• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 10,184 Views, 1,161 Comments

Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen - KiltedKey



What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

  • ...
74
 1,161
 10,184

Epic... Epilogue? Part One: One Chance To Stay Alive

Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: She was going to be very, very angry this morning, and at least one of her friends were going to be at the cannonade of that anger.

Rainbow Dash and Rarity happened to have been in her sights.

She was hungover. She was horny. She was hungry. Her lovely mane had been sent astray by what she barely remembered the night before. Her horn thrummed and had half the urge to break away from her spinal system to numb itself. And so she broke down the lock connecting her room to Rarity's and Rainbow's to sedate her horn's secessionist leanings through destruction.

But much like everything that had happened to her in the last day and a half, nothing was fully satisfying for her mind and body.

She'd fix that. Once, and for all.

"I'm glad you two are enjoying each other this morning."

She stood in the middle of the doorway connecting her suite to Rarity's and Rainbow's, and was sadly rewarded with the satisfaction of their shock for only a second. The image of their faces caught in the middle of a kissing session was priceless, but fading.

Rarity quickly fixed that, as she was apt to do.

She screamed like she had seen a ghost, flailing off of the bed with a cry of agony as she landed onto the floor, weeping in hysterics. The dark joy Twilight received from seeing her friend act much like she always did was one she could now relate to with any demonic forces who sought to abuse Rarity's damsel-in-distress complex. It was a gin so sweet on Twilight's tongue.

Rainbow, unexpectedly, gagged in disgust. It wasn't the massive splatter of Rarity's saliva that forced her to shut her right eye and stick out her tongue, but what was between her legs.

"Rarity just friggin squirted a huge jet of pee on me!"

Twilight's arousal at channeling her inner dark side was crushed by Rainbow Dash's comment, as it was so apt to be time and time again at every sentence Rainbow said that made the psychopath in the back of Twilight's mind plead to choke her until she passed out.

She was not amused.

"We get it, Rainbow," Twilight snarled, snapping her jaws. "You like watersports. And knowing you, you were most likely the urinal at the Cloudsdale coliseum that day you don't want to talk about."

Rainbow squeaked. "No! She isn't into that-"

"-you're not saying no to my statement about yourself-"

"-and she-"

"I have to go to the bathroom!" Rarity cried loudly, galloping into the bathroom faster than she had ever moved in her entire life.

Anger. It was all that was registered on Rainbow's snout as she looked at Twilight, and it caught her faintly by surprise in its veracity.

She rolled out of the bed, her wings spreading behind herself to not only their full plume, but with her feathers splayed as widely as they could go, puffing out her wings and coat to increase her size dramatically. Her eyes were glowing red slits of the setting sun as she trotted slowly toward Twilight, ejecting a deep hiss of air from her flaring nostrils.

"I know I'm not the nicest girl around," Rainbow said coldly, "but you know I'm teasing a lot, and I'd never do something like you just did to you guys, ever."

"Today is different, Rainbow Dash," Twilight growled, her tail lashing against the door. "Today is very, very different than yesterday."

"It's weird since you are one of the smartest, nicest, coolest, most awesome ponies I know, Twilight, that you're acting like this; so I'm just gonna ask you one thing, Twi'."

She dug her forehooves deeply into Twilight's chest. "What the flying fuck is crammed up your vagina this morning, Twilight? Ever heard of knocking?"

Twilight didn't flinch. She looked down at Rainbow with her violent eyes, indifferent to her aggression. "Nothing, Rainbow. And that's the problem. There's nothing up my vagina or something knocking into me. Either now, or last night, or this morning."

The anger in Rainbow's eyes melted as quickly as it came, her wings folding by her body as the light drained from her eyes. Twilight enjoyed how easily she crushed Dash's soul. "W-w-what?"

"Exactly," Twilight huffed, shoving Rainbow onto her back. She stood over her, chuckling quietly, admiring the trundling whimper that escaped from Rainbow's muzzle. "And now you can see what happens to a mare who has been driven to the edge of estrus, and you have rightfully backed down before I do something drastic. A wise decision, Rainbow Dash."

"W-what about Applejack?" Rainbow said, her forehooves curled toward her chest. "I'm so sorry. I didn't-"

"She abandoned me for Pinkie Pie in the middle of the night." Twilight shrugged casually. "I should have expected that, considering everything that had happened last night with my friends and reliability. Survey says: Twilight's not shocked!"

"I did not do that!" Applejack trotted through the doorway, turning around to glare at Twilight. "I tried to explain to ya it was Fluttershy who offered to stay with you. She was as passed out as ya were."

