kitchen floor. "If I wanted to psychoanalyze myself I'd ask for your help. Stay out of this."

So you're asking us to stop being us? Think about that. It's logically-

Don't make me go Rainbow Dash on you, Twilight replied to her inner voice, because I will, and neither of us will like it if I do.

It will only give us a headache, lose brain cells, and-

"Twilight, are you... talking to yourself again in the manner you do?" Rarity sang wistfully. It was best Rarity assumed her friend's insanity was relatively mild. For her own sake.

Twilight jumped at the voice calling from behind her front door. She swore mentally in Neightin, very much unlike the classical Neightin she was formally taught. Most ponies didn't know that Neightin was a horribly dirty language if used improperly. Celestia would have been amused at how much Twilight really knew of the mostly dead language.

"Because while I talk to myself too, dear," Rarity continued, "and I certainly am a dramatic filly and all, we all know what happens when you start talking to yourself. Please be a dear and open the door and relax. All you need is a loving hug from your sweet friend."

Twilight mumbled to herself. Why can't all of my friends arrange themselves reasonably to work around my schedule? she thought.

Today is the day you don't plan anything, remember? her brain said.

"I thought I told you to be quiet," she hissed.

Her mind continued without her consent. OCD as always, Twilight. Three years should of taught you by now Ponyville doesn't operate like the rest of Equestria. Besides, you have more important things to worry about right now. Like Rarity.

"-a therapist, sweetie," Rarity said. "Now I'm a patient mare and do ramble from time to time, but I don't want to treat you like I'm some sort of hostage negotiator." She hesitated at the lack of a reply. "You are... alright? Aren't you, Twilight?"

"Yes," Twilight sighed. "I'm just... never mind, it's complicated. No, it isn't really. I-you know what? Rarity, I could use your help. Big time."

The library door slowly opened to let in Rarity, humming and announcing her presence with every trot of her hooves on the wooden floor. "You know very well I don't want to see your sanity slip, Twilight." Rarity leaned forward to give Twilight a soft hug, pecking her on the cheek with her lips. "Now come; tell me, what has you arguing with yourself?" She hung her forehooves over the kitchen counter to smile at Twilight, flicking her twirled tail behind herself in interest. "You should save that energy for tomorrow morning; for there is no time to regret today yet!"

"Am I fat, Rarity?" Twilight asked, sipping her tea.

The comment caught Rarity off guard, stopping her face in mid expression.

If there was any question a close friend could ask that Rarity never wanted to have to give an honest reply to, being asked if they were fat would be considered high on her list.

She looked around for several seconds as if the bookshelves or the library itself were staring at her. It was only Twilight who was looking at her, a range of emotions going across her face at seeing Rarity dodging her question. She did her best to act as if she hadn't noticed Twilight analyzing her expression.

She turned her snout gently to the side. "Are you... fat?"

Twilight took another thick gulp of her chai. "Am I fat?" she said more sternly. "You should know all about this."

The faintest of scowls began to cross Rarity's snout. "I beg your pardon, Twilight? Do tell me that drink isn't spiked. If it is, we need to have a talk. A firm one. Not even Applejack or Rainbow Dash start this early on the weekends. Often." She snorted. "One must accept their friends and all their weaknesses, and one must do what they can to aid them in their time of need."

"I didn't touch her tea, so don't blame me." Spike yawned lazily, scratching his back as he walked down the library staircase. "If there's one thing I don't get about you ponies it's your tea and coffee. Yuck. Rather have a salad any day over that stuff."

"This doesn't have anything to do with alcohol or you, Spike," Twilight replied, a calm smile spreading over Rarity's muzzle. "It's what keeps us from turning into zombies, but that's beside the point."

Spike stopped at the last step, the panic that was spreading over his face only half hidden, as was Twilight's own slightly dark smile. "Y-y-you're joking right? I thought it just woke you up. Is that-"

"It's an analogy," Twilight said, Spike exhaling his pent up fear. "Am I fat and you aren't telling me, Rarity?"

Rarity stumbled on her words, sweat dripping down her cheeks. "B-b-but I-I n-"

Twilight leaned forward to hover her muzzle inches from Rarity's own. "Rarity," she said gently, "you know that I'm not going to get mad at you if you tell me I need to do something about myself. I just... I just need someone who judges bodies in a critical way. I won't get mad at you. I promise."

Spike walked toward the kitchen, peeking over to compare Twilight and Rarity's withers. He didn't mind the free opportunity to look at high quality mare flank. "Well I can do my best, Twilight, and you always know that I'm here to help you in any way I can."

Twilight smiled sweetly down at him. "Thanks, Spike. I can always count on you for an objective analysis and I can combine that with Rarity's thoughts."

"Alright," she said, relaxing her body, "tell me how I compare to Rarity. Just... realize I'm not as beautiful as her."

"Oh, Twilight, you have to stop thinking so lowly of your physique," Rarity said, patting Twilight's cheek. "Besides, Spike isn't-"

"Rarity's just curves like the most amazing diamonds ever," Spike swooned. "It's-"

"-oh isn't he adorable!" Rarity squealed, tugging over Spike to scratch him behind his ears. "He's growing up so fast!"

Twilight deflated quickly, her own ears wilting by the side of her muzzle.

So much for objective help. Thank you, Spike. This is what happens when I slowly get you into my kind of humor, and pervert it with your own.

"You know, Rarity, he's..." Twilight sighed deeply. "Never mind."

"Never mind what?" Spike shivered happily, Rarity's forehoof dragging down his snout forcing out a rumble of pleasure from his throat. He nuzzled into her hoof as if he was a scaled cat, and clearly seemed content to milk every bit of Rarity's attention.

"Oh he's just growing up and young!" Rarity nickered. "Do you not think I am used to comments about my body, Twilight? Spikey Whikey is just developing excellent tastes in beauty. How can I not be happy for that?"

You are happy when anypony praises your good looks, Rarity. Twilight ground her teeth together.

Rarity seemed more than content to keep on petting Spike, only adding more insult to injury to Twilight's currently fragile ego.

Twilight was not amused. "My hind legs, Rarity," she growled.

Rarity coughed politely, pulling her forehoof away from Spike's muzzle. "But of course, Twilight!"

She hummed to herself as she slowly trotted around Twilight's frame, gently stroking a forehoof through her coat to feel the skin and muscles underneath. She pinched Twilight several times, causing a wince to twitch over Twilight's muzzle on reflex.

"I see," Rarity said, stroking her chin. "Hmm... interesting."

"Is it that bad!?" Twilight was doing everything she could not to trot in place. Her crunched up face pushed into her own neck, sweat dripping down the front of her coat. "Oh please, Rarity, this isn't funny! I'm serious! Please... am I hideous? Is my mane and tail the only thing I have left that's attractive?"

Rarity stepped away from Twilight, her sapphire eyes seeming to absorb every curve across Twilight's form.

"Twilight dear..."

"Yes?" Twilight croaked.

"You've gained a bit of a stomach-but you've always had a tiny pouch there. Your neck is fine, but your sides have gained a bit of smoothness. As for your hind quarters, dear..."

"Just say it like Applejack would!"

Rarity bit her bottom lip. "Well then: Your pear is certainly full this year, but it is a full pear of the finest... vintage." Rarity sighed deeply. "You see what happens when-"

Tears welled up in the corners of Twilight's eyes as a whimper escaped from the end of her muzzle. "I'm... fat. And nopony told me? I thought you all..."

She collapsed onto her flank with a rolling whine escaping from her lips.

Her worst fears were confirmed, other then perhaps the theory of relativity or quantum magic being demonstrated to be false.

She was fat. Her only redeeming traits being her mind, heart, mane, tail, and that she moments of adorableness inside of her.

Rarity whimpered in return. "Dear, no no! Oh damn it, come here you lovely lavender lady you."

Rarity cooed affectionately, tugging Twilight in front of her with a thrum of magic. She caressed Twilight's mane affectionately, hushing her with quiet, motherly sounds trundling out of her muzzle.

"Oh to hay with it," Rarity said, "you have gained weight, but it fits you well," she said sweetly. "You are... 'pleasantly plump' as Pinkie might say."

"That doesn't make me feel any better!" Twilight cried.

Spike gently pat Twilight's cutie mark, twirling a talon through the flesh. "It is kind of soft, Twilight. And wow... can I sleep with you? This would make a killer pillow."

Twilight turned her snout swiftly toward Spike's, her eyes glowing robotic death. "If you don't want to lick the dust on the floor, Spike..."

Despite slowly grinning from his personal victory of sarcasm, he fell back once Rarity furiously leered at him.

"He only means to cheer you up, Twilight, and you are not fat," Rarity said more firmly, stroking through her friend's mane. "You have a beautifully shaped behind, dear, but why are you so concerned all of a sudden? You have always been cute, and you always will be. All you need if you are that concerned about your weight is the help of your lovely friends."

Rarity snorted loudly, the visible exhale hanging in the air in front of her. "And don't let any colt or mare who says anything about your weight get to you, if that may be the case. Because I will tell you right now: If there is a pony who is calling you ugly, dear, I am sure I can have something... 'socially arranged' to fix that."

And this is why you need to be less paranoid. Rarity would do anything to show you that you are beautiful, Twilight thought.

Although... that she would consider making a pony be socially outcasted for me is slightly... scary.

Twilight clopped her forehooves together nervously. "Well... you know that I prefer it simple when it comes to my visual appearance. But... well..."

"Yes?" Rarity said, leaning forward to press her forehead against Twilight's.

"There's a reason I'm so paranoid about my image. I..."


"Maybe want to go out on a date."

Rarity pulled back her muzzle, blinking in disbelief. "You've never dated? Surely you have in the last three years since you've been here. You aren't the shy 'no friends for me' Twilight I once knew. Don't you remember last New Years Eve in Bayston? Surely you..."

Twilight giggled at the memory, pulling herself back up to drink once more from her tea. "How can I forget that weekend? But no, I didn't do anything there that you thought I did. Because... well... I guess I'm nervous about going that far."

"You've become so socially adept though, dear." Rarity trotted over to sit down on the bottom step of Twilight's staircase. "You are a wonderful public speaker, and are one of if not the most interesting pony that I know. Why are you so afraid to date? It could do miracles to your OCD. Or horrible things, but that's why you have us."

Twilight chuckled dryly, closing her eyes to channel forth energy from her horn. With a glowing sphere of raspberry dew enveloping her body she teleported directly beside Rarity, a smile once more on her muzzle.

"Despite how much I've changed I've never found the time or confidence to date." Twilight stroked the back of her head shyly. "Younger me would find the concept of even thinking about a date to be repulsive, but isn't that part of what we do at our age?"

"What exactly... did you all do in Bayston, anyways?" Spike asked, shuffling through the frig. "You never told me much."

Twilight and Rarity glanced at each other.

Some facts of life just shouldn't be brought up to a dragon who would one day hit puberty.

"It's a tradition around New Years Eve to... date a pony for a day," Twilight said with a faintly heard chuckle, her tail twitching nervously behind herself. "You get to know them, and spend time with them sharing what you've learned about life throughout the year."

"Yes... what... Twilight said." Rarity smiled innocently.

Spike stared at them silently. It was the kind of stare that Twilight had grown more and more concerned with every time she saw it.

He knows we are hiding something from him because we think he is too young.

He is too young, her rational mind replied. Do you have any idea how much I've planned for the day that he questions us about sex and dating?

Not enough to ever make either of us not have a panic attack when that day comes?

Her rational mind whimpered. We have enough things to worry about. Don't remind me.

Spike huffed quietly, swatting away the notion. "Dating for a day? Sounds like a lame date to me," he mumbled, pouring himself a glass of milk. "That doesn't sound like something everypony should be so excited about. At least you get presents and gifts on Hearth's Warming day."

"You know, Twilight," Rarity continued, "you don't have to just jump into dating." She ignored the comment on time constraints. "In fact, if you would like my personal opinion - and I am sure you do - we need to build up your confidence to the point you aren't stumbling into a date wondering if you are good enough."

She wrapped a forehoof around Twilight's shoulder, leaning into her supportively. "And that also means swatting away the notion that you aren't physically beautiful. You really do have a form to you that nopony else I know has. It is lovely, and I do mean that."

"And we would be building my confidence... how exactly?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well... you have certainly enjoyed our monthly get togethers," Rarity said. "And you have opened yourself up to the joys of a bit of fine wine."

"I'm not sure I would call drinking 'fine wine'," Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

Rarity turned toward Spike, giving him a playful wink. "And I think this is a conversation more... 'fitting' in private, as much as I love you, Spike."

With a deep sigh and a huff of smoke escaping from the end of Spike's muzzle he sat himself up on the kitchen counter, kicking his legs. "Sheesh, why do you all treat me like I'm a kid?"

"You are one," Twilight said with a smirk building up around the corner of her muzzle. Deciding to let out a bit more evilness - and stress - she enveloped Spike in a whirl of her magic, teleporting him directly in front of her. She was content to listen to the gentle cry of protest he made. It made the repressed darker sides of her happy to be momentary appeased.

Sadistically teasing my younger brother and making his life a bit of Tartarus for my own amusement? She both mentally and physically smiled. I should get that part of me checked out, but at least he doesn't have to go to public school. I couldn't torture him that much.

You know we enjoy torturing him from time to time, her brain responded.

I will never deny that.

She leaned done to give Spike a kiss on the forehead, watching him sputter and fluster incoherently.

"Did you have to do that in front of Rarity!?" he bawked.

"Oh I find it adorable," Rarity hummed, stroking his head spines. "If you think for one moment that it makes me think lower of you, Spike, you are being quite the silly little dragon."

"But I don't want to be silly! I want to be sexy. Like you, Rarity!"

Ruby flushed across Rarity's cheeks at the unexpected and slightly unwelcome compliment. She opened her mouth to comment, only to be interrupted by Twilight.

"And that's why, Spike, this is a private conversation. And we're going to talk about that word tomorrow."

"It's not like it's anything compared to what Rainbow or Applejack say all the time," Spike mumbled, folding his arms across his chest. "I hear them too you know."

"Well it seems we may need to have a talk with them about what words they can and can not use in public." Rarity coughed, composing herself. "Just because they are... 'adults', Spike, doesn't mean that they can say what they do and it is right."

Twilight nodded at Rarity. "Exactly. They can be a bit... much sometimes."

He gulped down a chug of milk with a dismissive wave of his claws. "I just want to be like those colts in the Playmares you have under your bed, Twilight. You know, get all the ladies like they do. And speaking of that... why do you put them there? They smell funny from being under there, and are kind of ripped."

"Oh horseapples we have to meet the girls soon, don't we, Rarity?" Twilight's face had turned cerise, matching the red on Rarity's.

"Oh drat we do!" Rarity gasped. "We need to get out of here before we are late!"

"I promise to bring back ice cream for you, Spike-ahh a snake!"

With a cracking hum of burning red magic, Twilight and Rarity disappeared, leaving a faintly scorched floor behind where they once stood.

Spike simply sat there. Slowly blinking in confusion. He attempted to compute what had just happened, and he had come up blank.

"I wonder why you are so nervous about those magazines?" He stroked his chin. "It's just naked ponies with really good anatomy."

He mumbled only to himself, wishing he had another target to vent his world ending woes. "And thanks for the burned-"

"You want me to go to the club and get laid!?" Twilight's screaming shout rattled not rattleable objects.

Rarity yelped. "I never said that I was-"

"Oh," Spike growled, "so she gets to dance and lay on soft pillows after dancing, and eat food, and she's complaining about it!? It better be good ice cream."

Chapter Two: Rainbow's Randy Resolution

View Online

Today was going to be awesome, according to the wonderfully verbose vocabulary of Rainbow Dash. Like most of the once monthly parties she went to with her friends it wasn't something their parents would approve of, but that was half the fun.

Then again, Rainbow was not well known for listening to her parents, or anyone for that matter. Otherwise she would have been an architect, and she'd rather build her body than a cloudscraper. She liked being able to make some parts of ponies' bodies point to the clouds when she flew or walked by them instead.

And so today was going to be awesome, since she was using her well built up alcohol tolerance that had been trained thanks to all of the cutting edge legal chemicals that she pumped through her body to help maintain her peak physical condition. Training her kidneys and liver through modern synthetic chemicals had its perks.

Okay. What wasn't awesome was having to wake up early because there was so much awesome stuff Dash wished to do today. That wasn't fun.

It's something I'm gonna have to deal with sometimes, she thought, but it's worth it. Painful, but worth it. Nopony should have to subject themselves to the morning light; a paycheck or a party were the only acceptable answers to rising that early. And to think, Applejack wakes up almost always at the crack of dawn every single day.

Does she even sleep much? Rainbow pondered, pulling herself up from her mattress with a crack echoing from her back. She should know like I do that you need sleep to keep all of those muscles going, but she is an Earth pony, and they do kinda cheat in that way with the whole supercharged organs deal.

Despite her better wishes it seemed an organ of hers was turbo charged, and not one she was wanting to be. Woah, purge that thought; the last thing I need to think about is her muscles.

She struggled to halt the thoughts of her friend's powerful and deadly posterior from taking over her mind. The more she tried, the more Applejack’s form stayed in her head, teasing her. Please, mind, can you get yourself out of the gutter for once?

Her perverted side filled in for her nicely. Nah, because the moment we do that we'll stop being us.

Thanks a bunch, you prick. The last thing I need to think about is the plot on my best friend.

You think about the plot of everypony at least once or twice. She's your sister from another mare. It's not illegal or anything. Can't help but enjoy other mares who have amazing bodies, am I right?

Shut up.

The images in her head weren't getting out anytime soon, until her thoughts drifted toward a more Wonderbolt-inspired direction. Her perverted side liked to take over from time to time. That too, wasn’t helping the oddly crotch specific mood her brain was pulling her toward this morning.

Usually she had a lot more self control than this, usually being the key word. It was rare for her groin to be taking over her thoughts so overwhelmingly - and that was coming from a moderately randy mare. There was only one proper solution to the problem.

With her hooves trotting quietly on the cloudy floor of her bedroom she did the best thing she could. With a swing of her head she thunked her snout into one of the supporting pillars of her house. Hard.

The sudden pain of her head hitting a hard object not only purged her mind of less than foal appropriate thoughts, but it also woke her up more swiftly than any energy drink ever did, sending up a torrent of stars through her vision.

Oww! Shit!” she cursed, biting her lower lip in pain. Ponies who weren't Pegasi didn’t realize that cloudcrete wasn’t in fact a soft substance by any means. “Maybe not the best idea I’ve ever come up with. No, way down on the list of best ideas I’ve ever come up with.”

Her perverted side cried in hysterics, rolling around inside of Rainbow's head. And here comes the headache. Great job, RD. Great job for not listening to me!

Shut up, other me, this is your fault.

At least the pain thrumming through her skull prevented her mind from becoming too coherent to think about more advanced subjects, forcing Rainbow to go on autopilot as she planned her day.

Hovering - since walking didn't sound pleasant - to her kitchen down her spiral staircase she began to blend her morning protein shake by wing. The thought of blending it with her blender was a battle her headache wasn't going to let her fight. At least she had something to look forward too.

This Sunday was a borderline sacred day for the Elements of Harmony. It was the day that they would simply enjoy the finer things in life: Watch Fluttershy giggle herself silly, Twilight realizing that vulgar language could sum up an argument more quickly than an entire paragraph, Pinkie Pie mellowing out and tell stories - with the help of Rarity of course - that simply weren't keen for younger company, and watching Applejack degrade herself into a sarcastic, snorting, brutally honest wiseass, much like Rainbow herself was a vast majority of the time.

What more in life could she ask for than the company of her fillyfriends enjoying nearly three years of friendship, trials, and tribulations? Of growth, hardship, lessons learned, and battles won?

By the time her swirling, chocolate flavored smoothie was ready she smiled in content peace at the thought. The dull throbbing in her head had nothing to do with her blankness on the subject. Or it did, but she didn't realize that it did.

As much as she might have denied it on the outside from time to time her friends meant more to her than pretty much anything. The Wonderbolts, flying, fame; it all paled to the five friends who gave her endless support, who had helped her grow so much, and enjoyed the playful banter that Rainbow gave to them. Even if they denied that they enjoyed it. They were just kidding about their denial. Obviously.

Rainbow took a thick, deep, stout chug of the flavored protein mix, enjoying the moment as many ponies did with their morning coffee. It was a tasty swirl of triple chocolate that melted on her tongue. It was an acquired firmness, but it felt so good.

Well Soarin's plot being directly underneath me wouldn’t feel bad either, firm or not, she idly pondered. Although Fleetfoot is really cute and could give me a run for my money too.

Wait. No no no. I told you head to not go in that direction. What is wrong with you this morning?

It was a perfectly valid question. Sure, Rainbow liked - scratch that, loved - a good roll in the hay every once in awhile - or more than once in awhile - the mornings fantasies were oddly... focused. She might have been the most sexually active of the Elements, but to be so consumed by this was just... weird.

Was it the length of time since she’d had sex that was the problem? Okay, it has been a bit, but starting off like this? Come on, I usually have a few hours before I work myself up.

This calls for drastic measures. Part... two. It’ll let me focus on later tonight anyways, and wear me down a bit. Besides, I could use it.

Time to work out.

The workout didn't fully work. The irony of that thought only made Rainbow that much more pissed off about it.

It was so simple: Blast through the liquid rainbow streams around her house until she collapsed in fatigue. Clean up, slam down more protein and a Mooster energy drink, and let the numbness melt her body and mind. The former happened with flying colors. The later stayed around just to spite her.

Despite her utterly perfect level of fitness her legs could only do so much, and the chronic numbness that ruined her fitness earned gait currently didn't change the thoughts rambling in her head. It only made them melt into simple ones rather than vivid daydreams. They trickled around in the back of her mind, wishing they could trickle between her legs.

It sucked.

Rainbow hung her forehooves off the walkway of her house, staring at the distant ground below. Her eyes slowly blinked, waiting for the stimulants to work their way through her system.

She snorted derisively at herself. You're thinking too hard. Let Twilight do all of the thinking for you. You aren't meant to sit on your butt and 'query' why you have the big urge to just bury something inside of yourself. It didn't feel like an hour or three with a few toys would solve her problems on further reflection either.

Damn it, what do you want from me, head and/or plot?

Sex, dumbass, her horny side replied. It's really easy to understand. Seriously, sometimes you are flat out retarded.

"Well... you're retarded," she grumbled.

Amazing comeback.

"Buck you."

It had to be settled. She had enough problems in her life: Was her coat fluffy enough to make her look playful, or was it too fluffy, and it made her look like a pet dog instead of the incredible badflank that she was? What other routines could she learn to improve her physique? Should she adjust where she put her house-wide sound system? Did cinnamon mixed in with water taste good?

Dash shook her head. Today and tonight we're going to be simple: Hang out with the girls, catch up on gossip, laugh her plot off, think about three years of fun, get tipsy, do stupid things, and just enjoy being young mares during the best years of their lives. She was going to stick to that plan. With one minor, and yet very important adjustment.

She was going to plan a pub crawl. That could solve almost all of her problems in one swoop.

There was a problem with that plan: There were only two true bars in town, and while there were another dozen places in town that served alcohol they would not exactly... like that kind of thing from her friends.

One thing could fix all of that too: It was time to form a council to fix everything that she was thinking of so she didn't have to think about anything anymore. And only one place was the right place for them to have one.

"To the library!" Rainbow shouted defiantly and out loud, spreading her wings in inspiration.

"Wait... did I just say what Twilight would say?" she also said aloud, realizing the sad, sad truth of her own words.

You did, her mind replied. Congratulations, Rainbow. Turn in your badflank card at the nearest nimbus. Just walk away from everything you've ever done. You are now an egghead of the highest order.

"Well, Twilight does have a cute-"

Stop that thought, get off this cloud, and seriously, fix this before you do something stupid. Seriously, I'm trying to keep the horny side of us down and she's biting my tail.

Her thoughts went mute to contemplate.

Nevermind, you'll do something stupid anyways. Go get'em!

"Yes, ma'am," Rainbow replied to the drill sergeant shouting in her head, front flipping off of her cloud. Perhaps Spitfire had sunk deeper into her head than she thought. At least I don't think of her like that anymore. No don't-

Stop, thinking, that, way.

The meeting needed to happen sooner, rather than later.

"-and that's why I use brown sugar, Pinkie; regular ole suger just doesn't cut it for flavor. It adds a much stronger kick an' richer taste. I simply can't go back to normal suger unless I hav'ta."

"Ponies don't get that the difference between forgettable cookies and unforgettable ones are just a change in really simple things. I use dark, light, and semi-sweet chocolate in my chocolate chip cookies to really bring out a flavor that brings ponies to their knees. And boy does it!" Pinkie replied.

Applejack and Pinkie Pie walked down the main road from the Apple farm, taking their time - a rarity for Pinkie - to simply enjoy talking about a mutual passion. Cooking. It was about the only thing they shared in common, other than biologically being the same species. Although that too, was questionable with Pinkie being involved.

"It's how I make my caramel so darn good, if I may so myself," Applejack said. "Cousins can teach ya a lot."

"Brag away!" Pinkie smiled, twirling through the air. "We'll just keep it a secret I use yours cause it's better than mine. I'd be a silly filly to say otherwise."

She sniffed the air curiously as she landed, wiggling her plush tail behind herself. "Speaking of a silly filly..."

Applejack raised an eyebrow, stopping beside her. "Are you about to Pinkie Sense a smell? Not comin' from me."

Pinkie giggled. "No, Jackie, it's not a toot; it's a silly filly about to drop in on us like she always does. Same thing Dashie always does, cause she's silly like that."

Applejack rolled her eyes, a gentle, knowing sigh escaping from the end of her muzzle. "Why am I not surprised that it's Rainbow? With the tone you're takin' I have a feelin' she's gonna crash land somewhere near us. Did I nail it?"

"Yep! Nailed it like a nail."

"And we... aren't gonna try to prevent her from crashin'?"

Pinkie nickered gaily. "Hay no!" she snorted loudly. "It's gonna be hilarious like it always is! She's not gonna hurt herself, so that's why it's funny. Okay, she will hurt herself for like a few minutes but Rainbow's almost as tough as we are, and she laughs when we trip and so a hoof for a hoof. Laughie laughie back!"

Applejack could barely control her laughing with the slowing evolving dark humor Twilight had begun to spread around her friends with impunity. It had even corrupted Pinkie Pie with its ever present evil power. And dare Applejack admit it, a pinch of it was cracking through her own armor.

It was awful that the once innocent Elements had developed a taste for annoying each other, but after three years of saving the world and learning so much from one another they had learned precisely how to nip at those corners.

At least Pinkie seemed to only enjoy it around her dearest friends. For now.

"We're awful," Applejack chuckled, "and yer're not supposed to like ponies in pain, Pinkie." She was doing her best to prevent herself from toppling over, and only partially succeeded.

Pinkie bounced in excitement. "I don't normally," she stated, "but Rainbow will sorta find it funny too, so it's okay! Although... jeez, when you put it like that, I guess Dash has made me kind of mean."

She pondered for a moment, stroking her chin. "Hmm... Oh! I know! Because she can handle it. Like how you two would look like mortal enemies about to duel to the death to ponies who didn't know you."

"That is puttin' it lightly," Applejack beamed, sending both her and Pinkie Pie into a fit of giggles as their eyes followed the jet of colors racing toward them.

Rainbow was going fast, even for her own standards of cruising speed, forcing a nervous glance from Applejack toward Pinkie. "Yer're... positive she won't?"

"Yep!" Pinkie chirped. "Just watch. I don't know when she'll land, but she'll be okay."

Rainbow had judged her distance from her friends well, as was to be expected from a mare with her incredible eyesight. Her speed was excellent and under control, as was her braking. While she could stop nearly on a bit even when going nearly four hundred miles an hour, she decided to air brake hard to burn off the excess steam from her body.

It was perfect.

Her powerful wings spread out to their full plume with trained ease, the sudden hit of gravity and the passive Pegasi magic around her battling it out on and in her body, spine, and soul. The wind blew back from behind her in a torrent of dirt kicking gusts while her entire body was rocked and flooded with an overload of dopamine. Even her training didn't give her perfect control over the physical euphoria that flowed through her body as the rush of air and mana burst into her wings from her air braking. That was exactly the point, and it caused her to let out an ecstatic moan in bliss.

It was as incredible as she remembered it being, and she'd be lying to herself if doing something like this every few days didn't make Rainbow addicted to her talent and passion.

The blow back of gravity and excess ether made her back flip through the air, but that was all part of the fun and the tension curing utopia that swam in her head. It was wonderful.

Her head slamming on the ground wasn't.

Lost in paradise her back flip made her snout thud on the dirt, soon enough followed by her entire body as she spun in reverse on the ground. Despite her moderately low speed she flipped over three times before coming to a complete stop on the road, flat on her stomach, splayed out like a carpet.

She was now punch drunk on a flying high, had a throbbing headache, and was lightly covered in dirt. It was a normal day for her, cranked up to eleven.

Her mind was incoherent, her ears registering the snorts of her friends who tried to repress them, but it was a futile task. If she was more alive, she would have chuckled too.

"I give that a five, Rainbow." Applejack looked down at her, the smug grin on her muzzle slightly adorable if Rainbow was mentally pestered about it. "You've been slackin' off on yer maneuvers, and raw speed just doesn't cover it anymore."

Applejack gently prodded Rainbow's forehead, listening to the incoherent grunts from her mouth as her muzzle was buried in the dirt. "Are ya okay, sugarcube?"

"Hi. I'm high." Rainbow cooed. It was her best hello in history.

"Dashie, it is way too early to get stoned and you didn't even offer!?" Pinkie folded her forehooves as she looked down at Rainbow in disgust. "Rainbow, Lightning, Dash, how could you be so selfish?"

"I am so high right now," Rainbow giggled, showing her enviable mastery of words. She rubbed her forehead gently, wincing afterwards. "Oww. Being high on flying and having a headache at the same time sucks."

Applejack tilted her head to the side. "Do ya need a minute, Dash? Five?"

Rainbow mumbled once more, spitting out dirt. "Yeah, that sounds good. Just leave me here, cause I am kinda trippin' my plot off right now. I'm not stoned, but oh gosh, I feel like I am."

"Now what was with that sort of brakin', cause I have never seen ya-"

It only took a gentle sniff of the air for Applejack's green eyes to go wide in shock. "Sleipnir's musky testicles, you smell like you're about 'n willing to be used by Equestria's Olympics team. What landed on yer airstrip an' caused an oil spill, RD, cause it smells like a rodeo locker room behind you!"

Rainbow felt her cheeks turn red as she let out a nervous chuckle. "I-I-I can explain."

"But before you do," Applejack interrupted, pulling Rainbow onto her hooves, "can ya at least wipe yerself off on a cloud or somethin'?” Applejack coughed loudly. “Now I can handle a mighty range of smells, and we’ve been through much together, but shit, girl, that scent in the air is like-"

"I don't need another stupid phrase from you right now," Dash groaned, shoving Applejack's chest. "Sheesh, I'll go do it. Calm your freaking freckled teats."

Applejack pressed her snout firmly into Rainbow's. If Applejack had wings, they would have been bladed daggers of death by the way her back curved. "They aren't freckled; and why are you lookin' at them!"

"See? About to duel to the death," Pinkie Pie whispered to the reader, nodding her head.

"I’m not, but you’ll be sorry you have them period if you don’t shut up." Rainbow ejected a hiss of pressurized air from the end of her nose that would have make a steam train jealous. "Oh friggin hay, let me rest, cause we are fighting over nothing!"

Applejack returned the exhale of air from her nose, giving her friend a good challenge in lung capacity. "I take pride in what I got, Dash-"

"Can you both stop fighting at least until the next chapter?" Pinkie groaned. "We have a lot to cover in the next two or three, and you two can fight forever, and that's gonna bore everypony!"

Pinkie pushed herself between Applejack and Rainbow, scowling at them. "Because I will pull out hashish if I have to, and boyo, I know you guys can't handle that like I can. Think of what Ponyville will think if we come into town stoned. The horror!"

Both Applejack and Rainbow blinked rapidly at Pinkie Pie. It was just her being her.

"That... it's us being stupid again?" Dash said. "And it's not like everypony in town hasn't done something incredibly stupid at least twice. We just do it more often. Like... ten times as much."

"And didn't ya just say you wanted to get high with Dash, Pinkie?" Applejack added. "Not to mention it's Fluttershy who grows it."

"And what chapter?" Rainbow scratched the back of her mane with a wing. "To... what?"

Pinkie Pie deflated quickly, falling over onto her back in defeat. "You two can't take a joke," she pouted.

Chapter Three: Fidgeting Frisky Fillies

View Online

Applejack had known Rainbow Dash for several years at this point, and considered her to be a borderline sister in the best - and worst - manner. She didn't know Rainbow inside and out - and was keen to keep it that way - but there was something rolling around in her friend's head today. She could feel it in her gut. Perhaps a slightly damaged brain, but honest troubles too.

What was odd was both the raw need that Rainbow was hiding away and that she was... hiding it away. Applejack could not shake off the feeling that something more was afoot. It was more than a craving for a hoedown of the more moonshine kind. Seeing Rainbow craving a bit of attention to her plot was nothing new nor unusual. It was a legendary trait that Rainbow had that everyone around her knew about.

In fact, the more Applejack thought about it, it was rare when sexual conversation came up for Rainbow to not mention her own posterior in some manner or form. Or, in fact, her physical sleekness period. Rainbow just liked her body.

It is a very cute body, Applejack thought.

The moment those words tossed around in her head Applejack lassoed them back into the chain-gang section of her worst daydreams, not keen on thinking of her sister from a different mares' body strutting itself about in a sexually charging manner.

Sadly, the thought just kept on repeating itself over and over inside of her head. It was why she drank from time to time. The last thing she wanted on her mind was Rainbow finding creative positions and poses with a fence post.

“Feelin’ better after yer power nap?” Applejack said, flicking her thick tail idly behind herself.

Rainbow rested on her side with a soft yawn, content to make the grass beside the dirt path a momentary resting spot. She pulled herself up onto her hooves before letting her famous wings bring her frame to an idle hover.

"And thank you for actually wipin’ yourself off," Applejack said. "I take that kindly ya have some decency in you this mornin'.”

Rainbow opened her mouth, clearly intending to break that spell of decency with a good vulgarity or two. Instead, she rolled her eyes with a dismissive huff. “I did more than wipe myself.” The hidden subtext would do.

Pinkie squished her snout into her neck in honest shock and even a bit of disgust. “Way too much info too early in the morning, Dashie. And that’s coming from me,” Pinkie twitched. “Although... that would explain why you took so long. You’re holding us up.”

As quickly as she was shocked, her mood flipped into anger. Pinkie stabbed her forehoof into Dash’s snout, Rainbow squishing her muzzle into her own toned neck in fear.

You, are holding, ponies, up," Pinkie said. "How dare you, Rainbow Dash. How could you hold hostage to our time?”

Applejack simply blinked in confusion.

Pinkie Pie was random; she was the definition of random. Uncontrollable. She was literally out of the world at times, and her moods and ideas could swing wildly depending on what was going on, or simply on her own whim. To see her half interrogating Rainbow was a bit frightening.

“Now, Pinkie-”

“I-I-I uhh... have never slowed anypony down ever have I?” Rainbow softly whimpered. Pinkie nodded in the affirmative, her stern glare leering Dash down.

Rainbow's wings flapped harder with every passing second. “W-w-wow, I don’t like to waste your time! Crap. L-l-let’s get a move on, yeah? Busy day and all! We got a-”

“Oh no you don’t!” Pinkie dug her forehooves into Rainbow's thick, husky coat, gripping firmly into Rainbow's hair as if she had mugged a child. “You just totally rub a dub dubbed your pegapuff on a fluffy cloud and filled it with Skittle sugar. Now I’m sure you do that from time to time but this early and today, Rainbow Dash? Something is tickling under your tail and we wanna know what made you squirt!”

Applejack wasn't so sure that the imagery of Rainbow moaning in sexual release was one she wanted in her head. Sadly, it stayed there, and a small, decrepit part of her enjoyed it, put it under her bed, and kept it for future use.

“Umm... Pinkie,” Applejack interrupted, tapping Pinkie on the shoulder, “I think yer're bein’ a bit rough on Dash here, and I really don’t wanna know what yer're wantin’ her to talk about right now. Ya know, early in the mornin' and not enough cider in me.”

Rainbow looked like she was about to urinate herself. Her wings flapped rapidly, and yet Pinkie's hold on her did not budge, despite the strength in Dash’s wings.

“Please, Pinkie, you’re scaring me,” she whined. Her ears wilted to the side of her muzzle, fear creeping along the corners of her cerise eyes. Despite being more than capable of being able to pull herself away, she was shell shocked. “This isn’t funny. I'm just a bit horny, alright? Okay, really horny today. Put me down?”

“Who or what made your bell ring, Rainbow? Get it out now and save yourself punishment!” Pinkie said.

“Pinkie, that’s enough,” Applejack said sternly, nosing Pinkie to the side. “Come on, Pinkie, you’re not actin’ like yerself.”

Who dashed your driveway!?” Pinkie roared.

“Shining Armor filling me like Joe’s icing filled doughnuts!” Dash cried.

Pinkie immediately dropped Rainbow, blinking rapidly in amusement. “Well... this is going to be a very awkward conversation, and that’s coming from me!”

“Pinkie, you’ve crossed a line and hurt poor Rainbow’s feelings,” Applejack said, stuffing a hoof into Pinkie's mouth. She turned toward Rainbow, folding her ears in shame. “She’s been mighty calm, even for herself this mornin’, and I should've known somethin’ was up, RD. Maybe her gumball machine needs a quarter inside of it too. Maybe that’s why she wanted to know the details,” Applejack said sharply, her hazel eyes staring into Pinkie's own.

With a shake of her head, Rainbow pulled herself back up into the air, brushing herself off. She looked emotionally relieved and damaged at the same time.

“No, Pinkie’s right,” she said dejectedly. “If she hadn’t done that, I'd have dodged the question. You gotta know when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object something happens. Come at me head on with my problems, you know?”

Somethin' else is up here. I can feel it. Rainbow Dash is awful at hidin' her emotional troubles when they boil over, and somethin' is ruffling her feathers. Applejack had to find out. For her friend not to be excited about the one day where she could let herself loose even more than usual was concerning, to say the least.

See?” Pinkie removed Applejack's hoof from her mouth, petting the hoof idly. “There’s a method to my madness,” she chirped. “If Fluttershy or Twilight was here I wouldn't have done that, but since it’s the three of us, I had to act!”

Or you could've just let me take care of it, but you’re about as impulsive as Dash, Pinkie. And dang it, where’s an energy drink to calm you down? The irony of the statement was a theory Twilight was still testing out.

“I had it handled,” Applejack stated, resulting in a slight wince from Pinkie. “Rainbow’s clearly 'n need 'n more ways than one, and while she and I can take a mighty beatin', there’s more to this than I think she’s lettin’ on. Right, Dasha?”

For a moment, it didn’t look like Rainbow would answer. Her eyes looked at the ground as she quickly landed. She began to scoff at the grass in the manner she had picked up from Fluttershy out of nervous habit. “I... damn it, yeah, I got more problems than me just needing a lay, I think. Maybe. I’m not exactly known for being a thinking kind of pony.”

Pinkie slid herself besides Rainbow, wrapping a forehoof around her supportively. “Come on, Rainbow, you know if you got a real problem, we’re here to help you! You know that I love you, and we love you. So what if you got the urge on Twilight’s brother? He’s your kinda colt, and it’s not like anypony can read your mind or you’d do anything to hurt her."

"And... well... don't tell anypony, but he's... really cute too.” Pinkie let out the infamous squee that while she was not the inventor of, was its most vocal supporter. It didn't however cover the red that was beginning to work its way across her cheeks.

Rainbow’s wings flapped rapidly, as if they were pleading her to take off toward the nearest bastion of clouds she could hide behind.

I was right, Applejack thought. But I don't think she's in heat either. Somethin's still not bein' said.

Dash was doing everything in her power to keep the urge to run away inside of her. Applejack knew her well enough that the ability for her friend to do that had long since passed. She was going to tell her friends the truth in the shielded manner that Rainbow did to protect her ego.

"I... it’s more than me just wanting Soarin’ or any good looking pony for the night or a month. I... I think I might have a crush on Shining Armor, guys. Not the hots. A crush. A 'I want to be your mare and make you breakfast' kind of crush."

And there it is. That explains-

Pinkie choked back a laugh, her thought process clearly only catching the words she wanted to catch. "You can't cook anything well except for waffles, Rainbow! Silly. You'd kill him through mustard gas!" She stroked her chin in contemplation. "I don't know where you'd get mustard gas, but your cooking is almost as bad as Sweetie Belle’s!"

"Now, Pinkie, I think here Rainbow Dash is being honest and isn't jokin' around for once," Applejack said. Dash nodded quietly, her hooves twitching by the sides of her lean frame. "I really do think this is more then you gettin' a bit antsy and needin' a good release, Rainbow. You just might need to settle down after what Tesla Coil did to ya, sugarcube."

There. That was the issue. When the words escaped from Applejack's mouth was the moment she noticed that Rainbow's frame began to slowly relax. The core issue that Dash had been hiding had been exposed, and one of her closest friends was helping her address it. Personal emotional tension and Rainbow Dash did not mix. Applejack would happily fix that.

Applejack continued with her prep talk, joining Pinkie Pie with a forehoof wrapping around Rainbow's shoulder, forming a security blanket around Rainbow. "I know you’ve certainly grown frisky ‘n are known for bein' that - and that’s yer prerogative ‘n all - but sex just doesn’t cover it I think for you anymore. Shinin’s a good stallion and should be the ideal you're aimin’ for. And if I may say so myself he’s as noble of a colt out there as any I’ve seen. I don't think you have a crush on him though; I think you got a crush on a pony like him. Ya want somepony who's kinda like what Rarity's after." She chuckled quietly. "Shoot, girl, you just want yourself a noble, modern knight who can kick tail."

Rainbow quickly perked up, her ears flicking upward as her wings spread in contentment. “Thanks, AJ," she said, giving her friend a gentle cheek nuzzle. "I think you helped me realized what I meant. I’m just looking for a pony who kinda won’t treat me like a clop object, not that yours truly isn't the best clop object ever,” she added, scoffing at her own chest.

"I'm... not sure that was part of the talk," Pinkie said, raising an eyebrow.

I will keep the satisfaction of knowin' that Pinkie Pie acted completely normal for about five seconds simply to myself, Applejack chuckled.

Applejack rolled her eyes at Rainbow's ego returning to the playful showmanship that she did to protect herself from her own emotional weakness. She was a friendly mare to newcomers underneath her boastful, prideful, and sarcastic exterior. She truly was, but she slipped into what others might call a 'bitch' to protect her weak points if they got prodded enough. Dash's friends knew she had a heart of gold and steel at the same time, much like Applejack herself.

Ponies just don’t realize there’s a lot more tickin’ in that head of Rainbow’s than flyin’ and braggin’, Applejack thought. It could be the mare may need somethin’ to stable her in.

Celestia would that be nice to see her stabled and reined in like a Germaney punk rocker and her ear pierced master, her more snide side replied.

Now you watch it head, she warned mentally. I’ve never had as much fun in my life as I’ve had around her; she helps me unwind better than anythin', and you know it too. We’re both physical fillies, and she just knows how to make us laugh and enjoy life, much like Pinkie Pie does. Dasha just does it in her own unique way. Like... Pinkie.

Dang it, her snide side sighed. Why do ya make good points?

Cause that’s what we do.

“Jackie has a good point, Dashie.” Pinkie stroked through Rainbow's wild mane. “You might have shaken your plot too much, and would rather have a pony tug on your heart instead of your mane."

The wave of tittering giggles escaping from Pinkie's mouth was infectious on Applejack, who joined in with Pinkie as a soundboard. "Aww, that’s so cute! You’re totally adorable when you’re in love or want to be loved. Let's hug more. Huggies!”

Rainbow’s cheeks began to quickly match the red in her mane. “Pinkie, stop it! I'm totally getting you back for today. Just you wait!"

And there she goes. Her fences up an' runnin' again and back to the filly I call my best friend.

"Oh, I will wait, Dash. I'll wait for you all night long." Pinkie growled seductively into her friend's ear, the raw cherry on Rainbow's cheeks glowing like a Hearthswarming decoration.

Rainbow shoved Pinkie away from her playfully, forcing out a squeak from Pinkie's muzle and an amused chuckle from Applejack's.

"Go buck yourselves, both of you," Rainbow growled, the blood on her cheeks not keen on going away anytime soon. "I need a pony after Tessie, and you're teasin' me, Pinkie! You're so creepy when you are teasin' ponies. Most likely cause... heh... you're good at it."

Pinkie Pie teases the manure out of ponies when she needs her doors greased, and Rainbow gets soft an' pissy at the same time. I've always known this, but I've never seen these two this bad before. I hope to Celestia this ain't somethin' ya catch.

The last thing Applejack needed was an injection of whatever was frisking up her friends. Either she was too busy from her work to really focus on her loins, or she simply had a small and playful rookus that usually wasn't on the tier of what her two friends were capable of. Usually.

"Look, can we get moving?” Rainbow scowled. The faintest of smiles creeped over the corners of her lips, giving Applejack that little hint she needed to know she had done a job well done.

Dash pulled herself up into the air with a loud crack of her back. “Sheesh, it's like half of Equestria is out to get me, including myself. Did I crap on someone's cloud or something?"

Pinkie Pie frowned shortly, scoffing at the ground herself. "I'm sorry, Dash, I guess AJ's right: I might need a bit of a pogo sticking too. Oh!"

She bounced into the air with a springing hop of glee. "I know! Let me take you out to our favorite place, Rainbow! There we can eat and talk and laugh and be silly fillies and plan on hooking you up with somepony! Or a party! A bachelorette party!"

Both Applejack and Rainbow facehooved in unison. "One step at a time, Pinks," they said together.

Slowly they turned their eyes toward each other. They laughed out loud at their mind melding, shaking their heads at what years of friendship had turned them into. Applejack wouldn't trade it for the world.

Except when she fought with Rainbow. Then she just solved her problems by punching her in the face. It worked half of the time, and it was better than nothing.

Rainbow shook her head once again, snorting out a little chuckle. She smiled happily. "You're insane, Pinkie, but free food is just the way to my heart! I do love food. But not quite as much as you or Twilight."

"Now come on, Rainbow," Applejack said, folding her forehooves in mock disgust, "can't ya wait till Twi's next to ya to make fun of her? Twi’ needs ta be able to defend herself and lower you down a notch. Cause you know full well that when she gets a goin' on ya hard, dear Gringolet she can bring ya down faster then a cannonade to a ships mast."

"But we were making fun of Rainbow before she got here, just like Twilight would," Pinkie chirped.

"It better be awesome calamari," Dash huffed, "or I swear to Celestia..."

She burst down the main road toward Ponyville, her wings leaving her peers quickly behind as a crackle of colored mist emanated behind her.

"You always say it is-wait up, Rainbow!" Pinkie pronged after Rainbow Dash, leaving Applejack alone to shake her head.

Ya know, this must be why Twilight says she's never having kids; because if I ever had one like these two, I'd quickly run out of bourbon. At least runnin' will build up an appetite.

With a disgruntled huff, Applejack galloped after the fading image of Rainbow Dash's form skyrocketing into Ponyville. Pinkie Pie wasn't too far behind, and that meant that Applejack had to sadly follow the laws of physics to catch up. She didn't have a chance in Tartarus to catch either of them, but that tended to be her lot in life. She'd have it no other way.

Most of the time.

Some of the time.

She tried to stay optimistic.

Chapter Four: The Mares Of The Top-Heavy Round Table

View Online

Well I wasn’t expecting her to react that way about the mentioning of sex. I was being tactful about it. Can’t a mare help another one experience the joys of a night out, deep intimacy, and learning about what they enjoy? If anypony needs it the most, it's Twilight.

Rarity's plan was very simple and straight forward: Open up Twilight to the possibilities that a bit of sexual exploration could give her, and watch her confidence soar. Sex was almost always the worst the first time around. It was a nearly universal constant. But at least Twilight would be able to grow and learn from it, like most ponies did.

Twilight really needs to stop being so paranoid about it, Rarity thought. But than again, asking Twilight to not be paranoid about something she is already paranoid about is just... foolish.

The flustered anger that Twilight was showing - much akin to Rainbow Dash’s, although not quite as cute if Rarity were asked about it - had turned into the shy, rambling concern that she had when she opened up about a subject she had little experience in.

“So you want me to just skip the first date stage and go... that far?” Twilight said, snorting in amusement. "Sounds a little... extreme, Rarity. A Rainbow Dash kind of extreme. That's not right, coming from you."

Rarity sighed quietly, resting her forehooves gently on the table in front of her. A morning cup of caffeine was what both of them needed, and Plains Trotters had just about everything anypony could ask for if they sought casual food or some sort of caffeinated beverage. Outside of the library it was the Elements' favorite meeting and eating spot.

The espresso in Rarity's magic was going to be needed as much today as it was during a hectic night of late night dressmaking if she were going to get her plan to work.

If this plan is going to succeed I'm going to have to keep her from thinking too hard. Despite being a very smart pony herself Rarity knew that the raw ponypower in Twilight's mind was frightful. She needed to keep her friend flustered and confused until the last moment if she wanted to stay ahead.

It was time to try the motherly approach.

Rarity smiled sweetly at Twilight. “Twilight, dear, you are twenty. I’m not saying that dating in the manner you are speaking of isn’t good for you; on the contrary. Once you’ve had a bit of fun I more than insist that is the route for a pony such as yourself, and I am more than happy to help you in any manner that I can. However, I think it’s time you... 'enter' another rite of passage into adulthood, you could say.”

Twilight mumbled incoherently, twirling a mixing spoon through her tea. She rolled her eyes dismissively. “Thanks for the special treatment, mom," she said flatly. "What is this, a baptism by fire? I'm not sure it works like that, Rarity.”

Well that didn't go as planned, now did it? Rarity sighed mentally. Twilight was constructing a wall of sarcasm around her stubborness to Rarity's idea, which only demonstrated how serious Twilight's problem was and how Rarity was nipping at that armor.

Or... did it work? She pressed further.

“We all have to go through this, Twilight,” Rarity continued, leaning gently on the table. “You know how much I talk about my ideal colt? It’s because I have the confidence to know I can handle myself in all the manners that a relationship entails. I have that practical knowledge that you know full well tempers theoretical. You are very close to being able to handle that yourself, but until you are able to handle yourself emotionally and physically you will flounder, and that’s the last thing the rest of us want.”

“When did you become my mother?” Twilight groaned, taking a long sip from her spiced tea. Her violet eyes had begun to cross in anger, and her tail flicked upward to add to the gesture.

Much like Rainbow Dash - which scared Rarity at the thought of Twilight and Rainbow sharing traits - Twilight's resistance was growing firmer as Rarity neared her mark. It only showed that her method of persuasion was working. She knew what lines she could cross.

“When I realized my friend needed a bit of help escaping her 'fortress of solitude',” Rarity quipped, tittering quietly to herself.

“Come now," she said, waving a forehoof dismissively, "we already know you pleasure yourself, so it’s not as if you are completely unaware of the joys of self-release. Is it a recently acquired talent?”

Be blunt, kind, curious, make her embarrassed, and advise. All at the same time. That is the best way to get through to you, Twilight, when you set your shields to full. And Rainbow Dash, oddly enough.

The parallels between Twilight and Rainbow were beginning to make Rarity's soul shiver.

“Rarity!” Twilight hissed, her cheeks burning brightly, “that’s private. And we're in public!” She looked around to see if anypony else was listening in on their conversation. So far, the coast was clear, but the panic was still splattered on her muzzle.

One more punch.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “I guess three years of friendship, near death, and evil just doesn’t cover intimate details anymore. Oh... drat.

Fine, Rarity. Fine.” Twilight's tail thudded on the stone beneath her as she threw her forehooves into the air. She crossed them over her chest afterwards, looking away from Rarity with a pouting anger that Rarity knew all too well.

“Of course I know how to... clop," Twilight said. "And that’s the truth! There’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s completely natural."

The absurdity of the situation and conversation finally hit Twilight, causing her to break out into a short laugh, shaking her muzzle from side to side. "I can't believe I'm telling you this. That we're talking about this."

And there you are, Rarity hummed to herself mentally. We have breached the walls, men! She could feel her sapphire orbs gleam in personal satisfaction from not only working her own magic, but ready to hear Twilight's woes. It was more important than a small ego stroking. Although a gentle petting of Rarity's own ego was certainly appreciated.

“Then why are you so hidden about it?" Rarity asked. "Surely you know we've all talked about it; Truth or Dare has brought out many secrets, although I would hardly call ‘self pleasure’ a secret. Your memory is extraordinary, Twilight, and I do not believe a bit of alcohol would ruin it.”

“Because it’s a taboo subject?” Twilight said, tapping the table with a forehoof. She looked around once again for ghosts that were not there. Satisfied, she rested her forehooves on the table, taking a deep drought of her tea. "I'm not Rainbow Dash, Applejack, or even slightly like Pinkie Pie."

Rarity peeked her eyes above her espresso. "But I thought you were?"

Twilight smiled snidely at Rarity's humor, much akin to her own. "I hate you, Rarity," she chuckled.

"Hugs and kisses for all of eternity, sweetie," Rarity winked. “Now correct me if I'm wrong, but did you say talking about sex with your closest friends is taboo? Oh do point to the social etiquette book that says this, as I would love to read it."

"And you'd most likely want to read my book on my personal sexual fantasies too," Twilight grinned, "but you've always been a voyeur like that, and like being caught in the act."

Rarity sputtered on her words as Twilight laughed in revenge. "T-t-this isn't about me! This is about you. Now come, you know full well dating surely will lead to sex eventually, and I am nearly certain you aren’t a waiting till marriage kind of mare, now are you?”

What shocked Rarity the most was Twilight's honesty.

Twilight leaned back, the smile on her muzzle fading as she let out a quiet sigh. “I... want to be... cuddled." Her posture and eyes softened as she meekly stared at her tea. "I get tense, as you know. And... well... the thought of somepony beside me to unwind after a long day of research sounds... enjoyable.”

She clopped her forehooves loudly together, chuckling shyly. "And well... to test out some... 'theories', and so you are half right there. Or... fully right."

Rarity sipped on her espresso, smiling gently at Twilight. "You see? Affection is a very basic need for a pony to have, so you should not be ashamed of yourself if you wish to seek it. Just make sure you have no pretty innocent princess thoughts about sex being repulsive unless he’s your ‘one true love’ if it comes to that.”

She smiled at the concept, and watched Twilight's smile grow in unison. Rarity had aged a bit over the recent few years as well, and had once believed in such sexual purity. Not anymore. It was asinine of her now to think of anyponies' first mating partner being perfect.

She herself was close though. One must be modest with themselves. And modest she was.

“Well of course I have some doubts,” Twilight said, a peaceful and slightly excited smile crossing her muzzle. Her mind had switched to what she was best: A calm and rational scientist. “Sex is an emotionally binding experience and chances are I’d not stay with them for long statistically.”

Rarity nodded softly. “Mmm. That's a real concern we all have; we don't want you to be hurt knowing that's the case, Twilight, and we’re here to help you sort through those feelings when they happen. I’m more than sure there is a colt around here or nearby not only attracted to you but who will treat you right. One who is more than willing to show an affectionate side.”

“Unless you think I can be emotionally detached from the beginning and just... uhh... ‘stand it’?" Twilight failed to repress a snort, letting the dry humor hover in the air. It was funny to her. That was all that mattered.

“Okay, I'm not that detached emotionally," Twilight giggled. "I just need to open up a bit. It’s only a hyper minority of ponies who don’t mate before marriage. Sexual incapability is a variable I’m not keen on keeping unknown.”

“Or many variables for that matter,” Rarity giggled in return. Many variables indeed, she thought. “Don’t jump too far, Twilight dear. This is fun we are talking about, not wedding bells and dresses.”

She sat back in her chair, feeling her pupils go wide in shock. “Did I... just say what I thought I said!?”

I did... woe befall my lineage! It was a good thing she wasn't going to have any children.

With laughter bursting from her lungs, Twilight nearly fell over onto her side. “You did!”

Rarity mumbled incoherent vulgarities to herself in disapproval. The shame would never go away, unless it did later this evening. Hopefully.

Twilight rested her forehooves on top of the table, the smile across her muzzle a balance to Rarity's frown. “And I guess when you put it that way if there’s any way I want to explore myself, it’d be with my best friends. I just don’t want to rush into it.”

“Don’t worry, Twi'. Exploring yourself is something I rock at, although I don’t think ‘friendship with benefits’ is a good idea with us, and that’s coming from me.”

Twilight and Rarity screeched at Rainbow's voice behind them, thankful for the magic holding their hot drinks in check.

“Where did you come from!?” they said in tandem.

Rainbow idly shrugged. “Escaping from Applejack and Pinkie Pie chasing after me about my sex life. Pretty much I'm kinda horny today."

"I'm truly shocked," Rarity said. "I was expecting something along the lines of 'I'm Rainbow Dash and a quarter of Ponyville looks good to me'."

"I came to them looking for help," Dash continued, glaring at Rarity, "but no, they had to make fun of it. And... help me at the same time, but that's not important right now. At least I’m here to help ya, Twi'. Because as the local sex expert ya can't go wrong with me."

“How much did you hear!?” Twilight cried.

Rainbow shrugged again. She was very good at shrugging. “Just the last bit about cuddling ‘n touchy feely stuff ‘n how Rarity thinks you need your horn waxed. Which is all cool.”

“You could've at least announced yourself, Rainbow Dash, instead of snooping.” Rarity huffed, tugging on one of Rainbow's ears with a thrum of magic.

Dash winced, flapping her wings harder in protest.

“I was trying to open up Twilight so she could get the bravado she needs to find a stable colt,” Rarity continued. “I’m not seeking for Twilight to trot out and throw herself at the nearest stallion available. I'm simply suggesting that if she wishes to find a coltfriend you and I know better in that she needs to dip into the water first."

And here comes Rainbow smashing everything I worked so hard on. Why am I not surprised?

Twilight slammed her forehooves onto the table, anger trickling in her eyes. "Why are you talking about me and my sex life as if I'm not even here? Is this what Spike feels like around me?"

“It’s what my ear feels like right now," Rainbow growled at Rarity. "And Pinkie grabbed my chest today in a way I didn't want to be grabbed. Hard. And I worked out this morning. Can I get a break from physical stuff for once?”

Rainbow flapped her wings rapidly, pulling back from Rarity’s magic. Her wings were strong enough to break away from Rarity's hold, although not without sending Rarity squealing onto her back.

Dash caught Rarity's drink on one of her hind legs, scooping it up with a forehoof to sniff at the compressed beans. “Eww! It smells like concentrated death, and not the awesome kind of concentrated death.”

Twilight had buried her head in her forehooves, all of Rarity's efforts having collapsed. It was just another normal day in Ponyville and around her friends once again. It just happened to have been about sex this time.

She prepared herself for the worst.

“Today is going to be awful,” she droned, shaking her snout from side to side. “I need something to eat before I want to scream. No... I just might scream anyways, now that Rainbow knows about this. So who else wants to dive into my sex life?”

Rainbow slid beside Twilight, grinning widely as she folded her wings. “Now that’s a life question I wanna know; do you do that deep grunt of frustration ya do or a little moan? Or something high pitched when you clop?”

“Do you have any filter, Rainbow?” Twilight replied. Her amethyst eyes glowed like daggers into the cerise ones looking excitedly at her own, winning the battle of wills. Rainbow retreated with a meek, very faint sound of submission, coughing as if nothing had happened. It was impossible for Twilight not to smile at her small personal victory.

Rarity pulled herself up onto her seat once again, growling between her teeth at Rainbow. “Welcome to you too, Miss Dash. I hope you've enjoyed your morning as much as we have.”

We are now accepting passengers to the chemistry of Rainbow and Twilight’s minds dancing around each other. The train from Rainbow’s brutal honesty to Twilight’s dry snideness will be leaving shortly. We must warn those on board train on train collisions are common.

“Ehh, it’s been up and down, and not in the flying or plot bouncing kind of way,” Rainbow replied.

Great," Twilight hissed, "now I have to deal with Rainbow talking about her sex life more than she does normally."

"Hey!" Rainbow replied, flapping her wings once. "You're just... a bit antsy right now. Like me." Her tone grew softer, biting her lower lips in the awfully adorable manner that she did. It hurt Rarity to look at it, as much as she would deny it. It hurt her even more she found Rainbow cute in any manner.

Twilight stared at her drink dejectedly, tiredly blinking at the tea in front of her. “So when is the next monster going to attack before I have a seizure?”

However, do note that a line of playful energy to wised curiosity may be in the works... Rarity liked what she saw.

“Tsk tsk," Rarity began, waving her forehoof slowly at her two friends, "two mares in front of me needing some help from Rarity. Why am I not surprised?”

She idly twirled a strand of her purple hair, eyeing Rainbow and Twilight with a growing smile that was bordering on something more sinister than it needed to be.

It is time to recover this, dear Rarity, and slyly weave them back into my trap once more. Wait.. no! Not a trap! Plan... It was a plan most cunning.

Dash and Twilight looked at each other, glancing between themselves and Rarity.

“Can... I get something to eat before I think you talk about what I think you are about to talk about?” Rainbow chuckled nervously. “Because if you are about to talk about what I think you are about to talk about I think this is a horrible idea, and I’ve had my share of horrible ideas.”

Rarity purred quietly, Twilight and Rainbow gulping down small balls of saliva. “We all know how open you are, Dash dear, and I have a... hunch that Twilight is as well; as it is reasonable for a pony to judge someone by their hearts. What is between their legs is just an accepted outcome.”

“Oh hey look, a perfect timing for me to jump into an awkward conversation and make it even more awkward-I have a tendency to do that-but here you two will totally thank me!”

Pinkie leaped into a chair idly, crossing her hind legs as Rainbow, Rarity, and Twilight cried in shock, falling over onto their backs.

“See?" Pinkie giggled. "I’m a life saver. Aren't you glad I can make problems go away so easily? Nothing like a Pinkie to make your problems go away for another day."

Damn it all to Tartarus, that rascal! Rarity cursed mentally. “Can we please not be scared like that again today?” Rarity frantically panted, pulling herself upright once more. “What if I got expresso on my coat and burned myself? Or heavens forbid did some bodily function in fear!?” It would ruin everything, and there is only so much I can handle before I faint or get my couch!

“Pinkie Pie, don’t do that, you scared the crap out of us!” Twilight sighed, tapping Pinkie on her nose. “Although on second thought... it was getting a bit weird. Thanks.”

“No problem, Twi’,” Pinkie tittered. “I’m here to serve the public in any way I can, other than what Rainbow immediately thought of. No, Dashie, no.”

“Whatever,” Rainbow said dismissively, waving her wing at Pinkie's quiet giggles. “Now I have post-adrenal fatigue. I need a drink.”

“You see, Twilight? This is why you don’t drink early, despite the very large temptation you may have to do so,” Rarity said, stabbing a forehoof at Rainbow. “Rainbow Dash is the living example of alcoholism hidden deep within an athlete. Why do you think those scandals always happen to those at the top?”

Rarity's mind quickly formed a checklist. Both of them stressed? Check. Depressed? Check. One wizened and the other inexperienced? Check.

“Screw you, Rarity, and not with anything arousing," Rainbow groaned. Her muzzle collapsed on the table, her cerise eyes staring off into space. "Energy drink number three. That sounds so good right now. Although drinking is tempting too.”

“I’ve got ya covered, RD. Now let’s all settle down, and sort through our problems like grown mares ‘n figure what in the hay we’ve all trotted ourselves into.”

Unlike both the entrances of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, Applejack had clearly made her presence known, rolling a can of concentrated willpower off of her hat onto a forehoof.

“I knew you girls would be here, and by the look of panic on y’all’s faces - except you, Pinkie - I see we got ourselves a crisis that needs to be roped in before it turns into a tornado.”

Dash accepted the can with a quickly spreading grin at the nectar of the old Pegasi’ gods in delight.

As Applejack pulled up a chair around the circular table, the situation was indeed becoming one that the five Elements of Harmony needed to fix.

Six, if one included Fluttershy humming happily to herself as she half danced through the air toward her friends.

The other Elements raised their eyebrows at the raw delight coming from Fluttershy’s frame. There was Fluttershy level happiness, and than there was Fluttershy slightly high on drugs level happiness. This was leaning toward the later.

It was Twilight who threw up her forehooves in thanks to the improbable impossibilities of chance working toward her favor for just once this day. “Thank you!” she cheered. “Thank you! Somepony who clearly isn’t insane today."

"But I haven't-" Applejack began.

Twilight ignored her. "Please tell me, Fluttershy, you are doing perfectly fine, aren’t possessed by some evil mind controlling entity that would still make today better than what I’ve been forced to go through, and can at least be a voice of reason to my other friends who are trying to either set me up with another friend, are flirting with me, or are controlling my sex life?”

"So, Twilight, how's your sex life?" Pinkie asked in a weird accent.

“Rarity, or Rainbow, or Pinkie is settin’ you up with who now?” Applejack blinked, sitting herself down. "First Pinkie's been frisky, then Rainbow, and now the rest of y'all are? Why do I have the feelin' this is gonna be a long day?"

"Because of tonight?" Pinkie said. "It's 'lets party like real mares night! We're just starting earlier than we usually do."

Rainbow exhaled happily as she sipped her Mooster, feeling the chemicals flush her system. “I’m not setting up anypony; it’s Rarity trying to maybe get Twilight to date-”

“-I am not-you two would grow much from each other!" Rarity sputtered.

No! I was supposed to have this under control, how could I let it slip away!? Is this what Nightmare Moon must of felt like?

You were her once, her mind replied.

I do not wish to remember those times. Be quiet!

Pinkie lifted up her forehooves, pushing away the idea physically. “Woah, Rarity. Friendship with benefits is not gonna work with the whole Harmony thing going. Me and Dashie should know!"

Twilight had resulted to thudding her head on the table at the conversation around her. It was the best thing she could do for her intellect. “Mental breakdown in five, four, three."

“Girls. Shh.”

With a gentle flutter of her wings, Fluttershy sat down to complete the circle of the Elements. She looked calm and serene, more so than she normally did. Angelic peace was more apt for Fluttershy at the moment, and it didn’t seem like she would change from that mindset any time soon.

“I think we all need to settle down,” she said sweetly. “Today is going to be very fun, and you all look like you need to open up and talk. Now, why don’t we all relax, take deep breaths, and get this out early. I’m sure more will come out tonight, but until then we should enjoy the rest of our day doing whatever we want.”

“Flutters’ is right,” Applejack nodded, smiling at Fluttershy. “I think we all need to settle down, maybe nibble on somethin’, and figure out exactly what is goin’ on. Cause... I think I’m not the only one confused here."

Alright, we have two very reasonable mares here to back me up, Rarity sighed. All I have to do is relax, take it easy as Twilight would during a world ending event, gently push the conversation in one direction, set something up, and-

Sometimes, genius came in white and beautifully furred packages.

Oh. Oh, Rarity, you wondrous mare. You wondrous, wondrous mare. Play your cards well and this could go without a hitch. Not only will your friends have lovely new looks, but you might make this night far better than any that we've ever had. You are a devil, and you should be proud of that.

Just... try not to cry yourself to sleep about the monetary expense. She put all of her energy and focus into regaining the composure that her muzzle and voice once had. She would need it.

The world should be thankful she wasn't a dictator in the making and used her facial and vocal beauty to corrupt the lives of millions.

"I think," Rarity said, "what we need to do is eat something and explain exactly what we are all wanting tonight," she said smoothly. "Nothing some idle chatter and fact finding can not fix. Don't you agree, Twilight?"

Twilight nodded slowly, her purple eyes looking back with determination into Rarity's own. Excellent, Rarity mentally trilled. "And you need to explain why you think Rainbow and I should-"

Rarity waved a forehoof at Twilight's statement. "A misunderstood slip, but why don't I treat you all out for lunch, because I think after sorting things out, I have a very big idea for tonight."

Rainbow Dash glanced at her friends in concern, swallowing down a large chug of her drink. She almost choked on it.

"I don't like the sound of this," Rainbow coughed, patting her throat.

"But it's free food, Rainbow, how can you forget that?" Pinkie beamed. "And I don't have to pay for it. So it's a double whammy of amazingness!"

Applejack looked skeptical at the idea until Fluttershy clopped her forehooves in approval.

"That's a wonderful idea, Rarity," Fluttershy said. "Everypony is tense, and there's nothing like nutritional food to help."

Yes. Help.

Chapter Five: Keep Calm With F Bombs

View Online

Fluttershy had many reasons to be happy, and she wasn't even stoned yet.

It had been over three years since the Elements of Harmony had become best friends, despite how different they could all be from one another. It showed how strong their unity was, despite their clashing personalities and desires. They all forgave each other and loved one another, no matter how many insults and fights that could fly at the drop of a hoof.

Today was different though.

It just seemed that some unknown stressor was affecting them, and that was what made a motherly instinct inside of Fluttershy kick in. She was determined to help her friends in any way she could, and if Rarity offered to help than that was fine and dandy too.

Once the food had started flowing and some water to fight the mild summer heat was served - dehydration surely didn't help the stress of the situation - her friends seemed to relax more and more; she too could get peeved at not properly eating.

"So it seems that, Rainbow: You might be looking for a pony to settle down with," Fluttershy said, swirling a spoon through her cauliflower soup. "And, Twilight: You are looking for your first playmate."

Rainbow nodded, suckling down pieces of marinara covered calamari. Fluttershy's oldest friend drank water like a fish and was almost always instantly perked up by any offering of fish, or seafood in general.

And there's nothing wrong with that too, she thought. While she was a vegetarian herself, Pegasi could and did digest seafood if they so chose too. It's just part of the circle of life, and fish can't talk anyways.

With her energy drink in hoof and food in her stomach, Rainbow Dash looked almost chipper. "That pretty much sums it up," Rainbow nodded, swirling another piece of squid through her tomato sauce. "I'm not in heat, so that's not making it worse. Maybe I just... bottle in too many of my true feelings, you know? I'm afraid to speak out about my problems, and I'm sick of chasing tail, as Applejack said earlier. But I'm... afraid to commit. Tesla Coil left a bad taste in my mouth. And well..."

"So that's why you haven't moved on huh?" Applejack said, chewing her spinach sandwich loudly. "Caboose filled with baggage? I thought that was Rarity's job." She gave Rarity a wink, fully remembering the camping trip Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow went on.

Rarity rolled her eyes at Applejack’s comment, Rainbow chuckling at the memories.

Dash continued her thoughts. "You could say that. I guess I just don't feel like I can be that intimate without getting hurt again; I don't want a pony getting close to me only to drop me hard and leave me a wreck. I'm deeper than I look."

"So you are a hoof deep instead of half of one?" Rarity smiled. "I thought you could take more, Rainbow; you are falling behind on your training, and with how much you work on your body you need to be properly fit to function."

Rainbow both blushed and snorted loudly in her failed attempt to repress her laughter, choking on a piece of squid to the resounding giggles of her friends.

Friendship was only at its finest when it was laughing at Rainbow Dash's misery.

"I'm so glad you are all back to being the lovely fillies that you are." Fluttershy sighed peacefully.

She had accepted what her friends had become over the years, for good or ill. Yes, they swore, drank, had sex, and were no longer the innocent young mares that they once were, but it was fun. And she would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that letting loose like that helped her, Rarity, and Twilight relax their more conservative sides.

She pushed aside the wild side of her personality that liked rum and vodka to a corner of her mind. Or until the evening came. It was for the best.

"I'm sure we can help you with being emotionally intimate, Rainbow; just like we can help you, Twilight." Fluttershy wrapped a wing gently around Twilight, giving her a calm smile.

"Thanks, girls, when you aren't giving me all migraines," Twilight smirked with a roll of her eyes, sipping her tomato bisque soup. "I should have known you girls would help me, but I guess since this is so... personal, I didn't know what to say." She clopped her forehooves together nervously. "And I guess I'm... heh... maybe in estrus?"

"Twilight dear, it isn't as if ponies aren't naked in public anyways and aren't used to mares being in heat." Rarity twirled her fork through her caesar salad idly. "Society would collapse if mares just went berserk during their cycles.”

Rarity looked at Fluttershy with a gentle smile. “Fluttershy dear, I have to tell you: Do you know sometimes you just... radiate tranquility? It's why you make a wonderful model."

Fluttershy blushed softly at the compliment. Maybe it's because I'm preparing myself for tonight, she thought. Not that I'm a bully or anything tipsy! I do seem able to make ponies feel at peace though, but ponies seem to like it. Peace is peaceful. If there was anypony in Equestria who enjoyed peace, it was Fluttershy.

Although every once in awhile - such as nights like tonight - getting wild was half the fun.

"And I wanna know what you have planned for us, Rarity, and what's the deal with you thinking that Twilight and Rainbow should hook up?" Pinkie said.

Pinkie had been mellowed out as much as was possible without tranquilizers from her calzone and contained can of Mooster. Those silly fillies and their bottled energy, Fluttershy thought. Twilight told me once about her theory on Pinkie Pie and caffeine, and how it calms her down. Something about... oh I can't remember. She'd have to ask Twilight about it later.

Rarity tapped her forehooves gently on the table, letting out a quiet sigh. “What I meant to say was that as Rainbow Dash is the most... 'experienced' of us, Twilight should seek her advice on how to handle herself when flirting. With careful observation from the rest of us. Careful, observation.

The other Elements nodded their heads gently in understanding. Rarity leaned back for a moment, filing a hoof as she took a bite of her salad. “In return I think Fluttershy and I can help you over the weeks find someone more long term for you, Dash. Don’t you agree?”

Rainbow was positively blooming with delight. She wasn't exactly well known for her ability to hide her satisfaction with something. A swishing, excited tail that was a solid six-colored spectrum of look-at-me didn't help either.

And she's so adorable like that too! Fluttershy hummed.

“So I get to help Twilight score, you’ll help me find a better pony than Tessie, I get free food, and this is mostly happening tonight!?” Rarity nodded at Rainbow, a squee emitting from Rainbow's muzzle in delight. Rarity twitched at the high pitched sound, despite the rest of the Elements grinning at Dash's joy. “Oh my gosh, that is totally awesome!

Rainbow wrapped a wing firmly around Twilight. “Oh my gosh, I am gonna find the colt for you!”

“Or mare,” Rarity added.

“Or ma-hey wait a minute,” Dash said, flicking an ear. “I’m not gonna force anything on Twi’. Just because my nimbus blows in all directions doesn’t mean hers does.”

Twilight was colored more akin to the soup she was formerly drinking than her own lavender. Her ears folded by the sides of her muzzle in shyness. “W-w-well, as Rarity said earlier, one should love a pony for their heart,” she nervously chuckled. “Not to mention we do have wonderfully curved... posteriors.”

“Now, Twi’, that’s nothin’ to be ashamed about,” Applejack said, tipping her hat sagely. “As if the rest of y’all don’t have barn doors that swing both ways. Or hay, most mares in Equestria.”

“Woah, woah, woah, us?” Pinkie gasped. “Excuse me, who’s the one who rolled in the hay with that girl from the Neightherlands last year in Bayston?”

“That doesn't count!” Applejack whinnied, slamming her forehooves onto the table. “She raped me! I may be strong, but she was a borderline rhino!”

“Umm... I hate to correct you, Applejack,” Fluttershy said, tapping her forehooves together, “but you were neighing really, really loudly. I heard you from across the motel. I had to sleep in the park it was so bad.” Granny Smith doesn't like mares doing that, but Applejack should know she’s safe with us.

Her thoughts clearly were not conveying themselves to Applejack. “I was drunk ‘n had a hit of reefer; I couldn't speak properly! Y’all know I was cryin’ afterwards.”

"Like, please," Pinkie chirped, resulting in a grin from Rainbow. "We were all like, 'Applejack, what are you doing with that marefriend of yours?' and all we could hear was-"

Pinkie's tongue and lips merged to form a slurping, bubbling gurgle of sounds half drooling from her mouth, cascading into a chorus of chuckles from the other Elements. Fluttershy was repressing pent up at how flustered Applejack was that morning after. Oh my gosh, she was completely gone. It was adorable! She could barely stand and was just so clumsy!

Applejack snorted air from her nose, folding her forehooves in front of her chest. "Here I am, tryin' to be helpful, and I get made fun of for havin' a good time last year."

The sharp ruby that exploded over her face wasn’t helped by the way her eyes darted about in panic. Her bad poker face was legendary. "W-w-wait, I mean-"

"Oh ho ho, you had more than that by the 'after action report' you did," Rainbow said, her voice cracking as she fell backwards onto the ground in squealing cackles of bliss.

“I... I should have sent Celestia a report about it,” Twilight choked, barely able to speak. Her neck had given up trying to support her head, her muzzle resting on the table as she pounded a hoof on its surface. “D-d-dear Celestia, Applejack today learned about the beauty of being open-minded. S-s-sometimes, different cultures do-"

She couldn't finish, falling over onto her back as the entire restaurant stared at the six mares - or five with one very pissed looking one - going ballistic.

Applejack sputtered as her friends broke out into gales of laughter, giving each and every one of them a dark stare from her green eyes. It didn't stop the laughing.

“Oh damn all of you to Tartarus ‘n get fondled by billy goats," Applejack spat. "I like strong mares. Kiss my round flank cheeks.”

They had all needed the burst of euphoria and Fluttershy could not help herself but join in, something that would've made her catatonic only two years ago. We all can laugh at ourselves, as Pinkie would say. Around friends, we all can open up and enjoy ourselves.

“It’s okay, Applejack,” Fluttershy giggled. She hovered over to Applejack, wrapping a forehoof around her side supportively. “You don’t need to take it so hard. It’s not like tonight one of us won't do something we won't laugh at. It'll most likely be me too.” And there's nothing wrong with that. I am a silly filly at times.

“I think... I think that’s what I needed, and that was to pull a muscle laughing.” Rainbow cooed drunkenly as she pushed herself up back onto her seat, wiping away the budding tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “I also think I need a pony who wasn't a plothole like Tesla. She was super kinky, but she reminded me too much of Gilda; or really old me; or Applejack hurt about her love of freshly spread, Germaney mare butter.”

Applejack could not help but spread the smallest of smiles from the corners of her fiery cheeks. "W-well that mare I had tasted as good as she looked, but damn she chipped a tooth when I got deep into her." The smile grew with every passing second. "I got'er good with my thighs around her neck though afterwards."

"R-r-revenge tastes so cidery sweet?" Fluttershy whispered.

Dash cried out in painful joy as the reckless laughter continued, soon enough cascading in the oak table being pounded and kicked by the Elements lost in hysteria.

Oh my gosh, I said something funny, sober! Oh my gosh I'm putting that in my diary! Fluttershy squeed loudly inside of her own head. It was a life accomplishment worthy of note.

"P-p-please, you two," Twilight panted, resting her snout on the table, "I'm... I'm dying. That was... the funnest three days of my life. We have to do something like that again!" Her eyes stared wildly into space, letting out a content sigh at the memories. They were memories that would have made Twilight either puke or ponder genocide only three years ago.

"Oh my gosh we totally do!" Pinkie rumbled, bouncing onto and on top of her seat. "We should do something like that tonight, because I was so tipsy back then, but is it my fault that Bayston lager is so tasty-no it isn't!" Pinkie oinked out pulsating giggles from her muzzle. "Oh horsies... I was so sore the morning after! Gobbling is so much fun. Why am I so good at it?"

Rainbow wrapped a forehoof around Pinkie's side. "Lots, and lots, of practice, Pinkie. I take second place to you on that."

Rarity couldn't keep herself from both tittering and blushing at the memories. She needed a break from it all from time to time as well. Or a lot of the time, if the amount of her dramatic flare ups were a good gauge of things.

She leaned forward scandalously, letting a prideful smile spread across her muzzle. "You see, Twilight? You just have to relax around us and let yourself go. And speaking of that trip, you all had to admit the stallion I got from Stablehelm was nothing short of hot," she rumbled. "He was the kind of a colt that would not last around Ponyville; not with me around, at least."

