• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,184 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Ten: Library Love Lectures

Twilight Sparkle opened the door to the library knowing one thing for certain: Everything wasn't going to be fine tonight unless she orgasmed so hard she fried her ether glands.

Considering her ether glands were abnormally large and her mana reserves were legendary, the orgasm would most likely cause her ACL to tear and give her a herniated disk.

It was a very logical fear to have critical components to her muscular system compromised, and a night of sex could be ruined by one pulled thigh tendon that made a pony wish they never had legs. At least... that's what Rainbow Dash had said. Twilight would trust the local physical fitness guru on what a pulled thigh tendon felt like. Rainbow said it was on par of trying to crap out steel, except across the entire leg.

A pain to numb her current senses sounded like an awfully good idea at the moment. Sometimes, a mare needs to improvise. Now I wonder what a door knob feels-

She had trouble thinking about anything else other than wanting to see how much she could leak into a bucket without suffering dehydration. She was that pent up thanks to Pinkie Pie.

She even knocked me out! she growled inside of her mind. She didn't even ask or warn me. There were plenty of things she could have done to calm me down, and she went with horn massages? What a primordial, cantankerous... bitch!

There Pinkie was, massaging Twilight's overly sensitive horn to calm her down, and then she just left Twilight out cold. Literally. As if physically knocking her out would remove the hormonal urges that were bubbling deep inside of Twilight's mind.

Twilight had a heavy urge to show Pinkie what an anti-gravity spell and some physical constructs could do to orifices. I'll show you what fish mouthed really means, Pinkie-

The thoughts going through her head weren't exactly... conductive ones to have about friends. Harmony wasn't exactly on her mind. Heavy amounts of neighing, panting, and musk was.

She inhaled and exhaled in the manner that Cadance had taught her - and tried not to think about her sister-in-law's shapely, tight flank cheeks spread open for use.

Clap my hooves and cackle more likely, Cadance. You know how attractive ponytails are? You know how cute you are? Oh I'll give you a ponytail and yank on it so-

She let out a shout of repressed agony as she paced around in a circle, her loins driving her thought processes in a manner she had never thought possible.

My sex drive is only on the below average side. Why are you doing this to me!?

A hollow image of her snide, self righteous inner consciousness huffed proudly in front of her. I told you, the projection said. You didn't listen to me. Today wasn't going to be normal; you've been pent up for way too long, and now it's spreading around to your friends. It's going to reach a singularity that is bound to end poorly. This is why-

"Listen, here," Twilight snarled, slamming her morally superior projection into a bookshelf, "I'm really pissed off and horny right now, if I can quote Rainbow Dash, so I'm not exactly thinking like I normally should. The last thing I need is you calling the shots, got it?"

She didn't even wait for her mental projection to reply. Twilight rapidly and violently shook the stuttering, ear wilted image of herself.

"So you better get the hay out of my way; and stop giving me logical, fair, and balanced arguments before I buck you with some apple beads. Big Mac sized. Got it?"

The projection melted into the air as wisps of plasma colored smoke. Twilight was pleased something was going right today, if only just for this one moment.

With a swish of her tail, Twilight shimmied herself down onto the floor with a deep, soul purging sigh.

This wasn't like her.

Twilight did not suffer from impulse control issues like Pinkie and Rainbow did, except when it came to food-based stress eating. She was obsessive-compulsive and knew full well that she was. Those obsessive and compulsive desires were never on the sexual side of the spectrum. In fact, she was extremely good at pushing aside fear and focusing on the task at hoof if she needed to. And yet here she was, consumed and rattled by years of pent up sexual urges.

And yet... she had forgotten one key thing about herself. One key element that explained all of this.

It wasn't that her friends had made her more open to talking about sex, or that she was in her monthly cycle, or that Rainbow Dash's active urges had planted themselves inside of Twilight's brain.

It was the fact that she was mortal.

