Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: Everything was going to be fine.
Or more accurately, everything should be fine depending on the variables of Rainbow, Pinkie, and well... all of her friends. Including herself.
One could never have enough contingency plans when alcohol was involved. Plans always fell apart when they came in contact with the enemy, and in the chaos, one had to improvise.
Sadly, improvising and ethanol happened to be mortal enemies.
Should I be concerned that my friends convinced me to start drinking? she thought to herself. Well at least it's not cocaine! It was a slippery slope argument that she'd have to debate at a future time. For now, such rational concerns could be thrown to the wind.
Twilight had never drank before she came to Ponyville, much like many of the pleasures in life she had only learned in the last few years. Many of those pleasures were of a more innocent nature: Picnics, joking around with her friends about their work weeks, the silliness of Pinkie Pie, what stupidity Rainbow Dash had trotted into, and inadvertently turning a normal day into a world saving adventure.
Alcohol had been introduced to her to help her fondly remember those times. She was reluctant at first, but eventually she was broken into enjoying the substance and what pleasant effect it had on her mind.
It also helped her forget what they did and had done both sober and drunk that she regretted with every fiber of her being. It was therefore a constantly needed poison in her life at this point.
Despite her more naive self that was fading into the past and screaming of a childhood innocence ruined she had come to the conclusion that breaking out of her shell had been for the better. She had grown up quite a bit thanks to her fillyfriends in the ways that she needed the most, when she thought about it.
She had also become used to the insanity and ever increasing amounts of immaturity that occurred around her.
It was a fair trade, baring any migraines that said stupidity often induced. Stupidity and Twilight were mortal enemies, and it would be the futile and everlasting war against it that would kill her in the end.
Twilight brushed through her nearly twilight colored mane with her kind of twilight colored brush, humming a fast paced power metal ballad that would have surely made her friend Rainbow Dash whinny in glee. She wasn't usually a fan of the rampant guitar solos Rainbow called music, but for the moment it encapsulated the mood of the day. As it stood, this Sunday deserved her optimism.
And pessimism.
Sunday was the day off - minus any critical research that needed to be done in case a world changing discovery was lost forever - for her, and the day she planned an open schedule with her friends. No matter what. The importance of this Sunday however, was that once a month, something very special happened.
This Sunday was the day that Twilight and her girlfriends cut loose to simply enjoy being young adults with the help of a very potent, and very mythical chemical. Sometimes, being tipsy made all the problems in the world melt away. At least until the morning.
The library was open late on Sundays for ponies who sought to enjoy some weekend reading, and Spike didn’t seem to mind most of the time having to cover for her. I pay him extra for it, she thought to herself, trotting down to the kitchen. Triple chocolate ice cream really isn’t that expensive of a bribe, so it’s not like he’s suffering or anything!
She paused as she finished the final step. So here I am, concerned about his eating habits, and I’m bribing him with ice cream for my own free time. He knows I need the time off too, but I could at least have given him something healthier. Why did I immediately go with the ice cream last year when this deal started? How can I be a good big sister to him if I compromise his health for my health?
She inhaled and exhaled in the manner Cadance had taught her. I need some tea, she concluded. It’s just once a month, and I’m excited and frantic because I’m suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Everything is going to be fine.
Caffeine was indeed the solution. The moment she poured her thick drought of chai into her thermos and took a deep, hot sip was when her mind relaxed just from the placebo effect. The simple ritual of making the substance was a way to calm her thoughts and - for once - not process information to the point of exhaustion.
When her mind thought about it without her consent, maybe the rice puffs she snacked on during her study hours also helped make her days more bearable. The cheddar powdered ones of course, as the normal ones were disgustingly bland. It’s not like they were awful for her or anything.
And maybe the baked sour cream and onion chips helped too. They were better than the processed garbage, so it wasn’t like she should feel guilty or anything. They were low in fat as well.
And maybe the mini chocolate chip cookies Pinkie made that Twilight didn't even bother to chew; she simply let them melt on her tongue, feeling the bread disintegrate inside of her mouth. The chocolate ooze over her lips. The taste tickle her throat.
Maybe those... weren't great for her, but Pinkie used some high quality sugar, and it wasn't like she ate the whole snout sized bag in one sitting. Usually. Maybe sometimes over a night of critical studying that resulted in her sleeping all through the morning and afternoon she might, but those moments were few and far between. Usually.