Twilight tilted her muzzle to the side, interested in the recently mentioned pony's existence now in front of her. The tiniest part of her mind considered sending several thousand pounds of force concentrated into a pencil thick beam of magic through Applejack's eye, but then she wouldn't have an Applejack to vent at. She liked venting. "And I started caring about your opinion on this matter... when exactly?"

Applejack stomped a hoof onto the floor. Her resistance to Twilight's sarcasm was cute. "Damn it, mare, Pinkie an' Fluttershy both told ya the same thing as I did."

"Most likely to cover for you, Applejack, as you had sex with Pinkie Pie," Twilight shrugged again. "I'm still not shocked by this."

"I did not do it, I did not have sex with Applejack, I did nooot-"

Pinkie blinked, standing in the main doorway that was conveniently open thanks to a pair of keys. "Why did I say that in a weird accent? And okay, yes, I did have sex with Applejack, but seriously, Twilight, you were completely gone. Don't-"

Twilight's ears hated the voice that cut through the air like a sword. "Shut up, Pinkie Pie!" she neighed. "I don't need to hear your whiny, high pitched, squeaky voice hungover this morning. Or at all. Ever. And even more so after you stole my ex-date from me."

"Wow." Pinkie clicked her tongue between her teeth, folding her forehooves across her chest. "So how about I say something in a more 'normal' voice?" Her voice lost all of its normal bounce, dropping into a deeper and more natural tone. "Somepony has a case of the bitchy witchies from itchy snitches today. Better? Sorry I said it my way."

"Considerably," Twilight gritted between her teeth. "Talk like that more and I might not kill you."

"Don't make her worse," Applejack whimpered, wrapping a forehoof around Pinkie's shoulders. "Please don't, Pinks. I feel so happy after what we did. Don't ruin it for me."

Rainbow turned toward Pinkie, nodding her head. "Gonna have to agree with AJ on this, even though that was totally true and was totally a me comment."

"Did I give you permission to say anything, Rainbow?" Twilight said.

"N-n-no, ma'am," Rainbow cowered. "I don't wanna make your morning worse. I-"

"Oh I will make that pudgy purple tart worse!"

Rarity shut the bathroom door behind her, throwing her unbrushed mane to the wind as she moved toward Twilight. Her eyes glowed an icy blue as she stalked toward her, meeting her gaze. "Have you forgotten about the well known technique of knocking on a damn door before you enter a bedroom, Twilight? If you didn't notice, Rainbow and I were enjoying a more intimate moment."

Pinkie blinked rapidly, a faint whistle escaping from her lips. "Rarity has something happening when she lets her mane down. If Applejack didn't ride me into the sunset last night I'd be enjoying this more. And... why do you smell slightly of pee, Rainbow?" She sat down beside her, patting her on the nose. "Rainbow Dash, I understand you really enjoy golden showers, but-"

"Have y'all noticed how much we cuss now after just one day, or is it just me?" Applejack rubbed her forehead tiredly, attempting to compute the last thirty six hours. She gave up quickly. "Cause I have, an' I'm not sure I like where that's gonna get us in the future. An' it feels like we're just doin' what we did last night all over again."

"Except it is with Twilight," Rarity growled, her muzzle inches from Twilight's own. "A mare who I have never had the urge to punch in the face before. A mare who I have always considered to be the pinnacle of excellent morality, and one who I would think would never barge into a couple being intimate."

"I'm sorry that I'm just a little peeved at all of my friends having sex with each other - but of course excluding me - and planning my sex life for who knows how long," Twilight chuckled. "I didn't know that me being angry was overreacting to that. I'll make sure to tone it down next time."

"The blowin' down their door was, Twi'," Applejack said. "Even if ya're 'n heat 'n-"

"Use two apples and Big Mac creatively, Applejack," Twilight spat.

Pinkie clopped her forehooves together, tittering to herself. "I'll take two apples and Big Mac if you don't want him. He's cute! I should ask him out."

Applejack shrugged, sitting down beside Pinkie. "I take it back; maybe Twilight's right. She sure has been through a lot, 'n I don't like thinkin' about the first time I rolled in the hay."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow at Applejack. "You've... been really iffy on taking positions recently, Applejack."

The tittering of Pinkie turned Applejack's cheeks red as she looked at Rainbow. "I don't wanna die, Rainbow. The best way to get the leader's and yer date's approval is to agree with everything they say."

"And Applejack is once again forgiven for everything she's done to me ever." Twilight looked around at her friends, a smile spreading across her lips. "See? Wasn't that easy, everypony?"

"That you've come rampaging in here demanding us to worship the ground you stand on because your date didn't work out for you?" Rarity huffed. "Are you Trixie now? Trying to steal what you didn't get yourself?"

Rainbow stood up, placing a hoof on Rarity's shoulder. "Rarity, come on, we both have anger issues-"

"Might be the biggest understatement I've ever heard," Applejack smirked.

