• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,184 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Four: The Mares Of The Top-Heavy Round Table

Well I wasn’t expecting her to react that way about the mentioning of sex. I was being tactful about it. Can’t a mare help another one experience the joys of a night out, deep intimacy, and learning about what they enjoy? If anypony needs it the most, it's Twilight.

Rarity's plan was very simple and straight forward: Open up Twilight to the possibilities that a bit of sexual exploration could give her, and watch her confidence soar. Sex was almost always the worst the first time around. It was a nearly universal constant. But at least Twilight would be able to grow and learn from it, like most ponies did.

Twilight really needs to stop being so paranoid about it, Rarity thought. But than again, asking Twilight to not be paranoid about something she is already paranoid about is just... foolish.

The flustered anger that Twilight was showing - much akin to Rainbow Dash’s, although not quite as cute if Rarity were asked about it - had turned into the shy, rambling concern that she had when she opened up about a subject she had little experience in.

“So you want me to just skip the first date stage and go... that far?” Twilight said, snorting in amusement. "Sounds a little... extreme, Rarity. A Rainbow Dash kind of extreme. That's not right, coming from you."

Rarity sighed quietly, resting her forehooves gently on the table in front of her. A morning cup of caffeine was what both of them needed, and Plains Trotters had just about everything anypony could ask for if they sought casual food or some sort of caffeinated beverage. Outside of the library it was the Elements' favorite meeting and eating spot.

The espresso in Rarity's magic was going to be needed as much today as it was during a hectic night of late night dressmaking if she were going to get her plan to work.

If this plan is going to succeed I'm going to have to keep her from thinking too hard. Despite being a very smart pony herself Rarity knew that the raw ponypower in Twilight's mind was frightful. She needed to keep her friend flustered and confused until the last moment if she wanted to stay ahead.

It was time to try the motherly approach.

Rarity smiled sweetly at Twilight. “Twilight, dear, you are twenty. I’m not saying that dating in the manner you are speaking of isn’t good for you; on the contrary. Once you’ve had a bit of fun I more than insist that is the route for a pony such as yourself, and I am more than happy to help you in any manner that I can. However, I think it’s time you... 'enter' another rite of passage into adulthood, you could say.”

Twilight mumbled incoherently, twirling a mixing spoon through her tea. She rolled her eyes dismissively. “Thanks for the special treatment, mom," she said flatly. "What is this, a baptism by fire? I'm not sure it works like that, Rarity.”

Well that didn't go as planned, now did it? Rarity sighed mentally. Twilight was constructing a wall of sarcasm around her stubborness to Rarity's idea, which only demonstrated how serious Twilight's problem was and how Rarity was nipping at that armor.

Or... did it work? She pressed further.

“We all have to go through this, Twilight,” Rarity continued, leaning gently on the table. “You know how much I talk about my ideal colt? It’s because I have the confidence to know I can handle myself in all the manners that a relationship entails. I have that practical knowledge that you know full well tempers theoretical. You are very close to being able to handle that yourself, but until you are able to handle yourself emotionally and physically you will flounder, and that’s the last thing the rest of us want.”

“When did you become my mother?” Twilight groaned, taking a long sip from her spiced tea. Her violet eyes had begun to cross in anger, and her tail flicked upward to add to the gesture.

Much like Rainbow Dash - which scared Rarity at the thought of Twilight and Rainbow sharing traits - Twilight's resistance was growing firmer as Rarity neared her mark. It only showed that her method of persuasion was working. She knew what lines she could cross.

“When I realized my friend needed a bit of help escaping her 'fortress of solitude',” Rarity quipped, tittering quietly to herself.

“Come now," she said, waving a forehoof dismissively, "we already know you pleasure yourself, so it’s not as if you are completely unaware of the joys of self-release. Is it a recently acquired talent?”

Be blunt, kind, curious, make her embarrassed, and advise. All at the same time. That is the best way to get through to you, Twilight, when you set your shields to full. And Rainbow Dash, oddly enough.

The parallels between Twilight and Rainbow were beginning to make Rarity's soul shiver.

“Rarity!” Twilight hissed, her cheeks burning brightly, “that’s private. And we're in public!” She looked around to see if anypony else was listening in on their conversation. So far, the coast was clear, but the panic was still splattered on her muzzle.

One more punch.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “I guess three years of friendship, near death, and evil just doesn’t cover intimate details anymore. Oh... drat.

