• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,184 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey

What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Nine: I'm A Gentlemare

Rarity was doing something that she commonly did in the privacy of her own home.

She was dancing.

It wasn't the fact that she danced, or even danced well that was misleading; she was dancing in a manner that the high class ponies she aspired to be with would be repulsed by.

She didn't give a damn at the moment.

Her flank and tail swayed behind herself as she moved her body. Her lean and silky smooth fur carried along with her diet maintained and Yoga balanced withers shook to the music dancing in her ears.

It moved not to the classical music she adored, nor the opera she loved, nor the jazz that Fluttershy got her into. Not even that she was swaying her curved assets of dietary perfection to a modern pop song was considered odd to the general masses.

It was the gyrating, rump swaggering, plot bouncing, pelvic thrusting manner in which she did it. It would have made all of her friends wonder how much wine she had been consuming before hoof, or silently nod their heads in agreement that this was the other extreme of Rarity's personality that she hid away to deal with the stresses of her life.

Once again, her caring meter was running awfully low as the other parts of her brain objected to her actions. They were the most boring of snobs anyways.

"Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you wet, you know who I am, Rarity!"

Her voice half cracked at the final note, the smooth, resonating tone of her singing voice going for a vacation as she drunkenly squeaked to the music. Rarity’s white rump and purple tail shook as she trotted through her house and workplace without a care in the world. Her eyes were closed as she gaily went about her business, completely indifferent to Fluttershy, who had walked in to see Rarity prancing and twerking like she was on the dance floor. Or worse.

Fluttershy silently shut the door behind herself and simply stood still as Rarity existed in a world that Pinkie had to have lived in a good majority of the time.

But... it could be worse.

She had not only seen worse - not that it bothered her, much like Big Mac had seen his fair share of horror stories - but she hadn't exactly... not done the same thing with enough ponies, music, social lubricant, and a bit of alcohol.

To think, I'm the innocent one. She smiled softly to herself. Oh dear. Once, I was so shy I couldn't even leave my house much. Now I think of...

She'd rather not think about what she had been an accomplice to a few times. And yet, she didn't regret it. Much.

"Rarity, can you turn down the music? I'm here,” Fluttershy asked. Her normal speaking voice wasn't going to cut it.

She had to admit that watching Rarity twirl about and act in an ungraceful manner more akin to Twilight or Pinkie was entertainment all by itself.

Oh dear. Am I turning into Rainbow for finding this... funny? Maybe alcohol has changed me. It was something to think about over the next week, when the chaotic events of today and the almost certain ramifications of tonight needed a bit of a life goal adjustment.

"Rarity! I'm here!" Fluttershy called.

There was no response. Rarity was in her own world still, and didn't seem prepared to leave it any time soon. The bass and throbbing clap of the songs electronic beat had pulled Rarity away from reality. "Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you wet, you know who I am, Rarity!"

I wish I could move like that, Fluttershy thought, retreating into her own head for a bit of sanity. Just let go like that. Oh my gosh! I have held a part of me back. Was this what Rainbow told me to... 'unleash’? Or Rarity? Is Rarity what I'm like tipsy?

It was a life crisis that Fluttershy needed to also push into next week. Everything needed to be pushed toward that Tartarus filled week. The simple thought of dancing drunkenly was far too much for her panicked, sober mind to think about.

"Rarity!" Fluttershy cried, her voice for once turning into a true shout.

Rarity simply kept on grooving as if she were at a high school graduation afterparty.

Fluttershy let out a calming sigh. Just relax. I'm happy, and have the best of friends! They know what's the best for me. At least I'm more outgoing thanks to my friends, and it's not like I'm Rainbow or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with her lifestyle. She's just a frisky filly.

Rarity's music jolted and pounded the floor and walls of her home as if she had recently decided to become a DJ, the speakers around her house pounding the party song to the point that Fluttershy felt parts of her that she didn't even know existed vibrate to the shockwave. "Rarity! Rarity! Rarity! Rarity!"