And maybe it was the brown sugar cinnamon rolls Pinkie made that were covered in maple syrup and roasted pecans. Those definitely helped with a long night of studying. With Twilight’s magic, she could peel the buns apart perfectly along the grooves. It allowed her to stare at the glittering crystals of melted sugar and glazed cinnamon merging together in a manner that made her shiver when she thought about it. How the pecans crunched and that maple syrup-
This, could be why I’m over two hundred for the first time in my life, she mentally groaned. I was once one eighty seven before I came to Ponyville, and now I’m around two o’ two! I’m too young to have a midlife weight gain!
But... at least it’s a very solid number. But it’s too high of a number! My BMI simply isn’t meant to be this high.
Although... BMI isn’t always a reliable source of muscle to fat ratios either. What do I do? I-
“Damn it,” she cursed, despite her best intentions not too. Gods and demons barely phased her anymore, but the thought of being above average in weight simply was not an acceptable outcome.
Her horn flared sharply around the thermos, contemplating the tickling urge to crush the metal into a ball and throw it through her fridge for the sake of destructive delight.
“Caffeine withdrawal," she said steadily to herself. "You’re supposed to curb hunger, not make me all jittery and want to binge eat.”
Except... that’s what caffeine can do, her logical mind replied. It is a hunger suppressant, but the nervousness it can cause could inadvertently lead toward food cravings for us. And we... haven't exactly been known for stress control under non-world ending events.
“I didn’t ask for your clarification right now!” she shouted to herself, stomping a forehoof on her kitchen floor. "If I wanted to psychoanalyze myself I'd ask for your help. Stay out of this."
So you're asking us to stop being us? Think about that. It's logically-
Don't make me go Rainbow Dash on you, Twilight replied to her inner voice, because I will, and neither of us will like it if I do.
It will only give us a headache, lose brain cells, and-
"Twilight, are you... talking to yourself again in the manner you do?" Rarity sang wistfully. It was best Rarity assumed her friend's insanity was relatively mild. For her own sake.
Twilight jumped at the voice calling from behind her front door. She swore mentally in Neightin, very much unlike the classical Neightin she was formally taught. Most ponies didn't know that Neightin was a horribly dirty language if used improperly. Celestia would have been amused at how much Twilight really knew of the mostly dead language.
"Because while I talk to myself too, dear," Rarity continued, "and I certainly am a dramatic filly and all, we all know what happens when you start talking to yourself. Please be a dear and open the door and relax. All you need is a loving hug from your sweet friend."
Twilight mumbled to herself. Why can't all of my friends arrange themselves reasonably to work around my schedule? she thought.
Today is the day you don't plan anything, remember? her brain said.
"I thought I told you to be quiet," she hissed.
Her mind continued without her consent. OCD as always, Twilight. Three years should of taught you by now Ponyville doesn't operate like the rest of Equestria. Besides, you have more important things to worry about right now. Like Rarity.
"-a therapist, sweetie," Rarity said. "Now I'm a patient mare and do ramble from time to time, but I don't want to treat you like I'm some sort of hostage negotiator." She hesitated at the lack of a reply. "You are... alright? Aren't you, Twilight?"
"Yes," Twilight sighed. "I'm just... never mind, it's complicated. No, it isn't really. I-you know what? Rarity, I could use your help. Big time."
The library door slowly opened to let in Rarity, humming and announcing her presence with every trot of her hooves on the wooden floor. "You know very well I don't want to see your sanity slip, Twilight." Rarity leaned forward to give Twilight a soft hug, pecking her on the cheek with her lips. "Now come; tell me, what has you arguing with yourself?" She hung her forehooves over the kitchen counter to smile at Twilight, flicking her twirled tail behind herself in interest. "You should save that energy for tomorrow morning; for there is no time to regret today yet!"
"Am I fat, Rarity?" Twilight asked, sipping her tea.
The comment caught Rarity off guard, stopping her face in mid expression.
If there was any question a close friend could ask that Rarity never wanted to have to give an honest reply to, being asked if they were fat would be considered high on her list.
She looked around for several seconds as if the bookshelves or the library itself were staring at her. It was only Twilight who was looking at her, a range of emotions going across her face at seeing Rarity dodging her question. She did her best to act as if she hadn't noticed Twilight analyzing her expression.
She turned her snout gently to the side. "Are you... fat?"
Twilight took another thick gulp of her chai. "Am I fat?" she said more sternly. "You should know all about this."
The faintest of scowls began to cross Rarity's snout. "I beg your pardon, Twilight? Do tell me that drink isn't spiked. If it is, we need to have a talk. A firm one. Not even Applejack or Rainbow Dash start this early on the weekends. Often." She snorted. "One must accept their friends and all their weaknesses, and one must do what they can to aid them in their time of need."