Twilight was a skip away from being twenty; it was the prime time of sexual activity for ponies, and she hadn't done any sort of experimenting years before. To go so long in her life without having had a sexual partner had reached a breaking point today.

And there was nothing wrong with that.

There was nothing wrong with seeking that physical and emotional closeness. Her body and mind had reached an endorphin based tipping point in which it was making up for half a decade of exploration with others in one long, damnable day. It was compromising many levels of who she was and letting loose sides of her she had repressed for so long.

And the more she thought about it, there was nothing wrong with that too. Perhaps it was time for her to just let go for a day and damn the consequences. Perhaps she should ride that wave and realize fighting biology forever was a losing battle baring her becoming a monk. She wasn't really a fan of chanting, and meditation just didn't work well enough for her.

She'd also miss all of Pinkie's food. That was the most important thing of all.

She pondered for a moment, staring at the floor. I could always pleasure myself before going to the spa. Let off some steam...

Pleasuring herself wasn't going to cut it on the intimacy scale, and self pleasure magic was something she really didn't use due to the amount of raw power she could channel, and her - dare she admit it - inexperience in the field. While no longer having a sex drive would help her manage her time even more efficiently she in fact enjoyed having physical pleasure from time to time, like any mare her age did. Sometimes, a mare just needed to stop thinking about a problem and let the primitive parts of their brain go wild.

Besides, Doctor Hooves was stupidly hot and smart. Mmm... and his tower matches the hair. If he wanted to see me sparkle he could just hike up my tail with a good yank, slap my flank cheeks, and-

"Oreos." It was the logical conclusion to solving most of her problems, in addition to slamming her head into the nearest book case. She was an expert in mastering this field, in case the ample amounts of stupidity around her reached a critical mass.

She needed it at this point. She was going insane enough at the simple thought of her friends planning her dating and mating life, her own urges, her internal ramblings, and having to think about something to do for the next hour. It made her forehooves scratch at the floor in agitation.

Something would solve this agitation.

Pain.

Exhaling sharply from the end of her muzzle Twilight churned to life a purple hammer that buzzed in front of her. She rotated the construct of magic that hummed sweetly in her ears. She smiled.

Well, this should be a basic and yet excellent choice of sexual repression. It's like castration through torture!

With a firm cock back of the hammer, she slammed it directly into her forehead, with expected results.

Twilight hissed in a serpentine manner to prevent herself from swearing for the fourth time that day, but it didn't stop her. She simply mumbled a rapid barrage of Rainbow-approved language at around thirty decibels. She stumbled on her hooves to pull herself away from the site of impact, leaning onto the kitchen counter for support as the hammer shattered at her loss of concentration.

Whatever Equish scholars said about vulgarities and intellect were damn wrong. Sometimes, four and five letter words said more than an entire paragraph could. She let a dozen curse words fly between her teeth without apologizing once.

Perhaps she could consider cursing to be a worthwhile experiment to try. Rainbow did it all the time, and she was relatively mellow. Or not.

It did seem to have a moderately good effect on stopping Twilight's pain though, and making the day just seem a little bit more bearable.

Something's missing, she thought drunkenly, panting as if she had laid an egg. Her forehooves rested firmly on the counter top, pressing as much of her weight as she could down on it to focus on the pleasant high of tickling pain nerves. Something should be here... but isn't. Oh! The Oreos! Silly me, how could I forget?

Her logical side began to offer a logical argument. Be-

You know, I've always wanted to try soul channeling magic. Although I’ve heard it could-

I’ll be quiet.

Good.

Her magic thrummed to life as she plopped herself down onto a reading pillow, awaiting the chocolate gold that swirled in front of her in that blue package of sky-clad happiness. Sure, she was half as high as an airship thanks to damaging her forehead, but she didn’t care. It made life that much more wonderful currently.