"Okay, it's too early for this music," Fluttershy growled to herself, her wings spreading in anger. She knew the feeling that was building up in her throat. The instinctive, deep inhale of air filling her lungs with pressure.

A part of her screamed for her mind to stop, but the ringing in her ears in the early afternoon had taken over her head. Animals were one thing for her to handle; an earthquake of a bass was another.

Please, head she pleaded internally. No! Don't! No! No! No!

"I'm a-"


Fluttershy's voice cracked through the house like a chain of roaring thunder hitting pavement and a church organ at the same time. It vibrated off the walls, boomed across the floor, and rang over every piece of furniture that Rarity had. It was a visible sonic wave of pressure that rolled to the core of the earth.

Rarity's voice had shocked her friends earlier that day with both its gravitas and vulgarity. Fluttershy had just matched her with a volume that few ponies alive could match, or could physically take without having their ear drums shattered.

The result was Rarity screaming like she had seen a dead body, her horn flaring to life to shunt the music, cowering on the ground in weeping hysterics.

"Please, take anything you want!" she cried, her forehooves covering her tear drenched eyes. "Just don't hurt me," she pleaded, sobbing into her hooves. "I won't even look at you. Please. I want to live for my friends and baby sister."

Fluttershy didn't ask for this.

Her friend had every right to overreact, and she was left with the guilt of causing it.

"Oh flying bucking feather-I mean gosh-damn-oh no-Rarity!"

The trundle of vulgarities that poured from Fluttershy's innocent mouth only made the anger bubbling in her blood that much more potent. She half tackled Rarity, scooping her up in her soft, light wings. Her aqua eyes watered as she cradled Rarity, listening to her every whimper. She dragged her feathers through Rarity's mane soothingly, nickering affectionately at her.

"Oh gosh, Rarity, I am so sorry," Fluttershy sniffled. "I just... did you have to play it so loud?"

She squeaked at her inner demon still throbbing in her ears as it merged with the budding headache she had received from the music. The last thing she needed was a cocktail of a non-alcoholic sort in her head.

Hush you! she said to the cackling voice inside of her mind. Take my wing to your face, evil me!

Oww! That hurt! Her darker side whimpered. It wasn't a fan of being hit.

Good! Now go to the you're-a-failure corner, and leave me alone! She huffed proudly inside of her head. I can beat you up, you know. Iron Will taught me things, and that's that beating up your evil side is okay. If you don't play along, I will get the saw, and you will scream.

Y-y-you're a monster! her evil part shouted.

Fluttershy's good side smiled. It smiled in a manner that a good side of a good mare who wouldn't hurt anything should never, ever, smile.

Only to things that want to kill me. I can't Stare myself, so I result to gratuitous violence instead.

Rarity sniffled loudly as she looked up Fluttershy cradling her, curling her forehooves toward her chest. Tears dropped down her cheeks, her sapphire eyes gleaming of freshly melted water.

"F-f-Fluttershy!" she said. "Oh thank heavens it's only you! Was my music that loud? Oh no, I must have looked like the greatest fool in Equestria. I deserve that shout, since it only made-"

"Rarity," Fluttershy said, "have you been drinking? A-a-although if I can be honest - if you don't mind - I found what you just did really adorable, and you should act like that more often. Just... don't play it so loudly." She smiled shyly down at Rarity, letting out a quiet giggle. If she's this cute sober tonight...

Oh my gosh, you're not thinking of doing that are you? her innocent side said.

Well... it's not like we can't help each other, her logical mind countered. She's really pretty, and we're all a bit pent up. If Rainbow and Twilight are getting together, why can't I help Rarity with her stress?


I'm not sure this counts as me being evil other than oddly selfless. Watch. I'll show you! She'll love it and find me cute too. Self esteem is a way to gleam!

"N-n-no, although should I start?" Rarity bit her bottom in contemplation, flicking an ear as her own sentence repeated in her head. The irony of her comment about Rainbow Dash and alcohol hurt that much more.