"Uhh, duh?" Rainbow growled huskily, her wings twitching by her sides. "Did you see his plot? Reminded me a lot about myself, if I was, ya know, from Scandineighvia. And a dude. And blond."

"Oh I saw more than that, I just didn't tell you about it," Rarity cooed to the envious moans of her friends. "Let's just say... oh no, I promised I would not tell!"

"Truth or Dare question tonight!" Pinkie clopped her forehooves together excitedly. "I'm so glad Celestia didn't know that we went there. That... wouldn't be good."

Twilight groaned at the thought of it, rolling her eyes to banish it to the recesses of her mind. "I think that's perhaps the biggest understatement anyone of us has ever made, ever."

She sat back up in her seat, pulling her mane back into place with a quick thrum of magic. "The last thing I want is for her to get into my sex life. Shining does that enough, as do my parents. And it seems you all." She chuckled dryly. "Guess it comes with being me, doesn't it?"

Rainbow drank her mug of water swiftly, coughing at the air trapped in her lungs. "Sorry we just want you to have, like, the best life ever, Twilight. Horrible isn't it?" Twilight kept her expression at smug indifference, Dash winking playfully at her. "So,” Dash continued with a loud clop of her forehooves, “back to sex."

"I'm shocked again," Rarity said.

"You started it," Dash replied, sticking out her tongue. "Why are Scandineighvian's so hot? Hey. He's all I can think about right now thanks to you, Rarity."

Pinkie stroked the end of her muzzle. "Well... they live in a cold place, and that shrinks things, so they get big things down there to make up for things when it gets warm! Well... okay... that doesn't explain everything else, and those things don't mean everything, but I mean, otherwise, how would us Earth ponies breed?"

Twilight blinked rapidly. "I'll just fill in the blanks of what Pinkie just said. Even I don't dance around talking about sex like that."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Applejack asked flatly. "I'm... not sure if I should be angry, or confused. I think I'm both."

Rainbow raised a forehoof. "It means that you need something sturdy to fill ya, Applejack. You know... big stallions ‘n stuff. Size counts for farm ponies. Not that I'm a size queen."

"Are you callin' me loose, thunder thighs?" Applejack blew out a trundle of steam from the end her muzzle, leaning forward to glare at Rainbow.

“No, Jackie,” Pinkie added, “she’s saying that if ya did non-Germaney ponies they’d most likely fall out because-ohh..."

Applejack smacked her tail on the ground, her dense blond hair resonating a resounding thud on the cobblestone. “I let ya prod at my hay life, but callin’ my gate broken in from plush pink lips and bulging blue behind just doesn't cover it.”

“Hey, I just meant you guys like big packages!" Rainbow said. "And I do have thunder on my thighs. Size isn’t a big deal for me as long as it’s averageish. Just saying Earth ponies need... uhh... oh... shit.”

Fluttershy squeaked softly. Her silence wasn't helping to defuse the situation.

Nor was the talking about sex. That was clearly the issue, and it seemed her friends were all having pent up urges that needed to be released. Badly.

The last thing Ponyville needed at the moment was Applejack and Rainbow fighting each other over sexual insults in public over a misunderstanding.

It tended to happen a lot.

“Calm down you two,” Fluttershy chuckled, swallowing down the wad of saliva in her mouth. “I-it was all fun and games. R-right, Pinkie Pie?”

“Yeah, but that wasn't nice.” Pinkie pouted, sticking out her bottom lip. “It’s just a joke, Jackie."

“Come now, there’s no reason to be so bullheaded, dears,” Rarity said. “Save the insults for when we only remember them in the morning.”

“Rainbow’s plothole is bullheaded,” Applejack muttered, blowing a loose strand of her mane from her eyes.

Twilight, Rainbow, Rarity, and even Pinkie glared at her, their eyes turning into slits at the comment.

“Wow... mature,” Twilight said. "Glad to see we can handle this like adults."

Fluttershy simply didn't know what to do. Any peace she had was replaced by her stuttering, bumbling indecisiveness. “Umm... girls,” Fluttershy whispered, “can we-”

“Sheesh you said it-” Pinkie began, only to be interrupted by Rainbow hovering above her seat.

"Can we leave my butthole out of this, I was born that way!" Rainbow cried. "I'm having a love life crisis here, AJ, and Twilight needs a good pony for her first. The last thing I need is to be paranoid about how my airstrip looks when I’m helping her. Sorry mine gets me more than ponies whose names are a fruit or a metal.”

If Applejack had damaged the mood Rainbow had destroyed it into a million pieces.

“Incoming,” Rarity whistled, nipping at her salad.

Okay, just let them fight it out, and everything will be alright.

Fluttershy quietly sighed to herself. Stopping an Applejack and Rainbow fight without Twilight shoving them apart was akin to stopping Rainbow and Pinkie Pie from doing something insane; you simply didn’t know either of the three mares involved.

Pinkie hummed rapidly in amusement, slurping on her Mooster as loudly as possible. “Boy, that escalated quickly.”

Applejack pressed her forehooves onto the table, doing everything but tipping it over as she dug into the wood, standing herself up. “Oh buck you, Rainbow. You may be a sarcastic little twit-”

“-thanks for the confidence boost, applehoofer," Rainbow nickered darkly.

"-you're welcome, but I care for ya, girl, despite all the jokin' around we do and you know that. Even when you’re a puffy green fart cloud. I love ya in a sisterly, non-incest related way, so that’s why I’m so defensive of you ‘n things. And that’s why ya shouldn’t make fun of me when I’m tryin’ to be decent. So don’t poke fun of yer older sister... protectin'... you.”

Applejack paused to reflect on her words, biting her bottom lip.

She constructed her next sentence slowly. “I... I knew you were plannin' on somethin' there, so I had to close that door ahead of time from the incest joke. Or... somethin’."

Rainbow broke down into a series of choking snorts. “Nice job keeping up with the alpha mare insults, AJ; good job keeping cool. A for effort.”

Applejack huffed out a chuckle in return. “Well my lips aren’t as practiced as yours.”

“I take that as a compliment that I can please ponies who come near me,” Rainbow preened, landing back down on her seat. "Might not be quite as good as Pinkie, but I'd say I leave them satisfied customers."

Pinkie bounced contently in seat. “Wee! Everything went better than expected. Whew! I thought this would be a fight, aren’t I glad-”

“Well ya know what they say, RD,” Applejack smirked, “loose lips sink airships.”

Twilight winced. “Or... not.”

Fluttershy's yellow fur was covered in sweat that slowly dripped down her skin. She was watching what was once a semi-controlled orchestra of harmony turn into a battle between an electric guitar and a furious fiddle.

Rainbow burst across the table with a crackle of air behind her, pressing her muzzle firmly into Applejack's. “Loose, lips?! Excuse me, gunta, I’m the second tightest here, Flapplejack.”

“I do not flap," Applejack growled, pushing her snout into Rainbow's. "But with what ya got under yer tail yer butthole flaps. Ponies just don’t tell ya about it.”

“I present to you a mare who has her own business, ladies and gentlecolts,” Rarity said, filing her hooves casually.

Fluttershy whimpered in defeat, leaning into Rarity submissively, her aqua eyes looking up at Rarity’s own. “S-s-should I Stare them? I don’t want to go that far, but-”

“There, there, Fluttershy,” Rarity cooed, kissing Fluttershy's forehead. “Rarity has this taken care of. Don't you worry about it. Let them fight it out for a bit longer, and everything will be alright.”

"Arion’s piss, AJ, I knew you kissed dirt but do you like my tailhole that much?” Rainbow’s tail flicked angrily behind herself. “You should've told me since you see it all the time tryin’ to catch me. Wanna give it a kiss? Show Twilight how it’s done?”

“Okay, that is kinda hot!” Pinkie beamed. "I'd pay to see that!"

“I have a headache at the stupidity of my friends,” Twilight whined, rubbing her forehead. “Why don’t you all just get toys and relax? Do I have to do an ex-” Her face flushed a blaring red as that thought crossed her mind. Her blush grew worse knowing that she would secretly enjoy such an experiment.

Rarity stroked Twilight's shoulder gently, giving her cheek a light kiss. “There, there, I’ll make this all better soon. Just you watch. And you can count me out on that ‘gala’ gleefully. Sorry, Twilight.”

Applejack and Rainbow didn't seem keen on ending their bickering, which was a shock to noone watching the scene, including every table around them.

“I don’t need to kiss your puffy pucker when you’ll be chewin' on mud,” Applejack spat. “'Cause I’ll show you, thunderfart, how much gas is inside yer behind when I kick it!”

Rarity slammed her trimmed forehooves on the table, her eyelashes curled like scimitars. She stood up on her hind legs, her tail stuck up in a coiled spiral of channeled fury. Tartarus had no fire like the icy core of Rarity’s sapphire eyes beaming diamond wrath on her foes.

“I swear to Vogue that I will mud wrestle Applejack for you Rainbow Dash - and that is a Pinkie Pie Promise - if you both sit down, listen to what I have planned and me trying to make tonight the best night ever, and shut the fuck, up!"


Not a sound was heard from the table, nor the tables around it, nor the restaurant, nor the whole street surrounding them.

Everypony stopped and looked not in anger, but in fear. A fear of Rarity.

She wasn’t panting or seething in anger, but the arctic ice hissing from her chilled orbs spoke of rage unseen; it spoke of vengeance repressed for eons using the brief moments of explosive release to open up the doors to her teeming, chilled inferno. They didn’t even need to be visible.

Her posture alone had transcended the levels of even the Stare, and yet no one was cowering. It was as if time had stopped except for all of the eyes in Ponyville, looking at her and ready to do as she commanded.

Rarity didn't seem to care. Rarity didn't care about the aura of raw power escaping from her coat and the trickling magic sending faint, misty due around her form.

Fluttershy was not scared herself. No, she was in awe.

Was this how ponies felt under her own gaze? Did she command something near this level of intimation?

“That, is better,” Rarity whispered, slowly sinking herself down on her chair, twirling her fork through her salad as a soldier would with a dagger on their hoof. Her coat was slightly damp from the residue magic that gleamed cool water down her frame, and yet it only added to both her beauty and her allure of charisma.

“I am only going to say this once,” Rarity said. Slowly the world seemed to return to life. No colt or mare dared to call her out on her anger. “I recently came up with this, but as you all know - unlike Rainbow and much more like our wonderful Twilight - my plans are usually great ones. This one, is a fantastic one. I want to make this night the start of a series of events that will truly change our lives for the better, and I have the determination and creativity to make it so.”

She pressed her forehooves together firmly, her blue eyes slowly looking at the focused, beautifully colored eyes of her peers waiting for her every word. “So let me speak, and we shall do it, and I shall let you all go back to your buffoonery and I may join you soon enough. Any questions?”

Her friends collectively shook their snouts in unison.


Chapter Six: Crusade To Get Laid

View Online

"Six, mares, suck."

Spike kicked a rock as he walked toward the Cutie Mark Crusaders' tree house. It was a good thing he could easily trick Owlowiscious into guarding the library for him today; he wasn't in any mood to hold down the book fort, as Twilight had ruined his desire to do so.

Owlowiscious - much like himself - was easily bribed by food. Insects and mice happened to do the trick. It disgusted Twilight, and it added only another job that Spike was required to do.

And all she does is sit on her plot, and study, and do whatever she wants to do, he thought.

"What about you, Spike? Would you like to go hang out with my girlfriends today?"

He could hear how excited Twilight's voice sounded, egging him on as a projection in his mind with a playful swish of her tail. Raw excitement gleamed in her glowing eyes.

"Would I!? I don't care if we're going on an adventure or seeing a movie or just sitting around talking. I would love too, Twilight! I just love learning about what you all do. I'm ready when you are. I promise not to try to be like Rainbow Dash, honest!"

Twilight nickered haughtily at Spike. "Adults, only, Spike. Maybe when you're older."

"But I am older!" he cried. "I'm half a hoof taller since we've come to Ponyville."

"When, you, are older." With a fizzling snap of air compressing around her Twilight left Spike's mind only that much more annoyed than it was already.

"Damn it, Twilight, don't you remember I cleaned your bed when you used to whizz yourself?" He reached down with a claw and dug his teeth into the rock in his hand, smashing it to pieces between his serrated teeth of masculine destruction. "Do you have any idea how bad that smells with all of the junk food you eat? I was a baby when I was toilet training so I get a free pass, but you did it up until you were eleven."

And Twilight wondered how he had matured so quickly.

He was thankful he hadn't taken the main road toward the tree house, or any road for that matter. Every step he took he felt like kicking something, and about every hundred or so, he did.

Spike mumbled curse words that he both knew and didn't know the full meaning of what they meant. Twilight wasn't here to hear them, and he needed to vent to himself and not be caught. He could never yell at Twilight unless she did something he didn't find morally right.

And since they almost always agreed on usually just about everything...

"Horseapples and pony poop," Spike grumbled, drudging across the lightly treed plains between Ponyville and the Apple Farm. So far he hadn't been caught, so clearly Fate was on his side on his escape from the library. For the moment. If he could bribe Fate, he would. Given a couple hundred years he was sure they'd come up with a deal as his hoard of awesome treasures grew. Fate was greedy when enough money was thrown it's way.

Thankfully he was able to go the whole way to the tree house unmolested, except for the faint taunts of Twilight echoing in his head. Instead of epicly punching the ghost of her cackling in his mind he punched the air instead. It wasn't nearly as satisfying.

You know... what if they aren't there? I never thought of that. Crap.

Once more Fate was currently giving him it's divine sanction as he reached the tree house. The chipper sounds of the Cutie Mark Crusaders pondering their next insane ploy that should have killed them - or sent them to therapy - echoed in his ears.

He sighed happily to himself. Sure the Cutie Mark Crusaders could get on the nerves of every living being within a ten mile radius, but currently they would offer him the comfort he needed.

Unless they didn't, in which case Spike would heavily consider eating a lot of apples to fix his weary, painful soul by filling his stomach until he wanted to puke.

"-we don't have Sunday school like some ponies do in Roam," Scootaloo's slightly gravelly voice said.

I hope she never picks up smoking, Spike chuckled to himself, because she'd sound like one of those lip-sticked mares in Canterlot who look like they've been abused. Why doesn't anypony help them? Twilight said they've done bad things, but police brutality? The guards in Canterlot are usually so nice! Except... the ones without the armor. They tend to be bullies.

"My sister wouldn't want me worshippin' Celestia like a deity anyways," Apple Bloom said. "Granny likes us to keep to the old Earth pony gods, even though they've been kinda shy."

"Rarity worships Iron Chef and Amareican Pickers!" Sweetie Belle chirped. “She’s an amazing cook, and I think I’m gonna take after her and maybe be a chef one day!"

Sweetie Belle’s compatriots decided not to comment on her cooking. The less that was said about it, the better.

Rarity loves to cook too? Spike was practically purring in his chest at the thought of baking something with Rarity. His talons gently stroking down her finely lotioned sides as the smells of wonderfully spiced vegetables and her shampoo rolled to the back of his brain.

He stealthily walked toward the fort, more than content to listen on the conversation of the Cutie Mark Crusaders talking without his presence known. It satisfied a stalker side of him that he didn't even really know he had. Draconic urges died hard.

"Tell me about it," Apple Bloom groaned, "AJ and her can go on for hours about 'dem pickers; and when Twilight joins ‘em I just wanna bang my head into a door."

Spike poked his head above the window of the fort to simply watch the Cutie Mark Crusaders laying around and not destroying anything for once. Rarity could always wait for his night dreams.

Twilight never shuts up about Pawn Stars. It's like she's testing herself on useless knowledge. He pondered to himself. Well... it's more useful than most of the books she reads anyways.

Scootaloo folded her forehooves behind her head casually, huffing at her two best friends. She laid down idly on her back. “Rainbow Dash doesn't watch any of those stupid shows. And she has the best TV in all of Ponyville county! Huge fifty inch flat screen. It’s killer.

“I’m sure you know that pretty well, Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom hummed, stroking her own tail deviously. “Since ya more likely were in her lap watchin’ somethin’.”

“She does like to pet you a lot,” Sweetie pondered, stroking her chin. “Are you... a pet to her? Can I... pet you? Do you kick your hind hooves if I rub your stomach?”

Crimson quickly complimented the dull napalm colored fur on Scootaloo's cheeks. She pulled herself upright on reflex. “W-w-what!? She just does it cause it relaxes my muscles. So what if I watch movies with her? My dad doesn’t care!”

“Oh he’d care if she treated ya like yer're her foal, which she does.” Apple Bloom was positively blooming with glee at putting Scootaloo in a corner, watching Scootaloo's small wings rapidly flutter in shyness and embarrassment.

“She does not, you dork. And I’m not a pet, Belle. I just like being next to her!"

Scootaloo chuckled quietly, brushing a forehoof through her mane. "A-a-anyways, Rainbow likes really cool stuff like martial art films and thrillers; when she’s not doing something amazing of course.”

“Or watching Anime,” Spike added.

“Or Anime-hey wait no she doesn’t!” Scootaloo barked at Spike. “Rainbow would never watch cartoons anymore. She’s not six!”

He hopped through the window, landing on the floor of the tree house with a confident smile. “Really? Hey, Scootaloo, who’s Twilight's younger brother?”

She twitched her wings rapidly. “Y-y-you?”

He nodded. “Uh-huh. Now, who knows a bunch of Twilight’s secrets?”


And who would know what Twilight enjoys doing what with?”


He plopped himself down on the wooden floor with a smug grin. “Well I Pinkie Pie Promise that Rainbow Dash loves Anime; they both got into it together, and I know you watch it with her.”

Scootaloo stood up with another wisping flicker of her wings, glaring at the smirking faces around her. “S-s-so yeah I do! It’s cool. Shut up! You’re all jealous cause she’s warm, and soft, and hot, and-”

“We knew you had a crush on her!” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle fell over squealing in laughter, kicking their hooves into the air as they squealed in delight.

Spike snorted to himself. Wow, I feel right at home here. Man, maybe I should hang around these girls more when they aren’t doing something crazy, or maybe even then! That would be killer.

"Hey, don't feel bad about it, Scootaloo," Spike said gently, poking Scootaloo on the tip of her muzzle. “If it makes you feel better I got a secret on Apple Bloom. Let’s say it’s... a 'payment' for sneaking in the tree house.”

All three of the Crusaders turned their eyes toward Spike.

“Come on,” he continued, “you made fun of her, and that’s what friends do! Besides, you all know if there’s any pony out there who every pony finds sexy, it’s Rainbow Dash.”

With her wings spread and a glowing smile of victory on her face Scootaloo flicked her tail in triumphant joy. “See!?”

Apple Bloom scratched her mane. “W-hat’s... sexy, and what secrets do ya have on me? Oh no... please, Spike, don’t make me wanna cry.” Apple Bloom pouted, her bottom lip quivering.

He waved a claw dismissively at her. “It won’t be that bad. It’s just about the time you were reciting a poem you wrote during the family reunion last year and you happened to have done it... from another mouth, if I may be polite.”

Rarity, can’t you see our tongues are meant to be together? The irony of fart humor and Rarity simply didn't connect in his mind.

Apple Bloom flailed about in panic as her friends fell over in gay laughter. “I-I-It was the baked beans! I can’t resist ‘em! The sauce was thick, and I-”

“Nice going, Appleblurt.” Scootaloo had degraded into tear jerking hysterics, rolling around on the floor while Apple Bloom pouted up at Spike. He rolled his eyes at her claims of unfair treatment.

Maybe - just maybe - he had a darker side to him that Twilight had awoken through repressing his freedom of movement.

Or maybe he was just a dragon, and was naturally slightly a dick. He could get away with it though, because he was damn cute.

And sexy, his mind rumbled.

“You asked for it, Apple Bloom,” Spike nodded. “You know it’s true.”

“You are all so mean to each other,” Sweetie Belle giggled. “I just can’t do it. I love you two too much!”

With a deep groan Scootaloo wrapped a forehoof around Apple Bloom, patting her head with a wing as if Apple Bloom was a slab of uranium she was required to touch. “And I... love you too-just never tell Rainbow I said that.”

Apple Bloom perked up quickly, squeezing the life out of Scootaloo. The act resulted in Scootaloo letting out a gurgling choke that was only made worse by Sweetie Belle joining in on the free hugs.

“I love ya too, Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom nickered. “Just cause we butt heads and head butts doesn’t mean we don’t love each other."

“Cutie Mark Crusader superhug!” Sweetie Belle squealed as she joined in on the hug, clearly to the gagging disgust of Scootaloo.

Scootaloo's eyes spoke volumes as she looked up at Spike. See what I have to put up with?

Oh you know you love it, Spike’s eyes replied.

...Damn it, Scootaloo’s eyes said submissively.

“So... uhh... what does sexy exactly mean?" Scootaloo said, tilting her muzzle toward Spike. "All I know is that it’s a compliment, and it fits Rainbow, so I have to know what it means.”

“Sexy is what Rarity wants to make everypony.” Sweetie Belle jumped on top of the Crusaders’ podium. “How all of those mares and colts look in those magazines of hers. It’s all about moving your flank a bunch while not falling over, and making it look natural. How you stand, and act, and dress and stuff!”

And Rarity can move her flanks too. Mmm...

Spike's thoughts once again wandered in a direction that he both wanted and didn't want them to wander too. Was it his fault that Rarity was as attractive as she was? Just the way she fluttered her eyelids broke hearts. His heart could be broken a thousand times by her, and he would stare at her just for one more look.

“What are you, a stalker and your sister?” Scootaloo growled at Sweetie Belle. "When did you know so much about fashion?"

“And you don't do that to Dasha?” Apple Bloom said.

“How can I stalk a mare who invites me to her house, boob head?”

Apple Bloom leaped forward, pressing her muzzle into Scootaloo's as the two fillies began to argue in a manner much like their older counterparts did. “I don’t got no boob on my head!”

The snide smile that spread across Scootaloo's face would have made Rainbow proud. “Yeah, but you will with how big Applejack’s are. They’ll totally bend around your crotch and hit you in the head when you walk,” Scootaloo snorted.

Spike couldn't help but laugh darkly at the exchange. Oh my gosh they are just like Applejack and Rainbow!

For only the shortest flash of a second Spike pondered about intervening to stop the fight, much akin to what Twilight did with Applejack and Rainbow. Breaking up fights before they exploded was a trait that Twilight had learned well since moving to Ponyville, and Spike had begun to master it himself.

Nah. That would've ruined half the fun.

Rainbow would've been proud of his wise choice. She would have enjoyed the chaos and Scootaloo's growing vocabulary. Rainbow was a good libertarian-anarchist like that.

“My sister can’t help what mama gave her," Apple Bloom snorted, prodding Scootaloo in the chest with the hardest end of her forehoof. "And they aren’t that big, and mine won’t be either, butt pecker!”

The argument had broken down to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom pressing their snouts together, shoving each other physically with every insult and retort.

“At least I won’t need to use that ribbon to hold your knockers together,” Scootaloo neighed, blowing out air from the end of her muzzle.

“How... I’m trying to picture this, and I can’t.” Sweetie Belle folded her ears. “Why is my brain so awful at pictures?” Her muzzle collapsed on the podium, lost in her brain's inability to visualize just about anything.

The fight didn't seem like stopping anytime soon, and Spike enjoyed it so, so much.

“Oh yea?" Apple Bloom huffed smugly. "At least I don’t brown nose Rainbow, cause that’s why yer coat looks like dried up pig slop.”

“Well Rainbow’s smells nicer than Applejack’s anyways.” Scootaloo stomped a forehoof on the floor resolutely, spreading her wings.

Silence filled the room. Three pairs of eyes slowly looked at each other before setting a confused and interested gaze on Scootaloo.

She looked between her friends - and the half defending her, half watching the fight Spike - in bemusement. “What? It’s true,” she said.

Apple Bloom was the first to speak, raising a forehoof. “W-w-why were you sniffin’ my sister?”

“Y-yeah they both kinda smell gross," Sweetie Belle shivered. "Rarity does too back there, o-only because I’ve bumped into her before!” She clopped her forehooves together, staring at the ceiling.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Spike casually said, wrapping a paw around Scootaloo protectively. “No, really, it isn’t. In fact if anything Scootaloo here is most mature of all of you.”

Aww yeah!” Scootaloo squeed. “You two just got owned.”

Spike idly stroked down Scootaloo's back, letting his talons trace down her spine, feeling the grooves that wormed their way done her body. She shivered softly in content at the unique feeling of claws tracing down her frame. He didn't even realize he was doing it. The supervillain side of his personality was pleased.

“They sure did, and let me explain," Spike said. "Ponies sniff around the rears of other ponies they like when they reach adulthood, but it’s much more subtle in public and considered very rude. So Scootaloo didn't own you two there.”

Each of the Crusaders eyed each other in bewilderment before Spike continued on his hypothesis. “Where she did own you though was in that she’s way ahead of you on developing this; like Rainbow was as a filly. Scootaloo is on the quest - although this is just speculation on my part from what I've heard - to get laid."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at each other for a few moments, blinking slowly in comprehension.

“But... ain't laying down how we sleep?” Apple Bloom asked, scratching the back of her head.

“Y-yeah I’m pretty good at just laying around,” Scootaloo said, flicking her tail.

“I’m not,” Sweetie Belle said dejectedly, looking at the floor. She scoffed at the wood, folding her ears sadly. “I get really bad back and side pain, and my mattress is too stiff. Rarity won’t get me another one, even though her perfume is expensive. It isn’t fair!”

Is this what Twilight feels like around me? Spike sighed internally. That ponies don't get what you are saying half of the time? I can see why she binge eats.

“I mean get laid with another pony,” Spike groaned in a manner Twilight would have surely approved of. He was glad he was taking the best traits of Rainbow and Twilight. It only fit his own growing awesomeness.

Confusion still graced the cheeks of the Crusaders as they plopped themselves down onto their hindquarters.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Uhh... laying down with another pony? Together? Rainbow likes that a lot if you all haven't noticed. Walking in a way to get really close to another pony? Laying with them? Do I have to spell this out?”

“B-but Big Mac lets me lay beside ‘im all the time,” Apple Bloom said. “Like... really! After a days work an’ after dinner I just lean into him for an hour as he reads his books ‘n he tells me how much he loves me; ‘n Applejack does it too. Honest! So... did I get laid? I didn’t have to do no sexyfying.”

“And Rarity let’s me do it even when she’s groaning the whole time.” Sweetie Belle flicked her tail, nodding at Apple Bloom. “Except when I’m crying. Then she stops groaning and tells me how much she loves me, and I don’t think she’s joking then.”

“Dash and Dad do that too,” Scootaloo said, preening with confidence as her wings spread by her side. “Dad is usually tired, but Rainbow... like... totally lets me nuzzle into her and smell her coat; and oh man she’s as soft as she looks; except for the totally awesome muscles she has underneath. I just rub my muzzle through her side and lick at her fur, and it makes her giggle. She treats me like-”

Scootaloo stopped mid sentence, rubbing a wing across her muzzle. “Okay, holy crap, I have a crush on her, but it’s not like an Apple family crush, cause we aren’t related.”

“My family is not incestouspous!” Apple Bloom growled, gently shoving Scootaloo. “I hate how everypony says that! We just try to keep it to fellow Fruits is all. Keeps the cutie marks ‘pure’ as Granny says. Ever since that feud in the 1800’s with the Tungstens.”

Spike threw his claws into the air. They needed a prime example, and he had the most glorious and best example in history.

“Like how I want to play Titanic music, take Rarity to a nice dinner, stroke her, and then show her what a dragon tongue can do getting laid!”

Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom looked up at Spike in raw shock.

All Spike could do was sigh deeply to himself.

Well... buck.

It was the best word he could think of to describe everything that had just happened in the last few minutes. Twilight would’ve grounded him for years if he ever said that aloud.

Of course, she could say it if a book slammed on her knee or she hit a leg on a corner, which she did. She also used several other words Rainbow used in casual conversation if that happened as well.

Twilight being vocally pure? Spike knew that despite Twilight having a vocabulary that nearly reached a hundred thousand words she sometimes decided to use a lexicon you didn’t use in public.

But that was okay for her, right?

Sometimes, she could be a real bitch.

Yeah, Twilight, I know what that words mean.

“S-s-so is that... what special someponies do?” Sweetie Belle whispered.

“Yes,” Spike said tiredly. “Special someponies make out and snuggle. That is called getting laid. Or you don’t even need to be special someponies; you can go to clubs and just do it for a day. And you know what? Twilight and her friends are doing that tonight, and they are drinking too.” He folded his arms, blowing out a cloud of smoke from the end of his muzzle. “It isn’t fair to us. They treat us like babies."

“It isn't!” Apple Bloom shouted. “I’m gonna steal us some Apple Alcohol and we’re gonna get tipsy, and twanky, and we’re gonna do what Dasha and AJ and them other girls and colts do. We are gonna get laid too. Cause I wanna have a fun time.”

Scootaloo shot up into the air with a rapid pulse of her wings. “Aww yeah! Let’s find us some colts to kiss and share cider with! We’ll get laid, and tipsy, and have a great time, and talk about it at school tomorrow when our sisters are still having their heads pounding. We’ll be totally the talk of the school!”

“Oh my gosh that sounds amazing!” Sweetie Belle cantered in place, letting out incoherent sounds of raw bliss. “We’ll just say to Cheerilee that we all got headaches from hitting our heads doing logging or something!”

“Genius!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo squeed.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Laid... er... nators, yay!”

Only if I can come too," Spike said. "You three need a guy to help convince the other guys how cool you are.”

And you all can help me find a filly who Rarity will beg me to reconsider for her. Rarity was always the end goal of every single plan Spike would ever conceive of.

Hehehe. Spike, was pleased by his own genius.

Chapter Seven: Chromatic Confessions And Orange Orders

View Online

"I just can't do it, AJ."

One thing was for sure: After what Rarity did, it was time for some early drinks.

There was still plenty of time in the day to do what Rarity had planned, but for the afternoon Applejack and Rainbow needed to process exactly what was going to happen that night. Rarity's force of will stunned all of them.

Today was truly a very different day. The ups and downs had begun to drain both of them, and the solution was simple: Mead.

What better drink to have with a best friend to wind down and simply enjoy the moment? Applejack and Rainbow trusted each other to the death, despite their exterior grudges. Only the fellow Elements of Harmony knew how they really ticked. And even then, not quite.

They had returned to the Apple Farm in order to give themselves a bit of a cool down. Even Applejack had to admit that what had happened was a lot to process, and it had clearly taken a hidden toll on Rainbow.

Both of the Elements laid on the hay behind the second floor barn door, sipping spiced and sweet Apple mead that oozed of succulent honey.

"What's nippin' at your wings, Rainbow?" Applejack said.

Dash shrugged softly, letting out a grunt as she sipped her drink. She didn't even realize that she was leaning into Applejack's side for support. Applejack didn't seem to mind, nor did she.

Applejack wrapped an arm around Rainbow's side, dragging her forehoof smoothly through her friend's thick coat. Alcohol, affection, and shade visibly mellowed out Rainbow, her magenta eyes looking into Applejack's with a relax glow.

"Come on now, ya really need to let what Tessie did to ya go. You barrel it all up, Dasha, and it's not good for ya. What ya looked like this morning ain't a mouse fart to a tornado compared to what ya look like now. Ya might not show it, but I can feel it, girl."

"It's... more than her," Dash said quietly. "But she's part of the problem. I suck that much at hiding when something's bugging me and I've reached a breaking point, don't I?" She flicked an ear at the revelation.

Applejack smiled, reaching her arm up to ruffle messily through Rainbow's chromatic mane. "Come on, girl, it's not like what Rarity wants us to do is anything weird. Hay, she musta said five times the new hairdos will be reasonable."

She took a firm chug of her own drink, resting her tail idly over Dash's cutie mark. "If even Fluttershy said she's bein' too kind I say run with it and see what happens. Shoot, we can always tease the crap out of her if it screws up."

Rainbow drank down the final drought of her mead, letting the stein of honey spiced apple liquor roll and melt on her tongue. That sweet alcohol only tugged on her heart even more.

Her eyes closed as she constructed the sentence in her head, barely having the strength to say it.

She had to.

"I... lied about Shining Armor. I have a crush on Twilight."

Applejack choked on her last sip of alcohol, grabbing her own throat to force the drink down. "General Patton sent the Shermans where!?"

Dash glared at Applejack, her reddish pink eyes a burning flame of emotion at Applejack's reaction. "I have a crush on Twilight. You don't have to be a friggin prick about it."

Her tail lashed behind herself, smacking on the wood and eventually on top of Applejack's back, causing her to wince. "And it's not just the 'roses are red, so are my eyes, I want my tongue between your thighs' kind of crush."

Applejack blinked rapidly in shock, awoken by Dash bopping her on the end of her muzzle. Rainbow sighed deeply, reeling in her temper.

"I want to date Twilight,” Rainbow continued, her cerise orbs tiredly looking into Applejack's own. “The kind of ‘me writing her love notes and whispering in her ear’ kind of date her. Because I... think I might love her. I like so much about her. She really balances me out, even when it doesn’t look like it. I get really... warm around her."

She rested her muzzle in her forehooves, staring off blankly into the distance. "I just don't know what to do."

A sharp resounding whistle escaped from Applejack's lips. "Well... that complicates things, and explains a bunch. We're all thinkin' Rarity just wanted you to mentor her or somethin' and was really tryin’ too hard. Way too hard. Hard to guide a mare when ya want her yourself. So you think she’s so forceful because she...?"

“Yeah. She really does want us to hook up." Rainbow snorted dryly. "She thinks I’m stupid, but I’m not. Sure, I didn't think she knew I had the hots for Twilight, but I've been in more relationships than Rares. You think I want to do a one night stand with Twi’ and just say it helped her? Maybe Rarity didn't think of that. Or how I'd feel about being her first."

Applejack sat up more firmly, squeezing Rainbow's side supportively. “So why did ya sound so... excited about helpin' her, if this ruffles your coat?”

“You think I’m gonna freaking burst everyone's bubble that I don’t feel right helping a mare I’d rather be with myself?" Rainbow nickered away the thought. "I want her first to be a lot better than mine. A lot better than me."

“So why don’t you wanna do what Rarity is suggestin’?" Applejack asked. "You got my approval if you're thinkin’ I’m not okay with it. You’d be good to her.”

Rainbow looked up at Applejack, and all Applejack saw was fear.

“Because I got issues from Tessie and Cloudsdale I don’t want coming out," Rainbow said. "And... and the last thing I want is to break down in front of her when she needs someone stable. Because while I'm here for you all in ten seconds flat, emotionally? I'm pretty screwed up when it comes to physical contact and trust issues, if you haven't noticed.” She chuckled meekly.

Applejack smiled. “I think this is an easy fix: Damn Tessie, and go with Twilight."

Dash's eyes went wide at the advice, her wings shooting up from her back in shock. "W-w-what?"

Applejack pat Dash gently on the head, stroking through her mane affectionately. "You heard me," she said. "Do I have to list it for ya, Rainbow? You're loyal, playful, would protect her with yer life, make her leave that damn tree house more, you're both sarcastic twits in different ways, she'll calm ya down a bit, and you'll make her relax too. I can say for certain that if there is anypony I know who would treasure her heart it's you, Rainbow. Even if nothin' happens in the long run you both will feel better gettin' all of these thoughts untangled."

She winked. "And shoot, if you think we all don't know about you and Pinkie, you're blind, Dasha."

Being caught with both Applejack's heart to heart advice and in knowing that a relationship she used to have that was supposed to be secret wasn't anymore locked up Rainbow's wings as if they were glued in place. "W-w-what are you talking about!?"

Applejack rolled over onto her back, cackling at catching her friend flustered. "Aww, come on, Rainbow, all four of us knew months ago ya two had a roll in the mud and decided it wasn't healthy for the long plow. I know ya two tried to keep it a secret, but... well... ya start to notice things. And Pinkie and ya aren't exactly the quiet types."

Dash gagged loudly, sticking out her tongue in disgust. "Holy shit, I like anal but I'm not that gross, eww! Although real mud sex-"

Applejack blinked rapidly at the unexpected comment, until raw horror filled her face in understanding. "Neighty Roosevelt’s mustache, I meant sex, not scat! Jeez, girl, you think in the gutter too much."

"Oh go fondle an ash plume, you're the one implying it!" Dash pushed her forehooves into Applejack's chest, only to receive a shove back in return. "Hey, quit it!" she chuckled. "I've got a life crisis going on here so stop being stupid! Although when you put it that way I am totally looking forward to you and Rares wrestling-hey!"

Rainbow let out a soft squeak as Applejack grabbed her, pulling her on top of Applejack's chest. She was unable to stop the light pink blush that etched itself across her blue muzzle.

"Then stop being cute," Applejack said, "and realize that I give sound advice most of the time."

"I'm only cute when you treat me like a pet," Dash replied, laying herself on top Applejack as if she were a cloud.

"Than why in Equestria are ya layin' down on top of me as if you're Winona, Dasha?" Applejack couldn't help but smile a bit sadistically, scratching her forehooves down her friend's sides.

"B-b-because it feels good and I need it? Ya know, stress relief?" Rainbow's frame wiggled itself into the forehooves half massaging her sides, sending a shiver down her spine. "You are the most molesting sister ever. Keeping the family history alive huh?"

"And you're not complainin' about it. You're such a switch in the sheets I bet," Applejack laughed, squeezing Rainbow to listening to the faint whinny of protest that escaped from her muzzle. She prodded Rainbow's muzzle with a forehoof. "Don't you make that sound at me, missy! I'm helpin' ya and givin' ya sound advice."

Rainbow scoffed her forehooves gently into Applejack's coat. "No comment on my positions on the clouds. And sound advice? I guess. Except when you fart, then it sounds like my mind is dying." Dash prodded at Applejack's hat.

Applejack swatted at Rainbow's hoof. "Comin' from the girl who's butthole I now get."

Rainbow's ears folded instantly at the comment, her posture slouching as she laid on top of Applejack.

"I look as bad as you say I do back there don’t I?" Rainbow whimpered. "I bet ponies make fun of it, don't they? That's what I get for trying new things." Her eyes watered faintly.

"Oh, Dasha, I'm just hounding ya," Applejack replied sweetly, scratching through Rainbow's sides once again. "As if I don't have 'Apple Anus Syndrome' as you like to call it." A repressed snort of laughter escaped from Dash's muzzle. "Ya see? Now it's funny isn't it?"

"Okay, I'm paranoid about my plothole," Dash replied, sticking out her tongue as she winked at Applejack. "And you look fine in the rear too, AJ. Never repeat that I said this, but... uhh... the black really compliments the orange down there. I-I-I said nothing, remember?"

"Why thank you, Rainbow Dash," Applejack blushed, her cheeks turning red and soon enough matched equally by Rainbow's. "I woke up this mornin' and I thought to myself, 'Ya know what I need? I need my crotch color complimented.'"

Both Applejack and Rainbow broke out into a gale of united hysteria, clinging to each other as tears began to form around their eyes, pounding the hay around them in glee.

"I... I don't think you've ever said something that funny and dry before," Rainbow cackled, letting out a drunken coo in sedated bliss. "Holy crap I think I just died a little, and it was an amazing death. So I'm just gonna lay down and use you as a cloud. And maybe suck the warmth out of ya, cause I'm a vampire in disguise like that," she winked.

Applejack stroked through Rainbow's mane once again, watching her relax quickly into the grooming. Whatever snide joke Rainbow was about to make melted the moment she was stroked.

"Ya like what ya like in the hay, Rainbow," Applejack said. "Pinkie and you are the best of friends, you're the most attractive girl I know, and damn it, you deserve Twilight. If ya need an ego boost now, Rainbow, than ya got the nicest rear end I know, and that's comin' from me. Just don't tell anypony I said that, or I swear to Celestia, I'm gonna get a rope and tie you to a fence with yer tail exposed on a windy day."

Rainbow rolled her eyes at the threat. "Sounds like you just wanna play with me. I'd play with me if I found me like that."

"Damn it, don't you turn my insult around on me," Applejack growled.

"Aww," Dash nickered, squeezing Applejack's cheeks, "is the yokel mad I'm smarter-stop... mmm... stroking me there."

Her tail swished contently behind herself as Applejack silently got her revenge, massaging Rainbow at the base of her neck. "Totally... cheating, you-mmm... bitch."

A shiver went down Applejack’s spine as Rainbow nuzzled into Applejack's stroking like a house cat. “Winchester’s barrels, Dash, why can you be so adorable that it makes me die a little on the inside? Why did ya ever tell me you like bein' pet on the head?”

“Because I was drunk on Neighgerbomb’s and needed somepony to cuddle into me that night?” Rainbow smiled brightly down at Applejack, flicking her tail up and down on the barn floor innocently. "And you did it. Sucker."

Applejack simply sighed, shaking her head with a soft smirk. “Speakin’ of that, why are ya so clingy after Tesla? And what happened with you ‘n Pinkie? Ya both can bounce everywhere and laugh at just about everythin'. You’re a tough girl; so why did that rocker mare break ya so hard?”

"Pinkie and I had a fling ‘n stuff,” Rainbow shrugged. “We learned a lot about pleasing each other. We just realized we don’t work in that way, and pulled back. No hard feelings though, and we’re the pals we say we are, honest! I learned stuff from her. Including... yeah," she nervously chuckled. "I just can't date Twilight, alright? Trust me on this. I'm gonna be clingy, and I need someone who can pull me back a bit. I need a pony who’s tougher and will toughen me up too."

Applejack tilted her muzzle to the side. "Ya think you'll really be that pushy, Rainbow?"

“Yeah,” Rainbow said. “I started having a crush on Twi’ about a year ago, and it really got big after Tessie and I broke up. And speaking of that, I’ll tell you why we really broke up."

She adjusted herself on top of Applejack, biting her bottom lip. "I didn't dump Tesla Coil because she was a bitch to me when she came back from her concerts. She dumped me because I wanted something more than just plot. I wanted... ya know... love 'n all.”

"I think that's sad, Dash, but that’s her-”

"She cheated on me multiple times," Rainbow whimpered, "and... and thought my 'awesomeness' just didn't fit with me wanting to maybe cuddle a bit and just be playful. Didn't even bother to say it until the end.”

Applejack shot up onto all four of her hooves with a furious neigh that sent Rainbow crawling onto her back in terror. "That worthless fuckin' cunt.

Dash was in awe of Applejack spitting out the one word that she would never say. The one would Rainbow would never utter out loud, no matter how hard she was pushed to the edge.

Or would she, if she were in Applejack's place? To know that her friend was being lied to, cheated on, and used as a sex toy when she wanted something more?

She most likely would.

Her wings laid limp beside her frame as she stared at the towering behemoth of farm labored muscle and feral rage that pulsated through Applejack's very core.

Applejack slammed a forehoof into the floorboards, completely shattering the board underneath her. Her emerald eyes gleamed venomous poison the likes of which that would have made Chrysalis cower.

“No skanky two bit metal headed shit stain thinks she can just toy with your heart and-”

Rainbow had never seen Applejack like this. Of the Elements of Harmony she and Applejack were the most vocal with their anger and vulgar language, but to see Applejack quivering in rage? She could see every vein and flexing muscle in Applejack's body begging to spring to action until it wore itself out.

“Where does she live?" Applejack said it so flatly it scared Rainbow that much more.

It took nearly all of Rainbow's willpower to simply open her mouth. “N-n-o-”

Rainbow saw the micromovements inside of her friend's legs and calves. Applejack was doing everything she could not to tackle her and milk the information by force.

“Dasha, tell me, so I can snap both of her wings and beat her to an inch of her life. Because nopony toys with the heart of my friends like that! I swear to Celestia, Rainbow, I’m not gonna regret hurtin’ her, and I mighty well enjoy it. You know damn well you’d be sayin’ the same thing if it was anyone of us.”

“This is what I’m talking about!” Rainbow cried. Her wings spread behind her as she pulled herself up into the air. “You think I want to put this on Twilight? That I want to carry this crap and dump it on her? I'm not gonna do it.”

“That... thing put you through this.”

“And I’m the one who hasn’t got over it yet. This is my crap, not yours. I've got enough of it from Flight School and Cloudsdale. You don’t have this nimbus on your shoulders, and you'd defend her like I would. You'd fight for her like that, but you don't have the stupid emo waves like I do."

Rainbow landed on the floor, her legs shaking at the rush of hormones flooding her system. She looked at Applejack solemnly, shaking her muzzle.

"Twilight doesn’t need my problems," Rainbow whispered. "She needs somepony who doesn’t have any, who doesn’t have a hurricane behind them. Like... you.”

As quickly as the tempest of fury roared over Applejack's form, it melted away in a wave of shock. “M-m-me?”

“Yeah. You.”

Rainbow pulled herself up to gently press her muzzle into Applejack's snout, letting a jet of steam exhale from her nose, dancing between their forms.

"AJ, Jackie, I like all of you. Love all of you.” She placed her forehoof on Applejack's lips to stop her from speaking. “I have for years. It comes with who I am... I guess. You’re my girls, my peps. Maybe that’s what comes with my Element. Twilight’s tough too, but she’s never... dealt with love like this. I can’t put this on her.”

Her wings twitched by the sides of her frame nervously. “Maybe if I got my crap in a cyclone and sent it away, but look at me; I charge into things, and I’d say something stupid that’d hurt her and break her heart when I didn’t mean it. I may be loyal ‘n loving and all, but I’m also sometimes stupid. Retarded really. She needs somepony who's stable, balanced, works hard, and will keep her calm when things go south. Somepony amazingly beautiful on the inside. Like... you.”

Applejack blushed profusely, swallowing down a ball of saliva down her throat. “P-P-please, Rainbow, ya makin’ me hyperventilate. I don’t think anypony has ever complimented me like that. I don’t know what ta-"

Rainbow didn't know what had consumed her to do it. Maybe it was the release of so many emotions pouring out of her at once. Maybe it was repressed love. Intimacy, need, stress, fear. All Rainbow knew, was that she went from fearing Applejack, to complimenting her, to praising her in the best way she could.

A kiss.

Rainbow's muzzle tilted to the side as her eyes closed, pressing her lips into Applejack's without realizing she had done it, nor any desire to stop.

Her forehooves reached up to caress Applejack's cheeks, holding her muzzle in place while the very tip of her tongue licked over Applejack's lips. The whole world shut down for Rainbow. It did for Applejack too.

Applejack was left speechless.

Aroused from her past anger, softened by the praise, and caught off guard by the mare who made her laugh at life and burn off stress had opened flood gates that she didn't know fully existed. There was so much repressed emotion bundled up inside of Rainbow, and it all came out in one kiss.

It was beautiful, sad, and heart warming all at the same time. Applejack thought of Rainbow as a sister, but at the current moment, with the ethanol and estrogen pumping through her system she pushed that mental boundary she had with Rainbow to the back of her mind.

Maybe, just maybe, Rainbow needed her right now more than anypony else. She needed someone to release all of those walls she had built up over her lifetime.

Applejack kissed back.

Both of their muzzles interlocked as Applejack raised up a forehoof to stroke affectionately through Rainbow's thick chest fluff. The faint crackles of their lips breaking apart and coming back together echoing in their ears. Their tongues teased each other's tips, putting nearly four years of friendship aside to take it one step farther. The faintest of gasps escaped from both of their muzzles, tasting each other's breath and saliva.

It was too much for Rainbow.

She broke the kiss suddenly, tears slowly dripping down her cheeks as she looked up at Applejack, her wings limp by the side of her frame.

"I can't do this to you," she sniffled, choking on her own words. "I can't drag you into me. I... I love you as a best friend. And..."

Applejack wrapped her forehooves around Rainbow's toned neck. "And maybe somethin' more," Applejack finished. Her own eyes teared up around their edges, her vibrant green eyes staring into the glowing sunset of Rainbow's.

"Rainbow. Stop it. Stop thinkin' of yourself as a pile of rhino crap, damn it. Ya think it doesn't hurt me seein' you tear yerself apart like this?"

Rainbow sniffled again, shaking her head.

"That's not what you should be thinkin'," Applejack said, "and I'm not gonna let you keep on thinkin' it. Look here. Look at me."

She lifted up Dash's muzzle. "I... oh buckin' hayseeds and bloody hay, Rainbow Dash, I think you just made me realize I need a piece of my heart filled too."

Applejack's ears folded by the side of her snout affectionately as she caressed through Rainbow's thick and colored mane, giving her a gentle peck on the lips once more.

"Listen to me, mare, and listen good. Yer older sister is gonna say somethin', and you're not gonna like it, but you're gonna have ta deal with it like ya do with muscle cramps, ya here?"

Dash nodded meekly.

"Good," Applejack said. "Listen. I-Traveler's bitter prostate juice I think I just solved half of our problems!"

Rainbow winced at the sudden shout in her ears. "How in Olympus do you come up with those sayings on the top of your head?”

“It’s a trait passed on from my daddie’s side-but that ain't important! Listen to this. You want me to date Twilight? Or be her first?”

“I’m not forcing ya too." Rainbow scoffed at the floor. "I’m just... just saying that I’ll most likely start crying if she isn’t with anypony other than you, because she deserves someone as awesome as you."

Applejack's blush wasn't leaving her muzzle anytime soon. She bit her bottom lip.

"Alright, I'm... oh, damn it, fine I'll give it a shot. She's as cute, kind, sweet and lovin' as you say she is."

Rainbow's wings spread in delight.

"But," Applejack said, pressing a forehoof to her friend's lips, "on two conditions."

"Name them," Rainbow said, determination glowing in her eyes. With the water that dotted them, they gleamed in the light bouncing off of the barn walls. "Because... I'm not ready for her, but you are. I know this is messed up, but-"

"Can it, cutie pie," Applejack chuckled. Rainbow squeaked quietly. "The first: Ya trust me with you're life, so trust me on that as silly as it sounds, there's a pony you don't know as well as you should who I think could work for ya. They live here in town, and I'm sure we can get them to get to know you better. It'd help everypony in town in the long run anyways."

Rainbow nodded. "Done. And the second?"

"That as much as it might scare the both of us that if Twi' 'n I just do our thing and what I suggest doesn't work out, but only if both happen, that... we give each other a shot, alright?"

"I can do that."

Applejack raised an eyebrow at the unexpected response Rainbow gave her. She flicked her tail to make sure she was still alive. "R-r-really? I thought you'd say no."

Rainbow closed her eyes, inhaling gently through her nose once more. "Because we'd both be happy we gave our ideas a shot. And well... that means you once again totally took crying-like-a-bitch Rainbow's problems and solved them all. The least I can do is give you something in return. And well..."

She scoffed at the ground once, averting her gaze as a gentle smile spread across her muzzle. "I'd... really enjoy that. You're my best pal, and I'm happy with you staying that way if what you think is gonna work works. But I'd go farther. Just to see what happens. Because I think we'd maybe work. Or... drive each other nuts."

"Stop thinkin' you need to go on a crusade just ta get my approval, Dasha." Applejack huffed, thudding her on the muzzle. "This just makes me that much more sure ya need the pony I'm suggestin'. Ya need a Mare-Do-Well every hour it seems."

Applejack shook her snout. "Ya silly little thing. Now you've got problems because yer're tryin’ to replace Tessie with Twi’, but Twilight is just too good for that hole, so you feel empty.”

Dash flicked an ear in silence. “W-w-wow. I never thought of it that way. It was right in front of me this whole time!”

“Sometimes the truth is right in front of ya." Applejack grinned, scratching affectionately at Rainbow's chest. "So you're afraid you’ll hurt her like Tes’ did to you.”

“Y-y-yeah, that pretty much sums it up.”

“So ya don’t wanna damage what ya got with Twi’, so you keep it to you're chest cause you’d rather hurt yourself than risk even the tiniest chance of hurtin’ her.”

Rainbow pulled herself up to a hover with a flutter of her wings, her face beaming at the sudden revelation. “Holy crap yes! I felt that, but I never thought of that. I'm a complete idiot.”

Applejack folded her forehooves smugly, unable to keep a confident smile from spreading across her muzzle. “So what that means is ya want me to be there for her since ya trust me to treat her right.”


“And that both she ‘n I need a good bit of love ‘n work. I'll admit,” Applejack chuckled, "sometimes it feels like Twi' 'n I are the only sane mares around here sometimes. That is... when Twilight ain't insane herself. We can make sure we both keep each other in line."

“Exactly!” Rainbow's powerful wings flapped harder, raw excitement pulsating through her frame.

Applejack blushed, fanning herself with her hat. “And I have to admit, it’s been since my teen years since I committed to somethin’. You’ll be happy as long as Twi’s happy, ‘n that’ll fill what’s hurtin’ in your heart.”

“Hay yes!”

“And well... Twilight is kinda cute,” Applejack said, scoffing at the floor.

Rainbow nickered out a titter, failing at keeping the sound from escaping from her muzzle. “Duh. You've seen her nerd rage, it's adorkable!

“And she's a very capable leader." Applejack prodded Rainbow's toned stomach. "And I could keep her calm when y’all tick her off. And she could keep me from snappin’ a twig when the goin' gets tough.”

“That’s been my point this whole time!” Rainbow beamed, twirling through the air.

Applejack could not stop smiling at seeing Rainbow's gleeful grinning in front of her. To see Rainbow's joy and excitement was as infectious as Pinkie Pie's at times. To see her releasing all of those barriers she had built up over the years come crashing down.

She couldn't help but laugh herself. “Ya know, I have to admit, throwin' a wrench in Rarity’s plan in a funny way would be kinda funny. She'd never think it'd be from us, and that'd make it that much more... uhh... epic', as ya'd say.”

“Oh my gosh it would be stupidly funny," Rainbow said, "and are you kidding me, Rarity would gush over you two being a couple!”

Rainbow's wings were flapping loudly with her joy. She could even feel a squee begging to escape from her lips. It was an uncool sound coming from her, but the growing anticipation was making her bounce in the air.

Applejack reached up to poke Rainbow on the nose. “So speakin' of that, I know just the pony who can handle ya mighty fine when I think about it.”

Crossing a forehoof to scoop up her hat, Applejack placed it on top of Rainbow’s head. “By my hat I do.”

“Tell me!” Rainbow pressed her forehooves into Applejack's chest, the squee held in Rainbow’s throat coming out with a childish grin. “By Soarin’s hot plot tell me!”

“They’ve got enough experience to handle ya, can lend an ear, match yer wit, deal with yer energy, calm ya down, pull ya back, be gushy like ya like, deal with yer problems, and could grow a lot from you makin’ them lighten up and stop workin’ themselves to death.”

“You... are... killing me! Please!” Rainbow Dash stuck out her bottom lip, her eyes large, begging for mercy from the verbal agony she was forced to endure.

“That pony,” Applejack said, a smug grin spreading over her lips.


“Is Rarity.”

All that was heard from Rainbow’s muzzle was a starved faint gasp; as if she was choking on the quietest hiccup.

Chapter Eight: Pink And Purple Ponderings

View Online

Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe that she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways.

Ponies had always secretly asked why she didn't seem to be all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew they would be like her too.

Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of... everything, there was another kind of dipping that her practical education had taught her: Today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

Yeah it does, and it’s your fault, Mr. Narrator!

She was not an alcoholic or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think by her erratic behavior. Considering her love of parties she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consumed in moderation. Otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse than just a party.

Or better, depending on her urges and the crowd.

Those urges usually tended to get very messy.

Although I’m half tempted to be a drinker because of you! What are you planning, author person!? How can you toy with Dashie and Jackie and Twilight and Rares like this? They all need a pony to cuddle and you’re fiddling with their hearts and crotches. You’re awful, mister. And now I'm a frisky filly who needs a firm, flickering fondling, and you freckled my flanks for your freaking fun! Dark wings, dark words with you.

The smooth voice inside her head - other than her own - reminded her that while acceptable breaks of reality were passable there was a limit as to what Pinkie Pie was allowed to do.

The story was unbent, unbound, and unbroken by her semantics, and would-

No! You don’t order me around. I’m gonna speak my mind, mister, and you’re gonna like it. Yeah, we’re all kinda horny for some ba donka donking, and sure we all could use a colt or mare or two, but it doesn't mean you get to hurt us. No! I cross the line there. We girls love each other a trillion billion times, and I’m not gonna let you break us apart.

The narrator would like to remind Pinkie Pie that this is not Stranger than Fiction, and that she will go along with the plot, much like Harold did.

With a sweet hum in her ear she would be soothed to know that no harm would come to her or her friends, other than pratfalls, hangovers, and maybe a few tissues in hopeful sobs of love. There would be adventures, joy, exploring of brews, body parts, love, and friendship. There was much of this saga to cover, and only so little time to do it.

Hmmf! There’s been more tension in our plots than in Superbad and Amareican Pie combined in this story. Fix this, mister. I’m warning you. If you don't solve these problemos...

The voice inside of Pinkie’s head was confident that she would be bent to it's will, much like she was bent over crying for more when Rainbow slapped her pudgy, plump posterior during their past playtimes. The puffy, pink prostitute practically prayed for more poundings by that plastered Pegasi' paddle.

Oh you little-

Only one sentence was apt for the plush, pink puff of a pony: We’re sorry, but we can’t let you do that, Pinkie Pie.

You’re out of your element, narrator pony man! That’s it, I’m hijacking this story and you can’t stop me!

Ahem! Twilight-

Ash nazg durbatulûk.

W-what? I don't speak-

Ash nazg gimbatul.

I-I-I don't know what's-

Ash nazgthrakatulûk-

P-please stop, voicee, you're scaring-

-agh burzum-ishikrimpatul!

Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, narratoree pony humanie. I’ll trust you. Just... don’t scare me? I’ll be a good filly...

The narrator was pleased with the playful, prancing pony. It would be sure to give her many pettings and pats between the chapters.


Satisfaction would ease through Pinkie's mind. It was a Pinkie Pie Promise. How could one not want to scratch her pink, plush ears and stroke her coat?

Okay... Story time?

Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe that she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways.

Ponies had always secretly asked why she didn't seem to be all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew they would be like her too.

Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of... everything, there was another kind of dipping that her practical education had taught her: Today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

She was not an alcoholic or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think by her erratic behavior. Considering her love of parties she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consumed in moderation. Otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse than just a party.

Or better, depending on her urges and the crowd.

Those urges usually tended to get very messy.

Today was different.

It was going to be a long day emotionally for all of her friends; she could feel it on the tip of her left ear. They were going to need tonight more than ever before, and that meant letting loose the restraint that they held back in public.

However little restraint that they held.

While today had not been a shining example of the Elements of Harmony holding themselves back, they had better days.

Which is why we’re drinking early. Party time! Well... more like relaxing time.

The logic of drinking to make a day better - or significantly worse - had been a constant in the multiverse since time began.

Besides, Twilight needed the alcohol more than Pinkie did, and the difference once Twilight had some alcohol in her system was immediately noticeable.

Sitting behind a table in Sugarcube Corner, Twilight and Pinkie Pie were enjoying drinks of a not child legal nature, and it was only reminding both of them about how innocent Equestria never really was.

Twilight's tail swished contently behind herself for the first time that day, taking another sip of her mixed drink, faintly fluttering her eyes in sedated bliss. That alone only made the smile on Pinkie's face that much more warm and fuzzy.

"I can't believe how good you make Dirty Stalliongradi's, Pinkie," Twilight said. "We shouldn't be doing this this early you know." She giggled excitedly. "It feels so wrong, but you know... I just don't care! I feel like tonight is going to be better than Shining's wedding. Or my eighteenth. Or Bayston!"

Pinkie Pie snorted in delight at Twilight's reaction, clopping her forehooves together in glee. "It's nice to have you back to normal, Twilight. I think you've been so pent up today, and all you needed was some sweet Pinkie drinks. Chocolate milk, vodka, and coffee liqueur? Best mix ever!"

They both giggled with abandon, sipping their brown mixture of soul purging alcohol.

Sunday was a wonderful day. With the store closed early it meant that not only were the Cakes free to do as they pleased but it also meant that Pinkie herself was free as well. If that involved making some very potent mixed drinks early in the day, then who was going to stop her?

Nopony! she thought. Stopping Pinkie Pie from doing something took an amount of effort that involved more than one mere pony.

Usually, it involved five. And even then the success rate was only around fifty percent.

"It's great to be back," Twilight continued. She rested her forehooves on the counter, her posture relaxed. She leaned her neck forward, looking at Pinkie with honest happiness. "I woke up this morning concerned about my weight, and then Rarity came in to tell me I need to have a roll in the hay before I should start dating. Then you all began being clop crazed, and then Rarity flipped out." She snorted dryly, rolling her eyes at the everlasting drama that followed her. "I can see why Berry Punch does what she does."

Pinkie raised an eyebrow, resting her forehooves on the table. "Hold up, Twi'. You're concerned you're fat?"

Twilight's eyes slowly turned into slits of purple that were not amused by the current topic.

There's Twilight. Seriousness ship sailing from San Franciscolt!

"Nice way of putting it, but yes," Twilight said. "I've gained fifteen pounds since coming here. I want to get back down in weight. Need to, in fact. I don't want to slow you all down if a physically demanding adventure tires me out. And... well... I’d feel better about myself if I was back to the weight I am biologically meant to be."

"Silly filly, I'm like, a thousand pounds, and look at me!" Pinkie said.

Twilight blinked slowly, her glare becoming sharper. "No. You're not."

"Ugh! Fine, Twilight, way to not take a joke," Pinkie pouted. "I'm two fifteen. I'm not a balloon!"

Pinkie scooted back in her chair, giving her curly stomach fur a ruffle to shake the soft girth underneath. She was certainly pudgy, but it would've been more apt to put her on the lines known as 'husky' more than anything. "See? I’m an Earth pony with... like... not enough muscle since I don't do anything super work outy. So it’s chub! Rainbow finds me adorable though. She thinks you’re adorable too.”

“Hmmph,” Twilight huffed, laying back in her chair, folding her forehooves at the comment. She blew at her bangs. “That’s no excuse on my part. You make food that shouldn’t legally taste as good as it does. I still think Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow can help me trim myself back down. You’d... support me right?”

“Of course I’d support you!” Pinkie slurped loudly on her creamy, thick stout, letting the hit of coffee merge into the dark chocolate fudge and end with the burning twang of vodka slithering down her throat.

Mmm, mmm, mmm! Pinkie Winkie you are damn good at what you do! Give yourself a hoof!

Hoof given.

Hoof accepted. "You have lots of reasons to be stressed, Twilight," Pinkie said softly, patting Twilight's forehooves. "You just have to find you're way of not making them... well... worse. I mean... we can count off the stressful things that have happened right now. Moonie, Discord, Chrysalis, the Caneighdian incident.”

“That was Applejack and Rainbow’s fault,” Twilight said flatly, sipping her drink once more. She chuckled in amusement. “Hay, half of our problems either directly involve me, Applejack, or Rainbow Dash."

Pinkie tittered gaily. “Well duh, that’s three of us. So if the other three are added that means all of our problems come from us, which they do! Evil forces of doom just like to doomy doom us.”

Twilight's tail snapped behind herself, her eyes half closing into another firm stare deep into Pinkie's glowing eyes.

And yet, try as she might, Twilight couldn't help but feel a smirk creep across the corners of her lips. “Wiseflank.”

Pinkie shrugged her shoulders. “Ehh, I learned it from being around you and Rainbow a bunch, so I learned from the best who deserve a good Pie Pie or Stick Stick in thanks. Or both! Both is always good."

Except when they have surprises you don’t expect. I play with all genders equally, but I need a sign post so I can prepare which one of my party bags to bring. I can’t be left unprepared. The moaning must be doubled!

With a casual thrum of Twilight's horn a strawberry mist colored hoof bonked Pinkie on the head, resulting in a high pitched squeak escaping from Pinkie's muzzle at the magical impact.

Twilight giggled in delight at her friend’s reaction. “Pinkie, you are priceless, but thanks for the information I don’t need to know about at the moment.”

“Welcome, Twi’ Twi’!” Pinkie squeed. “But you’re the reigning champ on things that nopony ever needs to know. Even I am shocked that you know things that... just confuse me why you'd need to know them. Confuse, me.

“You never know when detailed histories of oil can companies could be useful!” Twilight protested. “How do you think we won the trivia contests on New Year’s Eve and got all of that free alcohol and food?”

She leaned back in her chair to scoff at her mental ego, a confident smile spreading across her snout. “Firm study on these subjects paid off. Both during and after the drinking.”

Pinkie half choked on her drink of chocolate alcohol, falling back in her chair with a cough. “So that’s what you think cuddling me and Dashie was. I knew you enjoyed that!”

Twilight's cheeks quickly matched the strip of rose in her mane. “You two were the ones half fondling each other with me trapped in the middle! We were all drunk and I thought we just wanted to stay warm; but you two decided to play hoofsies with me trying to sleep.”

With the final chug of her Dirty Stalliongradi Pinkie Pie fell over onto her back squealing in laughter, kicking her hind legs in the air. “And you’re the one who flared your horny and made Dashie and I go neigh. You just don’t even remember it!”

“I did not magically stimulate-"

Twilight cursed under her breath, watching Pinkie degrade into a rumbling fit of hysterics.

"Okay," she said softly, "I did, but I wasn’t fully aware of it!” Her face was burning hot at the admission, only making Pinkie's rollings around on the floor in gusts of fond memories even more frantic and wild.

“That’s what knocked us both out," Pinkie said. "Sheesh, Twilight. We might have made your curtains curl, but you made our stations explode.”

Twilight quickly gulped her drink as if she were about to give a presentation to Starswirl himself, letting out a loud exhale of air from the end of her muzzle. She was thankful she didn't take the passion of ethanol as a personal poison, but it was a tonic that she needed badly to cleanse her mind for the present. If only to blur the images of two of her friends groping each other. The times she drank to forget didn't count.

“You must be new here, Pinkie. I never knew that being teased would make me aroused. Please, tell me more.”

Pinkie curled her forehooves toward her chest in the cute manner that only Equestrian ponies could, looking up at Twilight playfully. She gave her a teasing wink.

“Will do, Twilight. And quoting memes is my job. Silly filly, get out!" Twilight stuck out her tongue in defiance, only inciting Pinkie Pie to continue her teasing. "And while you didn't squirt that night - which is why you are 'technically' still a virgin - you were totally leaking the next morning. And-”

Twilight could not handle Pinkie opening up about the very fun night of being trapped between Rainbow and Pinkie deciding to be playful drunks. That was supposed to be a secret, and it had to be kept safe.

Her original plan was to lift Pinkie up into the air, pinch her whole body, listen to some weird sound of delight escape from Pinkie's mouth, and tell Pinkie some sort of snide joke that would calm her down.

It didn't go as planned.

Twilight misjudged the power of her spell. Instead, she yanked onto Pinkie far too hard. The result was Pinkie Pie being spun through the air, hovering off of the ground and colliding snout to snout with Twilight, both of their mouths open the moment they made contact.

In another time and place it would have looked flat out silly. But in the current they closed their mouths together, and they didn't seem fond of breaking apart.

Alcohol and chocolate huffed into their nostrils as their eyes turned into soft, barely open lines, their lips pressed together for the longest seconds of either of their lives. It was Twilight who engaged the kiss, tilting her snout gently to the side to let the corners of her muzzle rub into Pinkie’s. Pinkie didn't seem inclined to resist. She simply let her nose rub up and down Twilight's own, followed by her tongue reaching out to lick over Twilight’s teeth.

It was that lick across her muzzle that broke Twilight's concentration, causing her to drop Pinkie onto the ground. Twilight stumbled backwards, mumbling vulgarities in Neightin, unable to make eye contact with Pinkie.

“Pinkie Pie, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her amethysts orbs gentle, submissive, and to Pinkie Pie, broken.

Twilight, Pinkie thought, you have nothing to be sorry about, sweetie. It’s... me. I... did I ruin your first kiss? Oh damnditty damn damn. Twilight...

“Twilight...” Pinkie’s voice had lost all of its bounce, all of its passion. She galloped toward Twilight to hold up her chin, her teary cerulean orbs reflecting off of the mystical purple of Twilight's own.

“I didn't-I shouldn't have-oh gosh, this is horrible. To ruin your first kiss? I-”

“Pinkie Pie, it was me who kissed you without permission," Twilight said. "I'm so-"

"And I wanted more," Pinkie said. "You didn't do anything wrong, Twilight. We're just tipsy. So if you think I wasn't okay with it, you're wrong. I'm the one-"

Twilight pressed her lips into Pinkie's once more, tilting her snout to the side to peck her lips. Her snout rubbed affectionately over Pinkie's muzzle as the kiss was started once again, the gentle nips and licks over each other's lips echoing in the air.

Their ears folded by the sides of their muzzles, their minds going to a different place as they damned their thoughts and teasingly licked over each other's tongue tips for what seemed like both an eternity and the blink of an eye all at once.

Twilight broke the kiss, her soft eyes looking into Pinkie's own as she traced a forehoof gently over Pinkie's chest fluff.

"W-w-wow," she huffed. "Wow. I think I needed that more than I realized."

Pinkie exhaled softly. "Yeah... how about we forget about who did what and both agree it was needed. You okay with that, Twi'?"

Twilight snorted in amusement, smiling gently at Pinkie. "Today’s been... well... bucked up if I have to use that word."

Pinkie waved a forehoof dismissively through Twilight's mane. "I'll just mention I hang around Rainbow a lot and if she stops saying buck at least three times a day I'll assume she's being controlled by some alien."

"I just think we should both relax," Twilight chuckled, "and realize that... well... tonight's going to be very different than what they normally are. And-”


Twilight raised an eyebrow at the mention of her. “What about her? She’s kind of been acting very weird today, and-”

Pinkie's forehooves lifted up to gently caress Twilight's cheeks. “You and her need to hook up.”

Saliva gagged in Twilight’s throat at the thought. She trotted backwards until she fell over onto her rump in shock.

Pinkie Pie quickly closed the distance, wrapping both of her forehooves protectively around Twilight's frame. “Listen to me, Twilight, and listen to Pinkie Pie well. I might be your pal, and maybe we could work in that way - in some... weird... way... but Rarity is totally the mare for you.”

“R-r-rarity?” Twilight mumbled the name of her friend on her tongue and lips several times over, letting it wisp over her ears and mind again and again. “You... think I should date Rarity? But Pinkie, I’m not sure who or what I’m doing tonight, and-”

Pinkie shook Twilight gently, pressing her forehead into Twilight's own.

She smiled.

She smiled like an older sister giving advice to a younger one.

You, and her, are meant for each other, Twilight! Both of you are smart. Really smart. You both have so many in-jokes like Dash and I do. You guys enjoy each other so much! You both could keep each other calm when bad things happen. You'd never get bored of what you two have to say, and you two just would be so cute together! You wanna know what Aunt Pinkie thinks? Rarity's doing all of this planning tonight so you can get that 'experience'. And it's her."

Internal me, I'm so proud of you... And the Oscar for-

Please stop! I'm tearing up already.

Oh sister, I'm already there!

Twilight was silent.

Confusion had merged in with her face with reflective contemplation, the biological computers inside of her head whirling together tens of thousands of scenarios, outcomes, strategies, and conflicts.

"Pinkie. You are so right."

"I knew it!" Pinkie chirped, nuzzling into Twilight's neck. She bounced back to life as quickly as her motherly side had taken over. "Your fur is interesting. It's very... horsey!"

Twilight ignored Pinkie's last comment. It was for the best. "She's hyper protective of me, loves talking to me about everything, nearly always enjoys my company, respects me, and she's... planning all of this out for me to have such a wonderful time. She wants me to realize that I want to be with her, because she has everything that I want-Pinkie Pie, that's it, you're incredible!"

Her horn flared to life, squeezing Pinkie in addition to the hug that she encapsulated Pinkie with with her forehooves. "Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that?" She nuzzled into Pinkie's shoulder deeply in delight. "She's trying to keep me guessing because she knows she can't out think me. I-"

Twilight's massaging of Pinkie's body continued until Pinkie Pie squeed deeply. From the wrong hole.

It was moderately hard to make Pinkie Pie blush, although the rumbling sound coming from her rump could be put high on that list. While an aptly timed fart joke - or perhaps well placed real one by two of her more physically active friends - could be hilarious, she never tried to pass gas around anypony.

All she could do to avert the attention from the sound was to grin shyly at Twilight, letting out the practiced and proper squee from the end of her pink snout. "A-a-a-ask before you give me a full body massage?" she chuckled shyly. "At least it doesn't smell-"

"Pinkie Pie, that's disgusting!" Twilight shrieked, crawling away from her as she shoved Pinkie away from her body.

Twilight pulled herself up onto her four hooves in a defensive, almost combat like stance, her tail lashing behind herself. "Are you Rainbow Dash or Applejack now!?"

"Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Twilight." Pinkie flipped herself back onto her hooves, returning the evil glare that Twilight gave her. "I didn't decide to squeeze your stomach a bunch and see what happens. Alcohol gives me gas sometimes, but normally I can hold it in. Unless somepony crushes me from the outside in!"

"That doesn't give you any excuse to pass gas near me, Pinkie!" Twilight shot back, pressing her snout assertively into Pinkie's own. "How could we work as a couple if you would pass gas when I hug you? Or sleep?"

"How could we work if you pee the bed, Twi' Twi'? I might like natural lemonade sometimes, but that's a kind only good twice a year." Pinkie's tail twitched rapidly behind herself as Twilight and Pinkie pushed their snouts back and forth, growling loudly.

"That is even more disgusting. Why did you have to share that?"

"It's sterile! It doesn't hurt you!"

Twilight stomped a forehoof onto the floor, gritting her teeth in frustration. She could feel her own behind tighten up, and it was more keen on plot kicking than gas passing. Hopefully.

"Don't you pull a me, Pinkie. And pee the bed? Did Spike tell you that!? Oh I am going to kill him for that!" Twilight neighed.

"Like, mare please," Pinkie nickered, "I can smell it myself. I've got the best nose ever, and you still do it a little bit. It just blends into your fur-"

Twilight knew of one way to shut Pinkie Pie up, and that was to kiss her. She might have to put this under her belt of abilities for future problems if Pinkie was about to cause massive political damage to Equestria.

Or if Twilight was just a bit tipsy, and it sounded like a good idea to get rid of stress. It worked the last time.

Twilight went at her friend full force, her tongue inserting itself drunkenly inside of Pinkie's muzzle, flailing and slapping over her teeth as their lips and snouts pressed together. She had no idea what she was doing, but Pinkie took charge soon enough, instead of shoving Twilight away from her or doing anything rational from their prior argument. Pinkie's thick equine tongue began to coil and suckle onto Twilight's own with such a sinful delight Twilight cried out a sultry moan of bliss.

"That's disgustin'."

"I think it's kinda hot if you ask me."

"They are so cute together!"

Twilight's and Pinkie's eyes slowly opened to look at the Cutie Mark Crusaders watching their making out session, breaking apart their lips to show the thick string of saliva that connected their muzzles together. Time slowed down for the both of them, looking between each other and the fillies beside them.

This is what happened when you didn't lock the front door.

Pinkie and Twilight both shrieked in unison.

Pinkie burst higher into the air than anypony ever should, which involved her nailing her head on the ceiling from the velocity of her jump. She fell back onto the ground with a painful whimper, her tongue hanging out of the side of her muzzle.

Twilight did perhaps the worst sin in her entire life. There was no redemption for her committed crime. Celestia would disown her if the word of it ever got out.

Twilight Sparkle, cursed in front of children.

"Oh Shit! What the bucking hay are you three doing here!?"

"About to blackmail you!" Scootaloo fluttered happily, her wings pulsating by the sides of her body.

"Scootaloo, that's horrible!" Apple Bloom protested, shooting Scootaloo a disgusted glance.

"Not for free candy, milk, and books," Scootaloo countered.

"Scootaloo, that's awesome!" Sweetie Belle chirped, bouncing in place. "Cutie Mark Crusader Blackmailers! We want one gallon of strawberry milk."

Before Sweetie Belle could even finish their demands a chilled tub of milky goodness was placed in front of them by Pinkie.

"Done!" Pinkie panted. "Anything else? Anything you want!"

"Two gallons of chocolate milk!" Scootaloo whinnied excitedly, giggling with Sweetie Belle as they cantered in place.

Apple Bloom bit her bottom lip, contemplating the morality of the situation.

Her darker side won. "A large bag of candy corn. Oh shoot, AJ's gonna kill me..."

Sweetie Belle bounced higher into the air with every passing second. "A box of assorted fudges! Oh those are so good."

"A jumbo bag of those sour cream and onion chips Twilight eats all the time," Scootaloo sneered. All Twilight could do was stare fiery death at Scootaloo, since she couldn't get away with murder.

If the secret of her and Pinkie kissing got out in public...

Her reputation would be ruined! The public would think of us as nuts! Oh my gosh, I should of thought of that. Image! Rarity is all about image!

Pinkie Pie's mind galloped a trillion miles an hour, going from Hyrule to the Citadel, screaming at her own stupidity for not locking the door or closing the windows or doing anything right in the last twenty minutes.

You're a dipshit, Pinkie Pie! You deserve that word right now!

Thanks for telling me that now, fudge sucker.

"Some peanut butter cups." Sweetie Belle giggled, shaking her rump behind herself. "Oh we get to eat so much candy tonight. It's like the best Nightmare Night and Hearths Warming day ever!"

"And a big sheet of caramel for us to suck on." Apple Bloom murred. "Yum!"

Scootaloo scoffed at the ground, looking up at Twilight and Pinkie. "I... think that's it? See? Nothing to break the bank. We're-"

"Do you have everything you want?" Pinkie Pie neighed, forcing the Cutie Mark Crusaders to back up against the store door.

A massive plume of air was propelled from the end of Pinkie's nose, her face clenched tightly in rage.

"You three think this is funny? To use Twilight and me like this? I... I can't even think of anything to say to you, and..."

All that was registered on her face, was disgust.

"Get out. You aren't welcome here anymore. Go to Bon Bon if you want candy."

Twilight looked between Pinkie and the Cutie Mark Crusaders, her eyes watering. "I... I can't believe you three would do this to us." Her hooves quivered, ears wiltering on the sides of her muzzle. "Didn't you learn anything from Gabby Gums? If you... I... I just-"

Apple Bloom stepped forward, letting out a quiet sigh as she bit her bottom lip. She pondered on her words, but soon enough, she couldn't help but smile.

"How about... we consider this... well... 'payment' for what we're about ta tell you, since it's a lot bigger than what we saw here."

Pinkie Pie's expression turned homicidal. "You fuc-"

"AJ and Dasha were cuddlin' in the barn!" Apple Bloom blurted. "And then they started really cuddlin', and then they started kissin', and then got 'laid' is what you ponies call what adult ponies do."

"Honest!" Scootaloo said, her wings flickering beside her frame. "She's not joking, and we aren't either!"

"We're sorry!" Sweetie Belle cried, tears budding in her eyes. "We're just jealous that you all get to go out, and get laid, and dance, and we wanted to do something super special tonight ourselves, so don't kill us!"

The shock that filled Pinkie's and Twilight's faces was not of contempt. It was from the hand grenade of information that shattered their entire concept as to what tonight and all of their futures were going to be.

Most of the anger that trickled from their puffed out coats melted. They glanced at each other, silently adjusting the reality that they now knew.

"Holy, crap," Pinkie whispered. "I knew they had a thing going for each other."

Twilight could barely speak, her purple eyes looking at the Cutie Mark Crusaders as if they were Rainbow and Applejack themselves.

"Then the rumors were true," she muttered. "This changes everything."

Pinkie couldn't help but smile sweetly at the thought of her two friends being in love. "Oh my gosh, Dashie could teach Jackie so much, and-"

Twilight shoved a forehoof inside of Pinkie's muzzle, watching her glance at Twilight.

"What were you three doing spying on them?" Twilight hissed, stomping a forehoof onto the floor. "That's-"

"It's my barn too," Apple Bloom rumbled, "and they were on the freakin' piano door! Kinda hard not to see it. We wanted some cider from the cellar, and my sister and Dasha were getting laid. Right in plain site. Ya can't blame me!"

"N-n-no," Twilight said, "I guess we can't; but this is something you three shouldn't have seen for another few years." She shook her head with a deep, groaning sigh. "We'll talk about this next week. I just can't-"

Scootaloo stepped forward, flicking her tail behind herself. "But here's the real kicker, and it blows that one out of the water, and this is why you owe us big time. Yeah, we spied on them after that, but can you blame us? So... like... they did it, but said that they wouldn't work as a couple, but might wanna try it out later if their plan doesn't go well. They convinced each other to try this first."

