• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,184 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Two: Rainbow's Randy Resolution

Today was going to be awesome, according to the wonderfully verbose vocabulary of Rainbow Dash. Like most of the once monthly parties she went to with her friends it wasn't something their parents would approve of, but that was half the fun.

Then again, Rainbow was not well known for listening to her parents, or anyone for that matter. Otherwise she would have been an architect, and she'd rather build her body than a cloudscraper. She liked being able to make some parts of ponies' bodies point to the clouds when she flew or walked by them instead.

And so today was going to be awesome, since she was using her well built up alcohol tolerance that had been trained thanks to all of the cutting edge legal chemicals that she pumped through her body to help maintain her peak physical condition. Training her kidneys and liver through modern synthetic chemicals had its perks.

Okay. What wasn't awesome was having to wake up early because there was so much awesome stuff Dash wished to do today. That wasn't fun.

It's something I'm gonna have to deal with sometimes, she thought, but it's worth it. Painful, but worth it. Nopony should have to subject themselves to the morning light; a paycheck or a party were the only acceptable answers to rising that early. And to think, Applejack wakes up almost always at the crack of dawn every single day.

Does she even sleep much? Rainbow pondered, pulling herself up from her mattress with a crack echoing from her back. She should know like I do that you need sleep to keep all of those muscles going, but she is an Earth pony, and they do kinda cheat in that way with the whole supercharged organs deal.

Despite her better wishes it seemed an organ of hers was turbo charged, and not one she was wanting to be. Woah, purge that thought; the last thing I need to think about is her muscles.

She struggled to halt the thoughts of her friend's powerful and deadly posterior from taking over her mind. The more she tried, the more Applejack’s form stayed in her head, teasing her. Please, mind, can you get yourself out of the gutter for once?

Her perverted side filled in for her nicely. Nah, because the moment we do that we'll stop being us.

Thanks a bunch, you prick. The last thing I need to think about is the plot on my best friend.

You think about the plot of everypony at least once or twice. She's your sister from another mare. It's not illegal or anything. Can't help but enjoy other mares who have amazing bodies, am I right?

Shut up.

The images in her head weren't getting out anytime soon, until her thoughts drifted toward a more Wonderbolt-inspired direction. Her perverted side liked to take over from time to time. That too, wasn’t helping the oddly crotch specific mood her brain was pulling her toward this morning.

Usually she had a lot more self control than this, usually being the key word. It was rare for her groin to be taking over her thoughts so overwhelmingly - and that was coming from a moderately randy mare. There was only one proper solution to the problem.

With her hooves trotting quietly on the cloudy floor of her bedroom she did the best thing she could. With a swing of her head she thunked her snout into one of the supporting pillars of her house. Hard.

The sudden pain of her head hitting a hard object not only purged her mind of less than foal appropriate thoughts, but it also woke her up more swiftly than any energy drink ever did, sending up a torrent of stars through her vision.

Oww! Shit!” she cursed, biting her lower lip in pain. Ponies who weren't Pegasi didn’t realize that cloudcrete wasn’t in fact a soft substance by any means. “Maybe not the best idea I’ve ever come up with. No, way down on the list of best ideas I’ve ever come up with.”

Her perverted side cried in hysterics, rolling around inside of Rainbow's head. And here comes the headache. Great job, RD. Great job for not listening to me!

Shut up, other me, this is your fault.

At least the pain thrumming through her skull prevented her mind from becoming too coherent to think about more advanced subjects, forcing Rainbow to go on autopilot as she planned her day.

Hovering - since walking didn't sound pleasant - to her kitchen down her spiral staircase she began to blend her morning protein shake by wing. The thought of blending it with her blender was a battle her headache wasn't going to let her fight. At least she had something to look forward too.

This Sunday was a borderline sacred day for the Elements of Harmony. It was the day that they would simply enjoy the finer things in life: Watch Fluttershy giggle herself silly, Twilight realizing that vulgar language could sum up an argument more quickly than an entire paragraph, Pinkie Pie mellowing out and tell stories - with the help of Rarity of course - that simply weren't keen for younger company, and watching Applejack degrade herself into a sarcastic, snorting, brutally honest wiseass, much like Rainbow herself was a vast majority of the time.

What more in life could she ask for than the company of her fillyfriends enjoying nearly three years of friendship, trials, and tribulations? Of growth, hardship, lessons learned, and battles won?