"-so let's just-"

"Mistress is busy right now, Rainbow." Rarity flicked her tail against Dash's side. "She is speaking with her current rival, the 'Great and Powerful Twilight'."

Pinkie chewed idly on a piece of gum. "My catfight sense is tingling, and I'm rooting for Rarity. She's been the nicest to me today of you two, and that's not saying much."

Twilight grinned.

It was the kind of grin that Twilight Sparkle should never do. It was the kind of grin that could have ended the history of nations in another universe. It was the kind of grin that was made the moment an empire was overthrown. The kind of grin that a dictator made seeing their enemies at their feet, ready to be purged from the earth.

She lifted up a hoof to stroke the base of Rarity's chin, her grin growing larger at the wince that Rarity made from the contact. The anger in Rarity's eyes only added to her satisfaction.

"I will steal from you, Rarity," Twilight purred. "I'll steal Rainbow Dash from you. She's the perfect sex toy anyways."

Twilight's friends gasped in unison, pressing their snouts into their necks.

"You, will, what?" Rarity neighed. "How-"

The one pony in the room who didn't gasp was Pinkie. Her gasp had turned into a choking wheeze as she gagged on her gum, grabbing onto her neck.

"Pinkie?" Rainbow said, "You can stop. I mean wow it's-"

Pinkie shook her muzzle, her eyes watering as she squeezed her own throat.

"She's really chokin'!" Applejack galloped toward Pinkie, pressing onto her stomach. "Are you okay?"

"Does she look okay?" Rainbow wrapped her wings around Pinkie's frame. "Come on, Pinks. Get-"

"-out of the way!" Fluttershy hockey checked Rainbow into the dresser, sending her careening into the wooden surface with a groan. She wrapped her wings around Pinkie's stomach, sucking in a gulp of air. "Alright, Pinkie. One, two, three!"

As recently used to Pinkie's saliva Applejack had become, receiving a snout full of it on her muzzle in addition to a wad of bubblegum being spat directly in her mane wasn't something she'd put high on her list of enjoyable experiences.

She had to admit it was better than her friend dying, or her face getting puked on, or Twilight killing her. "Where in the hay did you come from, Fluttershy?" Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Ya just... appeared!"

"I'm very quiet," Fluttershy said, the nubs of her wings massaging Pinkie's sides. "Except... when I'm not."

Rarity laid down beside Pinkie, stroking through her mane affectionately. "Are you alright, Pinkie? You poor dear. I never knew something could do that to you. Not that... I'm implying anything about your ability to swallow without choking."

She turned quickly toward Rainbow, her eyes glowing brightly. "And no comment from you! I know you were about to say something."

Rainbow whined loudly, her frame lazily spread on the floor from her recent forte into wood. "Oww. That's my comment. Oww. I forgot how strong Fluttershy could be."

Pinkie had been blessed with life once more, tears dripping down her muzzle as her breathing returned to normal. "Bathroom. I need to puke. Like... now. Sorry I can't make that sound very happy."

Rarity tilted her muzzle toward the bathroom. "It's alright, sweetie. It... erm... might not smell the best currently though."

"That's not important," Pinkie coughed, pulling herself up onto her hooves. "I'm just... I'll be alright."

"I won't be alright," Twilight mumbled. "When I think about it, autoerotic asphyxiation sounds wonderful right now."

The bedroom was silent.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other, their eyes having a silent conversation. Fluttershy and Rarity exchanged worrying glances, slowly turning to look at Twilight to confirm they had heard what they had just heard.

Except for Pinkie Pie. Her stomach purge in the bathroom was more important than the fisticuffs erupting around her.

"How could you turn Pinkie's words into such a sick comment about your sex drive?" Rarity said quietly. She stood up, trotting slowly toward Twilight. "Have you gone mad, mare?"

Twilight scoffed deeply into the floor. "Because I am that horny. To the point I'd say that and half mean it, and it's thanks to all of you. If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly thinking like myself right now."

She paced around in a circle, her eyes briefly glancing at each of her friends as she passed. "I'm doing everything I can to not blow this building up or murder somepony, so excuse me while I try to show some leadership in action."

Rarity shook her muzzle. "But that's a line that even Rainbow Dash would not cross, Twilight."

Applejack averted her gaze. "Ya-ya know... I think Dasha would with enough-"

"Oh bugger off, Applejack." Rarity snorted, her nostrils flaring. "I was trying to make a point. Now I know how Twilight feels when no one gets what she is saying."

"Epona's thick bosom, y'all have anger problems." Applejack shook her muzzle, turning toward Fluttershy. "And why in the hay aren't ya stopping this?"

