• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,188 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

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Chapter Seventeen: Emergency Erotic Exits

Invictus had seen many things in its long and active life. It remembered jazz; it was there for rock ‘n roll; it was at the center of disco, and now it was the host of trance, and whatever current slammings were considered music in the modern day and age. It had even seen D.D.R contests, and drunken ones with mares duking it out for sexual fun at the end of the night.

What it hadn't seen, was Rarity and Rainbow Dash.

Normally, either of them entering a place was usually a good thing for business or publicity. Or they could cause massive amounts of collateral damage due to some unfortunate event following them in their hoofsteps. Knowing their current track record for the day it was most likely going to include a bit of both.

What had originally been the Elements of Harmony going out for a night of fun had turned into nearly the entire club gathering to see Rainbow and Rarity duel each other in a dance off. It could have been a sing off, but that was not nearly as interesting or dramatic. Dramatic encapsulated who Rainbow and Rarity were. For better and worse.

Hundreds of ponies gathered around the center of the club, arcade machines and gambling tables pushed aside to place the dancing pads smack in the middle of the establishment. Alcohol and snacks were being served left and right for the impending storm. There was nothing wrong with the club using the semi-famous mares for profit, was there? Covering themselves in case Rarity and Rainbow decided to burn the club down in fisticuffs was a solid back up plan.

The stage, ceiling, and dance lights had all been focused on the two pulsating video game platforms that were empty, eagerly awaiting for the arrival of their occupants who were refreshing themselves within the limits that a moderate buzz would allow. If they were going to be dancing to the death half drunk it was better to do it while they still presented a semi-decent image of themselves.

As the crowd of ponies eagerly awaited the free entertainment they were about to receive, Twilight and Applejack had given up on pondering to themselves on how all of this had happened. They simply stood next to the stage, preparing for the worst. And that included Twilight blowing up the club and committing mass genocide to solve all of her problems, including her sanity.

Thankfully, she found Applejack's coat to be enjoyable and very coatish, and so her hidden violent tendencies were sedated by horse fur.

She shook her snout gently from side to side, which inadvertently resulted in a half nuzzle into Applejack's neck. “Celestia is going to find out about all of this. Younger me would say she’s going to say I shouldn’t be her student anymore, but...”

Applejack quickly responded. “Listen, Twi’: You seriously need to stop bein’ so worried about what she thinks about every life choice you make. She’s kinda busy runnin’ a nation of tens of millions of ponies ‘n other creatures. Hay, I’m sure she pushed you out of Canterlot so ya could experience things. Yer're twenty years old now. She’s not in the ceiling watchin’ you clop or somethin’.”

Twilight looked up at Applejack. “First: Equestria is a constitutional representative diarchy. Luna and Celestia control the armed forces during conflict, have limited veto powers, and are used as centuries old advisers on... well... pretty much anything and everything. Second-oww! Don’t bonk me on the nose, I’m not a dog!”

“Even half drunk ya go overboard on subjects like dynamite to a door jam.” Applejack chuckled, ruffling messily through Twilight's mane. "I swear ya got somethin’ else other than OCD up in that head of yours.”

“An incoming hangover and headache at watching two of my best friends about to make idiots of themselves," Twilight mumbled. "In addition to what has happened already today from all of us. Yep. I can feel both the hangover and the headache already. Absolutely positive I can feel both right now. There's only so many ups and downs I can take mentally in one day."

Applejack scratched at Twilight's chest gently. "Just cause you 'n I did the least amount of dumb shit - if I may be Prench - doesn't mean we didn't do any dumb shit at all."

"You did kiss Rainbow three times today," Twilight snorted quietly.

"I-I-I might have a few feelings for her I didn't realize! The stress and alcohol didn't help. We're just so alike 'n so many ways. D-don't you turn this around on me when ya didn't do as much as I did."

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Applejack. "Isn't... that the point? If you've done more than I have today. And are you... stuttering, Applejack? That's rare from you."

"Don't you smirk at me like that!" Applejack snorted at Twilight, her ears wilting by the sides of her muzzle as Twilight's grin grew. "D-don't you grin at me, missy!"

"This might be worth the headache and the hangover," Twilight rumbled, fluttering her eyelashes at Applejack. "Seeing you stuttering and submissive? What would Rainbow say?"

