• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,187 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter One: Caffeinated Carnal Cravings

Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: Everything was going to be fine.

Or more accurately, everything should be fine depending on the variables of Rainbow, Pinkie, and well... all of her friends. Including herself.

One could never have enough contingency plans when alcohol was involved. Plans always fell apart when they came in contact with the enemy, and in the chaos, one had to improvise.

Sadly, improvising and ethanol happened to be mortal enemies.

Should I be concerned that my friends convinced me to start drinking? she thought to herself. Well at least it's not cocaine! It was a slippery slope argument that she'd have to debate at a future time. For now, such rational concerns could be thrown to the wind.

Twilight had never drank before she came to Ponyville, much like many of the pleasures in life she had only learned in the last few years. Many of those pleasures were of a more innocent nature: Picnics, joking around with her friends about their work weeks, the silliness of Pinkie Pie, what stupidity Rainbow Dash had trotted into, and inadvertently turning a normal day into a world saving adventure.

Alcohol had been introduced to her to help her fondly remember those times. She was reluctant at first, but eventually she was broken into enjoying the substance and what pleasant effect it had on her mind.

It also helped her forget what they did and had done both sober and drunk that she regretted with every fiber of her being. It was therefore a constantly needed poison in her life at this point.

Despite her more naive self that was fading into the past and screaming of a childhood innocence ruined she had come to the conclusion that breaking out of her shell had been for the better. She had grown up quite a bit thanks to her fillyfriends in the ways that she needed the most, when she thought about it.

She had also become used to the insanity and ever increasing amounts of immaturity that occurred around her.

It was a fair trade, baring any migraines that said stupidity often induced. Stupidity and Twilight were mortal enemies, and it would be the futile and everlasting war against it that would kill her in the end.

Twilight brushed through her nearly twilight colored mane with her kind of twilight colored brush, humming a fast paced power metal ballad that would have surely made her friend Rainbow Dash whinny in glee. She wasn't usually a fan of the rampant guitar solos Rainbow called music, but for the moment it encapsulated the mood of the day. As it stood, this Sunday deserved her optimism.

And pessimism.

Sunday was the day off - minus any critical research that needed to be done in case a world changing discovery was lost forever - for her, and the day she planned an open schedule with her friends. No matter what. The importance of this Sunday however, was that once a month, something very special happened.

This Sunday was the day that Twilight and her girlfriends cut loose to simply enjoy being young adults with the help of a very potent, and very mythical chemical. Sometimes, being tipsy made all the problems in the world melt away. At least until the morning.

The library was open late on Sundays for ponies who sought to enjoy some weekend reading, and Spike didn’t seem to mind most of the time having to cover for her. I pay him extra for it, she thought to herself, trotting down to the kitchen. Triple chocolate ice cream really isn’t that expensive of a bribe, so it’s not like he’s suffering or anything!

She paused as she finished the final step. So here I am, concerned about his eating habits, and I’m bribing him with ice cream for my own free time. He knows I need the time off too, but I could at least have given him something healthier. Why did I immediately go with the ice cream last year when this deal started? How can I be a good big sister to him if I compromise his health for my health?

She inhaled and exhaled in the manner Cadance had taught her. I need some tea, she concluded. It’s just once a month, and I’m excited and frantic because I’m suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Everything is going to be fine.

Caffeine was indeed the solution. The moment she poured her thick drought of chai into her thermos and took a deep, hot sip was when her mind relaxed just from the placebo effect. The simple ritual of making the substance was a way to calm her thoughts and - for once - not process information to the point of exhaustion.

When her mind thought about it without her consent, maybe the rice puffs she snacked on during her study hours also helped make her days more bearable. The cheddar powdered ones of course, as the normal ones were disgustingly bland. It’s not like they were awful for her or anything.

And maybe the baked sour cream and onion chips helped too. They were better than the processed garbage, so it wasn’t like she should feel guilty or anything. They were low in fat as well.

And maybe the mini chocolate chip cookies Pinkie made that Twilight didn't even bother to chew; she simply let them melt on her tongue, feeling the bread disintegrate inside of her mouth. The chocolate ooze over her lips. The taste tickle her throat.

Maybe those... weren't great for her, but Pinkie used some high quality sugar, and it wasn't like she ate the whole snout sized bag in one sitting. Usually. Maybe sometimes over a night of critical studying that resulted in her sleeping all through the morning and afternoon she might, but those moments were few and far between. Usually.