"Rainbow wants you to hook up with Applejack, Twilight," Sweetie said. "And Applejack wants Rainbow to hook up with Rarity. And you say we're blackmailing you two? Your own friends are planning on making you date each other!"

Pinkie's jaw hit the floor. Literally. It slammed into the ground with a metallic ring.

What anger Twilight and Pinkie had melted away much like the former sound of Pinkie's flatulence.

"And Rarity wants you to hook up with Rainbow, Twilight," Pinkie gasped. "And I want you to hook up with Rarity! The messed upness of this situation is too damn high. I mean, I don't often say this, but damn! It's like we're all planning the sex life of Twilight Sparkle, like you're some princ-"

"My plot is not a fucking commodity!" Twilight shouted, raspberry lightning flying out of her horn with a thunderous clap of energy that chipped the ceiling of the room.

She stared down at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, her eyes a solid, burning white of heaven's wrath.

She was slightly agitated.

"Listen, well, girls." Twilight's neck twitched rapidly. "You promise not to say a single thing about any of this to any pony ever? Good. You don't need to Pinkie Pie Promise, because that's not going to be strong enough-"

"Twi', I think you need another Dirty Stalliongradi." Pinkie slowly massaged Twilight's horn, watching the pearl rage in Twilight's eyes flutter and flicker back to her natural eye color. It was mixed in with a tender, quiet panting from Twilight's mouth, her tail snapping in the air behind herself at the stimulation to her spinal system.

The Crusaders groaned in disgust at both the image of a manure covered stallion and Twilight's faint drooling, only to be stared down by Pinkie's firm gaze.

"Now what she said is totally true!" Pinkie's voice had become more akin to what a mother would use to scold a child. "You think breaking my promises are bad? Let's just say her magic can go places you don't want magic to go."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders swallowed down balls of their own saliva in unison.

Pinkie smiled gently. "And for the record: We sorta-mostly-kinda-maybe-we'll-run-with-it forgive you since you completely changed our lives, and weren't really doing anything wrong other than the blackmailing part. You just learned way too much, but you came to us to tell us about it since you knew we like knowing that kind of stuff, but still blackmailed us, and not nice things."

She continued her massage on Twilight's horn, tenderly digging the edges of her forehooves into the grooves along the twirled length. "And also: The language we used? If we ever catch you girls saying those things we are totally going to spank you all in public in front of the Mayor's office with your classmates laughing at you the whole time."

Jeez, me, that's really freaking dark. Her kind side whimpered in her head.

Shh! The information they gave us is totally going to be used to get Twilight laid. Oh she's gonna blow her magic so hard it'll burn a hole in the roof!

Like... she already did?

Curses! Foiled again!

"S-s-so how about we both say we never saw each other, and u-u-umm-can we take what we bargained for?" Apple Bloom sniffled, scoffing at the ground. "Fair deal?"

Pinkie stroked her chin with her tail, looking up at the minor damage to the ceiling.

It's just a scratch.

"Hmm... you owe me a small favor though in the future, but sure!"

"E-e-eww... what's that smell?" Apple Bloom winced, sniffing the air. "It's... d-d-did somepony-"

Pinkie Pie winced in return.

She knew that smell. She knew that smell very well.

"Fire!" Pinkie screamed at the Crusaders, watching them gallop out the door with their plunder of candy on their backs. "I got it covered though!" she hollered, slamming the door behind herself. Considering that boarding up the door wasn't going to make the Cake's happy with the damage to their walls, she would have to make due with just locking the front door.

As soon as the danger of her secret being let out and the stress of the moment melted away like warmed up chocolate she slid herself against the door, letting a belly deep sigh pour from her lungs.

Everything's okay now, she cooed to herself. Just smile, smile, sm-

She opened her eyes and other senses slowly, registering a large, furred, warm object straddling her groin. A quietly purring, purple eyed, pony eating object rested on top of her. It wasn't one she wanted.

"Hey, Pinkie," Twilight nickered seductively down at her, stroking through Pinkie's puffy mane.

"Oh frosted, fudge fondling flamingos, unicorn horns are no touch zones." Pinkie chuckled nervously, listening to the rumbles of pleasure escaping from Twilight's stomach. "I forgot, and I got talented forehooves."

Twilight dug into Pinkie's poodle furred coat. Her ears didn't register anything that Pinkie had said.

"Hey, Twilight, remember when we said we were gonna pop your cherry tonight? Or that how I'm going to convince you that I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore, and so that we'll just take it somepony is taking you tonight? Why am I talking about this with you on top of me?"

Twilight tugged onto Pinkie's mane firmly, her violet eyes a glowing glass of arousal and seductive need.

"Mmm, I pushed that up to now," she growled, straddling Pinkie's stomach more roughly. "And I'm sure 'plot pusher' Pinkie can do wonders to me. Speaking of that: I've never tried anal, and Rainbow just denies she's done it with you. What's it like, Pinkie? I'm sure you have a toy for that."

Twilight leaned forward to slowly drag her tongue over Pinkie's ear, her saliva dripping down the length. "I've got enough spells to blow, your, mind-guuurgh!"

With one firm pinch to Twilight's neck, Twilight was out cold, her body limply collapsing on top of Pinkie.

"Ahh," Pinkie sighed. "Pressure points! I know those too, Twilight. And jeez are you wet-stop leaking on me!"

She pushed Twilight over onto her back with a tired groan, looking at her limp, drooling, passed out friend. It was impossible for Pinkie not to giggle at the adorable - and she had to admit, scary - sides of Twilight Sparkle. It wasn't as if she was completely stable either.

"Well... bucky boo has today been interesting. And we aren't even that drunk yet. Oh the next eight hours are gonna be fun! I... think."

As long as you, mister narrator, make it fun. I'm warning you-"

The voice carrying the plot of the story would counter Pinkie's threats in that the Numa Numa song could always be played.

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to comment, but remained silence on the manner, other than giving the narrator a deep, hard, deathly stare with her blue eyes.

It was for the best that she said nothing more.

Chapter Nine: I'm A Gentlemare

View Online

Rarity was doing something that she commonly did in the privacy of her own home.

She was dancing.

It wasn't the fact that she danced, or even danced well that was misleading; she was dancing in a manner that the high class ponies she aspired to be with would be repulsed by.

She didn't give a damn at the moment.

Her flank and tail swayed behind herself as she moved her body. Her lean and silky smooth fur carried along with her diet maintained and Yoga balanced withers shook to the music dancing in her ears.

It moved not to the classical music she adored, nor the opera she loved, nor the jazz that Fluttershy got her into. Not even that she was swaying her curved assets of dietary perfection to a modern pop song was considered odd to the general masses.

It was the gyrating, rump swaggering, plot bouncing, pelvic thrusting manner in which she did it. It would have made all of her friends wonder how much wine she had been consuming before hoof, or silently nod their heads in agreement that this was the other extreme of Rarity's personality that she hid away to deal with the stresses of her life.

Once again, her caring meter was running awfully low as the other parts of her brain objected to her actions. They were the most boring of snobs anyways.

"Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you wet, you know who I am, Rarity!"

Her voice half cracked at the final note, the smooth, resonating tone of her singing voice going for a vacation as she drunkenly squeaked to the music. Rarity’s white rump and purple tail shook as she trotted through her house and workplace without a care in the world. Her eyes were closed as she gaily went about her business, completely indifferent to Fluttershy, who had walked in to see Rarity prancing and twerking like she was on the dance floor. Or worse.

Fluttershy silently shut the door behind herself and simply stood still as Rarity existed in a world that Pinkie had to have lived in a good majority of the time.

But... it could be worse.

She had not only seen worse - not that it bothered her, much like Big Mac had seen his fair share of horror stories - but she hadn't exactly... not done the same thing with enough ponies, music, social lubricant, and a bit of alcohol.

To think, I'm the innocent one. She smiled softly to herself. Oh dear. Once, I was so shy I couldn't even leave my house much. Now I think of...

She'd rather not think about what she had been an accomplice to a few times. And yet, she didn't regret it. Much.

"Rarity, can you turn down the music? I'm here,” Fluttershy asked. Her normal speaking voice wasn't going to cut it.

She had to admit that watching Rarity twirl about and act in an ungraceful manner more akin to Twilight or Pinkie was entertainment all by itself.

Oh dear. Am I turning into Rainbow for finding this... funny? Maybe alcohol has changed me. It was something to think about over the next week, when the chaotic events of today and the almost certain ramifications of tonight needed a bit of a life goal adjustment.

"Rarity! I'm here!" Fluttershy called.

There was no response. Rarity was in her own world still, and didn't seem prepared to leave it any time soon. The bass and throbbing clap of the songs electronic beat had pulled Rarity away from reality. "Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you wet, you know who I am, Rarity!"

I wish I could move like that, Fluttershy thought, retreating into her own head for a bit of sanity. Just let go like that. Oh my gosh! I have held a part of me back. Was this what Rainbow told me to... 'unleash’? Or Rarity? Is Rarity what I'm like tipsy?

It was a life crisis that Fluttershy needed to also push into next week. Everything needed to be pushed toward that Tartarus filled week. The simple thought of dancing drunkenly was far too much for her panicked, sober mind to think about.

"Rarity!" Fluttershy cried, her voice for once turning into a true shout.

Rarity simply kept on grooving as if she were at a high school graduation afterparty.

Fluttershy let out a calming sigh. Just relax. I'm happy, and have the best of friends! They know what's the best for me. At least I'm more outgoing thanks to my friends, and it's not like I'm Rainbow or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with her lifestyle. She's just a frisky filly.

Rarity's music jolted and pounded the floor and walls of her home as if she had recently decided to become a DJ, the speakers around her house pounding the party song to the point that Fluttershy felt parts of her that she didn't even know existed vibrate to the shockwave. "Rarity! Rarity! Rarity! Rarity!"

"Okay, it's too early for this music," Fluttershy growled to herself, her wings spreading in anger. She knew the feeling that was building up in her throat. The instinctive, deep inhale of air filling her lungs with pressure.

A part of her screamed for her mind to stop, but the ringing in her ears in the early afternoon had taken over her head. Animals were one thing for her to handle; an earthquake of a bass was another.

Please, head she pleaded internally. No! Don't! No! No! No!

"I'm a-"


Fluttershy's voice cracked through the house like a chain of roaring thunder hitting pavement and a church organ at the same time. It vibrated off the walls, boomed across the floor, and rang over every piece of furniture that Rarity had. It was a visible sonic wave of pressure that rolled to the core of the earth.

Rarity's voice had shocked her friends earlier that day with both its gravitas and vulgarity. Fluttershy had just matched her with a volume that few ponies alive could match, or could physically take without having their ear drums shattered.

The result was Rarity screaming like she had seen a dead body, her horn flaring to life to shunt the music, cowering on the ground in weeping hysterics.

"Please, take anything you want!" she cried, her forehooves covering her tear drenched eyes. "Just don't hurt me," she pleaded, sobbing into her hooves. "I won't even look at you. Please. I want to live for my friends and baby sister."

Fluttershy didn't ask for this.

Her friend had every right to overreact, and she was left with the guilt of causing it.

"Oh flying bucking feather-I mean gosh-damn-oh no-Rarity!"

The trundle of vulgarities that poured from Fluttershy's innocent mouth only made the anger bubbling in her blood that much more potent. She half tackled Rarity, scooping her up in her soft, light wings. Her aqua eyes watered as she cradled Rarity, listening to her every whimper. She dragged her feathers through Rarity's mane soothingly, nickering affectionately at her.

"Oh gosh, Rarity, I am so sorry," Fluttershy sniffled. "I just... did you have to play it so loud?"

She squeaked at her inner demon still throbbing in her ears as it merged with the budding headache she had received from the music. The last thing she needed was a cocktail of a non-alcoholic sort in her head.

Hush you! she said to the cackling voice inside of her mind. Take my wing to your face, evil me!

Oww! That hurt! Her darker side whimpered. It wasn't a fan of being hit.

Good! Now go to the you're-a-failure corner, and leave me alone! She huffed proudly inside of her head. I can beat you up, you know. Iron Will taught me things, and that's that beating up your evil side is okay. If you don't play along, I will get the saw, and you will scream.

Y-y-you're a monster! her evil part shouted.

Fluttershy's good side smiled. It smiled in a manner that a good side of a good mare who wouldn't hurt anything should never, ever, smile.

Only to things that want to kill me. I can't Stare myself, so I result to gratuitous violence instead.

Rarity sniffled loudly as she looked up Fluttershy cradling her, curling her forehooves toward her chest. Tears dropped down her cheeks, her sapphire eyes gleaming of freshly melted water.

"F-f-Fluttershy!" she said. "Oh thank heavens it's only you! Was my music that loud? Oh no, I must have looked like the greatest fool in Equestria. I deserve that shout, since it only made-"

"Rarity," Fluttershy said, "have you been drinking? A-a-although if I can be honest - if you don't mind - I found what you just did really adorable, and you should act like that more often. Just... don't play it so loudly." She smiled shyly down at Rarity, letting out a quiet giggle. If she's this cute sober tonight...

Oh my gosh, you're not thinking of doing that are you? her innocent side said.

Well... it's not like we can't help each other, her logical mind countered. She's really pretty, and we're all a bit pent up. If Rainbow and Twilight are getting together, why can't I help Rarity with her stress?


I'm not sure this counts as me being evil other than oddly selfless. Watch. I'll show you! She'll love it and find me cute too. Self esteem is a way to gleam!

"N-n-no, although should I start?" Rarity bit her bottom in contemplation, flicking an ear as her own sentence repeated in her head. The irony of her comment about Rainbow Dash and alcohol hurt that much more.

"Oh, Olympus, did I just say I should start drinking and Sweetie Belle hasn't broken anything yet?" Rarity pouted loudly, squirming in place. "If I thought Rainbow Dash was bad I could be an alcoholic in the making! The double standards, the scandal!"

Rarity grabbed Fluttershy, resulting in a quiet squeak echoing from Fluttershy's mouth. "I just can't 'loosen' up in public, Fluttershy. I must protect my image."

"Like... you did earlier? At the restaurant?" Fluttershy said, settling down onto her rump.

"That doesn't count!" Rarity half shouted, causing a faint meep to escape from Fluttershy's muzzle. "Everypony could think you all were insulting me, so it was a good reaction."

"But we're your best friends-"

"That doesn't count either!" Rarity flailed, pulling herself back onto her hooves. "I'm known for my frantic pacing and dramatics as well, but the noble side of me is universally considered to be the dominant side of my personality. What happened out there could be locally considered years of pent up anger. I'll manage."

Fluttershy gave Rarity a gentle prod on the nose. "I understand you are shaking from what I've done, and I'm very sorry, Rarity, but you are only making your heart beat faster. So I want you to calm down, and-"

"Well thank you for the advice, dear," Rarity flatly nickered, "although I adore you and all, I think I have myself under control for the moment, relatively speaking." She swished her tail confidently behind herself, scoffing at her pearl colored chest. "I have a lot planned for us in the next few hours. So a bit of... playtime was needed."

Fluttershy exhaled quietly from the end of her muzzle. It's just Rarity being Rarity and denying that she enjoyed being a silly filly, Fluttershy thought. Maybe she does need to start drinking. Play time sounds-

Oh gosh! Why would you ever suggest that!? How can you think that way? her innocent side protested.

Because... umm... it would make her even more adorable? And it's not like it's unnatural. Bisexuality is a common trait in ponies, and Rarity is one of the most beautiful ponies I know. Watch!

"You're right, Rarity," Fluttershy began, extending a wing to gently trace its tip across Rarity's chest. "You need to enjoy yourself and unwind because you have a lot planned tonight. You were just expressing yourself in a way that you simply don't let yourself do often. Don't be silly and be angry at yourself for doing that. You're just tense like the rest of us, but just don't admit it."

Rarity pondered, tapping her chin with the edge of a perfectly shaped forehoof. "That is a very roundabout and polite way to say I could use a bridling, and it has been since Bayston, as much as I hate to admit it's been nearly half a year. You see why I like you so much, Fluttershy? Tactful! You know exactly how I work and even I don't know how you do it half the time."

"Mmmhmm." Fluttershy's wing reached up to scratch behind Rarity's ears. Rarity let out a soft, happy cry of delight at the sudden rubbing. It was exactly as Fluttershy intended it to be.

"You're so cute when you do that." Fluttershy giggled. She hadn't even consciously realized she had nosed Rarity over onto her back. Rarity's squeak of protest at being pushed over only grew louder as the ear rubbing was followed by Fluttershy's forehooves tickling under her armpits.

"Nonononono, 'Shy-this isn't fair!" Rarity laughed, her face quickly turning red. Whatever anger or thoughts she had about how weird it was for Fluttershy to be tickling her and being so playful for no reason were lost. "Yes... I admit... heheh! I admit some fun is-oh you devil-I will get you!"

Rarity growled teasingly up at Fluttershy, the childish delight in her sapphire eyes making the grin across Fluttershy's muzzle that much wider.

"I'm not scared of you, Rarity. I've got you now!"

Fluttershy and Rarity laughed as Fluttershy laid on top of her, nipping at the end of her snout while her wings scratched Rarity's ears and her forehooves rubbed into her sides. Whatever coherent sounds Rarity was trying to make had broken down into squealing torrents of delight at the pleasure going through her body. Her sensible pretenses had been shoved aside for the fun of the moment, her tail lashing about as their frames pressed firmly into one another's.

And now... The Kiss.

Fluttershy gently pressed her lips into Rarity's, tilting her muzzle to the side to let the fuzz on their noses rub together. Rarity's gentle whinny in shock melted away with the kiss that caught her off guard.

Fluttershy's deep, ocean blue eyes looked at the ice blue slits underneath them.

What stole both of them away was the passion.

There was no malevolence in Fluttershy's intentions; only a repressed, perhaps minor crush on Rarity coming from her heart. How couldn't she have a crush on her? Rarity was so relaxed and gentle around Fluttershy. They shared so many of the same hobbies and passions. They laughed, gossiped, giggled, talked, and let the world pass them by when they were together.

There was no aggression in the kiss; there was only their powerful affection for one another, and the tender loving care that they had for each other's happiness.

And it broke Rarity.

Rarity wrapped her forehooves around Fluttershy's neck, stroking through her sinfully soft yellow fur as she returned the kiss without shame or regret. The faint crackle of their snouts rubbing together echoed in the air. They let the sweet kiss bounce off each other's ears, and it was turning both of them mentally into mush.

Fluttershy stroked firmly down her friend's sides, the gentle swaying of both of their flanks and tails in unison lulling them into a sense of security that they never wanted to go away. It was a deep, blissful friendship exploring its limits, and a momentary release and beginning of a long night ahead of them. They both quietly moaned into the affection, letting their loins press together, their desire and adult needs swirling together to form a cocktail that they both wished to drink from.

Perhaps some early day fun wasn't a bad idea after all. No pony would know...

Except for the one occupant who watched the faintly aroused, tail lifted plots in front of him.

For the second time that day two mares making out was not considered the norm - but taen again two colts making out was considered normal as well - nor a cheer worthy desire of stallions everywhere.

It was a way to ruin your month and change your life.

And for the second time that day, somepony should've locked their damn front door. Making out on the floor wasn't conducive for business. Or privacy.

Spike's face was beet red as he watched his sex idol make out with a very cute, butter colored pegasus on top of her. It was impossible for him not to smell either of them, but his brain hadn't quite reached the age to register its meaning. It would only be a month or two away from that. Then Twilight would have that problem on top of the others she was about to have coming tomorrow morning and over the coming months.

At the very least the image would last for years inside his head when that moment came. That was worth everything that ever could happen in Equestria to his brain only a few weeks away.

Rarity's eyes had opened at first to look seductively at Fluttershy's, keen on bringing her into the bedroom for some intimate 'details' on what her magical specialization had 'gifted' her with over the years. However, her eyes had turned into tiny dots of shock at Spike watching Fluttershy and herself make a soap opera not look awful.

She sputtered, whimpered, and was caught motionless, her body instantly turning stiff. She tried to think of something to say or how to reply. She came up blank.

Fluttershy opened up her mako colored eyes to the panic, fear blasted circles of Rarity's staring behind them. She quickly turned her head to look at what had turned Rarity to stone.

She liked what she saw.

Fluttershy rumbled out a sultry whinny toward Spike that was more suited for a mare of far worse tastes and ethical standards than herself. She slowly licked her lips of Rarity's saliva to add it to her own, her eyes fluttering rapidly at Spike.

"Oh, a baby dragon," she purred, hiking up her flowing pink tail to give Spike a better view. A much, much better view. "I've never bucked a baby dragon before. Sure you might be small, but oh those ridges-"

Rarity left behind the violin playing romance she was in with that one sentence Fluttershy uttered. "Are you suggesting a child have sex with us!?"

"U-u-uhh keep on going!" Spike said with a nervous chuckle. "Whatever sex is, keep doing it. So is this like... a super version of getting laid?"

Fluttershy gave her sunshine colored rump and the darker fur between it more than a little shake. "Oh we'll do you, Spike, and get you laid," Fluttershy growled huskily. "Nice, and hard-"

What slammed across Fluttershy's face was the backhoofed slap of Rarity.

It was a slap of legends. A slap so many colts - and a mare or six - had felt. A slap of the gods that would have brought an alicorn to their knees. Of perfect anatomical precision. It had the most resonating crack of hoof on flesh; of the perfect tempo and grace.

Fluttershy had just been bitch slapped, by the empress, of bitch slaps.

Fluttershy cried as reality hit her full force, in addition to the edges of a polished forehoof. She was a broken soul who had just realized she had offered sex to a child.

Well an adolescent-

By Whinneykey Candles and Chicken in a Biskit crackers, shut the buck up perverted side of me!

The silence was golden.

Spike, was in awe.

Fluttershy was a half whimpering, quivering wreck, which was apt to describe her in most tense situations. Tears streaked down her muzzle as she looked between Rarity and Spike. She had been forced to rest weakly on her side as if she were about to be put to sleep by the sheer gravitas of Rarity's slap.

Rarity - although very much adoring Fluttershy and Spike a vast majority of the time - was livid.

Her regal composure was regained as quickly as it had been melted away, aided by a royal anger that was unleashing itself like a police dog sent to attack a criminal.

She pulled herself up onto her hooves with a powerful rock of her body, snorting at Spike and Fluttershy like she was about to charge down a pony apt on having their way with her. Her once sparkling eyes had become icy cold with a hellish fury near to what had graced them earlier that day.

“I don’t know what disgusts me more,” she spat. “Fluttershy, you unleashing some pedophile side of you. Or you, Spike, not having the courtesy to just... I don’t know, bloody knock on my damn door first!”

Fluttershy felt the many parts of her mind dueling and swirling together. But one thing stood out. One overwhelming urge replaced the traffic jam inside of her muzzle.

Oh, no, she, didn’t.

Oh yes. Yes, she did.

“I’m not a pedophile!” Fluttershy roared at Rarity, slamming her snout into Rarity's with a screaming neigh. “As if you don’t like him chasing your tail, Rarity? Fluttering your eyelashes and swaying your withers and just waiting for him to hit puberty and do you hard like the pearl necklace wearing whorse you are? You'll lift your tail for anypony to make life easier for you. And you think Rainbow's withers is the talk of Ponyville? Hah!”

"At least I don't hang around animals all day and surely enjoy intimate lessons on their anatomies," Rarity growled, scoffing at the ground aggressively. "I'm sure you are Lyra would-"

Enough! Both of you!”

Rarity and Fluttershy slowly turned their heads to look at Spike's serpentine eyes burning into their hearts, the bright emerald shine in his draconic eyes glowing like kryptonite.

Spike shoved himself between Rarity and Fluttershy. “You two are the best of friends, and I don’t give a crap that you two were getting 'laid' or whatever you adult ponies do. But I’m not going to let you two tear each other apart like this! If this is what getting laid with friends is about and does to a pony then count me out of ever doing it. Because you two need to stop, and if getting laid does this to you two, the nicest mares I know?... Disgusting."

Fluttershy and Rarity's eyes slowly made contact, the anger burning in them melting away into sorrow as they both collectively whimpered.

"This isn't harmony or friendship at all," Spike continued. "Maybe this is why Rainbow says she does this with ponies she barely knows. Because it can bite you in the plot if you get too close. I don't often say this... but maybe Rainbow's right. You two are super close friends, and-”

“Fluttershy... let us never speak of this again,” Rarity said, stroking the end of Fluttershy's muzzle. “Except perhaps to Rainbow, who would - as much as I hate to admit it - know better than all of us what we need to do.” She scoffed at the ground shyly, averting her gaze. “I think... I treasure you more as a dear friend than-”

Fluttershy pecked Rarity gently on the lips. “You don’t need to say anything, Rarity. I love you as a friend, just the way you are. I'm... sorry that I said all of those things about you. It's not your fault that you are one of the most beautiful mares in Equestria, if not the whole world."

"And I'm sorry for implying such horrific things about you and your passion for animals, Fluttershy." Rarity rubbed her cheek into Fluttershy's, letting out a soft, loving coo. "It seems we both have some issues of our own that we need to resolve tonight. To think that I was focusing so much on Rainbow and Twilight getting laid for their mental health."

"Getting... umm... ‘laid’ with you isn’t important.” Fluttershy could not stop the corners of her lips from twitching.

Rarity slowly smiled back. “Y-y-yes, why should we do that when we can get 'laid' at the club,” Rarity giggled. "Meet somepony new after all, and I'm always on the look out for a lovely coltfriend who can help me with... 'things'."

“Great,” Spike sighed, blowing out a gentle huff of smoke. “Here I go, doing something Twilight would be proud of, and you two are talking about getting laid and sex with strangers. Well at least you two are talking and-”

The dots connected in Spike’s mind. Like the sudden parting of the heavens his youthful innocence was shattered. Forever.

Spike learned what getting laid and the subtle meaning of sex really meant.

And he had convinced the Cutie Mark Crusaders to do it.

“Oh, buck!” he shouted.

“Spike Sparkle!” Fluttershy neighed, turning her glowing eyes toward Spike with distain, “how dare you use such lang-”

“I have to stop the Cutie Mark Crusaders from seeing those sex books!”

Horror. It was the defining emotion that etched itself across Fluttershy and Rarity's faces at the sheer armageddon that would happen if the Cutie Mark Crusaders learned about the incredibly vast world of pornography and sex.

"W-w-what!?" Rarity backed away in shock, stumbling over onto her rump. "What-"

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders want to party like you all are about to tonight," Spike blurted. "They want to get drunk, and eat, and..."

He shook his head. "I can stop this. All I have to do is hide them since they don't know what it is yet, and then convince them that getting drunk is more fun. Besides, do you really think any colt wants to go within ten feet of them? They destroy everything."

"That doesn't solve anything!" Rarity panicked, grabbing Spike violently. "Are you insane?"

"I haven't got that far!" Spike shot back, staring down Rarity. "Okay... I'll go to Twilight and tell her, and if I'm not back here in twenty minutes it means she thinks I can handle it. Now that I know what you all are doing tonight, you need it. Badly."


Spike silenced Rarity, placing a paw on her lips. "If you promise to kiss me for thirty seconds later, I promise you they won't know what sex is until you tell them what it is. We both get what we want."

Fluttershy blinked rapidly at the exchange, looking at the now enlightened Spike in front of her talking about sex as casually as most members of the male species did. And unsurprisingly, he manipulated his new found knowledge to get what he wanted out of Rarity.

He has Twilight's cunning, and that's going to get him in a lot of trouble in the future.

But what else can we do? she thought.

Well, I could always Stare them, her rational mind countered.

You don't even know where they are, and by the time you do it'll be too late. And we'll miss the spa appointment, and that would be awful!

She could feel that logical side of her mind look at her as if she wasn't herself.

Umm... I'm pretty sure the Cutie Mark Crusaders learning about mating is more important than doing some yourself. And-

Spike would clean Applejack's pigs with his tongue to make out with Rarity.

She heard nothing more from her more reasonable side.

For the longest several seconds in both Rarity's and Spike's lives Rarity looked at Spike with a wide range of emotions across her muzzle. Disgust, contempt, curiosity, and dare she admit it, acceptance. With a pinch of approval.

"You're a sly little bastard, you know that?" Rarity couldn't help but faintly smile.

Spike couldn't help but smile back. "I learned it from you and Twilight, and it was time I grew up anyways," he winked.

Rarity huffed. "Fine. Deal. Now what are you waiting for? Stop them!” Rarity shouted at Spike, shoving him away from her.

He offered no reply, other than giving her the most devious grin that he had ever done in his entire life, blasting out of the Boutique at a speed that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash would whistle in admiration at.

Fluttershy and Rarity looked at each other.

Nothing was said for what seemed like an eternity.

They looked at the walls, ceilings, and back toward each other when every object around them had been thoroughly analyzed. Their eyes looked each other over, processing their love, friendship, the day, the future night, and the future in general. Of everything that had happened and would happen, for good or ill.

They smiled, frowned, and bit their bottom lips as one.

“Tequila?” Rarity said.

Fluttershy nodded. “I could go for a shot.”

“Mare, please, at least four.”

“Three and you can tickle me.”


Chapter Ten: Library Love Lectures

View Online

Twilight Sparkle opened the door to the library knowing one thing for certain: Everything wasn't going to be fine tonight unless she orgasmed so hard she fried her ether glands.

Considering her ether glands were abnormally large and her mana reserves were legendary, the orgasm would most likely cause her ACL to tear and give her a herniated disk.

It was a very logical fear to have critical components to her muscular system compromised, and a night of sex could be ruined by one pulled thigh tendon that made a pony wish they never had legs. At least... that's what Rainbow Dash had said. Twilight would trust the local physical fitness guru on what a pulled thigh tendon felt like. Rainbow said it was on par of trying to crap out steel, except across the entire leg.

A pain to numb her current senses sounded like an awfully good idea at the moment. Sometimes, a mare needs to improvise. Now I wonder what a door knob feels-

She had trouble thinking about anything else other than wanting to see how much she could leak into a bucket without suffering dehydration. She was that pent up thanks to Pinkie Pie.

She even knocked me out! she growled inside of her mind. She didn't even ask or warn me. There were plenty of things she could have done to calm me down, and she went with horn massages? What a primordial, cantankerous... bitch!

There Pinkie was, massaging Twilight's overly sensitive horn to calm her down, and then she just left Twilight out cold. Literally. As if physically knocking her out would remove the hormonal urges that were bubbling deep inside of Twilight's mind.

Twilight had a heavy urge to show Pinkie what an anti-gravity spell and some physical constructs could do to orifices. I'll show you what fish mouthed really means, Pinkie-

The thoughts going through her head weren't exactly... conductive ones to have about friends. Harmony wasn't exactly on her mind. Heavy amounts of neighing, panting, and musk was.

She inhaled and exhaled in the manner that Cadance had taught her - and tried not to think about her sister-in-law's shapely, tight flank cheeks spread open for use.

Clap my hooves and cackle more likely, Cadance. You know how attractive ponytails are? You know how cute you are? Oh I'll give you a ponytail and yank on it so-

She let out a shout of repressed agony as she paced around in a circle, her loins driving her thought processes in a manner she had never thought possible.

My sex drive is only on the below average side. Why are you doing this to me!?

A hollow image of her snide, self righteous inner consciousness huffed proudly in front of her. I told you, the projection said. You didn't listen to me. Today wasn't going to be normal; you've been pent up for way too long, and now it's spreading around to your friends. It's going to reach a singularity that is bound to end poorly. This is why-

"Listen, here," Twilight snarled, slamming her morally superior projection into a bookshelf, "I'm really pissed off and horny right now, if I can quote Rainbow Dash, so I'm not exactly thinking like I normally should. The last thing I need is you calling the shots, got it?"

She didn't even wait for her mental projection to reply. Twilight rapidly and violently shook the stuttering, ear wilted image of herself.

"So you better get the hay out of my way; and stop giving me logical, fair, and balanced arguments before I buck you with some apple beads. Big Mac sized. Got it?"

The projection melted into the air as wisps of plasma colored smoke. Twilight was pleased something was going right today, if only just for this one moment.

With a swish of her tail, Twilight shimmied herself down onto the floor with a deep, soul purging sigh.

This wasn't like her.

Twilight did not suffer from impulse control issues like Pinkie and Rainbow did, except when it came to food-based stress eating. She was obsessive-compulsive and knew full well that she was. Those obsessive and compulsive desires were never on the sexual side of the spectrum. In fact, she was extremely good at pushing aside fear and focusing on the task at hoof if she needed to. And yet here she was, consumed and rattled by years of pent up sexual urges.

And yet... she had forgotten one key thing about herself. One key element that explained all of this.

It wasn't that her friends had made her more open to talking about sex, or that she was in her monthly cycle, or that Rainbow Dash's active urges had planted themselves inside of Twilight's brain.

It was the fact that she was mortal.

Twilight was a skip away from being twenty; it was the prime time of sexual activity for ponies, and she hadn't done any sort of experimenting years before. To go so long in her life without having had a sexual partner had reached a breaking point today.

And there was nothing wrong with that.

There was nothing wrong with seeking that physical and emotional closeness. Her body and mind had reached an endorphin based tipping point in which it was making up for half a decade of exploration with others in one long, damnable day. It was compromising many levels of who she was and letting loose sides of her she had repressed for so long.

And the more she thought about it, there was nothing wrong with that too. Perhaps it was time for her to just let go for a day and damn the consequences. Perhaps she should ride that wave and realize fighting biology forever was a losing battle baring her becoming a monk. She wasn't really a fan of chanting, and meditation just didn't work well enough for her.

She'd also miss all of Pinkie's food. That was the most important thing of all.

She pondered for a moment, staring at the floor. I could always pleasure myself before going to the spa. Let off some steam...

Pleasuring herself wasn't going to cut it on the intimacy scale, and self pleasure magic was something she really didn't use due to the amount of raw power she could channel, and her - dare she admit it - inexperience in the field. While no longer having a sex drive would help her manage her time even more efficiently she in fact enjoyed having physical pleasure from time to time, like any mare her age did. Sometimes, a mare just needed to stop thinking about a problem and let the primitive parts of their brain go wild.

Besides, Doctor Hooves was stupidly hot and smart. Mmm... and his tower matches the hair. If he wanted to see me sparkle he could just hike up my tail with a good yank, slap my flank cheeks, and-

"Oreos." It was the logical conclusion to solving most of her problems, in addition to slamming her head into the nearest book case. She was an expert in mastering this field, in case the ample amounts of stupidity around her reached a critical mass.

She needed it at this point. She was going insane enough at the simple thought of her friends planning her dating and mating life, her own urges, her internal ramblings, and having to think about something to do for the next hour. It made her forehooves scratch at the floor in agitation.

Something would solve this agitation.


Exhaling sharply from the end of her muzzle Twilight churned to life a purple hammer that buzzed in front of her. She rotated the construct of magic that hummed sweetly in her ears. She smiled.

Well, this should be a basic and yet excellent choice of sexual repression. It's like castration through torture!

With a firm cock back of the hammer, she slammed it directly into her forehead, with expected results.

Twilight hissed in a serpentine manner to prevent herself from swearing for the fourth time that day, but it didn't stop her. She simply mumbled a rapid barrage of Rainbow-approved language at around thirty decibels. She stumbled on her hooves to pull herself away from the site of impact, leaning onto the kitchen counter for support as the hammer shattered at her loss of concentration.

Whatever Equish scholars said about vulgarities and intellect were damn wrong. Sometimes, four and five letter words said more than an entire paragraph could. She let a dozen curse words fly between her teeth without apologizing once.

Perhaps she could consider cursing to be a worthwhile experiment to try. Rainbow did it all the time, and she was relatively mellow. Or not.

It did seem to have a moderately good effect on stopping Twilight's pain though, and making the day just seem a little bit more bearable.

Something's missing, she thought drunkenly, panting as if she had laid an egg. Her forehooves rested firmly on the counter top, pressing as much of her weight as she could down on it to focus on the pleasant high of tickling pain nerves. Something should be here... but isn't. Oh! The Oreos! Silly me, how could I forget?

Her logical side began to offer a logical argument. Be-

You know, I've always wanted to try soul channeling magic. Although I’ve heard it could-

I’ll be quiet.


Her magic thrummed to life as she plopped herself down onto a reading pillow, awaiting the chocolate gold that swirled in front of her in that blue package of sky-clad happiness. Sure, she was half as high as an airship thanks to damaging her forehead, but she didn’t care. It made life that much more wonderful currently.

She didn't even attempt to be civil toward the cookie box. She simply ripped open the top of it with a firm thrum of magic, taking a deep, earthly inhale of the scent inside. That alone sent a shiver of delight to the more primitive parts of her brain.

There was something naughty about not consuming Pinkie Pie's baked goods and going with the chemical sludge pit of mass produced cookies. There was something equally naughty about not following her normal consumption pattern or common decency with the cookies and winging it. With no regards to morality or how barbaric it looked, she dragged her thick tongue over the tops of every cookie in the box, feeling the stamped letters crackle underneath her digestive saliva.

The food was marked as hers, and hers alone.

"Perfect," she purred, smacking her tail with excitement on the floor. "All... mine. My precious chocolate little foals. This day is going to be perfect, the kind of day-"

"Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle! Don't look for those books. They will kill you!"

Twilight's body had suddenly found that being airborne was a fun past time at the voice catching her off guard. Her legs flailed about to find traction as she landed on her back, her snout smashing into the box of cookies. She had ended the mortal lives of a good chunk of them, crushing them into hardened bits of dough. She would forever have to live with her genocidal tendencies.

Silence was all that followed the slamming of the library door.

Spike stared at Twilight.

She was on her back, her forehooves curled up toward her chest and her hair covered in chunks of frosting and chocolate dough. Her mane was like a grape cookie sundae.

Her eyes quivered with a hundred emotions rolling through her mind as she looked back at Spike, who was equally frantic, concerned, and desperate for answers.

They both looked at each other for moments on end, saying nothing.

It was Twilight who broke the silence.

“Spike,” Twilight sniffled, “my friends are trying to control my sex life. Rarity wants me to date Rainbow, and yet Pinkie wants me to date Rarity, but Rainbow wants me to date Applejack. A-a-and Pinkie kissed me... and I liked it. But the Cutie Mark Crusaders saw us, and blackmailed us for Pinkie’s sweets, and told us that Applejack and Rainbow had sex but don't want a relationship, and I just want to let loose but I can’t yet. And my cookies...”

Spike stepped forward to wrap his claws around Twilight's muzzle, stroking through her mane affectionately. “And I caught Rarity and Fluttershy kissing and had to tell them to stop, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders do plan on getting drunk and having sex. And I thought getting laid was just cuddling, but I learned what sex was the hard way, and here I am, back here trying to stop them.”

“First off: AJ and I have totally not had sex, and aren’t dating,” Rainbow said, perched on the library window. “We’re the best of pals, and doing that would ruin what we got. Second: Major props to you, Spike, for realizing Flutters’ loves Rarity so much as a friend. ‘Shy told me about that a few minutes ago. I’m really glad Rarity realizes that too, although they would make a cute couple. Third: Pinkie and you would not work out in any world, Twi'. And fifth: Told you Rares wants to hook us up, and you two would make a killer couple. Although... you and AJ would too, and I guess you found out about that. Crap."

Twilight looked up at Rainbow, blinking. “You skipped fourth.”

Rainbow smiled, shuffling herself on the window as she fluttered her wings. “I was doing it to check if ya weren’t a changeling.”

Twilight and Rainbow's eyes turned toward Spike in sudden fear and realization. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are having sex!?"

"Well not yet," Spike said, "although since they are horrible at flirting, I have a hunch they'll just get drunk and do each other."

“And you’re just going to let them do that?!” Twilight cried.

You’re the one who puts the history of pornography books out in public because you tell me to.” Spike huffed. "Nice going, Twilight."

“And you look at them?” Twilight's purple eyes crackled with energy. "I thought you were more mature than that, Spike."

Rainbow snorted at the last statement, landing beside Twilight and immune to the glare of torture that Twilight shot at her.

Spike continued, his own emerald eyes defiant to Twilight's anger. “No, Twilight, I don’t look at pictures of naked ponies rubbing themselves-of course I do. I just... didn't realize what it was until now. And now I bet they’re looking at them too. So I'm here to stop them. But I guess I'm too late.”

Twilight's horn whirled to life with a high pitched whine, books flying off of the library shelves as she pushed Spike away. Her eyes quickly scanned the dozens of titles in front of her. With every second that passed, she grew more physically angry.

"So why didn't you stop them before?" she said. Her tone was painfully calm.

"Because I was with them and suggested it; since you all were having a night out we thought we could have one in." Spike looked between Rainbow and the line of books circling in the air. "Of course, not knowing what it all meant. Again, your fault, Twilight."

"He has a point," Dash said, poking Twilight's side. "He's getting old enough."

"Shut up, Rainbow," Twilight snapped, the trail of tomes soon enough returning back into their original rows. As the books returned to their rightful homes she took a deep, long inhale of air, closing her eyes to relax.

Spike scratched the back of his head. "Okay. It wasn't the best idea ever, but we can fix this. We-"

"The books aren't bucking here!" Twilight yelled to the heavens, pleading for an invisible force to solve her many woes.

Her skeptical rationalism hadn't earned her any favors with the divine forces of the universe. They didn't respond.

She stared down Spike, a plume of air escaping from her nostrils. "I am grounding you forever, Spike, and we have to-"

Dash extended a forehoof across Twilight's chest, stopping her from moving. "First off, please swear more, because hearing that from you is maybe a top ten bucket list thing for me."

"Choke on-"

"Maybe later, but second, this calls for Fluttershy’s pot. That’ll solve everything.”

Twilight's ears wilted beside her frame, her anger turning into pure melancholy. Her lips pouted, tears forming in her violet eyes, and all hope of a future was gone. It took all of the effort in her body to keep her legs from giving in.

“And now... you want them... to get... high, Rainbow?" Twilight whimpered. "This isn't Equestria. I'm dead. I'm the only one sane. I'm-"

“Well, duh,” Rainbow smirked. She extended her left wing, wrapping it around Twilight as if they were talking about what wonderful skiing trip they were about to take. “They can’t handle pot, so they’ll most likely just pass out. Then, Spike can take the books, and the candy, and hide the alcohol, and then we all can yell at them tomorrow all angry like and they’ll be scared crapless. It also means that we get to do what we wanna do tonight. I’m sure pot’ll be pretty awesome for him since he’s a dragon, and that’s something we should totally study in the future. Think of it as like a reward for him doin’ all of this. And hey, you keep him really pent up, so it's not his fault he got jealous of us. He deserves a night of fun.”

Twilight blinked rapidly in reflection.

Her sadness and anger melted away, replaced by stunning awe that gleamed across her muzzle.

“W-w-wow. Rainbow Dash, your jury-rigged plan completely makes sense, and would work.”

Why didn’t I think of this?

Headache remember? Her logical side had a good point.

I told you to shut, up!

Rainbow couldn't help but squee for the third time that day, grinning like an idiot at the intellectual praise from the intellectual of Ponyville herself. She didn't care how it made her less cool. “I’m not a complete idiot. I’m-”

Twilight stared down Spike, pressing her muzzle into his own. “And when did you learn about sex, and drugs, and alcohol, Spike? This-”

Spike slapped Twilight across the face.

“I’m right freakin’ here," he growled darkly. "you don’t have to yell. Twilight, you need to calm down. Sometimes, a man has to grow-”

Twilight was livid. Steam blew out of her ears at the slap across her face. “Did you-"

“Seriously, calm the buck down,” Rainbow said, slapping the back of Twilight’s head with a wing, knocking off the crumbs in her mane. “We’ll talk to Spike later. For now, we got foals about to break the law that Spike has to stop.”

Spike blinked. "I thought-"

We’re about to get plastered, so saving the world isn’t something I’m up for right now. So you do it. We’ll totally not kill you tomorrow if you do it.”

Spike sighed wearily. “Is pot as awesome as I think it is?”

“When you’re in the right mood, completely amazing,” Rainbow said with a rapid swish of her tail.

I can’t believe I’m letting my little brother get-

You were thirteen when you first did it too. Lyra, and Octavia, and-

I want my mom...

“Alright, I’m gonna do this, and I won't let you all down.” Spike puffed up his scales and frame heroically. “Just... you all have to show me one day what being drunk is all about. And don’t give me-”

“Spike,” Dash said, “eleven year old foals, groping each other. Getting caught.”

Spike roared out of the library at a speed that Rainbow Dash simply whistled at. “Damn," Dash nickered. “That guy’s got some-”

"And you knew that Rarity wanted us to get together all along and you didn't say anything?" Twilight growled at Rainbow, slamming her into a bookshelf with her forehooves. She let a rumbling, feline hiss escape from the end of her muzzle, watching Rainbow’s eyes turn into pinkish dots of fear. "You? Of all my friends, you didn't say anything?"

Dash bit her bottom lip, swallowing down a ball of saliva. "I didn’t tell you because... damn it, I have a crush on you, Twi', and I didn't want to ruin tonight for you. I was afraid to say anything, so I... I said nothing. And I didn't want to hurt your feelings or burst anyponies bubble, so I just went along with wanting to help you score, and-"

Her ears folded at the sides of her frame. "But I got problems I don't wanna drag you into. My current is several hundred miles south than where it needs to be. I just... I just want to make you happy, and I think AJ can do that better than me; she can be your first better than anypony. I didn't think about it at the table, but I did afterwards."

"Give me one reason I shouldn't hate all of you for doing this to me. I'm not some Canterlot courtesan!" Twilight whinnied, yanking her friend up with all her might fused with crackles of purple magic dancing around her forehooves. A cry of pain emanated from Rainbow's throat as she was held up by her chest fluff, pressed into the bookcase without mercy. Twilight's magenta aura pinched Dash's wing bones, sending out a yelp from Rainbow's muzzle.

Rainbow's eyes teared up as she looked down at Twilight. "B-b-because I have the most experience, and I care for you? Because we want to make you happy, Twi'." Rainbow's voice was parched and cracked. "Twilight, please stop. You're hurting me."

"Maybe I want to choose my first, Rainbow Dash. Did anypony think of that?" Twilight growled, pressing her muzzle into Rainbow's. The pressure of her burning magic on Rainbow's mid-back tightened, crackles of lightning dancing around Dash's powerful wing base.

"And we don't w-w-want you to get burned. Twilight, stop, that hurts!” Dash’s eyes watered profusely, her wings tightening at the magic digging into her sides. “Please, stop! It hurts! We're doing this for you.”

"I freaking hate all of you right now!" Twilight said. "And you all controlling me like some pawn doesn’t hurt? Seriously. And you, of all my friends, doesn't respect my doubts on all of this? Rainbow Dash, I'm-"

"Because I love you, Twilight Shimmering Sparkle. I... I love you, Twilight."

Rainbow looked down at Twilight, her tears dripping down her muzzle. "You want to know why I'm so protective of you? Because I got burned on my first, and second, and pony crap, most of my partners. I can handle it. Rarity can, Applejack can. Hay, Pinkie can, and Fluttershy is tougher than she looks. You though..."

Rainbow cried. She could resist no more.

Tears of pain streaked down her snout as she looked into the faltering anger that Twilight gave her. "If I had my horse apples in a row, I'd want you to be my special somepony. N-n-no. Fuck it, my Otherwing. I'd go that far. I love you more than anything, Twilight. And..."

With a crack of shunted magic Twilight pulled away from Rainbow, watching her land on the ground, unable to support her own weight as she wept.

Twilight's own physical strength gave as she feel onto her rump, her forehoof instinctively reaching forward to stroke gently through Rainbow's mane.

"Rainbow, don't you ever use an oath like that! Otherwing's... Otherwing's are-"

Rainbow's wings laid beside her body. Broken. Dead. Lifeless. Simply looking up at Twilight was a Hell all by itself, and yet, she endured. She endured Twilight's watering eyes staring into her own. It was worth it. It was worth it to stare into those violet hues.

"I don't want you to ever feel that pain if I can help it," Rainbow said. "Of being dumped. Rejected. Freakin'... used. I was gonna look over anypony tonight so hard to see if they would hurt you. But Applejack made me realize: Why should you go looking when you have a friend here who can show you everything and help you for the future? That's why. Because I love you more than the Wonderbolts."

"I...I said it. Suck my teats, I said it, and I don't regret saying it, and I'll say it again. And I swear by my ancestors, Twilight, Applejack will show you what... what love can really feel like. I swear by my wings, trust me on this. Because if I didn't fall for you, I would've fallen for her, and I'd give up dating both of you to make sure my two best friends are happy."

"Rainbow Dash..."

Twilight couldn't stop the silent tears pouring down from her own muzzle. Listening to Rainbow pouring her heart out through choked sobs was Tartarus. All she could do was let her friend weep, her anger gone and replaced by listening to a soul release its burden.

She wrapped her forehooves underneath Rainbow's armpits to hold her, letting Rainbow weep quietly into her neck. "Rainbow, why do you hold in these things all the time? You're going to kill yourself from the stress. You're hurting us by doing this."

"Because that's my job, Twilight." Rainbow pulled her muzzle back to look into Twilight's eyes, the magenta glow on her own bloodshot, faded, and weak. "I'd rather die than hurt you all."

"I don't want you to be a martyr, Rainbow! None of us do." Twilight sniffled loudly, clinging to Dash's coat. "Stop this! It... it hurts me. It hurts me to see you doing this to yourself."

Rainbow shook her head. "I... I can't stop. I can't stop holding these things in to make life easier for you, you know? Maybe you see why this is so important to me. Because I want you to never forget your first, and well... Applejack isn't going to hurt you and cry like a bitch. Like me."

She snorted loudly, wiping her nose with a forehoof. "So yeah." Rainbow chuckled snidely. "Feel free to break my wings now. Just gag me, so the police don't come. I'll say I broke them in some-"

A forehoof gently placed itself on Dash's lips, Twilight's violet eyes staring into the deep magenta of Rainbow's own.

"Rainbow Lightning Dash." Twilight let her friend's full name hover in the air. She stroked through the prismatic flow of Rainbow's mane. Her ears wilted as she looked into the bloodshot orbs of Rainbow's, listening to every faint whimper that trundled out of her muzzle. They were all one whimper too many.

"Kiss me," Twilight said. "Convince me with your lips. Show me what you think Applejack can show me. Show me what you think you can't show me."

"This isn't about me," Rainbow said, shaking her muzzle. "Sometimes you have to give up something you want for something you need. I want you, but I don't need you. I... I need... Rarity. I need a girl like her who can handle me, and help me grow. A-a-and you need Applejack. She's dependable, and strong, and stable. I'm not being selfish; I'm being honest. Please, you can break my heart, Twi', but don't make me see yours-"

Twilight finished the sentence for Rainbow.

Her muzzle tilted to the side, letting the fuzzy tip of her snout fur rub into Rainbow's before it connected to her lips. "Kiss me once, and I'll get Rarity for you if you want her. But if things don't work out between any of us, let me decide if I want you."

Dash's left forehoof stroked underneath Twilight's chin as their muzzles reconnected, her lips sealing and slowly melting away. It connected as quickly as it pulled back, letting their snout tips bump together teasingly.

Twilight loved every moment of it. Her horn flared to life to gently stroke the sides of Rainbow's thick coat with faint trickles of her magic, her tongue reaching out to lick over Rainbow's nose.

Rainbow would have none of that. Her teeth reached out to nip at the bottom of Twilight's lip, sending forth a gentle huff of delight from Twilight's muzzle, only egging her on. Rainbow pressed into the kiss, her forehooves skimming through the long locks of Twilight's flowing mane, brushing through the waterfall of smooth perfection.

The two mares were in their own world, letting the faint pops of their snouts gently breaking apart, the sinful licks of their tongues nipping each other's own, and the peaceful sedation of love and life fill their hearts.

Twilight pressed Rainbow's back onto the bookshelf once again, although with passion instead of rage. It forced both of them to stand up on their hind legs as she pinned her forehooves onto Rainbow’s. The kiss continued, growing louder with each passing second as Dash’s wings wrapped around Twilight’s purple coat, giving her a firm, protective squeeze. The feathery nub tips of her wings slid down Twilight's body, kneading her cutie mark to send bolts of stimulation across Twilight's flank cheeks. Their tongues merged together inside of Rainbow's muzzle, letting gentle trickles of saliva and their quiet huffs fill their lungs and ears with the pleasantries of the moment. Nothing else mattered.

This... is what love must feel like. If Rainbow wants me to have this, why can’t she give it to me?

Because she’s afraid of hurting you, and even that tiny chance is too much for her, Twilight. Stop. Either let her continue herself, or stop. That’s what she wants; it’s what she’s wanted this whole time. For you to find someone special, so you never have to go through what she has. She was just too afraid to admit it.

The kiss ended far too soon for Twilight's liking. Her lips pulled back, her eyes gently looking up at the pinkish rubies of Rainbow's own staring quietly at her.

“You would've ruined the whole night for everypony just to protect me wouldn't you?” Twilight asked. "If none of this had happened you would have done this in public."

Rainbow faintly panted from the kiss, her tongue hanging out of her muzzle as her forehooves held softly onto Twilight's sides. "I'm... not exactly... the best when it comes to tactics. I-"

Twilight ruffled through Rainbow's mane messily. She snorted darkly, shaking her snout from side to side. “Your logic is so messed up and so right at the same time. You really are deeper then you look, Rainbow."

Rainbow chuckled meekly. "And... well... I'm kinda a bit of a bitch like that. Comes with my price tag. No one touches purple butt without my approval. Even if you hate it too, Twi’, I just can’t let you get hurt. You’d have to break my wings and legs to stop anypony from hurting you. Even you hurting yourself.”

Twilight slapped Rainbow's thighs loudly at her snide comment, only to hiss to herself afterwards as she shook her hooves in pain. “Damn it, Rainbow! Jeez, I never knew your flank was so... hard. And I feel better after doing all of that. And the yelling. And the kissing.”

“Man, I guess all the karate, and staff fighting, and flying, and working out really didn't do anything." Rainbow stuck out her tongue playfully, her mane ruffled wildly by Twilight once again. "Huh. Should try-”

“And Rarity’s flank is... slightly hard underneath," Twilight pondered.

Rainbow’s cerise eyes opened wide at the statement. “And you know this because?...”

The grin spreading over Twilight's muzzle grew with every passing second. “Because she does yoga, and I’m sure you’d enjoy that, just like AJ can teach me... heh, ropes.”

A faint, glowing blush began to appear across Rainbow’s cheeks. “W-well I-”

Twilight pressed her advantage, raising her eyebrows suggestively at the increasingly cherry colored glow spreading across Rainbow's muzzle. “And she’s really good at doing a lot of ‘controlled’ magic.”

Dash was not currently capable of words. “U-U-hh-”

Twilight was grinning far too widely for her own good. “I think it’s time for Rarity to taste a bit of her own medicine. Right, Rainbow? So if Applejack, you, and me work together I think we can outsmart the minx at her own game.”

“S-s-scaring me again, Twilight,” Dash whimpered.

“Oh, I scare myself sometimes, but that’s part of the game, Rainbow Dash. Rarity can play Chess. But I play Mahjong.”

Chapter Eleven: Truth Or Dare With A Change Of Hair

View Online

It was all coming into place for Rarity.


The day had gone more awry than was usual for the Elements of Harmony, and the stress was nipping at Rarity's hooves to the point it felt like she was standing on hot coals. That sort of thing tended to happen when one spent a thousand bits.

That thought alone scared her. She had not spent that much money on any one thing not related to her business since the Gala more then two years ago. Except this time, it was raw cash instead of goods. It only made the thought that much more hellish. An item was an item. A debit card was a debit card. She had decided to purposely torture herself by using platinum bits, and on reflection she could not remember why she had decided to torture herself so.

It was a good thing she could repress and compact such thoughts as once in a lifetime purchases. It also happened to help that Twilight would thank her for eternity for finding her first playmate. And perhaps, permanent marefriend, if everything went according to Rarity's plan.

At least... the improvised plan of genius that Rarity was so fabulous at making.

One must always compliment themselves during strokes of genius, and Rarity Gemma, you should be damn proud of what you have done tonight! Soon, everything will trot into place.

The six Elements had gathered at Lotus and Aloe's Spa as the sun began its long curve over the horizon, all of them mentally preparing themselves for whatever fashion bomb Rarity was surely keen on dropping on top of them.

What they didn't expect was it to be so... mild.

Rarity, truly meaning what she had said about the changes to their manes and tails being mild? No hidden context? Good, let them think that, Rarity hummed inside of her head. Let them think that indeed.

There was much to do, and so little time to do it. Her friends did not know how much she had in stock for them for now and for later. She'd be lying to herself if she wasn't scared herself in how exactly everything would fall into place, but perhaps that too was part of the adventure and mystery of it all. There were so many variables, and not all of them were within her control.

Perhaps Rainbow Dash is right in some weird way, she thought. The unknown, as Twilight would say.

The plan was left in the hooves of her friends and her own silver tongue pulling them along toward the path she wanted them to take. It was a plan that spoke of a mad cocktail of what Rainbow and Twilight would come up with in some twisted, dark world. Hopefully, Rarity could control it.


There was no thick mud bath or fancy steam therapy or sensual massages waiting for them; they would need all of the energy that those would have sucked out of them for later. Other than Applejack beginning their treatment with a bottle of hard cider for each of them, it started out simple enough with a firm shampooing and conditioning of their coats to bring out the most that they had to offer naturally without going formal. If it only lasted for a day it was enough that Rarity thought it was worth it, and it satisfied an obsessive side of her personality that wanted the grooming to be from mane to hoof.

The Elements' manes and tails were being tirelessly preened by a dozen ponies, their hair underneath silver domes that soaped and shaped them to Rarity's delight. That was the most important part of the process, as a mane and tail could be the accent that caught ponies' eyes. Eye catching was the goal of tonight, and Rarity knew that she could help them all stand out even more than they already did.

They chatted casually as they were being groomed, the alcohol that they had consumed earlier - although that was currently a state secret - and the current bottles of Angry Apple Cider in their hooves making the affair more peaceful. They had all needed it, and they would be lying to themselves if alcohol did not relax them, or keep them all functioning in general.

It was time for Rarity to begin the Game. Truth, or Dare. With a bit of alcohol flowing and relaxation on their minds it was surely going to be a game of the ages.

What better time to start then in the middle of a makeover? She wanted to throw them off guard. Make them have to think about her intentions. Let them think I have something planned that I don't.

"You know," Twilight said, "Rarity, I never thought that you would be true to not going overboard, not that I... think you are a liar or anything." She clopped her forehooves together nervously in that adorable manner that she did.

Twilight's words pulled Rarity away from her mental conversation, Twilight's sweet voice breaking Rarity's trail of thought. Oh I hope to one day have a foal like her, her mind randomly commented.

She sighed at the thought of a foal with Twilight's voice, intellect, cunning, beauty, and sweetness. That is, if I can stand the little bastard. Bloody screaming in your ears and ruining your sleep. Diapers, maintenance, the stress. Even Twilight was like that once.

Rarity had enough experiences with childish nobles for a lifetime and didn't need a screaming foal that had ruined her posterior by coming out of her. They are adorable when they aren't your own, though. Most of the time. Love you, Sweetie Belle.

"I just think it's time that after over three years of our hair styles being static to try something new." Rarity looked over at Twilight with endearment, giving her a playful wink. "Besides, it will keep to who we are as ponies." She waved a forehoof toward Rainbow. "And come now, I think Rainbow Dash is foaming at the gums to see me mud wrestle Applejack."

She glanced toward Rainbow, rolling her eyes at the glowing smile that spread across Rainbow's muzzle and the lifted eyebrow that Applejack gave Rainbow in return. Rarity was unsure if Rainbow would enjoy the wrestling for innocent or not innocent reasons. Both, most likely. "Please be a dear and realize extensive monetary expenses and dirty mud wrestling aren't things I normally enjoy. Trust me. I'm not a shopaholic, and as much fun as I had running with my sister there is only so much dirty I can do before I have a seizure."

"Uhh, duh?" Rainbow said, her forehooves curled toward her chest. The manure eating grin across her snout was legendary. "Who doesn't find mud wrestling stupidly hot? And I kind of get off to seeing you squirm in agony, Rares. I don't hate you or anything, but your flailing is the greatest flailing ever."

Rarity winced at the jab that Rainbow threw her way, taking a sip of her cider in compensation. Drinking such a basic - and yet delicious - drink during her pampering felt fashionably wrong, but it wasn't her fault Applejack made such good cider.

"Seriously, this deep mane massage is... mmm. It should be banned for how good it feels." Rainbow sighed in a peaceful manner that few of her friends had ever heard before. She faintly shivered at the Earth mare rubbing her scalp and snout, clearly on her own cloud nine.

Rarity waved a forehoof casually at Rainbow. '"Yes, yes, Rainbow, you enjoy musky mares and make me contemplate sending a needle inside of you. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I do think it's time we begin our little fun now though, no?"

Her friends turned their heads to look at her in bemusement.

"Anything we can't do now we do when our manes are done, and when we are out of the manes of our wonderful hostesses and their employees' talented hooves." Rarity smiled softly. "Let's just keep it... 'relatively' civil."

"Rarity has a point," Pinkie said, stroking her chin with a forehoof. "Today has been weird, even for us. So why not do extra stuff early? I like this idea!"

"Besides, if it gets too intense for us I brought my best batch of cannabis from Amstabledam," Fluttershy hummed happily, clopping her hooves together. "If Rarity is being so nice, I can be too!"

She unstrapped a small clip-on box from behind her left wing, resting it on her stomach. Her aqua eyes gleamed in excitement, as if she were Twilight about to talk about a new theory that was sending a shock wave through the scientific world.

"This batch was grown by the royal family, and I had to have it imported, including the soil." She tittered in rapid excitement, blushing at the energy flowing through her body. "I haven't even tried it yet. I've heard it might be the best in all of Ungulia. Very expensive too, but for my friends, I can't think of any way I'd rather use it."

"Nice!" Rainbow squeed. She was setting a current record for the amount of squees she had done in a month in a single day. "Fluttershy, you have the best weed in Equestria. Why didn't I think that you wouldn't bring some today? Oh my gosh, tonight is going to be killer!"

Twilight croaked, choking on a ball of alcohol in her throat that didn't exist. "Fluttershy, are you insane? You are in a public building. We could get arrested, or worse!"

"I... don't think we've been arrested for any of the stuff we've done," Applejack said. "And we've done a lot."

"Yes, Twilight," Rarity said, "we've saved the world four times and you're the Princess' pupil. And don't forget we all know her on a first name basis. Therefore she's going to arrest you and disown you for smoking marijuana like most university aged ponies do."

She leaned toward Twilight, covering her muzzle with a disgusted gasp. "Woe to you for betraying her trust like that. Almost ruining her niece's wedding? A scolding. But getting high? The nerve of you, mare."


Twilight's friends collectively stared at her as she tried to make a counter argument, their eyes turning into lithe slits at Twilight fumbling for words. The only result was her letting out a deep, loud groan in defeat.

Fluttershy opened the box gently. "Would you like some now, Twilight? I think you could use some. If the hair massages aren't working this might do it for you."

"I told her earlier she needed to calm the hay down, but she didn't listen to me." Rainbow said, sticking out her tongue with a wink.

It was impossible for Rarity not to notice the wink. Oh? Did the two have some early dippings? Rarity pondered. No. Twilight would be high already from what I've heard Rainbow is capable of. Perhaps...

"Yeah, Twi'," Applejack said, patting Twilight's stomach gently. "Now I don't normally suggest this, but... you might need an early hit of reefer." She shook her muzzle. "I can't believe I just said that, but sometimes... weird things happen in Ponyville. Even from me."

"I do not!" Twilight growled softly, her eyes scanning around the room. "And don't pat my stomach, Applejack. I don't need any more reinforcement of how fat I am."

Rarity and Pinkie Pie sighed loudly. "Here we go again," they said in unison.

"I am fat." Twilight cried, pointing to her soft stomach. "Just look at me!"

"We talked about this already, Twilight," Pinkie said flatly, suckling on her hard cider. "You aren't fat. And if you are that worried about it, we'll help you. Right, Rainbow?"

"Sure, sure," Rainbow rumbled, waving a wing dismissively at the comment, "but Twi' looks hot to me." Rainbow grinned. "I've always been a fan of husky mares though, so I'm kinda bias and all. And come on, you're adorkable. Now all you need is a ponytail, and some glasses, and-"

Twilight growled like a feral dog at Rainbow, which only caused her to cackle loudly at Twilight's anger.

Rarity could not stop herself from grinning. It seems I was right after all. They have wonderful chemistry with each other, even if Twilight denies it. Wonderful... chaotic... chemistry.

Applejack wrapped a forehoof around Twilight's shoulder, giving her a gentle, loving squeeze. "Now if ya are that concerned about yer weight I'm sure we can help ya, Twi'. 'Sides, I'm two twenty, and that's almost as heavy as most non-Earth pony colts."

"I told you," Rarity sang. "You really need to let yourself go about your weight problems and relax, sweetie. Now let it all out so we can help you right here and right now. What is your normal weight, darling?"

"One eighty six," Twilight mumbled, averting her gaze.

"Aha! I'm one ninety three. There, dear, you are lighter than me ideally, so you can't broker some argument about your weight. I'm sure if you are as paranoid as you are we can get you down to what you want to be. It isn't as if we don't have two if the fittest ponies in Ponyville here who can more than happily help you with your goals."

She really needs a confidence boost. Hence, Rainbow Dash is perfect for her, since Rainbow can help her as she helps Rainbow.

Rarity's mind wandered silently at the hundreds of little verbal snips that Twilight and Rainbow would jab at each other in a relationship. Hundreds of little pricks at each other's weak spots to elevate their blood pressure.

Or... maybe not Rainbow, when I think about it. She did her best not too.

Fluttershy gently sniffed the box on her stomach to smell the contents inside, shivering at the faint scent wafting from the ornate container. "I'm one eighty five, but I don't do anything other than my job, so I can't really help you, Twilight."

Dash spread her wings casually, stroking down the powerful muscles connected to her back with her forehooves. "One hundred and eighty one pounds of lean muscle and perfection."

Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight groaned at Rainbow's self ego boost.

Rainbow continued, a sly grin etched on her muzzle. "Twilight, I'll give you a girlmance promise: If ya wanna trim down you can't go wrong with me. I won't kill you by making you work out to death. It might feel like it, but I won't. 'Sides, seeing you all-"

Rarity pressed her forehooves together loudly, watching her friends' eyes turn toward her. "How about we change the subject before Twilight decides to kill us all-I'm not a fan of Twilight testing out a new kind of lethal magic-are any of you-good."

Her friends opened their mouths to reply but were quickly shot down. "Let us start with six rounds for now, since we have some very important places we must go to after this."

"Where are we going afterwards?" Pinkie asked, her eyes glancing at the staff. "You never told us after you screamed at Applejack and Rainbow. To a bar? This is a lot of haircare just to go to a bar, Rarity."

"And you do seem very excited about it, Rarity," Twilight said, sipping her cider.

"If it's one of them high-end bars I need ta go back to the farm and get something with some real kick," Applejack said.

"I would never force you all to have fancy hairdos and then take you to some fancy bar without your approval," Rarity huffed, folding her forehooves across her chest. "I am insulted that you would think of me in that way, Applejack. I assure you that it is a place all six of us will enjoy with plenty of alcohol and antics."

"Even me?" Fluttershy said, a faint blush touching her cheeks. "Not that... I don't like having fun."

Rarity giggled to herself. "You can become quite the mare with enough alcohol inside of you, Fluttershy. Even you."

Her friends looked at each other and shrugged. They had been promised again and again that Rarity had good intentions for them, and she was paying for it. Freeriding off of Rarity was something that all of them agreed on.

I'm not stupid, dears. Rarity felt her nostrils twitch as she looked over her friends. I know full well you all know I am planning something. Go ahead, think your thoughts. I will not stop you. "Rainbow, since I'm the one paying for all of this I get to go first. Truth, or Dare?" Time to push Dash into the fire quickly.

And yet, Rarity mentally blinked at the sheer magenta in Rainbow's eyes as they looked back at her. It wasn't just the color in those beautiful orbs that threw her off, but dare she admit it it was the calculus that reflected off of the faint twitches going across Rainbow's face. Those micro expressions that Rarity had so trained herself to read were flexing across her muzzle.

I've never seen her think so hard, Rarity thought. What is she up too? Does she think she can outsmart me? It doesn't matter. It is time to throw a curve ball, so to speak. This isn't a game she can play to win around me.

"Dare." Rainbow said it as quickly as Rarity had expected her too.

Rarity slowly smirked. "When our hair is done I want you to make out with Applejack for thirty seconds. I said 'mostly' civil, and kissing is very mild, don't you think?"

The way the heat sank from Dash's blue cheeks made Rarity burst out into a deep, belly shaking laugh, despite her best intentions not too. She couldn't keep her composure as Applejack's face joined the raw horror of Dash's own.

Pinkie Pie wasn't far behind in joining with Rarity's laughter either, and nor was the formerly tortured Twilight free from bursting into hysterics at what Rainbow was dared to do. Fluttershy too began to giggle in mirthful delight as they watched Rainbow and Applejack glance at each other as if they were caught passing love letters in class.

"Yes!" Pinkie squealed, her voice cracking as a hiccup burst from her muzzle. "And the crowd, goes, wild!"

"Thank you, Rarity," Twilight giggled, her laughter merging into quick snorts of delight. "This will be worth everything I've been put through today."

"I am here to serve my lovely Twilight," Rarity said, tipping her muzzle toward Twilight.

"Twilight!" Applejack growled, "how could ya laugh at this? Dasha and I are-"

"Most likely kissing when we don't see you?" Rarity cooed, fluttering her eyelashes at Applejack. "Half of the town knows you two are into each other."

Applejack snarled at Rarity. "Yer're bein' a mighty large bitch right now, Rarity."

"Yeah," Rainbow said, "if you can pardon our screw you."

Twilight wiped her nose with a forehoof, her cheeks flushed red. "Schadenfreude is something I find extremely funny," she said, "and more so when it's with my friends. I've always been a fan of it, but I love it even more so thanks to Rainbow. I have to do something to keep myself from going insane, and if it means you two having to come to me to talk about your relationship-"

"You are the worst on the coolness scale, Twilight." Dash said. "Applejack's my girl. I can't-"

"Oh so you two have been dating?" Fluttershy gasped. "Congratulations!" A barely shown smirk appeared on the corner of her mouth.

Oh how we have corrupted you, Fluttershy, Rarity smiled mentally.

Fluttershy nickered happily. "I always knew-"

"Pinkie, Truth or Dare?" Dash said between her teeth, her cheeks a solid red more akin to the hair in her mane. She folded her forehooves in protest, looking at Applejack's equally heated cheeks.

All Rarity could do was smirk to herself. Think I'm setting you and Twilight up, hmm, Dash?

"Dare. You all know that I never stop speaking the truth about myself anyways," Pinkie said, sighing into the massaging of her tail. "Ohh... Dashie is right, this feels way too good to have ponies squeezing my cotton candy. Well... the legally allowed to squeeze in public kind."

A confident smile slowly returned to Rainbow's muzzle, glancing for just the shortest of moments at Rarity. "After I make out with Applejack," she whispered, "you have to spend thirty seconds massaging and kissing one of her cutie marks."

Even if Rarity had the most expensive and grandest tasting bottle of wine from the most sacred orders of Prench monks she would of shot it out of her mouth as if Applejack had bucked her rib cage at the dare.

Her mind equally agreed. The hay!? I... ohh... I can't... that is just priceless!

"Okie dokie!" Pinkie said casually, as if she were asked to put sprinkles on some ice cream. "I showed Twilight earlier how good I am with massages, so Applejack will get to feel them too!"

Applejack slammed her forehooves on her chair, forcing the two colts who were grooming her tail and mane to jump back for their lives. "Ya shittin' me, RD? After what Rarity wants? You freakin' butch camel droppin'; go stick a wild hog's tusk up your vag."

It was too much for the other Elements of Harmony. They broke out into tear producing laughter, despite the river of vulgarities pouring out of Applejack's muzzle. Rainbow seemed unphased by the threat that Applejack directed at her.

While the staff stared at each other as the Elements cried themselves hoarse in bliss, Rarity's mind was churning at the simple sight of Applejack being more annoyed than perhaps Rarity had ever seen her friend in her entire life. Oh this is... Oh, I think I pulled an organ I didn't know I had!

"Okay, okay," Twilight panted. "I have no right to be angry for the rest of the night. This is just too incredible. This is astronomically amazing. Applejack, I'm sorry you've been the blunt of the jokes today, but..."

She grinned darkly at Applejack. "Okay, I'm not sorry, because-"

Applejack huffed at Twilight. "Ya better not be hopin' you taste of grape, Twilight, 'cause I am half tempted to squeeze you dry."

Twilight's cheeks turned fiery crimson from the comment, the gales of joy picking up once more, sending everypony but Twilight and the staff into a wheezing hail of panting gasps.

Even Pinkie Pie was barely alive from the amount of air she had let loose from her lungs, a rarity all by itself. ""If... if you all are hurting my body then... Fluttershy, Truth or Dare?"

"Truth," Fluttershy said, her cheeks flushed from giggling, "because I'm not drunk or high yet, so I can't do dares. If... that's okay."

"Oh don't worry about it," Pinkie nickered playfully, "you're so much fun and silly tipsy, so it's okay! But this still isn't an easy one but that's the point of the game. If you had to to roll in the hay with any of us, who would it be?"

Fluttershy leaned back in her chair, staring up at the ceiling in contemplation. "Well... Rarity's bed is uncomfortable, and I'd most likely pull a wing, so sorry, Rarity."

"Fluttershy!" Rarity cried, throwing her forehooves into the air and almost hitting an attendant, "my bed is firm and supportive-"

"It would be awful for creative positions,” Fluttershy continued, “and as a mare who does yoga you should be ashamed to not have a soft bed for sensual pleasure. Despite how the pony spine can adjust to many things, I don't think making love on a rock is something I'd...umm... enjoy."

Rarity was a sputtering, flailing mess as the other four Elements hollered themselves raw. It is one thing for her to dodge what we did earlier today, but it is another thing entirely for her to just-

"You just... you just got owned by Fluttershy!" Dash cracked, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Please let me out of this chair. I'm going to pee myself! I can't... this is the greatest moment, of, my, life."

Oh I will get you under my horn and ram it straight up your behind, Rainbow Dash. Rarity growled at Rainbow mentally, content to let her sapphire eyes convey the hatred inside of her soul at her. It made Rainbow's squeals that much louder.

"We will do exactly that," Lotus mumbled. "You all should be glad to know we are trained professionals. At least I can say we are proud of our work."

Rainbow opened her mouth. "But what about Fluttershy's-"

"As much as we enjoy the loyalty of Miss Rarity and Miss Fluttershy," Aloe added, "we think you six are getting a bit... rowdy. Yes, sister?"

Rarity could not stop herself from grinning. It was all coming down to this. This one moment that would be the catalyst to the rest of their night. The moment that would begin the long, epic night of fun and romance that Rarity so desperately craved.

Reveal one Rainbow Dash...

With the hiss of a parting mane and tail dryer Rainbow didn't even try to get up in the normal and respectful manner a normal pony would. She pushed herself off of her chair with her forehooves, flipping through the air to land on the ground. "Alright, I'm gonna be so ticked off if-"

What was once formerly a chromatic and cropped mane had become a typhoon of wild and berserk hair that made Rainbow's friends gasped in unison.


Rainbow was wide eyed at the waterfall of colors that rolled down to nearly her mid-back. It was a long river of vibrant lights chained down by a ponytail that began at the back of her snout and cascaded down her neck and the front of her shoulders. It was an arced rainbow of sharp, bright hair that freely twirled and intermingled with the gentle flick of her snout. It was as freespirited as the mare it was attached to.

Her tail was hiked up slightly higher than it normally was by a clear tail wrap at the base of her tail. And yet it too was an equally spirited and flowing vortex of prismatic due. Longer by half a hoof, Dash's tail showed off more of her lean and tight hindquarters trained by years of flying, martial arts, and fitness exercises. Every movement of her withers gave the most subtle of teasing looks with every trot she made to show what she had spent thousands of hours of her life training to her body to become.

One point for Rarity.

"I... I'm... I'm beautiful." It came out as if Rainbow ever doubted her physique or what she could become if she showed off her physical beauty. She turned around swiftly to watch her new mane and the thick strings of hair dance on the momentum she generated. A dozen strands of her mane and tail flailed in the wind behind her as she moved, becoming a fanning rainbow in the light.

By the time Applejack was pulled free there was only a few seconds between her standing on all fours and gaining her footing and the sudden contact of Rainbow giving Applejack everything she could with her tongue.

It was unexpected, and yet not quite at the same time. Rarity could not stop herself from grinning as Applejack's and Rainbow's muzzles collided.

And now two points for me. One never doubts the released sexual desires of two pent up best friends that truly just need to sit down, rut each other, and get it over with. Although they are... a bit... adamant about it right now though. Even for them.

Applejack's mane and tail had been untangled, unhinged, cleaned up, and let loose. There was nothing complex about what had been done to it, but it clearly struck a chord with Rainbow, who caught Applejack off guard to the point she fell back into her chair, stumbling and spitting in confusion.

Applejack's blond mane and tail needed no length added; it simply needed to be unhinged from its hat and tie, its golden locks of thick, dense silk falling open like wild grain waving in the prairie winds. The bundles of wheat that Applejack let grow for so long were now exposed to the world. She was a beautiful blond to the point Rarity felt a pang of envy.

And Rainbow seemed to love every moment of it.

She dug her forehooves into and through the wall of Applejack's mane that fought her every stroke. Whatever resistance Applejack could have done had vanished as the sounds of their lips and tongues colliding echoed in the air. Rainbow pressed herself into Applejack as their snouts rubbed into one another, straddling her waist.

Applejack returned the favor, stroking through the hundred braids of Rainbow's mane with a forehoof while her other one groped Rainbow's firm behind, digging into the flesh. The two mares seemed oblivious to the world, letting their dancing tongues and lips speak for themselves.

"Holy crap." Pinkie whispered, "is everypony kissing everypony today? And-"

She gasped loudly, leaping out of her chair to look at her mane. "Oh my gosh, Rarity, it's amazing!"

Three points.

Pinkie's mane didn't need an extensive overhaul in length either, but it was time for her to see herself as not just cute, but stunning. Her energy and youthfulness could be used for great effect, and Rarity sought exactly that.

Most of the puff in Pinkie's mane had been gently gel brushed back and stroked out, ending its tips in swirling curls that accented Pinkie's natural personality. It was still a mass of cotton candy, but more alike to the finest swirls of polished sugar than the wild pour it once was. Groomed to the right of her snout, it still rolled over her cheeks to gently touch her shoulders. Her tail had been polished to stand out as well, groomed more like a 'proper' pony tail, but it too was a jubilant mass of pink sugar that just didn't want to conform to what most ponies thought tails should do.

Pinkie Pie didn't seem to mind how normal and yet bouncy her new hair looked. She loved it so much she simply tackled Rarity straight out of her chair the moment Rarity attempted to get a better look, knocking her onto the floor.

"Oh my gosh, Rarity, it's so pretty!" Pinkie squeed, applying an ample kiss to Rarity's muzzle. "And oh my gosh, you and me can be sisters!"

A dark sigh escaped Rarity's muzzle. "Thank you, Pinkie, for slamming me out of my chair like you are keen to do-don't pet me I'm not a pettable object!"

Rarity's own mane had been simplified for the future chaos that was sure to unfold later that night. Gently weaving down her back and the corners of her cheeks, the wall of purple hair was a curtain of mystical beauty that ended in small, accenting curls. It had been unlocked from the extremely long helix that it once had been.

To Rarity, it aged her down, and made her look and feel like the vibrant young mare that she was. It was something different, and yet... something refreshing.

Her tail too was more gravity approved except on the very end, curving upwards into small little twirls of purple decorations, free from the swirl it nearly always was.

In fact, the more she thought about-

Are Rainbow and Applejack still kissing!?