She didn't even attempt to be civil toward the cookie box. She simply ripped open the top of it with a firm thrum of magic, taking a deep, earthly inhale of the scent inside. That alone sent a shiver of delight to the more primitive parts of her brain.

There was something naughty about not consuming Pinkie Pie's baked goods and going with the chemical sludge pit of mass produced cookies. There was something equally naughty about not following her normal consumption pattern or common decency with the cookies and winging it. With no regards to morality or how barbaric it looked, she dragged her thick tongue over the tops of every cookie in the box, feeling the stamped letters crackle underneath her digestive saliva.

The food was marked as hers, and hers alone.

"Perfect," she purred, smacking her tail with excitement on the floor. "All... mine. My precious chocolate little foals. This day is going to be perfect, the kind of day-"

"Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle! Don't look for those books. They will kill you!"

Twilight's body had suddenly found that being airborne was a fun past time at the voice catching her off guard. Her legs flailed about to find traction as she landed on her back, her snout smashing into the box of cookies. She had ended the mortal lives of a good chunk of them, crushing them into hardened bits of dough. She would forever have to live with her genocidal tendencies.

Silence was all that followed the slamming of the library door.

Spike stared at Twilight.

She was on her back, her forehooves curled up toward her chest and her hair covered in chunks of frosting and chocolate dough. Her mane was like a grape cookie sundae.

Her eyes quivered with a hundred emotions rolling through her mind as she looked back at Spike, who was equally frantic, concerned, and desperate for answers.

They both looked at each other for moments on end, saying nothing.

It was Twilight who broke the silence.

“Spike,” Twilight sniffled, “my friends are trying to control my sex life. Rarity wants me to date Rainbow, and yet Pinkie wants me to date Rarity, but Rainbow wants me to date Applejack. A-a-and Pinkie kissed me... and I liked it. But the Cutie Mark Crusaders saw us, and blackmailed us for Pinkie’s sweets, and told us that Applejack and Rainbow had sex but don't want a relationship, and I just want to let loose but I can’t yet. And my cookies...”

Spike stepped forward to wrap his claws around Twilight's muzzle, stroking through her mane affectionately. “And I caught Rarity and Fluttershy kissing and had to tell them to stop, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders do plan on getting drunk and having sex. And I thought getting laid was just cuddling, but I learned what sex was the hard way, and here I am, back here trying to stop them.”

“First off: AJ and I have totally not had sex, and aren’t dating,” Rainbow said, perched on the library window. “We’re the best of pals, and doing that would ruin what we got. Second: Major props to you, Spike, for realizing Flutters’ loves Rarity so much as a friend. ‘Shy told me about that a few minutes ago. I’m really glad Rarity realizes that too, although they would make a cute couple. Third: Pinkie and you would not work out in any world, Twi'. And fifth: Told you Rares wants to hook us up, and you two would make a killer couple. Although... you and AJ would too, and I guess you found out about that. Crap."

Twilight looked up at Rainbow, blinking. “You skipped fourth.”

Rainbow smiled, shuffling herself on the window as she fluttered her wings. “I was doing it to check if ya weren’t a changeling.”

Twilight and Rainbow's eyes turned toward Spike in sudden fear and realization. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are having sex!?"

"Well not yet," Spike said, "although since they are horrible at flirting, I have a hunch they'll just get drunk and do each other."

“And you’re just going to let them do that?!” Twilight cried.

You’re the one who puts the history of pornography books out in public because you tell me to.” Spike huffed. "Nice going, Twilight."

“And you look at them?” Twilight's purple eyes crackled with energy. "I thought you were more mature than that, Spike."

Rainbow snorted at the last statement, landing beside Twilight and immune to the glare of torture that Twilight shot at her.

Spike continued, his own emerald eyes defiant to Twilight's anger. “No, Twilight, I don’t look at pictures of naked ponies rubbing themselves-of course I do. I just... didn't realize what it was until now. And now I bet they’re looking at them too. So I'm here to stop them. But I guess I'm too late.”

