• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,188 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey

What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

  • ...

Chapter Sixteen: The Ethanol Equine Effect

Alcohol and food seemed to consistently be the solution to the Elements of Harmonys' problems. It was a frightful precedent for them to be setting, but it would most likely not be the panacea for their future woes.


For the moment, and the second time that day, it had tamed them.


It was very unlikely.

The VIP section of the club was at the top of the cavern, its windows carved into the walls to show the Undercity behind them, the main floor of the club underneath them, and the night sky in front of them. Relaxing on couches, pillows, chairs, and sofas, ponies enjoyed all sorts of debauchery to their hearts content. The Elements of Harmony themselves included.

They felt reborn by the alcohol, food, and rest. They could not deny the merging highs of fatigue, THC, ethanol, and food swirling together were beginning to take there toll, for better or worse. If they were all surveyed about it, it would be for the better.

Hopefully. But Hope wasn't really active around them recently. They had asked a bit too much from it, and it was getting jaded and tired of their requests.

"So I think the lesson for today is that we should never mix sexual ethics, alcohol, and cannabis together." Twilight had voraciously consumed four plates of sweet potatoes and was on her second glass of water and second mug of pale ale. "In fact, maybe we should... keep it to one of those at a time. I have a feeling that the vibrating in my head is going to be atomic tomorrow, and I hope that's going to not be a repeat lesson."

She looked around at her friends, all of them full at having sedated their ravenous marijuana munches. They had collectively forgotten the wonderful concept known as food during the last several hours. Food was good. Resting on pillows with their best friends with food and alcohol was even better. Biology was a wonderful thing.

Pinkie Pie peeked over at Twilight, a forehoof resting idly in Applejack's mane. Applejack and Pinkie laid together in sedation, Applejack using Pinkie's stomach as a curly pillow. "Twilight, you know that clop and beer go together like cheese and chocolate. You don't think they'll mix, but they do!"

"Fine," Twilight said dejectedly, blowing out a jet of air from her muzzle. "Let's just not get high at the same time? I think Applejack can back me up on this one."

Applejack eyed her 'date' and the empty plates around her. Applejack - like Rainbow - worked hard in her trade and could consume titanic amounts of food if she wished and sometimes needed to. The slice of cheesecake, pecan pie, cup of Prench onion soup, the plate of house fries, a whole veggie pizza, three spinach salads, a shot of bourbon, half a gallon of milk, and two bowls of tomato soup - in no proper order of consumption - was a testament to that. "I think I will never smoke again," she tiredly hiccuped, green and red dueling it out in her eyes.

She stared down at the warm cup of coffee in front of her, instinct taking over her stomachs ability to handle more input. She grabbed hold of the mug, consuming the whole cup without taking a single break or pause, putting it down with a deep, content sigh. It was followed by a belch of a proportion that made Pinkie jealous.

“Oh Grant’s gonads did I need to let that out of me. Now I feel like I'm kinda alive. I missed you, brain.”

If it wasn’t for the hot squid in front of Rainbow - in addition to the still being eaten alfredo, grain bread, and olive oil - she would have fallen out of her plush couch. Instead, she squealed in laughter, clopping her forehooves together as incoherent sounds of praise escaped from her mouth. Pinkie aptly joined in the applause.

“I’m glad to see we have returned to the relative levels of stupidity of... well... most of the day.” Rarity chuckled, sipping on her Haysinki vodka. "I have to say that I think adding the wonderful invention known as food to the equation was a brilliant idea. Again." She scratched at her chest, currently indifferent to how her more composed self would have fainted at the action. "Now... is it just me, or do we... seem to forget to eat when we get stoned? I thought that was an expected outcome."

"I thought we've talked about before how things never turn out as planned around us," Twilight said, letting out a soft groan. "Like... me forgetting to calorie count all of this."

Rainbow massaged her temples to the point Twilight scowled at her. Twilight was not a fan of having her own famous gestures being taken from her. "For bucks sake, Twi', I'm gonna kill you if you keep up bringing up your weight. As the mare here with sixteen percent body fat, I don't calorie count unless I'm competing."

"I guess you just, 'wing it', Rainbow?" Applejack chuckled in amusement.

Her friends turned their eyes toward Applejack. They said nothing.

"I also must admit," Rarity continued, letting out a quiet hum to break the silence, "it felt grand for me to eat those two coffee ice cream sundaes. Oh I feel so... naughty!” She wiggled her pearl rump into her collection of pillows, tittering to herself.

Pinkie sat up, gently petting Applejack idly on the head like the good orange pet she was. Applejack simply mumbled tiredly and accepted her fate at being a pet. Again. "Besides, Twilight, one does not simply expect us to do the expected. We’re like... guerrilla fighters!”

Fluttershy's, Rarity's, Applejack's, and Rainbow's eyes projected rage into Pinkie's own with their sharp glances toward her, causing her to twitch at her slip of the tongue. “I-I-I mean like... uhh... stunt fliers, like Dashie! You never know what killer move she’ll do next!”

Twilight blinked at Pinkie's stuttering, idly massaging the hop particles inside of her drink with her magic. She clicked her tongue to fill the silence. “So... why are you all staring at Pinkie like she kicked a foal?"