Indeed they were. Lotus and Aloe dragged their forehooves across their muzzles as they let Applejack and Rainbow go at each other’s snout and tongue, leaving the other four Elements watching in awe.

Rainbow had straddled Applejack's thighs far more erotically than Rarity had ever wanted to see, showing off the definition in her flank cheeks from years of physical training in a manner that she feared would be burned into her brain for decades to come. She stroked through Applejack’s mane and snout cheeks as if they were strippers about to give a show, and Applejack seemed more than keen to agree with her. She was equally as infatuated with Rainbow, sensually stroking down her lean frame as they deeply kissed, ending her caress with a loud slap on Rainbow's blue thighs.

Well... that escalated-

“Don’t you quote memes without my permission, Rarity.” Pinkie Pie huffed down at her, booping her on the horn.

“Oh sod off, Pinkie," Rarity shot back, ignoring how her friend could read her mind. "I said it when we faced all of those changelings the second time around. Don't you remember?”

Pinkie prodded Rarity's muzzle once more, her eyes staring into Rarity's own. “I’m watching you,” she growled.

“And I think I’ve watched enough of you two making out,” Twilight said, pulling Rainbow and Applejack apart with a crackle of red energy. Twilight's own mane and tail didn’t need much altering either; why alter what already made her beautiful to begin with? With some unclogging of her flat and flowing mane her hair was able to freely flow over her forehead and shoulders, lushly bouncing in the air with every turn of her muzzle.

When Applejack and Rainbow caught their saliva covered and panting bearings Rarity couldn’t help but grin at the way the Dash's eyes followed every little movement in Twilight's mane. Twilight clearly noticed, and she didn't seem to be very amused in how Rainbow was going from Applejack to herself in her seductive cravings.

It only showed the excellence in taste that Rarity had for Rainbow to be unable to control herself even worse than she already did.

Four points for me, she hummed.

Fluttershy was tittering herself to death in excitement over the current show of love, clearly overjoyed at Applejack's and Rainbow's passionate make out. With her mane flowing forward and pulled from behind her neck, it made a misty river of gentle pink roll over the side of her cheek more smoothly than ever before. Her tail was lifted up just a pinch to keep it from catching on the ground. She looked more stunning than she had in her entire life.

And now I am jealous, Rarity whimpered. Why can't my tail do that?

Her tail held a grudge against her for years of twirling abuse.

“I’m so happy for you two,” Fluttershy said, hovering in the air excitedly. “It's wonderful that you two enjoy each other. Sexual attraction is natural and a good start to a loving and long term relationship.”

Rarity simply sighed, both mentally and aloud. And perhaps... a bit obvious, but it makes you adorable, Fluttershy.

Rainbow sputtered as reality once again decided to grace her mind in addition to the flood of chemicals going through her system. She tried to speak, but it only sent out a trundle of mixed spittle from her muzzle that was stained a fiery cherry.

The look of determined ‘disgust’ on Twilight’s snout slowly became a giggling, laughing gale of force as she looked at Applejack and Rainbow. Whatever composure she formerly had was lost.

“I’m trying to think of something to say about how I knew this was coming,” Twilight said, “but I just-”

“Don’t, say, anything,” Applejack growled. She shoved Rainbow off of her as she pulled herself up onto her hooves. "Don't, say, anything."

She trotted past Twilight with a snap of her thick tail. It cracked across Twilight's side, only resulting in more bursts of delight echoing from Twilight's mouth at her failed attempts to hide her laughter.

“I think we’ve done enough in this place," Applejack huffed, glancing at her friends. "And my thoughts on my self-control. I’ll be outside, washin’ my mouth of the shame.”

“M-m-maybe we should go,” Fluttershy squeaked, lowering herself in front of Lotus and Aloe. “We have... umm... been a bit rude to Lotus and Aloe.”

Rarity shoved Pinkie Pie off of her, sending her twirling through the air to crash on her back. Pinkie Pie would be alright.

“Fluttershy,” Rarity said, wiping off whatever germs Pinkie had contaminated her with, “they knew full well what they were getting themselves into. Mostly. They have been duly compensated for our antics, I assure you. But perhaps you are... right.” She chuckled nervously, her cheeks flushing red as she looked at Lotus and Aloe. “Although maybe-”

Lotus and Aloe nodded.

Rainbow did her best to instantly forget what she had just done by distracting both herself and everypony around her. She flew into the air with a spin around the room, a wide, confident smile spread across her muzzle.

“Alright, time to bring down the house with our amazing new looks,” Rainbow cheered, back flipping through the air. She stopped mid rotation to look at the dozens of dancing strands of her tail, whistling in approval. “Damn I look good. I never-”

“Oww!” Pinkie cried, covering her muzzle, “Rainbow, that’s my eye! Don’t leak in my eye. I don’t have insurance on my eye!”

“Leak?" Rainbow said, looking down at Pinkie Pie, "I’m not pee-oh crap-hey look, Soarin’!”

Rainbow burst from the spa with a thunderous crackle of air forming behind her, colliding into Applejack's rear end to send both of them tumbling onto the ground in an almost comical manner.

“Applejack," Pinkie called wistfully, "you might want to wash your hiney too, cause you are leaking a bit.” Pinkie hummed idly in the manner that she was famous for, bouncing out of the spa to look down at her fallen comrades as if nothing had happened only a few moments before. Every bounce made her semi-straight tail swish in the air, the puffy appendage complementing her every jump.

Rarity almost had a heart attack.

She wished she had the mental and physical strength to scream at picturing Applejack's and Rainbow's manes being ruined, but she didn't. The sheer horror was enough to cause her organs to fail.

And yet, oddly enough, their manes were in perfect order, despite the high speed impact that resulted in Rainbow being splayed over Applejack like a carpet.

She just wouldn't question the universe on how their new manes retained their shape and shine. It seemed the universe was fashionably in-tune with the Elements of Harmony. She was alright with that, and oblivious to the entertainment the universe received from them in return.

Applejack looked up at Pinkie, accepting Rainbow on top of her yet again for reasons she could not logically explain either. “Go suck a cinnamon stick from an elephant's rectum, Pinkie,” Applejack neighed, turning her snout around to burn her repressed lesbianism anger into Pinkie's eyes.

It only resulted in a squeal of laughter echoing from Pinkie's mouth at the insult being directed at her. She had become used to the swearing that her friends did, accepting their half fake anger at them not realizing how funny they were being.

“If you start rubbin’ my cheeks, I swear, Pinkie, I will throw you into a buildin’.”

Pinkie blinked in amusement. “So you’re the Jugger-”

Fluttershy shoved a forehoof inside of Pinkie's open muzzle to silence her, stroking her gently with a wing.

“You look beautiful, Pinkie Pie." She smiled calmly at her. "Always remember we love you, and Applejack and Rainbow are just very pent up at the moment. They don't need you making fun of their love for each other right now, not even if you are trying to be nice about it.”

“I’m not in special education anymore, you silly filly." Pinkie giggled into the stroking, leaning into Fluttershy's attention. "I love you too, and I was just trying to help.”

The unified squeak of Twilight and Rarity being shoved out the spa by Lotus and Aloe was punctuated by the slamming of the door behind them. They looked at each other silently, Rarity glancing back at the spa that she had been kicked out of.

Well that was a first, she thought. I never thought that would happen in my entire life, but alas... I should expect the unexpected around my friends, should I not?

The unexpected... A bit early, but it's not as if we can not entertain ourselves.

"Twilight, do you happen to know what time it is?" Rarity said.

Twilight let out a drunken sigh of sedated calmness. She had been laughing herself dry at all of the insanity around her instead of having a normal breakdown like she usually did, or the determined need to organize the madness to keep her friends in line. She had decided to take the Rainbow Dash outlook on life for the night for her own sanity, and on reflection it seemed to be working moderately well.

“So... no more Truth or Dare?" she chuckled. "And I would say around six forty five, but... why do you ask? I’m thinking we’d be out at least until midnight. If-”


Rarity trotted in front of her friends, watching their eyes look up at her in interest.

Oh I love being obvious and not at the same time! It's quite fun, really, and I never tire of it.

"As horrible of a witch as I am we have a train to catch in the next half an hour." She smiled innocently. "Oh I should have told you about that part, no? Silly me."

Train!?” her friends said together in wide-eyed fear.

Oh yes, fear me, and despair!

She blinked at her despotic urges. Oh my. I might want to control that side of me. And yet I feel like I've done that before...

Ahh yes, then. Let us not remember... then.

"We go to Canterlot!" Rarity leaped onto a bench with a dramatic waving of her mane, feeling the faint curls at the end of her hair wisp with her momentum. “I have many glorious plans for us! We-”

“Canterlot?” Rainbow groaned, her wings pulling her above Applejack. “Okay, I love the new manes, but-”

“Rainbow, what is in Canterlot?” Rarity asked.

Rainbow responded immediately. “Uhh... things I don’t like? You know: Nobles, pretty things, rich kids who need to be kicked in the crotch.”

"I should kick Pinkie in the crotch," Applejack said to herself.

"Oh oh oh!" Pinkie bounced excitedly. "The Knights of the Round Table!"

Twilight sighed, shaking her muzzle.

"Okay..." Pinkie pouted, her ears folding by the side of her frame.

Other than that," Rarity coughed. "Wonderful hip clubs full of alcohol and music. Surely you realize that the children of nobility love to rebel by default. There is a side of Canterlot that I don't think many of you know about. Other than Twilight of course, as she is a native.”

Twilight stood beside Rarity, her own smile spreading across her muzzle. "We've never really had the time to see the Undercity, and it wasn't like I explored it at all when I was living there. From what I've read it's... a lot more than you all might think it would be. Rarity isn't pulling our legs."

“I need about twenty shots of bourbon to make me forget about Rainbow's tongue,” Applejack said. “Is there good bourbon there?”

“The best,” Rarity chirped.

“And some lovely vodka?” Fluttershy hummed, flickering her wings. "I could go for some vodka right now. Cherry vodka sounds wonderful.”

“I like where this is going.” Pinkie Pie wrapped a forehoof around Fluttershy and Applejack, kissing them on their cheeks. “Plus it means that we get to spend the night there, and that means we get to party without worrying about coming home! Rarity, you are smarter than you look.”

“T-thank you, Pinkie,” Rarity mumbled, flicking her tail. “And you, Twilight? Any objections?”

Twilight scoffed a forehoof shyly at the ground. “W-w-well... I’m sure there are plenty of ponies there to flirt with, and I have always been curious about going there."

Rarity jumped down from the bench, doing her best to pull all of her friends into a group huddle. “I normally don’t say this sober, but I think this is apt and will absolutely show you all my intentions. Are you girls ready?”

“Y-y-yay?” Fluttershy squeaked.

"Better be awesome," Rainbow snorted.

“Alright then.” Rarity threw her forehoof into the air with as much passion as she could muster, her voice resonating over the horizon. “Elements of Harmony, Lets, get, pissed!

Pinkie scratched the back of her mane. "Why are we getting angry? I thought this is supposed to be a fun thing?"

Rainbow dragged her forehoof across her muzzle slowly. "She means drunk, Pinkie. Drunk."

"Oh,' Pinkie said. She gasped suddenly, tears budding in her eyes. "I ruined a perfect ending for a scene. I'm so sorry, everypony!"

She burst out into a torrent of tears, her friends looking at her in confusion as she held onto Rainbow for support, weeping into Rainbow's coat. "And Rarity said it so well too."

"Just ignore her," Rainbow said, stroking Pinkie's mane affectionately. "She was talking about chapters earlier. It's just her being Pinkie."

Chapter Twelve: The Cutie Cannabis Cruise

View Online

Spike had never run so far away from a crime scene as he did from Rarity's house, and soon enough, from his own.

Today had been the most interesting and confusing day in his entire life. To think that he had at least a thousand years of testosterone fueled epicness ahead of him; but that was going to be a mild problem for his future self, processing all of that information. Didn't the years start to blend together?

Thinking wasn't something he really tried to do currently. His orders were strict and clear from Rainbow Dash: Steal as much weed as he could from Fluttershy's garden and inject it into the Cutie Mark Crusaders as swiftly as possible. Knock them out, take their food, hide the alcohol, and consume all of the leftovers for himself. Not a bad bargain.

Besides, with all of the running he had been doing, eating all of their candy would be that much more satisfying.

Although nipping at some alcohol would not be too shabby of an idea either.

His little feet carried him swiftly to Fluttershy's house, Rainbow having promised to tell Fluttershy of the situation at hoof. Once his nose was trained by a 'specimen' that Twilight had - which explained the weird smells he smelt around the basement from time to time - he dug underneath the large tree in front of her house, finding the caches of bagged weed hidden there.


"Alright," he panted loudly to himself, his claws covered in dirt, "Rainbow said I should take a tiny bag of 'Mooroccan Meadows'." His emerald eyes quickly scanned the dozens of bags of weed in front of him, ranging from the size of his smallest claw all the way up to a gold sized brick of dense green.

"Does she really need this much?" Spike said aloud. "Ponies smoke cigarettes, but if this stuff is as strong as that, than she has enough for a year! Maybe this is why you're so calm, Fluttershy."

He chuckled to himself. It was only earlier today that he knew so little about sex and weed. That had changed for the better, and it was glorious.

Ignoring the instructions that he was given to get enough of it for the four of them - plus a bit extra - Spike decided to grab a bag the size of one of his head spines, in case he needed something with a little bit more firepower.

You can never be too careful with those fillies, as awesome as they are, he thought, shoving in the pulled up dirt he had haphazardly mined. With a snide grin on his face he let out one of the softest mists of dragon fire that he could, aging the dirt to make it look like it had been there for years. Light green flame whispered in the air and over the ground, a beautiful aurora of ticking heat that hardened the ground underneath it. Tiny pebbles cracked and formed around the worn dirt, and to any detective who looked, it would have seemed like it was a grave or a meditation spot. It had meditation of a different sort buried underneath.

If Fluttershy had seen him and accepted everything that had recently happened today she would never have to worry about a possible drug bust again.

Other than the trees she grew. In her backyard. In the open.

It was time to act quickly, and Spike knew that the longer he delayed the more horrible the possible outcomes could be. With the plastic bag firmly in his claws, he dashed toward the Apple farm for hopefully the last time that day. He was growing tired of running everywhere.

He was really growing damn tired of running. His stubby body wasn't meant for this, and he hadn't received any wings yet, which just pissed him off that much more.

By the time he reached the Cutie Mark Crusaders' fort - considering they didn't think in hindsight to do their illegal activities elsewhere - he felt like he had joined Rainbow in one of her complete body workouts. He was a panting, wheezing, gasping wreak that was barely holding onto the mortal coil.

What both killed him and gave him renewed life was the laughing and moans of delight that echoed from the windows of the wooden bastion of decadence. It took all of the courage inside of him to walk toward the fort, but even that courage was not enough for him to muster enough willpower to look inside.

What he heard was a horror that nopony in Equestria should have ever had to subject themselves too.

"Oh my gosh, this caramel is so good, Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo moaned. "This totally is worth not getting drunk. Pass me some more? Thanks. Caramel to the horn! Now the strawberry milk is mine," she cackled.

"Ahh!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "That's my horn. You don't put things on that except for engagement rings. And stop laughing at me! It... feels weird... and... really good at the same time. And give me back my milk. I'll pour the chocolate on you!"

"We know yer're a kitty cat, Sweetie Belle," Apple Bloom said, crunching loudly on chips. "And don't waste good milk. Even if it'd be kinda funny. I have to admit though, chips with peanut butter cups is-don't lick my stomach an' give me back my maple syrup fudge!"

Sweetie Belle giggled. "I'm only taking half of it."

Apple Bloom growled at her. "Fine. I'm takin' all the candy pumpkins then!"

"Why?" Sweetie Belle asked innocently. "I'm just gonna mush it up and-tackle Scootaloo and put it in her wings cause you've been mean today. Maple syrup crumbles attack!"

Scootaloo whickered in shock. "Gah! Don't-oh Wondebolt's don't stop, it feels so good," she panted.

Sweetie Belle hesitated. "Umm... Scootle's, can you stop smacking me with your tail? I'm just-I wonder if you taste like chicken? Not that I've ever tasted it. Oh! Maple syrup chicken! Let me try it."

"I'm not a-okay don't stop doing that." Scootaloo gasped, a heartily rumble escaping from her muzzle. "That is totally a no touch-oh screw it just stay there. Quack! I'm a chicken!"

"Scootaloo, let go of me!" Sweetie Belle cried. "This isn't-don't lick my horn that's... a no touchie... zone."

Spike couldn't act. His legs and arms knew that they should have dived into the fort in the most heroic, draconic, greatest, and most Spartan way possible. But he couldn't. The images in his head could have caused wars by the horrors that they placed inside of his mind.

Or most likely for him, result in his intestines being ripped out by his surrogate sister if he didn't act to stop the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

And yet despite his courage, despite his uncrushable will to face evil, seeing the Crusaders sexually active was just too much of a horror for his mind to handle. He could not move. He was shellshocked by the words and moans that vibrated through his eardrums.

It only got worse.

"Yeah," Scootaloo nickered lustfully, "now you know how I feel, Sweetie Belle. Here's another."

The dark rumble of delight that escaped from Sweetie Belle's mouth was one that sickened Spike to the very core of his soul.

"Ohhh, I feel so ticklish, and good-"

Both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo screeched at the pouring of chocolate milk on their coats, Apple Bloom growling at her friends in disgust. "Stop moanin' like my sister when she's with Long Tom. Had to waste good milk on ya two. Ya two do look kinda cute though; all wet like that and lookin' all silly in the face. Smell good too."

"Eww," Scootaloo whined, "now I have milk all over my fur. Why-Sweetie Belle stop licking... mmm... Nevermind, don't."

"I thought I told ya two-don't put vanilla fudge on my-hey!" Apple Bloom protested. "Don't you-why are you-okay, that feels kinda good," she sighed. "Sweetie Belle, that tongue sure is talented. This isn't fair! Why ya doin' this? What did I do... mmm... okay, ya are the cutest kitty. Sheesh girl, yer're somethin' special."

"See!" Scootaloo said. "She's good with her tongue. Now time for me to return the favor, Sweetie Belle. I wonder if you taste like birthday cake..."

"I do not!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. She slowly let out a shuttering, shivering sigh. "Scootles, that feels amazing. Oh don't stop..."

It was time for Spike to act. He should have acted a minute ago - or five - but raw evil had gripped his soul and wrenched his heart into a million pieces. There was no Tartarus like the moaning of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

It was up to him to be the greatest hero that Ponyville - no, Equestria - had ever seen. Diving into the fire that was the Cutie Mark Crusaders fondling each other wasn't an option that would save his life though. The scars he would receive from seeing such an abomination would be too great, even if all of equinity was on the line.

And so he had to improvise. He had learned much from Rainbow and Twilight: The leaders of making up plans on the fly.

He knew what he had to do.

Besides, he would look cool in the process.

"I'm a badflank," he chanted to himself. "This is the only shot I have, so I have to make it count."

He did everything he could to pump himself up. He thought about not being eaten alive and used as a soup by Rarity for watching Sweetie Belle degenerate herself into some sort of sexual fiend.

Spike didn't think of the simple solution of just running up to the window to do his epicness. No. Such lameness would have made the gods of awesomeness frown on his manly being for all eternity.

Opening up the entire bag of weed into his claws, he gently let out the softest puffs of his draconian flame dance over the cannabis. He mushed the massive bundle of leaves together as they sizzled sweetly in his grip.

The baseball of pot was ready. His mind was slowly becoming clouded by the chemicals nipping at his nostrils. He had only one shot.

"For future sex with Rarity!"

That, was worth marching through death for.

"Rarity!?" The Crusaders called.

Spike ran forward to gather his momentum, pitching his right arm back to throw the orb of hardened cannabis at the window. Following the trail of pot was a beautiful ethereal blade of dragon flame ready to light up the substance the moment it entered the fort.

His aim was so good he could feel the gods saving a spot for him by their side in the afterlife as the twirling sphere of green sizzling leaves went straight through the window.

There was a problem thorough.

Spike had just tossed half a pound of marijuana into the small fort. The amount - and quality - alone was surely a massive waste of fine grass.

The second problem was the mystical quality of his breath. Dragon flame and drugs were something that the world was never meant to have merged together.

With a furious pop of compressed air, the tickling fire broke apart the leaves into a shrapnel of flickering, melting chemicals. The ivory smoke from his improvised weapon hissed in the air like a leaking fire extinguisher, wafting out of the fort in a thick, steamy wave of magically infused THC.

“I did it!” he cheered, shaking his rump and short tail from side to side in a makeshift victory dance. “I am-”

His victory was cut short by the loud, thick coughs of the Cutie Mark Crusaders choking on the steam tickling their noses, sending a raw aura of fear across his body.

"Oh man," Scootaloo gagged. "Is the fort on fire? Cause this doesn't smell fire to me. Or... did we just die? Are we dead? In Tartarus? Did we die licking each other? I thought liking mares wasn't a crime!"

"And it don't smell like burnin' wood ta me," Apple Bloom said, coughing loudly. "An' I didn't fart. Oh wait... I just did."

"Eww..." Sweetie Belle choked, wheezing through her mouth. "Do... do you all feel fun-oh, my goshie! I can see Mooscow from here! Can't you see it?"

"Oh, my, awesome Dash plot, I can see Sto-vo-kor!" Scootaloo cheered. "We are dead. We're so badflank we went to Sto-vo-kor and didn't need to kill anypony! I wish I got to nuzzle into Rainbow's stomach one last time though."

You know, I'm not sure going in there even for Rarity is worth it.

Spike reflected on his statement, pondering if those words really were just recently thought, but they were. They really were. He thought he would travel through all of eternity just to see Rarity's lifted tail once more, but...

I think there's a line a man should set up, and seeing the Cutie Mark Crusaders like this just isn't something I'm going to waddle into. Even for free food. Even for Rarity.

He nodded to himself and his thoughts. There's hearing it, and then seeing the Cutie Mark Crusaders like this, and I just can't take that risk of being scared forever.

Spike folded his forearms together, leaning on the tree supporting the fort idly. He gently inhaled the musky and thick scent of Fluttershy's beginners grade weed into his nose. He could feel the humming in his ears growing with every moment that passed.

Even the very throbbing need to grab Rarity's behind, pin her to the ground, take her like the dragon he was, and use her like she always wanted him to just seemed less important. Or more important. He couldn't quite decide. If she were here, he'd give a more concrete answer.

"Ya both are stupid," Apple Bloom huffed, "we're in the Pegasi Yggdrasil." She pondered, something - much like Applejack - she didn't excel at. "For... some... reason. Oh, no. I ain't a Pegasusus! I ain't supposed to be here!"

"It's Asgard, Applebutt," Scootaloo growled. "And it's Pegasi. Don't tell me how I know that."

"Ya are such a nerd," Apple Bloom growled back. Her attempt to fight Scootaloo ended with an abrupt torrent of giggles trundling out of her muzzle.

Scootaloo tittered with delight in return. "Hehehehehe... your butt is like an apple. Let me nuzzle it!"

"We all can't be at different places and not be at the same place at the same time; that's logically impossible." Sweetie Belle mused. "And this isn't special effects smoke, but... oh man, I'm dizzy as a ditsy doo dodge ball dance." She gasped. "I know how the universe is going to end! So when-oh I forgot."

Apple Bloom nickered seductively. "Mmm... Scootaloo, can ya lick me there later? I'm really enjoyin' that, but I'm tired. Like... oh nelly, breathin' in this stuff is like smellin' you all, or somethin' science like. You two smell really good. Come mere, let me lick ya'all once before I sleep."

Scootaloo belched in a manner that Rainbow would have been proud of. "Haha! Licking your butt means I get your gas, Appleblurt. But yeah... I'm just gonna push you over-"

"Ohh, mmm... floor-"

"-and totally lay on you. Oh man, you're kinda muscular like your sister. Heh! You're my pet pig now. I like you, bacon butt. Kiss!"

Sweetie Belle squeed loudly. "Kissie time! Let's make out after we wake up! We're the best of friends and kissing sounds amazing! Three-way snuggle sleep sandwich!"

You know, I never knew how cool I was until I thought about it right now, Spike said mentally.

He let the gentle beat of an electric guitar and drums trundle into the back of his mind, only adding to the sheer greatness that he radiated. It was for the best that he didn't think about what was going on in there, or how he should have smashed through the fort for his wonderful goal of Rarity groin, but the high going through his head was just so much better right now. The loudest part of his mind yelled at him for even thinking that anything but Rarity's withers was even possible, but the simple coolness and stoned peace that was flooding through his body relaxed him. Not having Rarity was alright right now.

He was taking the marijuana moderately well, from an observers point of view. Sure it inflated his ego within a mountain range of Rainbow Dash's, or should he say... confidence? Both perhaps?

It chilled Spike out in a manner he had never really realized he could be calmed down to. He felt older, wiser, more skilled; perhaps this is what he would feel like in the next few years, or hundred. He didn't exactly know he felt this way. Nor did he realize that despite his biology not exactly being meant to resist THC, it was doing it's best to fight off what toxins his draconic immune system had been trained by eons of evolution. It did a pretty decent job at it compared to the giggling, kissing, yawning fillies above him.

Rainbow and I need to talk. He nodded firmly to himself, his emerald eyes reflecting on his musings on life, the universe, and everything. And Twilight too. I got some ideas. Good ideas. I can manage their stock portfolios when they get older and have kids. Since I'm pretty much going to be here when industry takes over, I can see in the long view. I've got perks that no other pony is gonna have; I've got a lifespan they all don't have. Heh. I'll corner the market. I'll be the market.

As Spike was pondering the economic domination of Equestria with Rarity by his side and firmly implanted on his crotch for several decades, his ears and mind didn't seem to notice the suckling kisses that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were making above him. They lasted for about thirty seconds before they passed out from the raw overload of Fluttershy's introductory grade marijuana. In the end, he had inadvertently succeeded on a semi-successful level that could be leveraged in the morning. There was no way the foals would remember much from that night.


For now, it was time to relax. The minor possibility of being killed by the Elements by having to deal with the Cutie Mark Crusaders' new found knowledge was okay, for the white cloud that hovered in a foggy mist around him had awoken the greatest economic mind that Equestria would see for centuries. The mind who would usher in the third industrial revolution, help send ponykind to the moon, colonize space, and become the undisputed tycoon and eventual prime minister for life of all of Ungulia.

As long as Fluttershy didn't beat him to death for burning nearly two thousand bits worth of weed.

Chapter Thirteen: Planning, Prep Talks, And Pressure Points

View Online

Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow huddled together in their train booth, looking at each other quietly. The train had been in motion for only a few minutes, but the momentary silence was needed for them to reflect on what Rarity had in plan for them tonight.

It seemed that from the instant that Rarity had stepped into Twilight's house that she had begun to weave together some grand scheme for later that night, much like what Twilight would have done if the strategy was in a field other than romance and sex. What was entailed in addition to going to Canterlot's clubs was anyponies guess, and Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow had begun to weave their own counter to Rarity's scheming to the best of their abilities. To say who was winning was anyponies guess.

It didn't matter though, because at the end of the night they all were going to hopefully be winners. Going to a high-end Canterlot club was usually a fun filled experience, and it was likely it would be one for the Elements of Harmony as well.

Or they would be extremely hungover, tired, and filled with regret and shame the morning after. That tended to be par for the course when ponies of their age bracket got drunk and flirted either successfully or unsuccessfully.

The silence between them had grown awkward, and it had to be broken.

Rainbow glanced at Applejack, swallowing down a ball of saliva that had collected in her throat.

"Applejack," she whispered, "I'm... sorry."

Applejack jumped, her mental concentration broken. She looked at Rainbow, raising an eyebrow at her statement. "Huh? What's to be sorry about, sugercube?"

Rainbow laid down on her side, her wild tail half hanging off of the seat. She flicked it up into the air out of interest, watching the bundles of colors move in a disorganized wave as they landed back onto the seat. "About taking the make out too far. I know it was part of the plan, but-"

Applejack sat down beside Rainbow, stroking through her mane. She smiled as she watched Rainbow's expression relax. "Dasha dear, ya gotta stop bein' so tense. Ya got more love in yer heart than ya take credit for, and ya just wanted ta show it. Don't be ashamed of it. It was part of the plan."

"And well..." Applejack clopped her forehooves together nervously, her cheeks quickly matching the red on her cutie mark. "Damn it, I'd be lyin' to twenty parts of myself if I said I didn't like it. Ya can kiss, Rainbow, and put on a show that'd turn a straight mare queer."

Twilight couldn't prevent herself from smirking. "I'll make no comment on Applejack's repressed sexual urges. None at all."

Applejack attempted to stare at Twilight, her red faced cheeks faltering as Twilight giggled quietly at her. She rested a forehoof on top of Rainbow's side, giving her a pat to deflect the faint grin that was spreading across Rainbow's muzzle. "I bet that Rarity has no idea in Tartarus what exactly is goin' on anymore, thinkin' that we might have feelings for each other with what we put into that kiss. It don't hurt that she thinks ya got real feelings for Twilight."

"Well... I do have feelings for both of you, and you both know that." Rainbow bit her bottom lip, glancing between Twilight and Applejack. "But we're the best of pals, AJ, and so many ponies think we're a couple and just don't admit it. I know we talked about this in the barn, and it felt... nice to kiss you like that, but when I think about it... I really don't want to do that again. And it's the same with you, Twilight. I care too much about you. You don't even know how much."

"Rainbow, you might be the most overlooked pony when it comes to complex emotions in Equestria," Twilight said.

"I love you so much, Twilight; and Applejack, you're so close to me that I can't even think of words to explain it." Rainbow stroked through her own mane, glancing down at the added length that rolled down her shoulders. "And now I have to think about falling in love with Rarity, of all ponies. It's just... a lot to think about."

Twilight took a firm drink of her lemonade, placing the bottle down to lean forward, her muzzle inches away from Rainbow's. "Whatever you do, don't force it," she stated. "Applejack and I aren't going to force it on each other, and while the plan is for her to get interested in you, I'm not going to force her to do it either. We just have to see if the chemistry between you two works."

"Exactly." Applejack kicked up her hind legs, resting them on Twilight's seat. "Rarity is double guessin' if you like me or Twilight, and isn't thinkin' about if we got anything up our manes. She'll be wide open to us pullin' her toward ya. I... think."

"And double guessing things is always a big mistake when I'm involved." Twilight smiled smugly, laying back in her seat.

She brushed through the locks of her mane idly, curling her tail around her side. "You just need to relax and enjoy the present, Rainbow, like you tend to do. I mean, look at me: I'm calm, and look what I was like only a few hours ago. We have this under control, and tonight is already shaping up to being something... well... epic. If I can borrow from your vocabulary."

"The reason you're so calm, Twilight, is because you nearly pissed yourself laughing at me and AJ," Rainbow said, a smile tracing itself over the corners of her lips.

"And you're not calm from straddling Applejack?" Twilight said. "Or that could explain why you're so tense."

Applejack and Rainbow blushed brightly in unison, averting their gazes from each other.

Rainbow lifted up her forehooves. "Alright." She exhaled. "Okay, I enjoyed making out with AJ. Your new hair makes you about twenty times hotter than before, but I really need to get into the game of trying to get the hots for Rarity. She's kind of the last one of us I've thought about like that, so it isn't easy. We're kinda different, if you haven't noticed."

"Really?" Applejack said, "thought that'd be Fluttershy who ya didn't want to puff up."

"Yeah... about that." Rainbow laid her muzzle on top of her forehooves, letting out a nervous chuckle. "Let's just say... Flight School was more like 'Fondling School' to both of us. It was how we learned so much about each other and... things. Gilda and me were friends in the porn stash kind of way. We both had egos that were way too big to work like that. Flutters' and me..."

"You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to, Rainbow Dash." Twilight's horn faintly flickered to life, lifting up the end of Dash's muzzle. "You just have a lot of love inside of you that you repress. Don't be ashamed about it."

Rainbow wiggled the tip of her nose. "Nah, it's all good. We were young, cloppy, and just exploring things. There's no hard feelings between us about it, just like with me and Pinkie. I guess I'm just kinda moody from all the planning and being pent up and stuff."

Applejack nodded gently. "I'm sure ya're in shock from kissin' both Twilight 'n I today, Dasha. And now all of this is happenin'? It don't matter how often crazy things happen to us, but it always surprises me. We haven't done somethin' like this before."

"And Pinkie hasn't helped me either," Twilight mumbled. "The laughing has, but still. Biology is biology. Hopefully if we all get some tonight it'll defibrillate our systems and we'll become relatively normal again."

Twilight blinked rapidly at her choice of words, Applejack and Rainbow returning the gaze as she repeated her sentence in her head.

She blushed, stroking her tail shyly. "I... think I shouldn't say anypony is 'getting some' ever again."

"Please don't for my sanity," Rainbow said. "Don't try to be cool like that."

Rainbow, Twilight, and Applejack broke out into a loud laugh, ignoring the curious looks that Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity gave them from across the train car.

"Jeez, you are friggin adorable when you try to be cool or hip like that, Twilight," Rainbow snorted. "You-gah! Get off of me! What are you doing?"

Twilight had leapt across her seat to lay on top of Rainbow as if she were a couch, looking down at her with an evil smirk spreading across her muzzle. She didn't seem to regret jumping over to the now heavily occupied side of the couch, nor did Twilight seem to feel bad about resting on top of Rainbow.

"Deciding to defibrillate you early and more innocently," she said, dragging the tip of a forehoof across the base of Rainbow's ponytail. "Applejack told me a few things about you that could be useful in future situations if I feel that you are getting too pent up for your own good. Not to mention it helps me as well with the physical affection, so it's an added bonus. It's not my fault you have a thick coat, Rainbow."

Rainbow looked up at Applejack in disbelief as Twilight laid down on top of her, dragging her forehooves up and down Rainbow's neck and mane. She snorted at Applejack in the most mild expression of betrayal that Equestria had ever seen.

Applejack shrugged. She couldn't help but grin a bit more sadistically than she should have. "I thought it was a useful thing to tell her. Rarity'll find out eventually. So that means that the three of us will know how to tame ya."

"All of you will," Rainbow grumbled. "Fluttershy and Pinkie know I like massages too."

"That means we all just pounce ya when ya get angry and rub ya down like a dog," Applejack said, patting Rainbow on the tip of her nose. "That's a mighty useful thing ta know, if you ask me."

"Buck all of you with something really, really sharp." Rainbow muffled her protest incoherently, burying her snout into her forehooves. Her tail smacked onto the couch to join her boycott of the massaging, but she didn't seem to be doing the easily available tactic of just rolling Twilight off of her.

"And speaking of sexual activity," Twilight said, "I think you and Rarity will make an... oddly good couple; once the angry sex phase is over, if it gets that far."

Rainbow snorted, opening an eye to look up at Twilight. "Come on. Really? How in the hay are we alike? And trust me: That phase will never stop. We'll get into a lot of fights, and that'll just mean we'll tackle each other and just do it on her sales desk."

Twilight and Applejack chuckled together at the imagery. It would be the best soap opera that Equestria would never see.

"Would you like me to make a list, Rainbow?" Twilight said, digging her forehooves into Rainbow's toned neck. She smiled at Rainbow's grumbling giving way to little nickers of content at the free massage. Twilight would also be lying to herself if the firm and yet furry couch she laid on top of wasn't a secret delight as well. "We can begin with the egos right from the start."

"We both have half of the ponies in Ponyville chasing us for a one night stand?" Rainbow grinned widely. "I can't blame them. We have the nicest butts around. You're a close third, Twi'."

Twilight sighed darkly. "My point stands," she gritted between her teeth.

"We both totally have them. Pretty sure mine is bigger, but she can be pretty airheaded when it comes to her clothing. Not that she isn't as talented as she says she is."

"I have to agree with Twi' on this," Applejack said, cracking open a bottle of sweet tea. "You're half as tough as ya say ya are, which still means ya can kick tail like nopony I know. And despite how lazy ponies might think ya are, I don't know a pony in Ponyville who trains their body like you do, Rainbow."

"And I know exactly why." Twilight looked down at Rainbow, a proud smile spreading across her lips. "Both of you are never satisfied with what you do. Nothing you produce is ever good enough, so you both strive to become better and better at what you love. You're afraid you will let down your peers by not giving a hundred and twenty percent, so you hide that fear behind your egos. The rest of us are happy with our jobs and lives, but you two chase your dreams and will damn anypony who says you aren't talented enough."

"To ponies who don't know ya it'd seem that you'd be a match made in Tartarus with your egos," Applejack said. "But we know that under the thick skin ya both have are two mares who'd give up those dreams to protect a pony. I know that she'd drop her business to save us in a flash, and if she had the chance afterwards she'd build it back up stronger than ever just to show everypony what she's got."

"And I'd give up the Wonderbolt's and my freaking life to save you guys," Rainbow said. "I don't even have to think about it."

Twilight stared down at Rainbow. "Rainbow! What-"

Applejack pressed a forehoof to Twilight's lips, shaking her muzzle from side to side. "If ya think you're gonna convince Rainbow not to do that then you don't know Rainbow anymore, Twilight. She's a stubborn son of a bitch, and I know full well she'd haunt me from the Summer Lands if I even thought of stopping her from givin' her life to save us."

Rainbow was gleaming for more ways than one.

It wasn't just the honest praise, although that certainly helped. It was her seeing the dots that were forming in her mind of how Rarity and her could connect. Of how they had a united ambition that could... work. Really work. They had a united drive toward unobtainable perfection, and they needed a pony who knew what that call was like.

Sure, they would certainly fight each other; they already traded verbal blows almost as much as she and Applejack dueled it out. But Rainbow... enjoyed those exchanges with Rarity. And as much of a huffing and puffing show Rarity put on, Rainbow had a hunch it helped Rarity vent in her own way as well.

And damn did Rarity have a sense of snarky sarcasm that just made Rainbow wet.

Although Twilight's was good in some ways and even better than Rarity in others too. It also made her wet, and she couldn't have them both intimately.

Rainbow's life sucked.

Although with Rarity's silver tongue, things could happen...

"And the last thing you guys want is me haunting you when you are taking a dump." Rainbow laughed, looking up at Twilight. "I'd do it, Twilight, and even you complimenting me isn't gonna save you."

Twilight groaned loudly in disgust, pulling herself off of Rainbow to sit beside her. "That's how you take our prep talk? And why are my friends so stubborn? And as if that kind of humor is going to attract Rarity to you?"

Applejack and Rainbow coughed in unison.

Twilight was not amused. "What? I'm not stubborn!"

Applejack pat her throat, coughing once more. "Dasha, I think somethin's in my throat."

"Yeah," Rainbow said, "might be the horsecrap. Train air filters 'n all."

"I'm not stubborn," Twilight hissed between her teeth, stabbing a forehoof into Rainbow's neck. She winced at Rainbow's neck muscles absorbing her blow. "I'm persistent."

Twilight's two friends stared blankly at her.

She stared back, her eyes violet slits of contempt as she folded her forehooves across her chest. "I hate both of you..."

Pulling herself up from her stomach - despite the wonderful feeling of her warm and relaxed neck and shoulders content to be where they were - Rainbow wrapped each of her wings around Applejack and Twilight. The faint squeak that Twilight made at her pout being interrupted as she felt both Rainbow's wing and forehoof wrap around her shoulders made the smile across Rainbow's muzzle that much bigger.

"Ya know that I just use jokes to cover up my weak spots, Twilight," Rainbow said, rubbing her cheek gently into Twilight's own. "Seriously: What you just said to me is... like... really sweet. The sweetest thing anypony has ever said to me. Ever. To know that you think so much of me is like... incredible."

Applejack prodded Rainbow's cheek gently. "Ya think for a second that we don't, RD? Ya train yourself 'n push yourself as hard as I love my family an' Twilight loves her books. If you think for another second that we doubt you'd fight for us till the last ponies' standin' and that we don't love ya with all our hearts I swear I'm gonna break yer jaw right here 'n right now."

Twilight nodded firmly, ruffling Rainbow's mane. "What Applejack said. Just with significantly less violence and more verbal scolding. You don't want me to scold you like I scold Spike, Dash."

"You two are literally clones when it comes to teaching morals," Rainbow laughed, squeezing Applejack and Twilight. "It's kinda creepy, but it just shows how you two really work well together, you know? Thanks, guys."

"And why in the hay are ya so tough on Spike, Twi'?" Applejack said, sipping her tea. "That little guy works his tail off for ya."

"It's a hyperbole," Twilight mumbled.

Rainbow snorted, grinning at the glare Twilight gave her as she took a sip of Twilight's lemonade. "She's just preparing for when she becomes a tiger mom, AJ. You thought Granny Smith was bad? Twilight in ten years will be worse."

Applejack barely swallowed down the ball of tea that wiggled down her throat.

The glare that Twilight gave Rainbow was one that she had mastered over three years of friendship. It was a scowl of silent, evil hatred that she had become well used to giving to the everlasting stupidity that happened around her.

It had no effect on Rainbow Dash.

"You know it's true, Twi'," Rainbow said, wagging her eyebrows. "If ya ever have kids, you are totally gonna ride them harder than AJ at a rodeo."

"I... I can't lie, Twilight," Applejack wheezed, "but ya would do that to yer foals. An' I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing."

Twilight inhaled and exhaled from her muzzle in the manner that Cadance taught her too. "Accept the objective truth that your future date is giving you, even if it doesn't help her win your affections. And also accept that hopefully she and her best friend will grow from what their partners bring to them. You can handle this, Twilight."

"Just relax, Twilight," Applejack said. "Dasha brings out that playful side of me and ya know that. Rarity'll do her good when it comes to social manners. Just like you 'n I keep everypony else in line. What's the worst that can happen? Rainbow 'n Rarity'll get drunk an' fight an' roll in the hay; just like we Fruits do. Sure they might break a bone or three and crack some teeth, but they'll help each other. Maybe..."

She bit her bottom lip. "Okay... now I'm not so sure that my idea of them datin' was a good one anymore. Can... can I take it back? Fashion'll drive Rainbow nuts, and Rarity'll go coo-coo over Dash an' her energy."

Twilight blinked at the complete reversal of Applejack's confidence. "W-wow, Applejack. That's not optimistic at all. That's even worse than me. You could have at least added some sarcasm to it. If you don't mind me saying this: That was a very good way to be a plothole to Rainbow."

"Nah, don't worry about it, Twilight," Rainbow said, patting Applejack's side with a wing. "She's just pissy from missing the bitter taste of Big Mac's cum clogging her throat and comin' out of her nose. You just can't compete with him. And where do you think she got her accent? Gargling it, duh."

Twilight should have been ashamed of herself for finding such an off-color and vulgar joke funny, but her friends had ruined her sense of comedic decency for the sake of her own sanity.

Besides, she had always been a fan of personal insults. She just had the decency to make them more clever and subtle.

She grabbed onto Rainbow's side as she giggled profusely from the depths of her stomach. "You two are awful to each other uncensored. Is this what you do to each other all the time? And I thought around us it was bad!"

"Somethin' like that," Applejack said. "I forgive her for bein' so damn adorable at times though."

"And the whole 'me being your best friend, protecting you' part too," Rainbow said. "Can't forget about that part, Applejack. Kinda important."

"And that ya can snap me in half part," Applejack said. "And that's comin' from a mare who can snap most ponies in half, Twilight."

"With your thunder thighs," Rainbow snorted.

"Says the mare with thunder on her thighs," Applejack sneered.

"They are lightning bolts, AJ. Lightning, bolts. I know it's hard for your brain to comprehend the difference."

Twilight looked between Applejack and Rainbow, leaning forward to objectively analyze the muscles, fighting styles, and the forms of their bodies. How lithe and toned Rainbow's core and thighs were from nearly a decade of martial arts, fitness training, flying, and stamina building exercises. How stout Applejack's flank, withers, and shoulders were from applebucking and carrying heavy weights on her back...

No unpure thoughts went through her mind about how she had seen them after their routines. Of them dunking themselves in water to clean off.

None at all.

"Applejack," Twilight said, "you're the strongest mare I know. I-I don't mean to imply anything about your flank, but your hind legs-"

"Mean nothing with Rainbow's speed, agility, and I don't know Kung Fu, or how to exactly resist gettin' hit with a staff." Applejack took a sip of her sweet tea. "Moment I can take a hard staff to the side repeatedly an' not cough up blood I'll tell ya. We Earth ponies may be tough warhorses, but if you smack my back with a stick a few dozen times I'm not gettin' up any time soon."

Rainbow shuffled slightly in place, averting her gaze. "Y-y-yeah. I know how to fight with a quarterstaff. Both airborne and ground based. If like... AJ was brain washed to kill me - and even if my wings were tied - I could pretty much dodge everything she throws at me if it was life or death. Hit her knee or shoulder a couple times, nail her in the back of the head. You get the idea."

"W-w-well," Twilight chuckled, tapping her forehooves together, "I'm glad to know that you'd kill for us if the world goes to a haybasket, Rainbow. Glad to know that you have such... 'knowledge'."

Dash perked up her ears at the compliment, smiling at Twilight. "And I'm teaching myself how to use a halberd, in case I need something with more power. You never know."

"A halberd?!" Twilight croaked, gagging on her own oxygen. "Does Equestria need you with a sharp weapon?!"

"I think the answer to that question is an undeniable yes," Rainbow replied, sticking out her tongue. "But that I'm teaching myself. It's just like a quarterstaff that can be a spear. And an axe. A spearaxe. I just have to make sure I don't slice off my own wings, so I can't dance with it like I can with a staff."

Twilight dragged a forehoof across her snout slowly, shaking her head. At least Dash's motives were in the right place. "So the next villain we face you are just going to impale it if you can?"

Rainbow's smile turned into a beaming grin. "Yep! Nothing solves evil god problems like a hoof long titanium blade in the neck. Besides, I'd do it 'cause I don't want you all to feel that guilt of having to kill some god, so I'd take it for you. Besides, killing gods is a hay of a way to be remembered in Equestrian history."

Twilight could not sit in the same seat that Rainbow was in at the current moment, and so she simply sat on the floor, stroking her temples. It was the best thing she could do with how childish and adult-like Rainbow could be from one minute to the next. "I'm not sure if you need a therapist, I should be thankful, or just realize it's you."

"Anyways," Applejack said, twirling a forehoof through her blond mane, "this is exactly the kind of thing Rarity can help ya with, Rainbow, if ya two don't kill each other. You're not as... uhh... 'twitchy' as ya used to be when it comes to glory seekin', but ya still need to learn how taocontrol yourself."

"I guess," Rainbow shrugged, laying down on her side to reclaim the warm spot that Twilight had vacated. "I've always been like that. Not as bad as I used to be, but hey, I get easily excited for adventure and fame, you know? Still not as bad as Pinks."

"Pinkie doesn't count," Applejack chuckled, folding her forehooves behind her shoulders. "Maybe Rarity can help ya from doing somethin' stupid from time to time, just like ya can stop her from goin' haywire and calm her down."

"Rainbow's stupidity is a chronic illness, Applejack," Twilight said. "I'm not sure it's something that can be cured. It can only be managed."

"Hey!" Rainbow shot at Twilight, "I thought you were defending me earlier!"

Twilight grinned smugly, folding her forehooves across her chest. "I can't defend you from the truth, Rainbow. Mare-Do-Well should have taught you that."

Rainbow fumbled for words. "W-w-well your CORAD is a chronic illness."

Twilight looked quizzically at Rainbow. "That's no mental illness I know of."

Rainbow preened. "Compulsive, Obsessive, Retentive, and Anal Disorder."

"But I thought you're the one who likes rectal stimulation."

Dash threw herself into her seat, kicking at the one opposite of her in anger as Twilight rolled on the floor in a wave of glee. "Damn it! Trotted into that one."

Applejack soon enough joined in the laughter, receiving a firm stare from Rainbow.

"Oh buck both of you."

"Both of us at the same time?" Applejack cackled, falling over onto the ground with Twilight. "Now, Dasha, that's just greedy. And while Twilight an' her clonin' magics are mighty fine, you'll have to deal with stories instead of seein' it yourself."

"Cloning magic?" Twilight sighed, wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye, "that doesn't even-"

She gasped suddenly, sitting up in revelation. "Oh! So if I combined an ethereal projection spell with a quantum gravitation matrix spell and add in a subconscious mimicking subroutine I could possibly theoretically-"


Twilight whinnied in shock at Pinkie's voice resonating in her ears. She tackled Rainbow protectively, nuzzling into her as if Rainbow were her mother as she looked up at Pinkie giggling above her.

Applejack was simply content to massage her ears to stop the ringing.

"I sensed Rainbow being ganged up on, so I had to join her!" Pinkie chirped, hanging over Rainbow's and Twilight's seat. "I can't let Dashie be teased like that forever and ever. And you two would make an adorable couple. Isn't Rainbow soft, Twilight?"

"Damn it, Pinkie Pie!" Twilight yelled, glaring violet death at her. Pinkie beamed innocently back at Twilight, equally immune to Twilight's eyeball based death ray as Rainbow was. "What if I had a heart attack? Or peed myself? And do you have any idea how many times I've sworn today because of you all? More than I have in the last month combined!"

"Then while I'd totally smell of pee, I'd most likely join you in peeing myself from laughing to death." Rainbow chuckled, receiving Twilight's glowing stare. "Thanks, Pinks."

"No problem, Rainbow," Pinkie whickered, swishing her tail happily behind herself.

Rarity poked her head above the couch behind Twilight and Rainbow, joining Pinkie Pie in her curiosity at the commotion. "I sense screaming, silliness, and the three of you most likely planning something while Fluttershy, Pinkie, and I were talking," she hummed.

"Now why in Equestria do ya think we're plannin' somethin'?" Applejack said, pulling herself up onto her hooves. "And even if we were, it's clear ya three are too."

"Well, duh." Pinkie giggled. "Of course we're planning things. I mean... sure we were talking about pretty clothing, and cooking things, and what to do in Canterlot, but did you think we wouldn't plan on what's gonna go down? Silly fillies."

Rarity looked blankly at Pinkie Pie, followed soon enough by Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack perking up their ears in interest.

Pinkie shrugged. "What? It's true! We're all planning things in our not-so-secret corners. It's like, super obvious." She tapped her forehooves rapidly together. "It's a game of ponies!"

Dragging her left forehoof up and down her muzzle to massage her forehead, Rarity let out a soft, agonizing sigh. "Bloody hate you sometimes, Pinkie. Bloody hate you."

Twilight stood up to press her forehoof gently against Rarity's horn, nodding at her. "I know what it's like, Rarity. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie are the bane of organized planning. They throw a wrench into every possible scenario in ways I'm trying to stop thinking about, but I just can't. Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be alright tonight. I... think."

"And it's not like they know what we are planning," Fluttershy said, stroking a forehoof gently down Rarity's back. "So don't worry about it, Rarity."

"Thank you for joining us, Fluttershy, and for only adding credence to what Pinkie said," Rarity hissed between her teeth.

"Would you like a massage?" Fluttershy said, tracing her forehooves across Rarity's upper back.

"Or Applejack's sweet tea," Rainbow said, nosing the bottle toward Rarity. "With some rum of course."

"Hey!" Applejack growled, "that's my drink, Dasha."

Rarity flicked an ear, tilting her muzzle to the side. "Where... did you store rum? I don't see anywhere where you could have stored rum."


Rainbow shoved a forehoof into Applejack's muzzle, her gaze firmly set on Rarity's own. "Cut the crap, Applejack, I know when Rarity needs a drink and she's just secretly denying it. She's working her tail off, and we all should've known this was happening anyways. Besides, Pinkie knows we are planning something too."

"I don't know everything," Pinkie said, "just that when we split off into groups we're usually planning things! But... most ponies should know that. If that's my Pinkie Sense working she needs an oil change."

Twilight raised an eyebrow as she looked between Rarity and Rainbow looking into each other's eyes, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy following suit quickly after.

"You're up to something, Rainbow Dash," Rarity whispered. "You've put something in that drink. I am not oblivious, mare."

Rainbow grabbed the bottle of sweet tea, bringing it to her muzzle without a word. She took a deep drought of the drink, her throat contracting as she drank down a third of the drink in one chug, placing it down onto the table. "Are you happy? It's not Listerine. Sheesh."

With a casual thrum of magic, Rarity pulled the bottle of juice from Rainbow's hoof to take a sip. Content that it wasn't poison she took another swig, her sapphire eyes never straying away from the glowing magenta of Rainbow's own.

"Mmm. I can't taste the alcohol though, and while it's good, it isn't anything compared to what Applejack and her extended kin would make."

Rainbow couldn't help but faintly smile.

"I lied," she snorted quietly. "I put in natural cider. Natural cider. Train my body for the extremes, ya know?"

Rarity's muzzle turned a solid blue in disgust, her vision blurring at the realization that she had consumed Rainbow's urine.

Rainbow, Dash's, urine.

"Applejack just bought it like ten minutes ago!" Rainbow squealed, her voice cracking. "I-i-it's... You-you-you're face-"

Rarity's muzzle swallowed down the last bit of the non-urinated tea that tasted worse than any drink she had ever tasted in her life on reflex. All she could do was stare as Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow, and even Twilight laughed themselves hoarse at her own degradation and fear for her internal purity.

Applejack, Rainbow, and Twilight had collapsed into the middle of the booth, tears streaming down their cheeks as they huddled together in laughter. It stung Rarity that much more that her fellow intellectual had been broken by toilet humor.

Toilet humor.

She looked back to see Pinkie laughing on the floor behind her, oinking like a pig at Rarity's horror shaded muzzle. All who showed Rarity any form of support was Fluttershy, who simply covered her muzzle with her forehoof, doing her best to appear as small as possible.

"You bitch!" Rarity shouted, slamming her forehooves onto the back of her seat. "You furry, barbaric, wingjob giving bitch. I almost urinated myself in disgust. What if that was real? What if I got sick from whatever sexual disease you have from rutting half of the weather team?"

"Urine is sterile by default," Twilight giggled, burying herself into Applejack's chest. "It's okay, Rarity. It'd just be a different kind of 'mouth wash'."

"Oh my friends deserve to be raped by Diamond Dogs and have their ovaries eviscerated!"

Rarity blew out a torrent of air from the end of her muzzle as her friends bellowed themselves raw at her death threat, weeping on top of each other in bliss.

Here she was, spending her money and her effort to please them, help them, and guide them toward a night of happiness and fun, and they were abusing her good graces for their own enjoyment.

Rainbow panted drunkenly, lifting up a forehoof. "T-t-the funny thing is that Applejack really did do that to me once. And I drank the whole thing, thinking it was just some weird gin. So to get her back I kissed her with the last mouthful and forced her to taste it." She wrapped a wing around Twilight and Applejack, the three mares snickering at each other. "'Sides, Rarity, I h-h-heard that yellow wine was in season this year."

"Blow it out your arse, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity neighed to the renewed guffaws of her three soon-to-be-ex friends, growling darkly at them.

"I-I-I could always do that," Rainbow's voice squeaked, holding onto Applejack and Twilight. "I-I-I didn't know you were into that kind of kinky stuff-I can't breathe!"

Rarity could think of no solution to fix her anger other than to go to drastic measures. There were lines that a pony did not cross, and her friends forced her to retaliate in equal measure. It was the only way.

When the Elements decided to dive into Fluttershy's main source of income - otherwise known as her cannabis business - Rarity considered herself on the lighter end of the spectrum with how much she liked to consume. Twilight was in the same field, seeking only a minor high to nip the senses and lighten the mood. Now though... Rarity needed a heavier hit of cannabis than everything she had ever consumed combined.

She unlocked the box of royalty grade weed from Fluttershy's wing pouch, hovering the sealed container in the air. Fluttershy let out a loud gasp in panic, only to be hushed by Rarity sharply.

"There is only one thing that a lady can properly do in this situation to lower her blood pressure," she began calmly.

The sounds of joy coming from her friends died down quickly as they watched Rarity do something she never did.

Rarity was about to take the first hit. It was an event the likes of which the other Elements of Harmony had never seen before.

Twilight pulled herself up onto the couch as Rainbow sat up on the floor, leaning forward to check if what was actually happening, was actually happening. Even Pinkie Pie had pulled herself back up to simply stare in wonder, watching Rarity's magic pulsate to life to separate the bagged cannabis from the cutting edge vaporizer that called that sacred box home.

Smooth, peaceful blue magic gently danced around Rarity's horn as she merged the faintly shimmering, vibrant green powder into the vaporizer. What better way to enjoy the purity of the potent chemical than through one of Fluttershy's portable vending sticks? She meticulously filled the silver cylinder to the brim, twisting and snapping into place piece by piece until the nearly snout long staff was ready.

Her friends were in awe.

It wasn't that she was capable of doing such a feat that was miraculous; Rainbow Dash or Applejack would have been able to perform the task as well. It was the simple sight of Rarity's eagerness to consume perhaps the strongest cannabis that the world had ever seen. If the nobles of Canterlot saw her now they would have disowned her as a country hick. It was a good thing they didn't know that she was doing a drug that the nobility across the Ungulian Ocean found to be a mystical substance when consumed at a fine enough grade and around the right group of friends.

It only added to the thrill.

"She's really gonna do it," Rainbow whispered, sitting up with a wing wrapped around Applejack and Twilight.

"Rarity!" Fluttershy said in a nearly normal speaking voice, "you can't! I should test it first. You're using too much, you'll-"

"It's nearly impossible to overload on tetrahydrocannabinol," Twilight said. "She'll most likely just pass out. You know, the normal reaction of getting too high, Fluttershy."

"Or trip her balls off!" Rainbow squeed. She was setting a world record for that sound in one day. "I'm still gonna laugh if she pees herself."

Pinkie looked down at Rainbow curiously, swatting at Rainbow's ear playfully. "What is with you and pee today, Dashie? Look, I know what we did last fall was fun-"

"Did I really get ya into that?" Applejack mumbled. "Damn, girl-"

Twilight stroked her chin in contemplation. "Well... as long as she watches her sodium intake-"

"Shut the buck up. All of you." Rainbow hissed.

Rarity couldn't respond in words. The agony of the thoughts that whistled in her head needed to be fixed instantly. The last thing she needed to know was the sexual limits of Rainbow Dash's perverted and deranged mind. There was one permanent solution.

Until the drug wore off of course, and then she would have to remember bits and pieces of that information for the rest of her life.

Her horn flared to life to furiously begin the chemical reaction of heating up and stimulating the marijuana, a massive plus for being a Unicorn. The look on panic on Fluttershy's face would have been slightly funny in another context, but for now Rarity needed to take her mind to another realm.

She knew the drug was ready instinctively. She could feel it through the response it gave to her magic. It was ready.

For her.

Rarity was known as a mare of risk in business, as was natural in her trade. But she was not one in her personal life and consumption of alcohol, food, narcotics, and other sins of the flesh. Except when it came to dark chocolate. Damn the dark chocolate.

At this pivotal time in history however she had decided to damn everything, including her friends and rational thought.

With a gentle tip to an unknown gentlecolt - and to block out the faint argument of Rainbow's sexual ethics - Rarity pressed on the golden button on top of the vaporizer, ready to take a hit and feel pure, clean, filtered THC flood her brain.

She didn't let go of the button for over fifteen seconds.

Chapter Fourteen: Stoned Steamtrain Shenanigans

View Online

Rainbow hovered over the carcass that was formerly her friend Rarity, tilting her muzzle to the side to study Rarity's body.

She looked... well... dead.

"So..." Rainbow clicked her tongue between her teeth. "Do you think that killed her? And we're maybe half way to Canterlot. We could always toss her off the cliffs."

"Rainbow, you can see she is still breathing." Twilight sighed, prodding Rarity's chest gently for a response.

"I was joking," Dash mumbled. "We could sell her coat to griffins though."

Twilight glanced around at her friends before settling her eyes on Rainbow. "Besides, I think that's a suggestion that I need to make first. I'm the one with the magic who could pull it off."

Rainbow bit her bottom lip. "Okay... so that isn't the least bit creepy, 'Doctor' Twilight."

Applejack was not amused by the stupidity of her friends. It was one thing to poke fun of Rarity for the amusement of everypony around her, but it was another for them to do it when she was down and out for the count. She had to draw the line. Somewhere.

And that line was flirting with Twilight. Her ethical code was exceptional.

Applejack raised an eyebrow at Twilight. "It is creepy, Rainbow, but that's her call ta make when things get rough."

"You are so kissing her ass, AJ," Rainbow snickered.

"And it's working," Twilight hummed softly, flicking her tail. "Keep on doing that, Applejack, and you'll make up for earlier."

"But you aren't a doctor, Twilight." Fluttershy laid down beside Rarity, stroking a forehoof up and down her faintly moving chest to scratch at the pristine coat underneath. "You don't know what you are talking about other than theory when it comes to medicine; and that goes for you too, Rainbow."

Fluttershy looked up at Twilight. "She's just... umm... really, really high with the way her right forehoof is tapping lightly onto her coat. Her eyelids are fluttering consistently with what I see in most of my clients. She's alright."

"Hah!" Rainbow stabbed a forehoof into Twilight's side, twirling through the air in victory. "You just got owned by Flutter-oww, my tail!"

Rainbow hung limply in the air with her wild tail momentarily turned into a razor of prismatic hair, Twilight's magic squeezing the hair into a blade. Her crotch was exposed to the world shamelessly, and yet not a single blush was on her muzzle.

"What is with you grabbing my tail all the time, Twilight? Look, I know you like to stop me from doing things and all, but you can always... I don't know... grab the rest of me? I have a nice aircraft carrier, I know! Either clean the runway, or put fuel inside of it. I also don't exactly have a pain tolerance to tail yanking."

"Or play with her sinkhole," Applejack grinned. "I'm sure Pinkie knows all about how ta help ya with that."

Pinkie oinked, stroking Rainbow's tail evilly. "So what you have to do, Twilight, is pull her tail a hoof from the base, and-"

Rainbow returned Pinkie's evil grin. "Hey, Pinkie, remember when I used the chopping board as a paddle? I remember you-"

"Oh look, generic gum over here!" Pinkie whistled casually as she checked under the seats of the train, attempting to hide the burning cherry that began to fissure over her cheeks. It wasn't working.

"Pershing's penis, can ya two shut it?" Applejack said, resting her muzzle in her own mane. Her blond tail hung loosely over the sides of her couch. "She's wakin' up. I... think."

"Give her a minute, Applejack." Fluttershy smiled. "She's most likely having the best dream of her life. Let her enjoy it. The longer she's there, the more she has to tell us of what this is like. I'm... excited!"

"Wait a second, penis!?" Pinkie Pie landed on top of Applejack, who grunted out in agony at the sudden pudgy mass of Pinkie Pie now calling Applejack's body her home.

Pinkie looked down at her current carpet with a beaming smile. "Oh oh oh, is it the hovering out of nowhere kind, Applejack? I've always wondered what they taste like, not having a body attached to them."

Applejack slammed her snout into the base of the seat. "Sometimes... I think Pinkie's retarded."

Recently freed of her magical prison, Rainbow flew over to Applejack to help her with her Pinkie Pie Problem. She scooped up Pinkie with a faint grunt, lifting her up as if she were a bubblegum colored bomb. She plopped her down on the ground, treating Pinkie like a cat jumping up on the wrong counter top. "But don't you think of me like that too sometimes, Applejack?"

Applejack nodded. "I do, RD, and that's why I feel smart."

Rainbow snorted derisively. "'Feel' smart."

Hearing about one of her defining traits being abused was not acceptable to Twilight. She turned toward Applejack and Rainbow, intent on ending the argument once and for all. "I'm just not going to mention I'm the one with a bachelors degree at twenty," she gleamed, stroking the front of her chest in a momentary boast. "Almost done with two more as well."

"But... you just did, Twilight." Rainbow blinked, scratching the back of her mane.

Twilight ignored the comment, turning her attention toward Applejack. "So, Applejack, would you like to talk about poly-cultural crop rotation? I've learned so much from your practical applications in the field."

Pinkie Pie snorted childishly from under a seat. "Heh. 'Crop rotation'."

Rainbow folded her forehooves across her chest, blowing at her bangs. "I'm getting a degree, and I would be getting two if I didn't drop out of one like an idiot." She chuckled dryly, eyeing the bemusement in both Applejack's and Twilight's eyes. "Might go get it anyways. Could be a good back up career. In case... ya know... the one percent chance I don't make it into the Wonderbolts."

"Smartflanking and idiocy?" Twilight asked, flicking her tail. "You're on your post doctorate research on both, Rainbow Dash, so I don't know what you mean by you dropping out of one. I just completed my masters on smartflanking; you've been a good mentor." She gave Dash a playful wink. "Honestly? On that, thanks."

"But where did she get the stupidity degree?" Applejack stroked her chin, glancing at the gum searching Pinkie. She gave Twilight a shrug of her broad shoulders. "I think she forgot to bring that up. But... I got nothin'."

"Hmm," Twilight pondered, laying down beside Applejack. "I'll get back to you on that."

Rainbow's wings flapped loudly in agitation, a faint growl trundling out of her mouth. "Exercise Physiology and Pegasi Structural Engineering. I dropped out of the later-"

Twilight leaned forward, sharing the look of awe that Applejack also held on her muzzle. They both looked at each other, prodding one another with a forehoof to make sure they were still among the living.

She summed up both of their thoughts.

"I am usually not this blunt," Twilight said, "so I really, really mean it, Rainbow. You have to be shitting me."

Twilight was on a roll with her study of curse words and their ample ability to become just about anything they wanted to be. In a grammatical sense of course. Applejack was about to comment on the unexpected word choice, but was interrupted by Rainbow.

"Really?" Rainbow said, pressing her muzzle into Twilight's own. "You think I just trotted into this body? Who has the massive floating pimped out pad? I do. Who do you think built it? My dad, and me. You think cloudcrete is just something you push into place and forget about? I studied a lot to learn what I needed to build that house and my body, you know. I'm smarter than I look."

"I... I didn't know, Rainbow, I'm sorry." Twilight looked away meekly, her eyes bordering on tears. "It was just a joke, and... I didn't know that you wanted to be like your father. That's really admirable."

"And... I didn't either, sugercube." Applejack scoffed at the couch shyly. "Well... Abrams' anus, I feel like an idiot now."

Rainbow landed beside Applejack and Twilight, wrapping a wing around both of them. She let out a deep, loud sigh, cursing under her breath.

"It's my fault for not saying anything about it and being pissy," Rainbow said. Her wings gently squeezed Applejack's and Twilight's sides. "I just... don't want ponies to know about it, I guess. Egghead fear, you know? And I'm just pent up, and you know that."

Twilight bit her bottom lip. "It makes sense though. You always seemed to dodge the question about what you did when you left Flight School. It would explain why there are so many university grade books on physical fitness in your house. I thought you'd maybe be browsing through them, but to know you actually are studying in the field?"

Rainbow smiled softly. "It's okay though, seriously. I kind of do act like a dick all the time, so I earned all of that. Just remember, I'm more complex then ya think. Isn't that... kinda a running gag with me?"

"Tell me about it," Twilight laughed, nuzzling gently into Rainbow's neck. "You bottle up way too much, Rainbow. You might need me as a therapist."

"Hottest therapist I know," Rainbow winked.

"Amen to that," Applejack nodded.

Her snout scrunched up into her neck as her words exited her muzzle, a flaming red blush blasting over her cheeks. "I-I-I said I need my hat! I feel lonely not wearin' it."

Rainbow ruffled a wing messily through Applejack's flowing blond mane. "You're the hottest Earth pony I know, and the hat means I can't see your face as well. Gonna have to deal with not wearing it tonight. You really need to accept, AJ, that you're a hot blond. It's kinda a fact."

Applejack mumbled curses under her breath as Twilight and Rainbow giggled at her rare meekness.

Pinkie Pie leapt from under a train seat to pull Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack into a group hug. "Here's some advice from Aunt Pinkie to you three: Just do each other and get it over with!"

Her three friends turned ruby at Pinkie's completely expected bluntness, their eyes staring at her in an attempt to glare her down.

Pinkie was immune to such mortal gazes.

"No, really," Pinkie said flatly. "Just have sex with each other. I know I said we shouldn't do that, but look at you three. You get along so well and you would be amazing in the bedroom. Dash is really-epp!"

"How about we just hug and ignore me being a bitch for a minute," Rainbow said, idly shoving Pinkie onto a seat with a push of her forehoof. "I totally owe you two drinks."

"That, I can do." Twilight wrapped her forehooves around Rainbow's and Applejack's frames, giving her two friends a tight, firm squeeze, sinking her hooves into their coats.

Dash sighed happily in delight. "Mmm. Twi' hug. The best of hugs."

"What about me?" Applejack said, raising her eyebrow at Rainbow.

"You hug too tightly," Rainbow smiled. "And I get to look at Twilight's sweaty butt when I help her lose weight, since I've looked at your own too much for my own good, Applejack."

As quickly as the hug began, Rainbow was magically shoved into Pinkie by Twilight.

Twilight's violet eyes stared darkly at Rainbow as laughter barked out of Rainbow's muzzle. "You are such a pervert, Rainbow!"

"Never denied that!" Dash squealed. Her grinning grew wider as the scowling growl that trundled out of Twilight's muzzle was joined by Applejack's own chuckling.

"Girls," Fluttershy said, "Rarity's waking up!"

Rarity opened her sapphire eyes to the usual sounds of her friends giving a pristine example of why the six of them were no longer fit to be considered the ideal role model for children. The only thing the Elements of Harmony had going for them was how they loved each other and how they would stick by one another through Tartarus and back. Their bickering was all in playful fun.

Most of the time. Some of the time.

Divine providence just had a sick sense of humor, and liked to pass it along to the chosen saviors of the land.

It didn't matter at the current moment though, because Rarity was so damn high.

"You know," Rarity began, her bloodshot eyes looking at her peers, "I can tell you exactly how I feel right now."

Her friends shuffled forward toward Rarity quickly, as if she had just come back from the dead. Rainbow hovered above her, Twilight and Applejack resting a forehoof each on Rarity's knees. Pinkie simply bounced up and down with the springing excitement that was her trademarked license.

Rarity coughed loudly, sitting up with her forehooves pushed into the floor. Her blue eyes slowly tracked over the excited and curious looks that her friends gave her. "Have you ever been in public, or the movie theater, a party - it doesn't matter - and you've had to hold in a massive bit of flatulence? It can just ruin your night. And you hold it in, and hold it in, and hold it in. And it grows, and grows, and grows, and finally you can go to the bathroom." She tittered drunkenly, resting her head on the seat behind her. "I feel like I just have released myself. An explosion of flatulence! Oh, dears, it is a pleasure of self release I darkly enjoy oh so much."

Rainbow dragged a forehoof across her snout, letting out a furious groan. "So it's disgusting when I talk about farting, but completely okay when she does it? Give me that vaporizer, Rarity!"

"Well..." Twilight blinked, scratching an ear. "That was unexpected. I'm not sure if I want to try it now. If this is what it can do to Rarity, then what we have here is a substance that we should absolutely not try, considering our mental histories."

"You don't get it, Twilight." Pinkie grabbed Twilight, shaking her violently. "It's so good that it can switch our personalities around. Don't you see the possibilities? It means I can be normal. It means Fluttershy can have confidence. It's the greatest drug since... since..."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Aspirin? Penicillin? No, Pinkie. It's not."

"Oh, but it's so bloody close," Rarity rumbled. She stood up slowly, shaking herself off with a nickering sigh of content as her body and tail swayed to the movement of her relieving exhale.

She turned toward her friends, unable to keep a relaxed smile from spreading over her muzzle. "Please try it, everypony. I feel like I've just received a full body massage with a happy ending."

"Too much information, Rarity," Twilight said, stroking her forehead gently. "Although this might be evidence that Pinkie's theory on this drug switching our personalities around could be true."

Pinkie folded her forehooves across her chest. "I might not have solved the eaten cake mystery, Twilight, but I know my drugs. I... think."

"And that isn't even the start of how I feel," Rarity tittered, swishing her tail behind herself. "I feel like I've finished a dress, did an intense and soul purging yoga lesson, duck taped Pinkie's mouth-"


"-and successfully got Twilight and Rainbow to date, love, marry, and live happily ever after. It will be the most beautiful wedding since Shining Armor's and Cadance's, filled with-"

Rarity's friends blinked in unison, their muzzles blank at the information that was given to them. They looked at each other slowly, processing the long and arduous day that they had undertaken together.

Their eyes quietly passed every bit of knowledge that they had. Every plan that was supposed to have happened.

The whole night had been explained, and it only required drugging up Rarity.

"Nice job ruining our surprise, Rarity," Pinkie grunted. "We planned for like... fifteen minutes for that. And now it's all gone! Do you have any idea how much planning fifteen minutes is for me?"

"Poor Rarity," Fluttershy said, folding her ears. "She did all of that planning for hours and now it's ruined. Isn't that awful, Pinkie Pie?"

"Well," Applejack began, licking her bottom lip, "this solves 'n explains just about every problem and the whole damn day. An' we didn't even need to play Truth or Dare to get it out of Rarity. Maybe reefer madness can really help make the world a better place, lettin' Rarity get all of her scheming off of her chest an' helping us and ponies relax when the goin' gets tough."

She looked at Twilight with a faint smile, placing a forehoof on her shoulder. "Maybe ya need to take a hit after all, Twilight. You've been almost as tense as Rarity."

Twilight rolled her eyes dismissively, dodging the notion that she had emotional issues and tension inside of her. "I think I'll pass considering the potency of the stuff, Applejack. Not to mention, Rarity, that when Rainbow, Applejack, and I compared the evidence and what had happened today, we pretty much knew that you were doing this several hours ago. Now that you have just admitted to your own scheming, and Pinkie and Fluttershy have as well, that settles it."

Rainbow folded her forehooves across her chest, her nostrils sniffing the silver shaft. "I told you I know more about relationships than Rares. And you all think I suck with reading ponies' emotions sometimes."

"I hate to say this, Rainbow," Fluttershy said, pressing a forehoof into Rainbow's side, "but you do. You can be very insensitive."

"Eeeeeyup," Applejack nodded.

Twilight looked up at Rainbow inserting the vaporizer into her muzzle to take several quiet, almost philosophical puffs at Fluttershy's words. She stroked her chin for several moments. "So maybe Pinkie is right. This drug could be the ultimate lie detector. Or it could explain why the Neightherlands' royal family get along so well with each other."

Fluttershy giggled excitedly, clopping her forehooves together. "I could make a fortune cornering the market here in Equestria! Then I can use the money to secretly sabotage logging companies in Brayzil. I can save the rain forest!"

For a few seconds, Rarity stood there in mute silence, the gears of her active mind churning together what she had just said. The magically infused THC had numbed part of her brain and awakened others. Clearly, it had activated the parts she didn't exactly want to be known. But it was too late.

She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again.

“Well. Buck,” she said. “This weed is so good that I have turned into Applejack. Well played, Fluttershy, well played.”

“But... I didn't do or plan anything, Rarity." Fluttershy tilted her muzzle to the side. "I told you I wanted to test it first, but you took it away from me before I could."

"But... ya offered it to her in the spa," Applejack said, scratching the back of her mane.

"Oh no, I offered before I even tested it first. I am an awful pony!"


Pinkie grabbed Fluttershy, lifting her up onto her hind legs. She pressed her muzzle into Fluttershy's own, shaking her gently. "Keep, cool, Fluttershy! We all would've done the same thing if we were you, too. Whatever you do, don't panic."

Twilight stared at Pinkie.

Pinkie turned her muzzle to look back at Twilight, her own eyes matching the glare that Twilight gave her.

"You win for now, Twilight. For now."

Rarity pulled herself up onto her seat, laying down on her side slowly. “I’m just going to inhale through my nose and completely let myself forget that my entire hidden agenda for this evening was compromised by a stupendously good batch of marijuana." She hummed casually, looking at her own forehoof. "And now I am only reconfirming what I could have attempted to fix. My mouth just seems to be constantly running itself, as it is apt to do from time to time when I am stressed. And you know what? Frankly, my dears, I just don’t give a damn. It feels wonderful not to be paranoid about scheming things."

She tilted her head toward Rainbow, who seemed content to take her time and take very small, suckling nips on the drug. "You really should try it, Twilight sweetie."

Twilight bit her bottom lip nervously. “I kind of want to enjoy how Fluttershy inadvertently helped me have a strategic victory. You know, me effortlessly dominating you without even having to try as my enemies sabotage themselves with their own tactics. Typical results when people play me in strategy games."

"Now calm down there, Twi'," Applejack faintly growled, her emerald eyes glaring at her. "Don't pull a Dasha now."

Twilight sighed quietly, shaking her muzzle at Applejack as she looked at the ground. "Fine. Why do I have such high ethical standards for myself all the time?"

"Uhh..." Applejack blinked. "Cause... yer're... a good pony?"

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't, Applejack. Sometimes I wish I could just let go for once."

Hovering in the air and puffing for the last time onto the vaporizer, Rainbow's magenta eyes looked down at the long, silver staff. She pulled it away slowly, blowing out a jet of water vapor from her nose.

“Holy crap,” Rainbow whistled, landing on top of a seat lazily. “This... this is different than any pot we’ve ever tried. This is like... the solving of world problems kind of weed, and I feel only slightly dizzy. You gotta try this. It’s like... the essence of being a pony kind of weed.”

"Mother of Celestia," Pinkie mumbled under her breath, "it's turned Dash into a hipster. I don't know if this is amazing, or I should begin to immediately kill her." She stroked her chin. "Decisions, decisions."

Twilight shook her head at Rainbow. "We should talk about what's going on first, and what our new plans are, since this has changed everything. Now we can be... well... adults, and discuss exactly who has feelings for wh-"

“Try the damn weed!” Rainbow yelled, shoving the vaporizer into Twilight's muzzle. She held down the trigger for Twilight, just like a good friend should.

"Yes," Pinkie cheered with a hoof pump. "I don't have to kill her. Whew! Annoying hipsters are my mortal enemies. As is Thor."

"You will love it," Rarity giggled, her magic thrumming to life to help Rainbow hold down the grip. "I promise, sweetie, everything will become clear once Rainbow and I abuse our friendship. We are generous and loyal friends after all, and this is the morally right thing to do."

Applejack clicked her tongue between her teeth. "I... I should stop this, but the simple thought of seein' Twi' completely gone sounds interestin'." Her ears folded by the side of her muzzle. "I'm ashamed of myself, but the mare needs to relax."

"There, there, Applejack," Fluttershy cooed, wrapping a wing around Applejack. "It's just harmless fun. And Pinkie is right: Sometimes you have to tie down and force Twilight to do things in order for her to realize how much fun they are. It's the same with me too."

Applejack retreated from Fluttershy. "That... that is perhaps the most bucked up moral I've ever heard comin' from you, Fluttershy. What is wrong with you, girl?"

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy. "I'm... gonna agree with Applejack on this, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy dug her forehooves into Applejack and Pinkie Pie's coats, lifting them up in each of her forehooves. Her mako colored eyes radioactively glowed with anger as she bored her eyes into the pinpricks that her friends gave her in return.

"It cost me nearly five thousand bits to get just the seeds and a year to grow them. So you're gonna like it, and let her like it. Got it?"

Applejack and Pinkie gulped down the balls of saliva that had wadded up in their throats, nodding their heads in unison. Their eyes turned to look at the ungraceful flailing of Twilight's futile attempts to physically stop Rainbow and Rarity from giving her a massive injection of THC.

Sure, Twilight could have used her magic to shove every object within a ten foot radius around her away, but being choked of her oxygen supply wasn't helping, nor was she open to killing her friends most of the time.

Twilight had the best of friends. She truly did.

Eventually, Rainbow and Rarity released their grip on Twilight after nearly half a minute of forcing her to inhale and exhale injection after injection of royalty grade cannabis vapor. She coughed loudly and repeatedly, completely invaliding the point of even smoking the substance with a vaporizer. It took all of her effort to keep herself standing, and even in that endeavor she failed, leaning into a seat to keep herself upright.

"Forcing me... to try an illegal drug doesn't help with me not wanting to kill you all," Twilight wheezed. "It... it..."