And maybe it was the brown sugar cinnamon rolls Pinkie made that were covered in maple syrup and roasted pecans. Those definitely helped with a long night of studying. With Twilight’s magic, she could peel the buns apart perfectly along the grooves. It allowed her to stare at the glittering crystals of melted sugar and glazed cinnamon merging together in a manner that made her shiver when she thought about it. How the pecans crunched and that maple syrup-

This, could be why I’m over two hundred for the first time in my life, she mentally groaned. I was once one eighty seven before I came to Ponyville, and now I’m around two o’ two! I’m too young to have a midlife weight gain!

But... at least it’s a very solid number. But it’s too high of a number! My BMI simply isn’t meant to be this high.

Although... BMI isn’t always a reliable source of muscle to fat ratios either. What do I do? I-

“Damn it,” she cursed, despite her best intentions not too. Gods and demons barely phased her anymore, but the thought of being above average in weight simply was not an acceptable outcome.

Her horn flared sharply around the thermos, contemplating the tickling urge to crush the metal into a ball and throw it through her fridge for the sake of destructive delight.

“Caffeine withdrawal," she said steadily to herself. "You’re supposed to curb hunger, not make me all jittery and want to binge eat.”

Except... that’s what caffeine can do, her logical mind replied. It is a hunger suppressant, but the nervousness it can cause could inadvertently lead toward food cravings for us. And we... haven't exactly been known for stress control under non-world ending events.

“I didn’t ask for your clarification right now!” she shouted to herself, stomping a forehoof on her kitchen floor. "If I wanted to psychoanalyze myself I'd ask for your help. Stay out of this."

So you're asking us to stop being us? Think about that. It's logically-

Don't make me go Rainbow Dash on you, Twilight replied to her inner voice, because I will, and neither of us will like it if I do.

It will only give us a headache, lose brain cells, and-

"Twilight, are you... talking to yourself again in the manner you do?" Rarity sang wistfully. It was best Rarity assumed her friend's insanity was relatively mild. For her own sake.

Twilight jumped at the voice calling from behind her front door. She swore mentally in Neightin, very much unlike the classical Neightin she was formally taught. Most ponies didn't know that Neightin was a horribly dirty language if used improperly. Celestia would have been amused at how much Twilight really knew of the mostly dead language.

"Because while I talk to myself too, dear," Rarity continued, "and I certainly am a dramatic filly and all, we all know what happens when you start talking to yourself. Please be a dear and open the door and relax. All you need is a loving hug from your sweet friend."

Twilight mumbled to herself. Why can't all of my friends arrange themselves reasonably to work around my schedule? she thought.

Today is the day you don't plan anything, remember? her brain said.

"I thought I told you to be quiet," she hissed.

Her mind continued without her consent. OCD as always, Twilight. Three years should of taught you by now Ponyville doesn't operate like the rest of Equestria. Besides, you have more important things to worry about right now. Like Rarity.

"-a therapist, sweetie," Rarity said. "Now I'm a patient mare and do ramble from time to time, but I don't want to treat you like I'm some sort of hostage negotiator." She hesitated at the lack of a reply. "You are... alright? Aren't you, Twilight?"

"Yes," Twilight sighed. "I'm just... never mind, it's complicated. No, it isn't really. I-you know what? Rarity, I could use your help. Big time."

The library door slowly opened to let in Rarity, humming and announcing her presence with every trot of her hooves on the wooden floor. "You know very well I don't want to see your sanity slip, Twilight." Rarity leaned forward to give Twilight a soft hug, pecking her on the cheek with her lips. "Now come; tell me, what has you arguing with yourself?" She hung her forehooves over the kitchen counter to smile at Twilight, flicking her twirled tail behind herself in interest. "You should save that energy for tomorrow morning; for there is no time to regret today yet!"

"Am I fat, Rarity?" Twilight asked, sipping her tea.

The comment caught Rarity off guard, stopping her face in mid expression.

If there was any question a close friend could ask that Rarity never wanted to have to give an honest reply to, being asked if they were fat would be considered high on her list.

She looked around for several seconds as if the bookshelves or the library itself were staring at her. It was only Twilight who was looking at her, a range of emotions going across her face at seeing Rarity dodging her question. She did her best to act as if she hadn't noticed Twilight analyzing her expression.

She turned her snout gently to the side. "Are you... fat?"

Twilight took another thick gulp of her chai. "Am I fat?" she said more sternly. "You should know all about this."