"Because I want you to picture Pinkie with a real cannon," Rainbow said. "She sometimes gets these secret agent fantasies of being like a spy who kills dudes and like... blows up things worse than the Cutie Mark Crusaders do. We need to make sure she doesn't get a real cannon."

"Or worse," Applejack said.

"That would be bad." Twilight winced. "That would be very bad."

"So it's why they need to stop me at times," Pinkie chuckled meekly. "You have enough problems, Twilight. Don't worry, they have it taken care of."

"So what do we do now?" Twilight said.

Fluttershy took a deep drought of her raspberry flavored mead. “Well... we can’t dance yet, unless we want to be sick to our stomachs. We could always pick up on where we left off in Truth or Dare?”

“Bad idea,” Rainbow said, rolling onto her back with a soft groan. “I think if we’re doing anything related to that, it should just be... well... the truth. I think we've all been kinda gaping anuses to each other today. Time to be... well... nice, yeah?”

Twilight leaned forward. “Did... Rainbow Dash just say we should be... nice? I thought she only said that when we’re about to have an emotional breakdown or almost die.”

"It's the weed, Twilight," Applejack said. "Just let her be nice."

“Hey, I get mood swings sometimes, and I have a soft side too.” Rainbow rested her forehooves on her thighs, sticking out her tongue. “Come on, you know I welcome foals and new ponies to Ponyville just fine; it’s just a shield for my self-esteem. She’s fragile. Can't I be nice around you all for like, five minutes?”

“I never would've guessed your ego could be fragile,” Rarity smirked. “Rainbow has a point though. I’ve come clean about what I intended for this night to be. And... well... the plan has fallen apart like anything hit by a certain pegasus-and would you stop fluttering your eyelashes suggestively at me, Rainbow? It’s bloody annoying!

“Ohh you know you like it,” Rainbow purred softly, rubbing her lean toned core. “Just-”

“Stop it!” Rarity pouted, eyeing the gentle smiles spreading across her friends' muzzles. “This isn't funny! Do you think that is going to help me like you more? And none of you should be smiling over this. I haven't even done anything and she is just... just... I don't even know what!”

“I think it is,” Rainbow winked. “And they do too. You should look at yourself when you stick out your lips and blush. It’s really freakin’ cute.”

“I think there should be a rule that we all are cute when we want to be,” Fluttershy hummed, leaning into Twilight idly.

“Guidance counselor Fluttershy to the rescue,” Pinkie nodded, slamming down a strawberry gin cocktail with frightful speed. The multi-verse had blessed Pinkie Pie with many gifts that few mortals ever received. The ability to consume more alcohol than her biological body could take was not one of them. She had to follow some rules of reality.

“Whew!” She shook her snout rapidly, letting out a torrent of nickers and snorts as her friends watched in both slight fear and chuckling interest. “Jeez peas cock tease I needed that-oww, my throat!" Pinkie coughed, her voice wispy as her forehooves began to massage her neck. "It’s sweet and hot. Lesson learned. Not doing that again.”

Applejack smiled darkly up at Pinkie Pie. “Ya mean just like yerself, gumdrop?”

The comment only made the choking of Pinkie's vocal chords worse, causing her to sputter out a torrent of gibberish as her cheeks quickly became a solid, thick red. The other five Elements broke out into a flood of laughter at watching Pinkie's already bright cheeks grow brighter.

"Your date is hitting on Pinkie, Twilight," Rainbow said. "I'm sorry, Applejack, but the thought of you and Pinkie dating is as bad as the thought of either of you dating Rarity."

"She trotted right into it," Applejack said. "And I had to make up for before."

"I must admit that not only do Applejack and I share little in common other than running our own businesses," Rarity said, "but in that she has been unreliable tonight by teasing Rainbow, Twilight, and Pinkie. Applejack, do you not have any honor when it comes to sexuality anymore? Have you become Rainbow Dash?"

Applejack sat up, staring at Rarity. "Now that's pushin' it a bit too far, Rarity."

Rainbow leaned toward Applejack. "Rarity totally pushed her tongue inside of Fluttershy's mouth earlier today, so the joke's on her."

"Oh that is blasted manure, Dash," Rarity spat. "She was the one who kissed me first. Do not bend the facts to suit your purposes. That's my job."

"You were very receptive to it, Rarity," Fluttershy giggled. "It was-"

Rarity screeched in frustration. "I am going to orgasm tonight if it's the last thing I ever do, and even if it's with Twilight under the blankets!"

She covered her pink muzzle as her brain registered what her mouth had said, her friends falling onto their sides in bliss.

This is why we are all friends,” Twilight cracked, covering her mouth to repress both a minor hiccup and a waterfall of giggles. She didn’t quite succeed at the last task, rolling against Fluttershy for support. “We get tipsy-"

“-smashed,” Rainbow added.

“-and fight, tease each other, and make us all look mean, horrible, lustful, and... umm... insane?” Fluttershy scooped up her stein with a wing to finish her mead in one long chug, putting down the empty mug. “I can live with that kind of friendship. That’s real friendship! I like getting drunk with you all; it better than doing it alone."

“Fluttershy, that’s only a third of it.” Twilight sat up on her rump, her forehooves pressing resolutely into the floor. “It's because we know that despite being so different and coming from so many walks of life, we love and respect each other, even when we sound like we don’t. That's what the last few years have taught me, and what friendship with you all has taught me.”

