• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,188 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Eight: Pink And Purple Ponderings

Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe that she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways.

Ponies had always secretly asked why she didn't seem to be all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew they would be like her too.

Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of... everything, there was another kind of dipping that her practical education had taught her: Today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

Yeah it does, and it’s your fault, Mr. Narrator!

She was not an alcoholic or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think by her erratic behavior. Considering her love of parties she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consumed in moderation. Otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse than just a party.

Or better, depending on her urges and the crowd.

Those urges usually tended to get very messy.

Although I’m half tempted to be a drinker because of you! What are you planning, author person!? How can you toy with Dashie and Jackie and Twilight and Rares like this? They all need a pony to cuddle and you’re fiddling with their hearts and crotches. You’re awful, mister. And now I'm a frisky filly who needs a firm, flickering fondling, and you freckled my flanks for your freaking fun! Dark wings, dark words with you.

The smooth voice inside her head - other than her own - reminded her that while acceptable breaks of reality were passable there was a limit as to what Pinkie Pie was allowed to do.

The story was unbent, unbound, and unbroken by her semantics, and would-

No! You don’t order me around. I’m gonna speak my mind, mister, and you’re gonna like it. Yeah, we’re all kinda horny for some ba donka donking, and sure we all could use a colt or mare or two, but it doesn't mean you get to hurt us. No! I cross the line there. We girls love each other a trillion billion times, and I’m not gonna let you break us apart.

The narrator would like to remind Pinkie Pie that this is not Stranger than Fiction, and that she will go along with the plot, much like Harold did.

With a sweet hum in her ear she would be soothed to know that no harm would come to her or her friends, other than pratfalls, hangovers, and maybe a few tissues in hopeful sobs of love. There would be adventures, joy, exploring of brews, body parts, love, and friendship. There was much of this saga to cover, and only so little time to do it.

Hmmf! There’s been more tension in our plots than in Superbad and Amareican Pie combined in this story. Fix this, mister. I’m warning you. If you don't solve these problemos...

The voice inside of Pinkie’s head was confident that she would be bent to it's will, much like she was bent over crying for more when Rainbow slapped her pudgy, plump posterior during their past playtimes. The puffy, pink prostitute practically prayed for more poundings by that plastered Pegasi' paddle.

Oh you little-

Only one sentence was apt for the plush, pink puff of a pony: We’re sorry, but we can’t let you do that, Pinkie Pie.

You’re out of your element, narrator pony man! That’s it, I’m hijacking this story and you can’t stop me!

Ahem! Twilight-

Ash nazg durbatulûk.

W-what? I don't speak-

Ash nazg gimbatul.

I-I-I don't know what's-

Ash nazgthrakatulûk-

P-please stop, voicee, you're scaring-

-agh burzum-ishikrimpatul!

Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, narratoree pony humanie. I’ll trust you. Just... don’t scare me? I’ll be a good filly...

The narrator was pleased with the playful, prancing pony. It would be sure to give her many pettings and pats between the chapters.

P-p-promise?

Satisfaction would ease through Pinkie's mind. It was a Pinkie Pie Promise. How could one not want to scratch her pink, plush ears and stroke her coat?

Okay... Story time?


Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe that she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways.

Ponies had always secretly asked why she didn't seem to be all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew they would be like her too.

Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of... everything, there was another kind of dipping that her practical education had taught her: Today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

She was not an alcoholic or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think by her erratic behavior. Considering her love of parties she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consumed in moderation. Otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse than just a party.

Or better, depending on her urges and the crowd.

Those urges usually tended to get very messy.

Today was different.

It was going to be a long day emotionally for all of her friends; she could feel it on the tip of her left ear. They were going to need tonight more than ever before, and that meant letting loose the restraint that they held back in public.

However little restraint that they held.

While today had not been a shining example of the Elements of Harmony holding themselves back, they had better days.

Which is why we’re drinking early. Party time! Well... more like relaxing time.

The logic of drinking to make a day better - or significantly worse - had been a constant in the multiverse since time began.

Besides, Twilight needed the alcohol more than Pinkie did, and the difference once Twilight had some alcohol in her system was immediately noticeable.