Twilight's horn whirled to life with a high pitched whine, books flying off of the library shelves as she pushed Spike away. Her eyes quickly scanned the dozens of titles in front of her. With every second that passed, she grew more physically angry.

"So why didn't you stop them before?" she said. Her tone was painfully calm.

"Because I was with them and suggested it; since you all were having a night out we thought we could have one in." Spike looked between Rainbow and the line of books circling in the air. "Of course, not knowing what it all meant. Again, your fault, Twilight."

"He has a point," Dash said, poking Twilight's side. "He's getting old enough."

"Shut up, Rainbow," Twilight snapped, the trail of tomes soon enough returning back into their original rows. As the books returned to their rightful homes she took a deep, long inhale of air, closing her eyes to relax.

Spike scratched the back of his head. "Okay. It wasn't the best idea ever, but we can fix this. We-"

"The books aren't bucking here!" Twilight yelled to the heavens, pleading for an invisible force to solve her many woes.

Her skeptical rationalism hadn't earned her any favors with the divine forces of the universe. They didn't respond.

She stared down Spike, a plume of air escaping from her nostrils. "I am grounding you forever, Spike, and we have to-"

Dash extended a forehoof across Twilight's chest, stopping her from moving. "First off, please swear more, because hearing that from you is maybe a top ten bucket list thing for me."

"Choke on-"

"Maybe later, but second, this calls for Fluttershy’s pot. That’ll solve everything.”

Twilight's ears wilted beside her frame, her anger turning into pure melancholy. Her lips pouted, tears forming in her violet eyes, and all hope of a future was gone. It took all of the effort in her body to keep her legs from giving in.

“And now... you want them... to get... high, Rainbow?" Twilight whimpered. "This isn't Equestria. I'm dead. I'm the only one sane. I'm-"

“Well, duh,” Rainbow smirked. She extended her left wing, wrapping it around Twilight as if they were talking about what wonderful skiing trip they were about to take. “They can’t handle pot, so they’ll most likely just pass out. Then, Spike can take the books, and the candy, and hide the alcohol, and then we all can yell at them tomorrow all angry like and they’ll be scared crapless. It also means that we get to do what we wanna do tonight. I’m sure pot’ll be pretty awesome for him since he’s a dragon, and that’s something we should totally study in the future. Think of it as like a reward for him doin’ all of this. And hey, you keep him really pent up, so it's not his fault he got jealous of us. He deserves a night of fun.”

Twilight blinked rapidly in reflection.

Her sadness and anger melted away, replaced by stunning awe that gleamed across her muzzle.

“W-w-wow. Rainbow Dash, your jury-rigged plan completely makes sense, and would work.”

Why didn’t I think of this?

Headache remember? Her logical side had a good point.

I told you to shut, up!

Rainbow couldn't help but squee for the third time that day, grinning like an idiot at the intellectual praise from the intellectual of Ponyville herself. She didn't care how it made her less cool. “I’m not a complete idiot. I’m-”

Twilight stared down Spike, pressing her muzzle into his own. “And when did you learn about sex, and drugs, and alcohol, Spike? This-”

Spike slapped Twilight across the face.

“I’m right freakin’ here," he growled darkly. "you don’t have to yell. Twilight, you need to calm down. Sometimes, a man has to grow-”

Twilight was livid. Steam blew out of her ears at the slap across her face. “Did you-"

“Seriously, calm the buck down,” Rainbow said, slapping the back of Twilight’s head with a wing, knocking off the crumbs in her mane. “We’ll talk to Spike later. For now, we got foals about to break the law that Spike has to stop.”

Spike blinked. "I thought-"

We’re about to get plastered, so saving the world isn’t something I’m up for right now. So you do it. We’ll totally not kill you tomorrow if you do it.”

Spike sighed wearily. “Is pot as awesome as I think it is?”