Rainbow laid on her side, raising an eyebrow at Twilight. “Sometimes I think-”

“Shut the hay up, Dash," Twilight snapped. Her friends winced collectively.

Twilight coughed, composing herself. "I’m telling an aesop because we all need it, despite the chances of us remembering it hungover and light headed from cannabis being nearly zero." Her purple eyes glowed brightly as she looked over her peers. "So you’ll listen, damn it. All of you.” She grinned contently. "Besides, it makes me feel good, I'm the leader, and you all owe me.”

“Yes, ma’am,” her friends said in defeat, their ears folding in unison.

Twilight stood up, trotting slowly around her friends. “We’ve all grown together as friends. Sisters, even. Despite all the trials and tribulations we’ve been through, in the end we are there for each other. Even when we try to control each others sex lives. Or... lives in general. So I think the lesson we learned together today is that drinking is a part of life I thank you all for getting me into, but the other activities that come with it are something we should mutually plan and do together."

"And while I’m pretty sure bucking will wait for when I’m more coherent once the alcohol settles, what I’ve seen from us being... us, is that... well... maybe friendship with benefits is possible. If we do it responsibly. We all love each other. Most of the time. What’s a step further going to do at this point? It's not like we aren't insane enough as it is. Maybe we should try it and see what happens. What could possibly be worse than what has happened already?”

She sat back down on her pillow, resting her tail over Fluttershy's side. "Well, other than us hating each other, secretly planning on killing each other, or other extreme scenarios I'm too drunk or full to care about right now."

Well,” Pinkie began, stroking her chin, “it’s made Applejack and Rarity swear to mud wrestle in the future, and we all know how those go."

"Awesomely," Dash grinned.

"Awesomely indeed," Pinkie grinned back. "Its made us secretly plan the clopping for tonight; and it also made us get drunk, half want to kill each other, force Rarity to spend her life savings, and most likely made us all wonder where our innocence went. I have no idea! It was there a few months ago. Or maybe that was three years ago. I don’t know!”

“Thank you for reminding me about my bills, Pinkie.” Rarity stared tiredly at her two shots of vodka. Her past drinks just weren't important. Did she even remember what they were? She didn't even feel that tipsy.

"And don't forget that the only reason it'll last a couple minutes is because I'm just toyin' with her the whole time," Applejack said.

Rarity scoffed at her pillows, swallowing down a mixed aftertaste of coffee flavored ice cream and alcohol. It was quite lovely, really. “I shall ignore Applejack once more tonight, but with how I think how much of my bank account I’ve already lost to a night gone to Tartarus I deserve a break once with the mud wrestling, no? And the insanity of you all today of course. And don’t forget the possibility I might have to find a complete stranger to use for a night, as I would never touch Twilight without her permission. I'm not a fan of one night stands baring any blond stallions with a beautiful accent or a celebrity if they so pass me by.”

“You Pinkie Promised about the wrestling.” Pinkie's sky blue eyes gazed firmly into the crystal orbs of Rarity's. Her tone was calm as stale water.

“I did not!” Rarity shot back, her tail smacking onto the cushion she rested on. "What preposterous notion made you think that, Pinkie?"

“You mentally did,” Pinkie whispered. She leaned forward. “That, still, counts.”

“No it-”

Demonic resonance filled Pinkie's voice, the napalm in her eyes quickly replacing her natural color. "I am the judge of the Pinkie Promise, and avatar of Loki’s will. And if I say it counts, it, counts!”

As quickly as the anger blew over Pinkie's soul, it melted away, leaving a tipsy, giggling, Applejack petting Pinkie Pie in its wake.

The other Elements simply accepted what had happened once Pinkie's voice calmed. It was for the best, and they did their best to act as if it had not even happened at all.

“I... I’m a hundred and twenty percent sure that Loki’s a Pegasi’ god,” Rainbow said, chuckling shyly at Pinkie. “N-n-not that I’m gonna do anything to throw a lightning bolt at mud wrestling fun.”

“He is!” Pinkie squeaked, burping afterwards. “I was a Pegasus in my last life, and he wanted me to use this opportunity to counter Discord and Celestia. He didn’t get that chance last time, so it’s his time to shine! Or just be silly. He hasn't quite decided yet.” She shrugged. "We'll figure it out eventually."

Twilight had decided to abandon her moral message about the possibilities of friendship with benefits being a good idea. Seeing her friends in a drunken, faintly stoned state reminded her of how much of a ticking time bomb they all already were. Adding sex to the equation just wasn't the best idea that she had ever come up with. She knew of the best solution to rectify the situation.

A faint, shimmering disk of magic appeared in front of her muzzle as her horn hummed to life. Without delay, and to punish herself for even giving a speech on how friendshipping was a good idea, she began to tap her snout into her raspberry shield. Again, and again, and again.

“Okay," she sighed, thudding her snout onto the shield with a bit more force. The swirling highs in her head were fascinating to study. She didn't remember them for long. "Friendship with benefits is a horrible idea. Or maybe drinking is. Or everything is.”

"Don't do that, Twilight," Fluttershy whimpered, pulling Twilight away from her shield. "If you are that concerned about us, then just focus on me, and let them handle themselves. But... umm... if it makes you feel any better, I'm-"

“But I have a feelin’ we’re gonna say screw it and do it all anyway,” Applejack giggled, unashamed of the sound coming out of her muzzle. “We’re damn good at improvisin’ an bullshittin’, and as far as we've come now there ain't a chance in Hell we're goin' back. Hay, what we all do for a livin’ is half wingin’ it most of the time.”