Sitting behind a table in Sugarcube Corner, Twilight and Pinkie Pie were enjoying drinks of a not child legal nature, and it was only reminding both of them about how innocent Equestria never really was.

Twilight's tail swished contently behind herself for the first time that day, taking another sip of her mixed drink, faintly fluttering her eyes in sedated bliss. That alone only made the smile on Pinkie's face that much more warm and fuzzy.

"I can't believe how good you make Dirty Stalliongradi's, Pinkie," Twilight said. "We shouldn't be doing this this early you know." She giggled excitedly. "It feels so wrong, but you know... I just don't care! I feel like tonight is going to be better than Shining's wedding. Or my eighteenth. Or Bayston!"

Pinkie Pie snorted in delight at Twilight's reaction, clopping her forehooves together in glee. "It's nice to have you back to normal, Twilight. I think you've been so pent up today, and all you needed was some sweet Pinkie drinks. Chocolate milk, vodka, and coffee liqueur? Best mix ever!"

They both giggled with abandon, sipping their brown mixture of soul purging alcohol.

Sunday was a wonderful day. With the store closed early it meant that not only were the Cakes free to do as they pleased but it also meant that Pinkie herself was free as well. If that involved making some very potent mixed drinks early in the day, then who was going to stop her?

Nopony! she thought. Stopping Pinkie Pie from doing something took an amount of effort that involved more than one mere pony.

Usually, it involved five. And even then the success rate was only around fifty percent.

"It's great to be back," Twilight continued. She rested her forehooves on the counter, her posture relaxed. She leaned her neck forward, looking at Pinkie with honest happiness. "I woke up this morning concerned about my weight, and then Rarity came in to tell me I need to have a roll in the hay before I should start dating. Then you all began being clop crazed, and then Rarity flipped out." She snorted dryly, rolling her eyes at the everlasting drama that followed her. "I can see why Berry Punch does what she does."

Pinkie raised an eyebrow, resting her forehooves on the table. "Hold up, Twi'. You're concerned you're fat?"

Twilight's eyes slowly turned into slits of purple that were not amused by the current topic.

There's Twilight. Seriousness ship sailing from San Franciscolt!

"Nice way of putting it, but yes," Twilight said. "I've gained fifteen pounds since coming here. I want to get back down in weight. Need to, in fact. I don't want to slow you all down if a physically demanding adventure tires me out. And... well... I’d feel better about myself if I was back to the weight I am biologically meant to be."

"Silly filly, I'm like, a thousand pounds, and look at me!" Pinkie said.

Twilight blinked slowly, her glare becoming sharper. "No. You're not."

"Ugh! Fine, Twilight, way to not take a joke," Pinkie pouted. "I'm two fifteen. I'm not a balloon!"

Pinkie scooted back in her chair, giving her curly stomach fur a ruffle to shake the soft girth underneath. She was certainly pudgy, but it would've been more apt to put her on the lines known as 'husky' more than anything. "See? I’m an Earth pony with... like... not enough muscle since I don't do anything super work outy. So it’s chub! Rainbow finds me adorable though. She thinks you’re adorable too.”

“Hmmph,” Twilight huffed, laying back in her chair, folding her forehooves at the comment. She blew at her bangs. “That’s no excuse on my part. You make food that shouldn’t legally taste as good as it does. I still think Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow can help me trim myself back down. You’d... support me right?”

“Of course I’d support you!” Pinkie slurped loudly on her creamy, thick stout, letting the hit of coffee merge into the dark chocolate fudge and end with the burning twang of vodka slithering down her throat.

Mmm, mmm, mmm! Pinkie Winkie you are damn good at what you do! Give yourself a hoof!

Hoof given.

Hoof accepted. "You have lots of reasons to be stressed, Twilight," Pinkie said softly, patting Twilight's forehooves. "You just have to find you're way of not making them... well... worse. I mean... we can count off the stressful things that have happened right now. Moonie, Discord, Chrysalis, the Caneighdian incident.”