“When you’re in the right mood, completely amazing,” Rainbow said with a rapid swish of her tail.

I can’t believe I’m letting my little brother get-

You were thirteen when you first did it too. Lyra, and Octavia, and-

I want my mom...

“Alright, I’m gonna do this, and I won't let you all down.” Spike puffed up his scales and frame heroically. “Just... you all have to show me one day what being drunk is all about. And don’t give me-”

“Spike,” Dash said, “eleven year old foals, groping each other. Getting caught.”

Spike roared out of the library at a speed that Rainbow Dash simply whistled at. “Damn," Dash nickered. “That guy’s got some-”

"And you knew that Rarity wanted us to get together all along and you didn't say anything?" Twilight growled at Rainbow, slamming her into a bookshelf with her forehooves. She let a rumbling, feline hiss escape from the end of her muzzle, watching Rainbow’s eyes turn into pinkish dots of fear. "You? Of all my friends, you didn't say anything?"

Dash bit her bottom lip, swallowing down a ball of saliva. "I didn’t tell you because... damn it, I have a crush on you, Twi', and I didn't want to ruin tonight for you. I was afraid to say anything, so I... I said nothing. And I didn't want to hurt your feelings or burst anyponies bubble, so I just went along with wanting to help you score, and-"

Her ears folded at the sides of her frame. "But I got problems I don't wanna drag you into. My current is several hundred miles south than where it needs to be. I just... I just want to make you happy, and I think AJ can do that better than me; she can be your first better than anypony. I didn't think about it at the table, but I did afterwards."

"Give me one reason I shouldn't hate all of you for doing this to me. I'm not some Canterlot courtesan!" Twilight whinnied, yanking her friend up with all her might fused with crackles of purple magic dancing around her forehooves. A cry of pain emanated from Rainbow's throat as she was held up by her chest fluff, pressed into the bookcase without mercy. Twilight's magenta aura pinched Dash's wing bones, sending out a yelp from Rainbow's muzzle.

Rainbow's eyes teared up as she looked down at Twilight. "B-b-because I have the most experience, and I care for you? Because we want to make you happy, Twi'." Rainbow's voice was parched and cracked. "Twilight, please stop. You're hurting me."

"Maybe I want to choose my first, Rainbow Dash. Did anypony think of that?" Twilight growled, pressing her muzzle into Rainbow's. The pressure of her burning magic on Rainbow's mid-back tightened, crackles of lightning dancing around Dash's powerful wing base.

"And we don't w-w-want you to get burned. Twilight, stop, that hurts!” Dash’s eyes watered profusely, her wings tightening at the magic digging into her sides. “Please, stop! It hurts! We're doing this for you.”

"I freaking hate all of you right now!" Twilight said. "And you all controlling me like some pawn doesn’t hurt? Seriously. And you, of all my friends, doesn't respect my doubts on all of this? Rainbow Dash, I'm-"

"Because I love you, Twilight Shimmering Sparkle. I... I love you, Twilight."

Rainbow looked down at Twilight, her tears dripping down her muzzle. "You want to know why I'm so protective of you? Because I got burned on my first, and second, and pony crap, most of my partners. I can handle it. Rarity can, Applejack can. Hay, Pinkie can, and Fluttershy is tougher than she looks. You though..."

Rainbow cried. She could resist no more.

Tears of pain streaked down her snout as she looked into the faltering anger that Twilight gave her. "If I had my horse apples in a row, I'd want you to be my special somepony. N-n-no. Fuck it, my Otherwing. I'd go that far. I love you more than anything, Twilight. And..."

With a crack of shunted magic Twilight pulled away from Rainbow, watching her land on the ground, unable to support her own weight as she wept.

Twilight's own physical strength gave as she feel onto her rump, her forehoof instinctively reaching forward to stroke gently through Rainbow's mane.