Rainbow nodded in agreement, cracking her back with a content mumble. "Can't always tell a cloud where to go. Pinkie makes up stuff randomly, you sometimes improvise on what you'll grow, AJ, Fluttershy's animals are something different everyday, and Twilight can pretty much do what she wants but doesn't."

"Not to mention that Rarity's dress makin' is wingin' it by design," Applejack said, nodding her head respectively toward Rarity. "I don't know how ya do it. I wish I could wing it like that."

Rarity had decided at that sentence to slam down both shots of her vodka with a hidden practice that made the rest of her friends look at her with moderate concern.

Rainbow was the first to respond, sitting herself up. "Speaking of... that, where in the hay did you learn to be so good at holding your liquor, Rarity? I mean... I’ve seen you at parties and man, you punch way above your weight. I just hope you aren’t an alcoholic or something and aren't telling us."

"Sometimes it is best to keep those secrets hidden,” Rarity sighed, laying down on her side. “In case my talents are needed for... 'emergencies'. The present would be one of them."

"Like your... edible boots spell?" Twilight asked.

"Exactly,” Rarity said. “One must be prepared for the worst after all, and I am glad my intellectual equal would agree; however overboard she may go in being prepared, just like myself.”

Twilight snorted at Rarity. “Uh-huh, keep on telling yourself that you’re my intellectual equal.”

Fluttershy stroked down Twilight's back gently. “Twilight, this isn’t the time for your sarcasm. Because unlike Rainbow’s, it can really hurt ponies. However, sometimes, the truth can hurt, Rarity.”

Thank you, Fluttershy, for making me feel just stellar about myself,” Rarity gritted between her teeth. She looked around for another alcoholic beverage to drink. There was none.

“You’re welcome, you gorgeous ball of marshmellow awesomeness,” Fluttershy cooed. “Now, how about we all start sharing bedtime secrets? That's something we can do, now that we're drunk enough. I’ll start! I learned from Mr. Beaver that-”

“-and thank you, Applejack,” Rarity growled, “for saying that tailoring and designing fashion is just, ‘winging it’. I’m glad my fellow businessmare doesn’t understand the creativity of my field.”

“I never said that," Applejack said. "Well, in a kinda... creative... way... somethin’. I’m not smart right now! Ya know I didn’t mean to insult ya!”

“Or ever smart,” Rarity huffed. “And so in punishment, I will not give you self pleasure advice ever again.” Rarity exhaled loudly from the depths of her lungs. “And that is relatively mild, considering I have the urge to scream, black out, or talk about LGBT fashion in the most culturally cliche manner possible." She waved a forehoof around gaily, tittering to herself. "You know, most things ponies in my 'winging it' field do, and something Rainbow would know nothing about."

She smiled as she turned toward Rainbow. "Or would she?”

There were only a few triggers that made Rainbow want to give a flank kicking to a ponies' plot.

They could insult her fetishes, as embarrassing as they could be. They could insult her plothole, as she could be one herself, and it wasn't her fault - mostly - that was a bit squishy. They could insult her fetishism like obsession with the Wonderbolts; they could make her blush, take their anger out on her, and even call her out for being an idiot. They could even call her slutty with how sexually open she could be. In the end, she laughed it off over time, taking what she dished out in equal measure.

Telling the openly tomgirl, flirty, LGBT pride of Equestria she was a hidden lipstick lesbian was a line a pony did not cross. There was her accepting her moderately butch personality and being more than happy to receive insults on how much of a secret colt she was, and than there was saying she wanted to be on Project Manehatthan Runway and throw about stickers everywhere she went.

It was a faggotry that Rainbow Dash was not amused by.

"This ain't gonna end well," Applejack said.

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Rainbow neighed. She bolted up onto her hooves, her posture feral and feline, wings spread like bladed fans. "What did I do to you tonight? I’m trying to be kinda nice here, and you just... wow. Way to cross the line three times. I... wow. I can see why sex with you is a ‘Rarity’ to begin with.”

Twilight contemplated taking over the situation as she normally would have. Unfortunately, the side of her that normally contemplated taking over the situation had been banished to the recesses of her mind, thanks to the food and newly awoken, crotch driven side of her personality. A few threats that borderlined on war crimes didn't hurt in silencing her rational side earlier that day either.

Instead, she looked at her other friends, watching another debacle unfold. Fluttershy clearly had given up at trying to calm her friends down, realizing at last that not even her Stare could override two estrogen powered and alcohol fueled mares from tearing each other apart. She simply watched, and it almost seemed like she was getting a hidden enjoyment out of Rainbow and Rarity beginning some form of weird mating ritual. Pinkie was sadistically enjoying the fun openly by the interest in her eyes thanks to the THC flowing through her veins, while Applejack scratched at her thigh, the only mare mildly concerned at all.

"I beg your pardon?" Rarity whispered, pulling herself up onto her hooves slowly. She took a step forward, tilting her muzzle to the side curiously. “Did I hurt the technicolor tramp's feelings? Pinch a sensitive and emotional nerve? Interrupt your fantasies of being a model for me?"