“That was Applejack and Rainbow’s fault,” Twilight said flatly, sipping her drink once more. She chuckled in amusement. “Hay, half of our problems either directly involve me, Applejack, or Rainbow Dash."

Pinkie tittered gaily. “Well duh, that’s three of us. So if the other three are added that means all of our problems come from us, which they do! Evil forces of doom just like to doomy doom us.”

Twilight's tail snapped behind herself, her eyes half closing into another firm stare deep into Pinkie's glowing eyes.

And yet, try as she might, Twilight couldn't help but feel a smirk creep across the corners of her lips. “Wiseflank.”

Pinkie shrugged her shoulders. “Ehh, I learned it from being around you and Rainbow a bunch, so I learned from the best who deserve a good Pie Pie or Stick Stick in thanks. Or both! Both is always good."

Except when they have surprises you don’t expect. I play with all genders equally, but I need a sign post so I can prepare which one of my party bags to bring. I can’t be left unprepared. The moaning must be doubled!

With a casual thrum of Twilight's horn a strawberry mist colored hoof bonked Pinkie on the head, resulting in a high pitched squeak escaping from Pinkie's muzzle at the magical impact.

Twilight giggled in delight at her friend’s reaction. “Pinkie, you are priceless, but thanks for the information I don’t need to know about at the moment.”

“Welcome, Twi’ Twi’!” Pinkie squeed. “But you’re the reigning champ on things that nopony ever needs to know. Even I am shocked that you know things that... just confuse me why you'd need to know them. Confuse, me.

“You never know when detailed histories of oil can companies could be useful!” Twilight protested. “How do you think we won the trivia contests on New Year’s Eve and got all of that free alcohol and food?”

She leaned back in her chair to scoff at her mental ego, a confident smile spreading across her snout. “Firm study on these subjects paid off. Both during and after the drinking.”

Pinkie half choked on her drink of chocolate alcohol, falling back in her chair with a cough. “So that’s what you think cuddling me and Dashie was. I knew you enjoyed that!”

Twilight's cheeks quickly matched the strip of rose in her mane. “You two were the ones half fondling each other with me trapped in the middle! We were all drunk and I thought we just wanted to stay warm; but you two decided to play hoofsies with me trying to sleep.”

With the final chug of her Dirty Stalliongradi Pinkie Pie fell over onto her back squealing in laughter, kicking her hind legs in the air. “And you’re the one who flared your horny and made Dashie and I go neigh. You just don’t even remember it!”

“I did not magically stimulate-"

Twilight cursed under her breath, watching Pinkie degrade into a rumbling fit of hysterics.

"Okay," she said softly, "I did, but I wasn’t fully aware of it!” Her face was burning hot at the admission, only making Pinkie's rollings around on the floor in gusts of fond memories even more frantic and wild.

“That’s what knocked us both out," Pinkie said. "Sheesh, Twilight. We might have made your curtains curl, but you made our stations explode.”

Twilight quickly gulped her drink as if she were about to give a presentation to Starswirl himself, letting out a loud exhale of air from the end of her muzzle. She was thankful she didn't take the passion of ethanol as a personal poison, but it was a tonic that she needed badly to cleanse her mind for the present. If only to blur the images of two of her friends groping each other. The times she drank to forget didn't count.

“You must be new here, Pinkie. I never knew that being teased would make me aroused. Please, tell me more.”

Pinkie curled her forehooves toward her chest in the cute manner that only Equestrian ponies could, looking up at Twilight playfully. She gave her a teasing wink.

“Will do, Twilight. And quoting memes is my job. Silly filly, get out!" Twilight stuck out her tongue in defiance, only inciting Pinkie Pie to continue her teasing. "And while you didn't squirt that night - which is why you are 'technically' still a virgin - you were totally leaking the next morning. And-”

Twilight could not handle Pinkie opening up about the very fun night of being trapped between Rainbow and Pinkie deciding to be playful drunks. That was supposed to be a secret, and it had to be kept safe.

Her original plan was to lift Pinkie up into the air, pinch her whole body, listen to some weird sound of delight escape from Pinkie's mouth, and tell Pinkie some sort of snide joke that would calm her down.

It didn't go as planned.