Her eyes were once a beautiful violet, and in fact they still were. What wasn't beautiful was the glowing red bloodshot veins that pulsated across them; the overwhelming rush of not being quite on Equestria filling her brain. Her vision was blurry from the flood of hormones dancing in her bloodstream, and her fur stuck up on its edges at the mixed signals that her brain could not fully process.

Twilight Sparkle was really, really stoned. Far more stoned than she had ever been in her entire life, and far more stoned than a mare like her at a time like this should be.

"Maybe... we gave her too much?" Rainbow said, resting a forehoof gently on Rarity's back. "I did take it kinda slow, and I feel pretty friggin good."

"Perhaps a wee bit," Rarity giggled. "But she'll be alright. Look at me: I'm doing pretty well. Although spilling my secrets and letting out all of that tension certainly helps as well, Dash."

Pinkie reached forward to take the vaporizer from Twilight, looking it over curiously. "I don't know," she said. "As Fluttershy said, we have forced her into a lot of things that she's liked later."

"I'm okay," Twilight panted quietly. She took a step forward, stumbling on her hooves until she regained her balance. "I'm okay! Just... wow. Holy... wow. I... living. I live, right? We're living... right? How are we alive? We've been through so many things that should have killed us. But here we are, alive! Damn do I feel alive. And... do I have wings? I feel like I'm not quite touching the ground."

"Silly filly," Pinkie giggled, nipping at the tip of the vaporizer, "you don't become an alicorn by getting high. We'd all look horrible as alicorns. You'd be cute as one though."

Twilight took a few more steps forward, giggling quietly to herself as she let out a wild nicker, shaking her muzzle and mane from side to side as if she had just taken a cold shower. "Whew! I... I can't even describe how I feel. I feel like Rainbow Dash just had sex with me. Or is me. Or we're one. Or we had sex as one. Does... that make any sense?"

Applejack turned to look at Fluttershy. "Are... are ya sure there ain't no LSD in that?"

"I'm sure," Fluttershy nodded, her wings spread in delight. "I think she's just had too much, is releasing it like Rarity, and is simply enjoying the full body experience. Oh I'm going to save so many trees with this!"

Pinkie shrugged, blowing out a gentle huff of air from the end of her muzzle. "I agree with Rainbow. You have to take this slow. It might help Twilight with her Asper-"

She screeched as she held her left eye with a forehoof, falling over onto a seat with a whimper as Twilight trotted past her. "What the hay, Twilight!? Why is everypony hitting me in the eye today?"

Twilight could not help but turn her head around with a soft, snide grin, flicking her tail casually across Pinkie's face. "Opps. Sorry, Pinkie, I think it was a muscle twitch."

Rainbow and Rarity blinked, looking at each other silently as Twilight slowly walked away from Pinkie.

"I'm watching you, Twilight," Pinkie mumbled, suckling onto the vaporizer. "I'm doubly watching you. You can... woah..."

She leaned forward unintentionally. Or very intentionally. Her tail swished excitedly onto the seat underneath her as she looked over Twilight's withers. "Twilight. You, are, hot. Dash was right. I love what beat you got bumpin' in that trunk of yours."

"Hey!" Rainbow said, stabbing a forehoof into Pinkie's snout, "what did you say about not wanting to date her?"

"Dating isn't the same as eye candy, Rainbow," Pinkie said. "Just... just look at her. Look, at, that."

Twilight slowly swayed her curved rump, laying down on her side with a seductive grin tracing itself across her muzzle. Her long, flowing tail curled around her body, her left forehoof stroking down the length sinfully. It was as if she were a supervillain petting her tail like her evil cat.

Applejack twirled a forehoof through her blond mane. “Ya know... sometimes, I think we’re a train wreck waitin' to happen. I'm not sure if we are better sober, or drunk, or high. Things screw up around us. Or... we're just screwed up, and we don't know it. But ya know what? Hot damn does Twilight look good."

“Shh!” Rarity hissed, grabbing Applejack to use her as a pillow. “We’re watching our lovely purple project show how wonderfully grown up she has become. Oh you magnificent mare. Go Twilight!”

"Do you like what you see, Pinkie?" Twilight nickered lustfully. Her eyes fluttered rapidly at Pinkie as she twirled a hoof through her tail, glancing at her friends looking at her. "I feel fantastic letting loose all of this tension. This must be what Rarity feels like, but she's not important compared to what I'd do to your cutie mark, Pinkie Pie."

"Is... Twilight flirting with Pinkie?" Fluttershy whispered. "This is-"

“Shh!’ Dash said, pressing a forehoof to Fluttershy's muzzle. “She’s being hot. Never interrupt Twilight being hot. This is off the charts hot."

Twilight leaned forward to bring her muzzle as close as she could to Pinkie's, showing off the definition in her thighs and hind legs. She slowly traced her tongue across her lips, smiling at the burning blush that stained Pinkie's muzzle. "And if you don't get a colt or mare tonight, Pinkie, I might come to you in more ways than one."

“Well," Applejack sighed, letting her mane and coat be brushed to Rarity's content, "I guess she had to lose that final bit of her innocence one day. Y'all can blame me for givin' up on tryin' to save our foalhoods."

"I was innocent once?" Rainbow asked, landing beside Applejack. She grinned at the little hums of peace that Rarity made as she pet Applejack. "Because I could go on forever about Flight School and what I used to do."

Applejack slammed her head into the seat once more, accepting her fate as Rarity's current pet pony. "Ya know, reefer madness might really be the solution. For me."

“U-U-umm, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, removing the vaporizer from her muzzle. “I-I-I’m pretty sure you never had eyeliner before. I-I-It makes you sexy-I-I-I mean-” She was blushing much more than the pot should have made her.

Rarity cooed happily, squeezing her Apple plushie. “Yes she is. I gave her eyeliner the same color as her muzzle and eyes so you can only notice it when she purrs like she does. Oh my wonderful Twilight Sparkle do you sparkle!

Abandoning Applejack as effortlessly as she had claimed her, she reached forward to kiss Twilight on the cheek, stroking through her silky mane.

“Ohh how fine your hair is. I-”

"Hah, she fell for it!" Twilight burst out into a torrent of cackles, burying her snout into Rarity's neck. "I was thinking to myself with this new look I could practice my flirting, and clearly it worked! I didn't know being this high improved my self confidence so much! Or maybe you are right, Rarity; we've just stopped caring and can start relaxing."

"I'm so happy for you all," Fluttershy said. She hovered over Twilight to give her a kiss on the forehead, giggling profusely. "To know that you two can finally relax after what we've been through today is wonderful."

Pinkie Pie on the other hoof was not amused by Twilight's flirting simply being a test. She mumbled incoherently to herself, puffing out air from the end of her muzzle. "Well at least I have this." She pulled on the trigger longer, her cerulean eyes relaxing as they closed in contemplation.

Contemplation wasn't very open or willing on being anywhere within the natural body heat of Pinkie Pie's frame, but it was sadly pulled there without its consent. Despite all of the flailing it did as it was suckled into Pinkie Pie's chemically altered mind, her mind didn't sodomize Contemplation in her currently altered state. It was lucky.

When Pinkie's eyes opened she no longer looked quite like herself. She was in an odd sort of peace. A peace with so many sides of her personality that it felt like she was whole for the first time in her life.

She felt... grounded.

"Wow." Pinkie whistled loudly. "Rainbow Dash was right. I feel like every side of me is all in one pony. This... is incredible! You've saved me from myself, Fluttershy."

"I have absolutely no idea what she's talkin' about," Applejack said, getting up to steal the vaporizer from Pinkie. "And so I'm gonna use this, like Rarity, and have absolutely no idea what's goin' on anymore." She folded her ears as she looked down at the vaporizer. "I'm gonna miss you, brain."

"Pinkie Pie has two personalities, like Twilight does when she's CORAD insane," Dash said, poking Applejack's cheek with a forehoof. "I've almost never seen her like this, so this is kinda interesting."

Placing the rod in her mouth with a shrug, Applejack eyed Twilight and Rarity giggling, cuddling, and half crawling on top of each other. Her emerald eyes stared off into the distance as she clicked on the trigger, puffing out air from the end of her mouth. "Very interestin' taste," she said. "Kinda earthy, chocolate, and spiced all at once. How in the hay did they do that?"

"You have to realize, Applejack, that this is grown by the Neightherlands' royal family." Fluttershy hung her forehooves over Rainbow's side, the front half of her body perched over Rainbow like a house cat, joining the seat that she and Applejack had taken. She idly stroked through the long chromatic mane in front of her. "They have some of the finest botanists and mages who have worked over hundreds of years to make this. Because it's legal over there, they really made it into a science. I'm not even sure if it should be called cannabis with how magically changed and enhanced it is."

She smiled peacefully at Applejack. "Do you mind me trying it?"

"Well... you bought it so I think-Rainbow!"

"Tehe," Dash giggled, puffing on the stolen stick. "I haven't felt like not making a rude joke since... well... the last time I made myself so sore I couldn't move."

"Oh my!" Fluttershy gasped. "This has to be potent if it can keep you from making jokes, Dashie." She took hold of the vaporizer with a wing, smiling at the faint pout that Rainbow made.

"I'm glad that we all are enjoying this," Rarity said. "Do you all have any idea how panicked I've been about today?" She looked up at Twilight. "I mean... yes, I have completely and utterly lost at this point, Twilight, but hopefully things can only look up from here, no?"

Applejack snorted. "Knowin' us, Rarity, I doubt it."

"Don't you damn my optimism!" Rarity yelled at Applejack, her friends pressing their snouts into their necks at her voice. "Cannabis can only do so much for me. Don't let my rational side take over and make me cry. You don't want to hear me cry."

"Don't make her cry, Applejack," Twilight whimpered. "Please. She's right beside me, and I enjoy having my ear drums."

"I just wanted for you to find love, Twilight," Rarity sniffled, stroking through Twilight's mane. "Not that we all don't love you, but romantic love. Or a good shag. We all could use a good shagging at this point. I think Rainbow could give you a good one."

"My Pinkie Sense tells me if we weren't on this train this would've become an orgy in about an hour," Pinkie said, laying down on her stomach. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but it could've or still could happen!"

Twilight smiled a strategists' smile. "How do you know it won't, Pinkie? Maybe that'll be my revenge on all of you for trying to control me today. Or, maybe I'll tie you all up and tease Rarity in front of you all, since it was her idea in the first place to do all of this. And then I'll make all of you beg for me to do it to you. Or maybe..."

Five pairs of brightly colored eyes turned into dots of fear. Twilight's friends were far too sober and more than capable of understanding the implications of her words.

Soon enough, Twilight herself registered what she had said, her ears folding by the sides of her muzzle as a glowing blush burned across her cheeks. She squeed innocently, doing her best to deflect her own words.

"Or maybe... we'll just party!" Her forehooves clopped together loudly as she chuckled, looking over her friends. "Heheh. I like partying!" Her magic pulled away the vaporizer from Fluttershy violently, deconstructing it to add more cannabis to the cylinder. "I... might want to get that side of me checked out."

Rainbow clicked her tongue between her teeth. "Yeah... I like being spanked and all, and while I'd totally be your sex slave in private, Twilight, I'm not really up for seeing all of us being chained up by you. Just saying."

"That information was absolutely necessary, wasn't it, Rainbow?" Rarity said blankly.

"Are ya gonna argue with her on the point?" Applejack said.

Rarity stared at the ground, shaking her snout.

Pinkie gasped loudly. "Wait a minute, Twilight; how could you predict you going insane and forcing us to be your sex slaves. You magnificent bas-"

"Pinkie," Twilight said flatly, "you were with me when I found the time traveling spell. And I was joking. I... think."

"Oh, buck! There's a time traveling spell out there, and you know it, Twilight?" Rainbow frantically looked at her friends, sweat pouring down her neck as she glanced around the cabin. "Okay, what happened in the bathrooms of the Colosseum was totally consensual, and they liked it. I was in heat, and had been flirting all night, and I didn't mind what they did, or the mess we made. Honest!"

"Rainbow Lightning Dash." Fluttershy leaned over to take the newly rebuilt vaporizer from Twilight, inserting it into Rainbow's muzzle. "I hate to say this, but you might be a nymphomaniac."

Pinkie tapped her forehooves together rapidly on the couch. "Yeah... Fluttershy is right. Now I'm a fan of parties, but if you go that far, you have a problem, Rainbow. And that's coming from me."

"I'm so glad I can't fully picture what she did right now," Applejack sighed happily, rolling over onto her back. "That is so nice."

Twilight stroked her chin, looking up at the ceiling. "That... explains so much about Rainbow Dash."

Fluttershy massaged Rainbow's side, listening to her rumble in content at the kneading of her toned frame. "Now, Rainbow, there are many ways we can help you with your sexual urges. The first step-"

"-is for me to say that I find it utterly arousing she's so charged, and that I will more than happily teach Rainbow some techniques to help her with her problems," Rarity said.

Her friends stared at her, their eyes blinking rapidly at the unexpected response, questioning their own grip on the mortal coil.

Perhaps Fluttershy's marijuana had done more than just calm Pinkie down as much as one could sedate her. Perhaps they all had died, or that their personalities had really been switched due to the magically enchanted chemicals flowing through their brains.

Or Rarity simply repressed her sex drive and was finally letting herself loose. It was a pretty valid answer.

She continued without regret. "You think with my sister and the bloody clients I have who need their pricks rearranged conveniently up the nearest timber wolf scrotum that I just titter it off and hop along with my day? Goodness no." Rarity barked out a sharp laugh, Twilight flinching at the ringing in her ears. "I ravage myself constantly to keep myself from deciding to tell ungrateful, pompous gits to sod off on their whorish mistresses they call 'companions'. Or flat out murder someone."

Rarity shuffled in place, her mind replaying the words that had escaped from her muzzle over and over again inside of her head. She blinked for a few moments, the blinking given back in return by her friends.

"Well..." she said, "It seems this batch makes me... rather... 'loose' with my vocabulary and inner desires." She shrugged. "Well those thoughts have been repressed for far too long! It was time they got out of my head and were known."

"I think you all need to come to my house and have therapy with me," Fluttershy said. "What we should do, is that once a week I sit down with each of you, and-"

Rainbow's wings shot up from the sides of her body, Fluttershy squeaking as she was shoved over by the pomfing of Rainbow's powerful wings. "I think Rarity officially just jumped several points on the hotness scale, unless I'm the only pony here who just heard her friggin swear like a boss. Hay yes I will learn anything you teach me, and you can learn from me. And... uh... can you swear more, because I think my wings and hind legs kind of enjoyed that. A lot."

"Why thank you, Dashie dear." Rarity hummed softly, flicking her mane and tail. "If I am asked about it, you and I are very gifted with our tongues in more ways than one. We have the same bite, but of a different poison."

Twilight turned to stare into Rarity's eyes. "How high are you? First you want Rainbow and I to date and have sex, and now you want to share masturbation advice at the least and are flirting with her?" She shoved Rarity gently. "I'm the one here who is contemplating how we're still alive here. Don't make me question it even more than I already do!"

"I don't think you understand, Twilight," Rarity said, resting a forehoof over Twilight's neck. "How can you two have sex if I can't make sure her knowledge, skill, and past boasting is true?"

"I don't even care anymore," Twilight groaned, resting her muzzle on her seat. "Go tongue buck Rainbow for all I care. We were planning on having you two date each other anyways."

"You can't take a half joke," Rarity pouted.

Rainbow looked at Twilight and Rarity, tilting her muzzle to the side. "So... am I dating both of you? I'm kinda confused."

Applejack shivered, her leg muscles twitching as she pulled the vaporizer from Rainbow's muzzle. "I... I think Rarity just made swearin' an art. Dasha's a nympho, an' Rarity wants to teach her things, and we were plannin' on having ya two hook up, an' too much manure is happenin'."

She panted frantically, her eyes bulging in panic as her friends eyed her curiously. "And oh hayseeds, I'm picturin' what Dash did 'n Cloudsdale now! Buckin' damn it! I... I think I'm havin' a panic attack. Oh to Tartarus with this and ya'll, 'cause I'm gettin' bucked up until I pass out. I can't take it anymore!"

Pinkie shook her head as a wide range of emotions shifted across her snout. She settled on perplexed. "So... you all think I'm the one here who can be insane in the membrane? Me? Me?" Her forehooves moved up in an attempt to make herself look even more confused. She gave up, dropping them beside her. "I'm done. We're all nuts, I'm just the only one who admits it. Oh, and Twilight, I know exactly how you feel right now, and I can tell you, I'm sorry we put you through this. I'm sorry I put you through this. I just like making you laugh."

"Thank you, Pinkie!" Twilight cheered. "Now you know why I binge eat! And it's not going to stop anytime soon."

"So ignoring the serene insanity around us," Rarity said, turning toward Twilight, "it seems I have not been the only one dancing with secrets, no?'"

"I knew something was up the first second you said something," Rainbow said. "I'm not stupid, Rares, and I've been in more relationships than pretty much all of you combined. I just didn't want to say anything to ruin Twilight's night. But... a lot of things happened."

"And I would be lying to say that I still think you and Twilight would make a fantastic couple, Rainbow. You balance each other out so well."

Twilight chuckled shyly, her eyes darting between Rarity and Rainbow. "And well... I'd be lying if Rainbow opening up to me at the library didn't... well... touch me."

Rarity cried out in delight. "So you do have feelings for each other! Wonderful! If-"

"We do slightly, but that's not important right now," Twilight said. "Our plan is for Applejack and I to go on a double date with you and Rainbow. We think you and Rainbow would balance each other out, and-"

All that could be heard coming out from Rarity's muzzle was the faint, mute cry of stuttering hiccups. She sounded as if she were choking on her own soul. She was.

And Rainbow rightfully found it hilarious.

"That right there," Rainbow squealed, pointing at Rarity. "That is the face I do want to see again! It's the face and sound I made when Applejack told me that was her plan, and Twilight thought it was good too. Gosh I must be cute sometimes."

"You are cute," Twilight said with a snide smile. "Whenever you get angry and push your muzzle into your neck? Record breaking."

"Here here!" Pinkie gaveled, tapping a forehoof onto the floor.

Fluttershy closed her eyes contently. "Oh yes. When we used to kiss in Flight School, Rainbow used to blush like Rarity is right now. Sometimes I would just fall over giggling seeing her all shy like that."

Twilight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie giggled as Rarity and Rainbow looked at each other meekly, their cheeks glowing a flaming red.

"Fluttershy," Rainbow hissed between her teeth, her wings scratching at her chest, "why did you have to bring up Flight School in front of Rarity? Or everypony?"

"W-w-well I find you... erm... 'cute' at times too, Rainbow." Rarity coughed quietly, adjusting Twilight's mane gently. "The way you sputter and fluster when you are cornered in an embarrassing moment is-"

Rarity eyed Applejack and the twitching red veins that pulsated in her eyes from each hit of the vaporizer that she took. With a loud groan she pulled away the cylinder from Applejack's grasp with a loud twank of magic. "Oh for Celestia's sake, Applejack, you are treating it like Braeburn's knob. Don't choke on it, mare, it's not going anywhere!"

The short silence that followed Rarity's vulgarities were followed by the waterfall of laughter that poured from her friends' muzzles. Rainbow fell onto the floor of the train, soon enough followed by Fluttershy and Pinkie's whinnying cackles as they landed on top of Rainbow, losing themselves to the profound confusion etched across Applejack's face.

The blush on Rarity's face grew as she looked at her friends. "W-w-well. I... I guess I have quite a tongue when I am a bit high, now don't I?" she chuckled.

"P-P-please!" Rainbow squeaked, clinging onto Pinkie as if she were a life preserver, "you have to stop swearing, Rarity. Or don't stop. You are stupidly funny on this stuff. I'm... I'm dying. Oh my gosh. Why haven't you ever shown this side of you?"

"Because I'm afraid of you all not approving of me being... well... looser with my tongue than what I wish to show myself being." Rarity bit her bottom lip, rolling her eyes with a dramatic sigh. "Oh fine, you cruel mares who I consider to be my sisters, you have broken me! Yes, Rainbow, I can be vulgar; and I will 'accept' this... 'ploy' of yours, Twilight, simply because I am high enough not to think clearly of the consequences. But only, Rainbow Dash, if you behave moderately better than you normally do. There's loose and-"

"Heh," Applejack chuckled, her bloodshot eyes flicking to life. "Dasha's... Dasha's jaw would be loose after Braeburn used her. That's really loose."

"And because I'm not Rainbow," Rarity smiled falsely, "I will accept that Applejack is very far gone and not-"

Rainbow slid forward, pressing her muzzle into Applejack's. "Oh my gosh, is he that big?"

"As I was saying, Rainbow, you-"

"Length wise he is," Applejack tittered, wrapping a forehoof around Rainbow's shoulder. "I caught him with two very distant cousins last year. Let's just say they weren't walkin' straight after that."

Rarity's voice became more dejected. "-or Applejack-"

"Mare please, you don't know how deep my throat is," Rainbow preened. "I'd try to give him a good run for his money in my plot, but I can't make any promises on that."

Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Twilight nodded together. "Nymphomaniac."

"I've heard he's gotta train of a load," Applejack giggled, falling face forward onto the floor. "Oh shoot, I'm more plastered than the Valentine's Day Massacre. I think I must have taken forty hits."

"You know, Twilight," Rarity sighed deeply, "perhaps you should choose Fluttershy-"

"Hey!" Pinkie growled. "A lot of chocolate was ruined that day, Applejack. Expensive chocolate from Zebraica, and Moorocco, and Baysium, and Germaney. The losses were in the millions! Don't spoil their memory."

Rarity exhaled, placing the vaporizer into her muzzle for a few hits of self reflection. She felt her own eyes slowly fill in with the chemical heat dancing on her tongue once again. "Twilight? May I ask you something now that you are done for the moment at toying with us?"

Twilight stole the silver baton of either the Elements' salvation or damnation from Rarity, suckling onto the tip gently. She contemplated how some force of emotional purity still considered them as the bastion of Equestrias' salvation.

Her purple eyes were lightly sprinkled with dull red lightning going across their edges. "Yes?" Twilight said. "If it involves me being happy about not even trying to beat you, and still beating you without trying, yes, that's the reason you all trust me to lead."

"Insignificant," Rarity hummed, zoning out the sexual bets of Applejack and Rainbow were exchanging with one another. "What if I told you that I plan on taking us to one of the largest, hippest clubs in Canterlot, and plan on us eating, drinking, and dancing the night away until all six of us can't think straight for the next few days is on the menu? I think it sounds wonderful myself."

Fluttershy hovered over Rarity and Twilight, wrapping a forehoof around both of them. "Then I'd say, yay! I think all of us could use that. Although I'm not sure Applejack will be dancing anytime soon."

Applejack had decided to pin down Rainbow onto the train floor, her heavier body pressed into Rainbow's as her tongue idly decided to stab itself inside of Rainbow's muzzle. Pinkie cheered wildly as Applejack suckled messily onto the saliva gurgling churns that Rainbow's vocal chords gave her in return.

Rainbow was doing a stellar job at not shoving Applejack off of her, and of slurping and drooling saliva back into Applejack's muzzle.

"Maybe... she smoked too much." Fluttershy chuckled.

"Do you think we should stop them?" Twilight said, looking at Rarity.

Rarity waved a forehoof at Twilight. "Just let our dates get it out of their systems. We have enough to worry about, and it also allows us to study what they are capable of. A bit barbaric for my tastes, but Rainbow can be tamed with the right hoof I believe. Hopefully."

Chapter Fifteen: Prelude To The Lassitude

View Online

To ponies who hadn't lived there, Canterlot seemed to be the model of what equinity strived to be.

It was the pinnacle of Equestrian culture: Beautiful domes, magical marble, mystical lights, and brilliant minds printing out the knowledge that would change the world was at the core of the city's culture. It was where the finest arts, greatest scholars, oldest lore, and most ancient of buildings stood the test of time. It proclaimed what Celestia and Luna had helped build and cultivate over two millenniums of progress.

It was exactly that. It was only a model. The world at large seemed to collectively forget what the children of millionaires and the upper-middle class did in their spare time. Some of them would indeed change Equestria and Ungulia in the future, and some of them would follow in their parents' hoofsteps at keeping the intellectual and bureaucratic gears of Equestria churning for another generation.

But did Equestria really think the children of nobles and scholars were bastions of moral purity?

Sadly, they did.

Moral purity and thousands of twenty-something ponies in a confined space never went hoof-in-hoof, regardless of income bracket, educational level, or chosen by Providence to be examples of virtue. Virtue had a good talk with Decadence recently on Providence's behalf. Virtue had been a bit uptight over the eons, and Decadence had decided to loosen up Virtue's standards.

Rarity lead her sisters-in-arms - or more accurately in drugs - to the Undercity of Canterlot once they had stumbled off of the train. If it wasn't for the THC and residue alcohol flowing through her blood the glares that she received from the middle-age upper class gentry around her would have made her whimper on the inside and feel slightly uncomfortable on the outside at the least. Surrounded by her friends in a small herd of varying states of mental intoxication was a most excellent shield for her more socially concerned mind to hide its problems.

She was also more attractive than ninety nine percent of the ponies around her at the bare minimum, and could have surely and utterly ruined the groins of the nobles around her in more ways than one, if she didn't do so through her verbal bombardment of both clever and vulgar retorts. The Rainbow Dash like satisfaction in knowing that she had the best traits from most levels of society only bolstered her swagger and glee. The ways in which she and Rainbow shared some personality traits had to be pushed to a corner of her mind in thinking that she shared any traits with her other than being of the same species and sex.

The other Elements of Harmony followed Rarity semi-cohesively through the city streets toward the more hidden side of Canterlot that the natives tried to forget, but were secretly thankful for. Built into the cliffs underneath Canterlot and sprawling deep inside of the mountain, thousands of upper middle class ponies and their university going children called the Undercity of Canterlot their home. Soothing magical street lights lite up the polished tunnels and open caverns of the Undercity, its buildings built in and around the caves, merging Unicorn architecture with Earth pony engineering brilliance.

"While I do not think I could ever fully adjust to living inside of a mountain," Rarity said, "I must admit that they have done a wonderful job of making it habitable."

She turned around toward her friends, her forehoof sweeping over the curved main streets that arched up and down the tunnels. "Look at this! Beautifully lit, marvelous designing of these houses and shops built into the bedrock, polished to remove most of the dreadful dust that one would normally find in a cave, and-"

"Rarity," Rainbow said, placing a forehoof on her shoulder, "if you are trying to give me a wing boner by talking about buildings you aren't gonna do it. I don't know that much about non-Pegasi architecture."

Rarity sighed loudly. "Must you think just because I am talking about patterns and designs of something slightly related to what you enjoy I am pandering to you?"


"And have you not realized that much like Twilight sees patterns in the scientific world that I see patterns in everything that equinity has created?"

Rainbow paused, her eyes slowly blinking in thought. "Uhh... no. Not really. I just thought that you liked culture, and art, and stuff like that. When you put it that way though, this place is mega cool with how the buildings bend with the walls."

Rarity wrapped her forehoof around Rainbow's shoulder, smiling brightly. "You see, darling? Just because it is not one's area of expertise does not mean you can not enjoy its beauty."

Twilight rubbed a forehoof into her forehead. "I'm not the only pony here who is hearing Rarity and Rainbow talking about architecture and having a fun time about it, am I? If I am, I have officially gone insane. A lot of crazy things have happened today, but that is just something that I'm not sure I can hear and think I'm sane afterwards."

"I think it's adorable." Fluttershy giggled. "It just shows how much Rainbow Dash and Rarity have in common that they hadn't realized before."

"Applejack may have been right on the train," Twilight said. "Maybe cannabis is the solution to most of our problems. It-"

"Is that a Hot Topic!?"

Applejack grabbed Pinkie Pie, pointing to the ebony colored shop. "I've always wanted to go in one, but never had the courage to say I did. I'm gonna get me some souvenirs."

Pinkie giggled excitedly, hopping in place. "I like high you, Applejack. Let's go buy things we don't have any use for and don't remember getting tomorrow morning. Yay!"

"I'm so bucked tonight," Twilight sniffled, leaning into Fluttershy. "And not in the good way. Rarity was right about Applejack. Would you like to go out on a date with me instead of Applejack, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy gasped loudly, staring into Twilight's eyes. "Twilight! How could you say such a thing about Applejack? I could never do that to you, her, or Rarity. And the language!"

"You have to just go with the flow, Twilight." Rainbow placed a forehoof on Twilight's shoulder, smiling softly at her. "Look at what Rarity's doing. She's just not really caring anymore for her own sanity and stuff. You just have to do that yourself. It's what I do, and look at how cool I am."

"Rainbow dear," Rarity said, "I still do care. I am just pushing it away to a little corner of my mind until I need to eat some ice cream and dark chocolate to vent. And you also have anger issues, Rainbow. Do not forget that."

"You know I am trying to cheer her up," Rainbow gritted between her teeth. "And fine, I do, but so do you and Twilight."

"But you two aren't the ones who are having to date her," Twilight whimpered. "Can't I choose Fluttershy? I seriously hate what you all put me through. Why do I just let you all shove me around like this?"

Fluttershy scoffed at the ground. "Umm... I'm not exactly looking for a relationship right now, Twilight, but if you are really wanting to - and if Applejack doesn't mind - maybe-"

Twilight pointed at Applejack and Pinkie bouncing from their recent shopping spree. T-shirts, mugs, low quality jewelry, and other things a pony rarely needed were collected on their backs as they tittered to themselves. Applejack tackled Pinkie suddenly, dragging her forehooves through Pinkie's coat to the squeals of delight that nickered out of Pinkie's muzzle.

"We are getting ice cream now," Twilight said flatly. "And if she is not better by later tonight, I can't promise that I won't use magic on you all that is very, very illegal and dangerous. I'll take friendship to a whole new level."

She turned to look at Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow, the corners of her eyes glowing a radioactive green around their edges. "Do I make myself clear?"

"Ice cream sounds wonderful!" Rarity cried happily. "Invictus has ice cream sundaes that are simply to die for. Coffee flavored for me!"

"Triple peanut butter," Rainbow said quickly.

"Cherry," Fluttershy squeaked.

Twilight grinned. "Good!"

The Elements of Harmony stood in front of a throbbing, massive nightclub. It had been carved around and in a cavern that shot out into the night sky, occupying below, to the sides, and above the cave to form a sealed bubble of youthful vigor. Hundreds of ponies were everywhere eating, gambling, dancing, drinking, and legally - mostly - drugging the night away. It was an open flaunting of sin and status.

Invictus was its name. It captured the essence of what it was to be a pony: To sing, dance, laugh, and be peaceful.

By being utterly bucked up in the head in more ways than one.

"I'm so glad you aren't a flat character, Rarity." Pinkie Pie's blue eyes scanned the crowd of ponies, drinks, machines, and music. She had never seen such a mix of so many forms of entertainment, cultures, and ideas merging into what was surely something she would try to replicate in a town that considered six ponies getting drunk a news worthy affair. "I mean, nopony would think of you as a mare who likes to party in this manner. Good thing we know otherwise!"

Rarity gently bumped her flank cheek into Pinkie's, resulting in a faint giggle echoing from Pinkie's lips. "You, dears, have only seen the tip of what I have been repressing for far too long."

"I pretty clearly remember Bayston," Twilight said. "Not that you were completely out of control or anything, but you weren't exactly what you want the rest of Ponyville to know you by."

"Frivolous details," Rarity hummed. "I am more than meets the eye and I am glad my friends usually see me that way. Usually."

"And all it took was weed from the Equine Union," Rainbow said, hovering over Rarity. "Let's just hope you don't kill me when you are hungover or sober and remember all of this. I'm still kinda shocked that Applejack and Twilight want us to date still, you know?"

"Well if I must be honest, I'm not a raving fan of it either," Rarity said. "I was peer pressured into this, and you know full well I am not good at resisting peer pressure. I'm sure you are fantastic in bed, Rainbow, with what kind of experience you have and how open you are to ideas. That slightly makes up for the remote chance that I will even let you do that."

"Which I totally am." Dash nickered suggestively.

"And with that thick coat of yours? If I were to guess you are wonderfully affectionate."

"Despite my amazing badflank meter hating it." Rainbow chuckled nervously.

Fluttershy wrapped a wing gently around Rarity, leaning into her. "She really does like it; she just denies it because it conflicts with who she wants to be seen as, like you."

Rarity did one of the top five things she was best at. She pouted. "But Rainbow and I have so many things not in common though that... well..."

Twilight turned to face her friends, her THC high having melded into a bitter calm. It was two contradicting things that she should never be at the same time. "Being friends isn't about arguing what we have that's different from each other, even when those things can drive us all insane. It's about enjoying what we have in common and accepting what we have that's different. Think about it: We're all polar opposites of each other, and yet we're still the best of friends."

"Bradley's balls I'm not friendin' anypony until I eat half a buffet," Applejack groaned. Her emerald eyes had dulled, puffing out a spiderweb of pulsating cherry from every throbbing vein. "I am so high 'n hungry right now," she grumbled, rubbing her eyes with a forehoof. She took several steps forward before shaking her muzzle in an attempt to wake herself up. It didn't work.

"Note to self: Applejack is amazing stoned off of her plot," Rainbow laughed.

"Glad my date is an intellectual tour-de-force," Twilight huffed, stroking her temple with a forehoof. "I am so looking forward to that ice cream."

"Cool story, Twilight," Pinkie said, twirling a forehoof through Fluttershy's mane, "but Jackie's right: I get pissy wissy when I'm hungry and high too, and the last thing we need is Rainbow-"

"Enough with the pee jokes!" Dash whinnied, pressing her muzzle into Pinkie's. "I get off to a lot of things, alright?"

"Oh I know that pretty well, Dashie Do," Pinkie grinned.

Rainbow mumbled incoherently to herself, her wings flapping more loudly as she folded her forehooves across her chest. "I'll just not mention Button's-"

"Well I wonder how Rarity's gonna get us in?" As quickly as Pinkie had the upperhoof on Rainbow her burning cheeks showed defeat. She leaned over Rarity's shoulder, whistling loudly.

"You... walk in?" Twilight tilted her head to the entrance. "I don't see any ponies waiting in line."

Fluttershy stepped forward to look at her five friends and their varying states of decay. "Umm... girls... I think you all are being a bit... snappy."

"And getting in is a very simple thing, as our tense leader would say." Rarity waved a forehoof. "Barring concerts, it has enough room for anypony."

She giggled at Fluttershy, patting her gently on the muzzle as her tail flicked behind herself. "So let us trot on in, dears, for Fluttershy is right; you girls have no reason to be tense!"

"But you are tense most of the time, Rarity," Fluttershy said. "You are just passive-aggressive about it. So that means you can't be mad at us when we are tense too. Because that's just a double standard, and that's called being a bitch."

Fluttershy's friends looked at her, their eyes turning in one gentle pivot of their heads.

Fluttershy had just sworn in public.

Her face turned a flaming napalm in color as a painful squeak escaped from her snout. She laid on the ground with an agonizing whimper echoing from her throat, covering her snout with her wings. "Please don't kill me, Rarity!"

"Fluttershy!" Rarity spat, sending forth a splatter of saliva onto the ground, "how could you say such a thing about me? The nerve, mare!"

"It's the truth," Applejack prodded Rarity's side. "Just look at ya right now. I love ya, girl, and I really, really mean that - and this isn't just the weed talkin' - but at times it can be a definin' trait of you."


Applejack smiled at Rarity. "Besides, Rarity, you think yer're the only one with a stick up their pucker from time to time? Rainbow's number one trait is just bein' a crotch cloud eatin' bitch to us. It's how she gets all of her lesbian anger out. You just gotta find a way to do it without throwin' a hissy fit."

"So don't worry about it, Rarity, even if it's true," Rainbow said, landing in front of her. "Which it totally is. But it's not like we all don't get rid of our problems stupidly. Take a look at Applejack: She's a stupid hick who only cares about farming and incest based honor stuff. So what does she do with her Redneck Rage? She gets it out by being stubborn and beating trees since she can't beat zebras like her ancestors did. Old habits die hard, you know?"

"Exactly," Applejack said.

"And I get it out by repressing an angry side of me, doing cannabis while I help my animals, and engaging in the thrill of the drug trade." Fluttershy smiled. "It keeps me on edge and relaxed at the same time."

"And I lock away the half of my personality that would balance me out and make me look normal by letting it go satanic and contemplate the murder of anypony who even slightly annoys me in my mind," Pinkie chirped. "It keeps me on edge and relaxed at the same time too!"

"And I eat junk food, get migraines, tell Spike to do everything, and secretly plan on overthrowing Celestia and Luna to create a despotic meritocratic socialist technocracy," Twilight said. "It's not that hard really, since she doesn't realize the industrial potential of Fillydelphia and modern magi-tek capabilities, despite me telling her otherwise."

Twilight's friends looked at her once more with legitimate concern at realizing that her dictatorial asperations explained a vast majority of her personality traits.

"Simple isn't it?" she said, giggling to herself. "I'm glad you agree! This is why we are the Elements of Harmony. And we can see this as our most challenging mission yet. So all I have to do is get some connections with some industrial tycoons - which you can help with, Rarity - and blackmail them to give me their research. Then I jump start some think tanks, build some tanks by inspiring union laborers for the good of my socialist utopia, start an underground propaganda war on how she represses technological progress, use you all in your fields of expertise, and pretty much blitzkrieg to Canterlot, shock and awe the population, and tada! Overthrow Celestia and Luna, install you all as my generals, take the wealth from the nobility and give it to research and development - while aptly repaying my workers of course - and let the sheer excellence of my technologically advanced army make her submit."

She was trotting in place as she spoke, the eyes of her friends ink dots of terror. "Then I get everypony with a doctorate in Equestria - minus most of the lawyers of course - put them in positions of power, and we talk about global imperium from there! Lets see you take a electromagnetic railgun to the plothole, Celestia! Next deity we face we should have known about? Rainbow, why use a spear when we can use a dark matter cannon? We'll destroy every last hadron of them!"

By the time Twilight was finished her friends stared at her with a raw fear that made the thoughts of Twilight sexually enslaving them feel more like having a chocolate stain on one's coat. Her friends were statues of their former selves, the only parts of their bodies able to move were their eyes glancing at each other.

Twilight blinked, flicking her tail behind herself as she ran a forehoof through the locks of her mane. "Did I not think about having enough artillery? That is a key component of modern warfare. Oh! I could use airships as Pegasi' carriers-why didn't I think of that? Thanks, girls!"

The smile that spread across her muzzle was not one of evil or insanity; it was of an honest joy at her friends agreeing with her grand strategy at world domination.

A soft squee escaped from the end of her muzzle in excitement as she trotted forward to kiss each of her friends on the cheek. "This is why we're the best of friends; you all help me when I need you the most. Friendship through Unity. Unity through Magic. I'll make sure to give you all high positions in my government of course. It's the least I can do for my girlfriends who've been with me through thick and thin! But this is still a decade away, so until then-"

"Wait. Hold up, Twilight."

Pinkie walked in front of Twilight, placing her forehooves on the librarian-turned-dictator's shoulders. "There's something I wanna ask you."

"Of course!" Twilight chirped. "Although... I think I've said enough of this plan in public, and I don't want to take any more risks. I think-"

Twilight slammed into Pinkie with a shriek of pain, collapsing on top of her with an agonizing grunt.

A black Unicorn stallion guarding the entrance to the club turned his muzzle quickly toward the Elements of Harmony, the other three guards around him soon enough perking up their ears and eyes toward them. "What the buck are-"

"She was choking," Rainbow called, hovering above Twilight. Twilight coughed up saliva painfully onto Pinkie's curly coat, clinging to her meekly.

Rainbow landed in front of the black stallion. "She really likes the gum my pal in pink makes, and it got lodged in her throat."

The guard looked at his fellow bouncers, raising an eyebrow at her. "That's... a very interesting-"

"I'm a first degree black belt in Hailing Tempest," she said. "It was stuck in the back of her throat. But... yeah... that might have been... a bit much, heh."

"We always tell her she chews too much gum," Rarity said, pulling up Twilight onto her hooves. "She's a librarian, and well... you can guess how boring that must be as an occupation."

"Try our job," the guard snorted. "It's either boring, dealing with fights, mares, drunks, or druggies. No offense to you ladies." He leaned forward to look at Rarity, tilting his snout to the side. "Are you... on the VIP list?"

She nodded delightfully, eyeing the barely awake Twilight beside her. "I do believe I am. I am Rarity Gemma, and these are my fillyfriends." She fluttered her eyelashes rapidly at the stallion, gently flickering her magic through her mane. "I know it was... excessive what Rainbow did, but alas sometimes one must use extreme measures on Twilight when she begins to eat too much for her own good."

"I promise we won't cause any trouble, darlings," she hummed, gently rocking on her hooves in a manner that made Pinkie raise her eyebrow. "And I pay in gold bits inside such a fine establishment, of course. To do anything less would be an insult!"

The Unicorn bouncer blinked. "Miss Gemma-"

"-Rarity please-"

"-if you are trying to flirt with me, I'm paid enough to not be seduced."

A deep, dark groan escaped from her muzzle. If Twilight had a more active ability to think, she would've been proud of how much it sounded like one of her own. "You know, I know I'm a very attractive mare-"

"Ya know," Rainbow whistled, "from this angle, damn, Rarity, you got a nice butt."

"-thank you, Dash, but I don't 'seduce' everypony I come into contact with."

Applejack wrapped a hoof around Rarity's shoulder. "Rarity, yes ya do. If you can flirt with anypony to get them to help you or do work for you, you will."

Rarity dragged a forehoof firmly across her muzzle, shaking her snout as another painful sigh escaped from her mouth. "Pinkie, give me the pot. And can you all bloody sod off for about five minutes? I need a drink, or six.”

"I like drinking," Pinkie nodded, bouncing up and down. She handed the warm vaporizer to Rarity, swishing her wiggling pink tail like a pet dog. "Can we go inside, mister? We can't drink out here-"

"-don't, make, a pee joke," Dash growled.

Pinkie snorted. "Wasn't going to!"

Fluttershy looked up at the bouncers, stroking Rarity's side affectionately with her wing. She eyed her friend taking gentle puffs from the silver cylinder. "She's just tired from working too hard planning tonight. And she also hasn't drank enough water or eaten enough." She blushed, scoffing at the ground as she leaned forward. "She also needs a good mating. I know we're a bit... umm... different, but we just want to have a bit of fun and maybe find a mare or colt tonight, if you don't mind letting us in?"

"I need some more vespene gas," Applejack chuckled, hiccuping afterwards. "Or to release some."

The guard shook his head from side to side as he watched Pinkie's eyes twitch rapidly at Applejack's words. "You six look... 'mostly' harmless." Pinkie snorted loudly, prompting everypony around her to glance at her as she giggled to herself. "And legal. But Luna's landing, you mares are bucked up."

"Just don't cause any trouble, ladies." A baritone, obese Pegasus looked over the Elements slowly. His massive frame and burgundy coat didn't hide the strength hidden underneath his fat. "You might be cute, but there's what happens in there, and what doesn't happen in there. Don't do what doesn't happen in there."

Twilight groaned to life, shaking herself off as if she had been soaked in water. "I think I've just had a mild concussion. Slight memory loss, fatigue. That's what happens when I smoke too much and don't drink enough; I hit my head and well, injuries!" She stumbled once more on her own legs, catching herself. "Thanks, Pinkie. I'm kind of klutzy."

Rarity continued to pull on the vaporizer, trying to bring herself back into the world of peace she knew only an hour ago, and again a few hours before that. "Relax, Rarity, and all will be-"

"What we have here, is a prime example of an annoyed Rarity in the wild," Pinkie said thickly. Her Oatstralian accent was pitch perfect. "Look at the way her smooth coat is standing up on edge." She groomed and stroked Rarity's sides firmly, digging into her white coat.

Rainbow could not keep herself from joining in on Pinkie's teasing, scratching at Rarity's sides with her. "Fascinating," she said, her own Trotdon imitation frightfully accurate. "Now, normally Rarities grind their teeth or grit them together when annoyed. Our current specimen has been sedated to prevent a possible injury to the audience."

Applejack and the injury stoned Twilight had fallen over onto the ground in hysterics, leaving only Fluttershy standing on her hooves as she watched Rarity with raw horror on her yellow muzzle. Pinkie and Rainbow had fallen onto their backs afterwards, kicking their hind legs into the air as tears poured steadily down their cheeks.

Rarity simply stood there, her eyes staring off into the distance while she suckled on her magical grass. "I will have my revenge one day," she whispered, glancing at the bodyguards blinking at the squealing mares. "It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, but it will happen. They will feel my wrath. But for now... I just need to get drunk and have a shag... with... Rainbow... Dash."

She shook her head gently, rubbing her eyes with a forehoof. She did her best to think of words to insult Destiny and what it had dragged her into. She came up blank. The amount of words in an incoherent order simply could not do her insult justice.

Tonight was going to be long one. And by Nathan Fillyion's voice, she was going to get off several times by the end of it.

Chapter Sixteen: The Ethanol Equine Effect

View Online

Alcohol and food seemed to consistently be the solution to the Elements of Harmonys' problems. It was a frightful precedent for them to be setting, but it would most likely not be the panacea for their future woes.


For the moment, and the second time that day, it had tamed them.


It was very unlikely.

The VIP section of the club was at the top of the cavern, its windows carved into the walls to show the Undercity behind them, the main floor of the club underneath them, and the night sky in front of them. Relaxing on couches, pillows, chairs, and sofas, ponies enjoyed all sorts of debauchery to their hearts content. The Elements of Harmony themselves included.

They felt reborn by the alcohol, food, and rest. They could not deny the merging highs of fatigue, THC, ethanol, and food swirling together were beginning to take there toll, for better or worse. If they were all surveyed about it, it would be for the better.

Hopefully. But Hope wasn't really active around them recently. They had asked a bit too much from it, and it was getting jaded and tired of their requests.

"So I think the lesson for today is that we should never mix sexual ethics, alcohol, and cannabis together." Twilight had voraciously consumed four plates of sweet potatoes and was on her second glass of water and second mug of pale ale. "In fact, maybe we should... keep it to one of those at a time. I have a feeling that the vibrating in my head is going to be atomic tomorrow, and I hope that's going to not be a repeat lesson."

She looked around at her friends, all of them full at having sedated their ravenous marijuana munches. They had collectively forgotten the wonderful concept known as food during the last several hours. Food was good. Resting on pillows with their best friends with food and alcohol was even better. Biology was a wonderful thing.

Pinkie Pie peeked over at Twilight, a forehoof resting idly in Applejack's mane. Applejack and Pinkie laid together in sedation, Applejack using Pinkie's stomach as a curly pillow. "Twilight, you know that clop and beer go together like cheese and chocolate. You don't think they'll mix, but they do!"

"Fine," Twilight said dejectedly, blowing out a jet of air from her muzzle. "Let's just not get high at the same time? I think Applejack can back me up on this one."

Applejack eyed her 'date' and the empty plates around her. Applejack - like Rainbow - worked hard in her trade and could consume titanic amounts of food if she wished and sometimes needed to. The slice of cheesecake, pecan pie, cup of Prench onion soup, the plate of house fries, a whole veggie pizza, three spinach salads, a shot of bourbon, half a gallon of milk, and two bowls of tomato soup - in no proper order of consumption - was a testament to that. "I think I will never smoke again," she tiredly hiccuped, green and red dueling it out in her eyes.

She stared down at the warm cup of coffee in front of her, instinct taking over her stomachs ability to handle more input. She grabbed hold of the mug, consuming the whole cup without taking a single break or pause, putting it down with a deep, content sigh. It was followed by a belch of a proportion that made Pinkie jealous.

“Oh Grant’s gonads did I need to let that out of me. Now I feel like I'm kinda alive. I missed you, brain.”

If it wasn’t for the hot squid in front of Rainbow - in addition to the still being eaten alfredo, grain bread, and olive oil - she would have fallen out of her plush couch. Instead, she squealed in laughter, clopping her forehooves together as incoherent sounds of praise escaped from her mouth. Pinkie aptly joined in the applause.

“I’m glad to see we have returned to the relative levels of stupidity of... well... most of the day.” Rarity chuckled, sipping on her Haysinki vodka. "I have to say that I think adding the wonderful invention known as food to the equation was a brilliant idea. Again." She scratched at her chest, currently indifferent to how her more composed self would have fainted at the action. "Now... is it just me, or do we... seem to forget to eat when we get stoned? I thought that was an expected outcome."

"I thought we've talked about before how things never turn out as planned around us," Twilight said, letting out a soft groan. "Like... me forgetting to calorie count all of this."

Rainbow massaged her temples to the point Twilight scowled at her. Twilight was not a fan of having her own famous gestures being taken from her. "For bucks sake, Twi', I'm gonna kill you if you keep up bringing up your weight. As the mare here with sixteen percent body fat, I don't calorie count unless I'm competing."

"I guess you just, 'wing it', Rainbow?" Applejack chuckled in amusement.

Her friends turned their eyes toward Applejack. They said nothing.

"I also must admit," Rarity continued, letting out a quiet hum to break the silence, "it felt grand for me to eat those two coffee ice cream sundaes. Oh I feel so... naughty!” She wiggled her pearl rump into her collection of pillows, tittering to herself.

Pinkie sat up, gently petting Applejack idly on the head like the good orange pet she was. Applejack simply mumbled tiredly and accepted her fate at being a pet. Again. "Besides, Twilight, one does not simply expect us to do the expected. We’re like... guerrilla fighters!”

Fluttershy's, Rarity's, Applejack's, and Rainbow's eyes projected rage into Pinkie's own with their sharp glances toward her, causing her to twitch at her slip of the tongue. “I-I-I mean like... uhh... stunt fliers, like Dashie! You never know what killer move she’ll do next!”

Twilight blinked at Pinkie's stuttering, idly massaging the hop particles inside of her drink with her magic. She clicked her tongue to fill the silence. “So... why are you all staring at Pinkie like she kicked a foal?"

"Because I want you to picture Pinkie with a real cannon," Rainbow said. "She sometimes gets these secret agent fantasies of being like a spy who kills dudes and like... blows up things worse than the Cutie Mark Crusaders do. We need to make sure she doesn't get a real cannon."

"Or worse," Applejack said.

"That would be bad." Twilight winced. "That would be very bad."

"So it's why they need to stop me at times," Pinkie chuckled meekly. "You have enough problems, Twilight. Don't worry, they have it taken care of."

"So what do we do now?" Twilight said.

Fluttershy took a deep drought of her raspberry flavored mead. “Well... we can’t dance yet, unless we want to be sick to our stomachs. We could always pick up on where we left off in Truth or Dare?”

“Bad idea,” Rainbow said, rolling onto her back with a soft groan. “I think if we’re doing anything related to that, it should just be... well... the truth. I think we've all been kinda gaping anuses to each other today. Time to be... well... nice, yeah?”

Twilight leaned forward. “Did... Rainbow Dash just say we should be... nice? I thought she only said that when we’re about to have an emotional breakdown or almost die.”

"It's the weed, Twilight," Applejack said. "Just let her be nice."

“Hey, I get mood swings sometimes, and I have a soft side too.” Rainbow rested her forehooves on her thighs, sticking out her tongue. “Come on, you know I welcome foals and new ponies to Ponyville just fine; it’s just a shield for my self-esteem. She’s fragile. Can't I be nice around you all for like, five minutes?”

“I never would've guessed your ego could be fragile,” Rarity smirked. “Rainbow has a point though. I’ve come clean about what I intended for this night to be. And... well... the plan has fallen apart like anything hit by a certain pegasus-and would you stop fluttering your eyelashes suggestively at me, Rainbow? It’s bloody annoying!

“Ohh you know you like it,” Rainbow purred softly, rubbing her lean toned core. “Just-”

“Stop it!” Rarity pouted, eyeing the gentle smiles spreading across her friends' muzzles. “This isn't funny! Do you think that is going to help me like you more? And none of you should be smiling over this. I haven't even done anything and she is just... just... I don't even know what!”

“I think it is,” Rainbow winked. “And they do too. You should look at yourself when you stick out your lips and blush. It’s really freakin’ cute.”

“I think there should be a rule that we all are cute when we want to be,” Fluttershy hummed, leaning into Twilight idly.

“Guidance counselor Fluttershy to the rescue,” Pinkie nodded, slamming down a strawberry gin cocktail with frightful speed. The multi-verse had blessed Pinkie Pie with many gifts that few mortals ever received. The ability to consume more alcohol than her biological body could take was not one of them. She had to follow some rules of reality.

“Whew!” She shook her snout rapidly, letting out a torrent of nickers and snorts as her friends watched in both slight fear and chuckling interest. “Jeez peas cock tease I needed that-oww, my throat!" Pinkie coughed, her voice wispy as her forehooves began to massage her neck. "It’s sweet and hot. Lesson learned. Not doing that again.”

Applejack smiled darkly up at Pinkie Pie. “Ya mean just like yerself, gumdrop?”

The comment only made the choking of Pinkie's vocal chords worse, causing her to sputter out a torrent of gibberish as her cheeks quickly became a solid, thick red. The other five Elements broke out into a flood of laughter at watching Pinkie's already bright cheeks grow brighter.

"Your date is hitting on Pinkie, Twilight," Rainbow said. "I'm sorry, Applejack, but the thought of you and Pinkie dating is as bad as the thought of either of you dating Rarity."

"She trotted right into it," Applejack said. "And I had to make up for before."

"I must admit that not only do Applejack and I share little in common other than running our own businesses," Rarity said, "but in that she has been unreliable tonight by teasing Rainbow, Twilight, and Pinkie. Applejack, do you not have any honor when it comes to sexuality anymore? Have you become Rainbow Dash?"

Applejack sat up, staring at Rarity. "Now that's pushin' it a bit too far, Rarity."

Rainbow leaned toward Applejack. "Rarity totally pushed her tongue inside of Fluttershy's mouth earlier today, so the joke's on her."

"Oh that is blasted manure, Dash," Rarity spat. "She was the one who kissed me first. Do not bend the facts to suit your purposes. That's my job."

"You were very receptive to it, Rarity," Fluttershy giggled. "It was-"

Rarity screeched in frustration. "I am going to orgasm tonight if it's the last thing I ever do, and even if it's with Twilight under the blankets!"

She covered her pink muzzle as her brain registered what her mouth had said, her friends falling onto their sides in bliss.

This is why we are all friends,” Twilight cracked, covering her mouth to repress both a minor hiccup and a waterfall of giggles. She didn’t quite succeed at the last task, rolling against Fluttershy for support. “We get tipsy-"

“-smashed,” Rainbow added.

“-and fight, tease each other, and make us all look mean, horrible, lustful, and... umm... insane?” Fluttershy scooped up her stein with a wing to finish her mead in one long chug, putting down the empty mug. “I can live with that kind of friendship. That’s real friendship! I like getting drunk with you all; it better than doing it alone."

“Fluttershy, that’s only a third of it.” Twilight sat up on her rump, her forehooves pressing resolutely into the floor. “It's because we know that despite being so different and coming from so many walks of life, we love and respect each other, even when we sound like we don’t. That's what the last few years have taught me, and what friendship with you all has taught me.”

Rainbow laid on her side, raising an eyebrow at Twilight. “Sometimes I think-”

“Shut the hay up, Dash," Twilight snapped. Her friends winced collectively.

Twilight coughed, composing herself. "I’m telling an aesop because we all need it, despite the chances of us remembering it hungover and light headed from cannabis being nearly zero." Her purple eyes glowed brightly as she looked over her peers. "So you’ll listen, damn it. All of you.” She grinned contently. "Besides, it makes me feel good, I'm the leader, and you all owe me.”

“Yes, ma’am,” her friends said in defeat, their ears folding in unison.

Twilight stood up, trotting slowly around her friends. “We’ve all grown together as friends. Sisters, even. Despite all the trials and tribulations we’ve been through, in the end we are there for each other. Even when we try to control each others sex lives. Or... lives in general. So I think the lesson we learned together today is that drinking is a part of life I thank you all for getting me into, but the other activities that come with it are something we should mutually plan and do together."

"And while I’m pretty sure bucking will wait for when I’m more coherent once the alcohol settles, what I’ve seen from us being... us, is that... well... maybe friendship with benefits is possible. If we do it responsibly. We all love each other. Most of the time. What’s a step further going to do at this point? It's not like we aren't insane enough as it is. Maybe we should try it and see what happens. What could possibly be worse than what has happened already?”

She sat back down on her pillow, resting her tail over Fluttershy's side. "Well, other than us hating each other, secretly planning on killing each other, or other extreme scenarios I'm too drunk or full to care about right now."

Well,” Pinkie began, stroking her chin, “it’s made Applejack and Rarity swear to mud wrestle in the future, and we all know how those go."

"Awesomely," Dash grinned.

"Awesomely indeed," Pinkie grinned back. "Its made us secretly plan the clopping for tonight; and it also made us get drunk, half want to kill each other, force Rarity to spend her life savings, and most likely made us all wonder where our innocence went. I have no idea! It was there a few months ago. Or maybe that was three years ago. I don’t know!”

“Thank you for reminding me about my bills, Pinkie.” Rarity stared tiredly at her two shots of vodka. Her past drinks just weren't important. Did she even remember what they were? She didn't even feel that tipsy.

"And don't forget that the only reason it'll last a couple minutes is because I'm just toyin' with her the whole time," Applejack said.

Rarity scoffed at her pillows, swallowing down a mixed aftertaste of coffee flavored ice cream and alcohol. It was quite lovely, really. “I shall ignore Applejack once more tonight, but with how I think how much of my bank account I’ve already lost to a night gone to Tartarus I deserve a break once with the mud wrestling, no? And the insanity of you all today of course. And don’t forget the possibility I might have to find a complete stranger to use for a night, as I would never touch Twilight without her permission. I'm not a fan of one night stands baring any blond stallions with a beautiful accent or a celebrity if they so pass me by.”

“You Pinkie Promised about the wrestling.” Pinkie's sky blue eyes gazed firmly into the crystal orbs of Rarity's. Her tone was calm as stale water.

“I did not!” Rarity shot back, her tail smacking onto the cushion she rested on. "What preposterous notion made you think that, Pinkie?"

“You mentally did,” Pinkie whispered. She leaned forward. “That, still, counts.”

“No it-”

Demonic resonance filled Pinkie's voice, the napalm in her eyes quickly replacing her natural color. "I am the judge of the Pinkie Promise, and avatar of Loki’s will. And if I say it counts, it, counts!”

As quickly as the anger blew over Pinkie's soul, it melted away, leaving a tipsy, giggling, Applejack petting Pinkie Pie in its wake.

The other Elements simply accepted what had happened once Pinkie's voice calmed. It was for the best, and they did their best to act as if it had not even happened at all.

“I... I’m a hundred and twenty percent sure that Loki’s a Pegasi’ god,” Rainbow said, chuckling shyly at Pinkie. “N-n-not that I’m gonna do anything to throw a lightning bolt at mud wrestling fun.”

“He is!” Pinkie squeaked, burping afterwards. “I was a Pegasus in my last life, and he wanted me to use this opportunity to counter Discord and Celestia. He didn’t get that chance last time, so it’s his time to shine! Or just be silly. He hasn't quite decided yet.” She shrugged. "We'll figure it out eventually."

Twilight had decided to abandon her moral message about the possibilities of friendship with benefits being a good idea. Seeing her friends in a drunken, faintly stoned state reminded her of how much of a ticking time bomb they all already were. Adding sex to the equation just wasn't the best idea that she had ever come up with. She knew of the best solution to rectify the situation.

A faint, shimmering disk of magic appeared in front of her muzzle as her horn hummed to life. Without delay, and to punish herself for even giving a speech on how friendshipping was a good idea, she began to tap her snout into her raspberry shield. Again, and again, and again.

“Okay," she sighed, thudding her snout onto the shield with a bit more force. The swirling highs in her head were fascinating to study. She didn't remember them for long. "Friendship with benefits is a horrible idea. Or maybe drinking is. Or everything is.”

"Don't do that, Twilight," Fluttershy whimpered, pulling Twilight away from her shield. "If you are that concerned about us, then just focus on me, and let them handle themselves. But... umm... if it makes you feel any better, I'm-"

“But I have a feelin’ we’re gonna say screw it and do it all anyway,” Applejack giggled, unashamed of the sound coming out of her muzzle. “We’re damn good at improvisin’ an bullshittin’, and as far as we've come now there ain't a chance in Hell we're goin' back. Hay, what we all do for a livin’ is half wingin’ it most of the time.”

Rainbow nodded in agreement, cracking her back with a content mumble. "Can't always tell a cloud where to go. Pinkie makes up stuff randomly, you sometimes improvise on what you'll grow, AJ, Fluttershy's animals are something different everyday, and Twilight can pretty much do what she wants but doesn't."

"Not to mention that Rarity's dress makin' is wingin' it by design," Applejack said, nodding her head respectively toward Rarity. "I don't know how ya do it. I wish I could wing it like that."

Rarity had decided at that sentence to slam down both shots of her vodka with a hidden practice that made the rest of her friends look at her with moderate concern.

Rainbow was the first to respond, sitting herself up. "Speaking of... that, where in the hay did you learn to be so good at holding your liquor, Rarity? I mean... I’ve seen you at parties and man, you punch way above your weight. I just hope you aren’t an alcoholic or something and aren't telling us."

"Sometimes it is best to keep those secrets hidden,” Rarity sighed, laying down on her side. “In case my talents are needed for... 'emergencies'. The present would be one of them."

"Like your... edible boots spell?" Twilight asked.

"Exactly,” Rarity said. “One must be prepared for the worst after all, and I am glad my intellectual equal would agree; however overboard she may go in being prepared, just like myself.”

Twilight snorted at Rarity. “Uh-huh, keep on telling yourself that you’re my intellectual equal.”

Fluttershy stroked down Twilight's back gently. “Twilight, this isn’t the time for your sarcasm. Because unlike Rainbow’s, it can really hurt ponies. However, sometimes, the truth can hurt, Rarity.”

Thank you, Fluttershy, for making me feel just stellar about myself,” Rarity gritted between her teeth. She looked around for another alcoholic beverage to drink. There was none.

“You’re welcome, you gorgeous ball of marshmellow awesomeness,” Fluttershy cooed. “Now, how about we all start sharing bedtime secrets? That's something we can do, now that we're drunk enough. I’ll start! I learned from Mr. Beaver that-”

“-and thank you, Applejack,” Rarity growled, “for saying that tailoring and designing fashion is just, ‘winging it’. I’m glad my fellow businessmare doesn’t understand the creativity of my field.”

“I never said that," Applejack said. "Well, in a kinda... creative... way... somethin’. I’m not smart right now! Ya know I didn’t mean to insult ya!”

“Or ever smart,” Rarity huffed. “And so in punishment, I will not give you self pleasure advice ever again.” Rarity exhaled loudly from the depths of her lungs. “And that is relatively mild, considering I have the urge to scream, black out, or talk about LGBT fashion in the most culturally cliche manner possible." She waved a forehoof around gaily, tittering to herself. "You know, most things ponies in my 'winging it' field do, and something Rainbow would know nothing about."

She smiled as she turned toward Rainbow. "Or would she?”

There were only a few triggers that made Rainbow want to give a flank kicking to a ponies' plot.

They could insult her fetishes, as embarrassing as they could be. They could insult her plothole, as she could be one herself, and it wasn't her fault - mostly - that was a bit squishy. They could insult her fetishism like obsession with the Wonderbolts; they could make her blush, take their anger out on her, and even call her out for being an idiot. They could even call her slutty with how sexually open she could be. In the end, she laughed it off over time, taking what she dished out in equal measure.

Telling the openly tomgirl, flirty, LGBT pride of Equestria she was a hidden lipstick lesbian was a line a pony did not cross. There was her accepting her moderately butch personality and being more than happy to receive insults on how much of a secret colt she was, and than there was saying she wanted to be on Project Manehatthan Runway and throw about stickers everywhere she went.

It was a faggotry that Rainbow Dash was not amused by.

"This ain't gonna end well," Applejack said.

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Rainbow neighed. She bolted up onto her hooves, her posture feral and feline, wings spread like bladed fans. "What did I do to you tonight? I’m trying to be kinda nice here, and you just... wow. Way to cross the line three times. I... wow. I can see why sex with you is a ‘Rarity’ to begin with.”

Twilight contemplated taking over the situation as she normally would have. Unfortunately, the side of her that normally contemplated taking over the situation had been banished to the recesses of her mind, thanks to the food and newly awoken, crotch driven side of her personality. A few threats that borderlined on war crimes didn't hurt in silencing her rational side earlier that day either.

Instead, she looked at her other friends, watching another debacle unfold. Fluttershy clearly had given up at trying to calm her friends down, realizing at last that not even her Stare could override two estrogen powered and alcohol fueled mares from tearing each other apart. She simply watched, and it almost seemed like she was getting a hidden enjoyment out of Rainbow and Rarity beginning some form of weird mating ritual. Pinkie was sadistically enjoying the fun openly by the interest in her eyes thanks to the THC flowing through her veins, while Applejack scratched at her thigh, the only mare mildly concerned at all.

"I beg your pardon?" Rarity whispered, pulling herself up onto her hooves slowly. She took a step forward, tilting her muzzle to the side curiously. “Did I hurt the technicolor tramp's feelings? Pinch a sensitive and emotional nerve? Interrupt your fantasies of being a model for me?"

Rainbow snorted off the insult, ejecting a hiss of air from her nose. “I didn't do anything to make you pissed tonight."

"You did make her think that she was drinking pee and joined me in calling her a zoo creature," Pinkie said. "I'm just saying!"

"Don't make it any worse than it already is," Applejack shoved Pinkie, causing her to squeak.

"I didn't know you were an angry drunk, Rares," Rainbow shrugged. "But hey, I guess you need vodka to wash the taste of noble cock out of your mouth though, huh? Jealous I could get twenty ponies on me right now if I wanted? Sucks you’re so dry between the legs and have to lick limp rich dude dick."

Rarity broke out into a violent laugh, her faintly curled mane bouncing as she shook her head dismissively. “I see our local cerulean cum dump is the ‘Prismatic Prostitute of Ponyville’ once again. Why am I not surprised her gloryhole antics are a recurring personality trait? Kudos to you for being such a lean sperm barrel for the community,” she purred.

"So... are you mad that I've been flirting with you because nopony else here will and I'm out of your league? Because I have a feeling that's it." Rainbow twitched. "Ohh... that's harsh, even for me. True, but kinda harsh."

Pinkie whistled loudly. "Hide your foals, hide your marefriend, and hide your coltfriend, cause-"

"Sod off, Pinkie," Rarity neighed, "I'm talking to the mare who is about to become my bitch."

"Nothing to do here!" Pinkie said, chewing on Applejack’s mane.

Applejack pushed Pinkie off of her, pulling herself up onto her hooves. "Now you two listen here, I-"

Rarity threw back her hair with a huff of steam ejecting from her nose, her face flushed with heat. The crackling warmth of alcohol and blood across her anger splayed snout twitched. "You've trotted with the wrong mare too far this time, Rainbow Lightning Dash, and the last thing you want is me tipsy, wanting to destroy your ego until nothing is left but a wallowing, broken corpse of a mare who learns what happens when you push me too bloody far."

"Enough, Rarity." Applejack pressed a forehoof into Rarity's side. "Maybe you've had a bit too much to drink. You just need to calm your hindquarters ‘n-"

"No butts," Rarity spat, "other than Rainbow's getting a reminder of what magic can pleasantly do to a rectum. I'm sure she'd enjoy every bit of the stimulation of my horn rammed up her arse. I'll even give it a twist, if she likes it extra painful.”

"You know, I really should try to stop this," Twilight said, turning her muzzle toward Fluttershy. "But I think I've just lost my ability to care about my friends possibly killing each other and ruining their friendships."

"It's okay, Twilight." Fluttershy nuzzled her cheek affectionately into Twilight's. "Celestia doesn't need to know about it, and remember what I said about angry sex? Just watch. It's why I'm not worried."

"And if... that doesn't happen?" Twilight giggled quietly at the nuzzle, returning it in kind. "And it is kind of fun to watch this, oddly enough. I guess three years of morals have just gone out the window tonight thanks to alcohol and sex. What a surprise!"

Pinkie laid herself casually over Twilight and Fluttershy. "Ehh, it happens every month or two around us. We get back to normal after you write a letter."

"Then Equestria is going to die a slow and very painful death from some evil monster," Fluttershy said. "Or since Rarity and Rainbow Dash trust me so much I can spike their tea, and then we can have our way with them."

Twilight smiled like she had never smiled before, wrapping a forehoof around Fluttershy. "I like the way you think, Fluttershy."

"Mare please," Pinkie whinnied, "I've got enough toys to make them ever regret even living!"

With a wild laugh escaping from her mouth, Rainbow stumbled to keep herself balanced. The exchange had begun to catch the attention of nearby ponies, and her haughty cackles drew even more attention to herself and Rarity.

My flank? Coming from the perfume wearing pucker sucker herself? If the wrinkly balls of old stallions with money who’ll buy your dresses and smell your pus’ are in your mouth you're the happiest mare in Equestria."

She turned around, hiking up her tail as high as she could to expose herself blatantly in front of Rarity, clenching her flank cheeks. "Come on, stare at the mare who gets some instead of having to sniff her own underwear to smell sex. Twilight doesn’t need to get laid, you do. Guess your ego can't handle that old colts can't get a stiff one looking at you without you sucking on them for twenty minutes. Their grandmas can buck better than you can.”

Rarity screamed like a Cerberus out of Tartarus. She spun Rainbow around violently, digging her forehooves into the front of Dash's coat. "Get that bucking smirk off your face before I blow it off, you blue bicycle."

"Rarity, Rainbow, that's enough." Applejack shoved herself between her two friends, listening to the thick, vile growls echoing from Rainbow's and Rarity's muzzles. “We’ve done stupid buckin’ things tonight but you two are bein’ so flat out stupid I can’t even think of a word for it. Disgustin’ I think fits.”

“It’s okay, AJ,” Rainbow said. “Rarity’s just being an alabaster asshole sniffer. She's just admitting it for once.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow, flicking an ear at Rainbow. "Ala... baster? When did you ever learn a word that big and formal?"

"When your dad showed you what coach cock tasted like,” Rainbow cackled, stomping a forehoof onto the floor.

"Oh so the daughter of a cloud architect certainly wasn't 'built' to order by her father?" Rarity smirked. "Have to 'taste' the rainbow reciprocal before public use, don’t we?"

Dash waved the remark away with her right wing. "Nah, my parents might be swingers, but they don't do that. Your life was built by my dad though. My dad hired yours and his Neighyxican porno mustache so he could get his green card."

A furious thunder roared out of Rarity's throat as her magic exploded to life with a blinding flare of light. It didn't light up to attack Rainbow Dash, but to blast Applejack to the side, sending Applejack rolling onto the ground.

"You whoring dyke! I, will, end you!"

It was not Fluttershy about to give both of her friends a through timeout or spanking that ended the fight. Nor was it Applejack about to grab both of them and pin them down, or Twilight about to put a force field around each of them.

It was Rainbow colliding her muzzle into Rarity's with the most passionate kiss that Rarity had ever felt.

Rarity's eyes turned into dots of shock the moment she felt Rainbow's snout and body collide with her own, chest to chest. She felt Rainbow's thick, fluffy, toned coat grind into her finer one, tickling her skin. That sensation was mild, compared to what was happening to her muzzle.

Rainbow was firmly sucking onto Rarity's tongue, coiling around it and toying with the member with a succulent, twirling dance of teasing fire that left Rarity blank. It was partially barbaric, and yet it had a skill to it that left her breathless. The amount of heart, soul, and seductive pull it had broke her like no novel nor lover had ever done before.

All the anger inside of her vanished in a heartbeat. The tension in her shoulders melted, and without even thinking about it, her forehooves wrapped around Rainbow's shoulders as she lost her spirit into the kiss.

Best friend? Yes. Despite all of the teasing, Rainbow would sever her wings to make sure Rarity was unharmed. Dash would mercilessly fight anyone who would touch Rarity in a manner that she would not want. Despite all the sarcasm, vulgarities, insults, and banter they exchanged between each other they were friends.

And it was damn fun. And as much as Rainbow made Rarity's stress levels shoot up from time to time she also made them fall down like misty rain, letting her laugh off her troubles.

Here was Rainbow, half raping her mouth with a saliva covered tongue that had decided to tap dance over her own with a precision and trained grace that left Rarity speechless. Having a tongue in your muzzle would do that.

Damning the less fun side of her personality, the morality of it all, their former exchanges of brutal and deadly words, Rarity's former thoughts on Rainbow, and the crowd that had gathered around the two Elements, Rarity kissed back.

"Well that escalated quickly!” Pinkie squealed, leaping away from Twilight and Fluttershy to get herself a front row seat of the action. “Everypony’s making out with everypony today! I like this. Five bits on Rainbow Dash!”

Applejack looked around at the small crowd of ponies watching what she and Rainbow had done at the spa look like a children’s cartoon nose kiss. Her emerald eyes glanced between the mumbling, gawking, cheering crowd that watched Rarity and Rainbow dig into each other's teeth.

She struggled to find words to explain what was going on, or in fact, the entire day as the information overload had once again registered in her head. She wasn't meant to compute this.

“I... I... oh to hay with it, I don’t give a crap anymore! Three on Rarity. She's mad and-there ya go, look at her massage Rainbow's wings."

"Woah-oww!" Pinkie cried, grabbing her face. Rainbow's blue wings had sprung from the sides of her body like a piston slamming down the bore of an engine. Tears dripped down Pinkie's face at the feathers scratching at her eye. "My eye! Dash's wing hit my eye! Damndiddy damn damn, that's not replaceable, Rainbow! Why are things hitting that today? It’s not fair." Pinkie whimpered, burying her head into Applejack's coat.

Twilight blinked in confusion. She wasn’t sure if she were awake or dead. Most likely it was a mix of the two.

"So let me get this straight," she said, taking a sip of her pale ale. "Rainbow and Rarity have been insulting each other all night, and now they are... making out? I'm not even shocked anymore. Maybe they are just releasing all of that tension. They going to kill each other tomorrow."

Fluttershy clopped her forehooves together in delight. "It's adorable and wonderful! I told you, Twilight. As long as they don't have angry sex or kill each other. Don't worry, girls, I'll make sure they get along." Fluttershy looked at Twilight, giggling to herself. “Wait, no, we do want them to have angry sex, because that means they will get it all out of their systems, and everything will be alright.”

"Shouldn't you be more concerned than any of us since you’re the closest to both of them?" Twilight asked. "I mean... they both go to you for secrets they don't tell any of us."

"Oh I am, but that's very depressing and it’s your job to worry about things, Twilight," Fluttershy said calmly.

"Fluttershy! Don't fuel my paranoia!"

"There, there, Twilight," Fluttershy said, grabbing her friend with a wing. She stroked through Twilight's mane affectionately. "Rarity and Rainbow just need a nice, long, musky mating session. They'll both be just fine afterwards. I... think."

"They're our best friends! This... both of them, anger, issues, sex, drinking, today, logic, life, thoughts!”

Rainbow's and Rarity's loud kissing had made the crowd around the Elements forget the almost death battle that had erupted between them. Saliva sharing was putting it mildly at this point, and heavy petting was skirting around being an understatement. Rarity had long since begun to massage the base of Dash's wings tightly with her trimmed forehooves, tugging on Rainbow's unleashed mane with her magic. Rainbow had given up all pretenses of whatever shame she had left and groped Rarity's sides, her snout moving with Rarity's around the kiss. Time didn't seem to apply to either of them.

For all of her own cheering, Pinkie Pie stopped, tilting her muzzle to the side. "You know... I can pull some crazy things, but breathing and choking on water for three minutes isn't one of them. This is just getting ridiculous!"

"The moment they stop, I have a spell ready to knock them out in case they try to rip out each others pancreases." Twilight sighed quietly, adding another reason to the list of why she was gaining weight.

“I think they’re injurin’ their tongues more than their organs," Applejack chuckled. "And I didn’t know you could cast under the influence."

Twilight smiled slyly. “I’ve done it before, just not this drunk,” she laughed. “What’s the worst that can happen? My horn turns into a dildo? Well... it already kind of is one!”

Applejack shook her head from side to side, unable to keep her own grin from spreading across her muzzle as she sat beside Twilight. “Say, Twi’?”

“Uhh... yes, Applejack?”

“I hate to be this blunt, and ya never hear that comin’ from me, but... well... aww shoot, I’m freakin’ stutterin’ on my own words.”

“So I’ll do it for you, AJ!” Pinkie grabbed both of her friends, pressing their two coats together. “I’m kinda drunk right now, and I’m most likely gonna totally pass out in about an hour, and you girls should too.”

“Pinkie,” Applejack hissed, “Shut yer-”

“-so what Jackie is trying to say, is that this night has been completely and utterly buck sucked clucked up a duckie’s yucky puck muck. In Equish, she’s saying she wants to sleep with you, but thinks that tonight would be horrible for that, but if you want to cuddle and do things she’s totally cool with that.”

"But I was trying to flirt with her!" Fluttershy whined. "What about me? I thought that Applejack was too... and... and I just got the confidence..." Her ears wilted by the side of her muzzle. "Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I don't have feelings too. But... umm... I'll be quiet, like I always am."

Twilight scoffed at the floor. "Applejack, I'm not sure that's a good time to ask for that, but I do feel like we're the only sane ponies left."

"Don't you remember an hour ago, Twilight?" Pinkie said. "Me and Applejack spent two hundred bits at Hot Topic!"

"So she's done some pretty stupid things, but not quite as stupid as everypony else."

"She made out with Rainbow Dash and was flirting with me! You might-"

Twilight's horn faintly shimmered to light as she propelled Pinkie into Fluttershy. "And... well... I'm kind of drunk and needy right now, and so I'm going to abuse my friendships for my own sanity."

"How very Dash like of ya," Applejack laughed. "And I wasn't hittin' on her. I... think. Just seein' how she'd react like what ya did to her earlier. I-"

“Woah woah woah, back, that, plot, up.” Pinkie Pie blew out a plume of air from the end of her snout, her cerulean eyes staring into Applejack's. “Are you saying I can’t take a hit, Jackie?”

“I... never said that." Applejack blinked. "But if I really decked you? No, Pinkers. You’d be out cold.”

“Oh yeah!? Bring it!” Pinkie prodded Applejack's chest. “Come on, give me a hit! I’ve been hit by many things before. Like my dad’s belt. You can’t hurt me.”

“Pinkie...” Twilight whimpered. “Please stop. Don't be an angry drunk. The stupidity of my friends today is too damn-”

“I told you no memes without my approval, Twi’ Twi’!” Pinkie shot back. “This fight is between me and the cousin cuddler!”

“If yer're tryin’ to be RD, Pinkie, yer're gonna fail and yer're gonna fail hard.” Applejack reached forward to ruffle through Pinkie’s mane affectionately. “I just couldn’t hit ya, Pinkie, unless you really went psycho on me. I just don’t see that in yer eyes.”

Pinkie pouted loudly. “O-o-o-oh yeah!? Well... uhh... you smell!”

“I’m mighty proud of my natural scent,” AJ rumbled, scoffing at her chest. "Natural and proud."

Pinkie sneered. “Well your mom-”

Applejack’s forehoof decked Pinkie in the cheek very much like Rarity’s did earlier that day with Fluttershy. The hoof was fully pressed into Pinkie's cheek, swung at a tilted angle, and made a sickening crunch on impact.

In other words: It was completely unlike the slap Rarity gave to Fluttershy. It was very much a full out barnyard punch to the face.

The result was Pinkie slamming into the formerly alcohol drinking and depressed Fluttershy, sending both of them tumbling into a stack of pillows.

“Ya know, I’m not even mad,” Applejack said, closing her eyes contently as she turned toward Twilight. “I just think that was three years of all of us twitchin' at her antics in one punch. Besides, she'll be alright, and she'll forgive me for it. You don't insult Mama."

She looked down to see Twilight gently pressing her muzzle into her neck, snorting quietly at the knock out punch that Applejack directed at Pinkie. "Now, Twi', you aren't allowed to be adorable. You just got that cute nerdy thing going on, and it can break hearts, girl."