Rainbow snorted off the insult, ejecting a hiss of air from her nose. “I didn't do anything to make you pissed tonight."

"You did make her think that she was drinking pee and joined me in calling her a zoo creature," Pinkie said. "I'm just saying!"

"Don't make it any worse than it already is," Applejack shoved Pinkie, causing her to squeak.

"I didn't know you were an angry drunk, Rares," Rainbow shrugged. "But hey, I guess you need vodka to wash the taste of noble cock out of your mouth though, huh? Jealous I could get twenty ponies on me right now if I wanted? Sucks you’re so dry between the legs and have to lick limp rich dude dick."

Rarity broke out into a violent laugh, her faintly curled mane bouncing as she shook her head dismissively. “I see our local cerulean cum dump is the ‘Prismatic Prostitute of Ponyville’ once again. Why am I not surprised her gloryhole antics are a recurring personality trait? Kudos to you for being such a lean sperm barrel for the community,” she purred.

"So... are you mad that I've been flirting with you because nopony else here will and I'm out of your league? Because I have a feeling that's it." Rainbow twitched. "Ohh... that's harsh, even for me. True, but kinda harsh."

Pinkie whistled loudly. "Hide your foals, hide your marefriend, and hide your coltfriend, cause-"

"Sod off, Pinkie," Rarity neighed, "I'm talking to the mare who is about to become my bitch."

"Nothing to do here!" Pinkie said, chewing on Applejack’s mane.

Applejack pushed Pinkie off of her, pulling herself up onto her hooves. "Now you two listen here, I-"

Rarity threw back her hair with a huff of steam ejecting from her nose, her face flushed with heat. The crackling warmth of alcohol and blood across her anger splayed snout twitched. "You've trotted with the wrong mare too far this time, Rainbow Lightning Dash, and the last thing you want is me tipsy, wanting to destroy your ego until nothing is left but a wallowing, broken corpse of a mare who learns what happens when you push me too bloody far."

"Enough, Rarity." Applejack pressed a forehoof into Rarity's side. "Maybe you've had a bit too much to drink. You just need to calm your hindquarters ‘n-"

"No butts," Rarity spat, "other than Rainbow's getting a reminder of what magic can pleasantly do to a rectum. I'm sure she'd enjoy every bit of the stimulation of my horn rammed up her arse. I'll even give it a twist, if she likes it extra painful.”

"You know, I really should try to stop this," Twilight said, turning her muzzle toward Fluttershy. "But I think I've just lost my ability to care about my friends possibly killing each other and ruining their friendships."

"It's okay, Twilight." Fluttershy nuzzled her cheek affectionately into Twilight's. "Celestia doesn't need to know about it, and remember what I said about angry sex? Just watch. It's why I'm not worried."

"And if... that doesn't happen?" Twilight giggled quietly at the nuzzle, returning it in kind. "And it is kind of fun to watch this, oddly enough. I guess three years of morals have just gone out the window tonight thanks to alcohol and sex. What a surprise!"

Pinkie laid herself casually over Twilight and Fluttershy. "Ehh, it happens every month or two around us. We get back to normal after you write a letter."

"Then Equestria is going to die a slow and very painful death from some evil monster," Fluttershy said. "Or since Rarity and Rainbow Dash trust me so much I can spike their tea, and then we can have our way with them."

Twilight smiled like she had never smiled before, wrapping a forehoof around Fluttershy. "I like the way you think, Fluttershy."

"Mare please," Pinkie whinnied, "I've got enough toys to make them ever regret even living!"

With a wild laugh escaping from her mouth, Rainbow stumbled to keep herself balanced. The exchange had begun to catch the attention of nearby ponies, and her haughty cackles drew even more attention to herself and Rarity.

My flank? Coming from the perfume wearing pucker sucker herself? If the wrinkly balls of old stallions with money who’ll buy your dresses and smell your pus’ are in your mouth you're the happiest mare in Equestria."

She turned around, hiking up her tail as high as she could to expose herself blatantly in front of Rarity, clenching her flank cheeks. "Come on, stare at the mare who gets some instead of having to sniff her own underwear to smell sex. Twilight doesn’t need to get laid, you do. Guess your ego can't handle that old colts can't get a stiff one looking at you without you sucking on them for twenty minutes. Their grandmas can buck better than you can.”

Rarity screamed like a Cerberus out of Tartarus. She spun Rainbow around violently, digging her forehooves into the front of Dash's coat. "Get that bucking smirk off your face before I blow it off, you blue bicycle."

"Rarity, Rainbow, that's enough." Applejack shoved herself between her two friends, listening to the thick, vile growls echoing from Rainbow's and Rarity's muzzles. “We’ve done stupid buckin’ things tonight but you two are bein’ so flat out stupid I can’t even think of a word for it. Disgustin’ I think fits.”

“It’s okay, AJ,” Rainbow said. “Rarity’s just being an alabaster asshole sniffer. She's just admitting it for once.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow, flicking an ear at Rainbow. "Ala... baster? When did you ever learn a word that big and formal?"

"When your dad showed you what coach cock tasted like,” Rainbow cackled, stomping a forehoof onto the floor.

"Oh so the daughter of a cloud architect certainly wasn't 'built' to order by her father?" Rarity smirked. "Have to 'taste' the rainbow reciprocal before public use, don’t we?"