The faintest of scowls began to cross Rarity's snout. "I beg your pardon, Twilight? Do tell me that drink isn't spiked. If it is, we need to have a talk. A firm one. Not even Applejack or Rainbow Dash start this early on the weekends. Often." She snorted. "One must accept their friends and all their weaknesses, and one must do what they can to aid them in their time of need."

"I didn't touch her tea, so don't blame me." Spike yawned lazily, scratching his back as he walked down the library staircase. "If there's one thing I don't get about you ponies it's your tea and coffee. Yuck. Rather have a salad any day over that stuff."

"This doesn't have anything to do with alcohol or you, Spike," Twilight replied, a calm smile spreading over Rarity's muzzle. "It's what keeps us from turning into zombies, but that's beside the point."

Spike stopped at the last step, the panic that was spreading over his face only half hidden, as was Twilight's own slightly dark smile. "Y-y-you're joking right? I thought it just woke you up. Is that-"

"It's an analogy," Twilight said, Spike exhaling his pent up fear. "Am I fat and you aren't telling me, Rarity?"

Rarity stumbled on her words, sweat dripping down her cheeks. "B-b-but I-I n-"

Twilight leaned forward to hover her muzzle inches from Rarity's own. "Rarity," she said gently, "you know that I'm not going to get mad at you if you tell me I need to do something about myself. I just... I just need someone who judges bodies in a critical way. I won't get mad at you. I promise."

Spike walked toward the kitchen, peeking over to compare Twilight and Rarity's withers. He didn't mind the free opportunity to look at high quality mare flank. "Well I can do my best, Twilight, and you always know that I'm here to help you in any way I can."

Twilight smiled sweetly down at him. "Thanks, Spike. I can always count on you for an objective analysis and I can combine that with Rarity's thoughts."

"Alright," she said, relaxing her body, "tell me how I compare to Rarity. Just... realize I'm not as beautiful as her."

"Oh, Twilight, you have to stop thinking so lowly of your physique," Rarity said, patting Twilight's cheek. "Besides, Spike isn't-"

"Rarity's just curves like the most amazing diamonds ever," Spike swooned. "It's-"

"-oh isn't he adorable!" Rarity squealed, tugging over Spike to scratch him behind his ears. "He's growing up so fast!"

Twilight deflated quickly, her own ears wilting by the side of her muzzle.

So much for objective help. Thank you, Spike. This is what happens when I slowly get you into my kind of humor, and pervert it with your own.

"You know, Rarity, he's..." Twilight sighed deeply. "Never mind."

"Never mind what?" Spike shivered happily, Rarity's forehoof dragging down his snout forcing out a rumble of pleasure from his throat. He nuzzled into her hoof as if he was a scaled cat, and clearly seemed content to milk every bit of Rarity's attention.

"Oh he's just growing up and young!" Rarity nickered. "Do you not think I am used to comments about my body, Twilight? Spikey Whikey is just developing excellent tastes in beauty. How can I not be happy for that?"

You are happy when anypony praises your good looks, Rarity. Twilight ground her teeth together.

Rarity seemed more than content to keep on petting Spike, only adding more insult to injury to Twilight's currently fragile ego.

Twilight was not amused. "My hind legs, Rarity," she growled.

Rarity coughed politely, pulling her forehoof away from Spike's muzzle. "But of course, Twilight!"

She hummed to herself as she slowly trotted around Twilight's frame, gently stroking a forehoof through her coat to feel the skin and muscles underneath. She pinched Twilight several times, causing a wince to twitch over Twilight's muzzle on reflex.

"I see," Rarity said, stroking her chin. "Hmm... interesting."

"Is it that bad!?" Twilight was doing everything she could not to trot in place. Her crunched up face pushed into her own neck, sweat dripping down the front of her coat. "Oh please, Rarity, this isn't funny! I'm serious! Please... am I hideous? Is my mane and tail the only thing I have left that's attractive?"

Rarity stepped away from Twilight, her sapphire eyes seeming to absorb every curve across Twilight's form.

"Twilight dear..."

"Yes?" Twilight croaked.

"You've gained a bit of a stomach-but you've always had a tiny pouch there. Your neck is fine, but your sides have gained a bit of smoothness. As for your hind quarters, dear..."

"Just say it like Applejack would!"

Rarity bit her bottom lip. "Well then: Your pear is certainly full this year, but it is a full pear of the finest... vintage." Rarity sighed deeply. "You see what happens when-"

Tears welled up in the corners of Twilight's eyes as a whimper escaped from the end of her muzzle. "I'm... fat. And nopony told me? I thought you all..."