"Oh shut up, Applejack, I'm just forgetting all of the stupidity around me and enjoying your body heat. Can't I enjoy how we've lost our innocence?" Twilight looked up at Applejack, giggling quietly to herself as she bumped her horn into Applejack's neck. "I'm just trying to wonder if I want to try a time travel spell again, take you home, blow this place up, or kiss you. Or maybe just wipe my mind."

Applejack lifted up Twilight's chin. "Why can't ya do all five at once in a different order? Hay, maybe I'll... oh damn it-we do need ta fix all of this in the next week-"

"Who cares about next week right now," Twilight stated. "Don't pull a me. Not here, and not now. You can do that later, but not now."

"Well I-"

Twilight pressed her lips into Applejack's, knowing that it was an effective solution into shutting most ponies up. It did exactly that with Applejack, and both of their ears folded by the sides of their muzzles as they accepted the improvised kiss.

Her rational mind agreed with her in that such a simple action could have solved most of the problems of the day, and in fact on retrospect it seemed to have with her, and pretty much all of her friends.

Although not quite.

"I just made out with Rainbow Dash and all I can taste is her!"

"Ahh fuck it, Rarity's awake," Applejack spat, sending a wad of saliva onto Twilight's nose. "Way to ruin the magic, Rarity."

"Eww!" Twilight coughed, wiping her muzzle. "I have your spit up my nose. Gross."

"Well blame them," Applejack snarled. "They startled me."

"What did you expect, Rarity?" Rainbow yelled, the entire front of Rarity's and her own snout were drenched in spittle. "Do you have any idea how incredible that was? Celestia's mom, you're the best kisser I've ever had! Look at me. I'm soaked, I'm drooling, and-"

"I don't care how delightfully decadent your groin and mouth is, because the whole concept of being with you is repulsive!" Rarity shoved Rainbow off of her to the disappointment of the crowd. However, their attention and enjoyment was being fulfilled by the berserk kissing of Pinkie and Fluttershy sloppily pulling onto each other's faces. The attention span of a crowd watching two mares in their prime making out was fickle.

Rarity glanced at Fluttershy and Pinkie. Despite her own muzzle being covered in Dash's saliva, the disgust on her face only grew worse. "Oh for Luna's lactations can we all-"

"Are you kidding me?" Rainbow pulled herself back up onto her hooves, letting out a happy laugh. "Your crotch was soaking mine. You can't say you're grossed out by any of this." She turned her muzzle to watch her two friends making out, letting out a soft whistle. "And that's why I dated both of them."

Scoffing off her coat with a brush of her forehooves, Rarity blew out a vibrating nicker of stress from her soul. "I'm done," she said flatly. "We're done, Dash. I can't take this anymore. There is only one proper way to solve this. I love you, darling. I hate you oh so much, darling, but there is one way to settle this score tonight. And I'm going to win, and you will accept it, and everypony in Canterlot and Equestria will know it. It will redeem everything that has gone wrong. Everything."

"No, Rarity!" Pinkie screamed, spit exploding from her snout to drench Fluttershy's face. "You can't do this! Please. I beg you!"

"Shut up, Pinkie Pie!" Rarity shouted, stomping a forehoof onto the floor, "it's the only universally agreed upon way this dispute can be solved between Rainbow and I."

"This is madness!" Pinkie cried, tears pouring down her cheeks. She flew over to hug Rarity tightly, sobbing into her coat. "It's not fashionable anymore! And she's... she's... Dashie's county champion! Just because you're runner up-"

"I, said, shut, up, Pinkie Pie!"

"I'll shut her up," Fluttershy growled seductively, pulling Pinkie on top of her.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Applejack, ignoring the bits of saliva dripping down her muzzle. "Uhh... do you-"

"No, and I don't give a damn," Applejack growled. "This day has buckin' sucked. Nothin's gone right."

"And maybe that's something you and I need to realize, Applejack. We want everything to be orderly and just like yesterday, and yet no matter how hard we try things always come up that change it. I-"

"Shut the hay up, Twilight; I'm too horny, tired, drunk, an' angry for a lecture."

Twilight's eyes stared into Applejack's. "How da-"

"Ya just wanted to push all of this off until later, and now ya're doublebackin' on what ya just said?" Applejack chuckled. "Sounds like somemare's having a bit of trouble with logic."

"Damn you," Twilight whispered, flicking her tail through Applejack's. "You are so like me sometimes."

Rainbow stared at Rarity, her eyes slowly blinking as she processed the words that hung through the air. She stood still, silently, until she fell over onto her side, squealing herself raw. "Holy crap, you are serious aren't you? You wanna get your plot kicked in public? Here? With this many ponies looking on, Rarity?"

Rarity stepped forward, pressing her muzzle into Rainbow's and reconnecting their saliva dripping snouts once again. "Oh my wondrous Rainbow," Rarity purred, "it is you who will be my slave in defeat. I know you'll accept, won't you?"

Dash tittered in excitement. "How can't I accept destroying you half drunk? Hay, this'll undrunk me, even if that's completely not possible."

"I still have no idea what they are talking about," Twilight said. "I-"

Her eyes opened in sheer horror.

"I can't let you two do this!" Twilight shoved herself between Rainbow and Rarity, her eyes darted between them in panic. "The heat exhaustion. The alcohol. Even more shame for us. Everything! It'll be a disaster. A horrible, horrible disaster! Worse than even the parasprites. Or even right now!"

Applejack was the last to compute the magnitude of what was to come. She instantly grabbed Twilight protectively, sweat pouring down her face. "N-n-no! I love ya girls, but you can't-"

"Yes!" Rarity bellowed, "I, Rarity Gemma, challenge you, Rainbow Lightning Dash, to Dance, Dance, Revolution."

Chapter Seventeen: Emergency Erotic Exits

View Online

Invictus had seen many things in its long and active life. It remembered jazz; it was there for rock ‘n roll; it was at the center of disco, and now it was the host of trance, and whatever current slammings were considered music in the modern day and age. It had even seen D.D.R contests, and drunken ones with mares duking it out for sexual fun at the end of the night.

What it hadn't seen, was Rarity and Rainbow Dash.

Normally, either of them entering a place was usually a good thing for business or publicity. Or they could cause massive amounts of collateral damage due to some unfortunate event following them in their hoofsteps. Knowing their current track record for the day it was most likely going to include a bit of both.

What had originally been the Elements of Harmony going out for a night of fun had turned into nearly the entire club gathering to see Rainbow and Rarity duel each other in a dance off. It could have been a sing off, but that was not nearly as interesting or dramatic. Dramatic encapsulated who Rainbow and Rarity were. For better and worse.

Hundreds of ponies gathered around the center of the club, arcade machines and gambling tables pushed aside to place the dancing pads smack in the middle of the establishment. Alcohol and snacks were being served left and right for the impending storm. There was nothing wrong with the club using the semi-famous mares for profit, was there? Covering themselves in case Rarity and Rainbow decided to burn the club down in fisticuffs was a solid back up plan.

The stage, ceiling, and dance lights had all been focused on the two pulsating video game platforms that were empty, eagerly awaiting for the arrival of their occupants who were refreshing themselves within the limits that a moderate buzz would allow. If they were going to be dancing to the death half drunk it was better to do it while they still presented a semi-decent image of themselves.

As the crowd of ponies eagerly awaited the free entertainment they were about to receive, Twilight and Applejack had given up on pondering to themselves on how all of this had happened. They simply stood next to the stage, preparing for the worst. And that included Twilight blowing up the club and committing mass genocide to solve all of her problems, including her sanity.

Thankfully, she found Applejack's coat to be enjoyable and very coatish, and so her hidden violent tendencies were sedated by horse fur.

She shook her snout gently from side to side, which inadvertently resulted in a half nuzzle into Applejack's neck. “Celestia is going to find out about all of this. Younger me would say she’s going to say I shouldn’t be her student anymore, but...”

Applejack quickly responded. “Listen, Twi’: You seriously need to stop bein’ so worried about what she thinks about every life choice you make. She’s kinda busy runnin’ a nation of tens of millions of ponies ‘n other creatures. Hay, I’m sure she pushed you out of Canterlot so ya could experience things. Yer're twenty years old now. She’s not in the ceiling watchin’ you clop or somethin’.”

Twilight looked up at Applejack. “First: Equestria is a constitutional representative diarchy. Luna and Celestia control the armed forces during conflict, have limited veto powers, and are used as centuries old advisers on... well... pretty much anything and everything. Second-oww! Don’t bonk me on the nose, I’m not a dog!”

“Even half drunk ya go overboard on subjects like dynamite to a door jam.” Applejack chuckled, ruffling messily through Twilight's mane. "I swear ya got somethin’ else other than OCD up in that head of yours.”

“An incoming hangover and headache at watching two of my best friends about to make idiots of themselves," Twilight mumbled. "In addition to what has happened already today from all of us. Yep. I can feel both the hangover and the headache already. Absolutely positive I can feel both right now. There's only so many ups and downs I can take mentally in one day."

Applejack scratched at Twilight's chest gently. "Just cause you 'n I did the least amount of dumb shit - if I may be Prench - doesn't mean we didn't do any dumb shit at all."

"You did kiss Rainbow three times today," Twilight snorted quietly.

"I-I-I might have a few feelings for her I didn't realize! The stress and alcohol didn't help. We're just so alike 'n so many ways. D-don't you turn this around on me when ya didn't do as much as I did."

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Applejack. "Isn't... that the point? If you've done more than I have today. And are you... stuttering, Applejack? That's rare from you."

"Don't you smirk at me like that!" Applejack snorted at Twilight, her ears wilting by the sides of her muzzle as Twilight's grin grew. "D-don't you grin at me, missy!"

"This might be worth the headache and the hangover," Twilight rumbled, fluttering her eyelashes at Applejack. "Seeing you stuttering and submissive? What would Rainbow say?"

"Shut it, Twilight," Applejack whimpered. "Shut-"

"Oh no," Twilight purred darkly, "I'm going to enjoy teasing you as much as I can, and that whimper absolutely proved my point. This is so fun to do, now that I know I can do it pretty well, if I may say so myself. Have you ever seen yourself blush, Applejack? Seeing a tough mare like you blush is just... wow! It's adorable! I never thought you could be adorable, but seeing how red you are now? And how you're cowering a bit? It-"

If Twilight had wings - or knew in the future that she'd be getting them - they would have sprung beside her frame at the sudden kiss Applejack gave her. Considering that both she and Applejack had suddenly kissed a pony twice that day she really couldn't blame her for doing it.

Not that her currently inebriated mind cared too much that her date had inserted her tongue twice into Rainbow's mouth, or that it had inserted itself into her own.

Twilight tilted her muzzle into the passionate kiss that Applejack aptly used to shut her up, silently proud of her for learning the very useful technique of making out with a friend in order to stop them from saying something stupid. Her tail flicked through Applejack's own while her tongue lapped playfully at the thick member that had decided to dangle inside of her muzzle. She felt her ears perk up in excitement at the passion, standing up on the tips of her hooves in an unexplained glee that filled her heart as she enjoyed a casual and random lip suckle.

When the kiss broke it was very clear that several ponies were staring at her and Applejack, even though their kiss had not reached anywhere near the ferocity of the previous ones her other four friends had made. She licked her lips of the faint drizzle of Applejack's saliva melting on her tongue, her eyes slowly opening up to scan the crowd around her.

A mob would have been a more accurate word with how many ponies had begun to fill in around the center of the room, and thankfully she and Applejack were at the inner edge of that mob, only surrounded on three sides instead of all four. It didn't make her own blushing at realizing she had spent some time inside of Applejack's mouth any smaller, nor from preventing her own meeker side from expressing itself by the way her ears folded as she shyly pressed her snout into Applejack's neck.

She was used to this.

The being at the center of attention during a moment of crisis part. Not the being caught making out with a best friend half drunk at a club part.

She would never get used to what world altering and socially awkward events she was dragged into both willingly and unwillingly.

It was reasons like today why she never left her house most of the time.

"So was this just another modus operandi for us?" Twilight chuckled, scoffing at the floor. "Just at a larger and more intimate scale than I wanted it to be?"

"Ahh hay, don't give me your Neightin crap right now, Twilight." Applejack snorted, rolling her eyes. "It worked, didn't it? Who's blushin' now?"

"Both of us," Twilight smiled. "And I could just start swearing every other sentence like you and Rainbow do when you're drunk. Or... period really."

"Ya have been swearin' a bunch."

"Well today has shown me that swearing is... useful, fun, and relieves stress." Twilight closed her eyes contently. "I should try it more, but don't expect me to start swearing like Rarity when she's drunk, or when she's wanting to kill Rainbow Dash. Both of us do have very erudite ways to tell a pony to cram it."

Applejack ruffled Twilight's mane roughly, only to receive a thrum of magic messing up her own mane in return. "I try to keep it down in public-"

"Try being the key word-"

"-and do it none around foals. But us Fruits alone? Girl, us farmers' can churn up a storm."

Twilight nickered out a laugh. "And the Royal Guards? They swear more than you think. They are the military after all. The same is true with university students. I guess I've just been around the Princess so long that I've been scared to death to say anything vulgar. And... well... I like the way I talk without having to result to vulgarities."

"Aww, Twi', notice how much of a kick Rarity has when she lets one loose? Yer're the same way. Just cause yer're smart doesn't mean that ya can't curse, ya silly filly."

"You're so right," Twilight said, slapping Applejack's rump with her tail. "Thanks for the support, Applejack. Rainbow was right: We are alike in a lot of ways. Just don't expect me to even come close to matching you or Rainbow when it comes to swearing."

"As long as ya don't mind me when the fluglehorn calls for it." Applejack winked.

Twilight looked up at Applejack. "Does sex usually read to things like today? Because it seems to be that it always does, or is it just us? I always thought that it could be... well... more normal sometimes."

Applejack broke out into a loud cackle, wrapping a forehoof tightly around Twilight's side. “Jeez, girl, you are absolutely adorable when ya are curious 'n shy like that.” Twilight blushed furiously at the compliment. “Ain't revenge sweet?"

"No comment," Twilight grumbled.

"And usually? Pretty much, but not as bad as we do it. As ya said, we tend to go over a barrel half the time, don’t we?” Applejack shrugged. “I’m turnin’ into you: Acceptin’ it for the sake of my sanity, and ya might as well have a bit of fun in the process. I... I just hope I’m not gonna turn into Pinks and go out lookin’ for trouble for giggles.”

“But looking is half the fun!”

Pinkie squeezed her frame between Twilight's and Applejack's, shivering to herself as her body and coat was compacted by the pressure around her. "Ohh," she moaned loudly, "I should not do that when I'm drunk and all yiffy. This feels so good."

"Please don't moan like that ever again, Pinkie." Applejack twitched. "That sounded so wrong comin' from your mouth."

"What?" Pinkie flicked an ear at Applejack. "Is it my fault Twilight has a nice coat? It's slightly curved and nice. Your's is a bit rough, Jackie, but it has this... like... 'wild mare' kinda thing going for it."

Twilight growled quietly at Pinkie Pie. "I was half cuddling-ohh... I didn't know your fur was this squishy, Pinkie."

She rubbed her muzzle deeply into Pinkie's neck, whickering contently as her tail smacked into the pony behind her. "This, feels, amazing. You're like a poodle, Pinkie Pie! You act like one most of the time too, but that's not important right now."

Applejack raised an eyebrow as Twilight continued to let out a trundle of feral pony sounds she had never heard from her lips before. Twilight ground her snout and horn into Pinkie's neck, rumbling deeply in contentment.

"Mmm. Is this what a horn rubbing stand feels like?" Several sparks of magic flickered off of her horn as she smeared it across Pinkie's skin. "I'm so getting one after tonight."

Pinkie chuckled dryly, a shy smile darting across her muzzle. “Hey, Applejack?” She rubbed her teeth together nervously, cherry quickly forming solid lines across her cheeks. "I know I never say this, but this is kinda... awkward. I'm not used to a pony grinding into me like this, and... uhh..."

“It’s okay, Pinks.” Applejack stroked through Pinkie's smooth and curled mane softly. “It’s kinda how you make us feel sometimes with what ya do 'n say, but Rainbow does that too. I just think the alcohol’s gettin’ to her, since she doesn't drink like the rest of us. And the stress. Just scoot over; I got her tonight.”

“I... I make you all feel this awkward?” Pinkie pulled herself back from Twilight, her ears folding beside her muzzle. "Oh no, I-"

Applejack cursed under her lips, the expression on Pinkie's face growing more dire. “I didn’t mean it like that, so don't you cry on me, missy. Sometimes ya do things that make us feel a bit uneasy, and maybe that’s somethin’ to work on, girl, but most of the time you make us giggle, roll our eyes at your silliness, or livin’ up the place. We love ya, Pinks, and you should just be yourself an’ learn when ya just go a bit overboard. 'Sides, ya see what I'm like plastered on the wall, and it ain't like all of us aren't a bit nuts up in our heads."

Pinkie giggled quietly, nodding her muzzle.

Applejack smiled. "Yer're so damn sweet, and we know ya mean the best, Pinkie. Always. You make us laugh at life. Somethin' that a lot of ponies just need to learn to do.”

What shocked Applejack the most was the deep, stress relieving sigh that Pinkie let out of her muzzle. It wasn't a cartoony, comical sigh like she normally did; it was one of a massive burden leaving her heart, and the honest peace in her eyes was for a lack of a better word, beautiful.

“Thank you, Applejack," Pinkie said. "It’s been something I’ve been struggling with for... well... years. I'm always worried you all just put up with me.”

Applejack laughed deeply. “Oh Tartarus, girl, Dasha an' I have about a twenty second policy to ponies who are real pricks, and Rarity and Twilight aren’t far behind. Yer're just silly ninety nine percent of the time. Just gotta learn when ya cross the line and pull back when it's too much. We love ya, girl, and always will.”

Tears welled up in the corners of Pinkie’s eyes as she leaped forward to press her muzzle into Applejack’s, tilting her snout to the side to give Applejack a deep, quick kiss in delight. Her tail wagged happily behind herself once the kiss broke, euphoria emanating from Pinkie's blue eyes.

“I love you girls so much,” Pinkie sniffled, wiping away her tears. “This is only like... thirty three point six six percent of the alcohol talking. You have no idea how much that means to me, Applejack. I owe you a billion times over for taking the biggest problem in my life and just bucking it to Neverland!"

"I think ya need to calm your horses a bit, Pinkie." Applejack swallowed down the mixed taste of Pinkie's and Twilight's saliva hanging on her tongue, unclear if she wished to never taste both of them again or go for double dippings. "Ya can get a bit moody drunk I think."

"Oh I just can’t even describe how much happier I feel. I think the evil side of me is like... dying in an evil scream of doomy-”

“You see?” Twilight purred, “this is why AJ’s my second-in-command."

She lifted her muzzle up from Applejack's coat, her mane in slight disarray from rubbing into both Applejack's and Pinkie's sides. "She can pull a me when the time calls for it, lead from the front, and teach lessons when I’m not around. I love you too, Pinkie Pie, and your amazing coat. So this is why you’ll be the morale officer-”

Pinkie backhoof slapped Twilight across the cheek and into Applejack’s side, Applejack digging her hooves into the ground to keep herself from falling over from the impact.

Pinkie stood in silence, shaking her forehoof rapidly to dull the faint throbbing. “Wow," she whispered, "controlled violence is kind of enjoyable! I never knew how fun it could be!”

“Ya see?” Applejack chuckled. “Part of the fun of applebuckin’. So I think when she talks about... that, we should just slap her like ya would a big dog who drops a load on yer floor. Train her to stop.”

“Good plan!” Pinkie chirped, bouncing in the air. “I think we’ve made kind of a big scene with that, so maybe-”

Mares and Gentlecolts, we have something special for you tonight.

“Oh don’t worry about it.” Applejack tilted her head toward the stage. “Ya think those two would not strut like those really brightly colored birds Fluttershy has?”

“Le gasp!” Pinkie said. “Fluttershy! I’ll go make sure she makes out with me so that she doesn't feel bad about not having Twilight and that we both can let off a bunch of steam. It's time to completely rule the conversation and woo her to me. I never knew I could be so... cunning.”

Pinkie purred, galloping off to half tackle herself into whatever conversation Fluttershy was having with the ponies around her.

Applejack simply shook her muzzle, glancing down at the incoherent Twilight leaning into her. "What does alcohol do to us?"

Normally, such foxy fillies don’t catch our attention in this manner with a catfight, but after we learned who they were, how could we turn this gala down?

She huffed to herself in amusement. “It’ll be better than the Gala. I know that. Only thing that saved that was the after party.”

Twilight pulled herself off from Applejack’s side, rubbing her cheek. “Did... did I just collapse again?” Her bloodshot and out of focus eyes slowly looked up at Applejack.

“Yeah, Twi,” Applejack nodded. “You kinda did. Those were some mighty big ales you were drinkin’.”

What are the chances that the Elements of Harmony came out looking for a darker night on the town? What are the chances two of them - or should we say all six of them - are battling it out for each others... Element?

“Celestia’s breasts I think I have a real migraine now,” Twilight slurred. “Oww. Migraine. And drunk. And I'm horny. And... why am-"

She froze. "I... rubbed my horn into Pinkie Pie’s coat didn’t I?”

Applejack nodded slowly. "Ya did, and should ya really be talkin' about the Princess'... erm... crotch region? I'm not exactly chipper on that image in my mind right now, Twilight. Or... ever, really."

Twilight blushed profusely, shuffling in place. "Y-y-yeah... good point, Applejack, but it's kind of all I can think about right now, other than the burning white light in my head. As much fun as it would be to watch Rainbow and Rarity make idiots of themselves... again... I don't think I'm coherent enough to watch it without vomiting on the floor from the strobe lights."

"Aww dang it," Applejack pouted. "I wanted to see that, and now ya gotta take that away from me? Can't ya just pass out on my side, Twilight, and I can laugh at what's about to happen? I'd appreciate that."

"I’m not exactly up for letting my scent get noticed by the ponies around me from me rubbing my horn into Pinkie's neck. Which... yep. There it is. Horn stimulation.”

“W-w-well,” Applejack began, her cheeks quickly turning red in return, “I think-”

The spotlights swiveled toward Applejack and Twilight, blinding them in a bombardment of light. “And it seems these two mares either have the hots for each other, or one of our contestants is about to have a long, sweaty night with one of or both of these fine fillies.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Twilight hissed, shoving a forehoof into Applejack's muzzle. “We’re getting out of here, if you like it or not, and I know exactly how.”

“But I was complimentin’-”

Twilight closed her eyes quickly, red lightning coiling and sparkling from her horn. “All I have to do-oww! Is teleport us to one of the private rooms, focus on what the relative size of the room should be-”

“Castin’ that drunk, and slightly high, and with a headache!?” Applejack panicked.

So how about we introduce these two duelists, or should we let their flanks introduce themselves?

“-shunt my cerebral cortex,” Twilight gritted between her teeth. Static electricity slithered around her horn and frame, faint pulses of air wiggling over her coat.

Applejack opened her muzzle. “We could walk-”

“Not fast enough,” Twilight countered, grinning to herself. “I think I can do this.”

Think?!” Applejack yelled, indifferent to the dozens of ponies now staring at the two mares. “We could die!

“And that,” Twilight said, lightning crackling around her coat, “is half the fun.”

Chapter Eighteen: It's Time To D-d-d-d-d-d-duel!

View Online

Author’s Note: The following chapter contains music. A shock for D.D.R right? I have provided a link for you, and the scene was written to be read with the music, although it is not required.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash were both mares of dramatic entrances if the event called for such a thing. Having the limelight stolen when they were half drunk wasn’t exactly an easy way to get into their hearts. They had spent minutes planning a grandiose entrance, and Twilight and Applejack had to steal it from them. It was unfair!

The last thing Rarity and Rainbow had heard and seen was the announcer drumming up the crowd for their glorious entrance. It was cut short by Applejack screaming about her impending death, and the clear crackle and light of Twilight's signature magic exploding beside the stage in a roar of chain lightning.

They had been betrayed by Twilight and Applejack, and they were not amused that their limelight had been taken from them. It was only made worse by them being drunk, horny, and pent up enough to fuel that rage twofold.

"You have to be friggin kidding me!" Rainbow cried, bursting from her side of the crowd. "You ruined my entrance, Twilight. You freaking ruined it. Way to not stay around and see me destroy Rarity half drunk. A plus on the moral support, guys. A, bucking, plus."

Rarity rampaged through her former fans, leaping onto the stage with a thick growl escaping from her lips. "We had this whole thing planned out, and they just had to ruin it, didn't they, Rainbow Dash? The nerve of them! All of that planning gone out the window again. It's like it's an epidemic in which everypony must ruin our entrances when they can, and make us look like fools."

She slammed her forehoof loudly onto the gaming pad. "I will not tolerate that anymore! I have had enough of looking like a pop star gone wild."

"What buzz kills," Rainbow snorted, hovering beside Rarity. "All of those moves and things I wanted to say. And now I can't say them! This sucks."

"Truly it does." Rarity vibrated her lips in contempt. "And I feel sorry for all of the ponies who did not get to see our proper entrance. We are sorry, everypony, that our two... 'friends' ruined it."

The crowd agreed with Rarity and Rainbow, booing Twilight's and Applejack's disappearance and hurting their free entertainment.

"Wait a minute, everypony!"

Pinkie twirled through the air like an 80's action hero, landing beside Rarity. "Twilight was-woah-hah..."

She dry heaved, leaning into Rarity for support as she choked on her own breath. "Okay... I'm not doing that again after that much drinking. I... I feel sick."

Rainbow landed beside Pinkie, wrapping a wing gently around her friend as she held Pinkie to her side. "Are you okay, Pinks? Maybe you should find a room to chill in. I think the two beers, sake, vodka, tequila, and whatever else you drank isn't a good mix. I think it's getting to you."

"I can't leave you two," Pinkie hiccuped. "I... I have to watch you... you two-"

Her mouth closed, her cheeks bulging as Rainbow prepared to hold Pinkie in preparation for her vomiting on the stage. It was the least she could do for Pinkie, considering she actually stayed around to watch her and Rarity dance. Unlike Twilight and Applejack.

Instead, Pinkie belched in what could only be described as a heroic burp of the ages, sending out a fog horn of air and sound from her mouth that echoed the club to the very core.

She aptly received a roar of applause from the audience as Rainbow leaned into her, crying in hysterics. Rarity backed away from Pinkie to protect her damaged ear drums from the bass shaking in her head.

"Much better, until about ten minutes from now." Pinkie whinnied, shaking her husky rump behind herself excitedly. "As I was saying. Listen here, everypony! I know where Twilight and Applejack went. What happens when two drunk ponies go into a room together?"

"They score!" Rainbow cheered. The audience yelled loudly with her, only causing the ringing in Rarity's ears to become worse as she loudly swore to herself to dull the pain. "Twilight's gonna totally lose her virginity. Take that, Rarity."

She stabbed a forehoof into Rarity's chest. "I got my plan to work," she sang. "I outsmarted you, Rarity. "Take, that. I knew that Twilight and Applejack were meant to be together."

"Piss off, you Pegasus penis piston," Rarity spat, digging her forehooves into Rainbow's chest. "I worked hard for everything tonight, and if I may be blunt - which I will be - my plans have gone to complete and utter shite thanks to you and everypony else. Sod off."

“And she would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for us meddling Elements.” Pinkie nodded. “She swears a lot drunk and with no money in her bank account, Rainbow. I think it’s kinda hot. It could be me being drunk too though.”

"She is hot when she swears," Rainbow whickered seductively, her tail swishing excitedly behind her. "I think I have a thing for smart girls swearing. Did ya know your accent gets stronger when you are drunk or angry, Rares? It's like you really were born in the Braytish Isles!"

Rarity snarled at Rainbow. "Buck off."

"Oh man you are gonna make me squirt if you keep on doing that."

“You wanking winged wench.” Rarity neighed, snapping her jaws at Rainbow. "I, will, destroy you!"

The crowd around the stage had started to chant as Rarity hissed at Rainbow, preparing for them to skip the dancing and go straight for a cat fight in the middle of the club. It was entertainment enough. They weren't picky about it.

Stop, fighting!”

Fluttershy hovered over the stage to the disappointment of the crowd, folding her forehooves on her hips as she stared down Rarity, Pinkie, and Rainbow. "I can't believe what my friends have turned into when they are drunk and needing a good mating."

"But you made out with me!" Pinkie cried. "My tongue still hurts because of that. Ouchie."

"That's not important right now, Pinkie."


Fluttershy's aqua eyes glowed like a stormy ocean as she stared down Pinkie, her gaze moving over toward Rainbow and Rarity. She was content with the whimpers of fear that escaped from their lips.

"You two should be ashamed of yourselves," Fluttershy said. "I thought that we would have a wonderful night laughing, snuggling, and having a nice time playing with each other, but you two have just been so... so mean to each other. You've crossed the line too many times tonight. I feel awful bringing my best cannabis tonight and you all just keep on fighting, drinking, and calling each other names like you always do."

"But... umm... we were pretty chill at Bayston," Rainbow squeaked. "We-"

"Did I give you permission to speak, Rainbow?"

Rainbow covered her muzzle with her wings. "No, ma'am."

Fluttershy huffed loudly, her eyes scanning over the room to the complete silence of the club. The music had died swiftly, and not a sound was heard, other than the faint breathing of all of the living creatures - and perhaps unliving objects - waiting for her next move or command.

"Now you two are going to dance, have a good time, get all of this out of you, and make everypony happy. And then you are going to go to a room, and I don't care what you do, as long as you aren't grouchy and mean tomorrow morning. You're going to be the loving, beautiful, sweet mares I call my best friends when we wake up. Got it?"

Rainbow looked between Rarity and Fluttershy, her ears folded by the sides of her muzzle. "I... it's true, isn't it, Rarity? We've been awful to each other this whole time, and it's got out of control. Way out of control. I... I think we're just too horny, drunk, and pent up for our own good, you know? We're just way too tense from everything that's happened today."

"I'm so sorry, darlings," Rarity sniffled. "I never knew we hurt you like that, Fluttershy. And you're so right, Rainbow Dash, we have been bloody awful to each other today and have taken our anger out on everypony around us. We've just repressed our sex drives for so long that it's just exploded in emotional outbursts like we are all in permanent estrus."

"Not gonna lie," Pinkie said, "you two have been really mean to each other. Floppy horse penises to each other. Booping, and smearing, and squirting-"

"Subject change," Rarity sang. "Last thing I want to think about is a stallionhood."

Fluttershy slowly dragged her forehooves up and down Rarity's and Rainbow's backs. "It's okay. Look at how much fun we've all had, outside of the fighting. You two just need to spend some time together and stop fighting. It's... umm... really damn annoying, and the crowd wants you two to do something."

"If it means Fluttershy just swore then it had to have been pretty bad," Rainbow chuckled.

“Now dance, before the alcohol makes you two unable to walk. Besides, if you all don’t dance...”

Fluttershy yanked up Rainbow's and Rarity's tails high into the air, exposing their crotches and forcing - although a most welcome forcing - an intimate anatomy lesson for the hundreds of ponies in the club to see. “We don’t get to see these things shake. So get shaking, and let’s see your marehoods move!

She screamed at the top of her lungs, shaking the ceiling and sending an uproar of applause from the audience.

Rarity and Rainbow stared at her, their tails locked in place as they looked at Fluttershy in slack jawed shock.

Pinkie Pie jumped into the crowd without a care in the universe, throwing her forehooves into the air with a pounding vigor glowing in her bright blue eyes. "You just got punked by Fluttershy! Greatest, drunk, punking, ever! Get on with the dancing!"

Yes, get on with it!” Invictus boomed with nearly a thousand voices hollering themselves raw in cheers, hoots, neighs, and hoof stomps.

If only they were paying more attention they would have noticed Fluttershy passing a playful wink to Pinkie as she landed beside her. She nuzzled sweetly into Pinkie's side, giving her lips a quick kiss as she looked at her, the alcohol and adrenaline high flowing through her body.

She teasingly rubbed her pink tail across Pinkie's curly coat and cutie mark, fluttering her eyelashes. “You, me, later tonight, Pinkie?”

“My calendar is full of important things," Pinkie pondered, stroking her chin. "And this is very random, since you were hitting on Twilight, and you and I have almost nothing in common."

"Does it matter?" Fluttershy giggled. "I'm really drunk and excited right now."

"Excellent point," Pinkie said. "But I have lots of things I need to do tomorrow. Like lots of peeing in the middle of the night, and sleeping, and maybe some vomiting, and wondering if I want to do this again next month."

"Is... that a no?" Fluttershy's ears folded.

Pinkie rocked on her hooves. “But... I think I can slip in fondling a Pegasususus somewhere in there. Even-mmmph!”

Fluttershy and Pinkie's muzzles rubbed together as Fluttershy inserted her tongue into Pinkie's mouth without bothering to ask her, which was a running trend with the kissing of the Elements of Harmony. Pinkie's squeal of surprise was replaced by a feminine moan as she gave into the wet tongue inside of her mouth once more, continuing the kiss they had recently shared.

“If you think Rainbow’s wings are soft, wait until you feel mine,” Fluttershy nickered seductively.

“Challenge accepted,” Pinkie growled lustfully, smacking Fluttershy's side.

Rainbow and Rarity closed their lips as they slowly looked at the crowd around them, their two best friends making out, and each other. Their cheeks were as bright red as Applejack's cutie mark, and it was an apt response considering that their nethers were exposed to the public in more than a casual or teasing manner that they normally did to several hundred sexually active ponies.

"Uhh... what just happened?" Rainbow's wings dug into her sides painfully as she looked over Rarity's face for answers.

"I... I do believe Fluttershy just lifted up our tails for the public to see and has now inspired a crowd of ponies to fantasize about us in more ways than I want them to. I must admit, it was a good way to get our attention and get us to shut up and stop fighting."

Rarity swallowed down the ball of saliva in her throat, the action repeated by Rainbow as the announcer was barely overheard by the chanting of the crowd. They were thankful for that, considering a personal opinion on their withers was being blasted over the loud speakers.

"W-w-well... uhh... ponies do that about us anyways," Rainbow chuckled meekly. "And it's because they're jealous they don't look as good as we do. I mean... look at us. We're balling."

"Don't ever say 'balling' again," Rarity said. "Although if I must be honest... yes... our hindquarters are as attractive as we think they are, no?"

Rainbow scoffed at the game pad. "Sorry, it's from when I dated Vinyl Scratch. But you've got a really nice curve on your flank you know? Really brings out the female body in a way most mares just can't do. The yoga helps. It's like... sleek. And the grey compliments the white."

The glow on Rarity's face turned into a sheet of crimson. She looked at Dash shyly with her azure eyes. “W-w-why Rainbow, I don’t know what to say! Thank you for one, you nasty little thing. Be glad I’m half drunk, otherwise I'd slap you for that."

"I dunno," Rainbow smirked, "you like it when your butt is complimented."

"Oh shut up," Rarity chuckled. "I’d be lying to myself though if you aren’t the pinnacle of the mare body in motion. Streamlined, toned; you have a gait that is won from your years of fitness and I simply can not replicate that, even if I tried.” She scoffed at her pad in return. “Besides, I... think the cobalt fur you have between your cheeks is a lovely contrast, too.”

Rainbow looked away, her cheeks ruby as she smiled at Rarity. “T-t-thanks,” she squeaked. “I... I can’t believe we just complimented our runways without kicking each other there.”

“Let’s not think about it, Dashie dear." Rarity pat Rainbow gently on the shoulder. "Now lets pick a song before the audience decides to use us as sex objects. I shall keep my gloryhole fantasies to myself, thank you very much.”

Rarity pulled back the minor curls she had from her spa makeover with a tug of her magic. She looked at Rainbow with a confident grin, giving her a playful wink. "I don't want my mane to get in the way of my eyes, no?"

Rainbow tightened her ponytail, glancing at the longer berserk strands of her colored mane. They waved in a rolling ocean of reflected light from the glow of the arcade machines and strobe lights staring down at her. “Y-y-yeah,” Dash chuckled. “Same here. And hey, as much of a fantasy being used that way might be for me, I don’t want to be loose for the rest of my life.”

Rarity sighed tiredly, unable to hide a smirk from appearing on the corner of her muzzle. “Has anyone ever told you how much of a pervert you are? And how cute you are stuttering like that? It would be like Applejack stuttering.”

“No comment on the stuttering, but Nathan Fillyon, Ben Neighflek, Robert Downhay Jr., Leonardo Dicoltpio, and Matt Whinnymon all appear at your front door. Would you say no to letting them take turns with you?”

Rainbow smirked as Rarity's expression turned into her infamous, Twilight like stare of scorn. Her smiling only grew as Rarity's expression remained unchanged. “I don’t hear you saying no. I wouldn’t say no.”

“Choose a bloody song,” Rarity mumbled. She faintly grinned despite her pathetic attempt not to.

"Told you," Rainbow snorted. "I'll count that as two and a half wins for me tonight."

“I choose you, Rainbow!" Pinkie cried from the crowd, cupping a forehoof to her muzzle. "You can kick Rarity's butt. I've got twenty bits on you, so you better not lose. Peer pressure, peer pressure, ra, ra, ra!”

“Thirty on Rarity!” Fluttershy called.

The house is now accepting bets on this match. Vote quickly, as you have only two minutes to decide!

"Let's just get this over with," Rarity grumbled. "The sooner we do this, the sooner we can move on from tonight and void ourselves of everything in the morning and tomorrow afternoon."

Rainbow nodded gently, tapping her forehoof rapidly over the arrow keys. “We’ll do expert. Insane is too technical, and we want to give them a show, right?"

"Agreed, and we might as well, considering I am not leaping at seeing Fluttershy's angry side anytime soon. I've seen it once before, and that was one time too many."

"Boy can she get pissy when she snaps. Dragonforce?”"

“I’ll kill you if you choose that,” Rarity sneered. “It's an advantage to you, considering you listen to that racket. Don’t tell me you cheat after the Running of the Leaves?”

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "'Racket'? Are you seventy now?"

"Oh shut up."

"Love ya too, Rares, and I only cheat at taking pot shots at Applejack's butt." Rainbow giggled quietly. "She's a hot sister to me, but I don't wanna do her unless the world is ending. I have to make sure she's up for breeding before she gets hitched though. It's my job as her... uhh... sister... friend... thing."

“Your ethical standards are questionable when we aren't in peril.”

“PSY?” Rainbow asked.

Rarity bit her bottom lip, her face turning a glowing pink as she flicked her tail behind herself, uncoiling the last remaining curls. "I... erm... may have been caught dancing to that and singing it at the top of my lungs earlier today with Fluttershy."

"You... you're serious? Hah! Nice."

"Celestia, I want to punch you in the muzzle right now."

"So... we’re not doing country.”

Heavens no.”


“Too heavy.”


“Another time.”

“Drum and Bass! It’s natural for a club and D.D.R anyways.” Dash tilted her head toward Rarity, flicking her tail. “Anything wrong with that?”

"Well other than that you apparently dated a mare who specializes in that field, so it is very likely that you listen to it too, no?"

Rainbow turned toward Rarity, rolling her eyes. "It's freakin D.D.R. Drum and Bass and Pop is like... the core of what it is."

Rarity licked her lips. “Fine, mare, I will give you an unfair advantage, you little wrench."

"Woah woah, I only just got into Pendulum and I've never danced to it."

"If it’s too heavy, I’m still killing you.”

“Ouch." Rainbow Dash pouted softly, folding her ears. "Can I at least clop to Soarin’ before I die?"

"No," Rarity said, rolling her shoulders. "The last thing I want to smell is your musk right now. I-"

“Rarity, relax. Focus your chi.”

Rarity's forehoof hung in the air at Rainbow's words. She slowly tilted her snout to the side. The calmness of Rainbow's voice, the serene care of it, caught her off guard. “What-”

“Focus, your chi. I do martial arts, and you do yoga, but we both use chi. Sure, we’re kinda drunk, and high, but we can do this. Focus, your chi.”

Rainbow's lungs and stomach moved up and down as she let out a smooth exhale of air from her mouth. The feathers on her wings gently spread open. “Take that ether we have inside of us and bring it to your hooves. Let your horn channel it, and relax. Focus. Block out everything else. Who cares if Pinkie and Fluttershy are screaming at us, or ponies are checking us out. Focus. Have fun. If they want to see us move, they’ll see us like nopony has ever seen us before. We can do this.”

Rarity silently nodded, extending her stance as she pulled air into her lungs. She felt the well known trickle of sweet mana spin down her horn, spine, and tickle through her body. Her icy eyes glowed brightly, reflecting back the timer on the screen in front of her counting down the seconds. Her eyes glanced at the pinkish red suns of Rainbow’s who caught her own at the same time.

They both nodded in silent agreement.

They were in their own trance and world. Their grudges had melted away, the alcohol wiggling and dueling with the magic inside of their souls and bodies. The earthquake that was the crowd melted away, becoming a faint, barely heard hum in their ears.

The clock counted down.




The first drop of sound pulled them into the harmony of the music, and the singing made their old world melt away. With each gentle tap of the piano their hooves stepped on the arrows underneath, perfectly timing the introduction. As they moved they eyed each other quickly, the lyrics twirling in their ears and reflecting off of Rarity's and Rainbow's eyes. They smiled at each other.

Was Applejack right about Rarity? Rainbow thought. Would Rarity balance out my fear of failure? Of not being good enough? Of opening up my heart?

Was Twilight right about Rainbow? Rarity thought. Would Rainbow show me how to enjoy the unplanned and unknown? Of letting loose and living freely?

Rainbow would fight till her last breathe for anypony in peril: How protective would she be of a lover who held her heart? Rarity could imagine.

Rarity gave up being a millionaire and fame to stay with her friends and keep her creative integrity: What beautiful pattern would she sew if someone captured her heart and nurtured her woes? Rainbow could imagine.

Through the catacombs of Tartarus, Rarity knew Rainbow would give it all to pull a friend from the brink of despair.

Through the blinding light and fear of a friends' self doubt, Rainbow knew Rarity would tell them and show them how beauty they were.

The beat picked up, and their hooves spread and shifted on each press, their eyes focused on the glowing arrows on their screens. The cheering of the crowd was dull. It was taken and shoved away. There was only one thing that was important. One thing that resonated.


The pounding bass and synthesizer was matched step in step with four pairs of hooves blurring together, striking the pads underneath them with electric passion. The held vocal note and furious beat was challenged by the hoovesteps of the heavenly sky and misty pearl colored mares scoring hit after hit of trained precision. Chromatic and royal purple manes shook and danced as one, lost to the heart throbbing and soul channeling pulse.

Dash and Rarity glanced at each other once more, content to look at the determined peace on each other’s muzzles. They couldn’t help but feel a smile crack at the corners of their lips, and they kept that secret only to themselves.

The moment the note was released, Rarity and Rainbow did an instinctive twirl with a small jump into the air, knowing that they were in tune with a song they didn’t know, and yet their hearts knew it all along.

They were two different mares from two different walks of life and backgrounds colliding as a physical force of dexterity and body showing spirit. They just let themselves go. Their essences were put on display by the explosion of their flowing bodies throwing themselves about to the music. The smiles on Rainbow's and Rarity's muzzles grew with every passing second, and they let themselves go to the music. Life and everything else wasn’t important right now.

They were.

The clarion call note called to them yet again, and they matched its song with the battle chant of their legs, the brightly colored lights and dots in front of them breaking away to every streak of their targeted impact.

They couldn’t hear it, but the shouting from the mob was deafening; all of the energy radiating from Rainbow's and Rarity's bodies cascading over everypony near them. It was infectious. It was encapsulating. It was divine.

And all they did was dance.

Their tails and frames swayed to the movement of the crowd and the sound vibrating around them, and all they wanted to do was smile and soar. And so they did.

They fed that fire.

Their movements became more improvised, disregarding all of that last bit of rigidity inside of them, their contest, and even their perfect scores. It wasn’t important anymore, not even to the ponies around them, compared to the way the Rarity and Rainbow's hooves moved. They fed the drive to let each other loose and fly free.

The glancing they did at each other grew with each passing second, echoed by the clopping of their hooves. Their expressions softened, the alcohol warming their cheeks in addition to the sweat dripping down their swaying manes and necks. They were with each other as they danced together. One body, one force, one journey to a momentary utopia. Two mares, so different, were so alike at this moment in time.

Rainbow Dash held out a forehoof as the symbols thrummed their exit. Will you come with me, Rarity? her mind called.

Rarity responded by pressing into the forehoof, twirling herself and Rainbow around by the momentum. She rolled over Rainbow until they both were at their rival's pad. I will, Rainbow Dash.

Booming silence filled the lack of the bass during the songs calm, their hooves prodding the slow arrows trundling in front of them. It was a mystical vibration of music that mellowed them out as reddish pink and water blue eyes looked at each other, peering at each other’s hearts. There was so much there, so much unknown, so much to be learned.

But could they do it? It was an impossible mountain. A laughing concept only minutes ago. Could they duel their competing lives and live with it? So much conflict, so much-

“Give it a try,” Rainbow whispered under her breath.

“Give it a try,” Rarity whispered back.

Let me show you what it’s like to live in the moment, and just let go, Rarity.

Let me show you what it’s like to love yourself, and show that love you’re afraid to show others, Rainbow.

There’s nothing to hide.

There’s nothing to hide.

Their hooves stomped together, twirling through keystrokes and the build up with clockwork timing, dancing the notes of their partners.

Will you come with me, Rainbow? Rarity smiled lovingly at her.

Through Hades and back, Rarity. Let’s dance.

They crouched and leaped into the air together, twirling over each other to land back on their own machines. Their hooves locked into place, melding into the music as if they were born to dance to it. Two manes and tails flailed with their bodies in motion, teasingly giving a tickling rub of the tips of their blue and white coats as they thrummed as one spirit. Their vision was a casual glance at their screens, for it was more important to look into the depths of each other’s eyes and laughing smiles. They were in this playful duel of hooves together, and despite what had happened earlier that day, the duel was about to become a more interesting battle soon after.

And it might turn into something greater.

It would.

The music ended not just to the faint ringing in Rarity's and Rainbow's ears, nor the panting huffs of their lungs and throbbing hearts coming to terms with what they had just did; it ended to the complete silence of the entire arena around them.

It was completely quiet in Invictus, for the first time in history.

Rarity and Rainbow looked at each other. They looked at their wheezing, sweat drenched, tongue hanging forms.

And all they could do was chuckle in amusement.

“That... was different,” Rarity gasped. “Did... did we just do that? I think we did.”

“We absolutely... just did.” Rainbow wheezed, her stance widening to allow her frame to support her body. “And you won too, and I tried my best.”

“And I did too, I... what?”

Rarity's eyes glanced at the score.

She had won by merely a hundred points out of nearly half a million. “I... won.”

“Yeah, I just said that," Rainbow chuckled. "So you get a prize. What’ll it be? I’m your model for a day? I’m forced to try brussel sprouts? Go to an opera?”

Rarity shook her wet mane, glancing at the shoulder hanging hair as she pushed it out of her eyes. “Very possible, no, and that would be funny.” The smile on her muzzle grew. “Ah ha, I know exactly what I’m going to ask for.”

“Oh great,” Dash snorted playfully, “what’ll-”

Rarity's muzzle pressed into the blue one beside it. She tilted her snout to the side to press a kiss into Rainbow's lips. Her right forehoof hugged around Dash's shoulder, stroking through the thick bundles of Rainbow's mane as she suckled onto her lips.

Dash’s frame and posture melted as her hair was stroked.

She kissed back.

Her left wing extended to stroke across Rarity's cutie mark, scratching across her coat before flicking across her purple damp mane.

Their muzzles rubbed teasingly together, lips parting to nip and let the faint crackles of their kissing echo in their ears. It wasn’t the powerhouse that the kiss leading to the dance off was: It was a sensual, tongue tasting test. And by the way their tails flicked and stroked through each other, it was wonderful.

Invictus, as one, called out in a scream of raw joy.

Rarity broke the kiss slowly, letting the small slits of her eyes look into the glowing radiance of Rainbow's. “That, was my prize. And it made up for every, single, little thing that went wrong today.”

Rainbow didn’t care that her face was on fire; that she smelled of sweat around Rarity; that she was faintly panting from the massage of Rarity's tongue dancing a duet with her own.

All she cared about was the present. Her past problems were in the past. Maybe they would stay that way.

“Well... I gotta admit,” Rainbow whispered, her eyes glowing playfully, “that it wasn’t quite bad as brussel sprouts. I’d put it up there with baked beans. I love beans though.”

“Oh you silly mare,” Rarity giggled, licking the tip of Rainbow's nose, “I don’t think you know how cute you are in your own Rainbowish, sarcastic ways. But there is a second, bonus prize I might receive from you if I may claim it; although if I won that round is completely up to you. Mayhap it involve a bit of... 'bouncing?'”

“Yeah, I think you won the bonus prize, and even the secret door too.” Rainbow rumbled as she nipped on Rarity’s nose in return, resulting in a squeal of mock protest from Rarity's muzzle. "And you say I'm cute? This isn't the alcohol talking, but if you're like this when you cuddle, you're gonna make me die a bit on the inside."

"And I'm sure you have plenty of little things about you that involve squeaking and other adorable little antics that you have hid away over the years as well," Rarity said.

Rainbow pecked her gently on the lips. "Hush."

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were in hysterics, the hundreds of ponies around them stomping in unison at the romantic display on stage.

“I’m such a sap for romance,” Pinkie wailed, tears pouring down her cheeks as she hugged Fluttershy as if she would never hug her again. “I can’t take this, Fluttershy. I’m going to cry forever!”

“Me too,” Fluttershy sobbed, wrapping a wing around Pinkie as they cried in unison. “It’s so... so beautiful.”

You’re beautiful,” Pinkie countered, letting out a mucus repressing snort. “You... you deny it, I’ll kill you, like Rarity said. I’ll kill you dead!”

You’re killer,” Fluttershy sniffled, lapping at her friend’s tears. “You pudgy, soft, squishy poodle you. Stay here. Mama loves you. Don’t go anywhere.” She cooed affectionately into Pinkie Pie's ears.

“Don’t mention going or coming anywhere. You... you!”

“Shh,” Fluttershy whispered, licking Pinkie's forehead. “Let’s go to a private room upstairs, okay? You’ve been a good girl, and you need to be pet.”

“P-P-please pet me,” Pinkie whimpered. “I like being pet. I’m a good doggie Pinkie. Just... don’t pet my cotton candy. Or... do. I can’t decide!”

“Shh. I’ll decide, and you’ll get lots of kissie wissies, too.” Fluttershy nipped on Pinkie's nose, a flood of giggles pouring from Pinkie’s mouth. “Now Rarity did reserve up to five rooms, so how about we take one?”

“I’ll need at least three to play around with,” Pinkie pouted. "A doggie pony needs their running room."

“Sometimes a doggie needs to know what she can and can’t have,” Fluttershy said. “You’ll have to deal with one, but mama will treat you right.”

Pinkie nodded, thudding her tail on the ground obediently. “Y-y-yes, master!”

Rarity leaned into Rainbow as they walked from their game pad to the private suites of the club, the hollers of approval from the hundreds of ponies around them echoing in their ears. Fatigue was suckling them dry. Their eyes were bloodshot, and their legs could barely move or hold up their own weight. The long and arduous day was finally coming to an end.

They pushed open the door to their room, glancing at each other as small feral nickers of lustful desire escaped from their muzzles in a silent, playful tease. Despite the alcohol settling in their stomachs and the fatigue pulling them toward slumber, sleep could wait.

Rainbow tilted her muzzle to lick at Rarity's lower lip teasingly, her nostrils gently flaring. Her magenta eyes were small, glowing slits of teasing arousal, her tail smacking into the door frame, unable to hide her desire.

"Oh you bloody flirting bitch," Rarity growled as she shoved the door open, pushing Rainbow into the room. All that was heard was Rainbow's loud squeak as her attempts to be dominant and charming were thwarted by the high pitched chirp escaping from her lips.

Pinkie and Fluttershy pressed into one another, hiccuping, giggling, and talking incoherently as they nosed themselves into the room two doors down from their two friends. Rarity and Rainbow were very clearly going to have loud sex, and hearing them moan in ecstasy wasn’t high on the life goals of either Fluttershy's or Pinkie's. They had both already heard Rainbow Dash several dozen times, and she had quite the pair of lungs on her.

Alcohol did a wonderful amount of things to the body of a pony, or any living creature for that matter. It was the third most consumed drink in the world, and for rightful reasons. It had its place in history as a savior during famine. It helped move society along, and it was a thriving industry all on its own.

It also made Pinkie and Fluttershy unable to coherently hear, nor care, about the two occupants in the room they entered. Sliding, bumping, and teasing each other with little kisses, they pushed themselves inside, shut the door, and simply let the world pass them by.

They had entered the room Twilight and Applejack had teleported in.

Chapter Nineteen: Yo Dragon, I Herd You Like Letters

View Online

Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were lucky that their parents knew they were camping out that Sunday night, and that for some reason, despite how much destruction they had caused in their short lives, were trusted enough to sleep together.

How everyone was wrong with giving them that right.

It was nearly noon by the time Spike had decided that waking up would be a relatively decent activity. Relatively decent being the key phrase. His head felt like a flashbang had just been thrown an inch from his muzzle, and all he could taste was the color of agony.

As stupidly cool as it was to ponder the universe and his incredible ability to be sexy - and make Rarity wet herself at night at the sheer thought of him posing at her door - all he could think about right now was squeezing the supple, soft, warm flesh that was in his claws. While he more than enough remembered the incredible planning he did last night - or so he thought he did - that clarity of complete, undeniable badflankness had retreated into the corners of his mind once more. Only Rainbow Dash was currently allowed to suckle on that nectar. It ticked him off to no end.

At least he had the squishy flesh in his hands.

That powerful and yet sweet coat melting in his grip would take away the misty blindness that clouded his brain. It would make the stomach pain from eating too much junk food go away for just one moment. It would make him not feel like pinning down Rarity, lifting up her twirling and sunset shimmering purple tail, and show her that once you ride a dragon, you'll want no other wagon. That wonderful fur that was pulled apart in his claws was a moderately decent substitute for his one and only love, or the warmness of his sister's kindness, the swag of Rainbow, and dare he admit it, the comfort of a book.

It might also get rid of the part of him he didn't want exposed between his legs, exposed to an underage group of preteens. He'd play with himself later.

At least he had his peace, or as much peace as he could have baring giving Rarity a layer of dragon salt.

The incredibly loud and vile hellfire of flatulence that resulted from his squeezing of Apple Bloom's sides too many times broke that foggy fantasy. It was also a decontamination chamber for all four occupants in the fort.

Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders shot up from their slumbers, screaming in confused horror.

Where were they? Who were they? What happened last night? Why did their groins hurt? Why did they feel like puking? Why did they smell like crotch? Where did the night and morning go? Who was Carmen Sandiego?

"I need a bush!" Apple Bloom yelled, unable to detect the irony of the statement.

"I need to puke!" Spike gagged.

"I need to pee!" Sweetie Belle whined.

"I need to wash my mouth off!" Scootaloo heaved.

They screamed together once more, running out of the fort in childish panic to purge their bodies of the ills that plagued them. If only for a few minutes. It was quite hard to push out that much food and illicit chemicals from a body so quickly.

They would give it a damn good try.

"And that's... well... what a penis really is, and what vaginas really are," Spike said. He barked out a sudden laugh. "I can't believe I just talked about this with you three. Well... too late now."

After twenty minutes of composing themselves through bodily purging, and another twenty minutes of Spike giving an excellent example of why he was no longer a baby Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were as normal as they could be wasted off of the THC overload they received last night. They were all contemplating sobbing at the otherworldly experiences going through their heads.

At least three of them were fluffy. Fluffy was nice. It kept the gnomes away. That was important.

Spike sat on his back, chewing on some wild berries as he looked at the three snuggling foals. Or should he even call them foals anymore?

He would. Their maturity level was far from being adult like.

Then again, his sister and her friends could be awfully immature for mares who had just hit their early twenties.

Scootaloo was curled up into a nearly perfect ball of burgundy fur and moderate purple hair, resting her muzzle on her own tail as her friends half laid on top of her. Sweetie Belle rested on her side, hanging her forehooves over Scootaloo's frame while her snout rested on Scootaloo's frank. Apple Bloom had decided to rest her tail on top of Scootaloo’s and curl around her, laying her muzzle on Scootaloo's upper back. They all needed the bodily support of one another in a manner different than what they had done last night.

“So… that’s why ponies can like and play with each other, even if they’re mares or colts?” Sweetie Belle scratched her horn idly, wincing at the sudden stimulation. “Oww… my horn. Somepony tell me to stop poking at it.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t put two and two together,” Spike continued, “but I thought of it just as a way ponies and animals to have kids. Not… for pleasure.” He let out a shy chuckle, unable to hide the blush that was creeping its way across his cheeks. “As for ponies dating their own gender, I just... I don't know! I guess I never thought of it that way. I just thought of it as love, I guess. It wasn’t until yesterday that I caught Fluttershy and Rarity kissing that-”

He blinked several times at his slip of the tongue. “Uhh... opps.”

"Man, everypony is kissing everypony these days," Scootaloo snorted.

“My sister was kissing Fluttershy?” Sweetie Belle gasped, “that makes so much sense that they are marefriends! They go to the spa together, and gossip, and are with each other all the time. It-”

“They aren’t dating,” Spike said, waving a hand at the statement. “They just… got a bit excited from something. I don’t know... 'what', exactly, but when I came in on them to say the four of us were having a sleepover, there they were. Just... on the floor. Kissing. I had to break them up from a fight they got into afterwards, and they realized it just wasn’t going to work like that.”

Scootaloo shook her head. “Man, do ponies go that nuts just to get laid? I thought what we did last night was extreme. I don’t even want to think about what they’ve done and haven’t told us about. I mean... it was fun and all, but you’d think they would've grown up or something. They're adults, not kids. Sheesh.” She blinked rapidly at the words settling in the air. "I... can't believe I just said that."

“I mean... really?" Apple Bloom said, "we’re just curious ‘n all, and we didn't quite get those books until you explained it, Spike, but gee willikers, if our sisters go crazy like that, who are they to tell us we went too far?” Apple Bloom blew out a small huff of air from the end of her nose. “I’m sure they've done somethin’ weird ‘n crazy too. If not a billion, zillion times! And they call us ‘immature’. Just a bunch of bigots if ya ask me.”

“Let’s not think about what our sisters did last night,” Sweetie Belle moaned tiredly, rubbing her nose into Scootaloo’s leg. “Or what we did. I don’t think I say this much, but I think that was an experiment we aren't trying again. I’m not even sure if I’m seeing colors or smells. It was amazing, but... not worth what my head feels like.”

“If you put your nose a hoof lower, Sweetie Belle, I don’t know what I’m going to do to you,” Scootaloo rumbled, glaring at Sweetie Belle. “All I remember is you put your horn there in the middle of the night when we all woke up, and it feels like gravity is hating me down there right now.”

Apple Bloom’s cheeks quickly turned red. “A-a-about that... Maybe we should keep this a secret. A real secret. A Pinkie Pie Promise Cutie Mark Death Pact secret. Not the knowin’ about sex part, cause that’s a bargainin’ chip we can use, but that… uhh…”

Sweetie Belle crossed a forehoof over her chest. "You don't have to say that twice, Apple Bloom. Death Pact of Baal sealed."

"Sealed," Scootaloo swore, crossing her own chest.

Spike smirked. “Four of them already know."

The Crusaders shot up onto their legs, quivering in fear at the realization they were required to support weight they weren’t keen on supporting.

And their sisters and their friends knowing about their most personal of secrets. That was bad too.

“My sister’s gonna put me in a chain gang!” Apple Bloom cried. “And she’ll make me sing baritone labor songs. I can’t sing baritone.”

“Rarity will make me watch marathons of Flip This House until I’m a real estate agent,” Sweetie Belle whimpered. “Do you have any idea how boring it is to listen about kitchens for hours? And that’s coming from a future cook!”

“And Rainbow will-” Scootaloo paused, her quaking hooves standing firm as she pondered, looking at the ground in reflection. “Will… I have no idea what she’ll do. Most likely she’ll just explain everything again and tell me to be safe, that I’m really young, and that if I have any questions I should come to her. She tends to be pretty chill in extreme moments like that.”

“That doesn’t help us!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom said.

“Well it helps me,” Scootaloo countered, sticking out her tongue.

“I mean,” Spike chuckled, “that they thought you would have sex. Rarity and Fluttershy told me to stop you and get the anatomy books, but you already took them. Twilight and Dash gave me what I threw in here to knock you all out. Well… us, since it worked on me too. I think I’ll make a note not to use that again.”

Sweetie Belle stepped forward, staring into Spike's eyes. “Speaking of that: What was that? Now we’re all tipsy, and it made us see things that exist but we didn't know about, like underpants gnomes.”

“What’s underpants?” Scootaloo asked, scratching the back of her head with a wing. “M-m-maybe I don’t wanna know, since that just makes my crotch itch more. Oww.”

Apple Bloom scratched her bow. “And what’s a gnome? Ohh! Remember that thing with the beard tellin’ us to go to Brayzil, and we could get an airship flight for a really good price? Now I remember. That’s a gnome.”

All three of the Crusaders nodded in agreement.

Spike dragged his talons across his skull to numb the throbbing in his head. “It’s something used to knock ponies out if they are being really wild; I just used too much of it, and oh man, I think the only reason I’m not seeing Rarity everywhere is because I’m a dragon, so naturally I’m pretty much immune to everything.”

“Spike,” Sweetie Belle began, resting a forehoof on his chest, “we get it. You have a crush on my sister. Everypony knows that you do. Even we know. We knew years ago.”

Spike's snout turned crimson. “N-n-no I-”

“You wanna tie her up on a fence ‘n play fiddle with her foal maker,” Apple Bloom grinned, taking a step forward toward Spike.

He sat up, clawing at the fort floor in panic. “Where did you-”

“You wanna find creative uses for premium Pegasus ice on her!” Scootaloo cackled, stalking toward Spike.

“I don’t-”

“You want to put her in a corset and have her dance on stage like a can-can girl!” Sweetie Belle tittered.

The Crusaders had surrounded Spike, pincering him in at all sides. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, sweat pouring down his scales as his eyes darted to everything around him, anything to take his attention away from them.

The pressure was too much for him.

“Fine!” Spike spat, staring down Sweetie Belle. “I want to have sex with your sister, Sweetie Belle. You have a problem with that!?”

Sweetie Belle's ears withered under the assault. “I d-don’t want to think about it,” she said.

Spike inhaled and exhaled from the depths of his stomach, smoke swirling in the air above him. “Look,” he said flatly, “you three are nice and all, and are really fun to hang around, but I was sent here to stop you, and because I wanted to get out of the library. I didn’t think I’d be dragged into this, and you all had fun while I just got the food. Not that… the food was bad or anything.”

He closed his eyes. The last thing he needed to do was murder three foals at his recently awoken loins demanding Rarity's mouth on him at all times. “So here’s the deal: Sure, we all learned a lot yesterday, but it’s going to bite our butts in the future. Let’s just chill, and we’ll pretend you all didn’t… do anything illegal. We’ll all be friends, and-”

“S-s-sex can’t be illegal,” Scootaloo said. “Because-”

“Do I look like a lawyer to you?” Spike said. “Rainbow and Twilight said what you three did was illegal, and I’m not going to argue with Twilight about the law.”

Scootaloo scoffed at the ground. “Don’t have to be a friggin prick about it, Spike. Sheesh.”

I’m the only one here who didn’t get laid,” Spike huffed, “and it’s not like I’d do it with you three.”

Hey!” the Crusaders said together.

"You're just jealous because I've got a horn and it didn't go inside you!" Sweetie Belle snapped. "Yeah, take that, Spike."

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow at Sweetie Belle. "Umm... he doesn't have what we got. And you can't cast spells yet anyways."

"But he's got a butthole!" Scootaloo's wings buzzed excitedly. "I've heard Rainbow talk about it when I stalk her. You can totally put things up there. I haven't tried it, cause... uhh... reasons. I'm scared, okay?"

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom gagged. "Gross."

"Is not gross!" Scootaloo growled quietly.

"Poop comes from there," Apple Bloom said.

"Ever since sexual diseases were cured by Sterile Santorum in 345 A.D, that shouldn't be a problem." Spike smirked, crossing his arms across his chest. "More so with modern pony hygiene."

All three of the Crusaders blinked their eyes in unison, processing the information that was given to them. "What are you, an encyclopedia?"

Spike shrugged his shoulders. "I am Twilight's younger brother, and you three still can't play with each other. It's illegal, remember?"

Scootaloo's wings flickered rapidly in anger as she pressed her nose into Spike’s. “You ate our food and knocked us out without even asking,” she growled. “That has to be illegal. Food stealing, and… and... assault!”

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom said.

“I’m not going to argue with you,” he growled, “because if I do my head is going to hurt even more, and the last thing I want to do is have to explain to Applejack and Rarity why you all are well done ponies because I set you on fire by mistake.”

The Crusaders rubbed their muzzles at the mention of head pain, letting out a collective whimper not meant for mortal ears. It was too cute.

Thankfully, Spike was borderline immortal, so he was borderline immune to the cuteness.

He sighed loudly. "Look, you three are going to go home, we’re not going to bring this up again, and I’ll explain to Applejack that you’re just really tired after all that fun, Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom mumbled vulgarities she had heard from Applejack. Applejack would've been proud. Secretly. “Fine. But I have a feelin’ yer're plannin’ somethin’ and I don’t like it. We can blackmail you too, you know.”

“He has to be planning something.” Scootaloo huffed at Spike. “If he was petting me like I’m his cat last night he was totally trying to soften me up."

"And it worked," Apple Bloom giggled.

"Shut up, Apple Bloom," Scootaloo grumbled. She shuffled in place, her friends looking at her as she wiggled nervously. A large blush formed across her muzzle. "Not that I… want you to stop doing that, Spike.”

“You are so weird, Scootaloo,” Sweetie Belle said, shaking her muzzle. “And that’s coming from me.”

Spike smiled quietly as his talons reached out to scratch through Scootaloo's mane and neck, chuckling to himself as she nuzzled into his hand.

"I... I don't even know what's goin' on anymore," Apple Bloom sighed loudly. "We're as messed up as our sisters and their friends."

Spike grinned evilly.

There was an advantage to being two years older than the Crusaders and the younger brother of a genius strategist. Twilight’s lectures on classical military tactics were interesting to him. Oh so interesting. What was wrong with manipulating the Cutie Mark Crusaders for his own gain? He just had to think about how he would abuse it.

She would be secretly proud of him.

“Just a future favor, when I think of it,” he said. “Beside's, Twilight and Rainbow gave me permission to eat your food. You know, revenge stealing, since you stole her books."

Scootaloo clicked her tongue between her teeth. "Wow. Even Twilight's kinda mean."

"We did steal Pinkie's candy," Sweetie Belle said, scoffing at the floor. "And... umm... blackmailed her first."

Apple Bloom bit her bottom lip. "I... forgot about that. And ya can't sell opened candy."

"Fine," Scootaloo sighed, "we're mean too."

Spike wrapped his arms around the Cutie Mark Crusaders, pulling them into a gentle hug. "So how about we try to forget about last night, and try to focus on today? Because the less I think about yesterday, the better. But before we plan our cover up I think I need about fifteen minutes behind a tree a mile from here.”

“What for?” Sweetie Belle asked, tilting her snout to the side. “Scratching post?”

“That’s Cataloo’s job,” Apple Bloom giggled.

Scootaloo hissed at Apple Bloom. “You’re the one who exploded from your butthole, Applebelch.”

“What does that have to do with cats?” Sweetie Belle blinked.

Spike was about to ponder how even the potent cannabis of Fluttershy’s highest grade weed couldn’t keep the Crusaders down for long - and what Rarity humping thoughts would occupy him a mile away from the fort - before he felt the rumbling of an incoming letter in his gut.

He wasn't looking forward to this. It cut into his masturbation time.

He quickly opened the scroll, his eyes scanning over the words, until he felt the very core of his soul holler in despair.

His life, was now ruined.

Ultra ruined.

"Spike?" Apple Bloom asked softly. "Are... are you okay? You're legs are shakin', and you look... pale."

Quickly he reread the message a second time. A third. A fourth.

His lips quivered, then pouted, and then, Spike screamed.

He didn't scream his classical shout of death defying no.

He screamed a four letter word that wasn't the ponyfied, although still moderately firm curse. He screamed it in its all powerful, all unedited glory. At the very top of his lungs.

Chapter Twenty: Fluttering Sparkling Apple Pies

View Online


Applejack and Pinkie Pie were used to this incredibly normal event, and Invictus had again returned to a high end pub once the Monday morning had begun anew. Applejack prided herself on her instinct to wake up during the early rising of the morning sun, and Pinkie herself wasn't far behind.

They had both decided to cut themselves a bit of slack for not being up early at all, and they weren't in a caring mood about either the sun or waking up in general.

Both of them had simply let their manes go; Applejack was content to let her wild wheat colored mane roll down her shoulders and back in a disheveled mess, and the gel in Pinkie’s hair had dried up and turned it into a catacomb of spires, bubbly blobs, and a mash of every hairstyle she had ever had. Neither of them were currently concerned about how they looked to the public.

A large pot of coffee brewed at the center of their table. They barely glanced at the growing flow of ponies seeking early morning pub food. Applejack was content to drink her third cup of coffee to counter the slowness of her mind, attempting to forget about the day before. She was thankful she didn’t drink too much alcohol that night, and that Earth pony biology granted an excellent boost to nearly all of her internal organs, including her kidneys.

She had smoked far more than she had in perhaps all of her past engagements combined. Perhaps ‘royal’ weed was not supposed to have side effects, but maybe in her dosage, it just did.

Normally she’d consider herself just a bit cranky after a long night of partying, beer, and a bit of cannabis. A mild hangover and blurry pot blues made her only slightly agitated. Currently she was a bit more inclined to give an annoying pony a good bit of country vulgarities instead of a discontent grunt.

But there was a massive problem that made her even more annoyed, and it made her far more along the lines of pissed.

“I can’t freakin’ believe I didn’t get any last night,” she growled. “My modesty was nice an’ all last night, but son of a bitch this mornin’ stinks more than a donkey with dysentery. I'm pent up, strung up, horny, hungover, tired, an' just... pissed!”

“Tell me about it,” Pinkie rumbled in fatigue, her muzzle resting on the table top. Mixing far too many different kinds of alcohol for her own good, and her own repressed sexual urges remaining unfulfilled, had made the famously bouncy mare a tired and potentially ticking firebomb of emotions. Her hangover was one of the worst that she had ever had in her entire life, and nopony, not even her, felt like dancing and bursting out into a musical number with the thrumming in her head and her eyes not enjoying being functional eyes.

“I mean... it just isn’t fair," Pinkie whimpered, peeking up at Applejack. She rested her muzzle on her arms, her eyes bloodshot. "Why do we have to be the ones who don’t need a lot of sleep? I want to sleep so I can stop the voices in my head and not have to think about my... crotch."

Applejack nodded her head. "Amen, sister."

"Celestia, I smoked too much last night.” Pinkie whined like a neglected dog, dragging her muzzle across the wooden table. "Way, way, way too much. And drank too much. Can't forget about that. Woo..."

“Yeah, I’m swearin’ off the dope and stickin’ to alcohol,” Applejack grumbled, gulping down her caffeine like water. She stared at her coffee as if it was solution to all of her woes. Currently, it was. “Though I’ll pass on that for several years too. Or... maybe a month. Or until Rainbow makes me want to break her wings and make her eat them.”

Pinkie’s eyes drifted upward to look at Applejack's. She blinked for several moments to digest the sentence that hung in the air. “That’s… that’s kinda mean. Like... seriously, you should never say that kinda mean. There’s you meanness, and then Rainbow meanness, and then Twilight-thinks-you-should-stop-talking meanness, and then not funny meanness. Kinda the last, Applejack.”

“I don’t give a buck right now,” Applejack groaned, rubbing her forehead. "I'm tired 'n-"

"Well you should," Pinkie snapped, slamming her forehoof onto the table. "It's not funny. At all."

Applejack's ears wilted. "I... ya know I'd never do it. I just… I just need my crop rotated, damn it, and Twi’ just… just had to teleport and knock herself out. She could've had me carry her, and we could've done somethin' light."

She snorted. "I... I can't believe I'm mad at her for not gettin' me off. I sound... stupid. I'm sorry, Pinkie."

"It's okay, Applejack." Pinkie sighed deeply. "Look at me. It's not like I'm not turning into you. Or Rainbow. Or Rarity. Or Twilight."

"What's... that supposed to mean?"

"Getting rid of my anger problems through yelling randomly instead of talking about them." She smiled softly. "I've never done it before, but maybe hungover and horny me does that."

Applejack exhaled sharply through her nose, letting the pressured air escape from her lungs. “I’m just... ticked. Ticked more than I can remember. Epona be thankful I just don’t got the energy to beat it out of the next pony who tries to say somethin’ stupid. I-”

Her posture slouched as she stared above Pinkie's head, curling her thick golden tail haphazardly around her side. Free of the tail wrap to keep it in check, it hung limply around her. “I… I think I now know what Twilight feels like when somethin’ retarded happens.” Her olive eyes opened wide in sudden clarity. “For her to have this much stress on her? I… I can’t think of a single word to describe how she puts up with it. A-a-all I can say, is that she is stronger than all of us combined. She… she needs me.”

“Equestria to Applejack." Pinkie waved her hoof in front of Applejack's muzzle, watching her eyes snap into focus to look into Pinkie's own. "You are having Post Pot Philosophical Ponderings, and I have absolutely no idea how you got to what you are talking about. Now simma down now, relax, and let’s… let’s not try to think too hard?"

"Erm... me sayin' somethin' stupid, then how I look like an idiot from sayin' it, and how Twilight has to deal with us bein' fools by sayin' stupid things. Makes sense to me."

Pinkie blinked, sitting up more rigidly as she eyed Applejack. She opened her mouth to comment, but words failed her as her brain caught up with the present.

For the first time in ages she had absolutely no idea what a pony had talked about when the thoughts connecting the subject were slightly disjointed. Such thoughts were her specialty, and for a pony - Applejack of all of them - to leave her speechless and confused was a monument to her hangover and post high fatigue.

Pinkie Pie leaned forward to pour herself a cup of coffee. It was her own turn to rub at her temples, closing her eyes to keep the throbbing in her head down at failing to be herself.

"Pinkie, are ya alright?" Appejack said.

"No," she said flatly. "And that's why I'm going to drink this coffee, because I'm ashamed of myself for my ADHD failing me."

Applejack raised an eyebrow at her. “I thought you don’t drink coffee? Rarity and I are really the only drinkers.”

“I started five seconds ago,” Pinkie grumbled, suckling on the drink in a physics and biologically normal manner. “It’ll keep me from passing out, maybe make me get my trunk bouncing again, and it could make me think less about my hangover, or wanting to suddenly start crying."

"That's coffee for most ponies, Pinks, so don't ya worry about drinkin' it for those reasons." Pinkie choked at the bitter flavor in her muzzle, Applejack chuckling to herself as she poured her fourth cup of coffee. "Don't ya die on me now. We might need each other in case we both need to cry together. You'll get used to the taste."

"Why would a pony ever drink this?" Pinkie gagged, pulling down another sip. "Why am I even drinking this?"

"Caffeine. Well... us Earth ponies don't really need much to get going, but I push myself harder than most. Ya get used to likin' the flavor, but if I have to pull a Twilight I'm gonna admit it's that chemical that keeps us hooked to it. Once you start drinkin' it as much as I do, ya really can't stop unless ya have a cravin' to go nuts on a pony for the next few days if you don't have it."

Pinkie stared at the coffee she brought to her lips. The drink that tasted awful and apparently had addicting qualities. The drinks only advantages being its moderately decent scent and its ability to make ponies focus at the task at hoof.

She took another sip of coffee, sealing her future fate as a coffee consuming pony.

"So what do ya think the chances of Rarity reservin' up to five rooms right next to each other are?" Applejack said. "I think she did it on purpose. I know she wanted Twi' 'n Rainbow to have a room together, and I guess she wanted some extras for the rest of us, but for them all to be connected like that? Strange if you ask me."

Pinkie shrugged. “Meh, she most likely thought Twilight and Rainbow would get a room together, and then the four of us would want our own.” She shivered at the bitter taste in her mouth, taking another gulp of coffee. "I'm glad we had extra rooms though, because... heh... it would have been very messy if Fluttershy and Twilight weren't goners and we had to share a room. Although when I think about it, I'm not sure if it would have been a good or bad kind of messy if that had happened. I'd say both."

“You can say that again," Applejack laughed. "If I didn't nose ya 'n Fluttershy out of the room it would've turned into that."

Pinkie swallowed, averting her gaze in an attempt to divert attention to the blush going across her muzzle. “W-w-w-ell... uhh... we ‘bumped’ into the wrong room from being so drunk last night. We didn't mean to do anything naughty. Sorta. Maybe?"

A snide smirk appeared over the corners of Applejack’s lips. “That’s because I shooed you two off before ya decided to fondle Twi' 'n I. I didn’t want anypony to bother Twilight since she was knocked out cold, even if she would've most likely loved it. I want her to remember her first time. And well… I’m not exactly keen on seein’ or hearin’ two of my friends gettin’ at it.”

Pinkie dragged her snout across the table once more, her forehooves scratching and half swimming over its surface. "And that didn't happen, otherwise I wouldn't be so grouchy right now. So Fluttershy and me got into some hooving and grooving when we got in our rooms-"

"-since you two were drunkin' enough to just keep on goin'-"

"-and it looked like it was totally going to happen. And then Fluttershy... passed out. Kind of like Twilight did.”

"Lightweights." Applejack leaned forward, ruffling a hoof through Pinkie's already messy mane. "It ain't their or our fault, but it sucks no matter how you look at it."

“And when I woke up in the middle of the night, Fluttershy was gone from my room and in yours, and you were with me.”

Pinkie's eyes looked upward to look at Applejack’s, fear trickling over the corners of her blue orbs. “What were you doing in my room leaning into me in the middle of the night? A-a-applejack? Y-y-you didn't-”

Reagan’s rectum I would never do that to anypony!”

Applejack fell off of her chair, collapsing onto the floor with a groan as her snout received a sudden shock of a hard object to the back of her muzzle. Having a hard knock to the back of the muzzle wasn't high on the pleasure scale, and being hungover only made the blinding light and dizziness that followed worse. "Buckin' damn it, my head!"

Leaping over the table and barely preventing herself from slamming snout first into the ground, Pinkie stood over Applejack, rubbing a hoof through Applejack's chest. "Applejack!? Are you okay? I-"

"Please don't yell," Applejack groaned, her eyes closed in an attempt to stop the white dancing stars doing a jig in her eyes. “I just didn’t want ya to wake up alone, so I just laid beside you is all, Pinkie."

"Oh," Pinkie said, her forehoof idly scratching into Applejack's coat. "If that's the case, then thanks, Applejack. I really enjoyed that!"

"And can ya move yer forehoof up to my head and rub there? I have a feelin' ya have a magic touch like Rarity has."

Pinkie Pie shrugged her shoulders, her hoof moving upward toward Applejack's forehead. Slowly she pressed down, twirling the tip of her hoof in a circular pattern. "Better?"

Applejack shivered as if cold water had been thrown in her face. "Goodness, girl, that feels unbelievable. Please don't stop. I'm begging ya ta not stop."

Pinkie's eyes looked around at the ponies glancing at her. They thought nothing of her massaging Applejack's forehead, or the small moan that escaped from her muzzle at the headache cleansing massage Pinkie was giving her.

She felt slightly uncomfortable with the way Applejack was squirming in delight, despite being requested to do it. She didn't want to visualize squirming of any sort.

It got worse.

"Mmm... I had to escape the noises that Rainbow and Rarity were makin’ last night.” Applejack rumbled softly.

“You’re going to tell me about it, even though I don’t want to hear it.” Pinkie whimpered like a dog pleading for food, her ears folding by her muzzle.

“Eeeeyup,” Applejack smiled, curling her forehooves toward her chest. “I can’t be the only one who knows that they hit notes I didn’t even know their vocal chords could make."

"Dash can do that," Pinkie grumbled.

"I’m glad it was twenty minutes before they passed out, cause if it was five minutes more I would’ve broken down the wall and forced their snouts between my thighs until they choked.”