"Oh, Olympus, did I just say I should start drinking and Sweetie Belle hasn't broken anything yet?" Rarity pouted loudly, squirming in place. "If I thought Rainbow Dash was bad I could be an alcoholic in the making! The double standards, the scandal!"

Rarity grabbed Fluttershy, resulting in a quiet squeak echoing from Fluttershy's mouth. "I just can't 'loosen' up in public, Fluttershy. I must protect my image."

"Like... you did earlier? At the restaurant?" Fluttershy said, settling down onto her rump.

"That doesn't count!" Rarity half shouted, causing a faint meep to escape from Fluttershy's muzzle. "Everypony could think you all were insulting me, so it was a good reaction."

"But we're your best friends-"

"That doesn't count either!" Rarity flailed, pulling herself back onto her hooves. "I'm known for my frantic pacing and dramatics as well, but the noble side of me is universally considered to be the dominant side of my personality. What happened out there could be locally considered years of pent up anger. I'll manage."

Fluttershy gave Rarity a gentle prod on the nose. "I understand you are shaking from what I've done, and I'm very sorry, Rarity, but you are only making your heart beat faster. So I want you to calm down, and-"

"Well thank you for the advice, dear," Rarity flatly nickered, "although I adore you and all, I think I have myself under control for the moment, relatively speaking." She swished her tail confidently behind herself, scoffing at her pearl colored chest. "I have a lot planned for us in the next few hours. So a bit of... playtime was needed."

Fluttershy exhaled quietly from the end of her muzzle. It's just Rarity being Rarity and denying that she enjoyed being a silly filly, Fluttershy thought. Maybe she does need to start drinking. Play time sounds-

Oh gosh! Why would you ever suggest that!? How can you think that way? her innocent side protested.

Because... umm... it would make her even more adorable? And it's not like it's unnatural. Bisexuality is a common trait in ponies, and Rarity is one of the most beautiful ponies I know. Watch!

"You're right, Rarity," Fluttershy began, extending a wing to gently trace its tip across Rarity's chest. "You need to enjoy yourself and unwind because you have a lot planned tonight. You were just expressing yourself in a way that you simply don't let yourself do often. Don't be silly and be angry at yourself for doing that. You're just tense like the rest of us, but just don't admit it."

Rarity pondered, tapping her chin with the edge of a perfectly shaped forehoof. "That is a very roundabout and polite way to say I could use a bridling, and it has been since Bayston, as much as I hate to admit it's been nearly half a year. You see why I like you so much, Fluttershy? Tactful! You know exactly how I work and even I don't know how you do it half the time."

"Mmmhmm." Fluttershy's wing reached up to scratch behind Rarity's ears. Rarity let out a soft, happy cry of delight at the sudden rubbing. It was exactly as Fluttershy intended it to be.

"You're so cute when you do that." Fluttershy giggled. She hadn't even consciously realized she had nosed Rarity over onto her back. Rarity's squeak of protest at being pushed over only grew louder as the ear rubbing was followed by Fluttershy's forehooves tickling under her armpits.

"Nonononono, 'Shy-this isn't fair!" Rarity laughed, her face quickly turning red. Whatever anger or thoughts she had about how weird it was for Fluttershy to be tickling her and being so playful for no reason were lost. "Yes... I admit... heheh! I admit some fun is-oh you devil-I will get you!"

Rarity growled teasingly up at Fluttershy, the childish delight in her sapphire eyes making the grin across Fluttershy's muzzle that much wider.

"I'm not scared of you, Rarity. I've got you now!"

Fluttershy and Rarity laughed as Fluttershy laid on top of her, nipping at the end of her snout while her wings scratched Rarity's ears and her forehooves rubbed into her sides. Whatever coherent sounds Rarity was trying to make had broken down into squealing torrents of delight at the pleasure going through her body. Her sensible pretenses had been shoved aside for the fun of the moment, her tail lashing about as their frames pressed firmly into one another's.

And now... The Kiss.

Fluttershy gently pressed her lips into Rarity's, tilting her muzzle to the side to let the fuzz on their noses rub together. Rarity's gentle whinny in shock melted away with the kiss that caught her off guard.