She collapsed onto her flank with a rolling whine escaping from her lips.

Her worst fears were confirmed, other then perhaps the theory of relativity or quantum magic being demonstrated to be false.

She was fat. Her only redeeming traits being her mind, heart, mane, tail, and that she moments of adorableness inside of her.

Rarity whimpered in return. "Dear, no no! Oh damn it, come here you lovely lavender lady you."

Rarity cooed affectionately, tugging Twilight in front of her with a thrum of magic. She caressed Twilight's mane affectionately, hushing her with quiet, motherly sounds trundling out of her muzzle.

"Oh to hay with it," Rarity said, "you have gained weight, but it fits you well," she said sweetly. "You are... 'pleasantly plump' as Pinkie might say."

"That doesn't make me feel any better!" Twilight cried.

Spike gently pat Twilight's cutie mark, twirling a talon through the flesh. "It is kind of soft, Twilight. And wow... can I sleep with you? This would make a killer pillow."

Twilight turned her snout swiftly toward Spike's, her eyes glowing robotic death. "If you don't want to lick the dust on the floor, Spike..."

Despite slowly grinning from his personal victory of sarcasm, he fell back once Rarity furiously leered at him.

"He only means to cheer you up, Twilight, and you are not fat," Rarity said more firmly, stroking through her friend's mane. "You have a beautifully shaped behind, dear, but why are you so concerned all of a sudden? You have always been cute, and you always will be. All you need if you are that concerned about your weight is the help of your lovely friends."

Rarity snorted loudly, the visible exhale hanging in the air in front of her. "And don't let any colt or mare who says anything about your weight get to you, if that may be the case. Because I will tell you right now: If there is a pony who is calling you ugly, dear, I am sure I can have something... 'socially arranged' to fix that."

And this is why you need to be less paranoid. Rarity would do anything to show you that you are beautiful, Twilight thought.

Although... that she would consider making a pony be socially outcasted for me is slightly... scary.

Twilight clopped her forehooves together nervously. "Well... you know that I prefer it simple when it comes to my visual appearance. But... well..."

"Yes?" Rarity said, leaning forward to press her forehead against Twilight's.

"There's a reason I'm so paranoid about my image. I..."

"Yes?"

"Maybe want to go out on a date."

Rarity pulled back her muzzle, blinking in disbelief. "You've never dated? Surely you have in the last three years since you've been here. You aren't the shy 'no friends for me' Twilight I once knew. Don't you remember last New Years Eve in Bayston? Surely you..."

Twilight giggled at the memory, pulling herself back up to drink once more from her tea. "How can I forget that weekend? But no, I didn't do anything there that you thought I did. Because... well... I guess I'm nervous about going that far."

"You've become so socially adept though, dear." Rarity trotted over to sit down on the bottom step of Twilight's staircase. "You are a wonderful public speaker, and are one of if not the most interesting pony that I know. Why are you so afraid to date? It could do miracles to your OCD. Or horrible things, but that's why you have us."

Twilight chuckled dryly, closing her eyes to channel forth energy from her horn. With a glowing sphere of raspberry dew enveloping her body she teleported directly beside Rarity, a smile once more on her muzzle.

"Despite how much I've changed I've never found the time or confidence to date." Twilight stroked the back of her head shyly. "Younger me would find the concept of even thinking about a date to be repulsive, but isn't that part of what we do at our age?"

"What exactly... did you all do in Bayston, anyways?" Spike asked, shuffling through the frig. "You never told me much."

Twilight and Rarity glanced at each other.

Some facts of life just shouldn't be brought up to a dragon who would one day hit puberty.

"It's a tradition around New Years Eve to... date a pony for a day," Twilight said with a faintly heard chuckle, her tail twitching nervously behind herself. "You get to know them, and spend time with them sharing what you've learned about life throughout the year."

"Yes... what... Twilight said." Rarity smiled innocently.

Spike stared at them silently. It was the kind of stare that Twilight had grown more and more concerned with every time she saw it.

He knows we are hiding something from him because we think he is too young.

He is too young, her rational mind replied. Do you have any idea how much I've planned for the day that he questions us about sex and dating?

Not enough to ever make either of us not have a panic attack when that day comes?

Her rational mind whimpered. We have enough things to worry about. Don't remind me.