Fluttershy's eyes closed briefly. Her wing tips flickered rapidly, folding beside her body quickly afterwards. "Because like Twilight I'm very pent up after everything that's happened today; and like Rarity I get out my anger passive-aggressively when it becomes too much. So I'm just going to not get involved in this, because I don't want to get mad either."

"Well I am getting involved." Rainbow pushed herself between Twilight and Rarity. "Can you two stop fighting over me? I'm a person you know. I have rights and can stand up for myself."

"As I said earlier," Rarity hissed between her teeth, "mistress has this taken care of, Rainbow Dash."

The mind of Applejack was not meant to compute Rainbow's sex life. And yet despite her better judgement, she dove deeper into that ever growing abyss. "I didn't know you were into that, Dash," she said.

"I'm not," Rainbow said, her ears folding tiredly. "But I think I'm like... her property now. Which... explains everything that's happening right now."

"And I will buy you from her, Rainbow Dash, and set you free. To me." Twilight's magic flared to life, pulling Rainbow beside her. "You could use a better mistress, and I'll make sure to pet you every night before we sleep together." She stroked through Rainbow's mane, giving her cheek a kiss. "Just like this."

"Hah!" Rarity cackled, her magic pulling Rainbow beside her once again. "You're just a want to be dominatrix, Twilight 'darling'. You have nothing on me, and with your weight problems you'd barely last half an hour."

"I find Twilight kinda cute," Rainbow mumbled, "But-"

Twilight giggled contently, her magic claiming Rainbow once more. "You see, Rarity? You were right when you first came to my house yesterday: I am an attractive pony, and Rainbow has usually had decent tastes in mares."

"Hey!" Rainbow growled. "What the-"

The cold stare that Rarity shot Rainbow made Applejack and Fluttershy wince in fear. It even made Pinkie wince as she walked out of the bathroom. Or it could have been the twitch of her intestines. Or both.

"You want to have sex with her!?" Rarity screamed, her right forehoof digging into Rainbow's chest.

"I didn't say that!" Rainbow yelled, "but I'll do both of you if it will make both of you shut up and stop fighting over me!"

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and even Fluttershy facehooved in unison.

"This is going to be bad," Pinkie said.

"Very bad," Fluttershy said.

"Celestia damn it, Rainbow," Applejack sighed. "Ya say the stupidest things at just the right moment."

"How could you do this to me, Rainbow Dash!?" Rarity cried in agony, her eyes watering as she looked at Dash. "After all we have been through in the last day? After I gave myself to you?" She sniffled dramatically. "How-"

"Look, I'm trying to stop you two from tearing each other apart," Rainbow said.

"You're tearing me apart, Rainbow!" Rarity wailed, her hooves clasped toward her chest.

Dash looked between Rarity's tear filled eyes, Twilight's wild smirk of satisfaction, and the sudden laughter that burst from Pinkie's muzzle. She ignored Pinkie. It was for the best. "Will you calm down, Rarity? You're overreacting again. I just don't like the thought of dying from either of you. I've always had a crush on Twilight, and you are... well... pretty kinda awesomely... interesting, Rarity."

"General Lee's beard, mare, will you shut your trap?" Applejack shouted. "Yer're digging the biggest hole I've ever seen."

Fluttershy shook her muzzle from side to side. "Dash. I... I don't... I'm going to be quiet. You just have to learn for yourself. Just let her learn from this, Applejack."

Twilight wrapped a forehoof around Rainbow, giving her a tight hug. The victorious grin across her muzzle grew at Rarity's whimpering. "Seems like Rainbow has made up her mind, Rarity. It-"

Rainbow had given up on her restraint, and had decided at that moment to punch Twilight across the cheek, sending her careening onto the floor. "Shut the buck up, Twilight, I'm trying to calm my gir-mar-buc-frien-Rarity. And you aren't helping for once. Stop being me!"

"It's like a soap opera in here." Pinkie looked at Fluttershy and Applejack, blinking rapidly. "And... the best one ever. We should do something, but this is amazing! Yay for no morals! Yay for my bulimia high!"

Applejack scratched at her chest, staring at the floor. She let her moral code slide once more. "I... I have to admit, that this is pretty entertaining. And Twilight does deserve to be hit once. I do like me some revenge from time to time."

Twilight looked up at Rainbow, rubbing her cheek with a hoof. "Oww. You are strong. I guess the martial arts do pay off don't they?"

"No crap," Rainbow said, "and just because I love you, Twilight, it doesn't mean you get to take me over and use me as your sex slave."

Rarity stabbed a hoof onto Twilight's forehead, growling in unison with Rainbow. "As if you could control my pet Pegasus! Hah. She comes back to her owner so naturally."