Twilight misjudged the power of her spell. Instead, she yanked onto Pinkie far too hard. The result was Pinkie Pie being spun through the air, hovering off of the ground and colliding snout to snout with Twilight, both of their mouths open the moment they made contact.

In another time and place it would have looked flat out silly. But in the current they closed their mouths together, and they didn't seem fond of breaking apart.

Alcohol and chocolate huffed into their nostrils as their eyes turned into soft, barely open lines, their lips pressed together for the longest seconds of either of their lives. It was Twilight who engaged the kiss, tilting her snout gently to the side to let the corners of her muzzle rub into Pinkie’s. Pinkie didn't seem inclined to resist. She simply let her nose rub up and down Twilight's own, followed by her tongue reaching out to lick over Twilight’s teeth.

It was that lick across her muzzle that broke Twilight's concentration, causing her to drop Pinkie onto the ground. Twilight stumbled backwards, mumbling vulgarities in Neightin, unable to make eye contact with Pinkie.

“Pinkie Pie, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her amethysts orbs gentle, submissive, and to Pinkie Pie, broken.

Twilight, Pinkie thought, you have nothing to be sorry about, sweetie. It’s... me. I... did I ruin your first kiss? Oh damnditty damn damn. Twilight...

“Twilight...” Pinkie’s voice had lost all of its bounce, all of its passion. She galloped toward Twilight to hold up her chin, her teary cerulean orbs reflecting off of the mystical purple of Twilight's own.

“I didn't-I shouldn't have-oh gosh, this is horrible. To ruin your first kiss? I-”

“Pinkie Pie, it was me who kissed you without permission," Twilight said. "I'm so-"

"And I wanted more," Pinkie said. "You didn't do anything wrong, Twilight. We're just tipsy. So if you think I wasn't okay with it, you're wrong. I'm the one-"

Twilight pressed her lips into Pinkie's once more, tilting her snout to the side to peck her lips. Her snout rubbed affectionately over Pinkie's muzzle as the kiss was started once again, the gentle nips and licks over each other's lips echoing in the air.

Their ears folded by the sides of their muzzles, their minds going to a different place as they damned their thoughts and teasingly licked over each other's tongue tips for what seemed like both an eternity and the blink of an eye all at once.

Twilight broke the kiss, her soft eyes looking into Pinkie's own as she traced a forehoof gently over Pinkie's chest fluff.

"W-w-wow," she huffed. "Wow. I think I needed that more than I realized."

Pinkie exhaled softly. "Yeah... how about we forget about who did what and both agree it was needed. You okay with that, Twi'?"

Twilight snorted in amusement, smiling gently at Pinkie. "Today’s been... well... bucked up if I have to use that word."

Pinkie waved a forehoof dismissively through Twilight's mane. "I'll just mention I hang around Rainbow a lot and if she stops saying buck at least three times a day I'll assume she's being controlled by some alien."

"I just think we should both relax," Twilight chuckled, "and realize that... well... tonight's going to be very different than what they normally are. And-”

“Rarity.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the mention of her. “What about her? She’s kind of been acting very weird today, and-”

Pinkie's forehooves lifted up to gently caress Twilight's cheeks. “You and her need to hook up.”

Saliva gagged in Twilight’s throat at the thought. She trotted backwards until she fell over onto her rump in shock.

Pinkie Pie quickly closed the distance, wrapping both of her forehooves protectively around Twilight's frame. “Listen to me, Twilight, and listen to Pinkie Pie well. I might be your pal, and maybe we could work in that way - in some... weird... way... but Rarity is totally the mare for you.”

“R-r-rarity?” Twilight mumbled the name of her friend on her tongue and lips several times over, letting it wisp over her ears and mind again and again. “You... think I should date Rarity? But Pinkie, I’m not sure who or what I’m doing tonight, and-”

Pinkie shook Twilight gently, pressing her forehead into Twilight's own.

She smiled.

She smiled like an older sister giving advice to a younger one.