"Shut it, Twilight," Applejack whimpered. "Shut-"

"Oh no," Twilight purred darkly, "I'm going to enjoy teasing you as much as I can, and that whimper absolutely proved my point. This is so fun to do, now that I know I can do it pretty well, if I may say so myself. Have you ever seen yourself blush, Applejack? Seeing a tough mare like you blush is just... wow! It's adorable! I never thought you could be adorable, but seeing how red you are now? And how you're cowering a bit? It-"

If Twilight had wings - or knew in the future that she'd be getting them - they would have sprung beside her frame at the sudden kiss Applejack gave her. Considering that both she and Applejack had suddenly kissed a pony twice that day she really couldn't blame her for doing it.

Not that her currently inebriated mind cared too much that her date had inserted her tongue twice into Rainbow's mouth, or that it had inserted itself into her own.

Twilight tilted her muzzle into the passionate kiss that Applejack aptly used to shut her up, silently proud of her for learning the very useful technique of making out with a friend in order to stop them from saying something stupid. Her tail flicked through Applejack's own while her tongue lapped playfully at the thick member that had decided to dangle inside of her muzzle. She felt her ears perk up in excitement at the passion, standing up on the tips of her hooves in an unexplained glee that filled her heart as she enjoyed a casual and random lip suckle.

When the kiss broke it was very clear that several ponies were staring at her and Applejack, even though their kiss had not reached anywhere near the ferocity of the previous ones her other four friends had made. She licked her lips of the faint drizzle of Applejack's saliva melting on her tongue, her eyes slowly opening up to scan the crowd around her.

A mob would have been a more accurate word with how many ponies had begun to fill in around the center of the room, and thankfully she and Applejack were at the inner edge of that mob, only surrounded on three sides instead of all four. It didn't make her own blushing at realizing she had spent some time inside of Applejack's mouth any smaller, nor from preventing her own meeker side from expressing itself by the way her ears folded as she shyly pressed her snout into Applejack's neck.

She was used to this.

The being at the center of attention during a moment of crisis part. Not the being caught making out with a best friend half drunk at a club part.

She would never get used to what world altering and socially awkward events she was dragged into both willingly and unwillingly.

It was reasons like today why she never left her house most of the time.

"So was this just another modus operandi for us?" Twilight chuckled, scoffing at the floor. "Just at a larger and more intimate scale than I wanted it to be?"

"Ahh hay, don't give me your Neightin crap right now, Twilight." Applejack snorted, rolling her eyes. "It worked, didn't it? Who's blushin' now?"

"Both of us," Twilight smiled. "And I could just start swearing every other sentence like you and Rainbow do when you're drunk. Or... period really."

"Ya have been swearin' a bunch."

"Well today has shown me that swearing is... useful, fun, and relieves stress." Twilight closed her eyes contently. "I should try it more, but don't expect me to start swearing like Rarity when she's drunk, or when she's wanting to kill Rainbow Dash. Both of us do have very erudite ways to tell a pony to cram it."

Applejack ruffled Twilight's mane roughly, only to receive a thrum of magic messing up her own mane in return. "I try to keep it down in public-"

"Try being the key word-"

"-and do it none around foals. But us Fruits alone? Girl, us farmers' can churn up a storm."

Twilight nickered out a laugh. "And the Royal Guards? They swear more than you think. They are the military after all. The same is true with university students. I guess I've just been around the Princess so long that I've been scared to death to say anything vulgar. And... well... I like the way I talk without having to result to vulgarities."

"Aww, Twi', notice how much of a kick Rarity has when she lets one loose? Yer're the same way. Just cause yer're smart doesn't mean that ya can't curse, ya silly filly."

"You're so right," Twilight said, slapping Applejack's rump with her tail. "Thanks for the support, Applejack. Rainbow was right: We are alike in a lot of ways. Just don't expect me to even come close to matching you or Rainbow when it comes to swearing."

"As long as ya don't mind me when the fluglehorn calls for it." Applejack winked.

Twilight looked up at Applejack. "Does sex usually read to things like today? Because it seems to be that it always does, or is it just us? I always thought that it could be... well... more normal sometimes."

Applejack broke out into a loud cackle, wrapping a forehoof tightly around Twilight's side. “Jeez, girl, you are absolutely adorable when ya are curious 'n shy like that.” Twilight blushed furiously at the compliment. “Ain't revenge sweet?"

"No comment," Twilight grumbled.

"And usually? Pretty much, but not as bad as we do it. As ya said, we tend to go over a barrel half the time, don’t we?” Applejack shrugged. “I’m turnin’ into you: Acceptin’ it for the sake of my sanity, and ya might as well have a bit of fun in the process. I... I just hope I’m not gonna turn into Pinks and go out lookin’ for trouble for giggles.”

“But looking is half the fun!”