"I'm not your pet-"

"So you shall get your greedy, pudgy, virgin hooves off of her, you lavender lynx of a leech!" Rarity spat a wad of saliva on Twilight's horn. "Take whatever hormonal issues that you have from everything we've done to you and go molest your brother, or something of the sort. And stay away from my Dashie."

Applejack looked at Fluttershy, raising an eyebrow. "Has she always been able to insult ponies and make it sound pretty?"

"Pretty much," Fluttershy said. "This is just worse than usual."

Twilight pulled herself up onto her hooves, a faint, dark chuckle escaping from her muzzle. "It's because she thinks she's smarter than me and has to use extremely advanced vocabulary because she can't do theoretical physics in her head to make up for it."

"Then how about I tone myself down a bit for you and get off of my high horse, and speak plainly for a change on my views on you having sex with Dash." Rarity nodded toward Rainbow. "As Rainbow Dash has so happily recommended to me earlier this afternoon."

She pressed her muzzle into Twilight's, her blue eyes glowing like sunlight reflecting off of ice. She inhaled sharply through her nose.

"Go bucking stick your brother's knob up your dry and tight virgin twat and jump up Celestia's perfumed shite arsehole and die, Twilight, before you consider banging Rainbow as long as I still breathe one bit of air in my lungs."

Twilight chortled. "At least he'd be a better lay than you. And he's nobility. So I'm sure you'd enjoy the 'pearl necklace' he'd give you, or the nobility anchor baby that you've always wanted, Rarity. He's quite big and might not fit considering how tight your 'marehood' is with how much of your ego you fill it with. You could always give him to Sweetie Belle. Her first 'facial'."

"You can't even swear when you want to, and I or she would enjoy that, and he can have me or her anytime he pleases," Rarity screamed. "He is quite the intellectual, and has the tightest rear on a stallion that I have ever seen. Sweetie Belle could learn from the experience."

"Oh... oh buck you!" Twilight ground her teeth together. "And you could try to please Shining Armor, but you'd fail compared to me. Because no one would know how to please him like me!"

She laughed carelessly, turning her muzzle away from Rarity. "You couldn't make him orgasm if you tried. As his sister I've seen his porn collection, and know exactly how to push him."

"Oh you insolent little bitch. I could make him squirt so hard I'd die trying to take it all, and the smell would never get off of me." Rarity tittered madly, waving her forehoof. "By the time I was done with him, he'd be comatose."

"You wish." Twilight tapped her horn gently, wincing at the stimulation. "Cadance is a nymphomaniac worse than Rainbow, and has to use her magic just to sedate him. You'd need both of us to take him down."

"Fine!" Rarity stomped a forehoof onto the ground. "The one who milks the most orgasms from him wins. I'd like to see your purple face and nose coughing at all the sperm dangling from it like the Canterlot courtesan dropout you are."

"Deal," Twilight said.

Rarity nodded. "Deal."

There were moments in a pony's life in which they sat down with themselves to contemplate how far they had grown as a person. How adulthood had changed them for the better, how their occupation had helped them see how they could contribute to society, and how much farther they could grow as a person physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

For the Elements of Harmony, the saviors of Equestria, that moment was not the present.

They looked silently at each other for what seemed like eternity. They all pondered if they should be the first to speak. If they had the solution or summary of the madness around them that could explain everything away. A quip. A quote. A speech to give to remind them all of the friendship that had united them and the excellence of their characters to inspire them.

They came up blank. The only expression on their muzzles was guilt. Adorable, furry guilt.

Pinkie Pie clicked her tongue between her teeth, the resonating trundle of sound breaking the silence in the air. "Wow. I've got nothing."

Rarity looked at Twilight, tears budding in the corners of her eyes. "Twi-"

"You know what?" Twilight lifted up her forehoof. "I think we all need to have a meeting, and realize we may need collective therapy. I think nearly three years of saving the world has traumatized us, and we just haven't realized until today how badly it has. It's not your fault, Rarity. At all. You don't need to apologize. It's all psychology, and none of us are to blame. We all have PTSD, and have been getting it out in ways that are counterproductive."

"That would explain why I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes," Fluttershy said, scoffing at the floor. "Well... I've always done that, but more then before."

Rainbow looked around at her friends meekly, a faint whine escaping from the end of her muzzle. "I... I clop too much for my own good. I mean... I was always kinda horny as a kid, but with my job I can like... clop off for six hours a day if I want to if I have little work the day after. I can just sleep it all off. And... I do that like twice a week, and it's still not enough."

"It's okay, sweetie." Rarity stroked down Rainbow's back, nuzzling gently into her neck. "Although I am not nearly as bad as you, I must admit that I might have missed a few deadlines in my life due to... 'fatigue'. And maybe a few too many spirits. Or vodka. Or wine."