You, and her, are meant for each other, Twilight! Both of you are smart. Really smart. You both have so many in-jokes like Dash and I do. You guys enjoy each other so much! You both could keep each other calm when bad things happen. You'd never get bored of what you two have to say, and you two just would be so cute together! You wanna know what Aunt Pinkie thinks? Rarity's doing all of this planning tonight so you can get that 'experience'. And it's her."

Internal me, I'm so proud of you... And the Oscar for-

Please stop! I'm tearing up already.

Oh sister, I'm already there!

Twilight was silent.

Confusion had merged in with her face with reflective contemplation, the biological computers inside of her head whirling together tens of thousands of scenarios, outcomes, strategies, and conflicts.

"Pinkie. You are so right."

"I knew it!" Pinkie chirped, nuzzling into Twilight's neck. She bounced back to life as quickly as her motherly side had taken over. "Your fur is interesting. It's very... horsey!"

Twilight ignored Pinkie's last comment. It was for the best. "She's hyper protective of me, loves talking to me about everything, nearly always enjoys my company, respects me, and she's... planning all of this out for me to have such a wonderful time. She wants me to realize that I want to be with her, because she has everything that I want-Pinkie Pie, that's it, you're incredible!"

Her horn flared to life, squeezing Pinkie in addition to the hug that she encapsulated Pinkie with with her forehooves. "Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that?" She nuzzled into Pinkie's shoulder deeply in delight. "She's trying to keep me guessing because she knows she can't out think me. I-"

Twilight's massaging of Pinkie's body continued until Pinkie Pie squeed deeply. From the wrong hole.

It was moderately hard to make Pinkie Pie blush, although the rumbling sound coming from her rump could be put high on that list. While an aptly timed fart joke - or perhaps well placed real one by two of her more physically active friends - could be hilarious, she never tried to pass gas around anypony.

All she could do to avert the attention from the sound was to grin shyly at Twilight, letting out the practiced and proper squee from the end of her pink snout. "A-a-a-ask before you give me a full body massage?" she chuckled shyly. "At least it doesn't smell-"

"Pinkie Pie, that's disgusting!" Twilight shrieked, crawling away from her as she shoved Pinkie away from her body.

Twilight pulled herself up onto her four hooves in a defensive, almost combat like stance, her tail lashing behind herself. "Are you Rainbow Dash or Applejack now!?"

"Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Twilight." Pinkie flipped herself back onto her hooves, returning the evil glare that Twilight gave her. "I didn't decide to squeeze your stomach a bunch and see what happens. Alcohol gives me gas sometimes, but normally I can hold it in. Unless somepony crushes me from the outside in!"

"That doesn't give you any excuse to pass gas near me, Pinkie!" Twilight shot back, pressing her snout assertively into Pinkie's own. "How could we work as a couple if you would pass gas when I hug you? Or sleep?"

"How could we work if you pee the bed, Twi' Twi'? I might like natural lemonade sometimes, but that's a kind only good twice a year." Pinkie's tail twitched rapidly behind herself as Twilight and Pinkie pushed their snouts back and forth, growling loudly.

"That is even more disgusting. Why did you have to share that?"

"It's sterile! It doesn't hurt you!"

Twilight stomped a forehoof onto the floor, gritting her teeth in frustration. She could feel her own behind tighten up, and it was more keen on plot kicking than gas passing. Hopefully.

"Don't you pull a me, Pinkie. And pee the bed? Did Spike tell you that!? Oh I am going to kill him for that!" Twilight neighed.

"Like, mare please," Pinkie nickered, "I can smell it myself. I've got the best nose ever, and you still do it a little bit. It just blends into your fur-"

Twilight knew of one way to shut Pinkie Pie up, and that was to kiss her. She might have to put this under her belt of abilities for future problems if Pinkie was about to cause massive political damage to Equestria.

Or if Twilight was just a bit tipsy, and it sounded like a good idea to get rid of stress. It worked the last time.

Twilight went at her friend full force, her tongue inserting itself drunkenly inside of Pinkie's muzzle, flailing and slapping over her teeth as their lips and snouts pressed together. She had no idea what she was doing, but Pinkie took charge soon enough, instead of shoving Twilight away from her or doing anything rational from their prior argument. Pinkie's thick equine tongue began to coil and suckle onto Twilight's own with such a sinful delight Twilight cried out a sultry moan of bliss.