Fluttershy's deep, ocean blue eyes looked at the ice blue slits underneath them.

What stole both of them away was the passion.

There was no malevolence in Fluttershy's intentions; only a repressed, perhaps minor crush on Rarity coming from her heart. How couldn't she have a crush on her? Rarity was so relaxed and gentle around Fluttershy. They shared so many of the same hobbies and passions. They laughed, gossiped, giggled, talked, and let the world pass them by when they were together.

There was no aggression in the kiss; there was only their powerful affection for one another, and the tender loving care that they had for each other's happiness.

And it broke Rarity.

Rarity wrapped her forehooves around Fluttershy's neck, stroking through her sinfully soft yellow fur as she returned the kiss without shame or regret. The faint crackle of their snouts rubbing together echoed in the air. They let the sweet kiss bounce off each other's ears, and it was turning both of them mentally into mush.

Fluttershy stroked firmly down her friend's sides, the gentle swaying of both of their flanks and tails in unison lulling them into a sense of security that they never wanted to go away. It was a deep, blissful friendship exploring its limits, and a momentary release and beginning of a long night ahead of them. They both quietly moaned into the affection, letting their loins press together, their desire and adult needs swirling together to form a cocktail that they both wished to drink from.

Perhaps some early day fun wasn't a bad idea after all. No pony would know...

Except for the one occupant who watched the faintly aroused, tail lifted plots in front of him.

For the second time that day two mares making out was not considered the norm - but taen again two colts making out was considered normal as well - nor a cheer worthy desire of stallions everywhere.

It was a way to ruin your month and change your life.

And for the second time that day, somepony should've locked their damn front door. Making out on the floor wasn't conducive for business. Or privacy.

Spike's face was beet red as he watched his sex idol make out with a very cute, butter colored pegasus on top of her. It was impossible for him not to smell either of them, but his brain hadn't quite reached the age to register its meaning. It would only be a month or two away from that. Then Twilight would have that problem on top of the others she was about to have coming tomorrow morning and over the coming months.

At the very least the image would last for years inside his head when that moment came. That was worth everything that ever could happen in Equestria to his brain only a few weeks away.

Rarity's eyes had opened at first to look seductively at Fluttershy's, keen on bringing her into the bedroom for some intimate 'details' on what her magical specialization had 'gifted' her with over the years. However, her eyes had turned into tiny dots of shock at Spike watching Fluttershy and herself make a soap opera not look awful.

She sputtered, whimpered, and was caught motionless, her body instantly turning stiff. She tried to think of something to say or how to reply. She came up blank.

Fluttershy opened up her mako colored eyes to the panic, fear blasted circles of Rarity's staring behind them. She quickly turned her head to look at what had turned Rarity to stone.

She liked what she saw.

Fluttershy rumbled out a sultry whinny toward Spike that was more suited for a mare of far worse tastes and ethical standards than herself. She slowly licked her lips of Rarity's saliva to add it to her own, her eyes fluttering rapidly at Spike.

"Oh, a baby dragon," she purred, hiking up her flowing pink tail to give Spike a better view. A much, much better view. "I've never bucked a baby dragon before. Sure you might be small, but oh those ridges-"

Rarity left behind the violin playing romance she was in with that one sentence Fluttershy uttered. "Are you suggesting a child have sex with us!?"

"U-u-uhh keep on going!" Spike said with a nervous chuckle. "Whatever sex is, keep doing it. So is this like... a super version of getting laid?"

Fluttershy gave her sunshine colored rump and the darker fur between it more than a little shake. "Oh we'll do you, Spike, and get you laid," Fluttershy growled huskily. "Nice, and hard-"

What slammed across Fluttershy's face was the backhoofed slap of Rarity.

It was a slap of legends. A slap so many colts - and a mare or six - had felt. A slap of the gods that would have brought an alicorn to their knees. Of perfect anatomical precision. It had the most resonating crack of hoof on flesh; of the perfect tempo and grace.