"I didn't touch her tea, so don't blame me." Spike yawned lazily, scratching his back as he walked down the library staircase. "If there's one thing I don't get about you ponies it's your tea and coffee. Yuck. Rather have a salad any day over that stuff."
"This doesn't have anything to do with alcohol or you, Spike," Twilight replied, a calm smile spreading over Rarity's muzzle. "It's what keeps us from turning into zombies, but that's beside the point."
Spike stopped at the last step, the panic that was spreading over his face only half hidden, as was Twilight's own slightly dark smile. "Y-y-you're joking right? I thought it just woke you up. Is that-"
"It's an analogy," Twilight said, Spike exhaling his pent up fear. "Am I fat and you aren't telling me, Rarity?"
Rarity stumbled on her words, sweat dripping down her cheeks. "B-b-but I-I n-"
Twilight leaned forward to hover her muzzle inches from Rarity's own. "Rarity," she said gently, "you know that I'm not going to get mad at you if you tell me I need to do something about myself. I just... I just need someone who judges bodies in a critical way. I won't get mad at you. I promise."
Spike walked toward the kitchen, peeking over to compare Twilight and Rarity's withers. He didn't mind the free opportunity to look at high quality mare flank. "Well I can do my best, Twilight, and you always know that I'm here to help you in any way I can."
Twilight smiled sweetly down at him. "Thanks, Spike. I can always count on you for an objective analysis and I can combine that with Rarity's thoughts."
"Alright," she said, relaxing her body, "tell me how I compare to Rarity. Just... realize I'm not as beautiful as her."
"Oh, Twilight, you have to stop thinking so lowly of your physique," Rarity said, patting Twilight's cheek. "Besides, Spike isn't-"
"Rarity's just curves like the most amazing diamonds ever," Spike swooned. "It's-"
"-oh isn't he adorable!" Rarity squealed, tugging over Spike to scratch him behind his ears. "He's growing up so fast!"
Twilight deflated quickly, her own ears wilting by the side of her muzzle.
So much for objective help. Thank you, Spike. This is what happens when I slowly get you into my kind of humor, and pervert it with your own.
"You know, Rarity, he's..." Twilight sighed deeply. "Never mind."
"Never mind what?" Spike shivered happily, Rarity's forehoof dragging down his snout forcing out a rumble of pleasure from his throat. He nuzzled into her hoof as if he was a scaled cat, and clearly seemed content to milk every bit of Rarity's attention.
"Oh he's just growing up and young!" Rarity nickered. "Do you not think I am used to comments about my body, Twilight? Spikey Whikey is just developing excellent tastes in beauty. How can I not be happy for that?"
You are happy when anypony praises your good looks, Rarity. Twilight ground her teeth together.
Rarity seemed more than content to keep on petting Spike, only adding more insult to injury to Twilight's currently fragile ego.
Twilight was not amused. "My hind legs, Rarity," she growled.
Rarity coughed politely, pulling her forehoof away from Spike's muzzle. "But of course, Twilight!"
She hummed to herself as she slowly trotted around Twilight's frame, gently stroking a forehoof through her coat to feel the skin and muscles underneath. She pinched Twilight several times, causing a wince to twitch over Twilight's muzzle on reflex.
"I see," Rarity said, stroking her chin. "Hmm... interesting."
"Is it that bad!?" Twilight was doing everything she could not to trot in place. Her crunched up face pushed into her own neck, sweat dripping down the front of her coat. "Oh please, Rarity, this isn't funny! I'm serious! Please... am I hideous? Is my mane and tail the only thing I have left that's attractive?"
Rarity stepped away from Twilight, her sapphire eyes seeming to absorb every curve across Twilight's form.
"Twilight dear..."
"Yes?" Twilight croaked.
"You've gained a bit of a stomach-but you've always had a tiny pouch there. Your neck is fine, but your sides have gained a bit of smoothness. As for your hind quarters, dear..."
"Just say it like Applejack would!"
Rarity bit her bottom lip. "Well then: Your pear is certainly full this year, but it is a full pear of the finest... vintage." Rarity sighed deeply. "You see what happens when-"
Tears welled up in the corners of Twilight's eyes as a whimper escaped from the end of her muzzle. "I'm... fat. And nopony told me? I thought you all..."
She collapsed onto her flank with a rolling whine escaping from her lips.