Dash waved the remark away with her right wing. "Nah, my parents might be swingers, but they don't do that. Your life was built by my dad though. My dad hired yours and his Neighyxican porno mustache so he could get his green card."

A furious thunder roared out of Rarity's throat as her magic exploded to life with a blinding flare of light. It didn't light up to attack Rainbow Dash, but to blast Applejack to the side, sending Applejack rolling onto the ground.

"You whoring dyke! I, will, end you!"

It was not Fluttershy about to give both of her friends a through timeout or spanking that ended the fight. Nor was it Applejack about to grab both of them and pin them down, or Twilight about to put a force field around each of them.

It was Rainbow colliding her muzzle into Rarity's with the most passionate kiss that Rarity had ever felt.

Rarity's eyes turned into dots of shock the moment she felt Rainbow's snout and body collide with her own, chest to chest. She felt Rainbow's thick, fluffy, toned coat grind into her finer one, tickling her skin. That sensation was mild, compared to what was happening to her muzzle.

Rainbow was firmly sucking onto Rarity's tongue, coiling around it and toying with the member with a succulent, twirling dance of teasing fire that left Rarity blank. It was partially barbaric, and yet it had a skill to it that left her breathless. The amount of heart, soul, and seductive pull it had broke her like no novel nor lover had ever done before.

All the anger inside of her vanished in a heartbeat. The tension in her shoulders melted, and without even thinking about it, her forehooves wrapped around Rainbow's shoulders as she lost her spirit into the kiss.

Best friend? Yes. Despite all of the teasing, Rainbow would sever her wings to make sure Rarity was unharmed. Dash would mercilessly fight anyone who would touch Rarity in a manner that she would not want. Despite all the sarcasm, vulgarities, insults, and banter they exchanged between each other they were friends.

And it was damn fun. And as much as Rainbow made Rarity's stress levels shoot up from time to time she also made them fall down like misty rain, letting her laugh off her troubles.

Here was Rainbow, half raping her mouth with a saliva covered tongue that had decided to tap dance over her own with a precision and trained grace that left Rarity speechless. Having a tongue in your muzzle would do that.

Damning the less fun side of her personality, the morality of it all, their former exchanges of brutal and deadly words, Rarity's former thoughts on Rainbow, and the crowd that had gathered around the two Elements, Rarity kissed back.

"Well that escalated quickly!” Pinkie squealed, leaping away from Twilight and Fluttershy to get herself a front row seat of the action. “Everypony’s making out with everypony today! I like this. Five bits on Rainbow Dash!”

Applejack looked around at the small crowd of ponies watching what she and Rainbow had done at the spa look like a children’s cartoon nose kiss. Her emerald eyes glanced between the mumbling, gawking, cheering crowd that watched Rarity and Rainbow dig into each other's teeth.

She struggled to find words to explain what was going on, or in fact, the entire day as the information overload had once again registered in her head. She wasn't meant to compute this.

“I... I... oh to hay with it, I don’t give a crap anymore! Three on Rarity. She's mad and-there ya go, look at her massage Rainbow's wings."

"Woah-oww!" Pinkie cried, grabbing her face. Rainbow's blue wings had sprung from the sides of her body like a piston slamming down the bore of an engine. Tears dripped down Pinkie's face at the feathers scratching at her eye. "My eye! Dash's wing hit my eye! Damndiddy damn damn, that's not replaceable, Rainbow! Why are things hitting that today? It’s not fair." Pinkie whimpered, burying her head into Applejack's coat.

Twilight blinked in confusion. She wasn’t sure if she were awake or dead. Most likely it was a mix of the two.

"So let me get this straight," she said, taking a sip of her pale ale. "Rainbow and Rarity have been insulting each other all night, and now they are... making out? I'm not even shocked anymore. Maybe they are just releasing all of that tension. They going to kill each other tomorrow."

Fluttershy clopped her forehooves together in delight. "It's adorable and wonderful! I told you, Twilight. As long as they don't have angry sex or kill each other. Don't worry, girls, I'll make sure they get along." Fluttershy looked at Twilight, giggling to herself. “Wait, no, we do want them to have angry sex, because that means they will get it all out of their systems, and everything will be alright.”

"Shouldn't you be more concerned than any of us since you’re the closest to both of them?" Twilight asked. "I mean... they both go to you for secrets they don't tell any of us."

"Oh I am, but that's very depressing and it’s your job to worry about things, Twilight," Fluttershy said calmly.

"Fluttershy! Don't fuel my paranoia!"

"There, there, Twilight," Fluttershy said, grabbing her friend with a wing. She stroked through Twilight's mane affectionately. "Rarity and Rainbow just need a nice, long, musky mating session. They'll both be just fine afterwards. I... think."

"They're our best friends! This... both of them, anger, issues, sex, drinking, today, logic, life, thoughts!”

Rainbow's and Rarity's loud kissing had made the crowd around the Elements forget the almost death battle that had erupted between them. Saliva sharing was putting it mildly at this point, and heavy petting was skirting around being an understatement. Rarity had long since begun to massage the base of Dash's wings tightly with her trimmed forehooves, tugging on Rainbow's unleashed mane with her magic. Rainbow had given up all pretenses of whatever shame she had left and groped Rarity's sides, her snout moving with Rarity's around the kiss. Time didn't seem to apply to either of them.