Fluttershy had just been bitch slapped, by the empress, of bitch slaps.

Fluttershy cried as reality hit her full force, in addition to the edges of a polished forehoof. She was a broken soul who had just realized she had offered sex to a child.

Well an adolescent-

By Whinneykey Candles and Chicken in a Biskit crackers, shut the buck up perverted side of me!

The silence was golden.

Spike, was in awe.

Fluttershy was a half whimpering, quivering wreck, which was apt to describe her in most tense situations. Tears streaked down her muzzle as she looked between Rarity and Spike. She had been forced to rest weakly on her side as if she were about to be put to sleep by the sheer gravitas of Rarity's slap.

Rarity - although very much adoring Fluttershy and Spike a vast majority of the time - was livid.

Her regal composure was regained as quickly as it had been melted away, aided by a royal anger that was unleashing itself like a police dog sent to attack a criminal.

She pulled herself up onto her hooves with a powerful rock of her body, snorting at Spike and Fluttershy like she was about to charge down a pony apt on having their way with her. Her once sparkling eyes had become icy cold with a hellish fury near to what had graced them earlier that day.

“I don’t know what disgusts me more,” she spat. “Fluttershy, you unleashing some pedophile side of you. Or you, Spike, not having the courtesy to just... I don’t know, bloody knock on my damn door first!”

Fluttershy felt the many parts of her mind dueling and swirling together. But one thing stood out. One overwhelming urge replaced the traffic jam inside of her muzzle.

Oh, no, she, didn’t.

Oh yes. Yes, she did.

“I’m not a pedophile!” Fluttershy roared at Rarity, slamming her snout into Rarity's with a screaming neigh. “As if you don’t like him chasing your tail, Rarity? Fluttering your eyelashes and swaying your withers and just waiting for him to hit puberty and do you hard like the pearl necklace wearing whorse you are? You'll lift your tail for anypony to make life easier for you. And you think Rainbow's withers is the talk of Ponyville? Hah!”

"At least I don't hang around animals all day and surely enjoy intimate lessons on their anatomies," Rarity growled, scoffing at the ground aggressively. "I'm sure you are Lyra would-"

Enough! Both of you!”

Rarity and Fluttershy slowly turned their heads to look at Spike's serpentine eyes burning into their hearts, the bright emerald shine in his draconic eyes glowing like kryptonite.

Spike shoved himself between Rarity and Fluttershy. “You two are the best of friends, and I don’t give a crap that you two were getting 'laid' or whatever you adult ponies do. But I’m not going to let you two tear each other apart like this! If this is what getting laid with friends is about and does to a pony then count me out of ever doing it. Because you two need to stop, and if getting laid does this to you two, the nicest mares I know?... Disgusting."

Fluttershy and Rarity's eyes slowly made contact, the anger burning in them melting away into sorrow as they both collectively whimpered.

"This isn't harmony or friendship at all," Spike continued. "Maybe this is why Rainbow says she does this with ponies she barely knows. Because it can bite you in the plot if you get too close. I don't often say this... but maybe Rainbow's right. You two are super close friends, and-”

“Fluttershy... let us never speak of this again,” Rarity said, stroking the end of Fluttershy's muzzle. “Except perhaps to Rainbow, who would - as much as I hate to admit it - know better than all of us what we need to do.” She scoffed at the ground shyly, averting her gaze. “I think... I treasure you more as a dear friend than-”

Fluttershy pecked Rarity gently on the lips. “You don’t need to say anything, Rarity. I love you as a friend, just the way you are. I'm... sorry that I said all of those things about you. It's not your fault that you are one of the most beautiful mares in Equestria, if not the whole world."

"And I'm sorry for implying such horrific things about you and your passion for animals, Fluttershy." Rarity rubbed her cheek into Fluttershy's, letting out a soft, loving coo. "It seems we both have some issues of our own that we need to resolve tonight. To think that I was focusing so much on Rainbow and Twilight getting laid for their mental health."

"Getting... umm... ‘laid’ with you isn’t important.” Fluttershy could not stop the corners of her lips from twitching.