"That's disgustin'."

"I think it's kinda hot if you ask me."

"They are so cute together!"

Twilight's and Pinkie's eyes slowly opened to look at the Cutie Mark Crusaders watching their making out session, breaking apart their lips to show the thick string of saliva that connected their muzzles together. Time slowed down for the both of them, looking between each other and the fillies beside them.

This is what happened when you didn't lock the front door.

Pinkie and Twilight both shrieked in unison.

Pinkie burst higher into the air than anypony ever should, which involved her nailing her head on the ceiling from the velocity of her jump. She fell back onto the ground with a painful whimper, her tongue hanging out of the side of her muzzle.

Twilight did perhaps the worst sin in her entire life. There was no redemption for her committed crime. Celestia would disown her if the word of it ever got out.

Twilight Sparkle, cursed in front of children.

"Oh Shit! What the bucking hay are you three doing here!?"

"About to blackmail you!" Scootaloo fluttered happily, her wings pulsating by the sides of her body.

"Scootaloo, that's horrible!" Apple Bloom protested, shooting Scootaloo a disgusted glance.

"Not for free candy, milk, and books," Scootaloo countered.

"Scootaloo, that's awesome!" Sweetie Belle chirped, bouncing in place. "Cutie Mark Crusader Blackmailers! We want one gallon of strawberry milk."

Before Sweetie Belle could even finish their demands a chilled tub of milky goodness was placed in front of them by Pinkie.

"Done!" Pinkie panted. "Anything else? Anything you want!"

"Two gallons of chocolate milk!" Scootaloo whinnied excitedly, giggling with Sweetie Belle as they cantered in place.

Apple Bloom bit her bottom lip, contemplating the morality of the situation.

Her darker side won. "A large bag of candy corn. Oh shoot, AJ's gonna kill me..."

Sweetie Belle bounced higher into the air with every passing second. "A box of assorted fudges! Oh those are so good."

"A jumbo bag of those sour cream and onion chips Twilight eats all the time," Scootaloo sneered. All Twilight could do was stare fiery death at Scootaloo, since she couldn't get away with murder.

If the secret of her and Pinkie kissing got out in public...

Her reputation would be ruined! The public would think of us as nuts! Oh my gosh, I should of thought of that. Image! Rarity is all about image!

Pinkie Pie's mind galloped a trillion miles an hour, going from Hyrule to the Citadel, screaming at her own stupidity for not locking the door or closing the windows or doing anything right in the last twenty minutes.

You're a dipshit, Pinkie Pie! You deserve that word right now!

Thanks for telling me that now, fudge sucker.

"Some peanut butter cups." Sweetie Belle giggled, shaking her rump behind herself. "Oh we get to eat so much candy tonight. It's like the best Nightmare Night and Hearths Warming day ever!"

"And a big sheet of caramel for us to suck on." Apple Bloom murred. "Yum!"

Scootaloo scoffed at the ground, looking up at Twilight and Pinkie. "I... think that's it? See? Nothing to break the bank. We're-"

"Do you have everything you want?" Pinkie Pie neighed, forcing the Cutie Mark Crusaders to back up against the store door.

A massive plume of air was propelled from the end of Pinkie's nose, her face clenched tightly in rage.

"You three think this is funny? To use Twilight and me like this? I... I can't even think of anything to say to you, and..."

All that was registered on her face, was disgust.

"Get out. You aren't welcome here anymore. Go to Bon Bon if you want candy."

Twilight looked between Pinkie and the Cutie Mark Crusaders, her eyes watering. "I... I can't believe you three would do this to us." Her hooves quivered, ears wiltering on the sides of her muzzle. "Didn't you learn anything from Gabby Gums? If you... I... I just-"

Apple Bloom stepped forward, letting out a quiet sigh as she bit her bottom lip. She pondered on her words, but soon enough, she couldn't help but smile.

"How about... we consider this... well... 'payment' for what we're about ta tell you, since it's a lot bigger than what we saw here."