Pinkie squeezed her frame between Twilight's and Applejack's, shivering to herself as her body and coat was compacted by the pressure around her. "Ohh," she moaned loudly, "I should not do that when I'm drunk and all yiffy. This feels so good."

"Please don't moan like that ever again, Pinkie." Applejack twitched. "That sounded so wrong comin' from your mouth."

"What?" Pinkie flicked an ear at Applejack. "Is it my fault Twilight has a nice coat? It's slightly curved and nice. Your's is a bit rough, Jackie, but it has this... like... 'wild mare' kinda thing going for it."

Twilight growled quietly at Pinkie Pie. "I was half cuddling-ohh... I didn't know your fur was this squishy, Pinkie."

She rubbed her muzzle deeply into Pinkie's neck, whickering contently as her tail smacked into the pony behind her. "This, feels, amazing. You're like a poodle, Pinkie Pie! You act like one most of the time too, but that's not important right now."

Applejack raised an eyebrow as Twilight continued to let out a trundle of feral pony sounds she had never heard from her lips before. Twilight ground her snout and horn into Pinkie's neck, rumbling deeply in contentment.

"Mmm. Is this what a horn rubbing stand feels like?" Several sparks of magic flickered off of her horn as she smeared it across Pinkie's skin. "I'm so getting one after tonight."

Pinkie chuckled dryly, a shy smile darting across her muzzle. “Hey, Applejack?” She rubbed her teeth together nervously, cherry quickly forming solid lines across her cheeks. "I know I never say this, but this is kinda... awkward. I'm not used to a pony grinding into me like this, and... uhh..."

“It’s okay, Pinks.” Applejack stroked through Pinkie's smooth and curled mane softly. “It’s kinda how you make us feel sometimes with what ya do 'n say, but Rainbow does that too. I just think the alcohol’s gettin’ to her, since she doesn't drink like the rest of us. And the stress. Just scoot over; I got her tonight.”

“I... I make you all feel this awkward?” Pinkie pulled herself back from Twilight, her ears folding beside her muzzle. "Oh no, I-"

Applejack cursed under her lips, the expression on Pinkie's face growing more dire. “I didn’t mean it like that, so don't you cry on me, missy. Sometimes ya do things that make us feel a bit uneasy, and maybe that’s somethin’ to work on, girl, but most of the time you make us giggle, roll our eyes at your silliness, or livin’ up the place. We love ya, Pinks, and you should just be yourself an’ learn when ya just go a bit overboard. 'Sides, ya see what I'm like plastered on the wall, and it ain't like all of us aren't a bit nuts up in our heads."

Pinkie giggled quietly, nodding her muzzle.

Applejack smiled. "Yer're so damn sweet, and we know ya mean the best, Pinkie. Always. You make us laugh at life. Somethin' that a lot of ponies just need to learn to do.”

What shocked Applejack the most was the deep, stress relieving sigh that Pinkie let out of her muzzle. It wasn't a cartoony, comical sigh like she normally did; it was one of a massive burden leaving her heart, and the honest peace in her eyes was for a lack of a better word, beautiful.

“Thank you, Applejack," Pinkie said. "It’s been something I’ve been struggling with for... well... years. I'm always worried you all just put up with me.”

Applejack laughed deeply. “Oh Tartarus, girl, Dasha an' I have about a twenty second policy to ponies who are real pricks, and Rarity and Twilight aren’t far behind. Yer're just silly ninety nine percent of the time. Just gotta learn when ya cross the line and pull back when it's too much. We love ya, girl, and always will.”

Tears welled up in the corners of Pinkie’s eyes as she leaped forward to press her muzzle into Applejack’s, tilting her snout to the side to give Applejack a deep, quick kiss in delight. Her tail wagged happily behind herself once the kiss broke, euphoria emanating from Pinkie's blue eyes.

“I love you girls so much,” Pinkie sniffled, wiping away her tears. “This is only like... thirty three point six six percent of the alcohol talking. You have no idea how much that means to me, Applejack. I owe you a billion times over for taking the biggest problem in my life and just bucking it to Neverland!"

"I think ya need to calm your horses a bit, Pinkie." Applejack swallowed down the mixed taste of Pinkie's and Twilight's saliva hanging on her tongue, unclear if she wished to never taste both of them again or go for double dippings. "Ya can get a bit moody drunk I think."

"Oh I just can’t even describe how much happier I feel. I think the evil side of me is like... dying in an evil scream of doomy-”

“You see?” Twilight purred, “this is why AJ’s my second-in-command."