Rarity slowly smiled back. “Y-y-yes, why should we do that when we can get 'laid' at the club,” Rarity giggled. "Meet somepony new after all, and I'm always on the look out for a lovely coltfriend who can help me with... 'things'."

“Great,” Spike sighed, blowing out a gentle huff of smoke. “Here I go, doing something Twilight would be proud of, and you two are talking about getting laid and sex with strangers. Well at least you two are talking and-”

The dots connected in Spike’s mind. Like the sudden parting of the heavens his youthful innocence was shattered. Forever.

Spike learned what getting laid and the subtle meaning of sex really meant.

And he had convinced the Cutie Mark Crusaders to do it.

“Oh, buck!” he shouted.

“Spike Sparkle!” Fluttershy neighed, turning her glowing eyes toward Spike with distain, “how dare you use such lang-”

“I have to stop the Cutie Mark Crusaders from seeing those sex books!”

Horror. It was the defining emotion that etched itself across Fluttershy and Rarity's faces at the sheer armageddon that would happen if the Cutie Mark Crusaders learned about the incredibly vast world of pornography and sex.

"W-w-what!?" Rarity backed away in shock, stumbling over onto her rump. "What-"

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders want to party like you all are about to tonight," Spike blurted. "They want to get drunk, and eat, and..."

He shook his head. "I can stop this. All I have to do is hide them since they don't know what it is yet, and then convince them that getting drunk is more fun. Besides, do you really think any colt wants to go within ten feet of them? They destroy everything."

"That doesn't solve anything!" Rarity panicked, grabbing Spike violently. "Are you insane?"

"I haven't got that far!" Spike shot back, staring down Rarity. "Okay... I'll go to Twilight and tell her, and if I'm not back here in twenty minutes it means she thinks I can handle it. Now that I know what you all are doing tonight, you need it. Badly."


Spike silenced Rarity, placing a paw on her lips. "If you promise to kiss me for thirty seconds later, I promise you they won't know what sex is until you tell them what it is. We both get what we want."

Fluttershy blinked rapidly at the exchange, looking at the now enlightened Spike in front of her talking about sex as casually as most members of the male species did. And unsurprisingly, he manipulated his new found knowledge to get what he wanted out of Rarity.

He has Twilight's cunning, and that's going to get him in a lot of trouble in the future.

But what else can we do? she thought.

Well, I could always Stare them, her rational mind countered.

You don't even know where they are, and by the time you do it'll be too late. And we'll miss the spa appointment, and that would be awful!

She could feel that logical side of her mind look at her as if she wasn't herself.

Umm... I'm pretty sure the Cutie Mark Crusaders learning about mating is more important than doing some yourself. And-

Spike would clean Applejack's pigs with his tongue to make out with Rarity.

She heard nothing more from her more reasonable side.

For the longest several seconds in both Rarity's and Spike's lives Rarity looked at Spike with a wide range of emotions across her muzzle. Disgust, contempt, curiosity, and dare she admit it, acceptance. With a pinch of approval.

"You're a sly little bastard, you know that?" Rarity couldn't help but faintly smile.

Spike couldn't help but smile back. "I learned it from you and Twilight, and it was time I grew up anyways," he winked.

Rarity huffed. "Fine. Deal. Now what are you waiting for? Stop them!” Rarity shouted at Spike, shoving him away from her.

He offered no reply, other than giving her the most devious grin that he had ever done in his entire life, blasting out of the Boutique at a speed that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash would whistle in admiration at.

Fluttershy and Rarity looked at each other.

Nothing was said for what seemed like an eternity.

They looked at the walls, ceilings, and back toward each other when every object around them had been thoroughly analyzed. Their eyes looked each other over, processing their love, friendship, the day, the future night, and the future in general. Of everything that had happened and would happen, for good or ill.

They smiled, frowned, and bit their bottom lips as one.

“Tequila?” Rarity said.

Fluttershy nodded. “I could go for a shot.”

“Mare, please, at least four.”

“Three and you can tickle me.”


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