Her worst fears were confirmed, other then perhaps the theory of relativity or quantum magic being demonstrated to be false.
She was fat. Her only redeeming traits being her mind, heart, mane, tail, and that she moments of adorableness inside of her.
Rarity whimpered in return. "Dear, no no! Oh damn it, come here you lovely lavender lady you."
Rarity cooed affectionately, tugging Twilight in front of her with a thrum of magic. She caressed Twilight's mane affectionately, hushing her with quiet, motherly sounds trundling out of her muzzle.
"Oh to hay with it," Rarity said, "you have gained weight, but it fits you well," she said sweetly. "You are... 'pleasantly plump' as Pinkie might say."
"That doesn't make me feel any better!" Twilight cried.
Spike gently pat Twilight's cutie mark, twirling a talon through the flesh. "It is kind of soft, Twilight. And wow... can I sleep with you? This would make a killer pillow."
Twilight turned her snout swiftly toward Spike's, her eyes glowing robotic death. "If you don't want to lick the dust on the floor, Spike..."
Despite slowly grinning from his personal victory of sarcasm, he fell back once Rarity furiously leered at him.
"He only means to cheer you up, Twilight, and you are not fat," Rarity said more firmly, stroking through her friend's mane. "You have a beautifully shaped behind, dear, but why are you so concerned all of a sudden? You have always been cute, and you always will be. All you need if you are that concerned about your weight is the help of your lovely friends."
Rarity snorted loudly, the visible exhale hanging in the air in front of her. "And don't let any colt or mare who says anything about your weight get to you, if that may be the case. Because I will tell you right now: If there is a pony who is calling you ugly, dear, I am sure I can have something... 'socially arranged' to fix that."
And this is why you need to be less paranoid. Rarity would do anything to show you that you are beautiful, Twilight thought.
Although... that she would consider making a pony be socially outcasted for me is slightly... scary.
Twilight clopped her forehooves together nervously. "Well... you know that I prefer it simple when it comes to my visual appearance. But... well..."
"Yes?" Rarity said, leaning forward to press her forehead against Twilight's.
"There's a reason I'm so paranoid about my image. I..."
"Yes?"
"Maybe want to go out on a date."
Rarity pulled back her muzzle, blinking in disbelief. "You've never dated? Surely you have in the last three years since you've been here. You aren't the shy 'no friends for me' Twilight I once knew. Don't you remember last New Years Eve in Bayston? Surely you..."
Twilight giggled at the memory, pulling herself back up to drink once more from her tea. "How can I forget that weekend? But no, I didn't do anything there that you thought I did. Because... well... I guess I'm nervous about going that far."
"You've become so socially adept though, dear." Rarity trotted over to sit down on the bottom step of Twilight's staircase. "You are a wonderful public speaker, and are one of if not the most interesting pony that I know. Why are you so afraid to date? It could do miracles to your OCD. Or horrible things, but that's why you have us."
Twilight chuckled dryly, closing her eyes to channel forth energy from her horn. With a glowing sphere of raspberry dew enveloping her body she teleported directly beside Rarity, a smile once more on her muzzle.
"Despite how much I've changed I've never found the time or confidence to date." Twilight stroked the back of her head shyly. "Younger me would find the concept of even thinking about a date to be repulsive, but isn't that part of what we do at our age?"
"What exactly... did you all do in Bayston, anyways?" Spike asked, shuffling through the frig. "You never told me much."
Twilight and Rarity glanced at each other.
Some facts of life just shouldn't be brought up to a dragon who would one day hit puberty.
"It's a tradition around New Years Eve to... date a pony for a day," Twilight said with a faintly heard chuckle, her tail twitching nervously behind herself. "You get to know them, and spend time with them sharing what you've learned about life throughout the year."
"Yes... what... Twilight said." Rarity smiled innocently.
Spike stared at them silently. It was the kind of stare that Twilight had grown more and more concerned with every time she saw it.
He knows we are hiding something from him because we think he is too young.
He is too young, her rational mind replied. Do you have any idea how much I've planned for the day that he questions us about sex and dating?
Not enough to ever make either of us not have a panic attack when that day comes?
Her rational mind whimpered. We have enough things to worry about. Don't remind me.
Spike huffed quietly, swatting away the notion. "Dating for a day? Sounds like a lame date to me," he mumbled, pouring himself a glass of milk. "That doesn't sound like something everypony should be so excited about. At least you get presents and gifts on Hearth's Warming day."