She lifted her muzzle up from Applejack's coat, her mane in slight disarray from rubbing into both Applejack's and Pinkie's sides. "She can pull a me when the time calls for it, lead from the front, and teach lessons when I’m not around. I love you too, Pinkie Pie, and your amazing coat. So this is why you’ll be the morale officer-”

Pinkie backhoof slapped Twilight across the cheek and into Applejack’s side, Applejack digging her hooves into the ground to keep herself from falling over from the impact.

Pinkie stood in silence, shaking her forehoof rapidly to dull the faint throbbing. “Wow," she whispered, "controlled violence is kind of enjoyable! I never knew how fun it could be!”

“Ya see?” Applejack chuckled. “Part of the fun of applebuckin’. So I think when she talks about... that, we should just slap her like ya would a big dog who drops a load on yer floor. Train her to stop.”

“Good plan!” Pinkie chirped, bouncing in the air. “I think we’ve made kind of a big scene with that, so maybe-”

Mares and Gentlecolts, we have something special for you tonight.

“Oh don’t worry about it.” Applejack tilted her head toward the stage. “Ya think those two would not strut like those really brightly colored birds Fluttershy has?”

“Le gasp!” Pinkie said. “Fluttershy! I’ll go make sure she makes out with me so that she doesn't feel bad about not having Twilight and that we both can let off a bunch of steam. It's time to completely rule the conversation and woo her to me. I never knew I could be so... cunning.”

Pinkie purred, galloping off to half tackle herself into whatever conversation Fluttershy was having with the ponies around her.

Applejack simply shook her muzzle, glancing down at the incoherent Twilight leaning into her. "What does alcohol do to us?"

Normally, such foxy fillies don’t catch our attention in this manner with a catfight, but after we learned who they were, how could we turn this gala down?

She huffed to herself in amusement. “It’ll be better than the Gala. I know that. Only thing that saved that was the after party.”

Twilight pulled herself off from Applejack’s side, rubbing her cheek. “Did... did I just collapse again?” Her bloodshot and out of focus eyes slowly looked up at Applejack.

“Yeah, Twi,” Applejack nodded. “You kinda did. Those were some mighty big ales you were drinkin’.”

What are the chances that the Elements of Harmony came out looking for a darker night on the town? What are the chances two of them - or should we say all six of them - are battling it out for each others... Element?

“Celestia’s breasts I think I have a real migraine now,” Twilight slurred. “Oww. Migraine. And drunk. And I'm horny. And... why am-"

She froze. "I... rubbed my horn into Pinkie Pie’s coat didn’t I?”

Applejack nodded slowly. "Ya did, and should ya really be talkin' about the Princess'... erm... crotch region? I'm not exactly chipper on that image in my mind right now, Twilight. Or... ever, really."

Twilight blushed profusely, shuffling in place. "Y-y-yeah... good point, Applejack, but it's kind of all I can think about right now, other than the burning white light in my head. As much fun as it would be to watch Rainbow and Rarity make idiots of themselves... again... I don't think I'm coherent enough to watch it without vomiting on the floor from the strobe lights."

"Aww dang it," Applejack pouted. "I wanted to see that, and now ya gotta take that away from me? Can't ya just pass out on my side, Twilight, and I can laugh at what's about to happen? I'd appreciate that."

"I’m not exactly up for letting my scent get noticed by the ponies around me from me rubbing my horn into Pinkie's neck. Which... yep. There it is. Horn stimulation.”

“W-w-well,” Applejack began, her cheeks quickly turning red in return, “I think-”

The spotlights swiveled toward Applejack and Twilight, blinding them in a bombardment of light. “And it seems these two mares either have the hots for each other, or one of our contestants is about to have a long, sweaty night with one of or both of these fine fillies.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Twilight hissed, shoving a forehoof into Applejack's muzzle. “We’re getting out of here, if you like it or not, and I know exactly how.”

“But I was complimentin’-”

Twilight closed her eyes quickly, red lightning coiling and sparkling from her horn. “All I have to do-oww! Is teleport us to one of the private rooms, focus on what the relative size of the room should be-”

“Castin’ that drunk, and slightly high, and with a headache!?” Applejack panicked.

So how about we introduce these two duelists, or should we let their flanks introduce themselves?

“-shunt my cerebral cortex,” Twilight gritted between her teeth. Static electricity slithered around her horn and frame, faint pulses of air wiggling over her coat.

Applejack opened her muzzle. “We could walk-”

“Not fast enough,” Twilight countered, grinning to herself. “I think I can do this.”

Think?!” Applejack yelled, indifferent to the dozens of ponies now staring at the two mares. “We could die!

“And that,” Twilight said, lightning crackling around her coat, “is half the fun.”

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