By the time her swirling, chocolate flavored smoothie was ready she smiled in content peace at the thought. The dull throbbing in her head had nothing to do with her blankness on the subject. Or it did, but she didn't realize that it did.

As much as she might have denied it on the outside from time to time her friends meant more to her than pretty much anything. The Wonderbolts, flying, fame; it all paled to the five friends who gave her endless support, who had helped her grow so much, and enjoyed the playful banter that Rainbow gave to them. Even if they denied that they enjoyed it. They were just kidding about their denial. Obviously.

Rainbow took a thick, deep, stout chug of the flavored protein mix, enjoying the moment as many ponies did with their morning coffee. It was a tasty swirl of triple chocolate that melted on her tongue. It was an acquired firmness, but it felt so good.

Well Soarin's plot being directly underneath me wouldn’t feel bad either, firm or not, she idly pondered. Although Fleetfoot is really cute and could give me a run for my money too.

Wait. No no no. I told you head to not go in that direction. What is wrong with you this morning?

It was a perfectly valid question. Sure, Rainbow liked - scratch that, loved - a good roll in the hay every once in awhile - or more than once in awhile - the mornings fantasies were oddly... focused. She might have been the most sexually active of the Elements, but to be so consumed by this was just... weird.

Was it the length of time since she’d had sex that was the problem? Okay, it has been a bit, but starting off like this? Come on, I usually have a few hours before I work myself up.

This calls for drastic measures. Part... two. It’ll let me focus on later tonight anyways, and wear me down a bit. Besides, I could use it.

Time to work out.


The workout didn't fully work. The irony of that thought only made Rainbow that much more pissed off about it.

It was so simple: Blast through the liquid rainbow streams around her house until she collapsed in fatigue. Clean up, slam down more protein and a Mooster energy drink, and let the numbness melt her body and mind. The former happened with flying colors. The later stayed around just to spite her.

Despite her utterly perfect level of fitness her legs could only do so much, and the chronic numbness that ruined her fitness earned gait currently didn't change the thoughts rambling in her head. It only made them melt into simple ones rather than vivid daydreams. They trickled around in the back of her mind, wishing they could trickle between her legs.

It sucked.

Rainbow hung her forehooves off the walkway of her house, staring at the distant ground below. Her eyes slowly blinked, waiting for the stimulants to work their way through her system.

She snorted derisively at herself. You're thinking too hard. Let Twilight do all of the thinking for you. You aren't meant to sit on your butt and 'query' why you have the big urge to just bury something inside of yourself. It didn't feel like an hour or three with a few toys would solve her problems on further reflection either.

Damn it, what do you want from me, head and/or plot?

Sex, dumbass, her horny side replied. It's really easy to understand. Seriously, sometimes you are flat out retarded.

"Well... you're retarded," she grumbled.

Amazing comeback.

"Buck you."

It had to be settled. She had enough problems in her life: Was her coat fluffy enough to make her look playful, or was it too fluffy, and it made her look like a pet dog instead of the incredible badflank that she was? What other routines could she learn to improve her physique? Should she adjust where she put her house-wide sound system? Did cinnamon mixed in with water taste good?

Dash shook her head. Today and tonight we're going to be simple: Hang out with the girls, catch up on gossip, laugh her plot off, think about three years of fun, get tipsy, do stupid things, and just enjoy being young mares during the best years of their lives. She was going to stick to that plan. With one minor, and yet very important adjustment.

She was going to plan a pub crawl. That could solve almost all of her problems in one swoop.

There was a problem with that plan: There were only two true bars in town, and while there were another dozen places in town that served alcohol they would not exactly... like that kind of thing from her friends.

One thing could fix all of that too: It was time to form a council to fix everything that she was thinking of so she didn't have to think about anything anymore. And only one place was the right place for them to have one.

"To the library!" Rainbow shouted defiantly and out loud, spreading her wings in inspiration.

"Wait... did I just say what Twilight would say?" she also said aloud, realizing the sad, sad truth of her own words.

You did, her mind replied. Congratulations, Rainbow. Turn in your badflank card at the nearest nimbus. Just walk away from everything you've ever done. You are now an egghead of the highest order.

"Well, Twilight does have a cute-"

Stop that thought, get off this cloud, and seriously, fix this before you do something stupid. Seriously, I'm trying to keep the horny side of us down and she's biting my tail.

Her thoughts went mute to contemplate.

Nevermind, you'll do something stupid anyways. Go get'em!