"You know, Twilight," Rarity continued, "you don't have to just jump into dating." She ignored the comment on time constraints. "In fact, if you would like my personal opinion - and I am sure you do - we need to build up your confidence to the point you aren't stumbling into a date wondering if you are good enough."
She wrapped a forehoof around Twilight's shoulder, leaning into her supportively. "And that also means swatting away the notion that you aren't physically beautiful. You really do have a form to you that nopony else I know has. It is lovely, and I do mean that."
"And we would be building my confidence... how exactly?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well... you have certainly enjoyed our monthly get togethers," Rarity said. "And you have opened yourself up to the joys of a bit of fine wine."
"I'm not sure I would call drinking 'fine wine'," Twilight said, rolling her eyes.
Rarity turned toward Spike, giving him a playful wink. "And I think this is a conversation more... 'fitting' in private, as much as I love you, Spike."
With a deep sigh and a huff of smoke escaping from the end of Spike's muzzle he sat himself up on the kitchen counter, kicking his legs. "Sheesh, why do you all treat me like I'm a kid?"
"You are one," Twilight said with a smirk building up around the corner of her muzzle. Deciding to let out a bit more evilness - and stress - she enveloped Spike in a whirl of her magic, teleporting him directly in front of her. She was content to listen to the gentle cry of protest he made. It made the repressed darker sides of her happy to be momentary appeased.
Sadistically teasing my younger brother and making his life a bit of Tartarus for my own amusement? She both mentally and physically smiled. I should get that part of me checked out, but at least he doesn't have to go to public school. I couldn't torture him that much.
You know we enjoy torturing him from time to time, her brain responded.
I will never deny that.
She leaned done to give Spike a kiss on the forehead, watching him sputter and fluster incoherently.
"Did you have to do that in front of Rarity!?" he bawked.
"Oh I find it adorable," Rarity hummed, stroking his head spines. "If you think for one moment that it makes me think lower of you, Spike, you are being quite the silly little dragon."
"But I don't want to be silly! I want to be sexy. Like you, Rarity!"
Ruby flushed across Rarity's cheeks at the unexpected and slightly unwelcome compliment. She opened her mouth to comment, only to be interrupted by Twilight.
"And that's why, Spike, this is a private conversation. And we're going to talk about that word tomorrow."
"It's not like it's anything compared to what Rainbow or Applejack say all the time," Spike mumbled, folding his arms across his chest. "I hear them too you know."
"Well it seems we may need to have a talk with them about what words they can and can not use in public." Rarity coughed, composing herself. "Just because they are... 'adults', Spike, doesn't mean that they can say what they do and it is right."
Twilight nodded at Rarity. "Exactly. They can be a bit... much sometimes."
He gulped down a chug of milk with a dismissive wave of his claws. "I just want to be like those colts in the Playmares you have under your bed, Twilight. You know, get all the ladies like they do. And speaking of that... why do you put them there? They smell funny from being under there, and are kind of ripped."
"Oh horseapples we have to meet the girls soon, don't we, Rarity?" Twilight's face had turned cerise, matching the red on Rarity's.
"Oh drat we do!" Rarity gasped. "We need to get out of here before we are late!"
"I promise to bring back ice cream for you, Spike-ahh a snake!"
With a cracking hum of burning red magic, Twilight and Rarity disappeared, leaving a faintly scorched floor behind where they once stood.
Spike simply sat there. Slowly blinking in confusion. He attempted to compute what had just happened, and he had come up blank.
"I wonder why you are so nervous about those magazines?" He stroked his chin. "It's just naked ponies with really good anatomy."
He mumbled only to himself, wishing he had another target to vent his world ending woes. "And thanks for the burned-"
"You want me to go to the club and get laid!?" Twilight's screaming shout rattled not rattleable objects.
Rarity yelped. "I never said that I was-"
"Oh," Spike growled, "so she gets to dance and lay on soft pillows after dancing, and eat food, and she's complaining about it!? It better be good ice cream."
Twilight seriously needs to keep better track of those playmare magazines. She's ruining Spike's innocence.
And of course it's intresting that she's the one who thinks she's fat, you think that's something that Rarity would say.
oh the antics and possibilities mabe you should make a alternate chapter for each cannon chapter you write
I'm sure some would think Spike is saying this in naivety,but I like to think this is a, try to embarrass me in front of Rarity, revenge comment.
Very amusing, and I love how Rarity and Spike seem to be playing at each other. It's a lot like the show, but more mature, as there age upgrade should make it. Come on, Sparity!