Fine, Rarity. Fine.” Twilight's tail thudded on the stone beneath her as she threw her forehooves into the air. She crossed them over her chest afterwards, looking away from Rarity with a pouting anger that Rarity knew all too well.

“Of course I know how to... clop," Twilight said. "And that’s the truth! There’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s completely natural."

The absurdity of the situation and conversation finally hit Twilight, causing her to break out into a short laugh, shaking her muzzle from side to side. "I can't believe I'm telling you this. That we're talking about this."

And there you are, Rarity hummed to herself mentally. We have breached the walls, men! She could feel her sapphire orbs gleam in personal satisfaction from not only working her own magic, but ready to hear Twilight's woes. It was more important than a small ego stroking. Although a gentle petting of Rarity's own ego was certainly appreciated.

“Then why are you so hidden about it?" Rarity asked. "Surely you know we've all talked about it; Truth or Dare has brought out many secrets, although I would hardly call ‘self pleasure’ a secret. Your memory is extraordinary, Twilight, and I do not believe a bit of alcohol would ruin it.”

“Because it’s a taboo subject?” Twilight said, tapping the table with a forehoof. She looked around once again for ghosts that were not there. Satisfied, she rested her forehooves on the table, taking a deep drought of her tea. "I'm not Rainbow Dash, Applejack, or even slightly like Pinkie Pie."

Rarity peeked her eyes above her espresso. "But I thought you were?"

Twilight smiled snidely at Rarity's humor, much akin to her own. "I hate you, Rarity," she chuckled.

"Hugs and kisses for all of eternity, sweetie," Rarity winked. “Now correct me if I'm wrong, but did you say talking about sex with your closest friends is taboo? Oh do point to the social etiquette book that says this, as I would love to read it."

"And you'd most likely want to read my book on my personal sexual fantasies too," Twilight grinned, "but you've always been a voyeur like that, and like being caught in the act."

Rarity sputtered on her words as Twilight laughed in revenge. "T-t-this isn't about me! This is about you. Now come, you know full well dating surely will lead to sex eventually, and I am nearly certain you aren’t a waiting till marriage kind of mare, now are you?”

What shocked Rarity the most was Twilight's honesty.

Twilight leaned back, the smile on her muzzle fading as she let out a quiet sigh. “I... want to be... cuddled." Her posture and eyes softened as she meekly stared at her tea. "I get tense, as you know. And... well... the thought of somepony beside me to unwind after a long day of research sounds... enjoyable.”

She clopped her forehooves loudly together, chuckling shyly. "And well... to test out some... 'theories', and so you are half right there. Or... fully right."

Rarity sipped on her espresso, smiling gently at Twilight. "You see? Affection is a very basic need for a pony to have, so you should not be ashamed of yourself if you wish to seek it. Just make sure you have no pretty innocent princess thoughts about sex being repulsive unless he’s your ‘one true love’ if it comes to that.”

She smiled at the concept, and watched Twilight's smile grow in unison. Rarity had aged a bit over the recent few years as well, and had once believed in such sexual purity. Not anymore. It was asinine of her now to think of anyponies' first mating partner being perfect.

She herself was close though. One must be modest with themselves. And modest she was.

“Well of course I have some doubts,” Twilight said, a peaceful and slightly excited smile crossing her muzzle. Her mind had switched to what she was best: A calm and rational scientist. “Sex is an emotionally binding experience and chances are I’d not stay with them for long statistically.”

Rarity nodded softly. “Mmm. That's a real concern we all have; we don't want you to be hurt knowing that's the case, Twilight, and we’re here to help you sort through those feelings when they happen. I’m more than sure there is a colt around here or nearby not only attracted to you but who will treat you right. One who is more than willing to show an affectionate side.”

“Unless you think I can be emotionally detached from the beginning and just... uhh... ‘stand it’?" Twilight failed to repress a snort, letting the dry humor hover in the air. It was funny to her. That was all that mattered.

“Okay, I'm not that detached emotionally," Twilight giggled. "I just need to open up a bit. It’s only a hyper minority of ponies who don’t mate before marriage. Sexual incapability is a variable I’m not keen on keeping unknown.”

“Or many variables for that matter,” Rarity giggled in return. Many variables indeed, she thought. “Don’t jump too far, Twilight dear. This is fun we are talking about, not wedding bells and dresses.”