"And I'm..." Pinkie scratched her half flat mane, metaphysically digging into her brain for input. "I'm just me. I think that's enough to say how I've been scrabbled! Oh... now I want to play Scrabble."

Applejack stood up, wrapping a forehoof around Rarity's side. "Don't worry about that, sugercube. I might dip into the liquor a bit too much for my own good, just like the rest of the Fruit family. What ponies say about us is as true as tobacco."

"That... saying doesn't make any sense," Fluttershy said.

"I'm a secret alcoholic alright?" Applejack yelled, tears budding in her eyes. "Can't... can't a mare get any support for that?"

Pinkie mumbled quietly. "And you made fun of me for being a sad drunk pony."

"Pinkie!" Rarity gasped. "How could you say such a thing about Applejack? Even more so coming from you."

Twilight glanced at Pinkie, a smirk appearing across the corner of her lip. "Applejack deserves it. She was snidely making fun of Pinkie Pie when she was half drunk, crying into Applejack's shoulder."

"Applejack!" Rarity gasped. "How could you do that to Pinkie Pie?"

"How... how in the hay did Twilight remember that?" Applejack said, wiping away her tears.

Twilight shrugged. "Don't ask me. My brain takes in a lot of information it doesn't remember until later. Why do you all think I have panic attacks from time to time?"

Pinkie wrapped her forehooves around Twilight's neck, burying her snout into her coat. "Oh, my gosh, Twilight, we are so totally alike. Can we be friends?"

"We are already friends, Pinkie. For some... reason."

"Oh yeah-hey wait a minute..."

"Twilight!" Rarity gasped. "How could you be so mean to Pinkie Pie?"

Fluttershy had done something she had waited years to do. It was something that was building up inside of her soul for as long as she had become friends with the other Elements of Harmony.

She dragged her forehoof across her temple, despite the deathly glare that Twilight shot her. "Rainbow, I need to talk to you about how motherly and protective Rarity can get. She can be more territorial than... you."

Rainbow shrugged her shoulders and wings. "Meh. I'm not that worried, Flutters'. How can she own me well if she can't even control her cat? If anything, Opal owns her, and she's just trying to follow her mistress."

Applejack and Pinkie winced collectively at the dagger jabbed at Rarity. Fluttershy found herself keenly interested in hiding herself in Rainbow's and Rarity's bed.

"Burn," Pinkie whistled. "That, was a burn."

"Oh my gosh, that was incredible, Rainbow." Twilight buried her muzzle into Rainbow's bed. She gave up on her restraint, bursting out into a cackling squeal of laughter as she pounded her forehooves into the mattress, tears dripping down her muzzle.

Rainbow bowed. "Thank you, thank you, I'll-"

"We were talking about our stress management problems," Rarity growled, "which you are all giving me, and shagging Twilight's brother."

"Anypony who talks about doing my brother other than myself again is going to die a very quick and bloody death, and I don't care if it screws Equestria forever!"

The Elements of Harmony were used to being attacked and by explosions at this point in their lives, although being sent flying into the corners of a room by Twilight's half glowing form sending a shock wave of magic through the air was a new addition to that list.

She hovered inches off of the bed, her magic faintly crackling wisps of lightning around its edges as her pearl eyes glowed like a star about to go supernova. "Shining Armor is mine. None of you are having sex with him. He is my fantasy, and anypony who even thinks about telling anything that I have incestual thoughts about my brother..."

Her frame effortlessly hovered in the strawberry dew of her magic as she floated toward Rainbow Dash. Her forehoof slowly lifted up Dash's chin, her eyes returning to their natural color amplified to glow a radiating amethyst. "Isn't, going, to live. Although I might just be tempted to make them my slave for all-"

"What... what if we do him together? That would be a dream come true."

Rainbow Dash was known for her courage. Her best friends knew of her as being the mare who was the first to the fight and the last to leave. She was reckless, and yet heroic, brave, daring, and more than willing to die for her friends should an evil take one of their lives.

She was tap dancing with that evil at that very moment.

"I mean... look at you two." She clopped her forehooves together meekly. "Really smart, great bodies, leaders, kind, awesome. I-I-I could go on. But I would... like... totally do both of you at the same time, i-i-if you'd let me. Hay, I'd even have a foal by him, if like for some reason Cadance couldn't have kids, and you wanted to kill Cadance and overthrow the throne or something. Honest! Or I'll even have a kid from both of you. If that's... like... possible. And you know how bad of a mom I'd be."

There were many responses that could have been given to Rainbow by all of her friends, and she would have expected and been ready for any of them. She was prepared for Rarity to kill her, for Twilight to impale her with her horn, or any assortment of deadly, torturous, and lethal actions.