"Yes, ma'am," Rainbow replied to the drill sergeant shouting in her head, front flipping off of her cloud. Perhaps Spitfire had sunk deeper into her head than she thought. At least I don't think of her like that anymore. No don't-

Stop, thinking, that, way.

The meeting needed to happen sooner, rather than later.


"-and that's why I use brown sugar, Pinkie; regular ole suger just doesn't cut it for flavor. It adds a much stronger kick an' richer taste. I simply can't go back to normal suger unless I hav'ta."

"Ponies don't get that the difference between forgettable cookies and unforgettable ones are just a change in really simple things. I use dark, light, and semi-sweet chocolate in my chocolate chip cookies to really bring out a flavor that brings ponies to their knees. And boy does it!" Pinkie replied.

Applejack and Pinkie Pie walked down the main road from the Apple farm, taking their time - a rarity for Pinkie - to simply enjoy talking about a mutual passion. Cooking. It was about the only thing they shared in common, other than biologically being the same species. Although that too, was questionable with Pinkie being involved.

"It's how I make my caramel so darn good, if I may so myself," Applejack said. "Cousins can teach ya a lot."

"Brag away!" Pinkie smiled, twirling through the air. "We'll just keep it a secret I use yours cause it's better than mine. I'd be a silly filly to say otherwise."

She sniffed the air curiously as she landed, wiggling her plush tail behind herself. "Speaking of a silly filly..."

Applejack raised an eyebrow, stopping beside her. "Are you about to Pinkie Sense a smell? Not comin' from me."

Pinkie giggled. "No, Jackie, it's not a toot; it's a silly filly about to drop in on us like she always does. Same thing Dashie always does, cause she's silly like that."

Applejack rolled her eyes, a gentle, knowing sigh escaping from the end of her muzzle. "Why am I not surprised that it's Rainbow? With the tone you're takin' I have a feelin' she's gonna crash land somewhere near us. Did I nail it?"

"Yep! Nailed it like a nail."

"And we... aren't gonna try to prevent her from crashin'?"

Pinkie nickered gaily. "Hay no!" she snorted loudly. "It's gonna be hilarious like it always is! She's not gonna hurt herself, so that's why it's funny. Okay, she will hurt herself for like a few minutes but Rainbow's almost as tough as we are, and she laughs when we trip and so a hoof for a hoof. Laughie laughie back!"

Applejack could barely control her laughing with the slowing evolving dark humor Twilight had begun to spread around her friends with impunity. It had even corrupted Pinkie Pie with its ever present evil power. And dare Applejack admit it, a pinch of it was cracking through her own armor.

It was awful that the once innocent Elements had developed a taste for annoying each other, but after three years of saving the world and learning so much from one another they had learned precisely how to nip at those corners.

At least Pinkie seemed to only enjoy it around her dearest friends. For now.

"We're awful," Applejack chuckled, "and yer're not supposed to like ponies in pain, Pinkie." She was doing her best to prevent herself from toppling over, and only partially succeeded.

Pinkie bounced in excitement. "I don't normally," she stated, "but Rainbow will sorta find it funny too, so it's okay! Although... jeez, when you put it like that, I guess Dash has made me kind of mean."

She pondered for a moment, stroking her chin. "Hmm... Oh! I know! Because she can handle it. Like how you two would look like mortal enemies about to duel to the death to ponies who didn't know you."

"That is puttin' it lightly," Applejack beamed, sending both her and Pinkie Pie into a fit of giggles as their eyes followed the jet of colors racing toward them.

Rainbow was going fast, even for her own standards of cruising speed, forcing a nervous glance from Applejack toward Pinkie. "Yer're... positive she won't?"

"Yep!" Pinkie chirped. "Just watch. I don't know when she'll land, but she'll be okay."

Rainbow had judged her distance from her friends well, as was to be expected from a mare with her incredible eyesight. Her speed was excellent and under control, as was her braking. While she could stop nearly on a bit even when going nearly four hundred miles an hour, she decided to air brake hard to burn off the excess steam from her body.

It was perfect.

Her powerful wings spread out to their full plume with trained ease, the sudden hit of gravity and the passive Pegasi magic around her battling it out on and in her body, spine, and soul. The wind blew back from behind her in a torrent of dirt kicking gusts while her entire body was rocked and flooded with an overload of dopamine. Even her training didn't give her perfect control over the physical euphoria that flowed through her body as the rush of air and mana burst into her wings from her air braking. That was exactly the point, and it caused her to let out an ecstatic moan in bliss.