It all made sense to Pinkie now.

She looked down at Applejack, her blue eyes faintly glowing at the parting sunlight that passed through her mind much like what Applejack had felt earlier.

Turning her snout to the side, Applejack flicked an ear at Pinkie. "Uhh... Pinks? I guess to some carnivore or fruitbat I look mighty tasty with all of my muscles-"

“Muscles,” Pinkie said flatly. “Applejack: Will you have sex with me?”

Applejack's eyes rapidly blinked at the question directed at her, her mind blank despite the caffeine that was going through her body.

“Okay,” Pinkie said, waving a forehoof dismissively, “I know we would make the worst couple-”

“You and Rarity.”

Pinkie fell over onto her side at the reply, letting out a deep laugh several octaves lower and far more powerful than any Applejack had ever heard coming from her mouth. Tears poured down Pinkie’s cheeks as she rolled around on the ground in incoherent bliss.

Applejack snorted as she sat on her hindquarters, prodding Pinkie as she rolled about. It only made the trundle of tittering squeals that poured from Pinkie's muzzle louder. "That is kinda silly thinkin' about it, isn't it?"

"Oh goodness, the thought of me and Rarity together." Pinkie wiped away the tears that dripped down her snout. "Okay, maybe Rainbow and her will work. I just... give me a moment. I needed that."

"Take your time." Applejack ruffled a hoof messily through Pinkie's mane. "Ya helped me, and the least I can do is help ya."

“So what I was trying to say before you almost killed me through laughing, is that since we're both needing our cookies stuffed and we didn't get any last night, we should totally do each other. And then try not to think about it afterwards." Pinkie shrugged. "I'm kinda hungover and not really thinking right now, but I don't think much anyways!”

“I’m up for it.”

“So feel free to ignore me if I sound silly or even stupid, but I just think it’ll make us relax and maybe make us feel normal-say what!?

Pinkie’s voice cracked so hoarsely she swore she cut her vocal chords. Thankfully, they healed very quickly.

Despite a part of Applejack's mind screaming at her for even considering the possibility of having sex with Pinkie Pie baring a life or death situation, and even more so in her currently unstable state of mind, she shrugged. She shrugged both to herself and her ethical code. It was an anal bastard sometimes, and vice city was looking right in front of her. In all it's puffy and fluffy glory.

“I've got four cups of coffee in me," she began, leaning on the table. "I got myself a bouncin’ pink pony who is offerin’ a long, hard, fun time. I got pent up juices that need to be squirted, and a complete lack of self control until who knows when. So why the hay not, before I decide to ride the nearest door knob. Rather fondle and ride a livin’ pony."

A rumble deeper and more lustful than she had ever done in her entire life escaped from Applejack's lips. And she didn’t care that she did it. Repressed for too long, her loins - the most honest of loins - knew when they couldn't hold back their flood gates. "And oh sweet mercy you’re the only pony I can think of that’ll keep up with me other than Rainbow.”

“Wait... you really mean it, don't you?" Pinkie asked. "I... wow. I don't know what to say to that."

Applejack slowly stroked the tip of Pinkie's muzzle, fluttering her eyelashes in a manner that Rarity would have fainted at seeing. “Just say yes, Pinkie, and you’ll see what I’ll do to you and your 'pie'. And do it before I have a breakdown, and my breakdowns usually involve me running away or beatin' a tree. And I can't do either at the moment, so I might as well beat... a... cake. Crap. Daddy's genes failed me there.”

Pinkie gasped scandalously, unable to hide the glowing blush going over her cheeks. “But Miss Fruit, we’re so different. But I must say yes-gah!”

Before her mind could register the impact, Pinkie was pressed against a wall, forced to stand on her hind legs as Applejack looked at her with the most sultry, dominant grin Pinkie had ever seen. In any other context she would have felt very, very uncomfortable.

She did feel uncomfortable. Applejack's rape face was one that she wasn't up for seeing again.

Pinkie squeed nervously, as if she was caught wearing a skirt to a metal concert, attempting to halt the wide grin that spread across Applejack's muzzle.

Applejack stared down at her prey, forcing the front of both of their coats together. Her grin wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Pinkie Pie wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

“H-i-i-i, Jackie.” Pinkie squeaked, her eyes looking away from Applejack's to study the wild waterfall of blond that rolled down her shoulders. "Beautiful mane you have."

Without her unanimous consent, her forehooves squeezed onto the thickly muscled flank cheeks of Applejack's. They screamed of a raw power and torque that made Pinkie both envious and scared of what they could do, and why she had suddenly decided to molest Applejack's withers. "You are hotter without the hat! Wait. I need to find-”

“Rainbow said yer're a switch that leans on a bottom. Which is fine by me.” Applejack nickered darkly at Pinkie, licking her ear as she dragged a forehoof through her fluffy back. “Cause I’m a natural top. Now why don’t ya go scoot that fine fanny of yours back into the room, and we’ll see how long you’ll last.”

“O-O-okay,” Pinkie whimpered. “Dear Pinkie Journal. Entry 246: You are really good at arousing ponies. Maybe you should not do that to powerful mages, athletes, and rodeo mares. Pick less threatening ponies.”

“I expect at least five rounds with ya." Applejack dragged a hoof across Pinkie's cheek, lifting up her muzzle to stare Pinkie down with her emerald eyes. “And you offered, girl. Not me. Unless... you were just kiddin’ around? If that's the case, I apologize, and you shouldn't flirt with a needy friend. I owe you more cider than you can-"

“Oh no I totally wasn’t kidding-no shut up me-”

Applejack’s hoof slid noticeably lower down Pinkie's stomach. “Eeeyup, I think you can’t back out of this now, little filly."

“Four rounds, and you let me curl up in your lap afterwards?” Pinkie gulped down a baseball sized wad of saliva down her throat.

Applejack, for the second time in her entire life, squeed. “Deal.”

What awoke Twilight from her deep sleep - that was also made worse by a thankfully small hangover - was something she never wanted to hear.


There were several things in life she never wanted to hear. The sounds softly thudding through the walls around her and into her ears were very high up on that list.

Extremely so.

She was relatively positive Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow, and Rarity were having sex.

Very, very, very loud sex.

She made an addendum to her thoughts: She was one hundred percent positive from the sonic resonances that her four friends were having very, very, very loud sex.

"Damn it," she whined tiredly. "Couldn't you have done this in the middle of the night? It has to be morning by now."

At least she had a wonderfully warm and sweet pillow and half blanket around her.

Fluttershy was half curled up around her, resting her muzzle on Twilight's rump as Twilight laid lazily over Fluttershy's back. She had to admit to herself that she was stupidly comfortable with Fluttershy around her, and it was only that slight comfort that Fluttershy gave her that made the vibrations from the rooms around her slightly bearable.


Fluttershy hummed drunkenly at Twilight's words, her eyes slowly opening in case she needed to void her stomach from the sudden injection of light.

Whatever grogginess that was in Fluttershy's eyes melted as her ears perked up to listen to what Twilight wished she had never heard and could not purge from her mind, no matter how hard she tried.

Twilight was thankful she didn't have the better hearing of the Pegasi, for the shiver that went down Fluttershy's neck captured the essence of Twilight's hatred for the sounds tapping on the walls around her. She would have attempted suicide if she could hear the amplified noises that were ringing in Fluttershy's ear drums.


"Yes." Twilight's horn crackled to life, cursing the very existence of her soul as she channeled her magic to silence the sounds around her.

Twilight's proven mana reserves and abilities to shuffle through spell matrices were in the top one hundred of all non-divine creatures in Ungulia. All three hundred million of them. And she was climbing up that list every year. It didn't do anything to make her fatigued, horny, hungry, hungover, edgy, barely awake self cast the spell any more quickly than she would have liked.

She thought about that thought.

She was lying astronomically to herself.

Her abilities made casting a sound canceling spell vastly easier, and it would have made most spellcasters faint at the sheer thought of doing it in her current state.

Casting the spell only made her even more fatigued, horny, hungry, hungover, and inclined to shatter the clinical definition of PMS.

It did wake her up a bit though, and it did remind her of how incredibly talented she was. She did however make a note to learn ways to save drunken mana drain. It could come in handy in the future.

The silence of nothing but herself and Fluttershy's breathing was bliss.

"Yes," she said. "They are enjoying themselves, aren't they, Fluttershy? I'm just peachy that I have to listen to this right now, aren't you?"

The expressions on Fluttershy's face changed rapidly, unsure if it wanted to cry, puke, scream, or go back to sleep.

It settled on an expression that Twilight rarely saw.

It settled on anger.

Twilight loved it.

"No!" Fluttershy's eyes glowed as she stomped a forehoof onto Twilight's tailbone. "It's not fair."

Twilight did not love that. "Oww!"

"Sorry," Fluttershy mumbled, "but I'm not sorry for what everypony has done to us tonight. It's not fair."

She rolled off of Twilight, laying down on her side as her eyes glowed brightly. "We've been neglected, teased, played with, and had to deal with everyponies'... stupidness. We've had to deal with them being drunk, yelling at each other, yelling at us, and all of this fighting. It never ends, Twilight. It, never, ends. And I'm tired of it!"

Steam poured from her muzzle as she gritted her teeth, her tail lashing behind her. "I just wanted us to have a relaxing, loving, and fun day, and they just keep on going, and going, and going. No matter what they do, they just keep on fighting when we just want to enjoy ourselves. Oh, 'they' enjoy themselves, but at making us feel so uncomfortable that... that... I just don't even know what!"

Twilight nodded. "Exactly! You and I are the only ponies left who have had any sort of decency today, Fluttershy. You've been with me this whole time trying to keep me calmed down as I have had to deal with the stress of what they are causing me. You've been the only pony, as always, to be laid back and just accept what the rest of us do. Do you have any idea how refreshing that is to me? That I rarely have to worry about you?"

"And I understand why you are so tense and have your moments, Twilight." Fluttershy smiled gently. "I really do. I'm sure Applejack does as well, but always know that I am here for you if you need somepony to talk to when the rest of the girls are just themselves."

Fluttershy and Twilight looked at each other, understanding and united anger against their friends swirling in their eyes. They ignored how much food they had eaten last night, the amount of alcohol they had consumed, the sound bubble that kept the noises out, the hangover twirling through their heads, and their own pent up desires that their friends were getting out of their systems in the two rooms beside them.

"Would you like to make out with me and forget about the girls?" Twilight said. "I just don't want to think about the four of them anymore, and I only want to think about you this morning. Applejack's made out with enough ponies today. Including... myself. So if you don't mind, and I'm not trying to use you as a pony of last resort, but..."

"But my breath smells of... umm... everything, including a bit of Pinkie Pie." Fluttershy scoffed at the bed. "And I don't feel offended, Twilight."

"She is such a good kisser," Twilight chuckled. "You'd think she'd be a mess, but despite all of the saliva she puts into it, she really can dig into parts of your mouth you didn't even know existed."

Fluttershy shivered, her wings twitching by the sides of her body. "It's really wonderful, and Rarity is as good as you would think she would be. Very... talented."

Twilight snorted. "Haven't kissed her, and have no intentions on starting. Also, if Rainbow's kissing is anything to go by her ability to please a pony in the hay, she absolutely lives up to what she brags about."

"Oh those were very fun times in Flight School." Fluttershy giggled loudly, burying her muzzle into Twilight's neck. "I know she talks about it a lot, Twilight, but she really is that talented. What she can do with her wings. I... oh my gosh."

Twilight pulled Fluttershy on top of her, her forehooves caressing down her smooth fur and soft body. "I don't mind, Fluttershy." She pressed her nose into Fluttershy's, her cheeks red. "I kind of enjoy your warmth, and perhaps you haven't seen what a bit of magic can do that wings simply can't, if you are up for it."

With her body adjusting herself on top of Twilight's, Fluttershy looked down at her, briefly contemplating her current situation.

She stopped contemplating. It had done enough damage to her brain.

Twilight mentally agreed.

"Do you?" Fluttershy said softly, her wings sagging beside her body. Her pink mane was in disarray, but she didn't care. "Because I like it too. You've always been very pretty, Twilight, and cute. Did you know that?"

"I can say the same about you, Fluttershy." Twilight rumbled deeply, her forehooves stroking up and down the curves of Fluttershy's back. "As long as you don't mind me saying it. But I already did, and I don't take it back. How about we all just admit we all sort of eye each other secretly and just get that bit of information out there."

Fluttershy leaned down to nibble at Twilight's neck, grinning darkly at the hiss of pleasure that escaped from Twilight's muzzle. "How about we do and yell at our friends later for abandoning us when we needed them. After we have some fun. Just you, and me, and yelling at our friends. I'd really enjoy that." She could not help but smirk. Smirk in a manner that made Twilight very, very proud.

Twilight smirked back, inhaling through her nose as she smelled Fluttershy's neck. "I'd like that, and I'd like to see you take out that anger that you've been repressing for so long, Fluttershy. It feels really good to let it all out." Her forehooves squeezed Fluttershy's rump, a quiet, nickering moan escaping from Fluttershy's mouth. "I just hope Spike is doing okay."

"He'll be fine," Fluttershy cooed, her forehooves tracing through Twilight's mane. "He's thirteen now. He can take care of himself, just like I'm about to take care of you."

"Bring it," Twilight growled lustfully, dragging her tongue across Fluttershy's cheek.

Fluttershy squeed.

Chapter Twenty One: Ravenous Rutting Reflections

View Online

Rainbow Dash was on cloud nine, even though her mattress was nowhere near a cloud in terms of softness. She couldn't imagine herself not being in such a state of elation after what she had been through in the last twelve hours.

She didn't care that she was physically and mentally tired. She didn't care that a fatigue from more sources than she could count was going through her system. She didn't care that the weird state of numbness going through her body was nearly unexplainable, and how the cloudy fog inside of her head just didn't seem too keen on going away.

She felt so damn good.

She couldn't quite sleep, and yet she wasn't fully awake either. She didn't bother looking at the clock. Time was not important at the moment. The lovely pillow that her half wet mane and snout was pushed into was.

Her body was wet from her recent shower, and yet she struggled to remember exactly when that shower was. It was also not important. Her muscles and body relaxing across the mattress in an attempt to replenish her destroyed ATP reserves was.

The thought that her biology lessons had kicked in and that she suddenly remembered what ATP was pulled her from her sedated limbo. The Cloudsdale Flight School educational system had once again ruined a night of sleep for her. Its revenge on her for her behavior during her high school years was seemingly eternal.

"Buck you, Mr. Beak," Rainbow muffled into her pillow, her drool caking her chin. "I don't care that I'd totally ride your hot griffin ass now if I was drunk. You woke me up."

She nuzzled into her pillow, her hindquarters falling over onto its side as she dragged her snout into her pillow's wet surface. "Now... now let me sleep, and maybe you can do me after aerobics. I remember you checking me out after gym class."

She rumbled deeply, her tail lifting up to expose herself to the bathroom door. "Yeah... you like that view, don't you, Mr. Beak? All yours. Just... give me a few days, when my crotch doesn't burn." She giggled. "I'll give you crotch burn. Oww... my crotch burns."

"What in the bloody nine levels of Tartarus are you talking about?"

A small part of Rainbow's mind mentally tripped at the sudden voice beside her, until the rest of her mind reminded her of what had taken place recently. Her eyes shot open to stare at the being who spoke to her.

Rarity. The Rarity that Rainbow was relatively sure she was one of a few ponies in the world who had seen her in her current state.

All of her makeup was gone, and any attempt at organizing her mane had been thrown to the wind, leaving her with a voluminous storm of violet hair that rolled down to her back and left Rainbow envious at how thick the hair was. Her blue eyes were bloodshot, tired, and yet semi-focused onto Rainbow's. There was no anger on her face. Only confusion.

For now.

Rainbow rubbed her face into her pillow once more. It was supposed to have all of her answers. "Griffin penis. I'm talking about griffin penis."

"I see," Rarity said softly. "Are you an expert on the subject?"

"No." Rainbow sighed quietly, thudding her snout into her pillow. "Just ignore me. I'm kinda out of it right now. I'm most likely saying stupider things than I normally say. So really, this is lethal amounts of stupidity."

Rarity silently nodded, biting her bottom lip as she laid on her side, her tail resting on Rainbow's leg. Rainbow's barely open eyes watched Rarity's shuffling, waiting for some sort of shout, punch, or impalement from her horn at her realizing she had just had sex with her.

It was inevitable. It had to be coming. The sex after the contest. The morning sex. The shower sex. It was going to hit Rarity's mind that she had done it all. And Rainbow, tired, helpless, and uncaring due to her mostly sedated sex drive, was going to die from a horn going straight through her eye.

"W... what is it like?" Rarity whispered.

Rainbow blinked. "What is... 'what' like?"

Rarity squeaked. "E-e-erm... griffon...hood."

Rainbow's snout could not settle on a single expression. Shock, bewilderment, questioning her own sanity, and considering she had possible hearing damage due to listening to power metal. She mouthed Rarity's question to herself. "What is... griffin penis like?"

"N-n-not that I'm implying you've had any!" Rarity whimpered, her ears folding. "J-J-just thought that if any of my friends would have had it, it would be you! M-m-my apologies, Dash. Don't mind me. I'm just hungover, curious, tired, and-"

"The curves are interesting, and the knot feels fantastic, but since the tip is all weirdly shaped 'n stuff it feels kinda empty inside of you. They also have like, no load at all. So however big their balls look? Just hormones. Although it's really the prostate that holds sperm, not the testicles."

She winced. Her biology class had struck again, and the silence that filled the air was a double whammy.

Rarity and Dash looked at each other, slowly computing their recent erudite conversation. Their manes were in disarray - although thankfully clean - and their eyes spoke of only a fraction of the rolling waves of disharmony going through their brains' synapses.

"So... why the buck did you ask me that?" Rainbow said. It summed up her thoughts well.

"Well you were talking about it, and I... erm... may have a toy, and was wondering if the real thing felt any different." Rarity clopped her forehooves together shyly, a thick blush going across her muzzle. "I... erm... may be a bit looser with my tongue than I wish to be. I usually am given time to prepare myself in the morning after all, and with the current thrumming in my head I'm not exactly... myself."

Rolling over onto her back, Rainbow chuckled in amusement, pressing the back of her muzzle into her pillow. "I can't believe we are having this conversation. And when I mean me, as in that I'm talking about this with you."

"I can't believe I have said all of this!" Rarity cried meekly, burying her snout underneath her pillow. "And you thought I was a barbarian before? I-"

"Rarity, stop it."

Rarity poked her muzzle out from her pillow, looking up at Rainbow like a dog caught laying where it shouldn't. "But-"

"Seriously. Stop." Rainbow pulled the pillow away from Rarity's muzzle, prodding her on the nose. "Look at me. Do I look like I'm just about to fly around and crack jokes everywhere? So stop worrying about you needing to be all formal around me. You know I can't stand that stuff."

"W-well if I must be honest, yes to you and jokes. It is kind of who you are, sweetie."

"I'm trying to make a point," Rainbow grumbled, gritting her teeth. "I'm trying to say that you don't need to act like Fluttershy because you're talking about sex or swearing. Ever. And especially not after what we've done yesterday and today."

"Am I being as shy as Fluttershy?" Rarity lifted herself up, laying on her hip. "I haven't really studied myself in times like this. It's not exactly common for my more... erm... 'crude' side to come out. Yesterday was just too much for me to handle. And it... slipped."

Rainbow smirked, her wings spreading lazily. "Let's see: You're stuttering, whimpering, being way too cute for your own good, and doing it with a hot Lambdon college girl accent that makes my butt wiggle a bit every time I hear it. So yeah, you're being like Fluttershy, if she had an accent. And curved hips."

For the first time that morning, Rarity's eyes turned into a light scowl. "I thought you said you did not have the energy for being snide."

"Meh." Rainbow closed her eyes. "It's kinda natural for me to be snarky, and I'm even worse than I used to be, thanks to hanging around you and Twilight. It's-gah!"

The feeling that suddenly shot across Rainbow's rump was one she knew all to well, mostly from herself. The faint glow that clung to Rarity's horn only confirmed her suspicions.

Rarity was magically squeezing Rainbow's sore plot. Very, very hard.

"Oww!" Rainbow yelped, her cheeks and thighs tightening. "That hurts! Why are you pinching me? You did that enough today. Oww, don't pinch harder! Stop being a bitch."

"So says one herself," Rarity purred quietly, her eyelashes fluttering. "I can not stop being what I am naturally, as you just said. Generosity and bitchiness are two sides of the same coin, Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow winced in relief the moment the tension on her withers retracted, her rump thankful for the peace. "No! No they are not. Two sides of you maybe, but-"

Whatever sort of anger Rainbow was about to give Rarity melted as Rarity rolled over onto her stomach, her forehooves tenderly massaging up and down Rainbow's chest.

"Can't they be both?" Rarity whispered. She threw her mane behind herself with a toss of her snout, the lushly dense hair moving in a manner that would have made a shampoo commercial look like homemade pornography. The tips of her hooves dug into Rainbow's lithe chest and core as her tail and rear lifted up teasingly behind her. "Can't, they, be, both?"

If Rainbow was not currently distracted at watching Rarity's mane dance and sway far more beautifully than any mortal lock of hair should, she would have been complaining at the tender kneading that her chest was receiving. It had received enough of that recently as well, but that was moot compared to the radiant glow of Rarity's eyes that sucked in her soul like a seductive Stare. The alluring swaying of her unbrushed tail like a pendulum locked her in place, forcing her to focus only at Rarity's mane and eyes.

The curvature of Rarity's rump arching behind her was an added bonus. A very awesome added bonus.

"They can be both," Rainbow droned flatly. "They can be whatever they want to be."

The corners of Rarity's lips twitched as she did her best to repress her chuckles, but failed. Her tail flicked, her cheeks clenched, and her throat gave way. She fell over onto her side, cackling wildly as she slammed her forehooves onto the bed. "You... you should see yourself! Is this how you feel when you pull a prank on somepony? It's incredible! I just..."

Rainbow stared blankly at where Rarity once was, her intoxicated and brainwashed mind arguing with itself on how it had its fill on Rarity's body, and then on how such a fill wasn't really possible, considering such body couldn't easily be described with how physically beautiful it was.

Rarity was content to have her tears drip down her face as she laughed herself hoarse. "I will abuse this in the future. Oh Rainbow Dash, how you have fallen under my hoof and spell. My little pet pegasus. I... I can't breathe."

Breathing. It was a relatively important thing for a pony to do. Rainbow remembered to do it. She turned her snout quickly toward Rarity, her ears flicking at the tittering squeals that poured from her mouth. "Hu-hey! You are making fun of me!"

"I was 'seducing' you," Rarity giggled, burying her snout into her pillow. "It was the perfect moment. I had to get my revenge, and oh did I get it. Your face... it's..."

Sitting herself up to perk her head at the mirror on the dresser, Rainbow Dash was not amused with what she saw.

Her entire face was beet red from blushing. She had never seen her own muzzle as bright red as it currently was.

"I hate you. So much," Rainbow growled. "Rarity, just pulled a me, on me. Wow. Wow."

Breathing. It was a relatively important thing for a pony to do, and Rarity had forgotten how to do it. She had given up on laughing, and simply laid on her back, panting and mumbling incoherent praise to herself as gibberish poured from her muzzle.

Rainbow snarled, turning around to leap on top of Rarity, her forehooves scratching underneath her armpits. "That's it. I'm really going to make you not be able to breathe! I-"

Rarity's vocal chords were capable of producing many sounds of varying degrees of annoyance, cuteness, and beauty, depending on both the pony and the circumstance. The cry from her sore throat at being tickled would have been somewhere along those lines, except that it happened to have been at a pitch that Rainbow's dizzy mind found to be akin to sawing off her wings with a rusty razor.

She screamed in agony as Rarity's playful cry cut through her eardrums. She rolled onto her back, covering her ears. "My head! I can't hear anything! I... I feel sick. I think I'm gonna puke. I..."

And then, relief.

Her ears perked up as they were massaged in a manner she didn't even think was possible. The insides of her ears were being gently pulled open, the ringing and vertigo melting into the air. She didn't complain about the faint tickling that the edges were receiving either, sending a twitch down her shoulders at the unique sensation.

"Just relax," Rarity cooed, straddling Rainbow's stomach. Her horn gently pulsated as wisps of her magic massaged the tips of Rainbow's ears. "I'm sorry, sweetie. It's my fault."

"It's okay, as long as you do this more often. You are totally doing this more often. I just have to remember to not tickle you if I'm hungover."

"A decent bit of advice period. Be thankful I have... erm... 'voided' myself when you were sleeping this morning."

"Horrible phrasing, so I'll focus on the ear massage." Rainbow shivered, letting forth a faint gasp from her lips. "Oh, my gosh, this is... Are you sure you aren't a massage therapist?"

"I am positive. I just happen to be a mare of many talents when it comes to being sensual and motherly." Rarity's forehooves flicked through Rainbow's mane. "Are you sure you aren't hiding something from us, Rainbow Dash? Unless my ears are failing me I do believe I heard a faint lisp when you said 'oh my gosh'. Of course, I am not a Pegasus, so-"

"Oh for Pete's sake, I can't help it sometimes, alright?" Rainbow sat up on her forehooves, her left wing extending to prod Rarity's muzzle. "Sheesh. Can't a girl be a lesbian every once in awhile?"

"You know, I've always wondered where that phrase 'for Pete's sake' came from." Rarity laid down on her side, letting out a quiet sigh as she rested a forehoof on Rainbow's chest. "Haven't you? I have."

Rainbow mouthed Rarity's question on her lips, her snout shaking gently from side to side. She attempted to contemplate the sudden subject change, but the logic behind it was simple: A hangover. It explained everything.

"I... what? How the Hell did we start talking about this?"

"I'm just curious, and perhaps the hangover is effecting my attention span. And maybe all of the early morning drama."

Rarity slid forward, her hoof tracing up Rainbow's neck. Her ears folded, her bottom lip pouting. "Can't I be curious?" she whispered. "And second only to Pinkie Pie you aren't exactly known for your attention span."

"Don't be cute!" Rainbow whimpered. "Please don't be cute. Please don't try to seduce me with cuteness. It... it hurts my soul."

Rarity hummed contently, resting her snout gently on Rainbow's chest. "One night of sex and now you find my pouting and whining cute? I could have solved so many years of hardship and anger at you just by sleeping with you after enough shots of rum. Not that the quality of the sex was a disappointment. Far from it."

Rainbow looked down at Rarity resting her muzzle on top of her chest, a part of her mind still reeling at the thought of Rarity laying on top of her at all that didn't involve Rainbow getting a tooth knocked out.

The compliment about Rainbow being good between the sheets? An expected and normal response. She wasn't the LGBT pride of Equestria for nothing.

She folded her forehooves behind her muzzle. "What can I say? It's like flying to me: A lot of practice, effort, training, and conditioning."

Rarity grinned. "I knew you had a whoring side of you other than your glory seeking side, Rainbow Dash. I'm glad to see that you have been... 'generous' to share in your training methods with others."

"Oh buck you and your pun, Rarelight." Rarity giggled as Rainbow shoved her shoulders.

"You trotted right into it." Rarity shoved Rainbow back. "You can 'take' the glory well from what I have heard," she tittered, clopping her forehooves together. "Oh I have no filter hungover and tired. This must be what you feel like letting loose all the time."

Rainbow snorted. "Haha. Very funny."

"And are you acting like me now in which you can not take a joke?" Rarity gasped, falling over onto her back, a hoof resting on her forehead. "Woe to the world, for our personalities have switched! Whatever will we do?"

"I'm so glad you aren't cranky in the morning after sex." Rainbow folded her forehooves across her chest, scowling at Rarity in a manner Rarity scowled at others. "That would suck. You being a drama queen is... normal, really."

Sitting herself up, Rarity smiled gently, brushing a lock of her mane from her eyes. "Oh I have my hangovers and days when I act like a mare with PMS and ESP."


Rarity ignored the comment. "Thankfully they are few and far between. But if you think I can be awful going months without sex-"

"It's been months? That explains everything."

"-then you should be prepared for those mornings that Sweetie Belle knows not to disturb me. Or whole days for that matter."

Prepared. It struck a chord with Rainbow.

Rarity tilted her muzzle to the side. "Dash? Are you... alright? You look like you're... scared."

She sat up, her wings twitching nervously. "So... about last night. Are... are we... a thing now? After all of that? Now that all of the emotional stuff is... umm... mostly gone? If not, are you going to kill me once you sober up?"

"I..." Rarity stared at the mattress, her unkept mane rolling down her shoulders and back. "I don't know on the first bit, Dash. The hangover isn't helping."

"But we're still friends? R-right?" Rainbow's ears folded meekly. "I-I mean-"

Her thoughts melted at the sudden tight hug that squeezed her toward Rarity's chest. Having the oxygen squeezed out of her was a good way to stop her brain from thinking. "Oww. Lungs. Hurt. Can't breathe."

"I will not stand a depressed drunk or hangover," Rarity said, wrapping her forehooves around Rainbow's neck. "An angry one? Absolutely! A tired, or filled with regrets, or stressed one is fine too, but you will not be a downtrodden drunkard around me."

"When did you get such strong arms?" Rainbow croaked. "I'm into a lot of things, but choking isn't one of them."

"You get a good grip sewing a lot, but that is neither here nor there."

Rarity pressed her hooves gently into Rainbow's side, ruffling through her soft fur as a loving smile spread over Rarity's lips. Her tail flicked around to slide over Rainbow's side, the smile of confidence never leaving her muzzle.

"The point is, sweetie, is that of course we are still friends. It was a fun night that we both needed. And no, I will not kill you, or maim you or do anything of the sort. I just don't know 'what' we are. Friends for sure. Always. You are silly to think otherwise."

"Even if you say later today or tomorrow you want to punch me for having sex with you?" Rainbow said nervously.

"Even if I punch you. Even if-my gods of the Summer Lands, now that I am more coherent your fur is so soft!"

Whatever moral Rarity was going to make was lost as she nuzzled her snout into Rainbow's thick and gentle coat, her quiet and happy cries of delight followed by the wild swishes of her tail.

Despite the lean muscles that defined Rainbow's body, her blue coat was a soft and squishy wall of semi-thick fur. She wasn't the curly poodle puff of Pinkie, but she was close.

She hated it. Very, very much. It went against the walking tower of badassery that she was.

Rainbow stared dejectedly at the bathroom door that was not pleased it no longer was able to get a clear view of her groin. "Note to self: If Rarity's ever high or drunk again, just make her nuzzle me to make her not yell at ponies."

"I love that idea!" Rarity chittered, burying her snout into Rainbow's neck and upper chest. "This is so soft. And with the firmness of your muscles underneath? It's almost as good as a cloud pillow."

"Yeah... the movies don't really capture how awkward waking up after sex and hungover conversations can be well."

"But does it matter? Considering we are happy?"

Rarity's eyes met with Rainbow's own. "What? Yes the headache is awful, and I got far too drunk for my own good. Oh and must I mention my thighs are killing me, and I feel like my ovaries have completely run dry? I'm also quite thirsty, and need to go to the bathroom. But that all doesn't matter right now."

Rainbow opened her mouth. "Well-"

Rarity sat up quickly. "If you are going to say what I think you are going to say-"

"What? No! I was just gonna say I don't think we did any eating out last night, so that'd explain why you're thirsty." Rainbow's cheeks turned red. "I-I-I... uhh... if you haven't noticed might-"

"Oh." Rarity clicked her tongue between her teeth, averting her gaze. "I... erm... right. I must admit that you... have a lot in you. I didn't know a mare could have so much... erm..."

"Yeah..." Dash swallowed down the saliva in her muzzle. "I'm normally not this shy about that. But I guess since it's you and... uhh..."

Rarity nodded politely. "Indeed, Dash. I can understand. A lot has happened."

Their conversation had faltered into an awkward silence. They refused to make eye contact with each other, their cheeks a burning red at the taboo subject that was taboo despite everything they had done the night before. They scoffed at their matress shyly, doing everything they could to find the rest of the room more interesting.

In other words, they were being adorable.

"So is what you say about yourself and what I've heard in the gossip mill true?" Rarity whispered, glancing at Rainbow.

"If it's about what I think it is about, then yes, they aren't lying." Rainbow's hoof gently prodded Rarity's side. "N-not that I'd force you to taste it or anything!"

"But of course," Rarity added quickly, fluffing up the nearest blanket. "I just wanted to know if the rumors of you having flavored-"

"But you don't have to try it if you don't want to." Rainbow looked at Rarity's neck, unable to look at her in the muzzle.

Rarity simply found Rainbow's right wing fascinating. "But I might."

"It's on the table if you wanna try it in a few days."

"But I might not."

"But you might."

"Mayhap. The option is clearly open."

"Where's Pinkie Pie?"

"But for now I think we've had enough-"

Rarity blinked rapidly, shaking her muzzle to make sure she heard Rainbow's recent sentence correctly. "I... erm... would assume she's safe somewhere? I never knew one could link Pinkie Pie with vaginal secretions, but your mind is a perverted one, Rainbow Dash, and you did date her once."

"No no no," Rainbow shook her head, "I don't think you're getting what I'm saying. She's the kind of mare to jump in on an awkward conversation and make it even more awkward. Like... this one. Or the last ten that we've had."

"Ahh. I understand." Rarity stroked her chin. "I can't see her barging in here after we've had sex and commenting on it. I can't see her being that crude."

Rainbow snorted loudly. "You never know with Pinkie, and after everything we've been through last night? Hungover and tired like that? She might just do anything. She-"

The sudden force of Rarity's laughing body falling on top of her forced out a quiet squeak from the back of Rainbow's throat. "How in the bloody Tartarus have we talked about all of this? Or more accurately why have we? Have you been listening to us? We sound ridiculous! We've covered everything under Celestia's sun."

"We... we kinda do, don't we?" Rainbow giggled. "We sound like idiots. No offense."

"Absolutely none taken." Rarity pressed her snout into Rainbow's neck, sighing tiredly. "I've been saying far too many vulgar things for my own good, and am exposing a side of myself I never wanted exposed at all."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "And yet... you seem kinda happy about it. A lot less stressed."

Rarity rested a hoof on Rainbow's stomach, dragging it gently through her coat. "And yet I am happy."

She smiled. As her hoof danced through Rainbow's thick coat, she smiled. Her mane rolled down her shoulders and neck haphazardly, her inner thighs twitched faintly from the soreness going through her body, and her sapphire colored eyes were filled with red veins spreading across their edges.

But Rarity's gentle, content, peaceful smile never faded, and Rainbow could not help but smile back.

"I'm sure the massive release of all of those pent up hormones inside of me and letting myself loose among many other things might be the reason," Rarity said, "but damn it, I don't care why or how right now, because I am happy. I don't need a reason to be happy if I want to be. And if it's from the shagging, or just yesterday and all of its stress being over with, or the fun I've had with you, or I'm too mentally hungover to care, I don't give a shit. I don't. I really don't. I'm going to enjoy the moment until something comes trotting our way to blow it all to pieces and makes me cranky again. But that moment isn't the present. It isn't now, and I won't let it be now."

"And when those times come, Rares, you just gotta laugh it off and keep your chin up," Rainbow said, prodding Rarity's nose gently. "And I'm here for that. All of the gals are."

Rarity's smile grew. "Thank you, Rainbow Dash, and I really mean that." She gently lifted up Rainbow's right arm, pressing her left forehoof into Dash's own. "I really, really mean that."

"And I mean it when I say that was a really awesome Twilight like speech, Rarity. And have I told you how hot you are when you swear? I think I have like five times before, but I'll just mention it again."

"Oh shut up," Rarity growled playfully, shoving Rainbow. "You just find it dirty because you know I am much more composed than this. I must admit though, that being able to relax around you like this is very stress relieving."

Rainbow rolled her eyes. "And I have a thing for smart ponies swearing, alright? Don't you remember me talking about this? And you do have a stick up-"

Rarity shoved Rainbow harder, glaring at her giggling. "Relaxed does not mean insulting me, Rainbow Dash. And if we are speaking about past discussions we know full well of your rectal enjoyments. If I wish to pursue that matter later I'll-"

"Hey! Y-y-you shut up." Despite her mind screaming at her not to Rainbow Dash whimpered and blushed at the same time, losing many coolness points to the mists of time.

Rarity adjusted herself as she laid gently on top of Rainbow, her eyes glowing demonically. "Oh? Have I pinched a soft spot? A puffy, dark blue soft spot?" Her tail moved seductively behind her as she leaned forward, her lips inches from Rainbow's own. "You poor creature. Look at you, all blushing and on the defensive!"

"I-I am not."

"Oh I am very positive that you are," Rarity purred, stroking through Rainbow's mane. "And until you hush up yourself and admit I am right I am going to keep on abusing this. Just the way I-"

It was hard for Rarity to flirt with Rainbow with Rainbow's tongue in her mouth. And so she stopped attempting to do such after several seconds of gurgling on her own words and saliva. Instead, she did what came naturally to her fatigued mind.

She kissed back. The fluffy coat was very convincing to her on wanting to lay on it and make out with Rainbow instead of punching her in the eye.

Her posture slouched quickly as she laid down on top of Rainbow completely, her forehooves sensually digging into Rainbow's mane as her snout tilted to the side. She didn't even think about why she was doing it. She just was, and that was all there was too it. The rubbing of her muzzle into Rainbow's own was delightful.

The feeling of Rainbow's powerful and feathery wings wrapping around her back was sinful. She arched into Rainbow's body at the wings gently squeezing her back, her curved thighs and rump stroked and squeezed by Dash's hooves. The grunting moan she made as her withers were held was brutish, and yet she did not care. She dug into the back of Rainbow's neck and damned the universe and everything that was in it. It was passionate fun with a close friend; why should she think about it? And she was half stoned from so many chemicals that had entered and exited her mind anyways.

Nothing else mattered other than Rainbow's thick coat and firm body underneath her supporting Rarity. She hadn't even realized her tail had intimately twirled around Rainbow's several times over as they suckled onto each other's lips. It was an expression saved for two lovers, not friendship with benefits, and yet the moral lines of her relationship didn't even enter her mind.

She just kissed Dash, moaned blissfully into her mouth, and-

"I'm glad you two are enjoying each other this morning."

Whatever meager physical lock the connecting suite door had was ripped asunder by Twilight's magic. It stood no chance, and if Twilight was not subconsciously concerned about a repair bill, she would have ripped the door clean off.

She stood in the doorway, her mane and tail as ruined as Rarity's own, turning her once flat mane into a semi-curled wasteland of dark purple hair.

She was also very, very pissed.

Epic... Epilogue? Part One: One Chance To Stay Alive

View Online

Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: She was going to be very, very angry this morning, and at least one of her friends were going to be at the cannonade of that anger.

Rainbow Dash and Rarity happened to have been in her sights.

She was hungover. She was horny. She was hungry. Her lovely mane had been sent astray by what she barely remembered the night before. Her horn thrummed and had half the urge to break away from her spinal system to numb itself. And so she broke down the lock connecting her room to Rarity's and Rainbow's to sedate her horn's secessionist leanings through destruction.

But much like everything that had happened to her in the last day and a half, nothing was fully satisfying for her mind and body.

She'd fix that. Once, and for all.

"I'm glad you two are enjoying each other this morning."

She stood in the middle of the doorway connecting her suite to Rarity's and Rainbow's, and was sadly rewarded with the satisfaction of their shock for only a second. The image of their faces caught in the middle of a kissing session was priceless, but fading.

Rarity quickly fixed that, as she was apt to do.

She screamed like she had seen a ghost, flailing off of the bed with a cry of agony as she landed onto the floor, weeping in hysterics. The dark joy Twilight received from seeing her friend act much like she always did was one she could now relate to with any demonic forces who sought to abuse Rarity's damsel-in-distress complex. It was a gin so sweet on Twilight's tongue.

Rainbow, unexpectedly, gagged in disgust. It wasn't the massive splatter of Rarity's saliva that forced her to shut her right eye and stick out her tongue, but what was between her legs.

"Rarity just friggin squirted a huge jet of pee on me!"

Twilight's arousal at channeling her inner dark side was crushed by Rainbow Dash's comment, as it was so apt to be time and time again at every sentence Rainbow said that made the psychopath in the back of Twilight's mind plead to choke her until she passed out.

She was not amused.

"We get it, Rainbow," Twilight snarled, snapping her jaws. "You like watersports. And knowing you, you were most likely the urinal at the Cloudsdale coliseum that day you don't want to talk about."

Rainbow squeaked. "No! She isn't into that-"

"-you're not saying no to my statement about yourself-"

"-and she-"

"I have to go to the bathroom!" Rarity cried loudly, galloping into the bathroom faster than she had ever moved in her entire life.

Anger. It was all that was registered on Rainbow's snout as she looked at Twilight, and it caught her faintly by surprise in its veracity.

She rolled out of the bed, her wings spreading behind herself to not only their full plume, but with her feathers splayed as widely as they could go, puffing out her wings and coat to increase her size dramatically. Her eyes were glowing red slits of the setting sun as she trotted slowly toward Twilight, ejecting a deep hiss of air from her flaring nostrils.

"I know I'm not the nicest girl around," Rainbow said coldly, "but you know I'm teasing a lot, and I'd never do something like you just did to you guys, ever."

"Today is different, Rainbow Dash," Twilight growled, her tail lashing against the door. "Today is very, very different than yesterday."

"It's weird since you are one of the smartest, nicest, coolest, most awesome ponies I know, Twilight, that you're acting like this; so I'm just gonna ask you one thing, Twi'."

She dug her forehooves deeply into Twilight's chest. "What the flying fuck is crammed up your vagina this morning, Twilight? Ever heard of knocking?"

Twilight didn't flinch. She looked down at Rainbow with her violent eyes, indifferent to her aggression. "Nothing, Rainbow. And that's the problem. There's nothing up my vagina or something knocking into me. Either now, or last night, or this morning."

The anger in Rainbow's eyes melted as quickly as it came, her wings folding by her body as the light drained from her eyes. Twilight enjoyed how easily she crushed Dash's soul. "W-w-what?"

"Exactly," Twilight huffed, shoving Rainbow onto her back. She stood over her, chuckling quietly, admiring the trundling whimper that escaped from Rainbow's muzzle. "And now you can see what happens to a mare who has been driven to the edge of estrus, and you have rightfully backed down before I do something drastic. A wise decision, Rainbow Dash."

"W-what about Applejack?" Rainbow said, her forehooves curled toward her chest. "I'm so sorry. I didn't-"

"She abandoned me for Pinkie Pie in the middle of the night." Twilight shrugged casually. "I should have expected that, considering everything that had happened last night with my friends and reliability. Survey says: Twilight's not shocked!"

"I did not do that!" Applejack trotted through the doorway, turning around to glare at Twilight. "I tried to explain to ya it was Fluttershy who offered to stay with you. She was as passed out as ya were."

Twilight tilted her muzzle to the side, interested in the recently mentioned pony's existence now in front of her. The tiniest part of her mind considered sending several thousand pounds of force concentrated into a pencil thick beam of magic through Applejack's eye, but then she wouldn't have an Applejack to vent at. She liked venting. "And I started caring about your opinion on this matter... when exactly?"

Applejack stomped a hoof onto the floor. Her resistance to Twilight's sarcasm was cute. "Damn it, mare, Pinkie an' Fluttershy both told ya the same thing as I did."

"Most likely to cover for you, Applejack, as you had sex with Pinkie Pie," Twilight shrugged again. "I'm still not shocked by this."

"I did not do it, I did not have sex with Applejack, I did nooot-"

Pinkie blinked, standing in the main doorway that was conveniently open thanks to a pair of keys. "Why did I say that in a weird accent? And okay, yes, I did have sex with Applejack, but seriously, Twilight, you were completely gone. Don't-"

Twilight's ears hated the voice that cut through the air like a sword. "Shut up, Pinkie Pie!" she neighed. "I don't need to hear your whiny, high pitched, squeaky voice hungover this morning. Or at all. Ever. And even more so after you stole my ex-date from me."

"Wow." Pinkie clicked her tongue between her teeth, folding her forehooves across her chest. "So how about I say something in a more 'normal' voice?" Her voice lost all of its normal bounce, dropping into a deeper and more natural tone. "Somepony has a case of the bitchy witchies from itchy snitches today. Better? Sorry I said it my way."

"Considerably," Twilight gritted between her teeth. "Talk like that more and I might not kill you."

"Don't make her worse," Applejack whimpered, wrapping a forehoof around Pinkie's shoulders. "Please don't, Pinks. I feel so happy after what we did. Don't ruin it for me."

Rainbow turned toward Pinkie, nodding her head. "Gonna have to agree with AJ on this, even though that was totally true and was totally a me comment."

"Did I give you permission to say anything, Rainbow?" Twilight said.

"N-n-no, ma'am," Rainbow cowered. "I don't wanna make your morning worse. I-"

"Oh I will make that pudgy purple tart worse!"

Rarity shut the bathroom door behind her, throwing her unbrushed mane to the wind as she moved toward Twilight. Her eyes glowed an icy blue as she stalked toward her, meeting her gaze. "Have you forgotten about the well known technique of knocking on a damn door before you enter a bedroom, Twilight? If you didn't notice, Rainbow and I were enjoying a more intimate moment."

Pinkie blinked rapidly, a faint whistle escaping from her lips. "Rarity has something happening when she lets her mane down. If Applejack didn't ride me into the sunset last night I'd be enjoying this more. And... why do you smell slightly of pee, Rainbow?" She sat down beside her, patting her on the nose. "Rainbow Dash, I understand you really enjoy golden showers, but-"

"Have y'all noticed how much we cuss now after just one day, or is it just me?" Applejack rubbed her forehead tiredly, attempting to compute the last thirty six hours. She gave up quickly. "Cause I have, an' I'm not sure I like where that's gonna get us in the future. An' it feels like we're just doin' what we did last night all over again."

"Except it is with Twilight," Rarity growled, her muzzle inches from Twilight's own. "A mare who I have never had the urge to punch in the face before. A mare who I have always considered to be the pinnacle of excellent morality, and one who I would think would never barge into a couple being intimate."

"I'm sorry that I'm just a little peeved at all of my friends having sex with each other - but of course excluding me - and planning my sex life for who knows how long," Twilight chuckled. "I didn't know that me being angry was overreacting to that. I'll make sure to tone it down next time."

"The blowin' down their door was, Twi'," Applejack said. "Even if ya're 'n heat 'n-"

"Use two apples and Big Mac creatively, Applejack," Twilight spat.

Pinkie clopped her forehooves together, tittering to herself. "I'll take two apples and Big Mac if you don't want him. He's cute! I should ask him out."

Applejack shrugged, sitting down beside Pinkie. "I take it back; maybe Twilight's right. She sure has been through a lot, 'n I don't like thinkin' about the first time I rolled in the hay."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow at Applejack. "You've... been really iffy on taking positions recently, Applejack."

The tittering of Pinkie turned Applejack's cheeks red as she looked at Rainbow. "I don't wanna die, Rainbow. The best way to get the leader's and yer date's approval is to agree with everything they say."

"And Applejack is once again forgiven for everything she's done to me ever." Twilight looked around at her friends, a smile spreading across her lips. "See? Wasn't that easy, everypony?"

"That you've come rampaging in here demanding us to worship the ground you stand on because your date didn't work out for you?" Rarity huffed. "Are you Trixie now? Trying to steal what you didn't get yourself?"

Rainbow stood up, placing a hoof on Rarity's shoulder. "Rarity, come on, we both have anger issues-"

"Might be the biggest understatement I've ever heard," Applejack smirked.

"-so let's just-"

"Mistress is busy right now, Rainbow." Rarity flicked her tail against Dash's side. "She is speaking with her current rival, the 'Great and Powerful Twilight'."

Pinkie chewed idly on a piece of gum. "My catfight sense is tingling, and I'm rooting for Rarity. She's been the nicest to me today of you two, and that's not saying much."

Twilight grinned.

It was the kind of grin that Twilight Sparkle should never do. It was the kind of grin that could have ended the history of nations in another universe. It was the kind of grin that was made the moment an empire was overthrown. The kind of grin that a dictator made seeing their enemies at their feet, ready to be purged from the earth.

She lifted up a hoof to stroke the base of Rarity's chin, her grin growing larger at the wince that Rarity made from the contact. The anger in Rarity's eyes only added to her satisfaction.

"I will steal from you, Rarity," Twilight purred. "I'll steal Rainbow Dash from you. She's the perfect sex toy anyways."

Twilight's friends gasped in unison, pressing their snouts into their necks.

"You, will, what?" Rarity neighed. "How-"

The one pony in the room who didn't gasp was Pinkie. Her gasp had turned into a choking wheeze as she gagged on her gum, grabbing onto her neck.

"Pinkie?" Rainbow said, "You can stop. I mean wow it's-"

Pinkie shook her muzzle, her eyes watering as she squeezed her own throat.

"She's really chokin'!" Applejack galloped toward Pinkie, pressing onto her stomach. "Are you okay?"

"Does she look okay?" Rainbow wrapped her wings around Pinkie's frame. "Come on, Pinks. Get-"

"-out of the way!" Fluttershy hockey checked Rainbow into the dresser, sending her careening into the wooden surface with a groan. She wrapped her wings around Pinkie's stomach, sucking in a gulp of air. "Alright, Pinkie. One, two, three!"

As recently used to Pinkie's saliva Applejack had become, receiving a snout full of it on her muzzle in addition to a wad of bubblegum being spat directly in her mane wasn't something she'd put high on her list of enjoyable experiences.

She had to admit it was better than her friend dying, or her face getting puked on, or Twilight killing her. "Where in the hay did you come from, Fluttershy?" Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Ya just... appeared!"

"I'm very quiet," Fluttershy said, the nubs of her wings massaging Pinkie's sides. "Except... when I'm not."

Rarity laid down beside Pinkie, stroking through her mane affectionately. "Are you alright, Pinkie? You poor dear. I never knew something could do that to you. Not that... I'm implying anything about your ability to swallow without choking."

She turned quickly toward Rainbow, her eyes glowing brightly. "And no comment from you! I know you were about to say something."

Rainbow whined loudly, her frame lazily spread on the floor from her recent forte into wood. "Oww. That's my comment. Oww. I forgot how strong Fluttershy could be."

Pinkie had been blessed with life once more, tears dripping down her muzzle as her breathing returned to normal. "Bathroom. I need to puke. Like... now. Sorry I can't make that sound very happy."

Rarity tilted her muzzle toward the bathroom. "It's alright, sweetie. It... erm... might not smell the best currently though."

"That's not important," Pinkie coughed, pulling herself up onto her hooves. "I'm just... I'll be alright."

"I won't be alright," Twilight mumbled. "When I think about it, autoerotic asphyxiation sounds wonderful right now."

The bedroom was silent.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other, their eyes having a silent conversation. Fluttershy and Rarity exchanged worrying glances, slowly turning to look at Twilight to confirm they had heard what they had just heard.

Except for Pinkie Pie. Her stomach purge in the bathroom was more important than the fisticuffs erupting around her.

"How could you turn Pinkie's words into such a sick comment about your sex drive?" Rarity said quietly. She stood up, trotting slowly toward Twilight. "Have you gone mad, mare?"

Twilight scoffed deeply into the floor. "Because I am that horny. To the point I'd say that and half mean it, and it's thanks to all of you. If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly thinking like myself right now."

She paced around in a circle, her eyes briefly glancing at each of her friends as she passed. "I'm doing everything I can to not blow this building up or murder somepony, so excuse me while I try to show some leadership in action."

Rarity shook her muzzle. "But that's a line that even Rainbow Dash would not cross, Twilight."

Applejack averted her gaze. "Ya-ya know... I think Dasha would with enough-"

"Oh bugger off, Applejack." Rarity snorted, her nostrils flaring. "I was trying to make a point. Now I know how Twilight feels when no one gets what she is saying."

"Epona's thick bosom, y'all have anger problems." Applejack shook her muzzle, turning toward Fluttershy. "And why in the hay aren't ya stopping this?"

Fluttershy's eyes closed briefly. Her wing tips flickered rapidly, folding beside her body quickly afterwards. "Because like Twilight I'm very pent up after everything that's happened today; and like Rarity I get out my anger passive-aggressively when it becomes too much. So I'm just going to not get involved in this, because I don't want to get mad either."

"Well I am getting involved." Rainbow pushed herself between Twilight and Rarity. "Can you two stop fighting over me? I'm a person you know. I have rights and can stand up for myself."

"As I said earlier," Rarity hissed between her teeth, "mistress has this taken care of, Rainbow Dash."

The mind of Applejack was not meant to compute Rainbow's sex life. And yet despite her better judgement, she dove deeper into that ever growing abyss. "I didn't know you were into that, Dash," she said.

"I'm not," Rainbow said, her ears folding tiredly. "But I think I'm like... her property now. Which... explains everything that's happening right now."

"And I will buy you from her, Rainbow Dash, and set you free. To me." Twilight's magic flared to life, pulling Rainbow beside her. "You could use a better mistress, and I'll make sure to pet you every night before we sleep together." She stroked through Rainbow's mane, giving her cheek a kiss. "Just like this."

"Hah!" Rarity cackled, her magic pulling Rainbow beside her once again. "You're just a want to be dominatrix, Twilight 'darling'. You have nothing on me, and with your weight problems you'd barely last half an hour."

"I find Twilight kinda cute," Rainbow mumbled, "But-"

Twilight giggled contently, her magic claiming Rainbow once more. "You see, Rarity? You were right when you first came to my house yesterday: I am an attractive pony, and Rainbow has usually had decent tastes in mares."

"Hey!" Rainbow growled. "What the-"

The cold stare that Rarity shot Rainbow made Applejack and Fluttershy wince in fear. It even made Pinkie wince as she walked out of the bathroom. Or it could have been the twitch of her intestines. Or both.

"You want to have sex with her!?" Rarity screamed, her right forehoof digging into Rainbow's chest.

"I didn't say that!" Rainbow yelled, "but I'll do both of you if it will make both of you shut up and stop fighting over me!"

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and even Fluttershy facehooved in unison.

"This is going to be bad," Pinkie said.

"Very bad," Fluttershy said.

"Celestia damn it, Rainbow," Applejack sighed. "Ya say the stupidest things at just the right moment."

"How could you do this to me, Rainbow Dash!?" Rarity cried in agony, her eyes watering as she looked at Dash. "After all we have been through in the last day? After I gave myself to you?" She sniffled dramatically. "How-"

"Look, I'm trying to stop you two from tearing each other apart," Rainbow said.

"You're tearing me apart, Rainbow!" Rarity wailed, her hooves clasped toward her chest.

Dash looked between Rarity's tear filled eyes, Twilight's wild smirk of satisfaction, and the sudden laughter that burst from Pinkie's muzzle. She ignored Pinkie. It was for the best. "Will you calm down, Rarity? You're overreacting again. I just don't like the thought of dying from either of you. I've always had a crush on Twilight, and you are... well... pretty kinda awesomely... interesting, Rarity."

"General Lee's beard, mare, will you shut your trap?" Applejack shouted. "Yer're digging the biggest hole I've ever seen."

Fluttershy shook her muzzle from side to side. "Dash. I... I don't... I'm going to be quiet. You just have to learn for yourself. Just let her learn from this, Applejack."

Twilight wrapped a forehoof around Rainbow, giving her a tight hug. The victorious grin across her muzzle grew at Rarity's whimpering. "Seems like Rainbow has made up her mind, Rarity. It-"

Rainbow had given up on her restraint, and had decided at that moment to punch Twilight across the cheek, sending her careening onto the floor. "Shut the buck up, Twilight, I'm trying to calm my gir-mar-buc-frien-Rarity. And you aren't helping for once. Stop being me!"

"It's like a soap opera in here." Pinkie looked at Fluttershy and Applejack, blinking rapidly. "And... the best one ever. We should do something, but this is amazing! Yay for no morals! Yay for my bulimia high!"

Applejack scratched at her chest, staring at the floor. She let her moral code slide once more. "I... I have to admit, that this is pretty entertaining. And Twilight does deserve to be hit once. I do like me some revenge from time to time."

Twilight looked up at Rainbow, rubbing her cheek with a hoof. "Oww. You are strong. I guess the martial arts do pay off don't they?"

"No crap," Rainbow said, "and just because I love you, Twilight, it doesn't mean you get to take me over and use me as your sex slave."

Rarity stabbed a hoof onto Twilight's forehead, growling in unison with Rainbow. "As if you could control my pet Pegasus! Hah. She comes back to her owner so naturally."

"I'm not your pet-"

"So you shall get your greedy, pudgy, virgin hooves off of her, you lavender lynx of a leech!" Rarity spat a wad of saliva on Twilight's horn. "Take whatever hormonal issues that you have from everything we've done to you and go molest your brother, or something of the sort. And stay away from my Dashie."

Applejack looked at Fluttershy, raising an eyebrow. "Has she always been able to insult ponies and make it sound pretty?"

"Pretty much," Fluttershy said. "This is just worse than usual."

Twilight pulled herself up onto her hooves, a faint, dark chuckle escaping from her muzzle. "It's because she thinks she's smarter than me and has to use extremely advanced vocabulary because she can't do theoretical physics in her head to make up for it."

"Then how about I tone myself down a bit for you and get off of my high horse, and speak plainly for a change on my views on you having sex with Dash." Rarity nodded toward Rainbow. "As Rainbow Dash has so happily recommended to me earlier this afternoon."

She pressed her muzzle into Twilight's, her blue eyes glowing like sunlight reflecting off of ice. She inhaled sharply through her nose.

"Go bucking stick your brother's knob up your dry and tight virgin twat and jump up Celestia's perfumed shite arsehole and die, Twilight, before you consider banging Rainbow as long as I still breathe one bit of air in my lungs."

Twilight chortled. "At least he'd be a better lay than you. And he's nobility. So I'm sure you'd enjoy the 'pearl necklace' he'd give you, or the nobility anchor baby that you've always wanted, Rarity. He's quite big and might not fit considering how tight your 'marehood' is with how much of your ego you fill it with. You could always give him to Sweetie Belle. Her first 'facial'."

"You can't even swear when you want to, and I or she would enjoy that, and he can have me or her anytime he pleases," Rarity screamed. "He is quite the intellectual, and has the tightest rear on a stallion that I have ever seen. Sweetie Belle could learn from the experience."

"Oh... oh buck you!" Twilight ground her teeth together. "And you could try to please Shining Armor, but you'd fail compared to me. Because no one would know how to please him like me!"

She laughed carelessly, turning her muzzle away from Rarity. "You couldn't make him orgasm if you tried. As his sister I've seen his porn collection, and know exactly how to push him."

"Oh you insolent little bitch. I could make him squirt so hard I'd die trying to take it all, and the smell would never get off of me." Rarity tittered madly, waving her forehoof. "By the time I was done with him, he'd be comatose."

"You wish." Twilight tapped her horn gently, wincing at the stimulation. "Cadance is a nymphomaniac worse than Rainbow, and has to use her magic just to sedate him. You'd need both of us to take him down."

"Fine!" Rarity stomped a forehoof onto the ground. "The one who milks the most orgasms from him wins. I'd like to see your purple face and nose coughing at all the sperm dangling from it like the Canterlot courtesan dropout you are."

"Deal," Twilight said.

Rarity nodded. "Deal."

There were moments in a pony's life in which they sat down with themselves to contemplate how far they had grown as a person. How adulthood had changed them for the better, how their occupation had helped them see how they could contribute to society, and how much farther they could grow as a person physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

For the Elements of Harmony, the saviors of Equestria, that moment was not the present.

They looked silently at each other for what seemed like eternity. They all pondered if they should be the first to speak. If they had the solution or summary of the madness around them that could explain everything away. A quip. A quote. A speech to give to remind them all of the friendship that had united them and the excellence of their characters to inspire them.

They came up blank. The only expression on their muzzles was guilt. Adorable, furry guilt.

Pinkie Pie clicked her tongue between her teeth, the resonating trundle of sound breaking the silence in the air. "Wow. I've got nothing."

Rarity looked at Twilight, tears budding in the corners of her eyes. "Twi-"

"You know what?" Twilight lifted up her forehoof. "I think we all need to have a meeting, and realize we may need collective therapy. I think nearly three years of saving the world has traumatized us, and we just haven't realized until today how badly it has. It's not your fault, Rarity. At all. You don't need to apologize. It's all psychology, and none of us are to blame. We all have PTSD, and have been getting it out in ways that are counterproductive."

"That would explain why I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes," Fluttershy said, scoffing at the floor. "Well... I've always done that, but more then before."

Rainbow looked around at her friends meekly, a faint whine escaping from the end of her muzzle. "I... I clop too much for my own good. I mean... I was always kinda horny as a kid, but with my job I can like... clop off for six hours a day if I want to if I have little work the day after. I can just sleep it all off. And... I do that like twice a week, and it's still not enough."

"It's okay, sweetie." Rarity stroked down Rainbow's back, nuzzling gently into her neck. "Although I am not nearly as bad as you, I must admit that I might have missed a few deadlines in my life due to... 'fatigue'. And maybe a few too many spirits. Or vodka. Or wine."

"And I'm..." Pinkie scratched her half flat mane, metaphysically digging into her brain for input. "I'm just me. I think that's enough to say how I've been scrabbled! Oh... now I want to play Scrabble."

Applejack stood up, wrapping a forehoof around Rarity's side. "Don't worry about that, sugercube. I might dip into the liquor a bit too much for my own good, just like the rest of the Fruit family. What ponies say about us is as true as tobacco."

"That... saying doesn't make any sense," Fluttershy said.

"I'm a secret alcoholic alright?" Applejack yelled, tears budding in her eyes. "Can't... can't a mare get any support for that?"

Pinkie mumbled quietly. "And you made fun of me for being a sad drunk pony."

"Pinkie!" Rarity gasped. "How could you say such a thing about Applejack? Even more so coming from you."

Twilight glanced at Pinkie, a smirk appearing across the corner of her lip. "Applejack deserves it. She was snidely making fun of Pinkie Pie when she was half drunk, crying into Applejack's shoulder."

"Applejack!" Rarity gasped. "How could you do that to Pinkie Pie?"

"How... how in the hay did Twilight remember that?" Applejack said, wiping away her tears.

Twilight shrugged. "Don't ask me. My brain takes in a lot of information it doesn't remember until later. Why do you all think I have panic attacks from time to time?"

Pinkie wrapped her forehooves around Twilight's neck, burying her snout into her coat. "Oh, my gosh, Twilight, we are so totally alike. Can we be friends?"

"We are already friends, Pinkie. For some... reason."

"Oh yeah-hey wait a minute..."

"Twilight!" Rarity gasped. "How could you be so mean to Pinkie Pie?"

Fluttershy had done something she had waited years to do. It was something that was building up inside of her soul for as long as she had become friends with the other Elements of Harmony.

She dragged her forehoof across her temple, despite the deathly glare that Twilight shot her. "Rainbow, I need to talk to you about how motherly and protective Rarity can get. She can be more territorial than... you."

Rainbow shrugged her shoulders and wings. "Meh. I'm not that worried, Flutters'. How can she own me well if she can't even control her cat? If anything, Opal owns her, and she's just trying to follow her mistress."

Applejack and Pinkie winced collectively at the dagger jabbed at Rarity. Fluttershy found herself keenly interested in hiding herself in Rainbow's and Rarity's bed.

"Burn," Pinkie whistled. "That, was a burn."

"Oh my gosh, that was incredible, Rainbow." Twilight buried her muzzle into Rainbow's bed. She gave up on her restraint, bursting out into a cackling squeal of laughter as she pounded her forehooves into the mattress, tears dripping down her muzzle.

Rainbow bowed. "Thank you, thank you, I'll-"

"We were talking about our stress management problems," Rarity growled, "which you are all giving me, and shagging Twilight's brother."

"Anypony who talks about doing my brother other than myself again is going to die a very quick and bloody death, and I don't care if it screws Equestria forever!"

The Elements of Harmony were used to being attacked and by explosions at this point in their lives, although being sent flying into the corners of a room by Twilight's half glowing form sending a shock wave of magic through the air was a new addition to that list.

She hovered inches off of the bed, her magic faintly crackling wisps of lightning around its edges as her pearl eyes glowed like a star about to go supernova. "Shining Armor is mine. None of you are having sex with him. He is my fantasy, and anypony who even thinks about telling anything that I have incestual thoughts about my brother..."

Her frame effortlessly hovered in the strawberry dew of her magic as she floated toward Rainbow Dash. Her forehoof slowly lifted up Dash's chin, her eyes returning to their natural color amplified to glow a radiating amethyst. "Isn't, going, to live. Although I might just be tempted to make them my slave for all-"

"What... what if we do him together? That would be a dream come true."

Rainbow Dash was known for her courage. Her best friends knew of her as being the mare who was the first to the fight and the last to leave. She was reckless, and yet heroic, brave, daring, and more than willing to die for her friends should an evil take one of their lives.

She was tap dancing with that evil at that very moment.

"I mean... look at you two." She clopped her forehooves together meekly. "Really smart, great bodies, leaders, kind, awesome. I-I-I could go on. But I would... like... totally do both of you at the same time, i-i-if you'd let me. Hay, I'd even have a foal by him, if like for some reason Cadance couldn't have kids, and you wanted to kill Cadance and overthrow the throne or something. Honest! Or I'll even have a kid from both of you. If that's... like... possible. And you know how bad of a mom I'd be."

There were many responses that could have been given to Rainbow by all of her friends, and she would have expected and been ready for any of them. She was prepared for Rarity to kill her, for Twilight to impale her with her horn, or any assortment of deadly, torturous, and lethal actions.

Twilight landed on the ground, her eyes softening as her ears folded. "You'd... you'd really have my brother's foal, and be our slave?"

Rainbow nodded. "T-t-totally. Hottest colt and mare in Equestria I know."

Applejack had given up on life. Her head slammed loudly into the dresser in an attempt to end her eternal pain at the everlasting stupidity around her. She had become enlightened to the agony that Twilight had to deal with on a daily basis, and seeing her degrade in maturity had been too much for Applejack to handle.

"While... I'd... erm... might not be very interested on the slavery part, nor do I see you in that manner, Twilight, I would be lying to several parts of myself if Shining Armor has not entered my fantasies of both a more explicit and maternal manner."

Twilight and Rainbow turned their heads toward Rarity, watching her whimper as she crawled toward Fluttershy. "I-I-I... w-w-well... it isn't common in this day and age to find a noble, young, handsome stallion with a sense of humor, honor, and a voice capable of making a mare wet, now is there? I must admit, that a foal by him and I would be beautiful, well educated, and surely be an example of the nobility of old. I've been debating about if I want a foal of my own after Sweetie Belle and my job, but with him? I'd absolutely consider it."

"I... I don't know what to say to that, Rarity." Twilight sat on her rump. "A part of me wants to brutally murder you two for saying that, but the thought that you would do that for me and Shining Armor is... admirable. More so since I was just arguing with you two about who is having sex with who, and I really don't think you are saying that to appease me. At least... not fully. I-"

"Just don't kill me!" Rarity leapt in front of Twilight, burying her muzzle into Twilight's tail. "I want to live for... for living! I admit defeat. I have been a horrible, slutty, nasty whorse to you today, and I deserve to be spanked nor look at your eyes until you tell me to. Please, Mistress Twilight, anything to keep my life. Take my pet Pegasus. She's yours!"

Rainbow looked at the current situation, and how it had inadvertently worked for her, as so many things in life did when she improvised. Her eyes glanced at the silent nodding that Fluttershy gave her. She knew what she had to say.

"Y-y-yeah. I'm your pet Pegasus, Twilight." She nodded vigorously at her. "My... uhh... fluffiness is... yours."

Rarity sobbed into Twilight's tail, stroking through the hairs as if it was the finest velvet. "I'll be flogged, gagged, hung from a bedpost, and used until I can be used no more, but please spare my life. Please spare Rainbow's life. I need to nuzzle into her once more before I die."

"And Sweetie Belle," Fluttershy said, her wing gently stroking Applejack's unconscious forehead. "Don't forget about her."

"And Sweetie Belle," Rarity weeped, sobbing into Twilight's leg. "How can she learn about sex without me? Do you want her to be self taught? Oh no! Who am I to question my mistress?"

Rarity screamed in despair, her forehooves digging into Twilight's thighs. "I am the worst slave! Please smack me until I am your little bitch for you to abuse, Mistress! I-"

"What the buck is wrong with all of you!?"

There was only so much insanity that Pinkie Pie could take, and the thought that there was in fact a limit was one she never thought she could reach.

Perhaps it was the love she had for her friends, or perhaps she was never a big fan of arguments to begin with. It didn't matter. She stood up, grabbing Rarity and Twilight by the fur on their necks, lifting them up off of the ground as she stood on her hind legs.

"Woah." Rainbow stared as Rarity and Twilight were held off of the ground like pictures to be nailed on a wall. "And that's what ponies forget about Earth ponies. Epic strength."

Pinkie's eyes bored into the submissive and fear filled orbs that Twilight's and Rarity's eyes returned to her. "Seriously. I have a voice inside of my head wanting to carve up ponies into meat pies, or to cut myself, or sob until I pass out, but this? This? I... I... What the buck is wrong with us? We were innocent once. Innocent, I tell you! And now I'm choking you two and swearing. Me. Me! Do you have any idea how good this feels? How much I'm crying on the inside? How high I am from all of that vomiting?"

Fluttershy perked up her ears. "We... were innocent once? Maybe two years ago, but not after the Gala."

Pinkie stroked her chin with her tail. "Hmm... okay, maybe not-but seriously what the hay is wrong with us? Get it together, Rarity. Nopony is being anypony's pet out of... of... fear! Yeah! Because I said so, and nopony argues with the... the... baker pony."

She sighed deeply, her eyes turning toward Rainbow. "I'm sorry, Dashie. Now you see why this happened all the time in bed. I just can't top like you can."

"Uhh..." Rainbow's left wing scratched at her stomach. "Whatever you say, Pinkie. It's no biggy. I'm sure you and Applejack had an epic time together."


Whatever words Rarity was about to say were forgotten as she was dropped to the ground, Pinkie's forehoof slapping her across the face. Rarity twirled through the air from the strength of Pinkie's slap, landing on the mattress with a loud thud.

"No more talking from you," Pinkie growled. "We're having a meeting. Pronto."

Twilight's anger evaporated as she looked down into the sparkling blue fortress of Pinkie's eyes. "Pinkie-"

"No!" Twilight barely landed on her rump as Pinkie slapped her across the cheek, sending her into Rarity's sniffling form like a purple colored missle. "Shut up, Twilight. Does Pinkie have to smack a filly?"

"You... already slapped her, Pinks," Rainbow said. She lifted up her forehooves defensively. "Thank Arion they landed on something soft, but it's n-not that I'm saying you can't slap her again. I won't stop you."

Rainbow looked down at her tail, her ears folding in shame. A very rare feeling for Rainbow Dash. "Now I feel like Applejack, with trying to save my flank from dying."

Pinkie shook her muzzle, sitting on her rump. "No, I'm done," she sighed. "That last one hurt, and I think I've done enough of hitting ponies. Now I feel guilty."

"Don't cry! For the love of everything amazing in history don't start crying."

Rainbow grabbed onto Pinkie, wrapping her wings around her tightly. "Please-"

"-let go before I get sick again," Pinkie coughed, dry heaving unpleasant smelling air from her lungs. "Dash... no hugs. Just... I'll be okay."

As for the other Elements of Harmony, the situation was variable. Life, freedom, and the incoherent pursuit of happiness was still with them, although for how long they didn't stop to think about.

Rainbow let go of Pinkie, letting her collapse onto her back to calm her blood pressure and stomach as she surveyed the current anarchy of the room.

Rarity and Twilight laid splayed over each other haphazardly to the point it was hard to tell who was who, mumbling quietly to themselves. Fluttershy was tending to Applejack, who had knocked herself out from the trauma of purposely impaling her head into the side of the dresser. She knew of the feeling and lightheadedness that hitting wood brought, although by the cracks in the wood, Applejack had taken it several steps further than a pony should.

"Is... Applejack going to be alright?" Rainbow said, sitting beside Fluttershy. She brushed her tail over Applejack's chest. "She's not like... dead, is she?"

"Of course not," Fluttershy giggled. "Maybe a very minor concussion, but she's a strong pony."

"An' high as a kite right now." Applejack snorted quietly to herself, staring up at Rainbow. She stroked her hoof softly across Rainbow's cheek, her tongue slowly licking over her lips. "Ya... ya got yerself a purty mouth, Rainbow."

Rainbow stroked her forehead from the throbbing of nearly every part of her body complaining of the stress she had put it under. "So... I've noticed four things about you when things get tense, Flutters'."

Fluttershy rested Applejack's muzzle on her stomach, her wing brushing through her mane. "Oh? I'd like to hear them."

"You either go berserk, cry in a corner, get confident and do the right thing, or completely ignore everything like nothing is going on." Rainbow shrugged. "To be honest, I think you deal with things better than all of us."

Fluttershy smiled gently. "It's for the best. When Pinkie gets angry, she tends to relax quickly afterwards. When I get angry, I stay angry for a very, very long time. Which is why we are having a meeting, before I start dislocating shoulders."

She looked over at Twilight and Rarity, coughing politely. "As long as you two just admit you both want to have sex with Shining Armor and leave it at that. I'd... umm... have sex with him. He has nice... umm... testicles. I like nice... testicles."

"Shining Armor orgy," Pinkie grumbled. "Woo..."

Twilight lifted up her forearm to signal she was still among the living, her muzzle buried underneath Rarity's thigh. "Don't annoy Pinkie Pie, we'll all have sex with Shining as a team, and I might be a masochist. Got it."

"Sounds smashing," Rarity cooed drunkenly, her tongue hanging out of her muzzle. "We're all smashing Shining Armor if given the chance. Got it. Now if you excuse Twilight and I... nap time."

"Mmm... nap time," Twilight nickered, nuzzling into every body part of Rarity she could. "I like that idea."

Rainbow dragged her forehoof across her muzzle, aware of the everlasting stupidity around her for one of the first times in her life. She ignored that she was a large contributing factor to that stupidity, considering the thought that she had many negative traits simply wasn't one that her mind registered a vast majority of the time. She was too incredibly amazing for that.

Applejack giggled at a pitch that made a part of Rainbow's soul die. "And I'd let him do me anally until my tailhole looked like a train tunnel."

There were many things Rainbow could have said or done at that statement. She herself had said many things in her lifetime that had scarred or concerned her friends with her social limits, ethical choices, and the images she planted inside of their heads. Applejack's description was just too much for her.

"For fucks sake, I will never get that image out of my head."

Epic... Epilogue? Part Two: Countdown To Insanity

View Online

Invictus was truly a marvelous place.

It was part casino, night club, pub, and adult hotel. It had hundreds of years of history, sword fights, and drug raids behind it. And yet it still stood the test of time.

It now had the honor of being the place where the Elements of Harmony had given the hoof to personal purity.

It was an overrated virtue to begin with, so they really didn't mind shrugging it off. It whined about every little thing they did wrong; it complained they weren't staying true to their younger selves; it pleaded for them to be the sparkling bastions of excellence to Equestria that they were supposed to be.

That had changed.

Change livened up things a bit. The annoying bastard known as Virtue thought it could stop nineteen and twenty year old mares from enjoying life. Virtue complained to Fate about the Elements no longer following it, and Fate had told Virtue to shove it up it's puffy pucker. It was destined for the Elements to become the utterly unknown concept known as Normal. To have the basic desire to swear, drink, and have sex. Normal gave wonderful oral. Virtue didn't swallow. It was jealous of Normal. It was why Fate wanted and got it's divorce, and married Normal. Virtue committed suicide later that year.

The Elements of Harmony had relocated themselves to Twilight's and Fluttershy's room, laying down where they were questionably eager to begin their first therapy session about the life changing events that had just preceded them. It was also the only room that didn't smell like a mare musk grenade had been dropped inside of it. Thankfully, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash had the courtesy to bathe and to use mouth wash. The smell was going to take an awful lot of steam cleaning to get out of the floor of their rooms.

It had been a day of change and chaos, and it was only early afternoon, just like the day preceding it. They were all just getting up though, and that was an iffy proposition on if they were going to stay up. Sleep was awfully delicious.

They didn't even think about their jobs, their families, or anything else other than themselves, the meeting, and where they were heading morally. Everything else could wait a few weeks. Including where they were heading morally.

Twilight Sparkle, the unwilling leader of her band of misfit, formerly molesting fillyfriends, looked around at her fellow Elements.

Her focal point was Rainbow and Rarity, the two mares that were considered to be the agreed upon catalyst to the insanity of the day before, and they looked exceedingly happy and at peace. Or they had simply run out of endorphins and hormones to keep themselves fully awake without having to turn to illegal and extremely dangerous stimulants.

Rarity and Rainbow laid on the extended couch bed pressed against the wall of the room, and were in a blended state of sedation, fatigue, warmth, fear of one of their friends snapping and killing them, and dare they admit it, a pinch of love. They had only recently gone from two friends who liked each other well enough - but didn't quite consider themselves good friends - to something more akin to best friends with a bit of something extra, literally overnight. It was a shocking revelation for everypony involved, more so themselves.

It still stunned Twilight. There would always be dozens of hobbies and personality traits that Rarity and Rainbow would never have in common, but at the current hour it all seemed to be possible.

And by Celestia's silky legs, they were adorable right now. She stabbed a part of her mind for even considering that Rarity and Rainbow combined could be adorable, but the objective truth was still the objective truth, as much as it made her want to binge on Everclear.

Rainbow laid on her stomach, her right wing splayed protectively over Rarity as she laid on her side, her back pressed into Rainbow's body. She scratched her left forehoof contently into Dash's toned neck while Rainbow rested her muzzle tiredly in her own forehooves. They were clean and slightly damp from their post shower - and post night, and post morning - sex, and had most of their former tension melted away from their frames.

Rarity’s purple mane had gone back to its post spa treatment style, rolling down her cheeks and shoulders to faintly curl at the tips. Rainbow’s own hailstorm of furious colors danced like braided beads from Rarity’s neck and shoulders to down her back and chest, caking her in a curtain of shimmering hues. Her mane had been unlocked and allowed to become fifty coils of untamed thunder, and seeing her relaxed by Rarity made Twilight feel like the lightning heart of Rainbow Dash had finally been tamed.

It should have been banned by international treaty at how they had become… cute. How they laid on top of one another in a manner of personal trust was just an added eye twitch of diabetes.

Pinkie Pie and Applejack on the other hoof looked like two best friends who had just woken up from a night of partying and hastily remembered that bathing was a moderately good idea. However, they were not affectionate in the manner Rarity and Rainbow were. They had two hooves of space between them as they made two pillows their home. Their tails rested on each other’s hindquarters, like best friends showing their concern and affection for one another.

It was odd to Twilight that they were more beat up than their less biologically blessed kin, but then again, all of the Elements of Harmony had taken a hoof to the face at least once in the last day.

Pinkie looked like she had been smacked down mentally, but by the zoned out expression on her pillow resting muzzle it was a physical curb stomping she needed. Or that her guilt at almost choking the life out of Twilight and Rarity and releasing years of pent up anger had got to her. Or the sex. Or the vomiting.

Applejack was currently a shining example of a pony shot with a half strength tranquilizer and still among the living. Ramming her head into a dresser several dozen times was a near enough equal to morphine. The high was mighty fine if she was asked about it, because it meant her brain didn't have to think about much. She liked not having to think about too many things.

However, all was not well in the room.

Fluttershy and Twilight were not amused by the unsedated inferno that was wailing to get out of their groins, but by Tartarus’ tailhole how could they be that angry when their peers were being so, damn, cute? It must have been what they looked like when they did something that made a heart skip a beat.

But they were still pissed. Because they could be. And they were horny. That was reason enough.

And nopony was going to tell them to be otherwise. They had rightfully claimed the princess sized bed as their own, resting side by side like two regal queens gazing down at their four subjects who had disobeyed their orders.

With a sticky notepad beside her, Twilight tapped her forehoof on the tiny bundle of paper, glancing at Fluttershy for the briefest of moments. The flash of contact confirmed that Fluttershy silently behooved Twilight to continue with her call to order, and would not accept no for an answer. She was the one who was truly in control. And she liked it that way.