Pinkie Pie's expression turned homicidal. "You fuc-"

"AJ and Dasha were cuddlin' in the barn!" Apple Bloom blurted. "And then they started really cuddlin', and then they started kissin', and then got 'laid' is what you ponies call what adult ponies do."

"Honest!" Scootaloo said, her wings flickering beside her frame. "She's not joking, and we aren't either!"

"We're sorry!" Sweetie Belle cried, tears budding in her eyes. "We're just jealous that you all get to go out, and get laid, and dance, and we wanted to do something super special tonight ourselves, so don't kill us!"

The shock that filled Pinkie's and Twilight's faces was not of contempt. It was from the hand grenade of information that shattered their entire concept as to what tonight and all of their futures were going to be.

Most of the anger that trickled from their puffed out coats melted. They glanced at each other, silently adjusting the reality that they now knew.

"Holy, crap," Pinkie whispered. "I knew they had a thing going for each other."

Twilight could barely speak, her purple eyes looking at the Cutie Mark Crusaders as if they were Rainbow and Applejack themselves.

"Then the rumors were true," she muttered. "This changes everything."

Pinkie couldn't help but smile sweetly at the thought of her two friends being in love. "Oh my gosh, Dashie could teach Jackie so much, and-"

Twilight shoved a forehoof inside of Pinkie's muzzle, watching her glance at Twilight.

"What were you three doing spying on them?" Twilight hissed, stomping a forehoof onto the floor. "That's-"

"It's my barn too," Apple Bloom rumbled, "and they were on the freakin' piano door! Kinda hard not to see it. We wanted some cider from the cellar, and my sister and Dasha were getting laid. Right in plain site. Ya can't blame me!"

"N-n-no," Twilight said, "I guess we can't; but this is something you three shouldn't have seen for another few years." She shook her head with a deep, groaning sigh. "We'll talk about this next week. I just can't-"

Scootaloo stepped forward, flicking her tail behind herself. "But here's the real kicker, and it blows that one out of the water, and this is why you owe us big time. Yeah, we spied on them after that, but can you blame us? So... like... they did it, but said that they wouldn't work as a couple, but might wanna try it out later if their plan doesn't go well. They convinced each other to try this first."

"Rainbow wants you to hook up with Applejack, Twilight," Sweetie said. "And Applejack wants Rainbow to hook up with Rarity. And you say we're blackmailing you two? Your own friends are planning on making you date each other!"

Pinkie's jaw hit the floor. Literally. It slammed into the ground with a metallic ring.

What anger Twilight and Pinkie had melted away much like the former sound of Pinkie's flatulence.

"And Rarity wants you to hook up with Rainbow, Twilight," Pinkie gasped. "And I want you to hook up with Rarity! The messed upness of this situation is too damn high. I mean, I don't often say this, but damn! It's like we're all planning the sex life of Twilight Sparkle, like you're some princ-"

"My plot is not a fucking commodity!" Twilight shouted, raspberry lightning flying out of her horn with a thunderous clap of energy that chipped the ceiling of the room.

She stared down at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, her eyes a solid, burning white of heaven's wrath.

She was slightly agitated.

"Listen, well, girls." Twilight's neck twitched rapidly. "You promise not to say a single thing about any of this to any pony ever? Good. You don't need to Pinkie Pie Promise, because that's not going to be strong enough-"

"Twi', I think you need another Dirty Stalliongradi." Pinkie slowly massaged Twilight's horn, watching the pearl rage in Twilight's eyes flutter and flicker back to her natural eye color. It was mixed in with a tender, quiet panting from Twilight's mouth, her tail snapping in the air behind herself at the stimulation to her spinal system.

The Crusaders groaned in disgust at both the image of a manure covered stallion and Twilight's faint drooling, only to be stared down by Pinkie's firm gaze.

"Now what she said is totally true!" Pinkie's voice had become more akin to what a mother would use to scold a child. "You think breaking my promises are bad? Let's just say her magic can go places you don't want magic to go."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders swallowed down balls of their own saliva in unison.