She sat back in her chair, feeling her pupils go wide in shock. “Did I... just say what I thought I said!?”

I did... woe befall my lineage! It was a good thing she wasn't going to have any children.

With laughter bursting from her lungs, Twilight nearly fell over onto her side. “You did!”

Rarity mumbled incoherent vulgarities to herself in disapproval. The shame would never go away, unless it did later this evening. Hopefully.

Twilight rested her forehooves on top of the table, the smile across her muzzle a balance to Rarity's frown. “And I guess when you put it that way if there’s any way I want to explore myself, it’d be with my best friends. I just don’t want to rush into it.”

“Don’t worry, Twi'. Exploring yourself is something I rock at, although I don’t think ‘friendship with benefits’ is a good idea with us, and that’s coming from me.”

Twilight and Rarity screeched at Rainbow's voice behind them, thankful for the magic holding their hot drinks in check.

“Where did you come from!?” they said in tandem.

Rainbow idly shrugged. “Escaping from Applejack and Pinkie Pie chasing after me about my sex life. Pretty much I'm kinda horny today."

"I'm truly shocked," Rarity said. "I was expecting something along the lines of 'I'm Rainbow Dash and a quarter of Ponyville looks good to me'."

"I came to them looking for help," Dash continued, glaring at Rarity, "but no, they had to make fun of it. And... help me at the same time, but that's not important right now. At least I’m here to help ya, Twi'. Because as the local sex expert ya can't go wrong with me."

“How much did you hear!?” Twilight cried.

Rainbow shrugged again. She was very good at shrugging. “Just the last bit about cuddling ‘n touchy feely stuff ‘n how Rarity thinks you need your horn waxed. Which is all cool.”

“You could've at least announced yourself, Rainbow Dash, instead of snooping.” Rarity huffed, tugging on one of Rainbow's ears with a thrum of magic.

Dash winced, flapping her wings harder in protest.

“I was trying to open up Twilight so she could get the bravado she needs to find a stable colt,” Rarity continued. “I’m not seeking for Twilight to trot out and throw herself at the nearest stallion available. I'm simply suggesting that if she wishes to find a coltfriend you and I know better in that she needs to dip into the water first."

And here comes Rainbow smashing everything I worked so hard on. Why am I not surprised?

Twilight slammed her forehooves onto the table, anger trickling in her eyes. "Why are you talking about me and my sex life as if I'm not even here? Is this what Spike feels like around me?"

“It’s what my ear feels like right now," Rainbow growled at Rarity. "And Pinkie grabbed my chest today in a way I didn't want to be grabbed. Hard. And I worked out this morning. Can I get a break from physical stuff for once?”

Rainbow flapped her wings rapidly, pulling back from Rarity’s magic. Her wings were strong enough to break away from Rarity's hold, although not without sending Rarity squealing onto her back.

Dash caught Rarity's drink on one of her hind legs, scooping it up with a forehoof to sniff at the compressed beans. “Eww! It smells like concentrated death, and not the awesome kind of concentrated death.”

Twilight had buried her head in her forehooves, all of Rarity's efforts having collapsed. It was just another normal day in Ponyville and around her friends once again. It just happened to have been about sex this time.

She prepared herself for the worst.

“Today is going to be awful,” she droned, shaking her snout from side to side. “I need something to eat before I want to scream. No... I just might scream anyways, now that Rainbow knows about this. So who else wants to dive into my sex life?”

Rainbow slid beside Twilight, grinning widely as she folded her wings. “Now that’s a life question I wanna know; do you do that deep grunt of frustration ya do or a little moan? Or something high pitched when you clop?”

“Do you have any filter, Rainbow?” Twilight replied. Her amethyst eyes glowed like daggers into the cerise ones looking excitedly at her own, winning the battle of wills. Rainbow retreated with a meek, very faint sound of submission, coughing as if nothing had happened. It was impossible for Twilight not to smile at her small personal victory.

Rarity pulled herself up onto her seat once again, growling between her teeth at Rainbow. “Welcome to you too, Miss Dash. I hope you've enjoyed your morning as much as we have.”

We are now accepting passengers to the chemistry of Rainbow and Twilight’s minds dancing around each other. The train from Rainbow’s brutal honesty to Twilight’s dry snideness will be leaving shortly. We must warn those on board train on train collisions are common.

“Ehh, it’s been up and down, and not in the flying or plot bouncing kind of way,” Rainbow replied.