2883160 Considering Spike's comments, jokes, how he used his sarcasm, and that sentence Twilight didn't finish that appeared like it was going to be that he wasn't that young, (he's only a few years younger than Twi after all) I think Spike's innocence has long since run it's course.
2883399 Spike is a witty lovable bastard.
Ponies and booze! YAY!
2883417 He really is. He didn't even hold back, and he used some cheap shots at the perfect time.
2883524 Gotta love him.
- Yeah, very laughter. Please, chapter two, now.
why? WHY?
And to think folks, the vulgarities only get much, much worse. Take our favorite cyanasus with the chromatic mane. Now give her a few albums of Offspring, and maybe a pinch of Disturbed. Now take her fluffy G approved personality... and go R rated.
Rainbow Dash is not approved for children. Strong language, sexual themes and violence may be disturbing imagery for younger audiences. Have you all ever noticed the Rainbow Dash background on this site sorta has a half 'I'm stalking you' Rainbow face? If vulgar language offends you, turn back next chapter. But then again when did alcohol ever turn someone into a sweet little angel?
2883286 Already done. I'm doing it Game of Thrones style. Every chapter rotates the mane cast - and a pinch of the oh so not unbiased narrator. Doesn't mean solo, but it means you'll get two-three thousand words with a bit of their head, depending on how much is going on.
2883379 I'm playing the cast at around 20ish, and would put Spike at this point at 12-13. I was an ass at that age too. I always was.
aww man now i'm really hoping spike gets some love.
2884664 I can't breathe... I can't... breathe!
2884492 Where do people get 7 to 8 years or even more for their age difference? Twilight was entering Celestia's School for Gifted unicorns which has a magic kindergarten and considering Twilight's adeptness at magic, I'd say that's where she started at 4-6, and A.J. tells the CMC she was younger than them when she got her Cutie Mark. 9-10 year olds don't act like Spike does on the show, and you're definitely playing him closer to a 14-17 personality level here.
P.S. I know 20+ year old guys that can be bribed with ice cream.
2884734 True that brother. Does it matter? I guess you could say I'm writing this as post Season 3 minus the finale and R rated. Why? Why not.
Exactly. I see them all within two years of each other, with Twilight being the youngest.
It's a good thing it's eighteen is the legal drinking age. Or not.
Nor do I go with them using real horse years. That's silly.
Ah! I've been looking forward to this! Glad to see that your story is getting the attention it deserves in such a short amount of time! Can't wait to see more of the chapters get put up, and the popularity shoot through the roof!
Glad so many others approve of your awesome writing style. It has me totally hooked.
2884867 Depends on the country, Germany's 16 and most of Canada is 18 and a lot of Europe is 18.
I bring it up because Spike is a character tag, which if this is all there's going to be on Spike he shouldn't be. On the assumption he's going to be talked about at the bar, making the tag correct, I'd like to not see him side-stepped as a child. You got this great teenage dialogue for him, he's getting to Rarity and making her turn just the most becoming shade of red, Twilight wants his opinion of her flank, and he's staying up late at night to watch the library and most likely most of the morning as Twi get's over her hangover, so I'd really rather not see this line, "Spike's too young to- understand, date, help, etc." I mean, sure too young to drink, but that's completely different than being treated as a child.
Plus, almost every commenter is a Spike person so far
2884944 Tis only Chapter One! Just like the Romance isn't in yet. It will come my friend~
2884983 Indeed, but when you see him as being 12-13 in the story, reasons to worry from past experiences are high. Because seriously, you have a great lead in here. I would just really like to not see what happened near the end of Light, Camera... where Spike goes from having a number of great scenes surrounding him and Rarity for it to end with, "You're just too young for me."
There's still a dent in my desk from where my head hit...
it's time for sparity!
Please be aware that I only nit-pick the stories that I enjoy.
Thus:
So it doesn't actually exist? I think you might mean mystical.
There's no water in that chai? No wonder it's thick! I think you mean draught.
No, you're Twilight. Should be "Am I fat, Rarity?"
Now, onward to the next chapter I go!
Oh, oh my Twilight you naughty little mare you. Love it so far and I can't wait to see what's next.
Yours Truly Thecakedevil.
Great first chapter. Loved the characterization, though the writing was a little rough. Only one nit I felt the need to pick.
[Inigo Montoya]I don' think that means what you think it means[/Inigo Montoya]
I suspect you meant glared, unless the fic is going in a different direction than I thought regarding Spike and Rarity.
HAHAHHAHHA Sweet Mother of Celestia!