Pinkie smiled gently. "And for the record: We sorta-mostly-kinda-maybe-we'll-run-with-it forgive you since you completely changed our lives, and weren't really doing anything wrong other than the blackmailing part. You just learned way too much, but you came to us to tell us about it since you knew we like knowing that kind of stuff, but still blackmailed us, and not nice things."

She continued her massage on Twilight's horn, tenderly digging the edges of her forehooves into the grooves along the twirled length. "And also: The language we used? If we ever catch you girls saying those things we are totally going to spank you all in public in front of the Mayor's office with your classmates laughing at you the whole time."

Jeez, me, that's really freaking dark. Her kind side whimpered in her head.

Shh! The information they gave us is totally going to be used to get Twilight laid. Oh she's gonna blow her magic so hard it'll burn a hole in the roof!

Like... she already did?

Curses! Foiled again!

"S-s-so how about we both say we never saw each other, and u-u-umm-can we take what we bargained for?" Apple Bloom sniffled, scoffing at the ground. "Fair deal?"

Pinkie stroked her chin with her tail, looking up at the minor damage to the ceiling.

It's just a scratch.

"Hmm... you owe me a small favor though in the future, but sure!"

"E-e-eww... what's that smell?" Apple Bloom winced, sniffing the air. "It's... d-d-did somepony-"

Pinkie Pie winced in return.

She knew that smell. She knew that smell very well.

"Fire!" Pinkie screamed at the Crusaders, watching them gallop out the door with their plunder of candy on their backs. "I got it covered though!" she hollered, slamming the door behind herself. Considering that boarding up the door wasn't going to make the Cake's happy with the damage to their walls, she would have to make due with just locking the front door.

As soon as the danger of her secret being let out and the stress of the moment melted away like warmed up chocolate she slid herself against the door, letting a belly deep sigh pour from her lungs.

Everything's okay now, she cooed to herself. Just smile, smile, sm-

She opened her eyes and other senses slowly, registering a large, furred, warm object straddling her groin. A quietly purring, purple eyed, pony eating object rested on top of her. It wasn't one she wanted.

"Hey, Pinkie," Twilight nickered seductively down at her, stroking through Pinkie's puffy mane.

"Oh frosted, fudge fondling flamingos, unicorn horns are no touch zones." Pinkie chuckled nervously, listening to the rumbles of pleasure escaping from Twilight's stomach. "I forgot, and I got talented forehooves."

Twilight dug into Pinkie's poodle furred coat. Her ears didn't register anything that Pinkie had said.

"Hey, Twilight, remember when we said we were gonna pop your cherry tonight? Or that how I'm going to convince you that I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore, and so that we'll just take it somepony is taking you tonight? Why am I talking about this with you on top of me?"

Twilight tugged onto Pinkie's mane firmly, her violet eyes a glowing glass of arousal and seductive need.

"Mmm, I pushed that up to now," she growled, straddling Pinkie's stomach more roughly. "And I'm sure 'plot pusher' Pinkie can do wonders to me. Speaking of that: I've never tried anal, and Rainbow just denies she's done it with you. What's it like, Pinkie? I'm sure you have a toy for that."

Twilight leaned forward to slowly drag her tongue over Pinkie's ear, her saliva dripping down the length. "I've got enough spells to blow, your, mind-guuurgh!"

With one firm pinch to Twilight's neck, Twilight was out cold, her body limply collapsing on top of Pinkie.

"Ahh," Pinkie sighed. "Pressure points! I know those too, Twilight. And jeez are you wet-stop leaking on me!"

She pushed Twilight over onto her back with a tired groan, looking at her limp, drooling, passed out friend. It was impossible for Pinkie not to giggle at the adorable - and she had to admit, scary - sides of Twilight Sparkle. It wasn't as if she was completely stable either.

"Well... bucky boo has today been interesting. And we aren't even that drunk yet. Oh the next eight hours are gonna be fun! I... think."

As long as you, mister narrator, make it fun. I'm warning you-"

The voice carrying the plot of the story would counter Pinkie's threats in that the Numa Numa song could always be played.

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to comment, but remained silence on the manner, other than giving the narrator a deep, hard, deathly stare with her blue eyes.

It was for the best that she said nothing more.

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