For all of her own cheering, Pinkie Pie stopped, tilting her muzzle to the side. "You know... I can pull some crazy things, but breathing and choking on water for three minutes isn't one of them. This is just getting ridiculous!"

"The moment they stop, I have a spell ready to knock them out in case they try to rip out each others pancreases." Twilight sighed quietly, adding another reason to the list of why she was gaining weight.

“I think they’re injurin’ their tongues more than their organs," Applejack chuckled. "And I didn’t know you could cast under the influence."

Twilight smiled slyly. “I’ve done it before, just not this drunk,” she laughed. “What’s the worst that can happen? My horn turns into a dildo? Well... it already kind of is one!”

Applejack shook her head from side to side, unable to keep her own grin from spreading across her muzzle as she sat beside Twilight. “Say, Twi’?”

“Uhh... yes, Applejack?”

“I hate to be this blunt, and ya never hear that comin’ from me, but... well... aww shoot, I’m freakin’ stutterin’ on my own words.”

“So I’ll do it for you, AJ!” Pinkie grabbed both of her friends, pressing their two coats together. “I’m kinda drunk right now, and I’m most likely gonna totally pass out in about an hour, and you girls should too.”

“Pinkie,” Applejack hissed, “Shut yer-”

“-so what Jackie is trying to say, is that this night has been completely and utterly buck sucked clucked up a duckie’s yucky puck muck. In Equish, she’s saying she wants to sleep with you, but thinks that tonight would be horrible for that, but if you want to cuddle and do things she’s totally cool with that.”

"But I was trying to flirt with her!" Fluttershy whined. "What about me? I thought that Applejack was too... and... and I just got the confidence..." Her ears wilted by the side of her muzzle. "Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I don't have feelings too. But... umm... I'll be quiet, like I always am."

Twilight scoffed at the floor. "Applejack, I'm not sure that's a good time to ask for that, but I do feel like we're the only sane ponies left."

"Don't you remember an hour ago, Twilight?" Pinkie said. "Me and Applejack spent two hundred bits at Hot Topic!"

"So she's done some pretty stupid things, but not quite as stupid as everypony else."

"She made out with Rainbow Dash and was flirting with me! You might-"

Twilight's horn faintly shimmered to light as she propelled Pinkie into Fluttershy. "And... well... I'm kind of drunk and needy right now, and so I'm going to abuse my friendships for my own sanity."

"How very Dash like of ya," Applejack laughed. "And I wasn't hittin' on her. I... think. Just seein' how she'd react like what ya did to her earlier. I-"

“Woah woah woah, back, that, plot, up.” Pinkie Pie blew out a plume of air from the end of her snout, her cerulean eyes staring into Applejack's. “Are you saying I can’t take a hit, Jackie?”

“I... never said that." Applejack blinked. "But if I really decked you? No, Pinkers. You’d be out cold.”

“Oh yeah!? Bring it!” Pinkie prodded Applejack's chest. “Come on, give me a hit! I’ve been hit by many things before. Like my dad’s belt. You can’t hurt me.”

“Pinkie...” Twilight whimpered. “Please stop. Don't be an angry drunk. The stupidity of my friends today is too damn-”

“I told you no memes without my approval, Twi’ Twi’!” Pinkie shot back. “This fight is between me and the cousin cuddler!”

“If yer're tryin’ to be RD, Pinkie, yer're gonna fail and yer're gonna fail hard.” Applejack reached forward to ruffle through Pinkie’s mane affectionately. “I just couldn’t hit ya, Pinkie, unless you really went psycho on me. I just don’t see that in yer eyes.”

Pinkie pouted loudly. “O-o-o-oh yeah!? Well... uhh... you smell!”

“I’m mighty proud of my natural scent,” AJ rumbled, scoffing at her chest. "Natural and proud."

Pinkie sneered. “Well your mom-”

Applejack’s forehoof decked Pinkie in the cheek very much like Rarity’s did earlier that day with Fluttershy. The hoof was fully pressed into Pinkie's cheek, swung at a tilted angle, and made a sickening crunch on impact.

In other words: It was completely unlike the slap Rarity gave to Fluttershy. It was very much a full out barnyard punch to the face.

The result was Pinkie slamming into the formerly alcohol drinking and depressed Fluttershy, sending both of them tumbling into a stack of pillows.

“Ya know, I’m not even mad,” Applejack said, closing her eyes contently as she turned toward Twilight. “I just think that was three years of all of us twitchin' at her antics in one punch. Besides, she'll be alright, and she'll forgive me for it. You don't insult Mama."

She looked down to see Twilight gently pressing her muzzle into her neck, snorting quietly at the knock out punch that Applejack directed at Pinkie. "Now, Twi', you aren't allowed to be adorable. You just got that cute nerdy thing going on, and it can break hearts, girl."

"Oh shut up, Applejack, I'm just forgetting all of the stupidity around me and enjoying your body heat. Can't I enjoy how we've lost our innocence?" Twilight looked up at Applejack, giggling quietly to herself as she bumped her horn into Applejack's neck. "I'm just trying to wonder if I want to try a time travel spell again, take you home, blow this place up, or kiss you. Or maybe just wipe my mind."