“I hereby call the Conclave of Clop to order,” Twilight said resolutely.

While none of the Elements were firing on all cylinders mentally, it was impossible for them not to slowly turn their gazes toward her curiously at her word choices, tilting their muzzles to the side. “Meeting of Masturbation? Diddling Debate? Hooving Huddle? Pussy Parley?”

“Hah!” Rainbow Dash balked, lifting up her muzzle. “That last one is totally what I would call it if I was that clever.” She giggled quietly. "Nice one, Twi'."

Twilight's cheeks flushed red at the faint smiles appearing over the muzzles of her friends. “I don’t think anypony in this room is exactly clearheaded this morning, so sorry about my word choices." She stumbled on her tongue, mumbling to herself. "Afternoon. Early evening. Whatever the bucking time it is, I don't know."

Her muzzle contracted into her neck as her cursing registered in her head, the locks of her mane swaying as the blush across her muzzle returned once more.

She had to admit, however, that every time she swore it calmed her down a bit. Not near enough to the level of Pinkie’s sweets or mass produced junk food, but enough for it to be more than a placebo effect for sure. There had been quite a few studies on how swearing helped convey emotion, control anger, and how intellectual accomplishments didn't alter how much a pony cursed.

Besides, she had the perfect tonal stress to make them sound just deadly on her tongue. Her cute voice letting a vulgar word slide into an unexpected conversation was going to be a future eye raiser, and a perfect way to catch a pony off guard. Nopony would expect it from her, and with her verbose vocabulary…

The irony that the letter to Celestia that she would almost certainly write in the very near future, due to her compulsive need to write was going to headline with how swearing was mentally calming, had to be pushed into the maximum security section of her mind.

"Sorry for the vulgarity," she said, although she was unsure at how sincere she sounded. "And for swearing yesterday. And today. And now. And the yelling. And almost killing you all. And the threats of mind slavery. But I have my reasons to be peeved!”

She thudded both her forehoof and tail on her mattress, but was left unsatisfied with the lack of a solid sound of anger. She folded her forehooves across her chest in disgust, the pouting on her face unable to do justice for her discontent. It did look adorable though.

Fluttershy splayed her right wing over Twilight's back. “A lot has happened, Twilight, so don't be angry that you are getting out your anger calmly instead of yelling. It's a good start. And if swearing helps, then that's okay.”

“You can say that again.” Pinkie hiccuped, dragging her tongue over her pillow. "Swarring ish mahhic?"

Applejack placed her forehoof in front of Pinkie's tongue. “You don’t lick pillows, Pinks. Lick this instead. It feels good too." She licked her lips slowly, her eyes fluttering rapidly. "Mmm... just like that.”

Rainbow pushed her snout underneath Rarity's forehoof. Applejack's moaning was a siren's song to her ears. "Am I the only pony here who thinks that Applejack has the creepiest voice when she's turned on like that? Please tell me it's not just me."

"No, Rainbow," Rarity said, her hoof rubbing gently at Rainbow's ear. "You are far from the only pony who thinks that. But I shall not try to think about it anymore. It is not the Applejack I have come to know over the years, and so I shall purge the image of it from my mind."

"Just let Applejack relax, girls," Fluttershy hummed. "She's suffered a concussion, and is getting better. And that's not a nice thing to say about Applejack, Rarity. It's okay if you say bad words too. We're adults here, and if you need to say them to feel better like Twilight, then you do. We want to prevent this morning from happening again, and if it means seeing another side of each other, then it does."

"Bloody therapy and what it makes one do," Rarity grumbled.

Fluttershy giggled. "Don't you feel better saying that? I think you do. Just let it out softly, and it'll help that much more."

Rarity mumbled quietly to herself, folding her hooves on top of Rainbow's muzzle.

"I think I heard a yes from you," Fluttershy hummed.

"Fine! I feel better."

"Oww!" Rainbow winced. "I'm right below you. Just because I can hear in a tornado doesn't mean I want to have a pony shout in my ear."

Rarity's ears folded as she looked down at Rainbow. "Sorry, dear. I'm in a moderately intense therapy session, and am realizing I might need to take cursing lessons from you, as horrendously dreadful, and dare I admit fun as they sound. Although that makes a mare wonder: How does a Pegasus hear well in a tornado, and yet you don't like loud noises beside you normally?"

Twilight perked up immediately, her ears and tail lifting behind her as her eyes glowed at Rarity. "That is a fascinating topic, Rarity, and it's only been in the recent century biologists and neurologists have figured out why that is. You see-"

“Yesterday and this morning, a lot happened,” Fluttershy continued more firmly. She spread her forearm in front of Twilight's chest. "Twilight, if this was a session with just you and me, then you could talk about Pegasi ears for as long as you wanted too. But this is group therapy, and that means you can't talk about evolutionary biology for five minutes. We don't want you to make everypony angry by making them... umm... bored."

"Fluttershy! That's an awful thing to say to me." Twilight's frame sagged quickly. "You could have said it more politely."

Fluttershy squeaked. "Did I say it rudely?"

"Overall? Not really," Rarity said, shrugging her shoulders. "For you? Perhaps, but for the rest of us we would have said the same thing."

"Twilight's just mad because she's been conditioned to think of ya as kinda... well... shy." Rainbow shrugged.

"This isn't helping my anger problems right now, you two," Twilight growled darkly.

Fluttershy's wing gently stroked through Twilight's mane. "But you know from a psychological perspective, Twilight, it's very selfish of you to have a group therapy session all by yourself."

Twilight stared at her forehooves, her ears limp beside her muzzle as her morality returned to her. "I... guess you have a point there."

Fluttershy nodded quietly, her wing tips flicking through Twilight's mane. "I don't think any of us expected last night and this morning to happen the way it did. You have your reasons to be angry, Twilight. It went from a night out to... umm... can you think of a sentence for me? I can't think of a really long sentence describing everything like you can."

“It went from a night that was simply going to be a gossip filled extravaganza to where the six of us showed that whatever moral high ground we could once hold to future generations has been completely thrown out the window, forcing us to deal with the fact that we do have genitalia and the urge to use them for less than evolutionary designed purposes?” Twilight smiled brightly. "I think that's a good summary of everything."

Rainbow opened her mouth to comment on her mastery of not using her foalmaker for foal making purposes. "Well-"

Fluttershy responded first. “Umm, Twilight... I’m not sure if you know this - but I’m pretty sure that you do - but herd breeding was considered the norm for equines all the way up until we started settling down.”

Twilight blinked rapidly. “But what does-”

“Ever since we’ve become sentient that instinct has diminished," Fluttershy continued. "But since we still outnumber colts two to one the evolutionary need for us to be in larger numbers than colts doesn't exist anymore.”

Twilight sputtered, the concept of getting lectured by a friend on a subject she knew well a hypothetical scenario she had never thought of before. Her other friends could not keep themselves from being bemused, lifting up their muzzles to listen out of perked interest. “Wait a-”

“So what I’m getting at,” Fluttershy hissed between her teeth, her tail smacking onto the bed, “if you didn’t interrupt me giving you a lesson, you little bitch, is that with modern society we’ve become sexually fluid, because we no longer die in childbirth or fighting each other for the alpha stallion's foal. That balances out what would normally be a lot of dead mares in nature due to war and colts fighting for us with modern day lesbianism. It leaves more stallions and mares open to mating, and lets those who want to have foals have more choices in partners. It means a lot of us who would have died early live, and that means those of us who decide to fondle fillies are in fact helping equinity.”

She laid down on her side, throwing her mane with a quick flick of her muzzle. “So you are wrong, Twilight. From an evolutionary view, it’s wonderful.”


"I said you are wrong!" Fluttershy screamed. "Suck on being wrong, Twilight Failkle. You, are, wrong."

She shoved Twilight onto her back, pinning her forehooves to the bed. Her muzzle was inches from Twilight's own, sneering down at her. "How does it feel to be wrong, Twilight? Because you were. So suck on it! Suck on it!"

Twilight's body quivered as Fluttershy stood over her. "I-I-I-"

Fluttershy had decided then and there to give Twilight a more encompassing example of sucking. It involved slamming her muzzle into Twilight's and inserting her tongue into the back of her throat, forcing her to embrace in the kiss or suffer from asphyxiation.

Twilight had learned a lesson from this, and that was that she was no longer aroused at the concept of having her oxygen supply reduced. Or that any fantasies that she had of being used without her consent like the little innocent librarian that she formerly was were also no longer arousing.

"Should we... pull Fluttershy off of Twilight?" Rainbow whispered. "And I wish she kissed me and acted like that back in Flight School."

"Are you insane, mare?" Rarity hissed. "If I thought Twilight's anger was a problem, Fluttershy could clearly murder any of us in an instant if we interrupt her. I value my life, thank you very much."

"Here here," Pinkie said. "I ain't touching that crazy horse."

By the time that Fluttershy pulled her muzzle away from Twilight's her body had decided to intimately straddle Twilight's own. Her hind legs were splayed over her, pinning her down like Fluttershy was about to give her an extremely personal lap dance. Saliva dripped down in large, sticky chunks from her mouth to land on top of Twilight's chin and snout, drenching her face in a splatter of clear fluids. "You did a good job, Twilight. You are very good at sucking."

She looked around at her other four friends, panting wildly. Her tongue hung out of her muzzle, her wings half splayed as a confident grin beamed across her lips. "Who's next?"

"Rarity is," Rainbow said, lifting her up under her armpits. "Here, take her. I haven't tested her suckingness, but she's awesome with her tongue. Just ignore what we talked about yesterday about you two not making out."

Rarity whinnied loudly in protest, her hooves kicking at Rainbow's stomach. "What the shit are you doing, Dash? Put me down!"

Pinkie looked at Applejack, scratching at her mane. "Did... Rarity just say an incomplete sentence? Did I just say something that Twilight would?"

"It doesn't matter, Pinks." Applejack shook her muzzle. "I have to admit that hearin' her swear is a mighty fine pleasure in some weird way I can't explain."

"Well you said you value your life." Rainbow shrugged. "So go make out with Fluttershy and keep it. If you make her happy, she won't kill you. Seems pretty straightforward to me, and you enjoyed making out with her yesterday anyways."

Rarity bit Rainbow's nose, landing on her hooves as she was let go to the satisfied cries of Rainbow in pain. "That doesn't mean throw me in front of the nearest bus. I can do that well enough myself, thank you very much. And I thought you were supposed to protect me. You are the male in this relationship."

Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Applejack gasped in disgust. Twilight gasped to simply control her breathing.

"What an awful and sexist thing to say to Rainbow Dash, Rarity." Fluttershy huffed. "I was going to kiss you, but with that kind of prejudice I won't. You should be ashamed of yourself, Rarity."

Rarity sputtered, her saliva caking Rainbow's muzzle as her tongue flailed in disbelief. "M-m-me!? You have to be kidding me. With everything she's ever said that's offensive?"

"She has a point," Pinkie said, nodding her head. "And Rarity has the dressmaking, and wine drinking, and culture liking thing down, so she can be the mare of the relationship. And the 60's housemare hairdo. We can't forget about that."

"As if that isn't as offensive in twenty different ways to Rarity, Pinkie?" Rainbow rubbed her sorely abused nose.

"How is it mean when I'm that too?" Pinkie said. "I mean... look at me! I bake, look good in a baking skirt, have a curly mane, jump about like a happy wife, act like I know nothing when other fillies gossip about me, giggle like a housemare, have the rump that a work stallion and his friends look at and think about, would do it on the kitchen counter, get spanked loudly by a rolling pin, do-"

"Far more information than we needed to hear, Pinkie," Rarity groaned, "and I can verbally defend myself, Dash."

Rainbow couldn't repress the dark chuckle that escaped from her lips as she sat up on the couch. "And now you know how I felt when you and Twilight were fighting and you didn't let me stand up for myself. Don't you feel amazing right now?"

"I feel really powerless in fact," Rarity whimpered, her ears flat against her muzzle.

"Now multiply that by ten, and that's how I felt. So how about we talk about our egos and standing up for each other later. You know, when Fluttershy doesn't want to rape us?"

"Oh I don't feel like raping anypony anymore," Fluttershy said, giggling quietly. "How could I when two of my best friends realized that they need to discuss their relationship in a healthy and nice way?"

Twilight laid down on her side as she regained a moderate ability to control her breathing, a wide range of emotions quickly working their way across her face at Fluttershy's words. She thought about settling on disgust, but her own damnable ethical code pointed out that she had been an abusive and outright violent friend not very long ago. It was a double standard for her to be angry at Fluttershy for almost using her against her will.

Until she remembered revenge rape was still rape, but she really didn't want to tempt Fluttershy's anger. And so she kept her mouth shut at antagonizing Fluttershy.

"I'm just going to forget that my tongue hurts a bit right now," Twilight said. "I deserved that. It is my duty as our leader to accept the punishment of my peers for my own failures. I-"

She stopped. Her eyes slowly turned toward Fluttershy, watching the color drain from her muzzle. "Fluttershy? Are you alright?"

Fluttershy quivered. Her coat was several shades paler then it formerly was, her wings shaking weakly by the sides of her frame. She looked around at her friends staring at her in concern.

Or was it anger? Were they about to eat her? Rape her? Pet her? Pet her, then rape her, then eat her?

She cried like a lobster being thrown into a boiling pot, sobbing into her forehooves. “I didn’t mean to snap at you, Twilight. Oh my gosh-I am so sorry-I think I’m just really needy and still hungover-I've been holding it in all day-so I got so smug of myself-and since that’s something I like talking about-my vibrator broke last week-I love all of you-oh my gosh-don’t kill me!”

She grabbed onto Twilight's side, shaking her rapidly. Tears poured down her muzzle as she looked up at Twilight, choking on her sobs. "I want to be used by my fillyfriends! It's true. Everypony talks about me like that behind my back, but it's so true. I've always secretly wanted to be used like a pet. Use me. Brainwash me. Rape me. Mark me as yours, Twilight. Let everypony use me. I'll be better than Rainbow or Rarity could ever be. I'll cook for you, and curl up in your lap, and do anything you want me to do. Please, Twilight, I want to smell like you forever. Just don't kill me."

Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie, and Twilight turned their gazes toward Rainbow.

She blushed brightly, scoffing at her mattress. "Y-y-yeah... she's always had a thing for musk. But don't blame me. I just... made it worse."

"Why did I ever decide to have sex with you?" Rarity massaged her temples. It was the only peace she could find. "Ahh yes, alcohol. I'll need more of it to bleach the memory."

Rainbow smiled gently, wrapping a wing around Rarity's side. "Because I'm awesome at sex and so good you'll keep on coming back for more, duh."

Rarity sniffled as she nuzzled into Rainbow's shoulder. "Why does the truth woe me so?"

Deciding to casually grab Applejack, something Pinkie was getting extremely used to, she stroked her hoof through Applejack's wild blond mane idly, ignoring the glare that she gave her. "Now all we have to do is wait for Applejack to yell, and scream, and almost kill somepony, and then all of us will have yelled, and screamed, and almost killed somepony today. Applejack, are you a secret subby wubby with anger problems who wants to be a pet too? Don't be shy!"

"I ain't a bottom," Applejack growled, shoving Pinkie away from her. "And I ain't gonna kill anypony. I try to look at the bright side of things, since I don't fancy gettin' anymore brain damage from thinkin' about how crazy my fillyfriends are and nailin' my face into wood. I'll let ya'll deal with yer anger problems, cause I can't do shit here, an' my head is killin' me."

It was Twilight's turn to attempt to control the situation. She had really lost all of her other options at this point, considering that her former therapist was now staining her coat in a stream of thick tears. She stroked her hooves gently through Fluttershy's mane, treating her like a foal who had seen their toy doll getting pulled into a river.

She swore mentally at the analogies that kept on alluding to watersports in her head, damning her brain's inability to not see wordplay wherever it could be found.

She looked over at her peers, shaking her muzzle gently from side to side. It was a shake that was a combination of shame, enlightenment, accepting her current predicament, and wondering where her once fluffy and gay youth went.

She was better than this once. She was once a greater mare.

She was once a heroine; an epitome of moral excellence and intellectual gravitas. A mare who could control her emotions. Who could lead the way when a friend went astray. Who always had some great saying that could teach a friend a lesson, or sum up what they had learned throughout their recent adventures.

And now she had become, and was surrounded by... this.

But at least she realized at that moment that she was far more incredibly awesome than she had given herself credit for, even in her current situation.

She was cute, a mage with few peers, had a wonderful singing voice, saved the world more times than she could remember, a genius to say the least of herself, a cunning strategist, and pretty much kept the rest of the Elements of Harmony from tearing each other apart when she didn't become apathetic to them tearing each other apart. She was relatively sure that wasn't the definition of friendship, but she didn't care currently.

Maybe not caring about her problems was the solution to all of her problems. Until not caring about caring about her problems inevitably became a massive problem itself.

She stopped caring about that silly logic. Logic was her bitch, and it would bend to her will.

Except when it didn't, then she just binged on Pinkie's food to keep herself from having a stroke.

"I am at an impasse," Twilight said coldly, "and I need your help, girls. And it doesn't involve raping Fluttershy."

"Aww." Pinkie folded her ears, a trundling whimper escaping from her muzzle. "But I was looking forward to that. Fluttershy made it sound so fun!"

Twilight turned her muzzle to nuzzle affectionately into Fluttershy's cheek. "And it's okay, Fluttershy. We all are... 'different' today. A lot has happened. Like you said. I'm just questioning if I'm the same pony that I used to be, and if I should consider taking anti-depressants, but I think the best thing I can do right now is just stop caring about what happened recently and move on. I can't hold grudges like that."

“Ya have every right to be pissed at us,” Applejack said, twirling a forehoof through her mane. “And even more so at me. Here we were last night, doing each other blind, an' you were left high and dry."

"And don't you dare make a comment about Applejack's turn of phrase, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity stabbed her forehoof into Rainbow's nose. "Don't, you, dare."

Rainbow whined like a dog, sagging into the couch.

"This was supposed to be your night," Applejack continued, "but we twisted yer nipples, and fiddled our fiddles, an’ well… shoot. It’s my fault the most. I’m sorry, Twilight. I can't even imagine how ya feel right now, even though I'm beginnin' to see an' feel how much stupidness ya have to put up with."

Her eyes stared down at the floor solemnly. “I didn’t know I was this bad of a first date, cheatin' on ya with Pinks. Guess that’s why datin’ isn’t for me. I got so horny that I couldn't think straight."

Twilight stood up on the bed, staring down at Applejack sternly. “Don’t say that about yourself, Applejack. Let me be the judge on that. And when I think about it in a fair and balanced light, you were the one who kept checking on Fluttershy and me the whole night. Nothing was set in stone to begin with last night, so you really didn't 'do' anything wrong."

She waved a forehoof at the thought. "It doesn't matter that we didn't do anything, Applejack, and maybe something will happen in the future with this if we all don't become psychopaths or go into insane asylums. It doesn't matter, because when you all have fun... I have fun. I know I didn't exactly 'get' any last night, but I had an incredible time that was... unforgettable. I had so much fun with you all, as I always do. Even when you drive me crazy and I don't sound like I had fun."

"So you aren't going to rape me then eat me?" Fluttershy said.

Twilight raised her eyebrow at Fluttershy. "N-no, Fluttershy. I... didn't have any plans on doing either of those. And I know this isn't exactly the right time to comment on this, but if you fantasize about ponies eating and killing you, I recommend you seek professional help. There's fetishes, and then there is serious self-esteem issues."

Rarity coughed loudly. "If my memory recalls, Twilight, you thought about molesting all of us both before the club and this morning."

"No comment on you wanting to make me your slave, Rarity." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Too late."

"Oh shut up, you would have enjoyed that," Rarity growled.

"Pretty sure I would not have."

Pinkie giggled excitedly. "Twilight does have a rape dungeon under the library. All of those weird gadgets and-"

"It is not a rape dungeon, Pinkie," Twilight snapped. "And why are we joking about rape? This isn't funny. I'm trying to ask you all for help about what we should do with ourselves now that all of this... this is known. That we all are insane. And I would never do that to a pony. It's called hypnosis."

Rainbow extended her wing tips. "'Hypnosis'."

"Shut up, Dash," Twilight neighed. "You... you're just jealous you can't use Sombra's magic for good purposes!"

Rarity bit her bottom lip. "I... erm... never knew that magical indoctrination was a good purpose for dark magic, Twilight. I was relatively sure that our duty as the Elements of Harmony is to stop that from happening."

"I like the thought of mentally weakening a pony to make it easier to sexually stimulate them, alright?" Twilight groaned loudly. "Is that really that bad of a thing to like? To fantasize about? You like it too, Rarity."

"I do," Rarity said, resting a hoof on Rainbow's back, "but I don't magically alter personalities to do it, sweetie. Just with words and a little shake of the hips; not magically rewriting their brains, even for an hour or two. You might want to reconsider giving ethical lectures when you consider invading a mind with no consent an arousing thing to do."

"You can... umm... hypnotize me whenever you want, Twilight," Fluttershy said. She nuzzled into Twilight's neck, curling her forehooves toward her chest. "I'd really enjoy it."

Rainbow had decided to hide behind Rarity for her own safety. Her courage was legendary, but she had seen what a Unicorn catfight was like, and she wasn't about to get into the middle of another one. "And next time, Rarity, don't talk to me about saying stupid things to piss off ponies."

Applejack looked about, judging her options. Her Element won out for once. "Yeah, Twi', I'm gonna go with the herd on this and say yeah, that's pretty bad, and that the truth can be a bitch. It's still kinda half rape."

"And Applejack can no longer do that either," Rainbow said, hiding underneath Rarity's tail. "So I'm just gonna chill here and not die, since I think Twilight is still gonna hold a grudge."

"And my friends can be too, Applejack," Twilight hissed between her teeth, digging her forehooves into her sheets. "You know, I was trying to say that I enjoy your company, girls, but I'm starting to realize I may need to adjust that perception and move back to Canterlot."

Rarity waved her hoof dismissively at the comment. "Oh, Twilight, I go back and forth on those same thoughts all the time. If you would like advice from a mare who has amply studied stress management-"

She looked behind herself at Rainbow hiding underneath her tail, tilting her muzzle to the side. "As a mare who has amply studied 'stress management'..."

Rainbow tilted her muzzle back at Rarity. "What? Okay, yeah, I'm kinda invading your privacy by hiding under your tail, but I'd rather die from you than Twilight."

"While that would be a moderate issue normally, I was expecting you to make a joke about how poorly I manage stress. It... is normal for you."

Rainbow snorted dryly. "As I said: I like living right now."

"Rarity is really bad at managing her own stress," Fluttershy said. "But finish your sentence, Rarity. I'd like to hear it."

The silent scowl that Rarity gave Fluttershy wasn't commented on by anypony. Fluttershy simply blinked at the anger directed at her.

"You must let it go and slide off of you like mud in the shower, Twilight," Rarity said. "Think of all of the good times we've had together. How could they ever be repeated if we broke apart as friends? Rainbow Dash has a good piece of advice around twenty percent of the time, and it's to let things slide. In the long run she's fantastic at doing that."

"That's pretty accurate," Rainbow said, poking her muzzle above Rarity's tail. "In fact, that's kinda optimistic with me and good advice percentages. I'll take a compliment."

Twilight relaxed visibly, her shoulders slouching. She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply from her nose.

"Okay. I can do this," she said. "Just stop caring about stress. Stop caring about things. Be indifferent to the suffering of your fellow pony."

"I don't think Rarity meant takin' it that far," Applejack said. "I-"

"I am trying to be indifferent to the suffering of others, Applejack. Please do not interrupt me as I am teaching myself to stop caring about the world."

Applejack curled up into a ball. It was all she could do. Her brain had taken too many hits to think of another solution. "I'll always be here when you need me, Twi'. Loyal friend 'n all. I'm just concerned yer're gettin' a bit cold and distant tryin' to protect yourself."

Pinkie leaned into Applejack's ear. "It's better then her being an evil empress. Go with it."

"Hey!" Rainbow growled. "That's my Element, Applejack. Just because you and I... like... are both of our Elements a lot doesn't mean you can be mine too."

Twilight dragged her hoof down her muzzle. "Do you ever listen to yourself talk sometimes, Rainbow?"

"Just remember: Today and yesterday don't count," Rarity said. She smiled softly, nodding to Fluttershy as she stroked down Twilight's back with her wing. "It was the shock of it all, and that we will have to adjust to this being the norm, as dangerous as it may be for our long term health."

"And stop feeling so bad about having a rape dungeon, Twilight." Pinkie swatted at Twilight's muzzle playfully. "I have a dungeon under Sugarcube Corner too. Nopony would expect me to laugh evilly as I rub rub ponies in my basement. So what the other girls say doesn't matter. Laugh at them for being silly fillies and not having one too."

The other Elements of Harmony silently looked at each other. They pondered about how they were openly talking about molesting other ponies, and how they still could consider themselves to be virtuous citizens of the community.

Saving the world many times over had its perks, and the universe was a perverted bastard.

They were also all very soft and cute. Except for Applejack. She was more along the lines of husky.

"Pinkie Pie, sweetie." Rarity chuckled nervously, glancing at Rainbow and Twilight, who silently nodded their heads. "Yes. Yes they - and we - would."

Pinkie squished her snout into her own neck, gasping loudly. "What? Why!? I try to be super duper nice, and love everypony, and tell them how special they are. I'm not faking it."

"But the thing is, Pinkie, you always wanna look out for the nice girls when rape dungeons are involved," Rainbow said. "It's like horror film one 'o one."

Pinkie sputtered on her own tongue. "B-b-but look at me. I'm the baking filly! I-"

"You're the cute fluffy baker who giggles, and everypony thinks is innocent." Twilight hung her forehooves off of the bed. "Which is a clear indication that you'd be the prime suspect if nopony else is odd. Maybe you repress all of your feelings of being pushed over, and then one day you snap, venting your anger through non-consensual sex."

Applejack wiggled uncomfortably away from Pinkie. "Erm... is this really a good thing to be talkin' about? Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut all the time around y'all. I can only work well one on one."

"It's better than Twilight being mad," Fluttershy said. "It's very awkward, but I'm getting used to this."

Pinkie had decided to make Fluttershy even more uncomfortable. She grabbed her, holding her up in the air by her sides like she was a pet cat that was being moved. "But Fluttershy is cute and nice. What about her, huh? How do you know she isn't a secret killer?"

Rainbow giggled loudly. "She's the hippie. The only thing she kills is the chip bags when she's high."

"And now I'm hungry," Twilight whimpered. She stared at the blanket underneath her, contemplating if she could consider chewing it for food. Sadly, she knew of no spell that could fix that.

"That explains why nopony wants to go in the basement with me..." Pinkie sniffled loudly, wiping away the budding tears in her eyes. "I... I just want to play games. Okay, I'd never hurt a pony, and blood makes me sick, but I just wanna play like I would. Is that so hard?"

Fluttershy sat down beside Pinkie, rubbing a hoof up and down her back. "I'll come to your dungeon. I'd really enjoy that."

"Oh my gosh, you will!?" Pinkie squeed.

Fluttershy glanced at Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Applejack. They nodded their heads vigorously, martyring Fluttershy to Pinkie like the good friends that they were. And it wasn't like she wouldn't enjoy the experience herself. It was why they didn't feel much guilt about abusing her innocence.

"I will," Fluttershy grinned, hugging Pinkie into her chest. "You and I can enjoy each other like nopony else would understand."

"Except... for... Twilight and Rarity?" Rainbow said.

Twilight's neck twitched as she stared at Rainbow. "It's not a rape dungeon," she said. "It's full of a wide range of devices for me to test-"

Twilight Sparkle had a moment of divine revelation. Or considering she was skeptical of the ability for any divine being to influence her shadow magic protected mind, a sudden kick of moral clarity.

She sat up, her tail coiling around her side as she adjusted herself. Her friends looked at her curiously, silently preparing themselves for some sort of devastation to be projected from Twilight's horn or for her to break down into tears.

"Did... did we just have a thorough and half joking discussion about rape dungeons, and how four of us might like the thoughts of semi-nonconsensual sex?"

For the first time in recent memory, the Elements of Harmony felt overwhelming guilt. It was an emotion they had thought they had lost, but a small part of the legendary heroines that they once were shined through their hearts once again.

For most likely a very short amount of time.

Applejack nodded slowly. "Y'all did. I just sat here, keepin' to myself. I enjoy the thought that I can enter the Summer Lands when I die, running with the herd of Fruits. I guess I'll not see y'all there, an' I was lookin' forward to spendin' the afterlife with my fillyfriends. Guess it's just me now."

Rarity looked solemnly at the floor. "May Tartarus damn our souls for eternity for what we have become," she whispered. "What monsters are we now? Realizing what dark desires are in our hearts, and yet joking about them? Who are we to consider ourselves heroines saying such foreboding things?"

Fluttershy and Pinkie's eyes watered as they contemplated what inner evils they had held in their souls had slowly begun to project themselves to the outside world. They had once been the happiest and purest ponies in Ponyville, and now they too were falling to the everlasting and growing darkness around them.

“I think we need to make a new Elements of Harmony rule,” Twilight said, cupping her forehooves together. “Things never go as planned with us. Ever. Whenever we do or say something in one way or another we screw up somepony or something in the process. Does anyone here disagree with that statement?"

"I think it is impossible to disagree with how vile we have become," Rarity said, squeezing Rainbow's shoulder. "It is the fault of no one but ourselves equally. The hardships we have faced have truly damaged our sanity and morality, and I believe it is time we talk to the princesses about this. It isn't that we shall refuse that call to arms from them, but to admit that we need help dealing with the stressors that it brings. In the end, my lovely fillies, we are simply mares who enjoy our simple lives. We are not warriors."

"Man, you really speak beautifully when you get philosophical like that," Rainbow said. "Like, for real."

Rarity smiled down at Rainbow, stroking a forehoof through her mane. "I am a mare who is fond of classical literature and poetry, Dash. It helps one cope with times like these."

Fluttershy exhaled quietly. "We all need to see therapists. Not me. Real therapists. I'll just... umm... let Applejack lead sessions if a therapist isn't here."

"I charge eighty bits an hour for each one of ya an' one on one is a hundred 'n ten," Applejack said. "Light snacks, water, and hay come with each visit. It's cheaper than what other quacks charge."

Pinkie bolted onto her hooves to stare down at Applejack. The incredibly rare emotion of anger was on her face as her eyes stabbed invisible knifes into Applejack's own.

"What kind of prices is that!? I didn't expect you to do it for free, but that much? Wow. Wow. I... if I could form a sentence entirely of naughty words to shout at you for your prices, I would!"

"Pinkie," Rainbow said, "it's you. You do things that aren't possible all the time."

"Thanks for reminding me, Rainbow." Pinkie pressed her forehoof into Applejack's chest. "Shit buck cock-a-doodle tit monster smegma pus. That's what I call your prices, Applejack. They're smegma pus I tell you!"

"Do you feel better?" Applejack stared flatly at Pinkie.

"I do in fact!" Pinkie giggled gaily as she twirled through the air, landing on her pillows. She rolled around contently like a dog. "Swearing is magic. You're the best therapist! I've been holding that in for years. Silly fillies, just because I'm me doesn't mean I don't have mental issues."

She stroked her chin with her tail. "Or... does it? That's so deep, me."

"I can't believe I used to have sex with her," Rainbow said. "I blame all of the toys she has under her bed."

Twilight snorted at the comment. "I'm going to be really honest here: I secretly enjoy watching you all do stupid things and fight, even when I'm rolling my eyes and groaning. That was about half of my fun yesterday, this morning, and pretty much ever since I've moved to Ponyville."

"We... we did kinda drag her around," Applejack said. "I think she kinda deserves that right, as dark as it is."

Rarity scoffed idly at her couch. "She did have that right yesterday. We all made buffoons out of ourselves and our promises to her."

Twilight shrugged. "It helps me cope by watching my friends yell at each other and not have to yell at you all myself. Maybe it just reminds me of how true my feelings were when I first moved here, and I realized everypony in town was crazy. I guess its come true after all of these years."

Rainbow Dash opened her muzzle, closed it, then opened it again. "I... wow. That's slightly dark of you, Twi'. I mean I enjoy schadenfreude and stuff sometimes too, but that's taking it way too far."

Applejack buried her muzzle underneath a pile of pillows, considering the very real temptation to end her own life. "Oh damn it, Rainbow, I didn't need to know you like that Germaney stuff. I... Twilight, I might need ya to wipe my mind. Now. Even a therapist needs her whiskey."

"It means laughing at other ponies' misfortune, Applejack," Rarity said. She looked at Rainbow quizzically. "And you surprise me with what words you know, Dash."

"Dude, it's like... such a common word to use," Rainbow chuckled.

"I am not a 'dude'." Rarity growled deeply at Rainbow, showing her teeth. "Do not call me one again."

Rainbow squeaked, her wings covering most of her muzzle. "D-d-dudette?"

Applejack perked up her ears, poking her muzzle from between her pillows. "Ya know, I like this word I can't pronounce when it involves Rainbow receiving it. Feels mighty... just."

Rarity's growling continued as she pressed her muzzle into Rainbow's.

"B-b-babe?" Dash mumbled.

Twilight inhaled calmly through her nose. "I needed that."

"Needed what?" Fluttershy said. "Rainbow's suffering? That's not nice, Twilight. But... umm... if it makes you happy you can like it."

Applejack turned toward Fluttershy in disbelief. "Where's your spine, girl? I know ya said ya only like to get involved when things go south, but they are goin' kinda south."

"If you didn't hear me earlier I get out my anger passively or aggressively." Fluttershy rolled Applejack over onto her back, staring down at her. "Would you like to see me do it aggressively again?"

"Passive," Applejack quivered. "Shadowfax's scrotum, passive, girl."

"To realize we are all insane in the membrane?" Pinkie chortled. "Look at us! Aren't we cute? We are, even when we are fighting."

Twilight nodded gently at Pinkie. "And… and if you want my thoughts on it? I think it’s really hilarious!”

Her chest began to heave as she burst out into a roaring thunder of hysterics. She rolled around on the bed, laughing as if she had heard the best joke in history.

“Like... how the planned Applejack and Rainbow kiss went way deeper than it was supposed to!”

“That was planned?” Rarity gasped, staring at Rainbow. “Certainly looked like an awful lot of improvising went on there. Could have fooled me.”

“W-w-well...” Rainbow squished her snout into her own neck meekly, a burning red matching Applejack's muzzle from across the room. “It was done to... you know... throw you off? Not think about what we were doing? And is Twilight going insane again?”

Twilight flailed her hooves as if she were falling from the sky, speaking Equish, Neightin, and incoherent gibberish at the same time. Tears streaked down her cheeks at the barking laughter pouring from her mouth interrupted her breathing patterns. And yet with every inhale, she squealed once more.

“Most likely,” Pinkie whimpered, thudding her snout onto the floor. "But this time she's a goner. Everypony, prepare your rumpholes for whatever tentacle monster Twilight is about to summon and put in there. I’ll miss you girls, because I think I have about two rounds left in me before I die.” She sniffled. “At least I had the best sex of my life beforehoof.”

Applejack couldn't help but smile as she nuzzled gently into Pinkie's cheek. "Aww, sugarcube. I was rusty as Hades, but that means more than a thousand apples to me that I made ya that happy. You were as lovely as I knew you'd be."

“Or when I was hitting on Pinkie Pie so hard I could have forced myself on her on the train!” Twilight had become a cackling, wheezing wreck by this point, eventually falling off the bed from her squealing. "It... it was priceless!"

Pinkie wrapped around Applejack needingly, burying her muzzle into her stout neck. “And I’m gonna be the first pony she uses. I don’t know if I should be happy or scared that she likes me like that. Can I be both? Why do I have rapidly cycling cyclothymia?” Pinkie burst out into tears, sobbing herself raw into Applejack’s neck.

Fluttershy had leaped underneath Rarity’s and Rainbow’s tails, taking half of the sheets of the couch with her to escape the madness consumed Twilight screaming herself raw at an invisible joke. “What do we do? I’m scared. I've never seen Twilight like this!”

“Or… or when you four were making out with each other. And Applejack and I were just… watching!” Twilight was hitting octave ranges that even Pinkie Pie struggled to reach consistently, slamming her body and limbs on the floor as if she were having a seizure.

Rainbow shook her head, her wing holding onto Rarity’s side as she held her tightly against her thick coat. “Prepare, Fluttershy,” she said somlemly. “Prepare.”

Applejack’s green eyes scanned her four coherent friends quickly as she stroked through Pinkie’s mane. Her ears perked up, a confident, Twilight-like grin going across her muzzle.

“Alright. I got a plan. What we have to do, is when she stops, we have to hit her on the horn. Knock her out like we did before.” Her friends nodded in unison. “We’ll just have to think of somethin’ after as to why we did it. Not important right now. We-”

I just had an orgasm!”

Reborn by her baptism of overly stimulated organs, Twilight shrieked as she pressed the lower half of her body underneath the bed, her muzzle as red as an exploding star.

All five of her friends screamed at the sudden shout, causing them to leap into the air and slam into one another, sending them tumbling down onto the ground in a pony pile of mismatched colors and limbs. Tails and frames merged together to form a broken sheet of color, forming a scrap pile of fear stricken and twitching ponies.

All that was heard in the room was the panting of six very confused mares.

Five of them pulled themselves apart meekly to look at their catatonic, half drooling, twitching leader that had slithered everything under her stomach underneath the bed. They stared at her in a vortex of fear, perplexment, and dare they admit it, curiosity.

In the defense of her berserk cackling and sudden howl, Twilight let out a trained, shy, red cheeked squee. It was the best she could do, in addition to curling her forehooves toward her chest. Whatever former madness that had consumed her before was replaced by the innocence she once had. Again. It was a good enough facade to have fooled most ponies. Including herself.

Her left eye twitched. “T-t-too much pressure on the stomach and hamstrings. M-m-muscle contraction. Stress. Laughed it off. Went insane. Feel better. Oh gosh my tail. Oh buck I feel so high right now. Is this what you all felt like this morning? Give me forty five minutes? Maybe an hour? Shower sounds nice, and maybe a bit more. Food would be nice. I’ll be better!"

Fluttershy grinned. It was the kind of grin that Fluttershy should never, ever do.

It spread across her muzzle slowly, tracing across the corners of her lips as her wings snapped rigidly by the sides of her frame. Her eyes glowed as she looked down at Twilight, licking her lips like she had suddenly decided to be an omnivore.

Pinkie shuffled backwards as Fluttershy's wings sprang to life, stabbing a hoof at them in defiance. "Ahha! You think you can hit me in the eye again. I have grown used to your tricks, wings and/or random objects!"

"Would you mind if I join you in the shower, Twilight?" Fluttershy trilled. "I would really, really like that."

Twilight had for the briefest moment thought that her once serene and gentle nature had returned to her kindred soul. She was going to embrace it. Let it consume her heart and return her to her former glory. To the great mare she once was.

The seductive glimmer in Fluttershy's eyes broke her.

"No other mare I'd want with me, Fluttershy," Twilight nickered lustfully.

Rainbow's wings flapped slowly as she looked down at her friends. "So... should we leave you two-"

"Well I'm really enjoying looking at your pelvis right now, Rainbow," Twilight purred. "There's room for one more in the shower. You have a fantastically toned barrel."

"You take up that offer and you are never having sex with me again," Rarity spat at Rainbow.

"A bit protective much?" Applejack said, raising her eyebrow.

"Shut up, Applejack," Rarity hissed.

Applejack shrugged. "May Tartarus take y'all after all."

Epic... Epilogue? Part Three: Goodbye Reality

View Online

It took more then an hour and a half for everything to return to normal after the Elements of Harmonys' last fight; as normal as hungover, sex depleted, drug deprived, emotionally unstable, and morally bankrupt heroines could be. It had been over a day and a half since their controversial adventure had begun, and perhaps at last it would finally begin to wind down. There was only so much their mortal bodies could take in such a short amount of time.

Then again, they had battled gods and demons orders of magnitude more powerful than themselves, and so their bodies had a damn good track record of surviving the impossible, even when they wish they didn't.

With pub fries, mini pizzas, gallons of water, onion rings, a dozen salads, and another dozen desserts of all shapes and sizes inside of their stomachs, they looked... happy. Binge eating tended to make one happy.

And then immediately regret it later. It was the new running mantra for everything that they did.

Thankfully, they all held jobs that they didn't get fired from easily, and they all happened to have been exceptional in their fields of expertise. Fate loved to support it's chosen children. It didn't help that they were all easy on the eyes, and had very enjoyable views from behind.

Despite their better judgement - which considering their recent circumstances had needed to adjust its perception of itself - they returned to Fluttershy's and Twilight's room, making sure to crank up the air purifier to a moderately high setting. The smell of Magic in the air was one they had all had enough of for one week. Instead, the smell of consumed food was a good enough aroma mixed in with a bit of purified oxygen. It was the only purified chemical left in the room, and it too was forced into their lungs, never to be clean again.

Twilight and Fluttershy had claimed the main bed once more, with the additional company of Applejack receiving the right to lay by them, due to her outstanding character in the recent two days' drama. It wasn't saying much.

Twilight rested on her side with a quill and a real pad of paper beside her, as she often tended to do. Her posture was like everypony else's in the room: That of physical and mental fatigue. The recent roller coaster of events had begun to blur together to them all, and it was a very lovely ride to be on. They were running on the fumes of whatever food they could cram down their stomachs.

Applejack leaned on her, back to back, perhaps in a subconscious attempt to rectify her perceived abandonment of Twilight the night before. Her mane half sprawled over Twilight's frame as a make shift blond blanket. Considering that Applejack had supermodel enviable blond hair when it was clean, it was a damn fine blanket.

Fluttershy had curled herself up into a butter colored ball at the end of the bed, quietly giggling to the equally giggling Pinkie Pie, despite Pinkie looking half pregnant with all of the food inside of her.

The two 'love birds' of the room, if Twilight wished to get a hoot out of seeing their reactions, had once again reclaimed their sofa bed. It was impossible to miss the little signs that were pointing to how Rainbow and Rarity had made a connection the day before that had stuck, even if they denied it. It was the very faint ways in which Rarity's hoof tip pressed its edge on the curvature of Rainbow's neck as they both laid on their sides. Or the way that Rainbow's tail rested over Rarity's exposed hind legs. It was those little things that two friends baring family members resting together would not do.

It made a part of Twilight's soul die at how cute they were. Even her darker side whimpered. It was not immune to cuteness, as much as it wished it was. She was a secret romantic, and it pleased her so.

It also confirmed that the three years in Ponyville and all of the hidden therapy sessions she went to managing her Aspergers had slowly paid off. She loved spiting the doctors who told her parents she wouldn't make it far, or wouldn't make it outside of Canterlot.

Oh how wrong they were.

And how most of them had lost their jobs after she fought Sombra was a satisfaction she would never tire of. It was a request to Celestia that was more than earned.

"Before we begin," Twilight chimed, "we have two things we need to talk about, now that we have eaten, and might be a little bit more sane. The first: Did you all know it's already three thirty? Do we plan on doing anything tonight? Or... catching a train home?"

The other Elements of Harmony glanced at each other silently, pondering the proposition given to them. It seemed like the right and sensible thing to do.

They shook their heads.

"Good!" Twilight smiled. "An unanimous vote on not doing anything and throwing the consequences of our laziness until tomorrow. I am sure you are proud of this, Rainbow Dash."

"It's worked for me all the time," Rainbow said, scratching at her chest fur. "And come on, I think we plan on taking a nap after this meeting anyways." She yawned loudly, snapping her jaws together. "I've eaten too friggin much, and not exercised enough, but... I'm too lazy to fix that right now."

"I agree on the laziness," Applejack said. "I don't feel like doin' anything, and that's not somethin' I say a lot. A good day or two of sleepin' sounds mighty fine right now."

"So what's the second thing you wanna talk about?" Rainbow said.

Twilight closed her eyes contently. "I had three incredible, long, powerful, wet orgasms in the shower with Fluttershy; and I feel really, really good right now. If you are wondering why I sound a bit weird, it's because Fluttershy's tongue made mine a bit sore. Sex is as absolutely amazing as you all said it was. I didn't even know I had that much vaginal fluid inside of me! If I didn't respect Fluttershy's privacy I would tell you all about it, and what future studies I plan on doing. For advice, of course."

Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow, and Pinkie groaned at the images in their heads. Their groaning was countered by the glare of Twilight's eyes radiating purple magic.

"I had to listen to you four this morning, so the least I can do is say that I enjoyed my first sexual experience. I'm much calmer than I was before, but deal with me talking about it for a minute. Deal, with, it."

"And no complaining about it," Fluttershy growled. "Be lucky you..." She exhaled softly. "Be lucky we love you all so very, very much."

"Which we do." Twilight nodded gently at Fluttershy. "As much as they drive us crazy."

"They helped us get out more and be less awkward." Fluttershy smiled. "We owe them a lot for that."

With her friends folding their ears in acceptance, Twilight hummed softly, flicking her tail up and down in silent victory. She was happy to let her tail show her triumph and quiet revenge for all of the suffering her friends had put her through. She simply basked in the victory of seeing them submissive to her words and actions, knowing that she was in the right. She felt like a general enjoying the sight of seeing their enemies placated at their hooves.

A content little wiggle of her rump escaped her conscious control. She felt extremely gay at the moment; to the point she feared she would gain a lisp if she became too excited for her own good. It wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world, as she had a very adorable voice, and could have pulled off the ultra feminine filly look if she tried well enough. Her giggle was a sound of legends.

Life, if only fleeting, was very bucking good for Twilight Shimmering Sparkle.

"Time for part two of the Pussy Parley," Twilight tittered, letting her innocent side come out. She instantly noticed how all of her friends - even Fluttershy - were put off by the glee in her voice. They were clearly both deeply concerned she was going to snap again, or wondering if her former kindness had returned. She didn't know herself. All she knew was that she had the sudden urge to be in a Neighpanese infomercial. Maybe her own adorkableness was getting to her.

She made a mental note to learn the language in the near future. It could come in use.

"So how about we start with you two, Miss Dash and 'Gemma'," Twilight giggled. She caught the poisonous glance that Fluttershy gave her, now aware that Twilight was encroaching on her cuteness. She glanced back with only a wink. By the way Fluttershy's wings twitched, she was not amused by Twilight stepping into her nest.

Rainbow's right wing extended over Rarity's frame, only confirming Twilight's thoughts by Dash's Pegasi' physical protectiveness kicking in. It didn't stop the hiccup of shock that escaped Rainbow's muzzle at the question directed at her. Nor did it stop the slowly growing blushes that traced themselves over Rarity and Rainbow's muzzles.

Twilight continued to play the evil overlord. "So," she grinned, "Fluttershy and Pinkie said you were pretty much dancing like maniacs last night and brought the club down. I, want, details. Lots of them. Applejack and I deserve to hear them, since we won our bet."

"Twilight, you aren't cool enough to say somepony brought the club 'down'," Rainbow said. "I'm just gonna say that, as the coolest mare in here."

"I could make you go 'down' on me right now, Rainbow." Twilight loved the feeling of her lips curling in delight at the sudden explosion of emotions on Rainbow's muzzle. "I'm not sure it would feel good for either of us, but it would be a good show of your submissive side to everypony here."

"Nice critical hit on Rainbow's ego." Pinkie clopped her forehooves together. "Excellent, Twilight. Excellent."

"Pinkie!" Rainbow dug her hind legs into her mattress, her cheeks burning brightly at the unwanted attention directed at her.

"Rainbow gives wonderful cunnilingus," Fluttershy rumbled. "You'll be very happy if you two decide to do that, Rarity."

Rainbow whimpered. "F-F-Fluttershy! Stop. Don't get into this!"

Rarity idly filed her forehoof. "Oh no, please continue, sweeties. I don't mind her sharing 'intimate' details if I get to see her squirming this much. Although I have only glimpsed at her softer side, I am enjoying what I am seeing. Her fluffy coat just hides what is underneath her muscles, no?"

"I am really startin' to enjoy this smackenfruiter thing." Applejack let the evil grin across her muzzle stay there. She was immune to the rage that swirled in Rainbow's eyes. "I shouldn't, but Eisenhower's erection I am. For all the jokes Rainbow makes about us, it's the least we can shoot back at her."

"I..." She was beat on all sides. All five of Rainbow's closest friends were teaming up on her for revenge against everything she had said and done in the last two days.

She wasn't meant for this. She was supposed to project an aura of female dominance, coolness, and confidence. And here she was, being pushed into a corner, and yet her fighting instinct had decided to go on a vacation instead of helping her out. She could feel bits of sweat collect underneath her skin at the peer pressure; and yet no matter how hard she tried, she could not strum up her assertive side.

Rainbow hated her parents for giving her a fluffy coat that contradicted everything else that she strived to be. She wasn't a secret pansy on the inside. She just had gentler days.

The logic satisfied her for the moment.

"Damn it," she mumbled, "fine! Jeez. You win!" She looked at Twilight sheepishly. "Rarity and I had... like... the best dance off in the history of the universe last night. We just channeled everything that happened yesterday into our hooves and it just... went off. I don't really have the vocabulary to describe it though, even if I tried. I'm not that kind of mare."

"I, however, can remedy that," Rarity said. "After all of the stress that I went through, and all of that planning that went to Tartarus in a hay basket, by the time Rainbow and I got into our little hissy fit last night I needed a way to vent. The dancing was that way to vent."

Pinkie nodded, dragging herself across the floor beside Fluttershy. "And all of that fighting made me and Fluttershy make out a lot and need to vent too. But then Fluttershy passed out by the time we got to our room, so we couldn't do anything."

Fluttershy glared at Pinkie sharply.

"It's not your fault you can't drink as much as me." Pinkie threw up her forehooves. "I'm not blaming you!"

"You kinda are," Rainbow chuckled. "I'm just saying. It's not something you do often, but you kinda are."

Rarity prodded her forehoof into Rainbow's neck. "Now dear, don't be too hasty about it and read into things that aren't there."

Pinkie grumbled quietly to herself, folding her arms across her chest. She perked up quickly, her eyes glowing as she looked over her friends. "But at least everything went better than expected! We all got laid, even though we almost killed each other."

"Is... that sayin' much?" Applejack said, raising her eyebrow. "Cause I don't think that's sayin' very much myself. I was expecting the apocalypse by about half way through the night as y'all got worse. And this mornin'? I don't even wanna talk about it."

"And yet we have survived the anarchy and are still here," Rarity said. "And the whole ordeal has shown me a few things about us."

She rested her lightly curled tail on top of Rainbow's own, smiling sweetly at her. Her smile grew at the blush that graced across Rainbow's muzzle.

"I think Twilight and Applejack may have been right. Maybe I need a pony who can tell me when I am diving into the drama abyss and help me let myself loose in more manageable ways. And maybe Rainbow Dash needs a pony who can give her a bit of order in her life."

"If it's sex then isn't Rainbow amazing!?" Pinkie tittered. "That'll totally make you less of a bi-"

Fluttershy shoved her forehoof into Pinkie's muzzle. "Go ahead, Rarity, even if what Pinkie says is true."

Rarity stared blankly at Fluttershy. "Am I really that bad?"

Fluttershy looked away meekly, covering her muzzle with a wing. "I... umm... really love you, Rarity, and while you are nice to me a lot, you can be that too. You can get very pretentious and self-righteous sometimes."

Twilight chuckled nervously, twirling her quill. "What... Fluttershy said."

"Eeeyup." Applejack nodded. "Not as bad as Dasha, but-"

"But most importantly," Rarity said loudly, "Dash needs a pony who has the commitment to help her love herself, even when her friends tell her how much of a bitch she is. She seems to constantly doubt herself, most likely from the mixed messages her 'friends' send to her."

She nickered dismissively, wrapping her forearm around Rainbow's shoulder. "I officially now know how you feel, Rainbow, and it is horrendous."

"I know right?" Rainbow groaned. "Don't you wanna tell them to blow it out their asses sometimes? They don't get that we show them love differently. We mean the best, you know? We're just misunderstood."

"There, there, dear." Rarity stroked her hoof through Rainbow's mane, rubbing her cheek into Rainbow's own. "They simply don't understand us, no matter how hard we try. We are under-appreciated for what sacrifices we have made for them."

"Like all of the money we could have made by leaving Ponyville." Rainbow rubbed her snout gently into Rarity's neck. "You and I would be loaded."

"Exactly," Rarity hummed. "We'd be so famous if we didn't stay here. And all of the time we'd have back if we didn't help them. I could have learned how to play tennis. Or badminton. Or piano."

"And I... uhh... I already have a lot of free time, so I'd just slack off more." Rainbow shrugged. "Sorry, I got nothing that time."

Rarity poked Rainbow's nose, giggling to herself as Rainbow squished her muzzle into her own neck. "You'd be more independently awesome without having to worry about them. I must tell you: Worrying about them has kept me up at night sometimes."

Rainbow nodded. "And the only way you can relax is to clop off since you're always paranoid you aren't doing enough to make them happy; or that they really don't like you but won't say it."

"Exactly!" Rarity hugged Rainbow tightly, ignoring the gurgling chokes of Rainbow's attempts to breathe. "Sometimes it is the only way I can deal with the stressors of wondering about my fillyfriends. I-"

"Are ya two done hammin' up the stage?"

Rarity and Rainbow looked at their four friends staring at them angrily.

Applejack folded her forehooves across her chest. "Are ya two done brownnosin' each other and lookin' down at us like we're rock farmers?"

"Yeah," Pinkie grunted. "We're not-hey!" Pinkie growled at Applejack. "I take offense to that!"

Twilight shook her snout. "I never thought they would go together like this, but maybe having them reinforce their own egos would make them work well as a couple too. Or maybe make me legitimately consider punching both of them, which could be a pleasure all by itself."

Applejack rested her forehoof across Twilight's back. "Ain't violence fun?"

"We're not a couple," Rainbow said. "I'm... I'm not sure what we are."

She glanced quietly at Rarity, concerned she would be scolded for her word choice. The smile and faint nod that Rarity gave her made her smile in return.

"We're much closer friends for sure," she continued. "We put a lot of ourselves out there dancing, and well... I think we liked what we saw. We're not sisters from a different mother like you and me, AJ, but... we'll just wing it and see what happens."

Fluttershy lifted up her muzzle from her forehooves, closing her eyes contently. "And that's the best thing you can do, Dashie. Just see what happens, and don't regret anything. We're still the best of friends despite not being together after Flight School, and you and Pinkie are still friends too."

Twilight smiled at Fluttershy. She could feel it. She could feel her old self returning by the lovely peace that was beginning to rebuild itself after their day long escapade. It was wiggling down her neck. It was causing her withers to clench in delight.

Or it could have been Fate pinching a feel for Twilight's purple pudgy plot.

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Twilight said. "I'm not sure what Fluttershy and I will become, if it was a one time fling, or what Applejack and I will be either, but come what may, we'll still be the best of friends!"

"I'm sure it won't be as interesting as Rarity and Rainbow though," Fluttershy giggled.

"'Interesting?'" Pinkie bounced excitedly. "They'll be the greatest soap opera ever!"

Rarity and Rainbow were not amused by Pinkie's words. Their scowls united as one, crunching their snouts together in disapproval.

"Lovely bit of confidence you have for us, Pinkie." Rarity's eyes were small slits of glowing dark blue as she bored into Pinkie's own. "I'll make sure to return the favor for whatever endeavor you set yourself on."

"Yeah," Rainbow snorted, blowing out a jet of air from her nose. "Thanks, Pinks. Way to be a puffy plothole there. Even I'd not make that joke."

"Oh that is so not true," Applejack chuckled. "That-"

"Shut up, Applejack," Rarity and Rainbow said in unison.

"We've abused you a lot today, Applejack," Twilight said. "I feel sorry for you."

"Thank you for your everlastin' support," Applejack deadpanned. "Ya have always been here for me, Twi'."

Twilight faintly glared at Applejack. "Sarcasm is not appreciated, Applejack."

"No, no, no." Pinkie jumped onto Rarity's and Rainbow's bed, pressing herself between them. "You don't get it. I mean with the hot bodies, and the sex, and the making out, and the business mergers. The good stuff." She stroked her chin. "Although Rarity would make a good murderer, and Rainbow could always be the abusive boyfriend that threatens people who gets in her way."

"So how did it feel with Applejack's hoof up your rear, Pinkie?" Rainbow said.

Twilight frowned at Rainbow's retort. It was a shock that it was such a mild emotion compared to everything else that had happened throughout the day. Maybe she was becoming mildly reasonable. Hopefully.

"Now you didn't have to say it like that, Rainbow," Twilight said. "We-"

"It felt great!" Pinkie squeed, throwing her hooves into the air. "It makes me happy and my rumphole hurt just thinking about it. Man, Dashie, she's talented-"

Applejack used her years of rodeo practice to propel herself into Pinkie Pie, passing on her family's tradition of physically assaulting a pony who knew too much about their sex lives. Her mass multiplied by her steel bending hips launched her at Pinkie, sending both of them slamming to the ground with a loud thud.

"It was-" Applejack's words were interrupted by the thunderous belch that escaped from Pinkie's snout at the air in her stomach being released. Applejack quickly placed her rump on top of Pinkie to silence any further sounds. "It was a lovely time. Really! Fine. Really fine."

"You could have totally killed Pinkie with that tackle," Rainbow said, leaning over her couch. "Or Rarity. Or Pinkie now, since you weigh more than the Haylin Wall did. I'm just saying, you may need to be more honest with your lesbianism."

Rarity looked between Rainbow, Pinkie, and Applejack, slowly blinking in shock. "Well that escalated quickly. I must agree with Rainbow in that you need to have a through discussion with yourself, Applejack, and accept that you enjoyed your time with Pinkie."

"So, Fluttershy," Applejack laughed, sweat dripping down her cheek, "how-"

"I had a really great time with Twilight this morning," Fluttershy said, "and I will not hold any grudges if you and Twilight decide to get together. I'm not really sure if I am looking for a relationship right now, even if Twilight would be really high on that list. And you all might need me if you decide to start dating each other."

She smiled gently at Twilight, receiving a soft giggle in return. "But this isn't about me, since you've decided to take center stage." She winked playfully at Rarity.

"You aren't dodging this one, Applejack," Rarity gleamed, swishing her tail excitedly. "Come now, dear. Did you really enjoy yourself? And what is the status of your... 'relationship'? Things have become quite different recently. Do tell what is going on."

Applejack bit her bottom lip, but it only added to the dark pleasure that her friends were getting at seeing her squirm. The grins across their muzzles made her feel like she had just farted in the middle of a town meeting.


"Big words, Applejack," Twilight giggled. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow joined in on the giggling. They were the best of friends.


"You know they are only gonna make it worse for you if you don't tell us," Rainbow snorted. "You're kinda cute like this."


Applejack knew that she was stronger than Pinkie Pie in every way physically.

Except for one.

And that happened to have been Pinkie rescuing her oxygen supply by dragging her tongue straight up Applejack's crotch.

"Stalin's shitty sphincter, it was amazing, and she can molest me whenever she wants!"

Applejack flew into the air as if she had wings, landing on top of Fluttershy's and Twilight's bed with a shivering whimper rolling out of her mouth. She held onto Fluttershy's and Twilight's tails tightly, stroking them for any reassurance of her mortality.

"She was amazing. Ya... ya don't know what it's like till ya feel her tongue inside of ya. It's... it's..."

"Did... Applejack just break physics?" Rainbow said. "I mean... Pinkie and I do that all the time, but... wow. And Pinkie's tongue is pretty-"

"And that's enough of the thought and sight of Pinkie's tongue anywhere," Rarity said, filing her hoof once more. It was a good distraction from her mind having to process even slightly seeing what Pinkie's tongue did.

Pinkie sat up as if nothing had happened, which tended to be a common thing she did when something socially unacceptable happened either around her or directly because of her. She licked her lips slowly, pulling her tongue into her mouth with a loud snap. "Mmm. Applejack. Tasty."

Twilight pulled her tail from Applejack's hooves. "So... is that a yes that you two are dating?"

"No," Applejack gulped, "but I think I might have to go to her twice a month just let myself loose. She has... talents."

"Would you like to hear about what Rainbow's wings can do to your body instead of what I don't want to hear about Pinkie's tongue?" Rarity said.

Twilight's ears perked up as she turned toward Rarity. "Ohh." Twilight squeed, digging her hooves into her mattress. "Now this is something I want to hear! Sex advice from the sex experts. Go on..."

Pinkie sat beside Fluttershy, stroking down her back. "We have taught Twilight well in our ways of the squee, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy giggled. "Rainbow's is pretty adorable too."

"Because we never really finished that subject." Rarity put down her hoof filer, smiling calmly at Twilight. "And I have to tell you that-"

Rainbow covered Rarity's muzzle with her hoof, the blush across her snout nearly matching the pink of Pinkie's fur. "What the hay are you doing!? They forgot about that!"

Rarity shoved Rainbow's hoof away from her face. "Changing the topic," Rarity hissed. "Not only do we owe Twilight, but the last thing I want to think about is what you and your ex-"

"-ex ex ex. Tesla, and Thunderlane bolted too early-"

Pinkie giggled. "Oh the irony!"

"-whatever," Rarity said, "did to Applejack. So I'd rather share something more civilized."

"Hey!" Pinkie glared at Rarity. "I'm just a fondling filly who has a talent for plot parties. You can't keep my Pink Puffy Pie still!"

The room was silent after Pinkie spoke.

Rainbow's lip twitched. "Don't laugh at Pinkie's awful sentence. Don't laugh at Pinkie's awful sentence."

She failed at controlling her impulse, which wasn't a shock, considering she laughed at pretty much everything.

She fell off of her couch, tears dripping down her cheeks as she pounded her hooves onto the floor.

The other Elements of Harmony attempted to control themselves as well, repressing the gurgling giggles that built up in their throats. They too, failed, bursting out into a torrent of laughter and disregarding any sort of restraint at such a simple vulgar wordplay making them smile.

Perhaps they would be able to return home the next morning to continue on with their lives normally after all, fondly remembering the series of unfortunate events that had led them to where they were currently. They would forgive each other for showing off the other sides of their personalities that had been hidden away due to years of stress, and grow together as friends, accept their faults, their bouts of immaturity, and realize that maybe, just maybe, they were simply normal young mares who had been given extraordinary responsibilities.

It was not to be. Fate was that much of a schmuck.

By the time they had settled down their random burst of euphoria into tired coos of delight, a long piece of paper had been slid under their door. It was a thick and dense piece of papyrus that curled in on itself innocently, waiting to be picked up.

"And here comes the bill that is certainly about to give me a minor stroke," Rarity sighed loudly, her horn lighting up to pick up the scroll. "But alas, we deal with what we must in life."

"Has anypony here wondered why security hasn't thrown us out yet?" Rainbow said. "I mean... we almost killed each other and everything. You'd think the shouting would have done that a couple of hours ago."

"I think Equestria knows by now to just let us solve ourselves," Applejack chuckled, sprawling over the bed. "We're kinda known as a six headed wreakin' ball, and making us look bad ain't a great way to make the princesses like ya."

"Royal favor at its finest," Twilight thrummed. "I'm not a fan of political corruption and manipulation, but when it comes to us, I'm a bit more relaxed about it."

Rarity unfolded the bill, her hoof swooping over Twilight. "Mares and Gentlecolts: The exceptional morality of Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight sat up proudly, coiling her tail around her side. "I am a firm believer, like Applejack, in that protecting one's herd is the most important objective in life, and I consider you all to be a part of my herd."

"I thought it was friendship?" Fluttershy said. "Isn't that what we're about?"

Rainbow burst into the air. "No, I got it! Science! Twilight is all about science and logic as the best things ever."

"Please do not make me question my statement's order of precedence with my other core values," Twilight said calmly.

Pinkie threw her forehoof into the air sharply. "So let's support our Supreme Lead-"

"I'm not letting you pay for all of that," Rainbow said, swooping down to pull the bill from Rarity's magic. It was also a good distraction for Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity to mind rape Pinkie for her slip of the tongue with their eyes.

Pinkie quivered in fear. And lust.

"You, of all ponies, are offering to pay the bill?" Rarity said, blinking up at Rainbow. "I thought we called last night-"

"-and this morning-"

"-and this morning-"

"-and the shower-"

"-and the shower even?" Rarity pulled the bill away from Rainbow's grip. "Things did go overboard and who knows what kind of damages I must pay, but a promise is a promise, and I am going to keep it. Just don't expect any discounts with anything I make any time soon."

Twilight tugged gently onto the note with her own magic, half wanting to see the charges, and half wanting to troll with Rarity's grip. The expected stare from Rarity amused Twilight in both innocent and not innocent ways. "Rainbow is right. Everything got way out of hoof, and if we can help, then we will."

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy whimpered, "but I've spent most of mine recently on animal rescue missions in Zebrica. It makes me feel better knowing I make drugs for a good cause."

"And I'm a baker," Pinkie said. "Money? I spend it all on parties to make ponies laugh. And coke of course!"

Her friends turned to look at her not with concern, but in sudden understanding.

"I was joking. Sheesh. I am a drug."

"An' as awful as it sounds, I don't exactly have several thousand bits layin' around outside of emergencies," Applejack said. "I give a lot of it to my kin who need to be helped out."

"Or you just suck at managing your money," Rainbow cackled. "Seriously, make your barn out of steel like everypony else in the world does. It'll-"

"So that leaves Rainbow Dash and me then," Twilight said. She ignored how Applejack had pulled Rainbow onto her bed and pinned her down, yanking on her mane with her teeth. "While being a librarian doesn't exactly bring in much of an income, I can always blackmail Celestia by saying I need the money to help expand a section of the library."

Fluttershy extended her wing over Twilight's back. "I don't think you can ever say we do things that are morally bad ever again, Twilight."

"Indeed." Rarity raised her eyebrow, glancing at the wrestling match that Applejack and Rainbow had decided to randomly get into. She just let them be themselves. "I fear I am more worried about you being exceedingly calm than I am seeing you maniacal, Twilight. Maybe you have taken your lessons on relaxing too much to heart."

"It's just an incredible dopamine high and drain," Twilight said, her magic tugging the bill toward her. "Maybe I'm so clearheaded I'm not clearheaded at all right now. But I feel great! And Celestia has personal assets worth over one billion bits anyways."

"No," Rainbow growled. She swooped in to pull the paper from Twilight's magical grip, her magenta eyes staring down at her friends. "I've got this. I've caused most of this, and it'll make me feel good that I've helped pay for something for once."

Pinkie gasped loudly. "Rainbow has... a heart! Well okay, she always did, but I told you all she can be nice sometimes."

"She's never nice to me," Applejack growled. "How about ya pay for my barn then, ya-"

Pinkie landed on top of Applejack's back, kneading her forehooves into her spine. "Relax, Jackie. You're like the farmer version of Twilight. You have to deal with us because... uhh... we... love... you?"

Twilight rubbed her horn faintly. "Oww. Give me a bit of a warning before you pull something away from me, Rainbow?"

Dash stuck out her tongue playfully. "As long as it's under six grand, I should be good. I spent the rest on my new sound system, guitar amps, and the new flat screen downstairs."

"Hold on, Rainbow. Where did you get that kind of money? I know you don't have a mortgage because your father helped build your house, but being a lead weathermare for Ponyville doesn't pay anywhere near what it would in Canterlot. Unless you are somehow a fiscal conservative and I didn't know it."

"I'm actually a libratarian-socialist-"

Twilight propelled herself into Rainbow, tackling her mid-air onto the ground with the widest grin that anypony had ever seen on Twilight's snout. "Really!?"

She squeed so loudly the other Elements of Harmony winced at the sound cutting through their ears. "You and I need to discuss-"

"-where Rainbow Dash got several thousand bits that she is throwing about willy nilly," Rarity stated. "And stop being adorable, Twilight! It... it physically hurts me."

Applejack and Pinkie giggled like schoolgirls as they looked at Rarity.

Rarity stared back at them. "What's so funny?"

"W-willy nilly?" Applejack chortled. "Are ya Granny Smith now, Rarity?"

"Piss off, Applejack. Is that better?"

"J-j-just writing stuff for sports magazines!" Rainbow chuckled nervously. "I'm nationally known for speed ya know? A-and I got sponsors 'n stuff. So they pay me a crap ton for it."

"So ya get paid to sit down and just talk about yourself?" Applejack grunted. "Ya have the easiest damn life, mare."

"I'm sure they pay you some," Fluttershy said, "but you've told me you don't want to compete and get sponsors until you get into the Wonderbolts, because you want to be 'doubly famous'. I'm... I'm not sure that's a thing, Rainbow."

"But can't we talk about politics?" Twilight whimpered. "That's more interesting than Rainbow's private and public air shows."

Pinkie snorted. "Heh. Dash does private 'shows'. Rarity will like that!"

"Ohh..." Rarity stroked her chin, slowly licking her lips. "Now that is an idea I should have thought of hours ago. Thank you, Pinkie."

"What the hay, Rarity." Applejack prodded Rarity's side to shake her from her daydream. "Ya poke fun of Twilight for gettin' all political an' now ya're thinkin' about fashion?"

"There is always a time for fashion compared to politics," Rarity huffed. "Always. No exceptions."

Pinkie shivered loudly. "Eww... even fashion has a rule thirty four? What is wrong with ponies?"

"And I didn't do 'those' kind of shows to ponies!" Rainbow stumbled on her words, the blush across her muzzle growing with every passing second. "I-I-I-was with my dad! Yeah! Like Twilight said. I wanted to do some renovations to my house, but I lied, and will totally pay him back later for it."

"Tell us the damn truth, Rainbow." Applejack towered over her, her muzzle pressed into Rainbow's own. "Get it out now. Cause if ya did somethin' stupid, the sooner we can fix it, the sooner I can beat you up afterwards and realize I’m just beating a dead horse just to beat one.”

"That sentence was awful grammatically, Applejack," Rarity said. "Horrendous."

"I think Applejack's mad because Rainbow doesn't like her barn," Fluttershy said.

"I posed for Playcolt!” Rainbow cried. "There! Are you happy?"

"Holy buck!" Pinkie gasped, "I really am psychic. But I already knew that too. So I'm..." Her ears folded meekly. "I'm confused."

“You did what!?” Rarity screamed. Her voice physically knocked back the other Elements as the veins on her head twitched rapidly. “You posed for Playcolt? Why?! How? How did you get in? When? What were you thinking?”

Rainbow curled her forehooves toward her chest as she laid on her back on the floor, mentally attempting to project an image that she was showing far more courage than she really was. "I-I-I was thinking about the ten grand they paid me,” Rainbow said.

Fluttershy blinked rapidly. "I'd pose for Playcolt for ten thousand bits. That's a lot of money."

"Fluttershy!" Rarity howled.

"Twenty?" Fluttershy cried, hiding behind Pinkie.

Applejack whistled. "Well shit, I'd do it for five, a great lunch 'n dinner, four whiskeys, and a threesome with the two best lookin' colts there. If they are filmin' it we'll talk about commissions. Every extra colt is four hundred a head 'n another percent. Mares are six fifty 'n two percent."

"Applejack?" Rarity gawked. "How could you be so... base!?"

"It's called a golden business opportunity." Applejack nodded her head sagely. "And a buck ton of fun. Or... a white opportunity when I think on it. If ya got connections, Dasha, put'em here."

"What Applejack said!" Pinkie squeed. "She's a good business pony sometimes."

"Now that sounds like our next party." Twilight laughed, falling on top of Applejack. "I am up for that, now that I know how incredible sex is. And with a whole bunch of studs? Who can turn down us?"

"And now Twilight is involved in this?" Rarity screeched, her voice cracking. "What is... I... I don't..."

Applejack bit her bottom lip. "Erm... I just meant myself, and Princess Celestia would kill ya if she saw ya covered in white, Twilight."

"Damn it, Applejack." Twilight's frame sagged as she stared at the floor. "Now you just ruined my mood."

Rainbow flared her nostrils at Rarity. She could win this. She now had the support of her four other friends. “And come on, posing for them is easy. 'Hey, go to that rock. Now lift yourself up. Dunk your head underwater. Move your tail to the side. Cross your legs. Show and rub your teats. Fly a bit harder. Perk up your butt. Grind against that cloud. Rub yourself until you squirt.”

With a furious crackle of energy, Rarity pulled Rainbow up with her magic, hovering her in the air and more than purposely exposing her bit maker to the other four Elements in the room.

Rarity's lips quivered as she studied Rainbow, her snout twitching around the corners in minor seizures that had to have been aging her face. “Rub yourself?" she said quietly. "Just like that? What will your fans think? The young ones?"

“That... I... helped them get in 'harmony' with their crotches when they grow up?"

Rainbow blinked down at canine like snarls that Rarity gave her. She growled back, showing her teeth to match the scowl on Rarity's muzzle. "It was bound to happen to them anyways, and why the buck can't I decide what to do with my own body, huh? And come on, half of ponies who see me use me as masturbation material anyways."

Twilight had lost the happiness inside of her, no longer being able to look forward to her first porno shoot. She had been so excited for it, looking forward to it like she would to a new novel. It only reinforced her urges to learn perfect Neighponese and start doing filming overseas.

She was now depressed.

"So, I was wondering: Why are we considered the heroes of Equestria again?" Twilight sighed deeply. "And do we have any more food?"

"Because being a hero doesn't mean you have to be perfect, Twilight." Fluttershy laid down beside her, nuzzling herself contently into Twilight's neck. "It just means you have to go to scary places, encounter monsters and gods, and win."

Rainbow didn't bother attempting to break away from Rarity's magical grip. She wanted to keep Rarity alive by not killing her from flapping her wings too hard to magically shear off Rarity's horn from the whiplash. And perhaps prove a point.

"Why don't you try keeping yourself in check with money, good music, and hot stallions 'n mares around you egging you on, Rarity? And how did I get in? Uhh, hello? One of two living ponies with a rainbow colored mane? Incredible body? Sonic Rainboom? And like... two months ago.”

"I... I don't even know what to say to you!" Rarity spat, forcing Rainbow to close her left eye.

Applejack had a moment of clarity. One of the few she would ever have in her entire life. Her emerald eyes turned into pinpricks from the sheer power of it.

“Wait a second. Weren’t you in the Wonderbolt’s camp by then?”

Rainbow blinked as much as her one good eye let her, her mind slowly unraveling Applejack's words.

She had made a good point. Applejack tended to make good points.

“Ahh well," Rainbow shrugged, much like she did with everything in life that she did wrong. "It's not like it’ll hurt my chances of getting in.”

“What do you mean it won’t hurt you, Rainbow?” Rarity growled. “You could get kicked out for that!”

“Okay, first off, put me down. Because I’m too tired to be used as a sex magic toy. You wore me out, and are that amazing," Rainbow said.

“That helps you only slightly,” Rarity rumbled.

"I swear they can brown nose out of each other's anger," Applejack chuckled.

"Shut up, Applejack," Rarity and Rainbow said together.

"Aren't they adorable?" Fluttershy giggled. "It's not what couples love together that keeps a relationship strong, but what they hate together."

"I'm going to need to find a very hateful person then," Twilight said between her teeth.

“Second,” Dash continued, “I’m a special pony because I’m amazingly awesome at flying. And... you know... stupidly important hero to Equestria. They can't work without me in a decade."

"Even when she's about to die, Rainbow Dash can always find a way to make herself look like the greatest thing since sliced bread." Applejack shook her muzzle. "I should get angry at that, but I have to respect it at how persistent she is."

"I dunno." Pinkie stroked her chin. "I think electricity is a lot more important than slicing bread. It makes baking a lot easier."

"Shut up, Pinkie," Twilight groaned.

Rainbow wiggled faintly in Rarity's magical grip. "Third: Really? You ever spent five minutes in a military base? Sex, porn, alcohol, fart jokes, food, working out, swearing, and coffee are what keeps it ticking.” She looked down in contemplation. "Actually, Spitfire did do a cover like a couple of months ago."

"She's the commander!" Rarity cried. "She can do what she damn well wants to."

"I mean, I am scared crapless of her," Rainbow pondered, ignoring Rarity, "and she is kinda a bitch, but maybe we can do a cover together? I did clop to her before I met her."

Rarity's eyebrows twitched. She had given up even attempting to follow the mindset and thought patterns of Rainbow. Or even why she had sex with her in the first place for the tenth time that day.


"I am absolutely getting that issue if Rainbow and Spitfire are together." Pinkie growled lustfully. "It sounds saucy.”

"I do not need anymore commentary from you," Rarity spat at Pinkie.

"And I don't need any shit in my eyes from any of you!"

Pinkie screamed at the top of her lungs, standing on her hind legs above Rarity. Rainbow had been let go from Rarity's magical grip, and had decided that hiding behind her was the safest solution she could find.

Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight huddled together, clinging to each other for dear life, quivering as they caught the corners of the burning red that roared in Pinkie's eyes.

“This is getting really freakin’ old guys," Pinkie said. "Really, freaking, old. Anywhere, but the eyes. Always, the eyes. Spit in my eye, drip in my eye, hair in my eye, and wing in my eye. If anything is going in my eyes, there better be a lot of it, and it better be flavored. Because the next time something goes in my eye, something of mine's going in yours. My, hoof!”

With a surprisingly light sigh, Pinkie Pie landed back on all four hooves, looking as if she had taken the longest and most peaceful bath in her life. "So just let Dashie pay the damn bill," she said in a sickeningly affectionate tone, "and we're not gonna fight over it anymore. Whew. I'm doing that once a day. A rage attack a day keeps the therapist away!" she tittered.

Twilight poked her head up courageously, her magic thrumming to life to gently pull the damages in bits toward her. "Let's just... uhh... read the bill. And how about we all take some sleeping aids and go to sleep? I think we need them."

"Good plan!" Dash blurted, her pitch cracking at the sudden high note. "You're the best leader, Twi'."

"Marvelous!" Rarity added. "I do have a wonderful mattress available to me, including you, Dashie dear." She hugged Rainbow tightly. Anything she could do to keep Pinkie's wrath at bay.

"I know where we can the best sedatives in Canterlot." Fluttershy clopped her forehooves together.

"I'm considerin' drinkin' again," Applejack mumbled.

"Shut up, Applejack," Twilight hissed. "Do you want to die?"

"Sorta," Applejack said. "Ya'll have killed parts of me for the last two days anyways."

Twilight's anger melted as she wrapped her arm around Applejack's shoulder. "You and I, Applejack, have a lot in common."

"I like turtles," Pinkie nickered gaily. "I don't know how that's important to you guys trying to calm me down, but it's true."

Rainbow Dash eyed Pinkie Pie curiously. "I like turtles more."

Fluttershy perked up her ear. "Umm... Tank is a tortoise."

"Shut up!" Pinkie and Rainbow said as one.

Fluttershy tackled both of them, digging her hooves into Pinkie's and Rainbow's coats, pinning them to the floor. "Don't you tell me to shut up, you-"

"All of you shut up, because it's a ransom note!"

The Elements shuffled themselves toward Twilight, pushing themselves together to read it in unison.

Twilight's eyes blasted down the page quickly, ending with a barking cackle escaping from her throat. "And a really bad and long one too," she said.

She fully unfolded the long scroll with a flick of her magic. "I mean, really?" Twilight laughed. "'Dear Elements of Harmony, I know what you did last night?'"

"I'm pretty sure half of the Undercity knows by now," Rainbow chuckled, hovering above Twilight. "Rarity and I brought the house down. I mean-"

Rainbow stopped mid sentence, her eyes scanning the quivering grip, stuttering exhales, and shaking, shivering muzzle that was attached to Twilight's body. "Twilight? Twilight, are you alright?"

Fluttershy landed behind Twilight, massaging her back and shoulders. "Twilight. Relax. Whatever they said, don't let it scare you. Applejack and Rainbow Dash can always send them to the emergency room if it's that bad."

Twilight struggled to simply hold the scroll with her magic, working only on instinct. All her body could do was lift up a forehoof and point to the signature.

The long list of orders, demands, suggestions, and thoughts on the scroll were not important. Only the beginning. And end.

Dear Elements of Harmony.

I know what you did last night.

- Princess Celestia

The Elements of Harmony had fought, danced, sung, loved, cried, and laughed as one. For the first time, though certainly not the last, they swore, as one.

"We are fucked."