Great," Twilight hissed, "now I have to deal with Rainbow talking about her sex life more than she does normally."

"Hey!" Rainbow replied, flapping her wings once. "You're just... a bit antsy right now. Like me." Her tone grew softer, biting her lower lips in the awfully adorable manner that she did. It hurt Rarity to look at it, as much as she would deny it. It hurt her even more she found Rainbow cute in any manner.

Twilight stared at her drink dejectedly, tiredly blinking at the tea in front of her. “So when is the next monster going to attack before I have a seizure?”

However, do note that a line of playful energy to wised curiosity may be in the works... Rarity liked what she saw.

“Tsk tsk," Rarity began, waving her forehoof slowly at her two friends, "two mares in front of me needing some help from Rarity. Why am I not surprised?”

She idly twirled a strand of her purple hair, eyeing Rainbow and Twilight with a growing smile that was bordering on something more sinister than it needed to be.

It is time to recover this, dear Rarity, and slyly weave them back into my trap once more. Wait.. no! Not a trap! Plan... It was a plan most cunning.

Dash and Twilight looked at each other, glancing between themselves and Rarity.

“Can... I get something to eat before I think you talk about what I think you are about to talk about?” Rainbow chuckled nervously. “Because if you are about to talk about what I think you are about to talk about I think this is a horrible idea, and I’ve had my share of horrible ideas.”

Rarity purred quietly, Twilight and Rainbow gulping down small balls of saliva. “We all know how open you are, Dash dear, and I have a... hunch that Twilight is as well; as it is reasonable for a pony to judge someone by their hearts. What is between their legs is just an accepted outcome.”

“Oh hey look, a perfect timing for me to jump into an awkward conversation and make it even more awkward-I have a tendency to do that-but here you two will totally thank me!”

Pinkie leaped into a chair idly, crossing her hind legs as Rainbow, Rarity, and Twilight cried in shock, falling over onto their backs.

“See?" Pinkie giggled. "I’m a life saver. Aren't you glad I can make problems go away so easily? Nothing like a Pinkie to make your problems go away for another day."

Damn it all to Tartarus, that rascal! Rarity cursed mentally. “Can we please not be scared like that again today?” Rarity frantically panted, pulling herself upright once more. “What if I got expresso on my coat and burned myself? Or heavens forbid did some bodily function in fear!?” It would ruin everything, and there is only so much I can handle before I faint or get my couch!

“Pinkie Pie, don’t do that, you scared the crap out of us!” Twilight sighed, tapping Pinkie on her nose. “Although on second thought... it was getting a bit weird. Thanks.”

“No problem, Twi’,” Pinkie tittered. “I’m here to serve the public in any way I can, other than what Rainbow immediately thought of. No, Dashie, no.”

“Whatever,” Rainbow said dismissively, waving her wing at Pinkie's quiet giggles. “Now I have post-adrenal fatigue. I need a drink.”

“You see, Twilight? This is why you don’t drink early, despite the very large temptation you may have to do so,” Rarity said, stabbing a forehoof at Rainbow. “Rainbow Dash is the living example of alcoholism hidden deep within an athlete. Why do you think those scandals always happen to those at the top?”

Rarity's mind quickly formed a checklist. Both of them stressed? Check. Depressed? Check. One wizened and the other inexperienced? Check.

“Screw you, Rarity, and not with anything arousing," Rainbow groaned. Her muzzle collapsed on the table, her cerise eyes staring off into space. "Energy drink number three. That sounds so good right now. Although drinking is tempting too.”

“I’ve got ya covered, RD. Now let’s all settle down, and sort through our problems like grown mares ‘n figure what in the hay we’ve all trotted ourselves into.”

Unlike both the entrances of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, Applejack had clearly made her presence known, rolling a can of concentrated willpower off of her hat onto a forehoof.

“I knew you girls would be here, and by the look of panic on y’all’s faces - except you, Pinkie - I see we got ourselves a crisis that needs to be roped in before it turns into a tornado.”

Dash accepted the can with a quickly spreading grin at the nectar of the old Pegasi’ gods in delight.

As Applejack pulled up a chair around the circular table, the situation was indeed becoming one that the five Elements of Harmony needed to fix.

Six, if one included Fluttershy humming happily to herself as she half danced through the air toward her friends.

The other Elements raised their eyebrows at the raw delight coming from Fluttershy’s frame. There was Fluttershy level happiness, and than there was Fluttershy slightly high on drugs level happiness. This was leaning toward the later.