This is bloody amazing!
2889743 Now the question is... now that I've submitted it, how in the hay do I edit it and keep it edited? I have no idea!
My sides! xD Spike you magnificently innocent bastard!
2892332
Innocent?
Considering his character, I think he's saying this stuff on purpose to embarrass Twilight.
this is too good one chapter was good enough for my thumbs up friend
2892612 i think it's more of both sides, considering he misunderstood the meaning of "get laid" as laying on pillows.
I've only read the first chapter so far, but my god am I blown away. All the upvotes, my friend.
This was kind of confusing.
I don't understand porn for ponies. Seriously. Ponies are already technically naked. So yeah. Makes no sense. AND WHY IS IT THAT HAS THEM?! ISNT SHE CLASSY AN' SHIT?!? SHE'S THE LAST PONY I WOULD EXPECT TO HAVE STUFF LIKE THAT!
She hatched his egg, I think she's more like a mother than a sister
Alright, this is one heck of a prologue if I've ever seen one. Definitely won me over with the comedy
This is quite humorous....
Seriously, they are about to go out and get completely blitzed, and Twilight is concerned about her weight... I kinda thought there would be more quips w/Spike talking about Twilight's size, I mean he rides her all the time, so he would know first hand whether there is more junk in the flanks than it used to be. (not saying that's not a good thing )
and seriously, stop with the "spike is a kid" persona, I think Spike is at least 16. I swear, I don't downvote anyone or anything, but damn treating Spike as a kid really tweaks my truck when that happens.
Ey there Key. Delivering as per PM
I know you just rewrote this so I really hope these comments aren't disheartening. Given that almost all of them are super trite and are tiny mechanical things it doesn't even really matter if you go back and fix them or not, but you could keep some of them in mind when you write in the future if you wanted to!!
>Her lungs inhaled and exhaled in the manner Cadance had taught her.
This is passive voice yo.
>The simple ritual of making the substance was a way to calm her thoughts and for once, not process information to the point of exhaustion.
and, for once, not process information...
>I was once one eighty seven before I came here, and now I’m around two o’ two!
I feel that 'once' is a bit redundant because you go on to specify 'before I came here'.
>“Damn it,” she cursed, despite her best intentions not too.
Don't think you need the dialogue tag (or the followup describing her intentions, considering there's little context describing why she wouldn't curse aside from that she doesn't like to)
Alternatively if you're one of those people who have dialogue tags places because it just wouldn't read right without them you could describe the way she says it rather than repeating that she cursed :< (oh god i hope these comments aren't too nitpicky)
>but the thought of being above average in weight simply was not an acceptable outcome.
"the thought... was not an acceptable outcome."
Couldn't it just be "the thought of weighing slightly above average was unacceptable"
>Her horn flared sharply around the thermos, her mind pulling back the tickling urge to crush the metal into a ball and throw it through her fridge.
Since you already said "her" you can just go on and say "thermos, mind pulling back the tickling urge to crush the metal..."
Also this is passive voice again
>Don't make me go Rainbow Dash on you, Twilight replied to her inner voice, because I will, and neither of us will like it.
It will only give you a headache, lose brain cells, and-
"Twilight, are you... talking to yourself again in the manner you do?" Rarity sang wistfully. It was best she assumed her friend's insanity was relatively mild. For her own sake.
That was a giggle. I love nuerotic Twilight. Also, 3rd omniscient I guess since you jump to Rarity's thoughts (which is fine and dandy)
>The purple unicorn jumped at the voice calling from behind her front door.
Lavendar Unicorn Syndrome yo
(if you're unfamiliar it's generally unnecessary to refer to your characters by their discriptors, but it's one of those mechanical things that bothers some people and not others and it doesn't bother me just the semi-sane proofreader within me...)
>the purple unicorn was considered a near expert in the subject.
Unless you do it a bunch. Two times isn't really a bunch but they are close together.
>The library door slowly opened to let in the humming, blue eyed mare announcing her presence with every trot of her hooves on the wooden floor.
>blue eyed mare
Also, "announcing" sounds like it's wrong to me. Perhaps "who announced her presence with the trot of her hooves on the wooden floor"?
>Rarity leaned forward to give the fellow unicorn a soft hug, pecking her on the cheek with her lips.
Though I totally see how hug + kiss could be the same action, it still tripped me up a bit because it wasn't "and pecked her on the cheek..."