"Rainbow, don't you ever use an oath like that! Otherwing's... Otherwing's are-"

Rainbow's wings laid beside her body. Broken. Dead. Lifeless. Simply looking up at Twilight was a Hell all by itself, and yet, she endured. She endured Twilight's watering eyes staring into her own. It was worth it. It was worth it to stare into those violet hues.

"I don't want you to ever feel that pain if I can help it," Rainbow said. "Of being dumped. Rejected. Freakin'... used. I was gonna look over anypony tonight so hard to see if they would hurt you. But Applejack made me realize: Why should you go looking when you have a friend here who can show you everything and help you for the future? That's why. Because I love you more than the Wonderbolts."

"I...I said it. Suck my teats, I said it, and I don't regret saying it, and I'll say it again. And I swear by my ancestors, Twilight, Applejack will show you what... what love can really feel like. I swear by my wings, trust me on this. Because if I didn't fall for you, I would've fallen for her, and I'd give up dating both of you to make sure my two best friends are happy."

"Rainbow Dash..."

Twilight couldn't stop the silent tears pouring down from her own muzzle. Listening to Rainbow pouring her heart out through choked sobs was Tartarus. All she could do was let her friend weep, her anger gone and replaced by listening to a soul release its burden.

She wrapped her forehooves underneath Rainbow's armpits to hold her, letting Rainbow weep quietly into her neck. "Rainbow, why do you hold in these things all the time? You're going to kill yourself from the stress. You're hurting us by doing this."

"Because that's my job, Twilight." Rainbow pulled her muzzle back to look into Twilight's eyes, the magenta glow on her own bloodshot, faded, and weak. "I'd rather die than hurt you all."

"I don't want you to be a martyr, Rainbow! None of us do." Twilight sniffled loudly, clinging to Dash's coat. "Stop this! It... it hurts me. It hurts me to see you doing this to yourself."

Rainbow shook her head. "I... I can't stop. I can't stop holding these things in to make life easier for you, you know? Maybe you see why this is so important to me. Because I want you to never forget your first, and well... Applejack isn't going to hurt you and cry like a bitch. Like me."

She snorted loudly, wiping her nose with a forehoof. "So yeah." Rainbow chuckled snidely. "Feel free to break my wings now. Just gag me, so the police don't come. I'll say I broke them in some-"

A forehoof gently placed itself on Dash's lips, Twilight's violet eyes staring into the deep magenta of Rainbow's own.

"Rainbow Lightning Dash." Twilight let her friend's full name hover in the air. She stroked through the prismatic flow of Rainbow's mane. Her ears wilted as she looked into the bloodshot orbs of Rainbow's, listening to every faint whimper that trundled out of her muzzle. They were all one whimper too many.

"Kiss me," Twilight said. "Convince me with your lips. Show me what you think Applejack can show me. Show me what you think you can't show me."

"This isn't about me," Rainbow said, shaking her muzzle. "Sometimes you have to give up something you want for something you need. I want you, but I don't need you. I... I need... Rarity. I need a girl like her who can handle me, and help me grow. A-a-and you need Applejack. She's dependable, and strong, and stable. I'm not being selfish; I'm being honest. Please, you can break my heart, Twi', but don't make me see yours-"

Twilight finished the sentence for Rainbow.

Her muzzle tilted to the side, letting the fuzzy tip of her snout fur rub into Rainbow's before it connected to her lips. "Kiss me once, and I'll get Rarity for you if you want her. But if things don't work out between any of us, let me decide if I want you."

Dash's left forehoof stroked underneath Twilight's chin as their muzzles reconnected, her lips sealing and slowly melting away. It connected as quickly as it pulled back, letting their snout tips bump together teasingly.

Twilight loved every moment of it. Her horn flared to life to gently stroke the sides of Rainbow's thick coat with faint trickles of her magic, her tongue reaching out to lick over Rainbow's nose.