Twilight landed on the ground, her eyes softening as her ears folded. "You'd... you'd really have my brother's foal, and be our slave?"

Rainbow nodded. "T-t-totally. Hottest colt and mare in Equestria I know."

Applejack had given up on life. Her head slammed loudly into the dresser in an attempt to end her eternal pain at the everlasting stupidity around her. She had become enlightened to the agony that Twilight had to deal with on a daily basis, and seeing her degrade in maturity had been too much for Applejack to handle.

"While... I'd... erm... might not be very interested on the slavery part, nor do I see you in that manner, Twilight, I would be lying to several parts of myself if Shining Armor has not entered my fantasies of both a more explicit and maternal manner."

Twilight and Rainbow turned their heads toward Rarity, watching her whimper as she crawled toward Fluttershy. "I-I-I... w-w-well... it isn't common in this day and age to find a noble, young, handsome stallion with a sense of humor, honor, and a voice capable of making a mare wet, now is there? I must admit, that a foal by him and I would be beautiful, well educated, and surely be an example of the nobility of old. I've been debating about if I want a foal of my own after Sweetie Belle and my job, but with him? I'd absolutely consider it."

"I... I don't know what to say to that, Rarity." Twilight sat on her rump. "A part of me wants to brutally murder you two for saying that, but the thought that you would do that for me and Shining Armor is... admirable. More so since I was just arguing with you two about who is having sex with who, and I really don't think you are saying that to appease me. At least... not fully. I-"

"Just don't kill me!" Rarity leapt in front of Twilight, burying her muzzle into Twilight's tail. "I want to live for... for living! I admit defeat. I have been a horrible, slutty, nasty whorse to you today, and I deserve to be spanked nor look at your eyes until you tell me to. Please, Mistress Twilight, anything to keep my life. Take my pet Pegasus. She's yours!"

Rainbow looked at the current situation, and how it had inadvertently worked for her, as so many things in life did when she improvised. Her eyes glanced at the silent nodding that Fluttershy gave her. She knew what she had to say.

"Y-y-yeah. I'm your pet Pegasus, Twilight." She nodded vigorously at her. "My... uhh... fluffiness is... yours."

Rarity sobbed into Twilight's tail, stroking through the hairs as if it was the finest velvet. "I'll be flogged, gagged, hung from a bedpost, and used until I can be used no more, but please spare my life. Please spare Rainbow's life. I need to nuzzle into her once more before I die."

"And Sweetie Belle," Fluttershy said, her wing gently stroking Applejack's unconscious forehead. "Don't forget about her."

"And Sweetie Belle," Rarity weeped, sobbing into Twilight's leg. "How can she learn about sex without me? Do you want her to be self taught? Oh no! Who am I to question my mistress?"

Rarity screamed in despair, her forehooves digging into Twilight's thighs. "I am the worst slave! Please smack me until I am your little bitch for you to abuse, Mistress! I-"

"What the buck is wrong with all of you!?"

There was only so much insanity that Pinkie Pie could take, and the thought that there was in fact a limit was one she never thought she could reach.

Perhaps it was the love she had for her friends, or perhaps she was never a big fan of arguments to begin with. It didn't matter. She stood up, grabbing Rarity and Twilight by the fur on their necks, lifting them up off of the ground as she stood on her hind legs.

"Woah." Rainbow stared as Rarity and Twilight were held off of the ground like pictures to be nailed on a wall. "And that's what ponies forget about Earth ponies. Epic strength."

Pinkie's eyes bored into the submissive and fear filled orbs that Twilight's and Rarity's eyes returned to her. "Seriously. I have a voice inside of my head wanting to carve up ponies into meat pies, or to cut myself, or sob until I pass out, but this? This? I... I... What the buck is wrong with us? We were innocent once. Innocent, I tell you! And now I'm choking you two and swearing. Me. Me! Do you have any idea how good this feels? How much I'm crying on the inside? How high I am from all of that vomiting?"

Fluttershy perked up her ears. "We... were innocent once? Maybe two years ago, but not after the Gala."

Pinkie stroked her chin with her tail. "Hmm... okay, maybe not-but seriously what the hay is wrong with us? Get it together, Rarity. Nopony is being anypony's pet out of... of... fear! Yeah! Because I said so, and nopony argues with the... the... baker pony."

She sighed deeply, her eyes turning toward Rainbow. "I'm sorry, Dashie. Now you see why this happened all the time in bed. I just can't top like you can."

"Uhh..." Rainbow's left wing scratched at her stomach. "Whatever you say, Pinkie. It's no biggy. I'm sure you and Applejack had an epic time together."