Applejack lifted up Twilight's chin. "Why can't ya do all five at once in a different order? Hay, maybe I'll... oh damn it-we do need ta fix all of this in the next week-"

"Who cares about next week right now," Twilight stated. "Don't pull a me. Not here, and not now. You can do that later, but not now."

"Well I-"

Twilight pressed her lips into Applejack's, knowing that it was an effective solution into shutting most ponies up. It did exactly that with Applejack, and both of their ears folded by the sides of their muzzles as they accepted the improvised kiss.

Her rational mind agreed with her in that such a simple action could have solved most of the problems of the day, and in fact on retrospect it seemed to have with her, and pretty much all of her friends.

Although not quite.

"I just made out with Rainbow Dash and all I can taste is her!"

"Ahh fuck it, Rarity's awake," Applejack spat, sending a wad of saliva onto Twilight's nose. "Way to ruin the magic, Rarity."

"Eww!" Twilight coughed, wiping her muzzle. "I have your spit up my nose. Gross."

"Well blame them," Applejack snarled. "They startled me."

"What did you expect, Rarity?" Rainbow yelled, the entire front of Rarity's and her own snout were drenched in spittle. "Do you have any idea how incredible that was? Celestia's mom, you're the best kisser I've ever had! Look at me. I'm soaked, I'm drooling, and-"

"I don't care how delightfully decadent your groin and mouth is, because the whole concept of being with you is repulsive!" Rarity shoved Rainbow off of her to the disappointment of the crowd. However, their attention and enjoyment was being fulfilled by the berserk kissing of Pinkie and Fluttershy sloppily pulling onto each other's faces. The attention span of a crowd watching two mares in their prime making out was fickle.

Rarity glanced at Fluttershy and Pinkie. Despite her own muzzle being covered in Dash's saliva, the disgust on her face only grew worse. "Oh for Luna's lactations can we all-"

"Are you kidding me?" Rainbow pulled herself back up onto her hooves, letting out a happy laugh. "Your crotch was soaking mine. You can't say you're grossed out by any of this." She turned her muzzle to watch her two friends making out, letting out a soft whistle. "And that's why I dated both of them."

Scoffing off her coat with a brush of her forehooves, Rarity blew out a vibrating nicker of stress from her soul. "I'm done," she said flatly. "We're done, Dash. I can't take this anymore. There is only one proper way to solve this. I love you, darling. I hate you oh so much, darling, but there is one way to settle this score tonight. And I'm going to win, and you will accept it, and everypony in Canterlot and Equestria will know it. It will redeem everything that has gone wrong. Everything."

"No, Rarity!" Pinkie screamed, spit exploding from her snout to drench Fluttershy's face. "You can't do this! Please. I beg you!"

"Shut up, Pinkie Pie!" Rarity shouted, stomping a forehoof onto the floor, "it's the only universally agreed upon way this dispute can be solved between Rainbow and I."

"This is madness!" Pinkie cried, tears pouring down her cheeks. She flew over to hug Rarity tightly, sobbing into her coat. "It's not fashionable anymore! And she's... she's... Dashie's county champion! Just because you're runner up-"

"I, said, shut, up, Pinkie Pie!"

"I'll shut her up," Fluttershy growled seductively, pulling Pinkie on top of her.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Applejack, ignoring the bits of saliva dripping down her muzzle. "Uhh... do you-"

"No, and I don't give a damn," Applejack growled. "This day has buckin' sucked. Nothin's gone right."

"And maybe that's something you and I need to realize, Applejack. We want everything to be orderly and just like yesterday, and yet no matter how hard we try things always come up that change it. I-"

"Shut the hay up, Twilight; I'm too horny, tired, drunk, an' angry for a lecture."

Twilight's eyes stared into Applejack's. "How da-"

"Ya just wanted to push all of this off until later, and now ya're doublebackin' on what ya just said?" Applejack chuckled. "Sounds like somemare's having a bit of trouble with logic."

"Damn you," Twilight whispered, flicking her tail through Applejack's. "You are so like me sometimes."

Rainbow stared at Rarity, her eyes slowly blinking as she processed the words that hung through the air. She stood still, silently, until she fell over onto her side, squealing herself raw. "Holy crap, you are serious aren't you? You wanna get your plot kicked in public? Here? With this many ponies looking on, Rarity?"

Rarity stepped forward, pressing her muzzle into Rainbow's and reconnecting their saliva dripping snouts once again. "Oh my wondrous Rainbow," Rarity purred, "it is you who will be my slave in defeat. I know you'll accept, won't you?"

Dash tittered in excitement. "How can't I accept destroying you half drunk? Hay, this'll undrunk me, even if that's completely not possible."

"I still have no idea what they are talking about," Twilight said. "I-"

Her eyes opened in sheer horror.

"I can't let you two do this!" Twilight shoved herself between Rainbow and Rarity, her eyes darted between them in panic. "The heat exhaustion. The alcohol. Even more shame for us. Everything! It'll be a disaster. A horrible, horrible disaster! Worse than even the parasprites. Or even right now!"

Applejack was the last to compute the magnitude of what was to come. She instantly grabbed Twilight protectively, sweat pouring down her face. "N-n-no! I love ya girls, but you can't-"

"Yes!" Rarity bellowed, "I, Rarity Gemma, challenge you, Rainbow Lightning Dash, to Dance, Dance, Revolution."

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