Spike huffed quietly, swatting away the notion. "Dating for a day? Sounds like a lame date to me," he mumbled, pouring himself a glass of milk. "That doesn't sound like something everypony should be so excited about. At least you get presents and gifts on Hearth's Warming day."

"You know, Twilight," Rarity continued, "you don't have to just jump into dating." She ignored the comment on time constraints. "In fact, if you would like my personal opinion - and I am sure you do - we need to build up your confidence to the point you aren't stumbling into a date wondering if you are good enough."

She wrapped a forehoof around Twilight's shoulder, leaning into her supportively. "And that also means swatting away the notion that you aren't physically beautiful. You really do have a form to you that nopony else I know has. It is lovely, and I do mean that."

"And we would be building my confidence... how exactly?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well... you have certainly enjoyed our monthly get togethers," Rarity said. "And you have opened yourself up to the joys of a bit of fine wine."

"I'm not sure I would call drinking 'fine wine'," Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

Rarity turned toward Spike, giving him a playful wink. "And I think this is a conversation more... 'fitting' in private, as much as I love you, Spike."

With a deep sigh and a huff of smoke escaping from the end of Spike's muzzle he sat himself up on the kitchen counter, kicking his legs. "Sheesh, why do you all treat me like I'm a kid?"

"You are one," Twilight said with a smirk building up around the corner of her muzzle. Deciding to let out a bit more evilness - and stress - she enveloped Spike in a whirl of her magic, teleporting him directly in front of her. She was content to listen to the gentle cry of protest he made. It made the repressed darker sides of her happy to be momentary appeased.

Sadistically teasing my younger brother and making his life a bit of Tartarus for my own amusement? She both mentally and physically smiled. I should get that part of me checked out, but at least he doesn't have to go to public school. I couldn't torture him that much.

You know we enjoy torturing him from time to time, her brain responded.

I will never deny that.

She leaned done to give Spike a kiss on the forehead, watching him sputter and fluster incoherently.

"Did you have to do that in front of Rarity!?" he bawked.

"Oh I find it adorable," Rarity hummed, stroking his head spines. "If you think for one moment that it makes me think lower of you, Spike, you are being quite the silly little dragon."

"But I don't want to be silly! I want to be sexy. Like you, Rarity!"

Ruby flushed across Rarity's cheeks at the unexpected and slightly unwelcome compliment. She opened her mouth to comment, only to be interrupted by Twilight.

"And that's why, Spike, this is a private conversation. And we're going to talk about that word tomorrow."

"It's not like it's anything compared to what Rainbow or Applejack say all the time," Spike mumbled, folding his arms across his chest. "I hear them too you know."

"Well it seems we may need to have a talk with them about what words they can and can not use in public." Rarity coughed, composing herself. "Just because they are... 'adults', Spike, doesn't mean that they can say what they do and it is right."

Twilight nodded at Rarity. "Exactly. They can be a bit... much sometimes."

He gulped down a chug of milk with a dismissive wave of his claws. "I just want to be like those colts in the Playmares you have under your bed, Twilight. You know, get all the ladies like they do. And speaking of that... why do you put them there? They smell funny from being under there, and are kind of ripped."

"Oh horseapples we have to meet the girls soon, don't we, Rarity?" Twilight's face had turned cerise, matching the red on Rarity's.

"Oh drat we do!" Rarity gasped. "We need to get out of here before we are late!"

"I promise to bring back ice cream for you, Spike-ahh a snake!"

With a cracking hum of burning red magic, Twilight and Rarity disappeared, leaving a faintly scorched floor behind where they once stood.

Spike simply sat there. Slowly blinking in confusion. He attempted to compute what had just happened, and he had come up blank.

"I wonder why you are so nervous about those magazines?" He stroked his chin. "It's just naked ponies with really good anatomy."

He mumbled only to himself, wishing he had another target to vent his world ending woes. "And thanks for the burned-"

"You want me to go to the club and get laid!?" Twilight's screaming shout rattled not rattleable objects.

Rarity yelped. "I never said that I was-"

"Oh," Spike growled, "so she gets to dance and lay on soft pillows after dancing, and eat food, and she's complaining about it!? It better be good ice cream."

Author's Note:

For newcomers: I hope you enjoy. For anyone who has read the two older versions: Thank you for finding it so funny you are giving it another read. You guys mean the world to me. I could not have done this without you all.

And if you are looking for the sequel, here it is! http://www.fimfiction.net/story/128185/alcohol-alicorns-and-airships

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