"I-"

Whatever words Rarity was about to say were forgotten as she was dropped to the ground, Pinkie's forehoof slapping her across the face. Rarity twirled through the air from the strength of Pinkie's slap, landing on the mattress with a loud thud.

"No more talking from you," Pinkie growled. "We're having a meeting. Pronto."

Twilight's anger evaporated as she looked down into the sparkling blue fortress of Pinkie's eyes. "Pinkie-"

"No!" Twilight barely landed on her rump as Pinkie slapped her across the cheek, sending her into Rarity's sniffling form like a purple colored missle. "Shut up, Twilight. Does Pinkie have to smack a filly?"

"You... already slapped her, Pinks," Rainbow said. She lifted up her forehooves defensively. "Thank Arion they landed on something soft, but it's n-not that I'm saying you can't slap her again. I won't stop you."

Rainbow looked down at her tail, her ears folding in shame. A very rare feeling for Rainbow Dash. "Now I feel like Applejack, with trying to save my flank from dying."

Pinkie shook her muzzle, sitting on her rump. "No, I'm done," she sighed. "That last one hurt, and I think I've done enough of hitting ponies. Now I feel guilty."

"Don't cry! For the love of everything amazing in history don't start crying."

Rainbow grabbed onto Pinkie, wrapping her wings around her tightly. "Please-"

"-let go before I get sick again," Pinkie coughed, dry heaving unpleasant smelling air from her lungs. "Dash... no hugs. Just... I'll be okay."

As for the other Elements of Harmony, the situation was variable. Life, freedom, and the incoherent pursuit of happiness was still with them, although for how long they didn't stop to think about.

Rainbow let go of Pinkie, letting her collapse onto her back to calm her blood pressure and stomach as she surveyed the current anarchy of the room.

Rarity and Twilight laid splayed over each other haphazardly to the point it was hard to tell who was who, mumbling quietly to themselves. Fluttershy was tending to Applejack, who had knocked herself out from the trauma of purposely impaling her head into the side of the dresser. She knew of the feeling and lightheadedness that hitting wood brought, although by the cracks in the wood, Applejack had taken it several steps further than a pony should.

"Is... Applejack going to be alright?" Rainbow said, sitting beside Fluttershy. She brushed her tail over Applejack's chest. "She's not like... dead, is she?"

"Of course not," Fluttershy giggled. "Maybe a very minor concussion, but she's a strong pony."

"An' high as a kite right now." Applejack snorted quietly to herself, staring up at Rainbow. She stroked her hoof softly across Rainbow's cheek, her tongue slowly licking over her lips. "Ya... ya got yerself a purty mouth, Rainbow."

Rainbow stroked her forehead from the throbbing of nearly every part of her body complaining of the stress she had put it under. "So... I've noticed four things about you when things get tense, Flutters'."

Fluttershy rested Applejack's muzzle on her stomach, her wing brushing through her mane. "Oh? I'd like to hear them."

"You either go berserk, cry in a corner, get confident and do the right thing, or completely ignore everything like nothing is going on." Rainbow shrugged. "To be honest, I think you deal with things better than all of us."

Fluttershy smiled gently. "It's for the best. When Pinkie gets angry, she tends to relax quickly afterwards. When I get angry, I stay angry for a very, very long time. Which is why we are having a meeting, before I start dislocating shoulders."

She looked over at Twilight and Rarity, coughing politely. "As long as you two just admit you both want to have sex with Shining Armor and leave it at that. I'd... umm... have sex with him. He has nice... umm... testicles. I like nice... testicles."

"Shining Armor orgy," Pinkie grumbled. "Woo..."

Twilight lifted up her forearm to signal she was still among the living, her muzzle buried underneath Rarity's thigh. "Don't annoy Pinkie Pie, we'll all have sex with Shining as a team, and I might be a masochist. Got it."

"Sounds smashing," Rarity cooed drunkenly, her tongue hanging out of her muzzle. "We're all smashing Shining Armor if given the chance. Got it. Now if you excuse Twilight and I... nap time."

"Mmm... nap time," Twilight nickered, nuzzling into every body part of Rarity she could. "I like that idea."

Rainbow dragged her forehoof across her muzzle, aware of the everlasting stupidity around her for one of the first times in her life. She ignored that she was a large contributing factor to that stupidity, considering the thought that she had many negative traits simply wasn't one that her mind registered a vast majority of the time. She was too incredibly amazing for that.

Applejack giggled at a pitch that made a part of Rainbow's soul die. "And I'd let him do me anally until my tailhole looked like a train tunnel."

There were many things Rainbow could have said or done at that statement. She herself had said many things in her lifetime that had scarred or concerned her friends with her social limits, ethical choices, and the images she planted inside of their heads. Applejack's description was just too much for her.

"For fucks sake, I will never get that image out of my head."

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!