Rainbow would have none of that. Her teeth reached out to nip at the bottom of Twilight's lip, sending forth a gentle huff of delight from Twilight's muzzle, only egging her on. Rainbow pressed into the kiss, her forehooves skimming through the long locks of Twilight's flowing mane, brushing through the waterfall of smooth perfection.

The two mares were in their own world, letting the faint pops of their snouts gently breaking apart, the sinful licks of their tongues nipping each other's own, and the peaceful sedation of love and life fill their hearts.

Twilight pressed Rainbow's back onto the bookshelf once again, although with passion instead of rage. It forced both of them to stand up on their hind legs as she pinned her forehooves onto Rainbow’s. The kiss continued, growing louder with each passing second as Dash’s wings wrapped around Twilight’s purple coat, giving her a firm, protective squeeze. The feathery nub tips of her wings slid down Twilight's body, kneading her cutie mark to send bolts of stimulation across Twilight's flank cheeks. Their tongues merged together inside of Rainbow's muzzle, letting gentle trickles of saliva and their quiet huffs fill their lungs and ears with the pleasantries of the moment. Nothing else mattered.

This... is what love must feel like. If Rainbow wants me to have this, why can’t she give it to me?

Because she’s afraid of hurting you, and even that tiny chance is too much for her, Twilight. Stop. Either let her continue herself, or stop. That’s what she wants; it’s what she’s wanted this whole time. For you to find someone special, so you never have to go through what she has. She was just too afraid to admit it.

The kiss ended far too soon for Twilight's liking. Her lips pulled back, her eyes gently looking up at the pinkish rubies of Rainbow's own staring quietly at her.

“You would've ruined the whole night for everypony just to protect me wouldn't you?” Twilight asked. "If none of this had happened you would have done this in public."

Rainbow faintly panted from the kiss, her tongue hanging out of her muzzle as her forehooves held softly onto Twilight's sides. "I'm... not exactly... the best when it comes to tactics. I-"

Twilight ruffled through Rainbow's mane messily. She snorted darkly, shaking her snout from side to side. “Your logic is so messed up and so right at the same time. You really are deeper then you look, Rainbow."

Rainbow chuckled meekly. "And... well... I'm kinda a bit of a bitch like that. Comes with my price tag. No one touches purple butt without my approval. Even if you hate it too, Twi’, I just can’t let you get hurt. You’d have to break my wings and legs to stop anypony from hurting you. Even you hurting yourself.”

Twilight slapped Rainbow's thighs loudly at her snide comment, only to hiss to herself afterwards as she shook her hooves in pain. “Damn it, Rainbow! Jeez, I never knew your flank was so... hard. And I feel better after doing all of that. And the yelling. And the kissing.”

“Man, I guess all the karate, and staff fighting, and flying, and working out really didn't do anything." Rainbow stuck out her tongue playfully, her mane ruffled wildly by Twilight once again. "Huh. Should try-”

“And Rarity’s flank is... slightly hard underneath," Twilight pondered.

Rainbow’s cerise eyes opened wide at the statement. “And you know this because?...”

The grin spreading over Twilight's muzzle grew with every passing second. “Because she does yoga, and I’m sure you’d enjoy that, just like AJ can teach me... heh, ropes.”

A faint, glowing blush began to appear across Rainbow’s cheeks. “W-well I-”

Twilight pressed her advantage, raising her eyebrows suggestively at the increasingly cherry colored glow spreading across Rainbow's muzzle. “And she’s really good at doing a lot of ‘controlled’ magic.”

Dash was not currently capable of words. “U-U-hh-”

Twilight was grinning far too widely for her own good. “I think it’s time for Rarity to taste a bit of her own medicine. Right, Rainbow? So if Applejack, you, and me work together I think we can outsmart the minx at her own game.”

“S-s-scaring me again, Twilight,” Dash whimpered.

“Oh, I scare myself sometimes, but that’s part of the game, Rainbow Dash. Rarity can play Chess. But I play Mahjong.”

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