It was as incredible as she remembered it being, and she'd be lying to herself if doing something like this every few days didn't make Rainbow addicted to her talent and passion.

The blow back of gravity and excess ether made her back flip through the air, but that was all part of the fun and the tension curing utopia that swam in her head. It was wonderful.

Her head slamming on the ground wasn't.

Lost in paradise her back flip made her snout thud on the dirt, soon enough followed by her entire body as she spun in reverse on the ground. Despite her moderately low speed she flipped over three times before coming to a complete stop on the road, flat on her stomach, splayed out like a carpet.

She was now punch drunk on a flying high, had a throbbing headache, and was lightly covered in dirt. It was a normal day for her, cranked up to eleven.

Her mind was incoherent, her ears registering the snorts of her friends who tried to repress them, but it was a futile task. If she was more alive, she would have chuckled too.

"I give that a five, Rainbow." Applejack looked down at her, the smug grin on her muzzle slightly adorable if Rainbow was mentally pestered about it. "You've been slackin' off on yer maneuvers, and raw speed just doesn't cover it anymore."

Applejack gently prodded Rainbow's forehead, listening to the incoherent grunts from her mouth as her muzzle was buried in the dirt. "Are ya okay, sugarcube?"

"Hi. I'm high." Rainbow cooed. It was her best hello in history.

"Dashie, it is way too early to get stoned and you didn't even offer!?" Pinkie folded her forehooves as she looked down at Rainbow in disgust. "Rainbow, Lightning, Dash, how could you be so selfish?"

"I am so high right now," Rainbow giggled, showing her enviable mastery of words. She rubbed her forehead gently, wincing afterwards. "Oww. Being high on flying and having a headache at the same time sucks."

Applejack tilted her head to the side. "Do ya need a minute, Dash? Five?"

Rainbow mumbled once more, spitting out dirt. "Yeah, that sounds good. Just leave me here, cause I am kinda trippin' my plot off right now. I'm not stoned, but oh gosh, I feel like I am."

"Now what was with that sort of brakin', cause I have never seen ya-"

It only took a gentle sniff of the air for Applejack's green eyes to go wide in shock. "Sleipnir's musky testicles, you smell like you're about 'n willing to be used by Equestria's Olympics team. What landed on yer airstrip an' caused an oil spill, RD, cause it smells like a rodeo locker room behind you!"

Rainbow felt her cheeks turn red as she let out a nervous chuckle. "I-I-I can explain."

"But before you do," Applejack interrupted, pulling Rainbow onto her hooves, "can ya at least wipe yerself off on a cloud or somethin'?” Applejack coughed loudly. “Now I can handle a mighty range of smells, and we’ve been through much together, but shit, girl, that scent in the air is like-"

"I don't need another stupid phrase from you right now," Dash groaned, shoving Applejack's chest. "Sheesh, I'll go do it. Calm your freaking freckled teats."

Applejack pressed her snout firmly into Rainbow's. If Applejack had wings, they would have been bladed daggers of death by the way her back curved. "They aren't freckled; and why are you lookin' at them!"

"See? About to duel to the death," Pinkie Pie whispered to the reader, nodding her head.

"I’m not, but you’ll be sorry you have them period if you don’t shut up." Rainbow ejected a hiss of pressurized air from the end of her nose that would have make a steam train jealous. "Oh friggin hay, let me rest, cause we are fighting over nothing!"

Applejack returned the exhale of air from her nose, giving her friend a good challenge in lung capacity. "I take pride in what I got, Dash-"

"Can you both stop fighting at least until the next chapter?" Pinkie groaned. "We have a lot to cover in the next two or three, and you two can fight forever, and that's gonna bore everypony!"

Pinkie pushed herself between Applejack and Rainbow, scowling at them. "Because I will pull out hashish if I have to, and boyo, I know you guys can't handle that like I can. Think of what Ponyville will think if we come into town stoned. The horror!"

Both Applejack and Rainbow blinked rapidly at Pinkie Pie. It was just her being her.

"That... it's us being stupid again?" Dash said. "And it's not like everypony in town hasn't done something incredibly stupid at least twice. We just do it more often. Like... ten times as much."

"And didn't ya just say you wanted to get high with Dash, Pinkie?" Applejack added. "Not to mention it's Fluttershy who grows it."

"And what chapter?" Rainbow scratched the back of her mane with a wing. "To... what?"

Pinkie Pie deflated quickly, falling over onto her back in defeat. "You two can't take a joke," she pouted.

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