It was Twilight who threw up her forehooves in thanks to the improbable impossibilities of chance working toward her favor for just once this day. “Thank you!” she cheered. “Thank you! Somepony who clearly isn’t insane today."

"But I haven't-" Applejack began.

Twilight ignored her. "Please tell me, Fluttershy, you are doing perfectly fine, aren’t possessed by some evil mind controlling entity that would still make today better than what I’ve been forced to go through, and can at least be a voice of reason to my other friends who are trying to either set me up with another friend, are flirting with me, or are controlling my sex life?”

"So, Twilight, how's your sex life?" Pinkie asked in a weird accent.

“Rarity, or Rainbow, or Pinkie is settin’ you up with who now?” Applejack blinked, sitting herself down. "First Pinkie's been frisky, then Rainbow, and now the rest of y'all are? Why do I have the feelin' this is gonna be a long day?"

"Because of tonight?" Pinkie said. "It's 'lets party like real mares night! We're just starting earlier than we usually do."

Rainbow exhaled happily as she sipped her Mooster, feeling the chemicals flush her system. “I’m not setting up anypony; it’s Rarity trying to maybe get Twilight to date-”

“-I am not-you two would grow much from each other!" Rarity sputtered.

No! I was supposed to have this under control, how could I let it slip away!? Is this what Nightmare Moon must of felt like?

You were her once, her mind replied.

I do not wish to remember those times. Be quiet!

Pinkie lifted up her forehooves, pushing away the idea physically. “Woah, Rarity. Friendship with benefits is not gonna work with the whole Harmony thing going. Me and Dashie should know!"

Twilight had resulted to thudding her head on the table at the conversation around her. It was the best thing she could do for her intellect. “Mental breakdown in five, four, three."

“Girls. Shh.”

With a gentle flutter of her wings, Fluttershy sat down to complete the circle of the Elements. She looked calm and serene, more so than she normally did. Angelic peace was more apt for Fluttershy at the moment, and it didn’t seem like she would change from that mindset any time soon.

“I think we all need to settle down,” she said sweetly. “Today is going to be very fun, and you all look like you need to open up and talk. Now, why don’t we all relax, take deep breaths, and get this out early. I’m sure more will come out tonight, but until then we should enjoy the rest of our day doing whatever we want.”

“Flutters’ is right,” Applejack nodded, smiling at Fluttershy. “I think we all need to settle down, maybe nibble on somethin’, and figure out exactly what is goin’ on. Cause... I think I’m not the only one confused here."

Alright, we have two very reasonable mares here to back me up, Rarity sighed. All I have to do is relax, take it easy as Twilight would during a world ending event, gently push the conversation in one direction, set something up, and-

Sometimes, genius came in white and beautifully furred packages.

Oh. Oh, Rarity, you wondrous mare. You wondrous, wondrous mare. Play your cards well and this could go without a hitch. Not only will your friends have lovely new looks, but you might make this night far better than any that we've ever had. You are a devil, and you should be proud of that.

Just... try not to cry yourself to sleep about the monetary expense. She put all of her energy and focus into regaining the composure that her muzzle and voice once had. She would need it.

The world should be thankful she wasn't a dictator in the making and used her facial and vocal beauty to corrupt the lives of millions.

"I think," Rarity said, "what we need to do is eat something and explain exactly what we are all wanting tonight," she said smoothly. "Nothing some idle chatter and fact finding can not fix. Don't you agree, Twilight?"

Twilight nodded slowly, her purple eyes looking back with determination into Rarity's own. Excellent, Rarity mentally trilled. "And you need to explain why you think Rainbow and I should-"

Rarity waved a forehoof at Twilight's statement. "A misunderstood slip, but why don't I treat you all out for lunch, because I think after sorting things out, I have a very big idea for tonight."

Rainbow Dash glanced at her friends in concern, swallowing down a large chug of her drink. She almost choked on it.

"I don't like the sound of this," Rainbow coughed, patting her throat.

"But it's free food, Rainbow, how can you forget that?" Pinkie beamed. "And I don't have to pay for it. So it's a double whammy of amazingness!"

Applejack looked skeptical at the idea until Fluttershy clopped her forehooves in approval.

"That's a wonderful idea, Rarity," Fluttershy said. "Everypony is tense, and there's nothing like nutritional food to help."

Yes. Help.

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