Maybe I'm just insane
>Spike stopped at the last step, the panic that was spreading over his face only half hidden, as was Twilight's own slightly dark smile. "Y-y-you're joking right? I thought it just woke you up! Is that-"
I'm giggling like a fucking monster right now. Thank you.
>Spike walked toward the kitchen, peaking over to look between the flanks of the two unicorns. "Well I can do my best, Twilight, and you always know that I'm here to help you in any way I can."
[giggling intensifies]
but "peeking"
>Tears welled up in the corners of Twilight's eyes, adding a gleaming edge to the amethyst orbs.
this sounds really off tone and purple prosey
Didn't do the rest really on account of eating while reading but nothing was flagrantly sticking out.
3119783 Why would they be? People need to toughen up a bit and nothing you've said so far hurts me in the least. The one person who did was went they said it was borderline unreadable. Pretty sure it isn't, but that was the old version. Even then, it was perfectly readable. That's pretty much the line there, but anything short of insulting me, I'm pretty much good to go.
I put 'despite her best intentions not to curse' to imply that considering she usually has her tongue in toe, the anger got to the point she lost it. It was done on purpose there. And I usually don't do dialogue tags like that. Often.
'but the thought/outcome ' <- I purposely constructed that sentence to sound formal and scientific from her perspective. While this story is a screaming example of the unreliable narrator, I do want a flash of the character to come through the narration.
I might have a bit of a problem with passive voices. You might need to point those out to me! I don't notice it, nor maybe know exactly what I am looking for.
Twilight arguing with herself to the Rarity transition was also purposely done. Shows her zoning out Rarity. Don't worry, most of the cast argues with themselves throughout this story.
The color choice was a clarification that it was her, not Rarity. OCD sure you know it's her. Maybe I'm like Twilight. I am. Oh well. I have a nice, squeezeable butt. Dat purple flank.
Who announced it is!
You are insane for not being able to hug and kiss at the same time.
I hope you enjoy my humor, even as it gets more vulgar. When you make the cast R rated... Rainbow Dash. All I'm going to say-OH YOU DID CHAPTER TWO.
The purple was done a bit on there. I hope you don't mind chapter 18. Cause... that's... yo mare, I heard you like purple.
You've become so socially adapt though dear,
Not sure if this was there in my first (pre-rewrite) readthrough, but of course the word is "adept".
Lol-ing the whole read. Wonderful!
Is that a John Ringo reference I see? Nice.
I don't know why you were worried. This is fantastic so far.
3290299 Because Twilight OCD.
I just wish I was as cute as her.
Ok, read the first chapter and gotta said not bad at all especially if it involves alcohol and stuff lol. So I'm going to read some more to see how it goes.
I may have found an error with your word choice here:
I feel like this should be have, instead of of.
Were you trying to say that Rarity's curves are like the most amazing diamonds ever? I would consider revising this sentence to increase it's readability.
I think this should be an excellent taste in beauty.
The last bit after the comma is oddly phrased, and I would suggest you revise it to make it easier to read.
This bit is unnecessarily wordy.
The phrasing of his sentence should change because you're talking about plural things.
Less would be a better word to use here.
Okay so I honestly don't remember my first read through of this story that well. However, I don't believe that there were this many errors then. I understand that you were trying to make improvements to this story, but I believe that you've made it incredibly wordy, almost unnecessarily so. You've added a lot of overly descriptive words that detract from the overall readability of this story. I feel like you've lost a lot of the incredible flow that you had when you first wrote this story. You've bogged it down with wordy descriptions of exactly how the characters physically react to each other and lost the casual intimacy in the writing style of the first version of this story. If you'd like me to reread the whole thing and give you some more pointers let me know.
IT'S A TRAP!!!
4175758
Oh my gosh you are really reading my story. Eeeeeeeee...I do have more stuff in the pipeline. Including a very naughty Rare/Dash I am working on as we speak...
4176022 Am I actually worth that level of enthusiasm? You have 4x my followers...
I'm reading the second chapter now. Gonna take a while to get through all nearly 150k words though.
Edit//And do tell?
4176257 You are. You've been very nice to me, and it's the least I can do for you.
I don't deserve half of those followers, and onto a few of them are active. I'd have twice that amount if I got off my ass and wasn't so afraid to write, and yet here I am, having a full novel that I love. I got issues. Hence drugs.
Oh I'm not sure if I want to post part one in the next two days solo or wait till two out of four are done. But it's something we need. Badly.
And I need to show my fans I'm still alive.
http://i.imgur.com/mfNUZlp.gif
Did an animation for the first few paragraphs. Is this someone more would be interested in seeing?